Being cheated on sucks. What a lot of people don't realize, though, is that it can suck for longer than just that moment, that incident, or even that relationship. Cheating can leave a lasting wound and sow the kinds of trust issues that follow us around for ages. One Reddit user was battling that insecurity from a past relationship when her current fiance started acting more distant. She said she was feeling "really insecure with his change in behavior" even though he gave a valid reason for it. She couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so she created fake profiles on popular dating sites to see if she could find him.
She did. So she turned to Reddit for help.
We'll let her explain:
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half, we moved in with one another a few months ago. Lately he has been a bit distant. I've been cheated on in the past and have been really insecure with his change in behavior. He has assured me he is just stressed about work and because his car broke down a couple weeks ago and he hasn't gotten a replacement yet.
I couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so I did a little investigating. I didn't snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st.
I don't know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?
I feel like I am a wreck right now
Buckle up, guys. You're about to go on a roller coaster of a ride with these responses and updates. Some have been edited for language or clarity.
Got popcorn? Let's do this.
Catfish Him!
GiphyDon't marry someone who is still out there "dating" unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he'll say, "it belongs to a friend", "it was just a joke", "I forgot I even had it".
Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.
This Is Ridiculous
GiphyIf you don't trust him to the point of going online and creating a fake profile to see if he's on there, and then plan on talking to him through the fake profile to see if he's actually using it, then you're definitely in no position to marry him and you should save yourself the time and ridiculousness and break up.
Catfishing Will Help Her?
GiphyHonestly, the other reason I can think of for op to do it is to help her break away from him. Successfully catfishing him would maybe make her more definite about the breakup, and make it psychologically easier to process (more concrete proof he's bad = easier to let go of, depending on your personality... Although for other people it'd backfire because knowing your SO could hurt you that badly would mess them up.)
Another Perspective
GiphyIf I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I've been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.
So what did I do? Immediately notified my partner and showed him the emails and asked if he was comfortable with me logging in to see what was up. I did and yup, account had been hacked. In another relationship before we both had our POF accounts suddenly reactivate as well. Dating sites are weird.
So it's possible he was hacked or it got randomly reactivated. But what would be inexcusable is not telling your partner...my first instinct this week wasn't to just go and quietly sort my profile hacking out without notifying my partner....my first instinct was to be open and transparent with the truth. And he was like "huh. Weird. Go do whatever you need to do."
So if he's not cheating them he still has a loooooot of work to do to be an open, honest and transparent partner.
- musicmaj
Be An Adult
GiphyDon't catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let's be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.
- rbus
Definitely Catfish
GiphyDefinitely catfish this to make sure. It's too easy to explain away the active account as "being hacked" -- that's the standard excuse.
On the other hand, I did something completely innocent once that looked shady; I'd been in a relationship with someone for a few months and she got upset/concerned because she'd noticed my POF account was showing as recently active. It was, but I'd logged in once to try and delete the account, then quickly gave up looking for the option. She was OK with the explanation, but I also evidence to prove I'd sent polite "thanks for chatting but I've met someone, bye" messages to 3 or 4 women a month or so prior. I understood why it looked shady though, and was happy to provide proof if she asked for it.
Basically, these things can happen, but don't just take people at their word if you can get proof. If your BF is guilty, he's not going to hold up his hands and say, "yes, you caught me."
Assuming The Worst
GiphyHere's some possible perspective that I might give you.
I met my wife on OkCupid. 2 years in of dating I noticed I hadn't deactivated my account. I logged into it, laughed about the in retrospect cringey shit I wrote in there to try and land a date. I had grown a lot in 2 years. Signed out.
If my wife had seen that I logged in, man, she might have been pretty damn concerned.
A few weeks later I thought, huh, worst case scenario is kinda bad, she might see I still have this. I deactivated it and told her I deactivated it and laughed about the cringey shit I had in there, and laughed about my imagining a paranoid scenario where she would snoop on me and confront me.
Just don't assume the worst of your partner. Has he given you any real reason to?
That being said, you are free to test him out. Ask a friend he doesn't know to hit him up and see how he responds is my idea. That way you can put all this to rest. However, you run the risk of being wrong if you do this. If he finds out you secretly snooped, didn't ask him directly, asked a friend to do this stuff, etc... It shows you don't trust him, and for me personally if they can't trust me, there can't be a relationship in the first place.
Because That Would Be Crazy
GiphyOP, I hope you don't catfish because that would be crazy. Just talk to your fiancé, and if you feel you can't trust him after that then break off the engagement. You are planning on marrying this man, and you need to know how to properly communicate and trust your partner without going behind their back and playing games.
It's hard since you have been lied to and cheated on before, but that's it's even more important that you're able to be with someone that you can trust.
And if he doesn't bite the bait, what will you do? Pretend it didn't happen? You've already made a fake profile and looked for him... from his side, that would sound some pretty big alarms.
- Avertri
Overreacting
GiphyAren't you overreacting just a bit here? Just tell him what you found. Although it doesn't bode well that you can't just share your feelings.
The Plan Of A 14-year-old
GiphyObviously you shouldn't try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl.
If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature adult woman.
