Nobody wants to die alone. That is one of life's more basic truths. We all hope there is going to be a familiar hand to hold and a pair of eyes that witnessed our lives looking into us as we drift off to meet our maker. That feels like the basics of marriage. Well that and a permanent booty call.
That's why a lot of people turn to a trusted friend to maybe one day be a love interest. It's always good to have a fail-safe and a back up. And the older you get the more the chase becomes too much run through, so why not make it easy? It's like... "hey so and so... you wanna get hitched by this date, in case?"
BAM! Instant I Do.
Redditor u/shansnewone wanted the betrothed out there to tell us about their relationship successes and fails, by asking:
Couples who got married on the basis: "if we're both not married by (x) years old, we'll marry each other" how did things work out?
I am out of options. Unless all of my prior fail safes current relationships don't pan out, I'm going to the grave alone. I'm too tired to look, or too lazy. Potato/potatoe... let's see who has better luck.
Decades Laterjust married love GIFGiphy
"Yep, worked out pretty well. We've known each other for close to 30 years now and jokingly said something similar years ago. Anyway, we got married almost 6 years ago and pretty happy with the situation."
"We were best friends for a long time in high school, I was really into her but the feeling wasn't mutual. I told her if we were single 5 years from now I could see us getting together and getting married. I moved across the country and we mostly lost touch for a couple years, but then almost exactly five years after I'd said that, we reconnected and I told here I was miserable where I was."
"She had just moved to a new city, I moved in with her, and we got together pretty quick. In two weeks, that'll have been six years ago. We just bought a house and our daughter's first birthday is next month. It was rocky at first, since we were both escaping miserable situations and living in a studio apartment, but everything worked out and I live with my best friend."
She said yes...
"Funny enough, there was a girl I liked in High School, but I was 17 and she was 15. She asked me out but I said no because I just got a girlfriend, but I was interested in her and I told her. She said if I'm single by the time I'm 25, can we get married? I was like yeah sure. I asked her when she was 25 if she was single. She said yes. Reminded her about our agreement and she said "I'm only really dating girls right now." So yeah."
Jumped the gun a little...
"I made this arrangement with my best friend from college. We spent so much time together, people thought we were dating and it led to some strife in many of my possible relationships because they saw her as a threat. But that wasn't the nature of our relationship. Strictly friends, I had interest in her one time but was quickly friendzoned and didn't try to make any advances. She never held interest in me."
"One night, close to the end of college, we went out and grabbed some beer at a local place and were transparent that we could see ourselves getting married to one another. We made an agreement that if, by the age of 30 pr 35 (I can't remember now), we were both single, we would get married. After college, we went our separate ways—I continued with school, she got a job."
"We talked inconsistently (maybe once every few months?) for about 2 years. I happened to be in her city one day in 2020 and we grabbed coffee. We talked a little more after that, then things REALLY picked up here in the last few months. We're engaged, getting married in March. Jumped the gun a little, but dammit this is the best decision and relationship I've ever been in."
In the End...This Is Absolutely Ridiculous Mandy Moore GIF by This Is UsGiphy
"Couple I knew both thought very highly of themselves and thought they could do better than the other person. They're now together and miserable."
Well those sound pleasant enough. Well, most of them do. But hey, when you gotta go with what's in front of you, you can't beg. Maybe others had it better.
Cheers to Us...Season 17 Cheers GIF by The BacheloretteGiphy
"Had an agreement. Both were married far before the date. Did however go out for drinks to celebrate the fact that we were both happily married!"
"I know a couple who were best friends but dating other people for about 15 years. No one was surprised when they finally started dating and got married, but they didn't have an agreement like you mention. They just finally got over the idea that love had to start with romance rather than friendship."
What happens... happens...
"My best friend dated this chick through high school. They broke up to go to separate colleges, dated other people obviously. Got back in town after graduating, got back together, got married. That was like 19 years and 3 kids ago. He was telling me they never would've lasted a year if they didn't separate for the 4 years of college."
This is a date?!
"My husband and I were friends. I said ,"if you don't have a date on Valentine's Day, why don't you come over and we can drink/ hang out." ( it was senior year of college… this was everyone's past time on non football days or club nights) Valentines came, and we both had nothing to do. He came over with beer AND yellow/red flowers."
