Doctors Share Their Best "You're Faking It" Patient Stories
Doctors Share Their Best "You're Faking It" Patient Stories[rebelmouse-image 18348208 is_animated_gif=
We all know those people who go to the doctor looking for drugs and make up fake aches and pains to get them. Little do they know that doctors can see right through that routine that they get multiple times a day. These doctors share their patient's most desperate and transparent attempts at faking it.
VictoriaLegros asks: Doctors/nurses of Reddit; What is the most obvious case of a patient 'faking it' you have ever seen?
Obvious bad acting[rebelmouse-image 18346607 is_animated_gif=
I've seen patients faking seizures but not like this guy. Arms and legs shaking, not the head or torso. Looked more like a rain dance than a seizure. Talking through it. Neuro doc happens to be close by and comes in the room when we call for him.
"Stop that." He says
"I can't!" Patient replies
Doc puts his hands on the patients legs, hard and firm, and says "STOP."
Who hasn't tried to get out of school...[rebelmouse-image 18348209 is_animated_gif=
As a Radiographer my favourite is always the kids who are trying to milk some extra time off school.
They'll come in with their helicopter parent flinching and sometimes crying as you move their arm into the required positions for the x-rays.
Then use the affected arm to push themselves up out of the chair when they leave.
Or if it's an ankle they'll enter the x-ray room cringing and not putting it on the floor, then will jump off the x-ray table.
Nice try kids, no plaster for you.
Listen up[rebelmouse-image 18348210 is_animated_gif=
Speech therapist here. Its impossible to fake a hearing loss and I had a few during my training. You cant be totally deaf in one ear and totally normal in the other during a hearing exam. Your head is a ball of liquid, so the sound travels through and into the good ear, registering as a moderate hearing loss in the deaf ear. Further testing is required to determine how severe the loss actually is.
I had one guy flinching each time the sound went in his "deaf" ear (reflexive response) and insist he couldn't hear it. The audiologist sent him for an expensive auditory brainstem response study, where they can test your hearing without participating.
Don't fake a hearing loss, guys. You end up blowing a bunch of money and looking stupid.
They are onto you[rebelmouse-image 18348211 is_animated_gif=
Physical Therapy. We get a ton of patients faking injuries for worker's comp fraud, but we're legally not allowed to call them out on it. We can document inconsistencies in their symptoms, but that's about it.
We had a patient a few months ago who "hurt" his wrist. I had him do thumb opposition, which basically means touching your index finger and thumb together (the A-OK sign). Starting with the index, then you move on to the middle finger + thumb, then ring finger, and finally the pinky which is the most difficult. I had him do it backwards on his second visit, so pinky first. He did it easily, and started pretending that it was getting harder as he got to his index finger.
She was really trying to hook a man[rebelmouse-image 18348212 is_animated_gif=
I'm a Midwife - we had a lady who would come in every few weeks with a new guy claiming she was in "labour" or experiencing a miscarriage. Ofc we had to take her seriously every time even though we knew she wasn't, so we'd scan her etc. only to tell her that she's not pregnant and isn't experiencing labour or a miscarriage, thankfully. She's then turn to her guy and say that modern medicine is unreliable and he should just trust her instinct and will he help her raise the baby. The guy would often become afraid "how am I gonna raise this baby, what are the chances a SCAN is wrong etc" we'd reassure him that 100% she isn't pregnant, they'd argue, break up and she'd be back a few weeks later. Also, she'd come in by ambulance. Every time.
Even actors have a hard time acting dead[rebelmouse-image 18348213 is_animated_gif=
Faking being unconscious while peeking.
Hard sternal rub.
Presto! No longer "unconscious", and very angry.
Add this one to the police list[rebelmouse-image 18348214 is_animated_gif=
NSFL My friend told me this story and it is probably the worst account of Munchausen by proxy I ever heard of.
Lady came in the ER with what was revealed later as fake IDs for her and her baby. Baby was puking blood so she was taken in fast. Strangely, apart from the blood luking, the baby didn't seem that bad. CBW revealed normal results, which was definitely not expected. Doc found this suspicious and had the blood analyzed, to reveal it wasn't the baby's.
They finally realized the woman was making her baby drink her diva cup to make her sick and get attention.
