Nobody wants to be in a position where they feel like the spark is slipping away from their relationship, but, sometimes, it's a harsh reality that we need to deal with. Human beings go in and out of passionate phases of life, and so, it always takes some long-term thinking and adjustment.
u/slylymessingup told us what was going on:
I [24M] feel like my [24F] girlfriend is no longer sexually attracted to me after Stoma surgery.
Me and my partner have been together for 10 months now. Everything was great between us sexually, emotionally and romantically, that is, until 3 months ago. I had an emergency surgery after perforating a bowel. The surgery was fairly unexpected and traumatic. The silver lining in this experience was her. She never left my side and helped me for the next several weeks in hospital and at home. She was my rock when I needed it most.
A stoma (a resection of my intestine to poo into a bag out of my stomach) is not a pretty experience and as such has put a major dent into my body image and general self confidence.
Prior to the surgery we would have sex very regularly, with her mostly initiating sex. Since the surgery, it has been very few times and always at my persistence.
I recently raised my concerns with her, asking if she was still sexually attracted to me. She maintains that she is just as attracted and has no issue with the stoma. Instead, she has just been very stressed with alot of things going on (career stresses mainly to my understanding) and has lost her sex drive.
I understand stress would do that, but the timing seems very coincidental. I also find difficulty in accepting her answer as I know she has a fairly high sexual partner count (in the 20's). A number that I was previously accepting of, just slightly daunted by. However, with my self-image issues and ongoing lack of intimacy, I've recently started to become insecure with the number. I hate myself for this fact. I fear that I might be acting resentful towards my partner and I know she doesn't deserve that.
I've recently been considering ending the relationship, as I don't like the person I am becoming towards her. I feel she would be better off without my insecurities and resentment in her life. I still love her, and regardless of my decision, always will love the person that she is. I just don't know that I can be with someone who I feel is sexually unattracted to me.
Am I overreacting? Any advice would be appreciated.
TL;DR Feel like my partner is no longer sexually attracted to me after surgery due to a lack of intimacy despite her denying it when raised with her. Unsure how to further approach the situation.
Here was some of the advice he got.
One
Your gf is probably still in nurse mode. It takes time to come out of that, and it's only been three months. Not only that, but having sex with a person recovering from major surgery is daunting, much more so when you've got a piece of medical equipment sticking out of you. It not an "Oh, gross!" thing, it's more of a "Am I going to hurt him? What if we accidentally pull it out? What if we tear something?" thing. Maybe put sex on the backburner for a few weeks and try to ease yourself back into couple mode- no-pressure cuddling, more dates, things you two did when you first started seeing each other. Like you said, she's got career stress on top of seriously injured bf stress, so don't take it personally that her sex drive took a hiatus.
Two
It took my husband about six months to really be okay after I had major abdominal surgery, and I never took it personally because I knew that he wanted to make sure nothing happened to me like an internal stitch popping or my incision tearing open. Add to that the stress of possibly triggering my trauma response (I had almost died 6 months prior to the surgery) and it was the perfect storm of "what the f*ck do we do now?" for almost a year.
I rather wonder if you're displacing your discomfort with the entire situation onto your girlfriend, if you feel like if you just resumed your "normal" level of sexual activity the fear and the pain and the ickiness of it all would be more tolerable. However, that need for you is coming up against her need to not contribute any further to your pain or cause you any further medical stress.
It's terrifying sometimes, being the patient. You have to renegotiate your entire identity for a while. I ended up in counseling to deal with what had happened to me because I wanted to stop making everyone else in my life responsible for my recovery.
Three
GiphyI think you might be projecting. Honestly you can't base how much sex you are going to have in a relationship on how much sex you had in the first 6 months. The beginning of relationships are fun sexy times where you generally have sex at a greater degree then you really keep up for life.
Are you not having sex enough or are you just upset because you noticed it's less and attribute it to the surgery?
Four
Being only 7 months into a relationship and then needing to swap roles from fun-loving GF to supportive nurse GF is a big change for a relatively new relationship. Even for people who have been dating or married for years, this can be a very drastic change in the relationship. Give your GF some time adjust (or re-adjust) to your relationship.
As others have said, she may be worried about injuring you, especially after she spent so much effort helping you recover.
Finally, if what she said is true about her stress, consider that it may be time for you to be the one who's supporting and helping her through a difficult time. You've talked about what in the relationship is troubling you, but is there anything in the relationship that's troubling her? Have you asked her about whether there's anything in the relationship she'd like to address? Or if there's anything you can do to help her in her life? The relationship has been about your needs for a while, maybe it's time to address her needs.
Five
If it's too personal you certainly don't have to answer this, but it might be something to keep in mind for yourself, but I imagine things have changed in regards to having sex in the practical sense?