"He offered to take me to dinner. I turned around and looked at my roommate like," huh?! Ooohhhhh... This is a date?!" I accepted the flowers and the 6 pack, got changed and 3 days later I just knew he was the one I wanted to annoy for a lifetime. We were swimming in the Jupiter inlet and I said "I think we should get married" he said "Yep. Sounds like a plan."
"That's all it took… friends + valentines + trajectory change = 2 kids, 2 careers, 6 moves, 1 serous illness. We survived together as a team, and It will be 25 years together in February. Man, I got it right and I couldn't even think of anyone better a fit for me. It's been AWESOME!!!"
Let's Party...Marriage Love GIFGiphy
"In my case i had good friend studying together abroad who had boyfriend."
"I told her to call me when she's free. Two years later she came to work to my city she was already free. She called me and we went to a party where after an hour or two we decided to be together and we are for 10 years."
I'm comforted by a lot of this. Maybe I'll meet some new back ups. And then love will overcome. Anybody free for a chat? ;)
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When I was ten, twenty even, I remember having so many friends Christmas would drive me to bankruptcy. Friends at work, friends at school, friends in the neighborhood; they were everywhere.
I couldn't even define the feeling of loneliness until I was almost 30. And knowing loneliness isn't actually a bad thing, more people should know that sooner rather than later. Eventually my friend pool dwindled, as does everyone's.
You realize quickly that hanging around on the monkey bars isn't an efficient way to meet new people when you're 40. And monkey bars themselves are a detriment to your back.
It isn't always easy to go out and meet new people, but you have to try. So let's compare strategies.
Redditor u/zehlewe wanted to meet some new people for platonic fun, by asking:
How the hell do you make new friends as an adult?
I myself try to take new classes. I take acting, writing and cardio classes. Well I was, then COVID happened. So my strategy has been on hold for a bit. And I hate ZOOM classes.
Stand by...Season 5 Thanksgiving GIF by FriendsGiphy
"Stand near an extrovert and hope they adopt you."
"Find a group even if online (since it is a lot tricky going out now). I joined a forum for parenting because I didn't have friends who were parents and I didn't want to talk to relatives about my worries. Apparently, it is not just me looking to find friends! Not everyone became my friend but having at least 1 who I can really trust made a lot of difference."
Things to Do
"Hobbies. Pursue them and find a local venue for it. Then just talk to people there doing what you're doing."
"Hobbies! This is the big one. I got into Warhammer for a few months before covid and ended up gaining a few friends. Hopefully I get back to the game store after work calms down. I also started flying last year during covid. The flying club has a ton of cool people. My flight instructor is same generation as I am and we click pretty well. And old farts at airports love to chat. I made more friends last year than I did in the last 5."
'I'm here to do something'
"Regular accidental contact. Initially this sounds a little like stalking, so I'm going to have to explain a little. You made friends at school/college because you turned up to places to do 'something'. The people that were there were secondary to your main goal or task. Basically you turned up to maths every day and so did the dude sitting 3 seats away. This is the regular accidental contact."
"As an adult, this only really happens at work and the age differences can be problematic. This is why people suggest joining sports teams or clubs that meet on a regular basis. You meet up to 'generic sport' and of the 15-20 other people that do there might be 5 that are potential friends. The non-threatening nature of 'I'm here to do something' is basically an excuse to have the regular contact where you find out more about these people and can develop a friendship."
"Since this friendship business requires regular contact, places like bars are often pretty poor - unless you are one of the regulars. Sports, Hobby clubs, book groups are all the sort of places that replace the classroom of yesterday. Adult life makes most of your regular tasks revolve around a small group of people (workmates/family/flatmates), you need to find regular contact groups outside that subset."
"Lay down on the ground, and pretend to be dying. When people start to circle around you in hope of taking your stuff, sit up and start telling them cool facts about frogs. Bam, friendship!"
I love causing scenes. That last bit would be fun and definitely memorable. Who doesn't love someone with a flare for a bit of drama? The definition of extroverts. And we're fun.
travel our own paths...Fuck You Season 4 GIF by FriendsGiphy
"I'm 35 and my friends have dwindled down to my husband of 16 years. Who just recently told me he feels we want different things in life and should "travel our own paths. FML."
