When your time is up, your time is up.
It feels like everyone wants one of two things.
People want to go out in a blaze of glory and/or in peace and without pain.
What I know for sure is I definitely don't want to be smoted by a stupid death.
Like, Lord, please don't let me die choking on fried chicken and an XL frozen Appletini at the Dallas BBQ because I was laughing to hard at my own jokes.
Please.
Redditor BlueD_ wanted everyone to fess up about the times they almost met their maker in a less than dignified manner by asking:
"What's the dumbest way you almost died?"
Torn...
"Hooked shirt on roller coaster flying by while I was operating it. Shirt tore but it threw me a meter onto track just behind it. I crawled off in time before it came back around."
GottaGoSmash
The Lump
"Born with a lump in my throat that was blocking my airway. It was so bad that I was turning purple from air loss by 3 months old, but the doctors kept telling my mom they couldn't find anything wrong. Finally was rushed to children's hospital where they did emergency laser surgery to remove the lump. Almost died to complete incompetence, thankfully the people at children's were much more capable."
Leroy_Spankinz
So Wrong...
"I was playing at some church camp as a teenager. They had us running around in the dark. Well, they had a guy wire from a telephone pole in basically the middle of the forest and I ran into it at neck height."
"You know in cartoons when someone runs into something and their feet fly up even with their body and they fall down? I'm pretty sure that happened to me."
"I had a very nasty cut that was pretty deep on my throat and I'm pretty sure if it was just a bit deeper I would have got the important arteries lol. I could be wrong though."
Nimbleturtles
See now sometimes this is why death is the thing of nightmares.More often than not its not about death itself; it's about the journey on the way out.
Life is already stressful enough, always looking both ways, and not stepping on cracks. How can I be alert for literally anything and everything all at once?
the baby....
"I was born super premature and would apparently never stop crying and every doctor was just like 'she's a baby, she's crying just because' until my parents took me to the children's hospital and then a doctor was like 'yeah, she's dying. Surgery now.' I was born with a double hernia."
Just Walk
"Almost fell to my death from the second floor of an abandoned theater because I was running down a flight of stairs that are just cut off midway. Someone with the fastest reflex skills just grabbed me by my shirt and pulled my backwards. Don't run in abandoned buildings."
coldnymph
Evil Mango
"When I was 19, I ate a mango and it was a large piece and it got stuck in my throat. I started to choke. I found it hard to breathe and couldn't talk. My brother did the heimlich manuever on me and the mango came out. I laughed about it a minute later because imagine "defeated by mango" written as your reason for death."
When I was three, I nearly choked to death on a piece of pineapple.
I was throwing chunks into the air and catching them with my mouth like a seagull.
Can you imagine that obituary?
No one would've imagined me in advanced classes years later.
I feel others here can relate.
The Day is Out
"Using a pickaxe while tired. Was using the flat end to break up dirt. It got stuck. I yanked it, causing my feet to slip on the dirt while I basically pulled myself straight down on the spike end. My arms shot out and I landed in a push up position with the tip less than an inch from my chest. I called it a day after that."
ProbablyYourButt
Do Vodka
"I was very sad and drank lots and lots of rum. I woke up covered in vomit all over my bed, I had probably vomited multiple times in my sleep. I was alone. I could have choked on my spew and died. I avoid rum now."
writingwithmovement
NEVER!
"I felt incredible pain in my abdomen and laid in bed a week hoping it would go away. By the time I asked to go to the hospital I was in Sepsis. I was out of my head in pain, couldn't eat, high fever, etc. Apparently I had a bout with diverticulitis. I had no idea what that was."
"Mine perforated and my white blood cell count was insane. The perforation was pouring toxins into my body cavity. They didn't do surgery, they only ran a tube down in my back to drain the 'death sludge' from my body. My kidneys and my bladder were trying to shut down. I'll never forget that pain for as long as I live."
"I was on mega antibiotics and it saved my life. Even after leaving the hospital I was on antibiotics for another 2 weeks. Had this happened to me several years ago they would have had me in surgery and I would have had some of my colon removed and I would have had a colostomy bag. :-( "
"But, these days they hit you with tons of antibiotics and they've been having success. I learned to never lay in bed for a week with pain like that. Never again."
moviesandcats
In the Shallow...
