Being cheated on sucks. What a lot of people don't realize, though, is that it can suck for longer than just that moment, that incident, or even that relationship. Cheating can leave a lasting wound and sow the kinds of trust issues that follow us around for ages. One Reddit user was battling that insecurity from a past relationship when her current fiance started acting more distant. She said she was feeling "really insecure with his change in behavior" even though he gave a valid reason for it. She couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so she created fake profiles on popular dating sites to see if she could find him.
She did. So she turned to Reddit for help.
We'll let her explain:
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half, we moved in with one another a few months ago. Lately he has been a bit distant. I've been cheated on in the past and have been really insecure with his change in behavior. He has assured me he is just stressed about work and because his car broke down a couple weeks ago and he hasn't gotten a replacement yet.
I couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so I did a little investigating. I didn't snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st.
I don't know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?
I feel like I am a wreck right now
Buckle up, guys. You're about to go on a roller coaster of a ride with these responses and updates. Some have been edited for language or clarity.
Got popcorn? Let's do this.
Don't marry someone who is still out there "dating" unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he'll say, "it belongs to a friend", "it was just a joke", "I forgot I even had it".
Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.
This Is RidiculousGiphy
If you don't trust him to the point of going online and creating a fake profile to see if he's on there, and then plan on talking to him through the fake profile to see if he's actually using it, then you're definitely in no position to marry him and you should save yourself the time and ridiculousness and break up.
Catfishing Will Help Her?Giphy
Honestly, the other reason I can think of for op to do it is to help her break away from him. Successfully catfishing him would maybe make her more definite about the breakup, and make it psychologically easier to process (more concrete proof he's bad = easier to let go of, depending on your personality... Although for other people it'd backfire because knowing your SO could hurt you that badly would mess them up.)
If I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I've been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.
So what did I do? Immediately notified my partner and showed him the emails and asked if he was comfortable with me logging in to see what was up. I did and yup, account had been hacked. In another relationship before we both had our POF accounts suddenly reactivate as well. Dating sites are weird.
So it's possible he was hacked or it got randomly reactivated. But what would be inexcusable is not telling your partner...my first instinct this week wasn't to just go and quietly sort my profile hacking out without notifying my partner....my first instinct was to be open and transparent with the truth. And he was like "huh. Weird. Go do whatever you need to do."
So if he's not cheating them he still has a loooooot of work to do to be an open, honest and transparent partner.
Be An AdultGiphy
Don't catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let's be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.
Definitely catfish this to make sure. It's too easy to explain away the active account as "being hacked" -- that's the standard excuse.
On the other hand, I did something completely innocent once that looked shady; I'd been in a relationship with someone for a few months and she got upset/concerned because she'd noticed my POF account was showing as recently active. It was, but I'd logged in once to try and delete the account, then quickly gave up looking for the option. She was OK with the explanation, but I also evidence to prove I'd sent polite "thanks for chatting but I've met someone, bye" messages to 3 or 4 women a month or so prior. I understood why it looked shady though, and was happy to provide proof if she asked for it.
Basically, these things can happen, but don't just take people at their word if you can get proof. If your BF is guilty, he's not going to hold up his hands and say, "yes, you caught me."
Assuming The WorstGiphy
Here's some possible perspective that I might give you.
I met my wife on OkCupid. 2 years in of dating I noticed I hadn't deactivated my account. I logged into it, laughed about the in retrospect cringey shit I wrote in there to try and land a date. I had grown a lot in 2 years. Signed out.
If my wife had seen that I logged in, man, she might have been pretty damn concerned.
A few weeks later I thought, huh, worst case scenario is kinda bad, she might see I still have this. I deactivated it and told her I deactivated it and laughed about the cringey shit I had in there, and laughed about my imagining a paranoid scenario where she would snoop on me and confront me.
Just don't assume the worst of your partner. Has he given you any real reason to?
