Nothing's better than a good comeback. Outside of maybe sneezing, thinking of the perfect zinger in the right moment to snap back in someone's face is the tops. Sometimes, it's such a sweet moment, you'll remember it for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/aaredmi, wanted to know the best moment when you had it locked and loaded when they asked:
What was your wittiest comeback that you're still proud of?
Don't Come In Our Pizza Place Looking To Start Something
Working at a pizza shop, troublesome customer tries to stack coupons that clearly state "One coupon per purchase". After being refused by everyone in the restaurant including the owner, he goes on a tirade saying that the District Attorney is his cousin, and was threatening a lawsuit (lol).
As he was heading for the door, he said "You can't afford to mess with me!" I shouted after him, "You can't afford a large pizza!"
Age Doesn't Mean A Thing
My mom was asking about my daughter and her boyfriend, "Are they going to get married? I'm just not ready to be a Great Grandmother."
"Well, you could try being a good one, first."
Bark Worse Than A Bite
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Graduated college 2 years ago and am currently working a rather boring desk job to save up money for grad school. My boss has a great doggo that I will periodically walk because I feel bad that it just sits next to me all day without going out much.
Anyways, I had some college friends come visit me (some of which I'm not huge fans of) and one girl said "Hey, how's your job picking up dog sh-t?". I think she must have seen my snapchats or something. I was a little caught off guard by this comment though. We were never super close in college or anything. Luckily, I knew that she still doesn't have a job and is working on her "music career"....
I responded with, "Good. Speaking of dog sh-t, how's your music career going?"
Still feel good about that one. Her music sucks.
Too Good To Be In Contempt
Getting my licence to sell alcohol in a new area. Magistrate had been refusing people all morning and the police officer supporting my application knew this guy refused everybody so we'd apply another day but I still had to go up and be questioned. Part of getting a licence is that there are people you are not allowed to serve. One of these is known prostitutes. He asks me to list all the people to not serve.
Me concluding my list: - and, ahem, known ladies of the evening.
Judge: You mean ladies of the night?
Me: I obviously go out a lot earlier than you, Your Honour.
Comes From A Place Of Love
My husband (he's a big fella) said 'don't touch what you can't afford' to me once when I slapped his butt I instantly replied 'not if I'm paying by the pound'
I didn't mean to be nasty it just plopped out before I could stop it.
Kids: 1, Adults: 0
I had just turned 7 (the day before) and I was in the car with my mom and brother after school. My brother and mom were arguing over something and my mom said, "I wasn't born yesterday!" to my brother. I replied saying, "I was!"
It was a good day
Size Always Plays A Part
I used to work as a carpenter's assistant. For some reason, I bought myself a 22 ounce framing hammer, which is, to be honest, more hammer than you'll ever need.
One guy I worked with was teasing me about it: "A real carpenter doesn't need more than a 16 ouncer!"
I replied, "You've been listening to your wife too much."
"Huh?"
"She's been telling you size doesn't matter, right?"
No Matter What Class, It's Going Down
Quick Backstory: So. There is a bully on school and her mother was the typical "I don't pay attention to my son unless he does something 'bad' and I go blame everything else because he is perfect". Also, I've always been skinny and taller than many (rn 6'3" or 1.93m for normal ppl). I can't remember why he said this to me but he said:
Him: At least im not as thin as paper
Me: so what?
Him: It means you don't get food in your house.
Me: Funny. Better than not getting love and attention in your house.
btw we were on class and the professor just looked at me with the face of "that's mah boi" (he and I were big friends)
Height Is Everything
I was arguing with my cousin, who was like 5 months older than me when we were like 8. He goes "respect your elders!" to which I responded "Respect your tallers!" since I was like 3 inches taller than him at the time.
Cue my entire extended (Greek, so lots of people) family dying of laughter.
Two For Eternity
I have two:
The first one was several years ago, when I was still living with my parents. A hurricane had recently hit our area (fortunately our house was fine), which is important context. I've never been a neat person, so my mom came into my room to discover it was a total mess. When she asked me "What happened in here?!" I immediately replied with "A hurricane came through."
The other was more recent. My girlfriend and I were playfully making fun of each other, and she said something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Well, your butt is dumb," and I said "No, I'm a smart-ass."
Banana Size Matters
I work in a fast food restaurant, and we serve shakes and ice creams, and on one particularly busy day about a year ago, I was on the machine trying my best to get the shakes and ice creams out to customers, even though the machine was not working properly.
One particular shift manager (who I always had good banter with), was being a bit of an dick constantly telling me to go faster, and shouting stuff like "where is this?" And "do I have this?" (Basically being tedious) And at one point he said "do I have a large banana?" And I whipped around, peeved as hell, and said "No! But you do have a small one!" He just looked at me, sputtering and after a moment said "well, you didn't have to make it personal." We both then burst out laughing. Still feel proud to this day.
Shocked Gasps Of Excitement
Kid behind me in class was the typical "lol I'm so funny love me" dude who wanted everyone to laugh at him. One day, he called my name said said, "do you want to see a trick?"
I asked, "is it gonna make you disappear?"
"...no?"
"Then I don't care."
To this day, the not-at-all-hushed gasps and "DID YOU HEAR THAT" from other students always makes me proud
You Can't Make Fun Of Us! Only We Can!
my dads french, meaning that in sports my family supports france. one day i was talking about the french team on the bus coming home from school and a boy says "france is a shite team" (it was the world cup) and i say "oh,, i didn't know you played for france"
i'll never forget the look on his face
Opinions May Vary
In school, i was at my Latin class, (it was the end of the day) and my shoe was untied, my friend went up to me and said: "Your shoe is untied"
Without thinking, my first line was: "Your mom is untied"
Brutal Honesty
This happened years ago when I was Asst. Manager at an Auto Parts store. As a female manager of a male dominated industry I have had many inappropriate remarks. My favorite comeback was when a thief attempting to return a third night in a row asked me, while gyrating his pelvis in my direction, when was the last time I had something "big and black" in me. Without missing a beat and in a fit of disgusted frustration I responded...
"The last time I had something big and black in me was when I sh-tted it out, now get the f*&@ out of my store."
In my defense I had had some serious diarrhea for a few days before this.
Winning The Family Game
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Late to the game, but at Thanksgiving one year, my whole family was sitting around talking, and winning contests came up. One of my brothers looked at me and snarked, "oh yeah, what was the last thing you ever won?"
I looked around the room at all my blood relatives and answered "By the looks of it, the Genetic lottery."
Insults From A Place Of Love
My then-girlfriend & I were arguing over something petty.
"You're heartless"
"Only because you stole it"
She "aww"''d and then went back into argue-mode.
Peaked In High School
When I was in high school, a girl that I had dated for a while and broke up with called me about three months afterward. I picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and she immediately said, "I just want you to know that I'm having much better sex now."
I replied with, "... Well, tell your dad I said congratulations!" and hung up. I have never been that witty since.
What's the comeback you made that still sticks with you? Share it with us!
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.