Christmas is the best time of year as a child, possibly only topped by your 10th birthday (Yay double-digits!) and that one time in 4th grade when your personal class bully finally got busted by the teacher for picking on you for having a Power Rangers backpack. While today we might understand the significance of sharing the coldest, shortest time of the year with people we love, it's hard to ignore the amazing gifts that come along with the season.
Reddit user, u/jez_crossland, wanted to know, young or old:
What's the best Christmas present you've received?
When You Get To Play At Being A "Grown Up"
When I was a little girl (5 or 6) I was obsessed with ballerinas. My dad got me tickets to a professional performance of the Nutcracker.
It was just him and me.
I still remember feeling so grown up when we had dinner beforehand in a grown up restaurant. The ballet was beautiful. It was just a wonderful day.
Your Bro Always Knows What's Best
My brother was starting a new fitness routine, and told me he wanted to make a competition out of who could improve their body dimensions. I wasn't planning on working out or anything but wanted to encourage him so said "screw it" and let him measure my upper body. Turns out it was for a custom made Captain America leather motorcycle jacket. I screamed like a little girl on Christmas morning
A Song Of Time To Last Forever
I was in high school. Ocarina of Time had come out in November, and I wanted it so badly for Christmas.
I got up Christmas morning, opened my gifts and it wasn't there. Then my dad pointed out a small package he had hidden behind the tree under the tree skirt, in the back. Opened it, and there it was. Ocarina of Time. My dad had to go to 6-7 different stores when he was traveling on business to find that. Played it non-stop over break.
Makes me love my dad more every time I think about it.
They Never Actually Go Away
This is going to seem really stupid, but growing up I had a dog that was my best friend. She was small enough to take in a bag places and most of my friends loved having her over.
When I was 15, she passed away from kidney failure. She had been my constant companion through my depression for four years at that point. She had been a gift from my aunt, who committed suicide shortly after.
For Christmas, a good friend of mine got a bench at the dog park dedicated to her. So now when I visit my hometown I can go and sit on the bench dedicated to Sweetie. It had to have cost about $400 to get it done and she used her Christmas money to do it.
It All Starts Somewhere
Conversation with my uncle, Christmas day 2001:
Uncle: So have you seen Lord of the Rings yet?
12 year old me: No, what's Lord of the Rings?
Uncle: Oh dude, you absolutely have to see it. I'm taking you to the theater to see it tomorrow, done deal.
And that's where my Tolkien obsession began.
Overcoming For Everyone
When I was a teenager, my mom and I lived in SoCal while the rest of our family lived in Oregon. My mom had me flown up to spend Christmas Eve with her sister and Christmas Day with my dad. My mom wanted to come badly but she has a huge fear of flying.
I get to my aunts house on Christmas Eve and we're doing our typical chit chat, hang out, snack and drink coffee while dinner is getting prepared. After checking on dinner, I come back from the kitchen to see my mom sitting on my aunt's couch. I was stunned. Stopped dead in my tracks. Jaw on the floor. I was so happy. Christmas is her favorite holiday and we'd never spent one apart. She faced her fear of flying to spend Christmas Eve with us.
I'll never forget that Christmas. She passed away a couple years later on December 22nd. It's a wonderful memory to have of the holidays when this time of year can be kind of depressing.
Doesn't Have To Be "Good" To Be "Great"
I don't even know if it's the "best" present but just one of those I'll never forget.
My dad and I have an extremely distant relationship. He was never an affectionate or emotional person. All birthdays, celebrations, events, etc went to my mom to organize. It was just simply not a task he was involved in. He didn't give gifts or engage in the theatrics of any of it and I can't blame him - he is an immigrant, lived a very hard life, and culturally speaking, this is just how it was for him.
One Christmas, I was probably like 10 or 11, I noticed among all the other presents I had from my mom and other family, there was an actual present from my dad addressed to me. I opened it and it was like this child's picture book, not a baby book, but definitely aimed for about age 7-8 and way too young for me. It was just shocking to me that he would first of all, care about getting me a present at all and secondly, choose this child's book out of all the things he could gotten. I realized, at 10 years old, that my dad genuinely had no idea what to get me, but wanted to get me SOMETHING. He only knew that I loved to read and read books all day long, so he got me a book, even though he had no idea what level reading I was on.