Seems like the most common tactic[rebelmouse-image 18348215 is_animated_gif=
I have had patients fake seizures to try and get admitted. They are usually careful to make sure everyone is watching before thrashing around on the stretcher. If you turn around, sometimes they stop and then will carefully peak to see if you are paying attention.
When you are desperate for that baby![rebelmouse-image 18348217 is_animated_gif=
Obstetrics here, we had a 27 week pregnant girl come in claiming her waters had broken and she was in pre-term labour. Tested with a dipstick not positive for amniotic fluid but she was in our HDU just in case.
She went to the loo and came out with a soaking pad and tried the my water's just broke thing again. Yes she'd run it under the tap. Then we had a lovely chat about how amniotic fluid and water do not smell at all alike and she stopped doing it for a couple of weeks and started faking pv bleeds by putting lipstick on her pads instead.
The worm does not equal a seizure sir[rebelmouse-image 18347311 is_animated_gif=
Having a "seizure" while doing the worm on the ground and telling me that "only dilaudid ever stops these". Yeah, narcotics don't break seizures, you have no idea what a seizure looks like, and you can't talk while having a tonic clonic seizure.
This is a true scam artist[rebelmouse-image 18348218 is_animated_gif=
Had a patient complaining, and passing (we heard them go Plink in the bowl), bladder stones. Meds galore, of course, those things hurt!! We sent the stones for testing, turned out the joke was on us; They came back as Gravel. Even the lab said "Not usually found in human anatomy". No more drugs for you, lady!!
Coloring on yourself will not get you drugs[rebelmouse-image 18345004 is_animated_gif=
Not me, but a fellow nurse used to work in the ER in Albuquerque. Had a lady come in with severe pain from her 'varicose veins' seeking opiates. He washed the red marker lines off part of her leg and told her to leave.
You cannot fake labor[rebelmouse-image 18348220 is_animated_gif=
Former L&D nurse here. Watching someone try to fake labor is quite funny. They will push on the contraction monitor to try and make it look like they're having contractions but they look like squares not hills like normal contractions. They never have them if you're in the room watching. Or they scream and holler while pushing on it. You can't fake labor.....
She just wanted to be like her friends[rebelmouse-image 18346098 is_animated_gif=
Little girl says she can't see a thing. Swears she needs glasses. Do any of your friends have glasses? "Yeah, Chloe and Courtney have them". Big E - "No, I can't see it". I put 0.00 powered lenses on - "Oh, I can see it now!". Here, mom, this is how blind your kiddo is.
Curveball[rebelmouse-image 18348221 is_animated_gif=
She thought she had a stroke and was completely paralyzed on her left side, but that was obviously not the case, as she periodically used her left hand to wipe her eyes. She was crying so hard she didn't even realize she was doing it, and continued to think she was paralyzed. I thought she was faking it at first, but it turns out the patient had conversion disorder, which means they thought they had a physical medical condition, and they were manifesting symptoms of one, but they actually didn't have it, and their brain was tricking them into thinking it. In essence: they weren't faking it, but they also weren't physically sick.
A catheter will change everything[rebelmouse-image 18348222 is_animated_gif=
Patient played possum and pretended not to be able to talk, move, etc... and did a pretty good job of sticking to the act, until the Foley cath. The patient was then not only able to move around, the patient was also able to scream very loudly. Obviously nothing was wrong with them, they just wanted a place to stay.
Wild![rebelmouse-image 18348223 is_animated_gif=
I had one patient that had escaped police custody, causing a massive pursuit through the hospital wherein we apprehended her in a faculty break room. On the way back to her room she assaults my partner and I tackle her to the ground.
As we get back to the room she begins screaming "broke my leg!". Thirty seconds later as the nurse is putting the blood pressure cuff on her, she begins screaming; she yells that now her arm is broken, she just wasn't sure of it until that moment.
Everyone is rolling their eyes, and I guess she realized she wasn't garnering any sympathy from anyone...so she starts taking a seizure.
At this point I've wasted 30 minutes dealing with this nonsense, so I tell the police officer "She's faking."
This woman sits straight up, stops seizing, and yells "No I'm not, you f****** b****!", and then lays back down to continue her "seizure".
That was the first time I laughed at a patient.
Pain is pleasure?[rebelmouse-image 18348225 is_animated_gif=
I had a patient in the ER complaining of severe pain while literally eating a whole bucket of KFC fried chicken and mashed potatoes while sitting in the bed.
I asked her, "How would you rate your pain, on a scale from 0-10?"