Seriously 🙄
UPDATE: Now It's An International Incident
GiphyAfter reading some responses and suggestions, the girl decided her best course of action was to try and catfish her man rather than talk to him. She couldn't be sure it was him using the profile, so she felt like she needed to catch him in action. She enlisted the help of an old friend who lived in a different country and whose pictures the suspected-cheater had never seen. The friend cleared things with her man and our leading lady got to work creating the profile to try and catch her man.
In Her Own Words
GiphyThank you everyone. Further investigating is leading me to believe that it is an older profile. The pics aren't recent and I can positively date 8/9 of them to before our relationship the last I am not sure on the date. I think that means a hacking/signing in to try and delete the thing scenarios a little more plausible. I don't think that in itself is enough to break up over... So I guess it is time to either confront or catfish. People here are kinda split on it, but I took the advice to catfish. I need to know for sure. Will update when/if anything comes of it. I texted an old HS friend he has never seen pics of to ask if I could use hers for my profile...
PLOT TWIST!
GiphySo off goes our leading lady creating fake profiles to try to catch her man cheating. She spent a while making the perfect profile using her international friends pictures, then fired off a message to her man. When she didn't get a response she logged back on to the site to see if he had even read the message. That's when she discovered his profile was now deleted.
Now what?
She had no choice left but to confront him or let the unanswered question eat her alive. She opted to confront.
ANOTHER UPDATE: "Clearly My Fake Account"
GiphyI posted a few days ago because I found my fiance on an online dating site. I took reddit's advice and catfished him...
A few hours after I set the bait, I found that his profile had been deleted.
When he came home from work I showed him the screen shot and asked him what was up.
Long story short, He was hanging out with his coworker and the coworker was frustrated with figuring out how to navigate the ame dating site. My fiance signed into his old account (opened in 2013) to try to help his friend figure it out. Apparently a lot had changed on this particular site and he realized that his knowledge on the site was too out of date so he logged out and that was it. A few days later he saw in his email that he had gotten a message from a woman on the site and he then deleted his account.
He obviously couldn't show me his dating site account, but he did volunteer to show me his email account with all the alerts from the site, the only woman that had messaged him recently was clearly my fake account. He also realized when we were looking through his email that he had an unused old profile on another dating site, he signed in and deleted that one in front of me.
I fessed up about catfishing him. He wasn't upset at all. Said he understood completely considering my history and that I have been in therapy for trust issues for years. He was more upset with himself for not realizing that his behavior would make me so insecure.
I apologized for not trusting him and catfishing. He apologized for being so distant lately and not deleting his dating profiles ages ago.
He offered an open phone/social media/email policy between us, in case we ever stumble across another "trust but verify" type of situation.
The responses to her update were ... um ... interesting.
Save Your Sanity
GiphySweet baby lord Jesus a lot of people on this thread need therapy. OP, save your sanity and delete these threads.
- mdp928
Six Months Tops
Giphy"Life is good," but you're so insecure you can't trust your boyfriend enough to have an adult conversation about this and instead go straight to catfishing?
I not only give this relationship six months tops, unless you start handling problems in a healthy way, this kind of situation will keep happening.
Before Considering Marriage
GiphyYeah I was on OP's side but now they both seem dysfunctional. Like how did she know which dating site he was on, there are so many! And I'm sure the boyfriend had a back up story ready, maybe because OP has trust issues. Now they have a marriage date set?
They both need to work on their relationship and trust issues before considering marriage. Not a boat any of us would like to be on.
- rrr_zzz
"Handled My Crazy Girl Side With Grace"
GiphySuper relieved to hear this. Sometimes communication is best. I agree that it is okay to do a little snooping because you want to be smart enough not to fall for bs or be blind to deception. But it is also good when your partner can talk to you so openly and you can work things out and get through a misunderstanding. So happy for you! I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. We met on a dating site and a few months ago we were a little distant because of stress and him finishing school. I got insecure and went through his phone and found dating app messages. I confronted him about it and it turned out that it was just spam and he proved it to me by logging in and showing me that the last activity was a month before he met me. I was really happy he handled my crazy girl side so gracefully. I wasn't in the right but it felt good to know that we can be open about anything that bothers either of us.
Communication Resolves Issues
GiphyThis is the best kind of update!!!
My friend recently messaged me to let me know she had come across my BF's profile on Bumble, she had been cheated on by her fiancée so she's really sensitive about these things. I knew it was probably nothing, but there's always that voice.
BF was out of the country at the time (even weirder that his profile was showing up!), I debated waiting for him to come back (where the small voice might become a louder voice), or just saying it to him via text (where I can't read his facial expression / tone of voice). I did end up just messaging him, he knows I have a touch of anxiety so I told him I knew it was likely nothing but just needed to raise it with him to shut that voice up. He reassured me that he just hadn't deactivated account and that he's not using it or any other dating apps, where we live or abroad. He said he wasn't bothered to reinstall the app just to deactivate it, unless I really wanted him to, I'm not that fussed.
He travels a lot for work, before his next trip we were out for dinner, I made a joke about it and told him I wouldn't accuse him of cheating on me this time, he took out his phone, placed it in front of me and said *"Anytime you want to check, just let me know."*
Who knew communication resolves issues in relationships!?
Tricks Instead Of Communication
GiphyI'm not trying to be mean but make sure you have everything mentally in order before you get married. By your own admission you have some stuff to work through. And it puts a lot of strain on a marriage if the people in it don't trust each other and use tricks instead of communication.
H/T: Reddit
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.