That being said, you are free to test him out. Ask a friend he doesn't know to hit him up and see how he responds is my idea. That way you can put all this to rest. However, you run the risk of being wrong if you do this. If he finds out you secretly snooped, didn't ask him directly, asked a friend to do this stuff, etc... It shows you don't trust him, and for me personally if they can't trust me, there can't be a relationship in the first place.
Because That Would Be CrazyGiphy
OP, I hope you don't catfish because that would be crazy. Just talk to your fiancé, and if you feel you can't trust him after that then break off the engagement. You are planning on marrying this man, and you need to know how to properly communicate and trust your partner without going behind their back and playing games.
It's hard since you have been lied to and cheated on before, but that's it's even more important that you're able to be with someone that you can trust.
And if he doesn't bite the bait, what will you do? Pretend it didn't happen? You've already made a fake profile and looked for him... from his side, that would sound some pretty big alarms.
Aren't you overreacting just a bit here? Just tell him what you found. Although it doesn't bode well that you can't just share your feelings.
The Plan Of A 14-year-oldGiphy
Obviously you shouldn't try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl.
If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature adult woman.
UPDATE: Now It's An International IncidentGiphy
After reading some responses and suggestions, the girl decided her best course of action was to try and catfish her man rather than talk to him. She couldn't be sure it was him using the profile, so she felt like she needed to catch him in action. She enlisted the help of an old friend who lived in a different country and whose pictures the suspected-cheater had never seen. The friend cleared things with her man and our leading lady got to work creating the profile to try and catch her man.
In Her Own WordsGiphy
Thank you everyone. Further investigating is leading me to believe that it is an older profile. The pics aren't recent and I can positively date 8/9 of them to before our relationship the last I am not sure on the date. I think that means a hacking/signing in to try and delete the thing scenarios a little more plausible. I don't think that in itself is enough to break up over... So I guess it is time to either confront or catfish. People here are kinda split on it, but I took the advice to catfish. I need to know for sure. Will update when/if anything comes of it. I texted an old HS friend he has never seen pics of to ask if I could use hers for my profile...
So off goes our leading lady creating fake profiles to try to catch her man cheating. She spent a while making the perfect profile using her international friends pictures, then fired off a message to her man. When she didn't get a response she logged back on to the site to see if he had even read the message. That's when she discovered his profile was now deleted.
She had no choice left but to confront him or let the unanswered question eat her alive. She opted to confront.
ANOTHER UPDATE: "Clearly My Fake Account"Giphy
I posted a few days ago because I found my fiance on an online dating site. I took reddit's advice and catfished him...
A few hours after I set the bait, I found that his profile had been deleted.
When he came home from work I showed him the screen shot and asked him what was up.
Long story short, He was hanging out with his coworker and the coworker was frustrated with figuring out how to navigate the ame dating site. My fiance signed into his old account (opened in 2013) to try to help his friend figure it out. Apparently a lot had changed on this particular site and he realized that his knowledge on the site was too out of date so he logged out and that was it. A few days later he saw in his email that he had gotten a message from a woman on the site and he then deleted his account.
He obviously couldn't show me his dating site account, but he did volunteer to show me his email account with all the alerts from the site, the only woman that had messaged him recently was clearly my fake account. He also realized when we were looking through his email that he had an unused old profile on another dating site, he signed in and deleted that one in front of me.
I fessed up about catfishing him. He wasn't upset at all. Said he understood completely considering my history and that I have been in therapy for trust issues for years. He was more upset with himself for not realizing that his behavior would make me so insecure.
I apologized for not trusting him and catfishing. He apologized for being so distant lately and not deleting his dating profiles ages ago.
He offered an open phone/social media/email policy between us, in case we ever stumble across another "trust but verify" type of situation.
The responses to her update were ... um ... interesting.
Save Your SanityGiphy
Sweet baby lord Jesus a lot of people on this thread need therapy. OP, save your sanity and delete these threads.