Maybe that is not a very good story or makes him seem bad, but it will always stick with me. He is such a non-sentimental and stoic person, I can't imagine him going to a bookstore, choosing this very cutesy, colorful book with me in mind, and actually giving it to me as a gift, but he did. He wanted to give me something, in his awkward way, and tried his best.
Something No Store Could Ever Carry
My mom passed from cancer this year, she had been stage 4 for 11 years and passed at 55 years old, so pretty young.
Last year Christmas was really emotional as things were taking a turn for the worse.
My mom made me a large shadow box with ticket stubs she had saved from every concert we went to since I was a kid (both big fans of music). Mr. Dressup, Pearl Jam, White Stripes etc. Not only had she saved these over the years, she went online and got post cards, buttons and patches from the specific tour dates we attended to go with the stubs.
The moment I unwrapped it, and realised what it was, I burst into tears and cried for a good while. It was a very heavy moment and one of the best gifts I've ever been given.
No One Should Be Alone On Christmas
My family was abusive, and poor. Growing up I always kind of hated Christmas time, because it just sort of highlighted how sh-tty my own life was.
Well one year after I moved away to college, I was scheduled to work Christmas day, since I was a Resident Advisor. A student who had been evicted from housing for selling hard drugs came after me and attacked me. The school told me I should leave campus until the police caught the kid. I didn't have any where to go, so I called my best friend. Her and her dad drove all the way to my school on Christmas eve to get me.
When I woke up, I discovered that my friends mom had some how conjured up a a full stocking and a couple small gifts. It was the most amazing gift, because I had never had a good Christmas, and then her mom just went so above and beyond to make me feel loved.
Fun Times On Isle Delfino
I was seven years old in ICU with pneumonia. It was horrible timing because Christmas was that week.
The nurses brought in a massive television with a Nintendo GameCube hooked up to it. The only game I played was Mario sunshine the entire time I was in the hospital.
I love that game so much! It was so colorful and just super exciting to play since I didn't even know the game existed. It is still my favorite Mario game ever made but I'm biased.
Well I made it out of the hospital just a few days before Christmas and on Christmas Day we went to my aunties house. We started opening gifts and they got me my very own GameCube but it didn't appear I had any games for it. They tricked me and hid the other gift they bought. It was Mario Sunshine.
I've never ever had tears of joy but when I opened these gifts I couldn't help but cry. I was so surprised and so happy! I've still never experienced the same emotions I had in that day.
Let your parents 'Oprah' you!Giphy
My parents have always gone above and beyond for christmas presents- even though our finances aren't always stable. I always get stuff I've mentioned that I wanted, and other thoughtful gifts. My family is dysfunctional as hell, but Christmas time always reminds me how much we love each other. Which is nice because I always struggle with depression more in the winter.
I feel guilty about being so spoiled at christmas, so I do the reddit secret santa events to buy moderately expensive gifts for randos on the internet lol. grungegrenade
The Basics for the Win!
Clothes and a gift card to a local grocery store worth $75 dollars. I was a broke college student, so this was the equivalent of having my wildest dreams come true. U_smell_like_goat
First Christmas after getting married and coming home from out of state, a family friend of my in laws gave us a Meijer gift card that we used to help stock cleaning supplies in our first apartment two months later! It was a pretty good gift! QueenSynderella
I'm not Crying... You're Crying
The Christmas before my father passed away he gave me a necklace, which was very unusual. He normally just gave me cash. The necklace was three hearts intertwined, and engraved on the back was, "My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter forever."
He knew how sick he was but he never told anyone, and he died the following August. The pattern of that necklace is my first and only tattoo (I got it done a week after he died.). I plan on giving the necklace to my own daughter someday. kikikiwi625
I was 8 years old and my family was dirt poor. My family had just filed for bankruptcy and my mother can't hold a job, so my dad was working overtime at his gas station job. My parents told me that they just couldn't manage to buy Christmas presents that year so I was pretty sad considering I was 8, but I understood why. Come Christmas morning, I don't even rush out of bed because I knew nothing would be waiting for me, but I go out in to the living room and there's a single hula hoop propped up against the tree with my name on it. I was so surprised and happy that I cried. I used that piece of plastic until it fell apart. jraay
Life saving gifts...
