A woman's partner refuses to watch their baby when she goes salsa dancing, even though he goes out drinking and partying.
Reddit shared its thoughts on this stunning display of insecurity and hypocrisy.
You can read beatchatta's story below.
I've been married for 3 years and we have a 15 month old. We have been together for over 10 years.
When we dated earlier on and had a big break up when I started salsa and fell in love it. I was quite young then so when we got back together, although he tried a couple of classes with me, he didn't feel the same. I did some more classes off and on but then i eventually stopped going. I thought why would i keep this up if my partner won't even dance the dance with me. At the time I only did the classes and didn't feel confident enough to stay and do social dancing.
Not continuing was always something i regretted. I get really sad when i hear salsa and bachata music as the music transports me to another place and also reminds me I didn't continue to learn the dance.
The first 10 months of having the baby was tough as I just stayed at home, finding it very hard to leave the house and organizing things to bring for the baby if I did take the baby out.
My partner also still continued his social life going out to friends places drinking and coming home late. In essence, although he is a great father, having a baby didn't have a major impact to him as he did to me. There were times when he came home at 3 to 5 am in the morning from drinking at his friends place. I was home with my baby alone on New Years eve as I did not want to bring the baby out late and I knew he would want to stay out. there are many functions i would not go to as I don't like to drive home alone with the baby and know that my partner would not like to leave the event early with us.
My partner did not do anything different and continued his exercise regime even picking up an extra activity. There was one stage were he had something on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and was about to pick up an extra thing on Wednesday when i finally put my foot down. Tuesday and Thursdays are now my time to do what i want whether it be catch up with friends or an activity.
I was ready to finally do something that was for me again and didn't want to do a gym activity.
I wanted to do salsa primarily again. So i started going. The classes i went to was in a night club. The classes ran both salsa and bachata. My partner did say "I don't know if i feel ok with this" but I said i really want to do this, not the gym. It will make me find me again.
I've started to feel so great'again and happy that I've picked up this ''hobby." I felt a sense of annoyance that i let myself drop this as I could of been a lot better from the last 4 years if I continued on but i was determine to make up for lost time.
I've only gone to classes for 6 times and the last two classes I started going home later as I began social dancing which was so much fun and I could understand that this was what i did wrong earlier on when i started to dance.
This week I came home just after midnight and my partner was pretty annoyed with me. He asked why I was out so late and I said I was social dancing. The music after the class finished also didn't start so we were waiting around for 20 minutes to get some dancing in.
Two days later, i decided after watching many you tube videos and googling classes in the area that I wanted to pick up some more specific bachata classes to really clean my basics and do it properly. I asked my partner if he would be home from work early enough so I could see if I could do it on the day the class would be held. He was angry that it was bachata' and said he thinks I should ""calm down a bit". It was a no nonsense - No that is enough discussion close - kind of response in a loud angry tone.
i feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and I will regret this. I know I will.
i tried to talk to him again later on so that he would understand if I was to drop this - this is a big thing as I just reignited my passion again.
i feel like I am in mourning/grieving. He said why can't it be enough for me when he said 'he wasn't comfortable with this'.
His view is that
- he isn't comfortable with me 'grinding'on other men and
- he won't look after our baby when im out doing these dance blocks dancing with strangers.
- he said ive gone from doing classes to doing these big dance sessions.
- he says that he doesn't want to invite things to happen into our lives.
- what is going to happen in two years
I've tried to talk to him and explain that yes while there is maybe some sleazy guys. Primarily everyone just loves dancing and wants to practice.
He said would i be okay if on other foot and i said absolutely. I would be more than happy if he came with me. there are married couples and couples that go separately. and then he justified it by saying I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about us.
I've also explained that bachata isn't really that close as he thinks it is more knee to knee at this learning stage and perhaps a hair comb which is done in salsa anyway. He got angry again and said that he has seen his friends do it and it is close!
i feel like he has punched me in the gut when he said "í dont know why we stopped dancing before (when we did try the classes) and now its too hard because we have a baby. We stopped because he didn't like it and it was a chore for him.
i have tried to compromise and said - okay when we are closer to our parents (as we are moving in 8 months) - will he do classes with me then as i would love that he come with me or is this just something to say to appease me for now.
he then said - ïf i really want to do it - (like again it was a chore not because he wanted to). but he doesn't know how he will respond and doesn't think he can handle seeing me dance with another guy. he said what if he was dancing with another girl and i said - yes if it was salsa/bachata setting as oppose to a club, i will be fine with it as it is the dance. He still thinks that we are inviting something sinister into our lives. He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprise he would feel that let alone say that).