"Played in the shallow waters of a lake before knowing how to swim, father told me not to go further in and being the stupid rebellious child i was i immediately went in further and sank just as quick. luckily my father was watching and a former lifeguard, so he jumped in in full clothing and pulled me out. the next day my parents bought me floaties."
ArnoNyhm44
GiphyOff the Cliff
"Tried to set a tyre on fire and roll it down a cliff at a beach barbecue while drunk underage, fell on my a** and rolled off the cliff. Slowed myself down enough to prevent me getting any air and scraped myself bloody all the way down. Ripped my jeans from calf to belt and ended up really bloody but luckily only ended up freefalling 10ft and landed on a relatively flat rock which saved me. Terrified of cliffs now."
PorkSwordFight
On the Trail
"GF and I were Hiking at 6am on a mountain trail. We stopped to admire the sunrise over the mountains when things got a little intimate. A jogger runs by which spooks both of us. With my shorts around my ankles I slip and fall to the ground and come within inches of falling off of a 500+ ft drop."
collegedropout50
Above the Water
"Drunk swimming in the ocean. I was a competitive swimmer in HS, so I was pretty confident in my abilities around any body of water. My dumb a** decide one day, while drinking with friends at the beach, that 3 beers and a couple of shots in, was the perfect time to go for a swim in the ocean. Friend joined me while the rest stayed sunbathing and whatnot."
"Neither of us was thaaaat drunk, but after a few mins we were really far from shore and the current kept dragging us away from shore. Luckily the lifeguards spotted us and helped us back to the shore, because, while we weren’t drowning, we were getting really tired and further and further away. Boy did I learned the sea is to be respected at all times."
Jxnoga
So So Cold
"Hypothermia kayaking through the drains under Manchester, wearing jeans and jumper, using an inflatable kayak which burst, in November, after drinking a bottle of whisky. That's right up there near the top of the list I guess."
Bigjobs69
titanic leonardo dicaprio GIFGiphyOut Cold
"Not me, but one summer I was a counselor at a summer camp. The older campers would have to clean the canoes they used at the end of the week, and a 13-year-old boy decided in a flash that it would be funny to put the power washer in his mouth and pull the trigger. Can’t really blame him, he was just a kid. But he got knocked out cold and his mouth was f**ked up."
ProfessorBeer
Machine Works
"Was a Quality Engineer in a motor assembly plant responsible for test cell work (where engines are run for checkout). At that time, guys still wore ties. I was facing a gigantic engine with whirling pulleys in the front, just happened to look down and saw my tie moving toward being sucked into a pulley and belt and jumped back. Had I been an half second later, my head would be lying on the floor and my body would be in the process of being chopped into pieces. Be careful around moving machinery folks."
Amorougen
Lucky
"During a trip to the shotgun range, a clay pigeon fly’s low and away from the guy who is currently shooting. The range safety officer says something to him, and he turns to face him. For whatever reason his shotgun goes the other way and is now pointed at my head, with his finger on the trigger. So f**king lucky it didn’t fire."
Inevitable-Break-411
50 Years Later
"When I was a young hippie (I’m male) I was working with a large commercial drill at my job and I got my long hair wound up in it and it sucked me in until it tore a large chunk of hair out along with some scalp. Hair is still thin in that area 50 years later."
Hamfiter
Swallow
"By rolling up an entire Airhead, putting it in my mouth then promptly swallowing it and getting it lodged in my throat for too many minutes."
gatordunn
Choking Cbs GIF by HULUGiphyLOL
"I don't know if I could have died, but I was really young and an adult sat on my back. It was a lot of weight. I was blacking out if I remember, but fortunately they got off in time. When I later asked them why they did it, they just laughed and said I was being annoying back then."
succulent_gardener
Of course the best deaths are TV deaths. Some can be viewed as absurdist comedy but then fiction is often based on some reality.
Do yourselves a favor and watch "Chuckles Bites the Dust" from The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
We've all been Mary at a funeral. Just pray you never become a Chuckles.
And for extra credit watch Hilary's fiancé Trevor die on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Ouch.
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We've all heard creepy rumors or legends that have made falling to sleep far more challenging than necessary.
Such as ghosts that supposedly haunt old buildings or alligators supposedly lurking in sewer systems.
If there's anything guaranteed to send shivers down the spine of superstitious or panic-stricken individuals, it's learning that the terrifying information they've just been told is fact, and not fiction.