"Work and hobbies usually work. I just stay friendly, joke a lot, ask plenty of questions. I find people really open up when they don't feel judged and they feel you are enthusiastically listening to them. Oftentimes as an adult, other adults aren't "actively" listening to your tales because they're so wrapped up in their own lives."
"If you listen first, really take time to get to know them and have a good time (joke) they generally start reciprocating pretty quickly. Thats how I get along with people. Actual long term adult friends are hard to come by. Always seems like if you aren't convenient, they aren't going 5o make time for you. Ive got a couple now that I can call anytime though."
These Conspiracy Theories Are Easy to Debunk | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
"It's very difficult . You have to be committed to finding friends. It doesn't really happen naturally anymore. I'm so busy these days that even when I make a new friend I don't really have time that I am willing to spend with them. I use my limited free time to be with my wife, relax and finish projects around the house. Scheduling time with friends almost feels forced, like an additional errand lol."
Be Sporty Spice
"Recreational/leisure sports leagues."
"Absolutely no one cares if you're good, no one cares if you mess up, the main objective is to include people who are interested. Its a fun way of getting exercise & you can meet an absolutely vast array of people regardless which sport - slow pitch softball, pick up basketball, flag football, pick up soccer, bowling, billiards, etc. Doesn't matter, people will always be willing to help & its a fun bonding experience shared with random people, you'd be surprised how many people I met through this stuff."
ChatterHappy Season 5 GIF by FriendsGiphy
"Talk to people, I have a few gym friends that I made cause I just asked about their routines and now we chat and workout together sometimes."
It was pool...
"One of the longest maintained friendships from college that I have was someone I met from being "there to do something." It was pool. I was there to play pool and so was he, like clockwork. We would talk and chat and play a lot of pool month to month and year to year, never changing. After a few months we were friends and I'm still friends to this day."
"Same with a guy from math class. we became friends because we both had the same ugly weird shoes (gray and yellow color combo just made no sense lol) but we had multiple math classes together. He actually got me the high paying job I have today and would be nowhere without him. Regular accidental contact is a blessing."
"I'm definitely an introvert with a dash of social anxiety. My roommate and best friend in college was a huge extrovert. I went to so many parties, bars, events and made tons of friends that I probably never would have otherwise if he didn't drag me along with him. I also married an extrovert so keeping the theme alive!"
Later in Life
"I've probably got more friends as an adult in my 30s than I ever did in my early 20s and teens. I do exactly the same, just have a genuine interest in people and getting to know them, so long as they aren't me then I find them fascinating. Even if you don't agree with all their views it doesn't really matter."
"I agree with being positive and jokey as much as can be, I think a lot of people are looking for someone to offload on and it can be a lot to take in for anyone who isn't prepared. If you keep it fun and enjoyable though I think it creates a bond where they will want to be supportive comes later."
"One thing I notice too is I have a weird thing for faces and details about people, I used to have to pretend I didn't remember people when I was young because some classmates told me it was creepy. Now though I find if I recognize people and ask about an event or hobby they told me about, then they normally are fairly happy to chat."
Knocking PinsSport Lol GIF by TikTok FranceGiphy
"Join a bowling league. It's easier to make friends with a bowling league because you see these people weekly. I've made a lot of good friends through bowling. They might be weird friends, but they'll be fun."
25% success rate...
"Dude. I've realised. As an adult you have to say "you are my friend now". We are all so unsure of if someone is a friend. I legit say "bruh. We are friends now." 25% success rate. Mostly I'm bad at texting so i lose out on friends. Still, every 4 people you make friends with, 1 sticks. That's a lot."
"Don't compare your adult friendships to adolescent friendships. They will be different because you are different, your commitments are different, priorities etc. Like when I was late teens early 20s if a close friend needed help I'd drop what I was doing and give them a ride, help them move, finish a project etc. we were like that for each other. Can't do that now. In part this is because I have my own family, 3 other people that depend on me for things."
"After they're all good, then there's time for friends. In a few years it'll just be one other person mostly as my kids grow up and start families of their own. I suspect that then friendships will change again and be more similar to those early almost familial bonds I made. I think media has built up unrealistic expectations of what friendships can be (well for most of us anyways)."