I dont know what to do. i just feel like im in mourning and im making the same mistake again. I said this to him and he said Ï told you from the beginning that i wans't comfortable with this. Basically - its my fault for lighting the flame when he told me he wasn't comfortable with me going .
He is usually so trusting as he is always fine with me going out dancing with my girlfriends until the early morning. His close family member almost cheated on her husband 4 months back and that really floored my husband so i know this may has also made him extra insecure.
i do recognize that a lot of partners would not be comfortable with there partners dancing but thats why i was feeling so great and balanced as i had a trusting husband who let me do something i really loved.
If i was to give us salsa/bachata again i want him to recognize what a big sacrifice this was and not a done deal because he said so. His logic is why am i giving this up for him and not for myself and our family as i am now a wife and mother.
i don't want to be a cliche and say if something was to happen with the relationship in the future, kick myself and know that i didn't continue to dance salsa and bachata for someone.
I guess my question after the long rant (thank you for reading) is - is it fair enough for my husband to ask me me to stop doing salsa and bachata?
Is there a way for me to feel more better about giving it up and being resentful? Not by taking another hobby - but having my husband recognize that this is a big deal.
TL:DR
In relationship for 13 years+. stopped dancing early on for relationship and have always regretted it. Started again after having a baby but husband wants me to stop. feel like i am in mourning or grieving this part of me as it really gave me back my spark and made me feel like an individual and not a wife or a mother.
Double standard much?
Giphy
Your husband is staying out multiple times a week drinking (and doing god knows what) till 3am while you're at home with a baby and is getting mad that you're dancing
For all you know he could be cheating on you, grinding up against girls, insert whatever paranoia he applies to you here. And yet he's allowed to do that.
Do you hear that? It's the sound of a double standard smacking you in the face.
The husband is desperate for control, and it's dangerous.
Giphy
OP, do not give up on your dream of dancing and having a perfectly normal and healthy social and active life that you need for your own emotional health. Do not end up like my mother, who is now in her late 60s and is brainwashed but also very aware of how much she missed out on and has become quite bitter.
My dad did the exact same thing to my mom. Whined, bitched and moaned and made her feel terribly guilty whenever she wanted to engage in a harmless, normal hobby that made him insecure. Whined when she joined a gym, so she joined an all female gym. He then complained and whined that the aerobics teacher was male, so my mom stopped those dance classes she loved. Then he obsessed that "lesbians in the female gym" just HAD to be checking my mom out because she was looking prettier and fitter.
He controlled her life. It was awful and she caved. Every single time she wanted to better herself he was terrified she'd get too confident and leave him. She had no intentions of leaving him, zero history of flirting or cheating, 100% loyal. Same when she wanted to take community college classes. He was so negative and whined about her not being home two nights a week for a few hours so she caved and quit.
He ended up building her a goddamn home gym with heavy blinds on the windows. And she has holed herself up in that gym. No more dance classes. He's isolated her from her fun, outgoing female friends. I'm talking about responsible, married women who had interesting, active lives, most with young kids, who got together for coffee once or twice a week. That intimidated him too.
I asked her many times why she was just caving to his insecurities. Reminded her that she was missing out on what she loved, on the dancing and socializing that was necessary for her and her character, just because he has crazy, unfounded, out of control insecurities.
She told me (with an utterly broken look) "when you really love someone, you learn to make sacrifices." That's how she justified it in her mind. (She also tried using this manipulative tactic on me when I became an independent adult and bought my own motorcycle, or dated a guy they didn't like, or didn't have a religious wedding, etc.)
You realize his behavior will only get worse, right? That this all stems from his deep insecurities. Please do not end up like my mom. She told me he was so impossible to deal with. Never was there a threat of violence, just emotionally exhausting, manipulative complaining, rule-setting, acting hurt that she "needed" to do these things", questioned why she wanted to dance and made her feel like she was doing something wrong, all of which is emotionally abusive behavior. Over the years she morphed into two personalities - the little girl, obedient personality when around him, and the outgoing, strong woman when he's not around. Its obvious to everyone.