Making one nervous to step out their door in the morning, let alone fall asleep.
Redditor mimiqttt was eager to hear the most utterly spine-tingling facts people knew, leading them to ask:
"What are some creepy facts you know?"
For The Sake Of Transparency...
"Box Jellyfish are not only the most venomous jellies to humans, but they also possess at least 24 functional eyes (of various degree) on its body despite having no centralized brain."
"Four of its eyes always peer up out of the water regardless of the animal's body position."
"Some eyes can make out images, others are more primitive."- Southern_Gator
The Last Thing You'll Ever Hear...
"Hearing is the last sense you lose before dying."- HorrorPusherr
Talk About Keeping You Up At Night...
"Hundreds of people die every year."
"From being strangled by their bedsheets."- bender0x7d1
Sunny Day Bed GIF by VVS FILMSGiphySay Cheese!
"If all bacteria in a cheese decided to move in the same direction the cheese would move quite a distance in a day."- Worldly-Traffic-5503
Deserving Of A Raised Brow...
"Due to human artificial selection, dogs are evolving eyebrows."- Light_of_Niwen
Beyond An Existential Problem...
"There is a condition where you just think you’re dead or don’t exist."
"People who have it sometimes stop eating because they think they’re dead."- BlueCanary434
Sad Halloween GIF by This GIF Is HauntedGiphyAmong The Many Reasons You Should Always Knock...
"One of the most common places to find a dead body is on the toilet."
"Cause when they're alive and not feeling well, the first thing they do is go to the toilet thinking it could be a bowel issue."-pumpkinthighs
Dubious Honor...
"Herculaneum is better preserved than Pompeii, it just hasn't been excavated as much."
"Pompeii was essentially destroyed by falling volcanic rock, it's dead later being buried by ash after rigor had set in."
"Herculaneum was destroyed by pyroclastic flows so hot that the liquids in people's bodies turned to vapor and exploded instantly."
"Currently, the population in the area is so large that the Italian government is having a hard time deciding whether or not it's worth it to warn or evacuate them or not."-Reddit
Can't Say It Ran In The Family
"In a strange and semi creepy coincidence, Robert Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was saved from falling off a train platform and being run over by Edwin Booth, brother of John Wilkes Booth."- Infamous-Piece3783
train tracks natgeo channel GIF by National Geographic ChannelGiphyA Job Not Fit For The Human Race.
"Cadaver dogs can smell bodies through waters."
"Lakes , etc."- PlaysTheTriangle
...BWAHAHAHAHAHA...
"If you build something in your yard against HOA rules, then it’s called an unwanted erection."- thecookiesmonster
When Your Body Starts Gaining Up On You...
"Your eyes have their own immune system that works separately from your body’s immune system."
"If your body’s immune system found out it would attack your eyes."
"I read this here and at my last eye appointment I asked if it was true."
"The eye doctor said 'Yeah, it’s kinda weird' and I was like 'kinda?'"- McSmackthe1st
Eyes Blink GIF by Eternal FamilyGiphyPretty And Delicate On The Outside...
"If given access to it, butterflies will happily drink blood."- supermarketblues
The Only Thing Scarier Than One Black Hole...
"During the merger of two black holes, a black holes can occasionally get ejected from the system and get shot out into open space and become a wandering black hole."
"The creepy part for me is that because a large part of the way in which we see black holes is through their interactions with their surroundings we wouldn’t really be able to see it coming towards us."- rflok34
Vanity Is A Sin, After All...
'Everyone who has ever owned the HOPE DIAMOND has met some sort of gruesome, untimely death."- QuietRulrOfEvrything
diamond supply GIFGiphyThe world is a fascinating, often terrifying place.
Perhaps why some people firmly believe ignorance is bliss.
On the other hand, knowledge is power.
So if you see a school of jellyfish, you all now know better than to think they can't also see you...
Do you ever use a product and wonder... "Who in the world thought this would work?"
That seems to be an issue with a lot of items in life.
Like, who designed all these extra dinner forks?
It's all too confusing when you just want to eat a salad and a steak.
Let me keep my fork.
You're wasting water on all the cleaning.
Think before you create.
Redditor DongLaiCha wanted to discuss some products that may need more in-field research, so they asked:
"What products are clearly made by people or companies who never actually use them?"
Remember CDs?