"Also you may not fully realize it at the time but if you want to have those storied, long term, since grade school sort of friendships you have to pretty much not move away from your hometown. Sounds kinda duhhh... but if your goal is to get outta dodge you will lose touch with those still in dodge and while you may be able to pick up where you left off later, it's still not the same because you left off."
"Met my two best adult friends when we were apartment neighbors. I have a city garden next to a nice person every summer and we've become friends. This winter i will mall walk and might meet someone. It seems to me that you have to routinely be in close proximity to someone and eventually greetings become conversations."
"I have this same question, but as a "homeschool" kid. Never had any friends in my life, and now I'm nearing adult, never had any dates or experience, never had any friends making experience, never had any fun in my childhood, and now I figure out adults have hard times making friends too?? Imma be single and lonely forever y'all..."
"I usually find people at work that I vibe with. I also add random people on facebook who seem interesting. Most of the time it doesn't lead to anything. On rare occasion it leads to friends for life, including one Colorado bartender who has told me I get free drinks for life if I'm ever at any bar he's tending. I'm not a heavy drinker and I live on the opposite side of the country, but it's the little things like that which matter most to me."
All you can do is try. Go say hi to a stranger, in a safe setting of course. If it doesn't workout, it wasn't meant to be. Lead with a smile and maybe a song. Something from Lady Gaga perhaps.
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As we grow older, we may find our relationships with people in our lives have evolved drastically.
There are usually no hard feelings when distance and life experience test the endurance of our friendships.
But, sometimes, it's time to cut our losses.
Curious to hear how people's friendships were deliberately cut short, Redditor ionlyhaveme asked:
"What ended your relationship with your best friend?"
The following people realized their friends' conniving and manipulative ways were no longer worth their time.
"Their negative as hell attitude towards EVERYTHING including pretty innocuous, normal problems."
"I couldnt handle how bitter they had become...it was toxic."
Lies And More Lies
"She made up a story about being pregnant by rape, being addicted to pain killers, and then miscarrying said pregnancy. also she said she wanted my boyfriend and manipulated me into feeling guilty for being with him. she was dating someone else at the time. she admitted she was lying about everything in order to 'test my friendship'. I walked out that day."
"He cheated on his girlfriend, who I was close friends with before I ever met him, multiple times with multiple girls and was then bragging about it. So I told her."
Romance complicates things. These Redditors can attest to that.
The Girl Whose Heart Belonged To Someone Else
"The girl he liked told him she liked me. That was the start of it. He just got distant after that happened. Then he got together with another girl who convinced him to stop hanging out with the rest of us and now we never hear from him."
Love In The Equation
"I had Feelings for him. He knew. After 4 years I couldn't torture myself anymore and ended the friendship. 3 months after that he claimed he always loved me. Oof."
"I had my first 'girlfriend' when I was 17. I was a super awkward kid (and a f'king a**hole) who had never even kissed a girl, and she was my first. She was a friend of my best friend who set us up as dates for junior prom. Well, we only 'dated' briefly, I was completely out of my depth, and she broke up with me after less than two months. About 2 months later, she was dating my best friend who set us up. Well, he texted me about it afterwards to ask if I was ok with it, and I lied and said I was.
As I said, first 'love' and all that, awkward teenage drama bullsh*t. Well, I bottled it up until the night before graduation almost a year later, I went to a baseball game with a few friends, but without my 'best friend', and I for whatever reason decided that that was the perfect time to tear him apart via text message. I went off, called him a bunch of horrific sh*t, and called him a p**sy for not even responding. An overwhelming feeling of 'what the f'k have I done?' washed over me. Well, graduation happens, he was crying when I saw him and said nothing to him. That night, my 'ex' texted me, and I brilliantly doubled down. Well, eventually a year or two passed and we patched things up, but we agreed that we would never really be friends again. I run into him once every few years and we are cordial. This was over a decade ago. Easily in the top three biggest regrets of my life."
A friend doesn't have to necessarily harm you personally in order for you to unfriend them. Their actions alone can speak for themselves.
"He stole $300,000 from the company we both worked. It was over a period of time and I'm the one that figured it out."
"I found out he regularly beat up his girlfriend."
The One Who Went To Prison
"My best friend went to prison and came out a nazi. I'm not equipped to deprogram that and can't be around that."
A lot of Redditors also mentioned time was a common factor resulting in friends cutting each other off.