Get to couple's therapy. Do it for your marriage, for you and for your kids. Make no mistake - your husband will have those same insecurities as your kid gets older. Once your child starts developing their personality and character and is no longer the kid that worships everything their parents do, your husband is going to lose it again and get unreasonably controlling with the kid.
This can ruin relationships and families. My dad let my brother do whatever he wanted, but as the female the rules were different and I was expected to be some nun. My mother became insanely jealous of me when I started up ballet as a kid and made me quit pointe the day after my first class (I will never forget the look of rage on her face when I was getting fitted for pointe shoes. Not until I was an adult did it click that she was angry because that had always been her dream but she let it go.) My mother was jealous that I put my foot down and insisted on doing what I wanted, such as riding a motorcycle, which was another one of her secret dreams she didn't even dare mention to him as she knew his reaction would be crazy. So, when I did those activities, she resented me and it fucked up our relationship for life.
After decades of my mom obeying my dad and normalizing his behavior, he also could not accept that I would perhaps have different desires or ideas for my life. My brother, who had a free pass for everything, thinks controlling a woman is normal. My mother is broken and does nothing she loves and has no friends. And I have no contact with my family, as I could no longer bear the screaming and guilt trips that I was a selfish daughter for not doing what my parents wanted.
I know it sounds dramatic. But get this insecurity of his under control now while you still can. He also needs to wake the f*ck up and start being a parent, not a resentful babysitter.
Maybe a compromise can be reached?
Giphy
I dance bachata and salsa (and another WAY more sensual dance), and I love it.
It is not fair of your husband to ask you to stop entirely, and honestly he does not come off well at all in this post. A loving husband would have recognized that this brings you joy, and would be happy you've found something that gives you such a spark, and would've been DYING to find compromises.
So in case he's just a bit unimaginative, I want to give you some compromises I've seen a number of dancer/non-dancers couples used and that have worked.
1) You only do salsa, and sit out ALL the bachata songs.
2) You only do salsa, and sit out all the *sensual*-style bachata songs (so you'd dance dominican style or other styles of bachata, which are fast & more like salsa in terms of how much physical contact there is, nothing that looks grinding ish).
3) You start a different type of social dance altogether. West Coast Swing is pretty awesome, by the way.
4) You both set a *reasonable* curfew that is CLEAR, allows you to get at least 2 hours of social dancing in, and no guilt-tripping allowed for sticking to the curfew. This is YOUR time.
If NONE of these options work for him, or he doesn't seem eager to find another compromise, then it's not an issue with the dance.
If you tell him this hobby makes you feel alive and more like yourself, and this is his reaction...? The issue is he is so insecure and so eager to preserve his own way of life that he's willing to keep you miserable and homebound. The issue is he is selfish and doesn't care much about your happiness... I'm sorry. And I swear to you, if he is a guy like this, you'll start noticing other ways in which he just doesn't even think about your needs/time/decisions as he goes about his life. Is he always late? Does he seem to still think of your lives as his life/your life? Are you guys a team or are you always having to nag/negotiate etc.?
There is no way for you to give up dancing completely, without you feeling like he's sucked the life out of you, because that is precisely what he is doing.
Dancing doesn't have to be about sex.
Giphy
I find it interesting that it would only be when she goes dancing that she would be inclined to cheat... If she wanted to cheat there are easier ways than practicing your dance moves. I have seen more hook ups while out drinking with friends till 3am than out dancing batchata/salsa.
But I do understand the feeling when the other person doesn't like or enjoys this hobby. They don't understand that we don't focus on the sexual at all. In fact it is the last thing on our mind.
With that being said. There are a lot of social gathering or social dancing that isn't necessarily happening at nightclubs. Sunday afternoon or Saturday afternoon. I've seen that in different cities. Maybe you should check it out. Often the good dancers will be there and a lot more serious dancing happens!
Hope this helps...
He needs to get over himself.
Giphy
Never let your partner limit or control what you can do in your free time. Tell him to get help for his trust and control issues, because those can get really damaging in the long term.
Establish boundaries and stick to them.
Giphy
This man is selfish and controlling. If you cave, he will not be satisfied; he'll find something else to take from you, and something else. Controlling people look for new things to control. Selfish people are never satisfied with what they have. You can either become smaller and smaller and smaller and still never be small enough for him, or you can draw your boundaries now.