My mom bought me my real estate course with the little money she had left, she taped 100s into a real estate book of houses listed, I cried. 3 years later and I now pay her mortgage each month and help her buy her life saving meds. Without that gift she probably wouldn't be alive. WalkerJAdair
We Love you GrumpyGiphy
Santa brought me a Grumpy Care Bear. In 1985. I still have him. He's come with me to have my babies and get my boobs cut off. He's travelled this wide red land with me, comforted me through deaths of loved ones, traumatic events, disappointments and multiple depressive episodes I am lucky to have come out of. He still has all his hair, is still blue, is still Grumpy and still with me. He's awesome. _LuckyDucky_
Presents of the Past
I'm adopted, my birth mom didn't remember my birth father enough to include any info on heritage or anything like that. I've always been curious where the other half of me is from. My best friend has always known this so him and his girlfriend got me a 23 and Me so I can find out more about myself and where I come from! Funny-Tub
Your Chosen Family...
Idk what it is yet but my friend said she's getting me a gift. This is the first time any of my friends have gotten me a Christmas gift. Just knowing someone other than my family cares about me is the greatest feeling I've ever felt in my life. YourSaltSucks
All of our Limbs are a gift!
My prosthetic leg.
I had a below the knee amputation the Saturday before thanksgiving this year. Infection in my blood got into the bone and almost took my life. Been on medical leave from work since. Today I saw the surgeon for a post surgery visit. Was told I'm ahead of schedule healing and recovery wise.
I won't get my prosthetic for a while yet but being told I can start getting fitted for one is a pretty great early gift. GypsyPanther729
When I was a kid I wasn't allowed an iPod because I was a little brat. I was really upset because I wanted to play Minecraft, so for Christmas when my brother said he'd gotten me an iPod I was super excited. It turns out he made an iPod out of cardboard and drew a Minecraft scene on the 'screen.' It still holds up as my favorite present and I still have it nearly 10 years later :) machiavillains
Let me be real for a second.
Every time I listen to Bjork's "Unravel," my heart breaks a bit.
Have you ever listened to it?
It's on Homogenic, her third studio album, and it's incredible, passionate, smartly produced and a great showcase for her stupendous voice.
That song? An emotional rollercoaster, for sure.
There's tons of great music out there, though, and even more sad and gorgeous songs to discover.
People shared their thoughts after Redditor humanbear07 asked the online community:
"What song genuinely breaks your heart everytime you hear it?"
"Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice..."
"There's a few, but the isolated vocal track for Heart's 'Alone' is especially heartbreaking to me. Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice and her emotion really made that band."
Doesn't grow old.
There have been quite a few excellent covers of this one over the years, too.
"The first words give me chills..."
"Most songs by the late Jeff Buckley are sad on their own, and even more devastating in context. But the one that hits me the hardest is his cover of 'I Know It's Over' by the Smiths."
"The subject of the song is up for interpretation no matter what, but Jeff Buckley's premature death adds an element to it that seems to be about his life, whether he planned to or not."
"The first words give me chills the most— they happen after the classic reverby Jeff Buckley intro, the kind Hallelujah fans will be familiar with. He takes his time with this one, like he does with that."
No love for "Lilac Wine"?
It's clearly the best track.
"Ever since my husband..."
"'Merry Christmas, Darling' by the Carpenters. Ever since my husband Tom died in 2012, my heart breaks every Christmas since. We loved Christmas."
Karen Carpenter's voice hits differently when you realize how tortured her life was.
Gone too young.
"My Dad told me..."
"In My Life by The Beatles. My Dad told me when I was a teenager that he wanted it played at his funeral. I still can't listen, and when that day comes and I HAVE TO listen to it to honor his wish, I'm going to be a blubbering mess."
Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your dad.
"My grandmother died..."
"He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones. My grandmother died almost 20 years before my grandfather, and we played it at his funeral. Just typing this chokes me up a bit."
Songs have even more meaning (sometimes painfully so) when linked to specific moments in our lives, particularly the moments when we've lost people we care about.
"I'm not a Christian..."