Her, with a mouthful of chicken: "Uhhh, a 10 I guess."
Hamburgers help some types of tummy pain...[rebelmouse-image 18348226 is_animated_gif=
I had a patient who kept complaining of 10/10 abdominal pain who insisted it was her gallbladder and that tylenol wasn't going to help. However every time somebody saw her she was eating a hamburger or something.
The safe thing to do is to ask too many questions[rebelmouse-image 18348227 is_animated_gif=
I worked on an acute psychiatric inpatient unit. We had a smoke room where we kept an eye on underage patients who weren't supposed to be there. One young guy got caught and threw himself to the floor, flopping around, faking a seizure. When he was done, he sat up and asked " Am I married? Am I in a restaurant?". He was banned from the smoke room, naturally, and the story entertained us for some time.
- People Break Down Historical Facts That May Sound Fake But Are Absolutely True - George Takei ›
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- Doctors Describe The Wildest Instances Of A Patient 'Faking It' They've Ever Seen - George Takei ›
- Doctors Break Down The Most Obvious Signs That A Patient Is Faking An Illness - George Takei ›
People Who've Slept With Their Friends' Significant Others Break Down The Aftermath
It's a wonderful feeling when you think you've met "the one."
Someone who is so perfect in absolutely every way that you can't help but think that they must be too good to be true.
Only to make the unpleasant discovery that they are, indeed, too good to be true.
As they neglected to tell you one important piece of information: they're seeing something else.
A discovery that is naturally met with rage, sadness, and confusion.
As well as the occasional unexpected, unusual development down the line.
"Guys that sleep with other guy's girlfriends, do you feel bad afterwards? Why or why not?"
Lose A Significant Other, Make A Friend!
"Hooked up with a girl at a party once."
"We hit it off and arranged to go on an actual date the next week."
"About an hour later someone told me her BF had just showed up."
"I gave the dude a beer, explained that I had no idea she wasn't single and that I'm sorry."
"He gave me a massive hug and thanked me for being upfront."
"We both told her to f*ck off and spent the rest of the night drinking and singing karaoke together."
"I didn't feel bad; I was lied to, he was betrayed, she was a *unt, nothing more to it really."- 5Volt
Pulled The Plug
"I did it twice not knowing they had bfs."
"Yes, I felt bad afterwards and I totally cut contact when I found out."- born_again_timCartoons Button GIF by NickelodeonGiphy
"When I was in college a married woman tried to hide her marriage… to a deployed Marine."
"As soon as I found out, I bounced."
"I never condone cheating."- ItsbeenBroughton
Two People Were Duped
"I actually have a story about this."
"So I hooked up with a girl who had a long term boyfriend at the time."
"I didn't know and we had few encounters over a two month period."
"One day I was curious and decided to look at her socials and that's when I found out about him."
"I never bothered to look because I was being ignorant and it was first time being in a fwb situation so I was excited and wanted to keep it secret."
"As I scrolled down her socials all I saw were pics of them on expensive dates and trips and I just felt so bad for the guy."
"I felt like I had become the thing I hated the most."
"So that same night I decided to DM him about the situation and send him the texts between me and her to show him proof."
"He then called me and sounded really hurt holding back tears and all I could do was just say sorry over and over."
"But he thanked me and told me he would be leaving her."
"I then blocked her number and thought it was over with but later on that week the girl showed up at my place of work and damaged my car."
"Although I was angry at the moment I chose not to press charges as advised by the police (not USA) because the damage was minimal."
"But yea that's my story."
"On a positive note he found a new girl who looks way better and they equally appreciate each other outwardly on their socials so yes it was a happy ending."- rankyyBeyonce Lemonade GIFGiphy
Even The Idea Is Hard Enough
"I lost a mate this way."
"We were really close friends and he was going through a rough time with his then girlfriend."
"She decided to get back at him by writing some bullsh*t in her journal about her and I hooking up and then conveniently left it out so he would see it."
"It was 100% untrue."
"Friend confronted me on it and I told him it was untrue but he didn’t believe me."
"We stopped talking after that."
"He eventually reached out to me about 6 months later after she admitted to him that she had made it all up."
"The damage was done and we never were the same again."- tizod
This Opens Many Questions...
"I had a brief friends with benefits arrangement with a girl who had a boyfriend."
"I didn't know the guy, and I was young and impetuous at the time."