When neither person is willing to make an effort to reach out to the other, both are complicit in the demise of that friendship.
I have friends with whom I can pick up right where we left off, no matter how much time has passed.
Sure, life gets in the way, but those are the friendships I should make an effort to hold on to.
The moral of the thread is, if you have that one person in your life you think of fondly but fell out of touch with, it's never too late to reach out to them.
Why wonder what they're up to when you can easily DM or text them, or better yet, give them a random call. Life is short.
Fake friends can really be the worst. They're the kind of people who will use someone to gain something for themselves. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's for social gain.
But in the moment, it can be hard to spot those fake friends until they've been cut off from your life entirely. Whether they stopped responding to texts, hung out without you, or only included you to gain what they wanted, it can hurt just as bad.
One Redditor wanted to know what the tipping point for those fake friends was.
Redditor VexAndStuff asked:
"When did you realize your 'friends' were actually fake friends?"
Get ready for some sad but true realizations.
The group chat.
"Finding out they have an inner-circle group chat but I'm the only one not in it."
"Same. I found out that they had two groups- one with me and one without. They never used the one with me though."
"This is the worst feeling. When I was in my mid-twenties, I worked a job where four of us had the same position. The four of us did everything together. Then I made a mistake, and I apologized for it. But one of them just could not seem to forgive me, and aggressively isolated me from the group. I remember how sad it was to discover that they had a whole group chat that I wasn't included in, and had done all these social things without me."
"I've always been lucky to have a lot of friends, and I figured out after a while that these people weren't going to be it for me. So I stepped away from those friendships and invested in my actual friendships. It still makes me mad looking back, though."
Maybe it wasn't for the reason @lovinyourscene thought.
"There always ends up being a reason to exclude certain people in a friend group at certain times. I have a text chat with certain people because some of us like valorant, some of us started critical role, some of us play Minecraft, etc. It can be a courtesy to exclude people."
"For any given social group there will be roughly as many text groups as members of the group, each excluding one person."
"Yeah, for every group chat there is a mini group chat without all the annoying people. If you don't believe it, then I've got some bad news for you."
"This thread is making me less annoyed at how many tiny Venn Diagram group chats I'm in."
"And it makes me feel better about my friends because we don't use the smaller ones to talk shit about our other friends."
"When my phone got stolen and I lost their phone numbers. Mine stayed the same, but we just never talked again."
"When my Apple account got compromised and I lost my backup when I changed phones I lost all of my numbers. I haven't gotten a text or call from any of my friends since. That was 5 years ago."
"I quit going on FB months ago. Only 1 person reached out to me and asked if everything was OK and how I was doing. THAT one person is a true friend."
"Oh no. I think I might have fake relatives."
But what is a 'friend' anyways?
"How do you even begin to consider people like that your friends? like how is your perception so skewed to even think that these people are your friends? I'm sorry if I sound mean I'm just trying to understand if there was really a 'moment' or if there were signs before that."
"A lot of people consider friendly acquaintances their 'friends.' I'm the opposite and have a tough time calling anyone a friend who isn't a close/intimate friend."
"Friend is a very stretchy word."
"I think people see other people as friends while that other person sees them as merely an acquaintance or a 'good acquaintance.'"
"Years ago, a man became well known and famous rather quickly. Once he became well known and famous everybody around him began professing their friendship to him. To find out who his friends really were, one night he drove out into the middle of nowhere where he knew a payphone was and started calling everyone who said they were his friend. He told them his car had broken down. The people who got up out of a warm bed in the middle of the night to go out into the middle of nowhere and help him with his broken down car, those were the people whom he counted as friends. everyone else was just a good acquaintance."
"This happened in the early 70's so no cell phones. My point is is that there are ways to tell if someone thinks of you as a friend or an acquaintance. Have a good day."
Invited to the party but not the ceremony.
"I was invited to the bachelorette party for one of the friends in this group. While at the party, I figured out that I was the only person not invited to the wedding. I had been invited to the party because they needed another person to chip in for expenses."
"It's amazing what people will do to get what they want because they 'deserve' a perfect wedding experience."
"My ex did that sh*t; would boggle my mind every time."
"She'd plan an event for 12 people and then invite everyone she wanted there. If anyone wasn't available or would bail, she'd start inviting people she wouldn't want to hang out with. She'd rather invite people she didnt like than scaling back the event."