Like for instance, you used to have sex when you woke up, but maybe now you need to prepare first? If things like that are different now it might be hard on her to find a new groove.
Also I can't speak for your gf, but on the partner count thing, that doesn't have to mean someone has a really high libido all the time.
Especially if it where short flings/one night stands having had multiple partners doesn't translate to having sex all the time. I mean 20 one night stands are just that, 20 nights of sex, if they're spread out over a few years, it's just not an insane amount of action.
Like if it's spread out over 5 years it's having sex 4 times a year, that's an amount people would post to deadbedrooms for.
Six
GiphyEh, you are totally projecting, but I am going to take the complete opposite opinion to everyone else. I do think that you should break up. Almost everyone goes through libido ups and downs at different times in life. Many women experience lower libido at different times in life due to many different factors, especially stress, caregiving, self image, and many other things you guys haven't had to deal with yet like pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, and so on.
It's a thing and it happens a lot. If you are going to lose your shit every time someone experiences a lower libido, take it personally, resent them, and pressure them for sex, then that's not a relationship you should be in.
Make sure you find someone whose libido doesn't lower in response to stressors or anything else.
Seven
My husband had an ostomy for a while, and it was a super difficult time for us. (not like our relationship was in danger, it was just hard) It is really hard to be the cheerful caregiver, even when you're super worried and feeling beat up yourself, and the person you would normally turn to during all of this is the one person you can't even let show that you're feeling even slightly overwhelmed by it all, because you don't want to make them feel bad. So the career stress might not be the real source of stress, but is just the easiest stress to blame for it all.
If you really care about her, give her time, do things for her, acknowledge that you being so sick was hard on her too, and how much it means to you that she stuck by your side and was such a huge source of support. If she normally has a higher sex drive, this will sort itself out in time, and the fact that she's still there means that she's in it for the long haul, and that she wants to make it work. Work with her.
Eight
Are you in therapy to deal with this traumatic experience?? It sounds like it's triggered a lot of negative thinking and ruminating in you and you'd be better served to deal with your internal issues before telling your gf she isn't meeting your needs and btw she totally extra needs to because she got around a lot before starting a relationship with you. All that insecurity would still exist if you left her, because it's in you.
Nine
GiphyPlease don't chuck away the relationship. 3 months is not enough time, you are both still adjusting. Best thing to do is to talk to her and say, even though she says work is stressing her out, however the coincidence has your doubting yourself. It may also be that you are projecting your own insecurities onto the situation. Another explanation may be that deep down subconsciously, she is afraid of hurting you. No one will know until you have the conversation.
Ten
I think that you're getting in your own way OP. Have you considering going to counselling for your body-image issues? My boyfriend got his stoma when we were 22 and his self-image really struggled. He ended up getting counselling and it really helped. There are ebbs and flows in any relationship and I don't think you should end things with her because of this if she states the issues are from external factors.
Also how much have you too discussed your stoma? It's also possible that she isn't very educated on it and could be worried about hurting you during sex. etc.
I think that open communication and education really helped my boyfriend and I normalize his stoma so it wasn't an issue.
"What’s something that is incredibly unhealthy that most people don’t even realize?"
Having Friends Is Good For Ones Health!
"Loneliness."- CaptainGrabality
Always Good To Get On A Routine
"Shift work."
"Nights, followed by lates, followed by earliest."
"Physiologically so destructive."
"I work for the emergency services so it's essential 24/7."
"The management are pretty good but we've been shafted on pay at a national level."
"Still attritional on the body."- PhatNick
Always Try To Get Those Eight Hours
"Chronic lack of sleep."
"Sleep deprivation."- CoolPotatoTomato
Tired Stewie Griffin GIF by Family GuyGiphyNot The Kind Of Energy You Want
"The amount of people who drink soda or Mountain Dew or energy drinks 24/7 and say ‘I feel fine so it must be fine’ is INSANE." - WildFemmeFatale
Get Up And Stretch Those Legs
"Sitting for long periods."
"Both unhealthy and as you get older dangerous."- JoeMorgue
Careful What You Breathe In
"Honestly, most cleaning supplies."
"They’re fine to use in your house, but if you can smell it and your lungs aren’t happy smelling it, you should be wearing an n95 or respirator."
"Bleach is a big one."
"Anything that makes you cough in a small room."
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"Turn the fan on, open the window and use a damn mask."
"Your lungs will thank you in 20 years."
"I never even thought about any of that until I started glassblowing."
"Glass blowing works with a lot of stuff that we have to wear masks for, cold working like sanding down glass, the colored powders, mold materials, enamel paints, asbestos pads, etc."
"Once I got into the habit of protecting my lungs, I realized just how much stuff at home is probably pretty bad to be breathing in also."
"Good news is, a reusable respirator is pretty cheap at any hardware store, the filters aren’t crazy expensive, and it’s surprisingly useful to have."