"After time went on, I started to feel bad about it."
"It all came to a head when she told me she wanted to leave him to be with me and I said no."
"She asked why not."
"I said I couldn't trust her as a girlfriend."
"She asked why."
"I said, you've literally spent the last 2 months cheating on your boyfriend."
"Why else do you think?"- IdontdanceforfunFox Accuse GIF by New GirlGiphy
An Agreement Or Just Her Policy?
"I hooked up with a lady at my gym, she didn't say sh*t about being married, she came to my place the two times we hooked up."
"I saw her again at the gym with a dude, when he went off to go do something I went over and said hi, she said don't talk to her here with her husband around, she will call me later."
"She called me later and told me her husband worked out of town a ton, when in town she was with him, when he's out she's free to do as she pleases."
"We did not meet up again."- SomeRandomUser00
Thankfully, They Grew Up...
"I did it knowingly during High School."
"I was dating and she was too, but we both had issues in our relationships and we didn't know how to figure them out."
"Clinging to our toxic relationships we found solace in each other and enjoyed spending time together."
"We ended up fooling around and after we had sex, we both stopped."
"We stayed friends for a while and both continued dating, but eventually both of us were single."
"I regret it, he doesn't know about it, I told my gf and she accepted my apology, even though we did break up about a year later."
"I'm not proud of myself and I still hate myself for it."- Slippy_666
Nipped In The Bud...
"A buddy’s wife tried to get with me once."
"I told her she had 90 seconds to call her husband (my best friend from High school), put the call on speaker, and explain to the two of us why she was a complete POS…or I’d call him myself."
"They divorced the next month."- Pennameus_The_MightySeason 2 No GIF by MartinGiphy
Some Secrets Aren't Worth Keeping
"If i know she cheated with me on her dude I let the dude know.""
"i hate that kind of people."- DaEpicBob
It's hard to place blame on those who unknowingly got together with partnered individuals.
Those who knew what they were doing, on the other hand, should have expected there to be consequences of some sort or another.
Do you have any similar experiences, let us know in the comments below.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized Their Best Friend Was A Complete A-Hole
Sometimes we're so blind to the faults of others.
Learning the hard truth about a best friend is never easy.
Especially if that particular truth is the fact that they were never a good friend or good person, to begin with.
But we see people how we see them.
And one day, we see beyond what we want.
You sort of feel bamboozled.
But when someone tells you who they are, whether with their words or their actions, believe them.
Redditor RealTourelle11 wanted to hear how friendships fell apart, so they asked:
"What made you realize your best friend was actually a complete a**hole?"
I've realized far too many times too late, that some people need to go.
Not all friends are friends.
EXCUSE ME?!real housewives fight GIF by RealityTVGIFsGiphy
"When she told me she was cheating on her husband, and then I found out she was cheating with MY husband."
$40 worth of snacks...
"I was poor and in college, I had the flu really really bad one week and asked my friend (he lived in a dorm across the hall) to go to the convenience store in the dorm lobby and get me something to drink and he could get whatever for himself too. He got me my soda and himself $40 worth of snacks."
"Didn’t notice at the time and I ordered us a pizza, he knew it was all I was going to have to eat for the next few days, and he snuck into my room and ate the leftovers while I was passed out on cold medicine."
"I didn’t even really know how to respond. Like I was already buying him snacks and feeding him… he had a meal plan on campus (I didn’t)… why act like that?"
"When I trusted and believed he was like a brother only to have him steal thousands of dollars from me. The money didn’t even matter but the treason hurt for years."
"Happened to me too. A girl who was like a sister to me stole $80K from my business (her husband did, with her knowledge) and then turned her back on me while I was going through chemo. To be fair, I did tell her the worst thing would be if I lost a huge amount of money like that and that I’d rather have cancer again so I did give her the method to hurt me the worst. So there’s that."
"Over time we lost contact, then she only reached out when she needed money. I let this go on too long until I found out I was pregnant with my first, and told her then I wouldn't send any money after that. She still asked, my daughter is now over 1.5 yo, and she had never even met her. I ended up blocking her and telling her not to bother trying to reach out anymore."
Conversation Over...Talking Blah Blah Blah GIF by Wiz KhalifaGiphy
"I started to realize that they only ever talk about themselves. They rarely ask me a question, but then cut me off while I’m answering to make it about them."