"'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon & Garfunkel. Not a Christian, but when I hear it, I understand why people believe."
A beautiful song, and timeless, too.
"My sister's husband..."
"Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson. My sisters husband chose to have it played at her funeral. And yes he was a crappy husband and she died young in a car accident."
Sounds like art imitating life, no?
"He's an amazing songwriter..."
"Jason Isbell has so many it's honestly hard to choose one. Speed Trap Town, Decoration Day, Cover Me Up. He's an amazing songwriter."
I don't know him–it's time to look him up and see how I feel.
"I can already feel tears..."
"One More Light by Linkin Park. I can already feel tears coming to my eyes just by typing this."
Chester Bennington's death was such a shock.
His music lives on.
"My brothers passed away..."
"Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd."
"My brothers passed away in a car accident shortly after coming home from Afghanistan. Reminds me of them every time I hear it."
Sorry for your loss.
Hopefully hearing the song brings you peace.
Hearing a beautiful song can be an immensely moving experience.
And hearing a sad song can, for many people, help them cope with the pain of heartbreak better than they would have otherwise.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Unfortunately, a friendship could really end at any point in life.
Friends grow apart, but also, sometimes, it's just necessary to say goodbye to your relationship with a friend.
Maybe they aren't the right type of friend for you anymore, or maybe something has happened in their lives to make them self-destructive and toxic.
The reasons are many, and they are all sad.
Redditor monarchmondays asked:
"People who have unfriended their childhood friend/best friend, what happened?"
Here were some of those answers.
Bad Looking Out
"I was more-so the one who was unfriended. Was going to be the best man in his wedding. Saw his fiance out with another dude. Like on this dude."
"Told him, he told me I was wrong, Yada Yada. Things got heated. I told him I couldn't be his best man. Some years down the road, he caught her cheating."
"Called me up, asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I went. He apologized. I accepted, but we're still not friends."-TheMotorcycleMan
Friends Don't Control Friends
"He was a pathological liar, manipulative and told all of my most trusted secrets to everyone because he wanted to feel powerful and like he controlled me."
"Haven't spoken a word in 5 years and I have never looked back."-TheDandy9
Sometimes Life Is The Only Thing In The Way
"As soon as I left my hometown and my best friend growing up stayed, we both changed in opposite directions. He assimilated to the local lifestyle, quickly became friends with people he never got along with in school."
"I left, made new friends, found new things I liked. He started a family, I started a career."
"The final straw though was he RSVP'd to our wedding and then just didn't show. No text, no call, no anything. I think he was pissed that I didn't make him my best man after I was his best man, even though it was exactly because he wasn't reliable and made everything about himself that I couldn't do it."
"He caused sh*t at other people's weddings and I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would be inevitable. It did highlight though that growing up I was his best friend as a matter of convenience where I genuinely liked hanging out with him."-porscheblack
It's never fun or happy to lose a friend, but sometimes it's necessary for your healing process.
We've Reached The Point Of No Return
"I haven't unfriended her YET but I'm basically at the point where I'm sick of her drama, pettiness and 'main character syndrome.'"
"Anything that doesn't go her way is taken personally and if you disagree with her (or even have a preference that differs from hers) she will berate you into submission and 'agreement.'"
"And heaven forbid you have a life that doesn't consider her wants and desires. We're both 30, almost 31. I'm too old for that sh*t."-Deezus1229
When The Punches Come, I Go
"I met my ex-best mate in school, he had a little narcissistic personality, but I understood that and ignored his faults."
"In late Teens, we started drinking and partying as most do; this is when it became apparent that he had alcohol problems, forever being violent looking for fights, killing my good vibes, and getting me pulled into unwanted situations where I saved him or stopped him from beating on someone for no good reason."
"Throughout our life, he never attempted to fight me. He remained a pretty good friend to me until our first trip overseas to Asia; during our trip, he tried to coward punch me in the back of the head because I asked him to put out his cigarette that he had just lit."
"I asked him because we were seated in a restaurant surrounded by families, for some reason that angered him, I got up to leave and luckily heard him coming and avoided his punch, but he then tried to attack me further, which ended with us both on the ground and me on top of him while he shouted and went crazy."