It was easier to break into the Pentagon than open that plastic wrapping.
Who thought that idea up?
Too Dry
Hair Bathing GIFGiphy"I swear that people who design some shampoo and conditioner bottles have never tried to use them while wet."
danarexasaurus
Assessments
"Elementary state assessments. They are the most obtuse, poorly written, unrealistic questions on earth. They enrage me. They are clearly written by people who either have zero experience in elementary education or haven’t had any in a decade or so."
meadow_chef
"I have a BA in English and couldn't figure out one of the answers to my child's third-grade ELA state test practice. I spoke to the teacher about it and she sounded so defeated about the testing. There's no way to prepare children for a test when the questions and answers are so poorly written that the students, their teacher, and the parents can't pick the correct answer."
DistractedHouseWitch
Cheap and Expensive
"A few years ago we wanted a coffee maker with a slightly larger carafe. The only 14-cup one we could find at a reasonable price was branded with Drew Barrymore's name. Whatever, we bought it. It was the worst kitchen device I've ever owned. The interface to set the clock, program it, etc. was absolutely baffling to use, never seemed to do the same thing twice."
"The instructions were apparently written by whatever guy at the factory had a cousin who'd seen an American TV show once. And when it actually did somehow make coffee, it came out shriekingly hot, to where I would put a couple of ice cubes into my travel mug when I left for work just to get it down to drinkable temperature."
Fabulous-Quality-282
Flip It
"Those who make the 'pull this flip to open' on plastic packaging of cold cuts."
MissNatdah
"Similarly, the people who make 'resealable' packages of food products where you have to cut it open in a certain place, but cutting there either results in: A) the package still being sealed closed, or B) ruining the internal sealing zipper. I have this issue with the frozen dumplings I buy and no matter what I do, I have NEVER been able to reseal the package as advertised and have to resort to a chip clip."
pls_send_caffeine
Punch a Hole
Mac And Cheese Eating GIF by Megan BatoonGiphy"The 'push here to open' spot on Kraft Mac and Cheese."
coop_doop
"Whenever I get a different brand I just punch a hole in the same spot out of habit. It’s about exactly as hard to do as with the Kraft ones. So they might as well take out the perforating step and save .001¢/box in the production process."
Reaper_Messiah
Why do they want to keep our Mac and Cheese from us?
Give me my meal!!
Tearing Sheets
office paper GIFGiphy"Those toilet paper holders in public toilets that cut off at two sheets."
theshortlady
"Same area: those paper towel dispensers that require a two-handed pull, commonly leaving you with two little torn-off triangles of paper in your hands."
repowers
Useless
"Zebra printers. I swear Zebra customer service is useless. I've had to call the help desks for the specific companies I've worked for because the Zebra CS is just like 'Huh!?'"
monotoonz
"We wrote our own internal manuals for how to setup, manage, and troubleshoot Zebra printers. It includes helpful information like 'Do not call Zebra about this issue, instead, see Appendix A' (which is screenshots of conversations about how it is is a known issue and the resolution should be coming shortly (dated 2016))."
001235
City Life
"Maybe a bit off-topic, but in a meeting with a former colleague of mine, the person in charge of the metro for a nearby city admitted that he had never used the metro. Not that he didn’t use the metro, but that he had never used it in his life, even once. I suspect that this kind of thing isn’t uncommon for government services."
KireGoTI
"Similar story. A lifelong friend of didn’t even know we had a Metro until a recent expansion meant she had to drive a different way into her office. She works for the city council."
TheKingMonkey
Warn You
"Hospital beds. From the standpoint of the person who has to push it around and mess with rails that get caught in the mattress and plug it in with a long dirty cord that gets mixed up with another random cord that no one knows its purpose. No retractable cords so they constantly drag on the ground and try to trip you when pushing the bed."
"Brakes that are in the most awkward position that you have to invert your knee to reach with your foot. And worst, the screeching, ear-piercing alarm that they emit to 'warn you' that the bed is not locked. Hospital beds are obnoxious."
Agitated-Effort3423
Help Please
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno CalypsoGiphy"Customer-facing software. Developers should be required to hire grandmas under the explicit condition that if grandma can't look at a menu option and decide what to click without giving up and calling the help desk your functionality has failed."
Puzzleheaded-Bat8657
I can't even begin to get into software options.
It brings back too much PTSD.