Why can't people realize they need to shut up?
Probably because they don't care.
And Me?Bye Bye Goodbye GIF by Mickey MouseGiphy
"Realizing I am always there for them but it is never reciprocated or even acknowledged or even feigned interested in any thing I am doing in life."
"Best friend since elementary. In high school When I told her I no longer wanted to be friends because she was mean to others all the time, including me- she said that I had to be friends with her cuz she was my friend In elementary and middle school even tho everyone told her not to be, and that everyone talked behind my back about how gross and weird I was and she stayed my friend anyhow. She worded it like she was doing me a huge favor by being my friend and that I somehow owed her for that charity."
In the end...
"Probably when my gf at the time admitted to sleeping with him and my three other guy friends while we were together. Not in an embarrassed way either, she was throwing it in my face to hurt me."
"I hoped against my own instincts that it wasn't true but I asked him and knew instantly from the look in his eyes that it was. Basically lost my whole friend group overnight, but... ended up finding much better friends in the long run. It all works out."
The Single Life
"All we ever talked about was her - how she hated being single, who she dated, how jealous she was of other people with partners. She skipped my dad's funeral. She ignored my housewarming party. She'd ignore me for weeks at a time, then suddenly call me up crying because she got dumped."
"I drove her to surgeries and sat waiting to drive her home. Watched her kids. Sat through a hundred weepy nights."
"Then she found a relationship. I have seen her 1x in the past 9 months (because I invited her to get together) and haven't heard from her in 3. I guess she must be happy now, doesn't need me to be a shoulder to lean on. She wasn't ever interested in being a friend to me. I was just someone to cheer her up when she was feeling down."
LoserShaking Head Reaction GIF by GIPHY NewsGiphy
"When he got his girlfriend pregnant he got 6 weeks of paternity leave. He lived with me and she had her own place. For months after the child was born he sat home taking advantage of his paid vacation playing 10 hours of video games a day while she struggled with the child."
Some people just need to go from our lives.
Do you have any experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
People Confess Why They Think Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex Is A Good Or Bad Idea
Why is sex such a dramatic aspect of life?
It carries such weight in our lives.
For some, there's a big debate about waiting for marriage.
Other want to know if they're compatible (both emotionally and sexually) before tying the knot.
Whether it's for religious or other reasons, this topic can put a strain on many adult relationships.
First and foremost, we do know we have to do what's best for us.
Redditor EveningAd3633 wanted to hear about all the reasons to abstain or let loose, so they asked:
"Do you think that waiting until you are married for sex is a good idea? Why or why not?"
Redditors from around the globe wanted to share their experiences.
"I know a couple who are waiting until marriage. They both agree on it and are fine with it. But they have ridiculously over the top tickle fights. - _- It makes me so uncomfortable to witness. I'd almost rather see them bang in front of me. It's band camp levels of tension that just won't ever go away."
Do we Fit?
"No. We waited and we were not compatible… eventually, he cheated and we got divorced. Also, being compatible sexually is not a reason to get married either."
"I don’t understand how people don’t get this. It’s the same as any other aspect of marriage—if you aren’t compatible, you shouldn’t get married. It would be like dating someone, and the entire time you’re both blindfolded."
"Then after you’re married you can FINALLY take your blindfold off only to find out your partner looks like someone set their face on fire and put it out with a pick axe. Every aspect of compatibility is important in a marriage."
"Yes, you both change and evolve but if you’re not both 100% committed to weathering these changes and adapting as a couple, then your marriage will probably not be a happy one!"
"Personally, I think it's good to wait a while before having sex with someone to actually know them, but I wouldn't wait to be married... I think you should know the person that you are marrying on all aspect."
"WELL SAID - and just to take on so many of the other opinions on this thread, it is NOT a good idea to wait until after marriage. It’s not 'fine if you want' it’s actively a terrible idea IF you care about having a sex life. Hoping it will work out through sheer luck? Idiotic."
"No. Not saying you should f**k everyone that propositions you but you should make sure you are compatible with someone before marrying them. Too many people find out too late they can't stand someone's actual personality. Things change after sex, people calm down and get real, they stop being on their best behavior. Get to know the real person before you marry an intolerable a**hole."
Stay CalmRelaxing Chill Out GIF by Talk StoopGiphy
"If you want to wait, go for it. But don’t set yourself up for waiting until marriage, and then rush the marriage part just to get to the sex."
