We all have our dirty little secrets, that much is true. How much you allow them to consume you is another business altogether. Some of these are wholesome, though. Who'd have known?
Eighty percent of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, I just follow my gut. And so far I've managed to fix everything I said I was an expert at.
"I pick up..."Giphy
I pick up the dog poop in my elderly neighbors yard without telling him. I noticed one day that he had stopped doing it so often or only did it for 5mins or so, so I started doing it when he was at bingo or whatever he goes to on Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday. Idk if he knows I do it but he only sometimes goes out there now and picks up a few pieces and goes inside. Him being a bit old and living in high heat weather probably makes it hard for him to do it for more than 5mins.
My family doesn't know that I paid for my Xbox One by selling smut online for lucrative gains; I told them I had some money from my birthday left over.
"I think I've been stuck..."
I think I've been stuck in a deep depression for over a year or more. I act like I'm okay because my friends and parents lean on me emotionally but I haven't felt too much joy for a long time. I'm also drinking a lot more than I used to.
"There's been several times..."Giphy
There's been several times in my life where I ran out of toilet paper and used the cardboard tube to wipe, you just gotta make do sometimes.
"I can't be..."
I can't be sexually aroused when someone else is involved. On my own, hell yeah. The moment another person is involved I just can't perform. It's eating me up on the inside. Needless to say I'm the only person in my friends group who has never had sex. I'm beginning to feel more and more awkward and ugly and unwanted as the years are going by. I think I might have to take professional help for this but just the thought of talking about this to someone makes me want to die.
"On the surface..."
On the surface, my life seems pretty great and most of my friends and family think I've got a good thing going. Secretly, I'm constantly depressed and pretty much hate everything about my life. I regret not taking risks or really doing anything that wasn't on the straight and narrow when I was younger. The worst is that I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed just trying to keep up, I've just given up on it ever getting better.
"I once pooped..."
I once pooped my pants at an all you can eat buffet, and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp.
"My commute home..."
My commute home after work is 40 minutes long and I'm driving on deserted highways at 4 am. I spend nearly every single commute home crying in my car because I don't feel like there's any other safe place for me to release my feelings without being judged.
"There's a little cheesecake shop..."
There's a little cheesecake shop down by my apartment that my boyfriend 'found' a couple months ago. Anytime we go he's always so proud he found it all on his own and is under the impression that we only go together. Little does he know I've been eating turtle cheesecake at least every couple weeks for about a year. I'll never tell him though, he'd be so crushed lol.
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
WHERE TO BEGIN?!
The list is endless.
Half the time all it takes to be better is a little effort.
"What makes someone bad in bed?"
I love sex. But it can be stressful. I've always found connection to be one of the best lessons.
CommunicationsGIF by HULUGiphy
Take it Slow
"No foreplay and not caring if your partner is enjoying it."
"Proposing mid intercourse."
Talk to Me
"Friction isn’t always a good thing."
YuckBored Larry Bird GIF by SB NationGiphy
"To this you can add unclipped fingernails."
"And dirty fingernails. Nah, ma'am. I’m betting this is not worth the infection. Thanks."
‘good at sex’
FlavorsAmanda Seales Wow GIF by truTVGiphy
Sex. Let's be better at it.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Love is so elusive these days isn't it?
Who knows what anyone is looking for in the relationship department anymore.
It's all too exhausting.
But people we keep trying.
"Why are you single right now?"
I'm single because I've given up. And I'm good. For now.
PeaceSnoop Dogg Reaction GIFGiphy
"I put absolutely no effort into meeting someone."
"Hard to meet people when you are a hermit."
"I have too many unsolved issues, i can't in good conscience bring someone else into them."
truthCaptain America Lol GIF by mtvGiphy
"Supply chain issue."
"Best answer here."
That's funny. But it feels oddly true.
Ahhh...Think Winnie The Pooh GIFGiphy
"I'm attracted to many, and unattractive to all."
Bad LoopSeth Meyers Whatever GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"Because my relationships end before they even begin."
"This is my story right here."
Alright. Now that we've laid out all the excuses, let's get to matching with some people.
There is no bigger mystery than what happens to us after we die.
"If heaven exists, what’s the first thing you’d do?"
Overcome with joy
"In all reality?"
"If Heaven exists, like 50% of the awesomeness is just the very fact that it exists."heaven gate GIF by South Park Giphy
A re-match long in the making
"Ask my childhood friend Kevon for a race."
"He used to beat me handily when were younger (9-13) and he’d always brag."
"When I got older and faster I moved away so I was never able to race him again."
"I wanna race him both in our prime."- Abethegreat1
Reunite with loved ones
"Find my husband, give him a huge hug and never let go again."
"Live our forever together."
"I f*cking love him and miss him so much."- jessdfrench
"Embrace my sweet wife and tell her how proud I am of the kids."- RifleShower
"Try to find my brother."
"Man, I miss him."
"He died in 2020 at age 34."- grummlinds1
"Give my mum and dad a big hug."- goonerjack007Miss U GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy
Achieve the "firsts" we never got to do
"Find my son and have a beer with him."
"Something we never got to do in real life."- tanukis_parachute
Hone new skills
"Try to play Smoke on the water on my harp."- Ashtar-the-Squid
The joy of doing nothing
"Rest."- BanzaikoowaidCare Free Black Girls GIF by AuroraDrawsGiphy
Live on without pain
"Enjoy my healthy back without pain."- Knackbein_
Who knows what's in store for us after our lives come to an end.
But the first word in that term can be misleading.
Indeed, some "fun facts" reveal information that isn't remotely "fun" in the slightes.
What's a 'fun fact' that isn’t fun at all?"
Ironically, something you likely don't think about...
"Your brain blocks you from feeling your organs moving around inside you."- Aydengeist06
Try watching Finding Nemonow...
"Only one in a thousand sea turtles born actually make it to adulthood."- Sebs_123
Shocking new light on an age old classic
"In the books, Stuart Little was never explicitly called a mouse."
"He's pretty much described as a deformed mouse-esque person born form human parents."- Red_Beard47stuart little mouse GIF by VIASAT3Giphy
Nature running it's course...
"There's a bird that feeds its younger offspring to the eldest."- Teacup_Cult
I have no allergies... yet
"Not very fun."- smallemochick
Those poor, innocent creatures.
They'd still be here if they weren't so delicious...
"Giant tortoise meat was supposedly better tasting than chicken."
"It's fat tasted better spread on bread than butter."
"Not to mention, because they evolved without humans, they were easy to hunt."
"You could tie one to your back, and roll another to the ship and they would just let you."
"Conversely, the dodo, while as easily captured by sailors, tasted awful."
"It was completely unpalatable."
Don't forget the nose plugs
"Antarctica smells like penguin poop."
"Antarctica is a desert, it is too cold for bacteria to live."
"Nothing there to clean up penguin droppings."
"If you are close enough to see penguins, you will also smell them."- gummby8
Makes those long lines so worth it...
"The TSA missed 96% of contraband during an inspection in 2015."- omegasix321All Falls Down Tsa GIF by Kanye WestGiphy
Oh yeah, probably not....