People Share The Craziest Things A Child Has Ever Asked Them
Ekaterina Shakharova/Unsplash

Kids are wild.

If you don't think kids are wild, it's because you clearly haven't spent any real time around them or they're not comfortable enough to be themselves around you, yet. They're still putting up a front.

Catch them when they're relaxed and in their natural state - then they start talking and almost without fail, tiny humans are absolutely bananas. It might just be the best thing about them.


Reddit user Deepanjon asked:

"What's the craziest thing a child has ever asked you?"

Don't take my word for it, lets gather evidence from these fine folks.

When You Were Young

Getting Old 30 Rock GIFGiphy

" 'When you were a kid, did they even have electricity? Or is that new to you?' ”

"I’m 22???????"

- injury_minded

"My granddaughter asked me 'Was there color when you were younger?' ”

" 'Ummmm yes there has always been color.' "

"I died. It was so innocent. I love that kid."

- FlaOwlLover88

"My 5 year old asked me if we had rocks when I was a kid."

- vonMishka

Catloaf

"Dumb, but truly adorable."

"I got a new kitten and was taking him to the vet. He was sitting in the loaf cat position with his feet tucked all up under him in his cat carrier."

"Little girl comes up to me with a look of genuine concern."

“ 'Hello, excuse me, I’ve never had a cat, I just have a dog (points over at her dog at the vet) and I just wanted to know if you brought the cat to the vet because he doesn’t have any feet?' ”

"I picked him up and she saw his feet and was SO RELIEVED."

- sensualsqueaky

Verbal Decimation

"I was verbally decimated by a 9 year old. ZERO comeback."

"I was hanging out in my friends garage and his daughter came out from the house, and told me that I looked just like her teacher."

"I responded, 'Man, Your teacher must be a very handsome guy!' "

"She responded "Well no, she's pregnant. Are you pregnant too?' "

"WTF! That was a perfect burn. ZERO comebacks."

"My friend was laughing his @ss off."

- CodeBluePools

Why Grandma's Not Dead

"My three year old nephew asked me how old his great grandmother is. I told him she’s 94."

"He asked why she hasn’t died yet!"

"Thankfully she, like a lot of old people, has a sense of humour about her mortality. When we moved this grandma out of her house, I was carrying a box down the driveway and she walked next to me saying:"

" 'Thank you dear. This is my last move. Next time I'll be in the box.' "

"She was also friends with the retired head of the classics department at the local university, and I was a classics major so I liked visiting him from time to time. In the last year of his life he lived in a care facility."

"Whenever I was leaving he'd say 'It's always nice of you to come visit us folks here in the departures lounge.' "

- asoiahats

Jesus The Homie

family guy jesus GIFGiphy

"It wasn’t me, but my daughter."

"She was 4 when she met my grandmother, who was 68 at the time. By far the oldest person my daughter had ever met."

"Without missing a beat she turns to my grandmother and says.. 'Was Jesus friendly in person?' Lol."

- bellabbr

#28 Doesn't Always Work

"Not me, but my wife, who is Black."

"Kid: 'Your skin is so dark. Does it wash off?' "

"Wife: 'No baby, this is tanning shade #28. You've only got shade #3.' "

'Kid ran too his mom and said he wanted to go outside and get a #28."

- BigdoggyTN

"My toddler asked me why I was part black. (We are both very white.)"

"I asked her to clarify and she pointed to a mole on my arm and said:"

" 'Your skin tried to be black right there but it didn't work for your whole body.' "

- NeedsMoreTuba

Playing Games

"Because I'm a 27-year-old man who is 4 feet tall and has disproportionate dwarfism, I get a lot of funny/weird child encounters as they try to figure out who I am."

"One of my favourite interactions occurred when I was waiting for a friend who had gone to the restroom in a shopping centre."

"I was going about my business when I spotted a young girl, perhaps about eight years old and already taller than me, peering at me from a few yards away. I didn't think much of it (things like this happen all the time), so I just smiled to myself and kept her in my peripheral view."

"I was caught aback as she stormed directly towards me, an irritated expression on her face:"

" 'I know you're not an adult,' she stated when she got to me. 'Stop playing games!' Just as her embarrassed father raced up behind her and yanked her away; extensively apologizing to me."

"I was taken aback, and then I burst out laughing. I'm going to have to work on my disguise..."

- bonniejfox

The Old People Conundrum

Michael Cohen Yes GIFGiphy

"When I was little I remember asking my grandma:"

" 'Are old people smart because they're so old they've had time to learn everything, or are they stupid because they've had a lot of time to forget everything?' "

"She laughed in my face. I thought it was a legitimate question."

- Adelmas

"The answer is 'yes.' "

- scalablecory

During The Diaper Changes

"I work in childcare, mostly with very young children."

"While a coworker was changing a 2-almost-3s poopy diaper (there’s always another certified adult within seeing/hearing range while doing diaper changes or any other more delicate things; child abuse prevention measures!) I hear him say 'ow!' ”

"Coworker says 'I’m so sorry, I have to get the poopy off your little penis so it doesn’t get a rash! Would you like to take a wipe and help?' ”

"And the child responds 'No Ms, not little penis, BIG penis!' ”

"He asked me after he came out from the bathroom: 'I have a big penis right? Right?' ”

"100% told mom about it and she was howling with laughter. Sounds like he’s been hanging out with his older brothers or something!"

"Also my response to him was: 'oh, I’m taller than you, so you are just small to me! Like your hands are smaller than mine!' "

- immabadit

"My 3 year old boy, completely out of the blue while changing his diaper: 'I have BIG peepee!' Heavy emphasis on BIG."