"Painting, cleaning, replacing 50 year old carpet, any stinky job like when a 70lbs dog has diarrhea all over the house, etc. It’s just handy to have."- huskeya4
clean sailor moon GIFGiphyIt's Important To Have a Little Fun Every Now And Then!
"Stopping yourself from enjoying/doing anything just because other people might not approve of it."
"It can end up being one of the most detrimental things you can do to your health, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally."- LustxInfinity·
Just How Much Fruit Exactly Is There?
"A lotta name brand fruit juices have lot more sugar than folks like to pay attention to."- TeriosNaija
Use Those Vacation Days!
"Working so much w only 2 vacation weeks (10 days) a year."- skoldane
Out Of Office Summer GIF by Merge MansionGiphySo, next time you find yourself sitting at home, alone, with nothing to do, take yourself for a nice long walk, or even just a short walk around the block.
Your mind and body will be very grateful for it when you get home.
As a little escape is just what the soul needs, every now and then.
Redditor odeus120 wanted to hear about the signs that make us see how some people should be raising their kids better.
"What screams trashy parents?"
Having waited tables, it's all a red flag. The list is too ling.
Oh Mother
Mean Girls Movie GIF by filmeditorGiphy"Mothers who see their daughter as competition."
Salt-Direction4885
"I see you've met my mom."
MYHAUNTEDPOCKET
On the Socials
"Social media influencers whose entire content is their children. People who publicly punish their kids online, parents who give out way too many details about their children giving them lack of privacy. Child exploitation at its finest."
Rooster-Wild
"There’s a lady on TikTok who posts constant videos of her daughter naked in the bath. Someone else called her out on it and how it’s only harming her daughter so what does she do? Turn off all comments so people will stop harassing her about taking down those videos. And keeps on posting for the pedos."
yorkiewho
The Trashers
"Kids running around a store trashing the place and not a parent in sight."
makeski25
"Many years ago when I worked at WalMart, parents would routinely 'drop off' their kids in the toy department and then just walk through the store, or, worse, go across the street to eat out or shop. So it wasn't unusual to see numerous unsupervised kids just wrecking the toy and sporting goods department."
"I once fussed at a manager to do something about a pair of kids who had put together a bunch of pool noodles and were running down aisle after aisle, just clearing the shelves and knocking stuff to the floor. Manager pulls the kids aside, parents show up, yell at the kids, and the manager comes to me and goes: 'well, I hope you feel better, you made me ruin that kid's night.'"
Blametheorangejuice
It's just a game...
"Cussing out the officials at a little league game. Telling your child to punch another player they tripped over."
SnooChipmunks126
"I coached t-ball, the kids were pre-k to 2nd grade. I had a mother inches from my face screaming at me because I asked her child to sit down for an inning... Because he was hitting kids in the head (with a helmet on) with a bat. It was one of the wildest things I had happen to me. Not the last though."
BitofaCrochetHooker
Any Pepsi?
Baby Drinking GIF by reactionseditorGiphy"When I waited tables in college, I saw a mother fill her young toddler’s bottle with Coca-cola. I thought it was just horrible."
lobsters_love_butter
This is a mess. At least it wasn't a Jack and coke.
Blame
Yup Thats Right GIF by Katelyn TarverGiphy"When their kids could literally set the world on fire and they'll blame anyone else to avoid responsibility."
Difficult_Shine3675
"My sister in law does this. Her kid could set someone on fire and she'd go 'well it's not HIS fault she has on such flammable clothes!'"
HavingALittleFit
Destruction
"Kids destroying other people's stuff/property and the parents are just standing there and laughing like it's a form of amusement. Once went into an older movie store and there was a child bashing the glass with his ball and throwing the movies all over the floors. The mother (presumedly) let her child continue to do that despite others' protests including the manager's. I don't fault the child, doesn't know any better. The mother should've been asked to leave the store with her son."
InfiniteWords117
Stop Yelling
"There is a kid (maybe 8-10 years old) on the other side of my street right now yelling slurs and telling everyone who walks by to go f**k themselves while their parent sits on the porch smoking weed and laughing. This is a regular occurrence. I'm fairly certain the kid has a mental disorder but the fact that the parent seems to be encouraging the behavior is pretty trashy."
SternCoats
The Stench
"Kids that smell like smoke because their parents smoke indoors. It was my parents. Everybody hated when we came over because everything we'd touch would smell like cigarettes as well. Couldn't convince my parents to smoke outside of the home because 'it's their house and they'll do as they please.'"
bumblingbirdy
Control
Frustrated Skip Bayless GIFGiphy"Parents emotionally blackmailing their kids. Using guilt and obligation to control their children."
SuvenPan
We know that raising a family is hard, but these folks need to do better for their kids.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor jumpjoom wanted to hear some thoughts on who everyone thought might be today's greatest smarty pants.