Six Months TopsGiphy
"Life is good," but you're so insecure you can't trust your boyfriend enough to have an adult conversation about this and instead go straight to catfishing?
I not only give this relationship six months tops, unless you start handling problems in a healthy way, this kind of situation will keep happening.
Before Considering MarriageGiphy
Yeah I was on OP's side but now they both seem dysfunctional. Like how did she know which dating site he was on, there are so many! And I'm sure the boyfriend had a back up story ready, maybe because OP has trust issues. Now they have a marriage date set?
They both need to work on their relationship and trust issues before considering marriage. Not a boat any of us would like to be on.
"Handled My Crazy Girl Side With Grace"Giphy
Super relieved to hear this. Sometimes communication is best. I agree that it is okay to do a little snooping because you want to be smart enough not to fall for bs or be blind to deception. But it is also good when your partner can talk to you so openly and you can work things out and get through a misunderstanding. So happy for you! I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. We met on a dating site and a few months ago we were a little distant because of stress and him finishing school. I got insecure and went through his phone and found dating app messages. I confronted him about it and it turned out that it was just spam and he proved it to me by logging in and showing me that the last activity was a month before he met me. I was really happy he handled my crazy girl side so gracefully. I wasn't in the right but it felt good to know that we can be open about anything that bothers either of us.
Communication Resolves IssuesGiphy
This is the best kind of update!!!
My friend recently messaged me to let me know she had come across my BF's profile on Bumble, she had been cheated on by her fiancée so she's really sensitive about these things. I knew it was probably nothing, but there's always that voice.
BF was out of the country at the time (even weirder that his profile was showing up!), I debated waiting for him to come back (where the small voice might become a louder voice), or just saying it to him via text (where I can't read his facial expression / tone of voice). I did end up just messaging him, he knows I have a touch of anxiety so I told him I knew it was likely nothing but just needed to raise it with him to shut that voice up. He reassured me that he just hadn't deactivated account and that he's not using it or any other dating apps, where we live or abroad. He said he wasn't bothered to reinstall the app just to deactivate it, unless I really wanted him to, I'm not that fussed.
He travels a lot for work, before his next trip we were out for dinner, I made a joke about it and told him I wouldn't accuse him of cheating on me this time, he took out his phone, placed it in front of me and said *"Anytime you want to check, just let me know."*
Who knew communication resolves issues in relationships!?
Tricks Instead Of CommunicationGiphy
I'm not trying to be mean but make sure you have everything mentally in order before you get married. By your own admission you have some stuff to work through. And it puts a lot of strain on a marriage if the people in it don't trust each other and use tricks instead of communication.
In movies and TV, a character who is portrayed as highly intellectual has visible signifiers.
In real life, however, a person with a high IQ is not as easily identified by common Hollywood stereotypes of smart people.
"What is a subtle sign that someone is really intelligent?"
The minds of really smart individuals never stop working.
"They draw wisdom from multiple sources. Wait but that might be more wise than intelligent... But I guess those two tend to be seen together a lot."
"They are curious about everything."
"To be intelligent you need to be knowledgeable and you cant be knowledgeable if you are never curious."
The way highly intelligent people interact with others is slightly different.
"They can switch up the way they talk to match the person they're talking to without sounding condescending. They listen to how others learn and explain it in that person's language of understanding."
Talking On Level Ground
"Talking to people as if they're intelligent at their level and without being condescending or even letting on that it's lower than their level."
"I used to work with a doctor - Tom Howard - and the day I realized he was a genius was the time he guessed every single condition a patient of mine had based on minute piece of information about him."
The Humble Professor
"No joke. The smartest professor I had in engineering school was also the most humble. She was an astounding human being. By week 2, she knew everyone's names by heart in the intro engineering course. In College. With like 180 students. Later, in upper division classes, people would occasionally ask some really stupid questions."