"And then the night before I was told the event was canceled --- what actually happened is one of their friends who previously could not make it suddenly could go so they invited him and dumped me."
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"Apparently I didn't realize I was on a different tier of friendship with my so called friend. My friend was getting married and I didn't get an invite, which was fine since her wedding was a destination wedding in a different country.
I attended a sleepover party, which she hosted. There was about 9 girls there in total. They kept talking about the kick ass bachelorette party and then started showing photos of the crazy party. I realized I was the only one not invited. Made me feel kind of crummy."
"I am a firm believer that you don't talk about a party in front of someone unless they have been invited (or unless you are willing to remedy the situation by extending an invite then and there). I would maintain that the same rules should apply here, even though the party in question already happened."
"If you're inviting them then and there, you need to make it sound like you *really mean it.* Be enthusiastic about it. Because the only thing more humiliating than not being invited to the party is when people pull the 'Oh, um, yeah, you can come too... if you want,' type of invite."
"I had a group of friends in my mid-20s that I had considered close. These were people who were going to be a part of my wedding when it eventually happened and were gonna be aunts and uncles to my future kids and our kids were gonna grow up together. Then I realized in the summer of 2014 that they didn't feel the same way about me."
"There were a bunch of little things leading up to it and a bunch of little things that happened after, but two big things were a local wedding that I wasn't invited to and an apparently kickass weekend at a cabin in the mountains that I also wasn't invited to. I was feeling depressed because of the wedding and all of the aforementioned little things and some other personal stuff going on in my life, so I had begged the organizer of the cabin if I could join."
"It was pathetic. I said that I can sleep on the floor; I can come for just one night; just anything as long as I can come over. I was told very firmly, 'No. There's no more room.' Oh yeah, my birthday was also that weekend, and literally, all of my friends that I would have asked to spend my birthday with me were already out of town or at that cabin."
"No exaggeration, for a year after these events, whenever I spent time with these 'friends', the conversation would somehow gravitate to how awesome these events were. Like during a board game night, someone would bring a board game and go, 'This is the game that we played that one night at the cabin, remember? Bob got really lucky with those dice rolls, didn't he?' and that would trigger a full-blown conversation about how awesome that weekend was. Or we'd be at a dinner and someone would go, 'Where's Frank and Lindsey?' and someone else would go, 'They're finally on their honeymoon. Man, remember the awesome wedding they had?'"
"Made me feel like sh*t."
Used for studying.
"One friend stopped replying to my texts right after we graduated from college. Like the same week we graduated. So... I was pretty much just a study buddy that they kept close to keep me helping them."
"Same thing happened to me. Was friends with so many people during college and the last 3 weeks was an unpaid work placement which we had to go back to the school to hand in our paperwork, not one of them spoke to me or would even answer me if I said something to them. Became clear that I was only valuable to them when I was helping them. Class awards had me down as 'most willing to help classmates.'"
"'most willing to help classmates'"
"This is literally a label which gets a lot of friends because it always attracts people. It can be a problem because you are always questioning every person you befriend. It is almost like you have to be extra careful because you are kind and helpful. Such is the world we are in now."
"The only positive of this is that you can quickly identify fake friends because they drift away without giving a f*ck while the real ones stay."
"This is basically all of the friends I made at various points in college. As soon as we don't see each other 3x a week, they fade away. I get they're busy but I didn't realize making lasting friendships as an adult would be so difficult."
"It is SO hard to make friends as an adult. I moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and still have zero friends. This one girl was/is trying to be friends with me but only because she wants someone to emotionally dump on. Other than that, I've had a couple 'friend dates' to meet people and they usually just stop texting back. I feel like most adults already have their friend group, and it is almost impossible to get into those."
"I wouldn't say I have fake friends but I am definitely the periphery friend. The majority of the time if there isn't enough tickets or space in the car for everyone to go do something, I'm the one who gets cut out. It doesn't bother me much but I wish they would be more mindful when talking to me about 'things we have done.' 'Remember when we went to see XXX? Wasn't that fun?' Well, no because I wasn't invited. In those situations it usually gets awkward or they say 'Hey, we would have invited you if we had the tickets, space, etc.'"
