Getting married can be one of the great stresses of your life. Pressure and anxiety can fester over every little thing, coupled alongside the universally crippling fact you're about to be attached to one person for the rest of your life, can be too much for people. In those times, it's important to remember a wedding is merely one day and what you're planning on doing is committing to one person who you hopefully love enough to spend the rest of your life together.
Sometimes that's not enough, as demonstrated by this young man's story, who posted on Reddit looking for advice.
Me [21 M] with my girlfriend [19 F] dating for 2 years, how can i tell her, i want to cancel our marriage
Hello, I'm getting married in exactly 2 weeks. A month ago, I was 100% sure I want the marriage but a week ago I started to get worried about the marriage.
Basically I know, nothing will change after the marriage because it's just a piece of paper, but somehow I'm still scared. I talked with her like 2 times already, told her my thoughts and that I'm not ready yet. She said "Ok, if you're not ready, you shouldn't marry me" but after an hour it suddenly changed my mind and i told her "I'm ready, its just a big step. I guess im just nervous". Both times it ended like that and on the next day, my mind cant think of anything else, on how scared i am.
I guess the mindchange happens because I don't really want to hurt her. I want to stay together with her, we are also living together since 1.5 years but i don´t think I'm ready yet.
Does anyone here was in the same situation? How did you started the conversation and how did it all end? What would you recommend me? Just talking to directly again? I feel awul for "changing" my mind every 3 days.
TL;DR : Unsure if i should cancel my marriage in 2 weeks even when sure, how.
Have You Given It Serious Thought?
It is absolutely not just a piece of paper and the fact that you think that shows just how wildly, thoroughly unprepared you are to do it. I want to inform you, yes, inform, that you are making a gigantic mistake routed in immaturity. You havent even been together two years! You really think nothing is going to change between you after marriage and for literally the rest of both of your lives? That's a scream.
It's Best To Not Drag It Out
My STBX husband wasn't ready. And I sort of worried that he wasn't ready. From the time he proposed to the day before the wedding, I assured him more than once that if he wanted to take more time, or even not get married at all, I was ok with it. For my part, I loved him (and still do) and never doubted it for a second.
He dragged it out for 4 years before finally admitting that marriage wasn't "his thing". He quite literally ruined my life because of his indecisiveness and I would rather have been his girlfriend forever than his wife for a minute.
Don't do to her what he did to me. If you love her at all, don't drag her into a legal and emotional mess because you are afraid.
Two-Become-One
the marriage. Basically i know, nothing will change after the marriage because its just a piece of paper, but somehow im still scared.
Wtf are you serious? It's not just a piece of paper. Do you even know what it is? It's a legal document basically merging two people to one. This means you share everything. Any debts? You share. You get divorced, your a-- gets to pay alimony. Any assests you have, half gone. Yeah a piece of paper. Clearly you are not ready cause you think it's just a piece of paper. This paper is a business contract and one of the most important ones, if not the most important one.
All It Takes Sometimes Is A Little More Time
If you aren't ready don't get married. Postpone it or cancel it. Bring it up sooner rather than later too. Just tell her you think you need more time before you get married, don't beat around the bush. You've already talked about it to her, she seemed to understand.
Not going to lie, 2 weeks before my wedding I wasn't scared, I just wanted it done and over with. But everyone is different.
[Update] Me [21 M] with my girlfriend [19 F] dating for 2 years, how can i tell her, i want to cancel our marriage?
After some serious thinking and mental breakdowns, i came to the conclusion "I cant marry her". So last Saturday I told my girlfriend I'm not ready yet. She was really angry and sad, it was obvious understandable.
I also felt guilty but after the conversation I felt free. It was probably the hardest conversation in my life but I feel so much better right now.
Even tho things are still difficult between us, her parents hate me and we are overthinking our relationship and thinking about a breakup everything is just better.
Someone said "If your relationship can't handle a wedding postpone, your relationship won't handle a marriage" and i think he's absolutely right. If she leaves me now, I'm 100% sure it was the right choice. Also someone gave me the question :
"If it came down to a choice between getting married and breaking up -- do you have a clear preference for one or the other?"
And yes, my preference was clearly breaking up. I never thought about that way.
I even realized our relationship has a lot of problems and I'm thinking of breaking up as well. Maybe starting to focus more on myself, but I will decide that in a week or so, depends on how things will go between us from now on.
Also I realized that I'm lacking friends and social contact. I have some friends but in the past 2 years I did nothing else than doing stuff with my girlfriend. Basically we were together 24/7 except work. I neglected my friends and yesterday i met some friends and it felt great. I honestly start doing more with my friends and trying to find new friends SOMEHOW
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR : I was unsure about my wedding, but in the end i cancelled it and it was the hardest choice and the hardest conversation in my life. Everything was paid but in the end it was worth it. The relationship might be falling apart now, but i rather breaking up than paying a divorce in a year or so.
Pay Attention To Your Own Feelings
That's great news!
Someone said "If you relationship cant handle a wedding postpone, your relationship wont handle a marriage" and i think hes absolutly right. If she leaves me now, im 100% sure it was the right choice.
The fact that you were so hesitant, the fact that you would prefer breaking-up than marrying her, and the fact that you feel so relieved are all the confirmation you need that you made the right choice. Tons of relationships don't survive going back on that kind of commitment, if she choses to leave you now, it says nothing about her.
One End Leads To A New Beginning
I was really bitter at 21 because a guy i had been dating for 6 years all of a sudden told me he didnt want to marry me anymore....
5 years later I have met my person and we are happy and getting married. I am a much more whole person, and the best thing that guy ever did for me was set me free so that I can experience all that I did.
Said all that to say..OP if you hade [sic] any concerns you did the right thing. And if you all decide to split as painful as it is, and as much as she will say/feel she hates you. In time it all makes sense. Good luck.
Being An "Adult" Means Making The Tough Call
"If it came down to a choice between getting married and breaking up -- do you have a clear preference for one or the other?"
And yes, my preference was clearly breaking up. I never thought about that way.
Then stop putting the responsibility on her to do so. Grow up and break up with her because you clearly aren't satisfied with this relationship.
Which is totally fine, but you need to do some adulting here and break up with the girl instead of stringing her along with maybe-someday-getting-married when what you really mean is it's over. You're trying to put the pressure on her to leave you now, because you want a break-up, and that's pretty sh-tty.
No One Is The Same At 25 As They Were At 22
Someone put it very aptly to me during my divorce, and I'd like to pass on the wisdom. No one is the same person at 25 that they were at 22. Getting married that young is a gamble.
You could be the most head over heels in love couple in the world, but if you haven't yet fully worked through who you are, you have no right to tie another person's life to yours. Breakup or not, calling off the wedding is the best thing for both of you.
[usernamedeleted]
"True Love Can Come At Any Age"
Grow as your own person, make friends like you said you would, and live life. You're 21, and while true love can come at any age; it probably won't be now!
Best of luck!
H/T: Reddit