"Like, it happens... you get so deep into some fluid mechanics derivation or something you forget something really basic. People would ask a question like this and everyone would be thinking like; 'Wow, how did you even make it this far?' but then... it's like she would spot the flaw in their understanding so perfectly, and then respond with such clarity and wisdom that the person asking the question would look less stupid and the whole class would be enlightened."
"And here's the thing... I pride myself on being really good at that exact skill. I tutored a lot of people. I was easily one of the brightest amongst my peers. But that woman was on another level. It was mind-blowing."
"And it wasn't just her intelligence, but her organizational skills, discipline, consistency.... And yet... she was so humble. She was quiet and physically quite small. But she just exuded competence and immediately commanded every room she walked into. I've never seen anything quite like it."
A Positive Effect
"When they explain something they make you feel intelligent."
When In Doubt
"They know when their knowledge ends and say something to the extent of 'I don't know and anything else i say on this topic is ignorant speculation.'"
Some with impressive IQs may deal with questions in the following ways.
Reaction To Delayed Responses
"'You really think about everything don't you?' - a doctor, to me, after he asked me a question and I took longer than 2 seconds to answer it."
"No, I just pull something out of my @ss every time and those extra seconds you waited for me to answer were purely to irritate you for my own enjoyment."
The Really Good Questions
"They can ask really good questions."
"Edit: to anyone not understanding what mean, I’m talking about people who ask 'really good questions,' not just any questions, really good ones. I don’t know how one would achieve this skill(I know I haven’t)."
"They spend time thinking before asking a question."
"Some of the smartest people don’t comment at all."
I agree with many of the comments saying a really intelligent person knows how to cater the conversation towards another person's level of understanding.
They do have the impressive skill to convey something in a way that can easily be understood. Some of the most venerated professors at my university were like this, and their classes were always the hardest to get in to.
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There are roughly 7 billion people on earth so being the top 1% of anything sounds like it might be an incredible honor.
Maybe you've received an award or a certification that only a few people have gotten. Or maybe you have a rare disease, which doesn't sound as fun.
We went to Ask Reddit to find the people who are in a top 1% of people.
Redditor I_Love_Small_Breasts asked:
"What are you in the 1% of?"
Here's some of the rare groups people are apart of or things they experience.
Could be totally great or totally inconvenient.
"If I shake my head in a certain way, I can give myself an orgasm. Never met anyone who can do that."
"Wow that sounds incredibly inconvenient."
"'Shaking my head' has a whole new meaning now. Damn."
Survived a flesh eating bacteria.
"Survived flesh eating bacteria in the bloodstream after sepsis. Most people die within 3 days."
"Had MRSA and sepsis because of an open wound on my left foot. Thing is a nurse was treating the wound with Santyl and it was fully bandaged at all times. The nurse changed the dressings 3 times a week but I still ended up in the hospital with antibiotics IV'd into each arm plus oral antibiotics. Spent 15 days in ICU having all my organs sonogramed for signs of the infection spreading. X-rays and MRI's to check for bone infections and when they released me I had to wear a wound vac pump for 2 months to seal the wound on my foot."
"I can stop my hiccups on command."
"There’s a superpower for sure."
This is way less than 1%
"I am one of only 1300 board certified Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners for the adult and adolescent population. In the world."
"I'm unsettled by how small that number is."
"To be fair, there are more SANE nurses, meaning nurses who take care of these patients and are qualified to do so. Being board certified just means I took an extra step after I reached a qualifying time to take a test to prove it. I’m actually up for renewal. At the time I first tested, I was one of something like 1100."
"Still, even knowing that, there aren’t enough SANEs or FNEs overall."
"I’m naturally ambidextrous. Apparently that’s something only 1% of people naturally are. I can use both right and left hands ably for any task. For example, I often switch which hand I write with based on how I’m sitting."
"It’s worth noting natural ambidexterity is not the same as learned or acquired ambidexterity. For example, left handed people often have to use things designed for right handed people but otherwise are left handed."
"I’m of the .002% of people with osteopoikilosis. This freaked the sh*t out of me because when I was diagnosed the first thing the doctor said was 'wow I’ve never seen this in anything but textbooks before.'"