I vote the latter, way more healthy.
You have a right to dance.
Giphy
As a person heavily involved in social dance, I say you keep on dacning. I've known people who gave up dance for their partners, and they've all regretted it.
You very clearly don't want to give it up.
i feel like this is happening again (stopping classes) and i will regret this. i know i will.
So Say "No."
He said that he is feeling really insecure (which I was pretty surprise he would feel that let alone say that).
Why are your husband's feelings of insecurity more important to you than your right to engage in social dance?
Stop prioritizing his nonsense and make it clear that he needs to get past his insecurity. The method needs to respect your right to dance.
Don't accept his nonsense.
Giphy
It's messed up that you've accepted the fact that he yells at you.
Especially because he's clearly in the wrong.
For many childhood memories are overrun by living nightmares.
Yes, children are resilient, but that doesn't mean that the things we see as babes don't follow us forever.
The horrors of the world are no stranger to the young.
Redditor -2sweetcaramel- wanted to see who was willing to share about the worst things we've seen as kids, so they asked:
"What’s the creepiest thing you saw as a kid?"
Serious Danger
"Me and my best friend would explore the drainage tunnels under the Vegas area where we grew up. These were miles long and it was always really cool down there so it was a good way to escape the heat of our scorching hot summers. We went into this one that goes under the Fiesta casino and found a camp with a bunch of homeless people."
"Mind you we are like 11 years old lol. And we just kept going like it was nothing. It wasn’t scary then but when I look back at it we could have been in some serious danger. Our parents had no idea we did this or where we were and we had no cellphones. We could have been kidnapped and never have been found."
oofboof2020
Waiting for Food
"I was at a portillos once when I was 12 and I was waiting with my little brother at a booth while my parents got our food. This guy was standing with his tray kind of watching me then after a couple of minutes he started to walk over really fast not breaking eye contact with me."
"He was 2 feet from the table and my dad came out of nowhere and scared the s**t out of him. He looked so surprised and just said he wanted to see if I’d get scared or not. He left his tray full of food near the door and left. My folks reported him but we never went to that location again since we found a better one closer to home."
nowhereboy1964
Captain Hobo to the Rescue
"When I was a pretty young teen, my friends and I were horsing around in San Francisco and started hanging out to smoke with some homeless guys. Another homeless dude came up and began aggressively trying to shake us down for anything (money, smokes, a ride, drugs- all of it) and wouldn’t take no for an answer."
"We got in over our heads and could tell this guy was now riling the other 2 guys up and they were acting like they wanted to jump us. Some grandfather-looking old homeless man appeared out of nowhere and yelled at us to get the f**k out of here- nice kids like us don’t belong down here at this hour!!"
"Captain Hobo saved our lives that night. My parents sincerely thought we were at a mall all day lol."
FartAttack911
Survival
tsunami GIF
Giphy
"I was 7 and survived the 2004 tsunami in Thailand. Witnessed the wave rise way above the already massive palm trees (approx. 40ft?) and my family and I watched/heard the wave crash into the ground from a rooftop."
faithfulpoo
These Tsunami stories are just tragic.
On the Sand
Scared The Launch GIF by CTV
Giphy
"We were a group of kids who went to swim in a local lake. And there was a dead body on the beach with their hands raised and their legs bent unnaturally that local police just took out of the same lake. I've never put my foot in these waters again."
oyloff
Be Clever
"I was walking to school and I was about 5 or 6 years old and some guy pulled up beside me in his car and asked if I would get in. He also offered me sweets to do so. I said no. The creepy bit was when he calmly said ‘clever boy’ to me, then drove off. I’ve never even told my parents or anyone else about this as it would most likely freak them out."
OstneyPiz
Bad Jokes
"Dad's side of the family pranked me by burying a fake body on our back property and had me dig it up to find valuables. Was only allowed to use a lantern for light. They stuffed old clothes with chicken bones. Sheetrock mud where the head was... Random fake jewelry as the treasures... I was like maybe 10 or 11.. I remember digging up the boot first and started gagging because it became real at that point."
Alegan239
YOU
Who Are You Reaction GIF by MOODMAN
Giphy
"Woke up to find my little brother staring at me in the dark, asking, Are you really you?"