"Eventually, police arrived and pointed a gun at both of us; luckily, they didn't shoot. Having foreign police aiming at me because my friend wouldn't calm down was one of the most scary moments in my life and that's saying something because I don't come from a easy upbringing."
"He was drunk, of course, and claims he doesn't remember, but there's no excuse to try and coward punch anyone, especially your best mate."
"I packed my bags that night and left our joint holiday plans in the dirt, traveling solo and having a blast. When I got back from my trip, I quit drinking myself and have remained sober for the last five years."
"Throughout that five years, I've had brief encounters with him, but our friendship was never the same. Unfortunately, my old friend never changed as he aged; he eventually went to jail."
"I work in hospitals and have seen him show up to the emergency triage, bashed with broken bones, and just a few months ago, he randomly knocked at my door where my wife answered, he was covered in blood."
"My wife went and woke me up; he had a stab wound and refused to go to the hospital; I drove him home and haven't seen or spoken to him since.. His brother updated me and said he was fine, whatever that means."-King-Callous
When He's A Predator
"I, a 5th grader at the time, knew this chick who was in the 7th grade dating a junior in hs. The dude thought she was 16 because she was lying about her age."
"They had been f**king and sexting and all that jazz...he didn't know she was a minor. I went and told him, and they broke up, and he was pissed... yada, yada yada..."
"They became friends again after a few years. When I was in the 8th grade, she called just so he could flirt with me 🤮. I was 13 then, and he was probably around 20. I blocked her real quick."-Cancerous0713
The End Of An Era
"Inseparable all through jr and HS. We graduated in 85 so no social media but I still feel ghosted. He stopped returning my calls, I always had to initiate and when we did get together he wasn't that interested."
"I gave it a few tries but I got the message and just stopped contacting him and he never reach out to me after that. I never new why and it took almost 10 years for me to get over it and stop thinking about it every day."
"I kind of wish he would have just told me he doesn't like me anymore. I have a current best friend I met in college and we've been friends for 30+ years so it's all good."-DreamArcher
There is never a right time to say goodbye to someone you once considered a trusted friend.
"My best friends young son was killed in a four wheeler accident. I was the first responding paramedic. I had to take him from my friends arms to work on him. Knowing he was dead the all along."
"We flex the child on Lifeflight then I drove my best friend and his wife to the hospital. I knew all along he was dead but they didn't. It wasn't his fault or mine that he died in any way but I could never look my best friend in the eye again."
"All I could see was his pain. So we drifted apart. I finally got to tell him and his wife before my friend died with heart trouble."-hotandhornyinbama
Secret Mental Health Leeches
"She started being nasty to my husband when we got engaged. It was so gross. She was snarky and rude to him every time he spoke and made him feel unwelcome in our own home."
"I kind of fell out of friend love with her after watching her behave like that. My mom thinks it was jealousy or something, idk. My husband is the most fun and caring person I've ever known, I expected her to be happy for me."
"In retrospect, I realized there were a lot of other red flag issues I had been ignorant of. It's been 3 years now and I am so much mentally healthier without the drama she was churning up."-ThunderHeavyRains
When Mom Damaged Her
"Had a friend I met pre-kindergarten but had a falling out in middle school. Families knew each other and we were like sisters. But sadly, her mom was a true definition of a Tiger mom. Her mom always pushed my friend to be in all of these extracurricular activities, music lessons, tutoring, etc. Her mom was always dissatisfied; nothing was good enough."
"She wasn't the most nurturing parent. But my parents were the opposite. Especially my mom, she just wanted me to be a good person and do my best. But naturally I was a very good student."
"So my friend's mom would always compare my friend to me saying I was better than her because I was naturally gifted and didn't NEED all of that help. My friend began to resent me."
"Throughout puberty, she would call me a slut because I was physically developing, tried to imply I was ugly just to see my reaction, threatened to punch me, things I understood where they were coming from but did not think were justified as I had not done anything directly to her."
"Final straw was when she posted on Facebook that she thought I was ugly so I just cut her off completely. I pitied her for her family life but her bitterness toward me was wrong. Because through my eyes, she was my best friend and all she wanted to do was hurt me. Don't regret cutting it off"-dookieconductor
The sad truth is that people are not always meant to be close, and that some people are too mentally unhealthy to have any kind of closeness in their lives.