"Basically, I have bones growing inside my bones. It’s not anything I should be worried about, at least for a while, so that’s nice."
How many people can say this?
"I've represented my country in the Paralympic games."
"That’s a really nice one! Which specialty?"
"Volleyball for Great Britain in the 1996 games in Atlanta."
"Not me but my dad."
"He was born with a backwards heart and didn’t find out till his heart attack a few years ago and it actually saved his life."
"His doctor later told him that after being a doctor for over 30 years he’d never seen someone with a backwards heart and that apparently 1% of people on the planet have it."
"I am diagnosed with Visual snow syndrome. Basically seeing through static. It may not be rare as thought but I am one of very few people to be formally diagnosed."
"Same! I figured it out when people didn’t see the static and I heard it mentioned! Used to think I was seeing molecules when I was a little kid haha."
HIV resistant gene mutation.
"I have a double gene mutation that makes me highly resistant or even immune to the HIV virus."
"Can doctors use your blood to help those with HIV?"
"I have the same mutation and I've donated samples towards research. I got an email last year about vaccine hopes but I'm not sure where it went."
There are some incredible people out there in the world, and thankfully the internet is bringing them all together.
It's fascinating to see how diverse humans really are.
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How you approach life's many trials and tribulations can say a lot about who you are. However, many of us don't necessarily learn some lessons so easily.
Life is complicated. It's messy. Few, if any things, go according to plan. On top of that, sometimes the way we handle our relationships or our obligations might not be the most healthy one.
You live, you learn... or so the saying goes.
People shared their stories after Redditor ryanblumenow asked the online community,
"What did you learn at great personal cost?"
"I broke three..."
"Never trust a ladder set up by someone else. I broke three of my lumbar vertebrae. Thankfully I recovered fully, but damn was that scary. I also bit through my lower lip. I have a nice scar as a memento."
This is terrifying. Glad you're still alive–that you healed is miraculous!
"Even if you work your hardest..."
"Even if you work your hardest, do everything right, and are a great employee… you may still be seen as expendable."
This is true. Your company will never be loyal to you. Don't bend over backwards. Do your job–don't sell your soul.
"That you need to be careful..."
"That you need to be careful what you put up with as it teaches people how to treat you. I lost a lot of 'friends' once I started to set boundaries."
This is very true. I can relate: I definitely lost a few so-called "friends" the second I began standing up for myself.
"This goes for all relationships..."
"Don't listen to what people say, but what they do. This goes for all relationships, both professional and personal."
Amen to that. It's a cliche, but actions absolutely do speak louder than words.
"Family can be just as toxic..."
"Family can be just as toxic for you as anyone else. Sometimes it's best to cut them out."
Ain't that the truth.
Are we trading toxic family stories now?
"If someone gets upset..."
"If someone gets upset at you for trying to establish boundaries with them, it's not you being mean or unreasonable, it's them not caring about your happiness."
This is spot on. Don't trust people who violate your boundaries. Your gut won't lie to you, not about this.
"You can't convince them."
"You cannot, even subtly, force someone to love you. You can't convince them. They either do or they don't, and it's on you to decide what to do with that unchangeable position in mind."
I feel like many people go through their 20s without learning this.
Not that I know anything about this... or anything like that.
"Just because you try to be a good friend..."
"That people aren't always your friend. Gaslighting is real. Just because you try to be a good person doesn't mean good things will happen to you."
Very true. Be very careful about what you put out there. Not everyone has good intentions, though this is not in anyway meant to imply that the world is terrible.
It isn't. Just be judicious.
"You can accomplish..."
"You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Doesn't mean you should. Everything will cost more than you anticipate in ways you can't imagine."
That's a poetic way to put it! Spot on. Everything costs something, even your success.
"That you don't have to run off and get married. A marriage that only lasted one year cost me more than $10K. Life is not a race and you don't need to be married by a certain point or at all for that matter."