PrettyLola2004
Siblings can really be a bunch of creepers.
No one should talk to others in the dark though.
Not all pet owners have the same relationship with their pets.
While anyone who decides to become a pet owner, or pet parent as some say, love their pets equally, some never ever let them leave their side.
Taking their pet with them to work, running errands, even on vacations.
Many pet parents even allow their pets to share their bed with them when going to sleep.
For others though, this is where a line is finally drawn.
Redditor Piggythelavasurfer was curious to hear whether pet owners allowed their pets to share their bed with them, as well as the reasons why they do/don't, leading them to ask:
"Do you let your pet sleep in your bed? Why/why not?"
The Tiny Issue Of Water...
"Absolutely not."
"I have fish."- Senior-Meal3649
Everyone Gets Lonely Eventually...
"I adopted an eleven year old cat the day before Halloween."
"She has mostly lived in my closet since I got her, and she hasn’t been too interested in coming out."
"Last night, she came out of my closet and jumped up on my bed, and crawled under my covers and curled up by my feet to sleep."
"I was so happy!"- YellowBeastJeep
The Comforting Reminder That You're Not Alone...
"I recently lost my Greyhound but I used to let him sleep on my bed with me."
"The company was nice and he was no trouble to have on my bed."- HoodedMenace3
Hungry Cookie GIF by De Graafschap Dierenartsen
Giphy
What Do You Mean Allow?
"I have no choice."
"She is a cat, cats do whatever they want."- Small_cat1412
"He lets me sleep in my bed."- Poorly-Drawn-Beagle
Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way
"I carry my old boy upstairs to bed every night."- worst_in_show
Hug GIF by The BarkPost
Giphy
Who Needs An Alarm Clock?
"I let my two cats sleep with me."
"They're so full of love and just want cuddles all the time."
"And so do I."
"We've all developed a lil routine."
"Get to bed, oldest sleeps on my feet to keep them warm, youngest lies in my arm while I lie on my side (she the little spoon), then when I snooze my alarm for work in the morning the youngest paws at my face and meeps loudly to wake me up."- GhostofaFlea_
Whose Bed Is It Anyway?
"Yes."
"They're also kind enough to let me squeeze into whatever space they've left for me."
"Although I do get a few dirty looks off them."- Therealkaylor
"I found this tiny kitten screaming her head off under a car."
"Would not come out."
"Got some food and some water in dishes."
"I stood by the tire so she couldn't see my feet."
"She got curious about the food and water and started gobbling it down."
"I thought she would bolt when I squatted down."
"She was too busy eating."
"I grabbed her by the nape of the neck and all four legs went straight out and she tried to scratch me to death."
"I got her in the door and tossed her toward the couch."
"She ricocheted off the couch as if she was a ping pong off a table and I lost sight of her."
"I put out food and water and a sandbox and did not see that kitten for three days."
"On the third day, I came home and she was on my bed pillow."
"I thought she would bolt when I came near, but she didn't."
"I wanted to sleep so I tried to scoot her little butt off my pillow."
"She would not go."
"I put my head down to sleep and that is the way it was from then on."
"She ran the roost."- Logical_Cherry_7588
sleepy kitten GIF
Giphy
Sleeping Is A Prerequisite...
"No, he's a cat and he cannot keep still during the night."
"He walks across the headboard, opens the closet doors, jumps into the windows and rustles the blinds, etc."
"If he would sleep he could stay, but alas, he's a ramblin' man."- Spong_Durnflungle
Saying No Just Isn't An Option...
"'Let'."
"Lol."
"It's a cat's world and I'm happy to be on her good side."- milaren
Felines Only!
"The cat does, the dog doesn't and the horse certainly does not either."- Xcrowzz
Angry Tom And Jerry GIF by Boomerang Official
Giphy
Is That My Hair On That Pillow?
"My dog is perfect."
"She comes up, cuddles til we start to fall asleep, then gets down to sleep on her bed so she doesn't get too hot."
"Jumps back up in the early morning for wake up cuddles."
"The hair everywhere is the only downside but she is so cozy, what can you do."- HoodieWinchester
It is easy to understand how some people are able to fall asleep more easily knowing their friend and protector is there, in bed, with them.
Though we can't blame others who don't want to run the risk of being scratched or bitten in the middle of the night either...