- VisionsOfTheMind

Candy-Colored Gnome

" 'Are you real?' ”

"I was working at a movie theatre, and at the time had pink and blue hair. Also I am just over 5’ and have been told I look like a cartoon character."

"I think the kid had just fallen asleep during a movie and was kinda groggy, then this little candy-colored gnome with a broom walks by and she just needed to check."

- DelsMagicFishies

Point proven, but we're not done yet.

Lets turn it over to the comments, shall we? Tell us the kid-est thing a kid has ever said to you, let's expose them for magnificently hilarious little beasts they are.

Kids are amazing.

Birds and the bees, attack

"We’ve talked about sex with my 11 & 12yo kids relatively openly over the past few years. Told them to ask me anything, anytime, and I’ll give them a straight answer. And then one day over dinner, 'When was the last time you and dad had sex?' For the sake of the children’s future imaginings, 'That’s something I can’t answer'."

" I think they thought I just couldn’t remember, so my then 9yo said to the one who asked, 'Duh! 9 years ago, and then I was born.' Yep, uh-huh, that’s right, kiddo'."

-Gantzish

"My sister's 9yo got the talk and said, 'Do you and Daddy have sex?' 'Yes.' 'Oh. ... Where?' She didn't know how to answer that one lol"

-floorwantshugs

Add it to the will

" 'Can I have your tv when you die'."I had just bought a big new tv and my cousin was over. I has 23 at the time, but kids being kids, see anything over 20 as ancient lol"

-Papa_Smurf87

"My 6 year old asked me the other day if we could have my parents' house when they die. Except instead of just saying 'die', he said 'When they, you know, slides finger across his throat DIE'."

I was like dude, that's hella morbid. Freakin kid says 'What?? We've all gotta go some day!'."

-Platypus211

"Remember it and include it in your will someday."

-Pokabrows

Telepathically

web series comedy GIFGiphy

"6-year-old kid: 'Hey, watch this!' "

"blank stare for something like 10 seconds"

"Kid: 'Guess what?' "

"Me, bewildered: 'What?' "

"Kid: 'I was talking to you inside my head!' "

-maleorderbride

"I did this to people when I was a kid lmao"

-Cambuhbam

"I remember when I discovered what thinking was"

-genZhippie

You will help me!

"To wipe their butt while already bending over holding their butt cheeks open. Incredibly uncomfortable at a childrens birthday party especially since I was newly dating the person who brought me to it and this child’s parents were nowhere to be seen"

-BellJar_Blues

"Omg. Children have no shame! Do they need help with something? Are you an adult nearby? Then I'm asking you!"

"I volunteered at my daughter's class back when she was in kindergarten. Despite the room always having 2-3 staff member adults, the number of kids who came up and asked me to do things for them was astounding. Most of them had no idea who I even was."

" 'Can you tie my shoes?' 'Can you put my hair in a ponytail?' 'Will you clean up my mess for me?' 'Will you help me dig this hole?' 'Will you help me go the the bathroom?' Said no to that one."

"On the bright side, every one of them was polite, even the more rambunctious ones."

-Wonderful-Custard-47

Mmm eyeballs.

season 8 episode 10 GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy

"Asscrack of dawn, startled awake by a toddler hovering an inch over my face. Oh, is she going for a kiss? Nope. 'Mama, I want to eat your eyes?'."

"When I declined, she elaborated reasons including: they're beautiful, I think they'd be goopy, and I bet they taste salty. Was then quite upset that I would not let her 'even have just a taste'."

-InannasPocket

"Maybe you're well past this stage now, but I really feel like this should be leveraged any time she doesn't want to try a food for the first time"

"Something like 'you know, it's probably yummier than my eyes'."

-schmiggen


How does THAT work?

"I'm pregnant and my 9 year old daughter asked how the baby got there. I tell her the mechanics of it. She asks a few questions and then says 'wait, does that mean S/O did that to you?!' I said yeah. 'Wow, that's weird mom'."

-brunette_mermaid93

"Also pregnant, and my 4 yr old is very interested in how the baby gets out."

"'I'll go to the hospital and the doctor will help the baby out' worked for a little bit, but now he wants specifics."

-toocoolforgruel

Dad jokes.

Cute Dog Wearing Doctor Costume GIF by ViralHogGiphy

"A little girl (possibly between the ages of 5 and 8) When I informed her my service dog was working (I'm horrible at ages), she asked me what I meant. I told her that he informs me when I'm sick.

" 'Oh, so he's your dog-tor!' says the narrator.

"To be honest, it's also a pretty telling sentence for that girl's future."

-maryjgilbert

"She’s gonna be a dad!"

-saviorofworms

if the aim is good...

"When I had my middle child, I called the eldest at his grandparents to tell them that the baby was born. He asked to tell him the story. I gave him an age appropriate version that mom's water had broken, we we went to the hospital and with the doctors help she came out. He went silent for a minute then asked 'Why didn't you let me use my slingshot to break your water balloon?'"

-imnotaloneyouare

"It's a good question. Why didn't you?"

-RolyPoly1320

Mammals Ice cream.

Thinking Reaction GIFGiphy

"Actual conversation: 'Cows are mammals and they make milk, right?' "

"Me: Yes"

"Kid: Ice cream is made from milk, right?”

"Me: Yup”

"Kid: If walruses are mammals, too, how come we don’t have walrus ice cream?”

"Me: …………….”

-_Thosearentpillows

"I mean, my city has an ice cream place called Walrus Ice Cream, so technically we do..."

-only-if-there-is-pie

"Lol loosely related but I worked at an elementary school for awhile. One of my students had a book of drawings. She proudly showed me them."

"They were all caricatures of people as walruses. Ironman walrus. Jack sparrow walrus. Elsa walrus. It made my day, one of the funniest and most creative things I had seen."

-TurbulentLily

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