"Kid I work with is 24. Just got married. Did the deed. Now has a kid on the way. All within 3-4 months of meeting his wife at church. Great kid. But you can see it in his face already. The guy is STRESSED."
Roulettetv land casino GIF by Lopez on TV LandGiphy
"Paraphrasing Lewis Black: If you wait until marriage to have sex, then you are a gambler on a level I can't even freaking imagine."
"I would say it’s not about waiting until you are married but waiting until it is right for both of you. That’s the key point that a lot of people get wrong. They get to it for reasons other than it being right or feeling right."
"So if your belief is that you should have committed to a marriage, then that is what is going to feel right for you. It could also be that within hours (or even minutes) you can feel that it is right for you. Don’t judge the duration, judge the feeling that you have."
Cause and Effect
"I’ve heard horror stories of marriages being destroyed because it wasn’t until after wedlock that they discovered their sex drives were entirely different. It causes depression, it causes divorce, and in some extreme cases, it pushes people to cheat. I just don’t think it’s worth it to wait when it could potentially make or break a relationship."
He was right...
"My step dad always told me, 'You might like the pair of jeans you have, but there's always a chance you'll find a pair that fits you better.' He was right. There was no shame in having sex before marriage, and he also taught me that as a female, it is perfectly OK to buy and have the condoms. It's also ok to reject a guy if he doesn't want to be safe. Your body is worth more than his sexual pleasure."
More than talk...Heart GIF by BuzzFeedGiphy
"No. Unless you're both asexual, sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, and that's not something you can determine just through conversation."
"Sexual compatibility is important for asexual people too, as in having a similar lack of interest in it."
Thanks to these Redditors for opening up and sharing on such an important topic.
Some really valid points were made about communication, expectation, and compatibility.
Do you have any thoughts to share? Let us know in the comments below.
We've all known someone who tends to say mean things or generally be kind of a jerk.
And whether we want to admit to it or not, it can be fun to see that jerk taken down a few notches with a solid insult.
Ready for roasting, Redditor depressed_jellybear asked:
"What's the best insult you've ever heard?"
Not Your Mom
"When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical 'your mom' response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died."
"Without missing a beat, the teacher said, 'Leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
Adoption Jokes Not Welcome
"I was playing 'Pavlov' (a virtual reality game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like, 'You're bad because you're adopted,' and stuff like that."
"He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like, 'I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you.'"
"Had the whole lobby erupting. I don't know if it's taken from somewhere or what."
Underestimated by the Teacher
"Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:"
"'You make it really difficult to underestimate you.'"
"The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment."
"16-year-old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see 'American Pie':"
"Dad: So what is it about?"
"Me: A group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity."
"Dad: I can stay home and see that."
Based on Real Life
"I once asked my cousin if he watched the tv show 'Desperate Housewives,' and he said, 'No, I’m married to one."
The Joke Will Go On
"I remember when 'Titanic' came out. My grandma, my mom, and I were getting ready to see it."
"My grandpa said, 'Don’t know what the fuss is about. I can tell you what happens, the boat sinks. The end.'"
"Lol (laughing out loud). Maybe it was his delivery, but it cracked me up."
"The best one I've heard was, ''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.'"
Seems Pretty Complicated
"I overheard someone tell someone else, They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes."
An Insult for an Insult
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
"And I have the best response for that: 'Well then, I will pray for your health.'"
New Take on the Clown Car
"I saw a bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line."
"The bouncer quipped, 'I can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.'"
Signs of Aging
"Some bouncers are brilliantly witty, I assume it comes with working in a job where you have to deal with drunk a**holes all the time."
"A few years ago, I got IDed to enter a bar. I'd recently started buzzing my hair due to hair loss, yet my photo driving license had me with a thick full head of hair from several years before."
"The bouncer looked at the card, then me, and then said, 'Haven't you forgotten something?'"
"I was confused. He then showed his colleague, who nodded and said, 'Yeah mate, you've definitely forgotten something.'"
"Then he pointed to his head."
Good Luck Getting a Job
"You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing."
"From 'Golden Girls':"
"Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms."
"Sofia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"
"Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds."
While it can feel terrible to need to be around negative people sometimes, there's hope knowing that there are some things we can say that are funny and that will relatively put them in their place.
Now if only some of us could think of the comeback at the moment when it's useful...