Until they grow up, there is not much we can do but sadly step aside and take care of ourselves.
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Certain personalities show up at almost every party like clockwork.
There's always that person who get's too drunk, someone awkwardly standing in the corner nursing a drink, the person who's not having a good time no matter what and the person babysitting the crowd they came with.
When there's alcohol—or any other substances—and the pressure of a social situation, all sorts of quirks will come out. We wanted to know what people thought their country would act like if they were a person attending a party.
Redditor amotyvukufyd asked:
"All the countries of the world are at a party. What is your country doing?"
Here are some of the best and most hilarious answers.
The United Kingdom is just leaving.
"Not before slapping the knees and saying 'right.'"
"Northern Ireland looks nervously at her sister before putting her sunglasses on and following."
"As an American from the Midwest, we do a 'welp' knee slap. Then sit/stand for another 25 minutes before leaving."
"Then talk in the porch. Then talk in the doorway. Then talk in the driveway. Then talk out the car window."
"'Yuh, I guess.'"
"'See you around, I suppose.'"
"'Yuh you bet.'"
"Buzz of the window rolling up."
Argentina is in the backyard.
"Argentina is either playing football in the backyard with Brazil or aggressively telling whoever's at the grill how to cook a steak."
"Don't forget, they're also drinking fernet and coke, or even cheap wine and juice, out of a cut off bottle even though there were enough glasses for everyone."
"While listening to El Potro Rodrigo."
"For sure we're arguing with Texans over asado."
"Texas would also totally be there despite not being a country itself."
"Texas showing up to a party where only entire nations are invited is such a Texas thing to do."
Greece is making questionable choices.
"I'm Greek so I guess a lot of sex, wine and questionable financial decisions that will ruin us the morning after."
"At least you have your club of friends who will drive you home when you pass out. My country, Argentina, will spend the night borrowing money. When they finally kick him out, he'll have to walk home, broke and alone. And it will start to rain."
Poland fighting with Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine.
"Poland. In the corner with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, drinking vodka and fighting each other. Poland fighting Belarus and Ukraine fighting Russia."
"With some EU guys walking by with fancy drinks, dropping some concerns."
"And then Russia says 'Oh, you want some too?' And the EU guys turn and walk away."
"Then hours later writes a strongly worded comment to Russia's Facebook page. After spending 8 hours arguing over the exact wording."
Germany brings the beer.
"I'm German and I'd say Germany would complain about the taste of the beer."
"Germany should be bringing the beer. Please don't leave it to America who will bring some watery Coors Light!"
"Wouldn't they discuss politics too?"
"We so would! I was thinking about what we would do what wasn't absolutely cliché (like bringing the beer). I feel we would not only discuss politics but also rant about it. And other stuff. I feel ranting is really something we like to do. But also Germany would be drinking way too much and be completely fine the next morning..."
India is awkwardly dancing.
"India/that uncle dancing inappropriately in the middle of the dance floor."
"Not gonna lie, they got da best moves though."
"I was gonna say India would be that aunty gossiping about and judging others' outfits/looks, but this one is better."
The USA is just destroying things for fun.
"USA. Chugging beers and trying to smash a foldable table by jumping on it."
"I think the US would be like a really obnoxious frat dude that's also kinda fun. Like waaaay over the top bragging... but also did bring the weed. Then word gets around that he has a gun on him and it makes everyone uncomfortable, but he says it's just cause Russia and China are packing too."
"I figure we'd also be the one who obnoxiously insists on 'defending' every girl in the party- whether the girl wants it or not. Lots of 'do you wanna go?' energy, then trying to clean up any mess we make but just doing the absolute worst job of it while staying way, waaay too long after the party is over."
"We'd also get mad at China for stealing our famous brownie recipe even though we asked them to make it for us."
We aren't sure we want to be invited to that party.
Sounds like there's gonna be a lot of drama.
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Irrespective of men's sexual identity or preference, there are men who hate sports, and there are men who love musical theater. Do participating in either activity make men straight or gay?
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
"Advice I received in high school from other students:" "Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee." "When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist." "Never button the top button of your shirt."
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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