Going under the knife for any medical-or dental-procedure is nerve wracking, no matter how minor. So its always good to know that there is a relaxing agent to make the process much smoother. Anesthesia (or laughing gas in some circles) is a gift. It takes away all your worries and fills you with the fuzzies. But it does hinder one's ability to think clearly and often let's loose the lips. Oh the family secrets and wild chatter a patient spits out after surgery while high on the gas.... that's better than any sitcom.
Redditor u/Ronin47dododo was wondering what secrets and wonders have fallen out of numb patient's mouths that medical people may have jotted down by asking.... Medical professionals of reddit, what's the funniest thing a patient has said under anesthesia?It's Gone!
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Yelling for his brother then whispering loudly to him "Check to see if I still have my penis... I think they took my penis!" then proceeded to flash the whole room.
Edit: for those asking the procedure was to remove a benign tumor in his cheek (face cheek not butt cheek).
Hey Sexy
Was recovering a patient after surgery who got ketamine which has a known side effect of making you super emotional. When she woke up she started cat calling me telling me how attractive I was. Then she got worked up because she was thirsty so I told her I could get her ice chips. As I am getting her ice chips she starts to go "I hate to see you leave but I love to see you go." As I disappear to get her some ice chips she starts crying real tears that she scared me off and how sorry she was.
"woke up"
I apparently can't handle my anesthesia.
The first time I "woke up" I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to "fight" by Monday. My wife properly translated that to "can he teach his wrestling class."
Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS.
She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS standing in the frozen dairy section holding german chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it "because my people made it".
Car was still running with the passenger door left open.
Its You!
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18-year-old girl "recognized" the (male) anesthesiologist from tinder last week and accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date - while randomly falling half-asleep in between. As we put her back in bed she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men and that she still thinks he's pretty.
Dry your tears....
When I "woke up" I was bawling my eyes out. When I actually came to, I asked why I was crying and everyone laughed at me and told me they had been asking me the same thing for almost an hour, which made me cry even more. We had to return a DVD and my mom stupidly asked me to remember before I went under so I wrote it on my arm.
On the car ride home, I reminded her every 30 seconds or so to take Sahara back and aren't you proud of me for remembering?! I also really wanted Jimmy John's and started crying again when my mom said there was no way I could eat it but that didn't make sense because I didn't need my wisdom teeth to eat. Good times.
Killer
In the early days of my surgical training, there was a day that I was assigned to a colonoscopy list. Standard practice is to pre-medicate patients in the anesthesia bay if required, particularly if they are a bit anxious about the procedure. I was clerking one of the patients in the anesthesia bay going through consent and the usual preop routine when I noticed that she was giving me these weird side-long glances and that her eyes would dart away everytime I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business.
Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm standing behind her; she, curled up into the fetal position with her butt hanging out and I, colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: "You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies."
A moment later she was asleep and I was checking her colon for polyps.
Fancy Dress
I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn't sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown and I say,'if my balls are hanging out. That makes this a ball gown.' Really helped with the tension.
Ya Hear Private?
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Anesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes suddenly jumped upright and sit on the bed and he said something : Sir, yes sir! He was under military service at that time.
Sorry Bud
Not a doctor, but I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist. I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, "Well that's a stupid freakin' reason to become a dentist."
Sorry, Dr. J 😬.
Sounds like a Chocolate Latte....
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Had a patient come into recovery after surgery.
She farted so long and loud the entire 20 bed unit heard her. Then she said "I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache." As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas.
Let me do it....
I'm a doctor and was getting a knee reconstruction, and asked one of my best friend's dad to do my anesthesia. He was head of department at the hospital I worked at at the time.
Apparently after he gave me the Midazolam (to chill time out and basically I forget everything from then on), he inserted a local anesthetic block into my leg.
The next day he told me what happened.
Apparently, I then told him it's not working and he should have done it higher up and over tried to grab the needle from him to show him, after I asked if he knew what he was doing. I also complained the bed was cold.
We still have a good laugh about it.
DAVID!
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Woman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, "David! That alarm clock has a nose and it's running! Wipe it!"
"What time is it."
The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of burger king breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food. They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10).
The first words out of my mouth were "What time is it." When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30 I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day I promptly burst into tears.
Edit: I did get my burger king a different day. Thank you all for your concern.
"What are you doing?!"
One of the times I had an endoscopy when I was around 10 years old I woke up pretty groggy and naturally with a dry and sore throat. I asked the nurse for water but she said I couldn't have any yet. She left the room so I started climbing over the raised sides of the bed to get some.
She walks back in with me almost at the point of no return (also the point immediately preceding the point of face planting the floor as I was in no state to be balancing or climbing), freaks out screaming "What are you doing?!" So I say something song the lines of 'getting some water' and she relents and goes and gets me some.
A Vegetable State
When I was a toddler, my mom fell off our roof and broke her back. Apparently she was terrified she was going to become a vegetable, because after her back surgery she asked the nurse, "Am I a broccoli, or a cauliflower?"
Ready Freddie
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65 year old woman who had a wrist surgery. She was anxious so they gave her a good whack of propofol (the milk of amnesia).