"I was recently excluded from a party where my friends got on a bus to go out of town. The 'Friend' who had the party said that they didn't invite me because 'There was not enough space on the bus.'"
"I'd rather he told me the truth as to why I wasn't invited in the first place; there were about 70 people on the bus."
"I mean at that point, if you're not making the top 70, I think you can say they're not your friends (fake or otherwise)."
"I also experienced this with the friend group I grew up with. There was no single awful event. Just got tired of being on the periphery and being an afterthought even though when we were actually together you'd swear we were all family."
"Finally decided to just cut it all out and move on after my absolute closest friend who I've known since I was 8 handed me a wedding invitation for a wedding that was planned for a year and now it was like 2 weeks away. He tells me, "Hotel is almost fully booked so call soon if you plan on staying overnight.' That was the most I've ever felt like a complete and total afterthought. Went to the wedding for the ceremony in one last show of effort for the friendship but at this point I felt so uncomfortable and alienated I knew they just weren't my people anymore and I had to get on without them."
"My best friend since 5th grade invited me to his wedding as a guest. I expected to be a groomsman, since we basically stayed the night at each other's houses every weekend all through high school and I set him up with his wife. We were still 'close' for long distance friends too after moving to college. I'd come visit and spend the weekend with him and some mutual friends a few times a year, we did fantasy football and texted pretty frequently."
"At the wedding, the bride and groom each had about 8 people in their parties. The groom had his brother and seven friends. I didn't make the top seven. I knew pretty much everyone on the bride's side but only knew half of the guys up there with the groom. That opened my eyes a bit."
"I took a step back and analyzed our friendship after that. Realized I always texted first or made plans, always visited him but he never visited me, etc. He basically put in no effort. So I stopped texting for a while, as a test, and I haven't heard from him since. It's been about 11 years."
"How do you find 'better people' as an adult? I'm 22 and kinda spent all of my childhood and adolescence on the periphery, for a few reasons. Do you have any advice?"
"Hobby groups. Whether you want to do something geeky like magic the gathering or Dungeons and Dragons, or book clubs, or local sports leagues, or bird watching, there's literally hundreds of hobbies to get involved in."
"Just requires leaving your comfort zone once or twice a week, and after a few months you'll have a bunch of friends."
"As long as you choose hobbies you're interested in, you're gonna meet people with the same interests as you."
"I was super lonely after graduating college eight years ago. After a few months went to a game shop and started getting involved in mtg. Eight years later, I've got about eight very close friends and another ten-twelve or so who I'm happy to take road trips with, BBQ with, go out to dinner with."
"Board games are another great hobby. Not talking awful things like monopoly, there are hundreds of excellent modern board games."
These stories really hit hard. So many people cut out of their lives for not being good friends. Hopefully, by reading some of these unfortunate stories, we can take a look at the relationships in our own lives a little closer.
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Sometimes friendships don't last forever. Especially when they exist within a big group of friends--that's when things can get messy, especially when you're young. Eventually, you grow up and realize that the drama just isn't worth it, and part ways.
This seems to be a universal experience. 606hound asked:
Why did your friend group break up?
This phenomenon seems to happen the most after high school. It can be tragic, but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to be friends anymore.
It’s a lot of work to stay in touch as adults.
“Time and distance means both parties have to work at it to keep it going. There are a lot of people I thought I'd remain friends with all my life who are now people I will always remain in contact with, and if they ever want to try and reconnect, my door is open, and I hope the same offer is open to me should I want to reach out.
I think there's also something to the idea that what made us friends back then isn't who we are today. The friends I am still friends with from my high school days or my university days or my first job days have grown up with me and like me for who I am now, not who I was when we first met, and vice versa. There are people I stay in touch with for the sake of shared history who I am confident we will never make new memories together. That's okay. I care about them to the extent that I like to know they're doing okay, and that's enough for both of us.”
It’s best to avoid people like this.Tim And Eric Smile GIFGiphy
“It was three of us and we were inseparable back in high school. Then, when the girl I was crushing on started hanging out with us more, one of my friends started acting different. At first, he was going out of his way to look good in front of her and like a really good/funny guy. It was annoying. Then it moved to him lying to me and talking sh*t about me to her and other people. And finally, he started to flirt her under the thinly veiled excuse of "wrestling."