"Who is the closest person alive to a modern-day Einstein?"
I know I'm not on this list. So easy place to start.
The Unknown
excited genius GIFGiphy"We probably don't know about them. They're probably buried in some pharma, rocket science, technology company and are content to do their thing."
believeTheError
"I know this absolute child prodigy genius of a mathematician that went to Harvard and was easily one of the best there. He’s currently a professor of a 3rd tier state college."
gigawort
Just as good...
"Even at the time Einstein was alive, it wasn't that he had the most powerful brain or best math ability (many surpassed him here). He worked on and solved some of the most outstanding problems in physics at the time. The late 19th/early 20th century was a special time for physics; classical physics was failing apart but how to fix it wasn't known - Einstein (amongst others) offered some ways to fix things."
"Tons and tons of people are just as 'bright' as Einstein by almost any metric but their work essentially can't as impactful. We're too many decimals deep into measurements now."
Jorrissss
"Emmy Noether comes to mind as a contemporary of Einstein who was easily a better mathematician than he was."
CoastingUphill
Impossible
"I’m going to give a weird answer: John Carmack."
"Just go read some of the things he has done and is doing. From inventing some of the math and programming that gave us the modern computer gaming revolution (this is the guy behind the original doom), to running a rocket company trying to achieve orbit and complete propulsive landings similar to what Space X does today, to dropping everything to create the future of VR."
"Now he’s immersed in AI research on top of everything else. The guy is a walking talking genius who sees things on a whole different level. He spent his whole career doing 'impossible' things in software and hardware. Whether you know his name or not, his work has had a real effect on all of our lives, and likely will be even more impactful in the future as we move toward a more virtually-centered life."
Exodi
Advanced Study in Princeton...
"Ed Witten..."
"American mathematician and theoretical physicist at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton. He received his Ph.D. in physics in 1976 from Princeton University. He has made landmark contributions to string theory from the 1980's to the present day, most notably the development of M-theory in 1995. He was awarded the Fields Medal in 1990 for his contributions to mathematics and mathematical physics"
Heap_Good_Firewater
It's all Relative
Good Witch Smile GIF by Hallmark ChannelGiphy"Thomas Einstein, Albert Einsteins great grandson."
XRomaniaIsInSomaliaX
"That dude is a doctor. Imagine living your life having people refer to you as 'Dr. Einstein.' I'd develop a superiority complex."
blue4029
Those Einsteins. They should do a sitcom.
Math Guy
Confused Thinking GIF by JKGiphy"Grigori Perelman the Russian mathematician?"
OverLurking
"My man solved the Poincaré Conjecture and just dipped. I love math and I tried to read his paper and I did not understand a single word. The surgery thing seems like magic to me."
Lufernaal
Tao
"Terrence Tao."
david_rohan
"Apparently a strategy, if you're stuck on a problem at higher level maths is to get Tao interested in what you're working on."
JVM_
"From his Wiki. His research topics include 'harmonic analysis, partial differential equations, algebraic combinatorics, arithmetic combinatorics, geometric combinatorics, probability theory, compressed sensing and analytic number theory.' Just look down the rabbit hole of any one of those theories or topics and your mind will explode."
KardelSharpeyes
And the family...
"All of the Tao siblings are terrifyingly intelligent. I had the pleasure of playing a concert alongside Terence's brother, Trevor. I perform my set and am feeling pretty good about myself, and then Trevor gets up and performs gymnopedie no 1, which is a pretty difficult piece, but the dude did it while solving a Rubik's cube. Needless i say, I, and all the other performers that day, felt quite upstaged."
Haverwolf
"Trevor Tao is also an international chess master and is one of Australia’s top players."
Askyourdaughter
Thought
"Miguel Nicolelis. He created the theory and proofs of the brain net, basically telepathy. Thanks to this he managed to create a machine that a quadriplegic could walk using the power of thought. And it worked. The power of thought From someone else for this quadriplegic to relearn how to think about walking."
DELAIZ
The One and Only
albert einstein GIF by US National ArchivesGiphy"In some fields, science can be so complex and multi-disciplinary that 100s of people have contributed to e.g. gene therapy, CO2 capture or other major contributions to society. So major discoveries can't be attributed to a single person. And most of this science, if published, generally needs affiliations to academia to be taken seriously."
"Einstein was truly one-of-a-kind from his multitude of publications in 1905. I'm 90 percent sure that he wasn't even affiliated with any university at the time. He did it solo, out of nowhere. This makes his discoveries even more impressive! Einstein experts, please confirm that he did in fact not work at a university in 1905. I believe he worked at a patent office."
TheGhettoKidd
I'm not smart enough for this thread but we applaud this next generation of geniuses!
Do you have anyone you'd like to add? Let us know in the comments below.