Mid surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick northern Irish accent she was like "Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka?" "gimme a wee bit more boy, I'm loving this stuff."
Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing "don't stop me now". The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie.
FLY!!!!
Not a medical professional, but my mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, "Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!"
The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.
Well if it was good for Hitler....
I'm a consultant anesthetist (UK) and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in.
My all time favorite is a 40 something guy a few years ago - he needed a testicle removing for cancer. He'd never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone.
As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient.
"Hitler... has only got one testicle..."
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When we got to the hospital he went into the pediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo but Elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.
Hopped
I dislocated my shoulder in a way that my arm ended up stuck up over my head. Apparently, while all hopped up on demarol, I was laughing hysterically while the doctor was standing on the table/gurney wrestling with my arm to get it back into the socket. I don't remember a thing.
Ummmm.... Ok.
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This woman undergoing C-section under spinal anesthesia + ketamine said 'Show my baby first to my brother-in-law, he deserves to see her first'. I sometimes wonder what happened to her marriage after that.
Speaking in Tongues....
After having my tonsils out at 24, something got crossed in my brain and I started answering the nurses in Welsh. Since I was definitely English (with an obvious Midlands accent) and we weren't even near the Welsh border at the time there was a reasonable amount of confusion until it cleared up about 15 minutes later and I began speaking my native tongue again.
I also sleep talk in Welsh occasionally.
Spirit Delusions
Patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure: "I'm deaaaaaaaad" "No, you're ok, we're taking care of you" "I'm a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!" wavy arm motions Ok.
I was given Ketamine in the ED and was like comatose. I couldn't move and was having trippy hallucinations.
I felt like I was floating above myself and was thinking "oh I'm dead. Is this dead? This isn't so bad". I slowly came to and then like flipping a switch I full came back and immediately started sobbing uncontrollably about how as a vet tech I give ketamine to animals and how scary it must be since they don't understand they've been drugged.
Potato Fingers
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Anesthesiologist told me that as I was going down that I was describing my fingers feeling like French fries, but French fries after you take them home and put them in microwave so they're soggy and not as good.
For Ron
The most memorable funny one was a guy who sat bolt upright, mime rolling a cigarette and tuck it behind his ear "saving it for 'ron" when I asked what he was doing.
Anesthesia can be a wild trip.
The kids will always scream when they wake up.
Not this Menu
A woman was absolutely distraught that she was going to be made to eat asparagus and was repeatedly telling us that she did not like asparagus, especially with eggs, and was politely rejecting the asparagus she thought we were constantly offering her.
To you and you and you....
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Not anesthesia but delirium. Introduced the oncoming nurse to the patient. The patient gestured grandly around the room and said "(nurse's name), meet all my friends!!"
....to an empty room.
Delirium is so messed up.
I know somebody that was put into Residential Aged Care because of their advanced dementia, months into their stay it turns out they just had a UTI and once it was treated they regained all functions again.
When in Nam
My brother had top surgery and woke up from being put under. My step mom (whom I call "Mom") recorded him talking about how Abe Lincoln was a great guy. She asked him how he knew and he replied with: "I knew him back in 'Nam". And that's the story of how my brother fought side-by-side with Abe Lincoln back in Vietnam.
La Familia
My dad (Italian) was waking up from anesthesia and kept looking at his asian nurse and saying he was so glad his daughter was with him. And that he loved his daughter. The nurses were confused, so they went out into the waiting to check for his daughter. I was the only one in the waiting area, and when they saw me and started hysterically laughing. I am Korean by birth, but what adopted by my lovely Italian family. :)
All the Gold
I was the patient, but right before Christmas a couple of years ago I had my gallbladder removed. In the recovery room as I was waking up I became obsessed with singing the 12 Days of Christmas song. I kept asking the nurses what order the verses were in. As they were wheeling me out of the room I heard a nurse belt out "Five golden rings!" Which was followed by everyone's laughter.
Turn it Up!
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"I'm preparing to salsa dance."
"Stand back everybody. There's nothing you can do to stop me."
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Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.
More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.
Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.
Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.
Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:
"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"
Don't Give Me So Much Credit...
'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."
"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."
"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."
"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"
"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher
Eternal Optimism...
"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."
"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465
Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...
"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”
"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”
"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia
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Double Whammy!
"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."
"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93
Can't Hide Your DNA...
'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."
"She cracked the code."
"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93
Self-Sufficient!
"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."
"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."
"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'
"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody
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A Miracle!
"My brother-in-law’s comment."
"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."
"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."
"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."
"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."
"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."
"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"
"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn
Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...
"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."
"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."
"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."
"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."
"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379
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A Bit Too On The Nose?
"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."
"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."
"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."
"'What would you expect to find there?'"
"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB
Not Yet, Anyway...
"I was working with my friend and his dad."
"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."
"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."
"His dad asked, 'what for?'"
"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."
"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890
Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...
"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."
"She told this story to him:"
"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."
"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."
"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."
"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."
"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."
"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."
"She asked him what was wrong."
“'What’s wrong???'"
"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714
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Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...
"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."
"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52
Read The Room People!
"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."
"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."
"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"
"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl
There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".
As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.