A dozen talks and all of them ending in him threatening suicide later, I told him to f*ck off and broke it off."
Gotta grow up at some point.
“Everyone was really fun as a group for the first couple years, but as we got older some grew up and others didn't. Which led to some people doing some sh*tty things to others in the group that brought on some fights and arguments which eventually split everyone up.
There are a few members of the group that I stay in contact with but we will likely never hang out as a group again.”
They had to learn their lesson twice with these folks.
“Girl A told girl B that this boy was cheating on B. B called A a liar and physically fought her. All my friends took different sides. I remained neutral like Switzerland. I am now the one with no friends since those backing A were angry I was still talking to those backing B and viceversa.
Edit for answers:
- The guy was cheating but made B think she was crazy for believing A. He was abusive and toxic. They are still together 15 years down the line and have 2 children.
- I sort of took A's side as she was right but my best friend (C) took B's side. A had no problem with me talking to B and the ones on her side. My then best friend C got jealous I was also talking to A and got the girls on A's side to stop talking to A.
- Whole group rekindled about a year later, apologies were exchanged. B never joined any plan as the guy didn't want her to see her friends.
- When me and A started uni (we were the only two from the group that went to university) everyone stopped calling us as we were broke students and didn't have money for clubbing. We tried to organise free plans but no one was interested.
Lost the same group twice. Better off without them. Girl A is still my best friend.”
Unfortunately, there are common traits between people in a friendship that one might outgrow, like partying, drugs, or other reckless activities.
Drugs can tear apart any relationship.comedy central GIF by The Jim Jefferies ShowGiphy
Steve always had a coke problem and so did Shane. Then I got one and it was bad. All the girlfriends blamed Steve and Shane for what happened to me as they introduced me to it.
Then Steve got too coked out while I was at rehab and beat the sh*t out of Shane.
I still talk to Shane occasionally hoping he's ready to quit drinking but the rest of them are long gone.
Growing up means losing friends.
“I think most of my group still hangs out. But over the last five years, I've just stopped talking to them.
I used to be a huge partier, but had a major health event that has effectively ended it. I no longer drink or do hard drugs.
I just lost interest with them since it all revolved around getting messed up. I used to go out maybe a few times a year, but after the social distancing this past year, I lost touch even more. On top of that, my longest friend unexpectedly died due to drugs earlier this year. I'm glad I got out when I did because I was on track for the same fate.
On top of that, I stopped doing Facebook and that has contributed as well. I recently saw they all got together for some 100 days celebration of my friend dying but nobody invited me and I found out after the fact.
Sometimes you just grow up and leave it behind."
All went in different directions.
“I was part of a group of 6 that hung out the summer after high school graduation. This is what happened.
One liked drugs.
One became a cop.
One got sent to jail.
One moved to Oregon.
One is still getting his Masters.
I'm just working.
I still hang out with the guy getting his masters and the guy from Oregon will come back home sometimes.”
Sometimes we just outgrow people. It’s a part of becoming an adult.
Don’t bang your band mates.band jamming GIFGiphy
“Not as much as a friend group, but a band. I was in a pop punk band in high school, and we were together for about 2 years just playing local shows and sucking at writing songs together.
My junior year, I (vocals) started dating the guitar player. Turns out, the bassist and the keyboard player also both had the hots for me. Bassist and Keyboard player dipped, other guitar guy and drummer awkwardly backed out, and me and girlfriend/guitar player did acoustic covers together for another year and a half before she cheated on me and we broke up.
Moral of the story, don't bang your bandmates.”
“Some friends had very clear mental health issues. One decided to lash out and cut contact for seemingly no reason, another just straight up ghosted everyone and we never found out why.
One of my good buddies from highschool has problems with alcohol and also wants to be a cop despite being racist and sexist. He made a sexual comment to my wife while blacked out and refused to take responsibility. Another friend freaked out months later screaming at us for daring to hold him to account and said a bunch of awful things, we haven't heard from her since.
Growing up f*cking sucks sometimes.”
Something I wish I learned when I was younger was that if a friendship is toxic, it’s more than ok to let them go. It’s no use clinging to people who don’t value you, or are just plain problematic. You’re allowed to leave.
It’s honestly better to just have a few close friends anyway. Friend groups are too dramatic.