"Be patient, make yourself available, gravitate to those who understand you the most."
Awful. It sounds like you have peace of mind now, however, which is priceless.
Don't be so hard on yourself, by the way. We all learn at our own pace.
Here's a tip before we go: Your education is never complete. Life always something to teach you, so just accept it, be open to it, and go in grace.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Is there anyone who loved high school?
High school is a disaster. That is true for like... 95% of us.
it's like being branded. "I survived high school because of this!!"
The past is never really past, is it? What did you see?
Redditor HelloProxima wanted to go back and visit the teenage years, by asking:
"What is the most f**ked up thing that happened in your high school?"
I'm on the fence about high school. I want to hate it, but nostalgia haunts me. I saw a lot of violence, there is that.
We were on CNN.don lemon nodding GIF by Red Table TalkGiphy
"They started charging us for ketchup in the cafeteria. Most of the school boycotted cafeteria lunch and brought all manner of condiments from home. We were on CNN. They eventually caved." ~ Ash3Monti
No one liked him.
"I was big into drama club and musical theatre when I was in high school. There was a girl in the drama club in her freshmen or sophomore year who was super nice and everyone loved her. Her older brother on the the other hand, was a complete and total douchebag. No one liked him."
"He always made inappropriate comments or jokes and no one liked to be around him. One night, he was driving him and his sister back from school when he took a steep curve going around 100 mph. He lost control and hit a telephone pole. His sister died instantly and he was in a coma for a few weeks but ultimately survived."
"Myself and my friends in the drama club were devastated. She was one of the sweetest girls you'll ever met and we all loved her. A year or two later, the brother messages my sister and tries to use his sister's death as leverage to get laid. F**k you, you piece of crap." ~ FearTheKeflex
"Guidance counselor was taking bribes to change grades (Both money and sexual favors). Invited one male student over to his house. Had the student tie him up and hang him by chains in his basement "dungeon." Student was homophobic and while the counselor was tied up, bludgeoned him to death." ~ monthos
"This is not that extreme, but it's still disgusting. We have drinking water taps instead of fountains. One parent was suspicious of whether they were cleaning the tanks or not. So they made an announcement that the tank was being cleaned every single day."
"A lot of us didn't believe it, so a group of boys decided to see for themselves if it was true or not. So they put a dead frog in the tank when there was no one around. I don't even know where they found the frog but they swear they didn't kill it. Anyway the frog was there for a few weeks. And obviously the water started tasting weird."
"After the teachers got multiple complaints, they opened the tank and found the frog. The boys were punished, but they fired back with the fact that they lied about cleaning the tanks. They were still punished, because they proved it in a disgusting way. They could've put literally anything in the tank, but they chose a dead frog." ~ R00mTemperature
The QuadAcds2 Look Away GIF by Anime Crimes DivisionGiphy
"A worker doing stuff on the roof. He fell off. Landed in the 'quad' at lunch. A large piece of machinery fell and squished his head. Like a cartoon, only funny. Like 150 Kids saw this." ~ LordInventus
"The Latin kings gang threatened my cousin and his friends and they had 10 squad cars guarding the whole school and dismissed us the same day early." ~ Terrykrinkle
“it’s gonna blow”
"I had just moved in from Egypt to the states in my senior year of high school. A teacher thought it would be funny to fold a bunch of papers and wrap them in duck tape to make it look like a bomb and threw it my direction and went under his desk saying 'it’s gonna blow.' Everybody started laughing and I was so clueless then I just laughed along. It infuriates me to this day that I didn’t call him out on it or report him." ~ ezzabousaif
"Someone somehow made a bomb threat on a Swedish fish candy. Like one single piece. I don’t know how it happened but he got arrested." ~ ts_13_
"A couple weeks before graduation, this kid hacked into the school system and put a Hitler quote and a Boston bomber reference in the senior quotes for the yearbook. One of the affected parties was a trans girl, and we're still not sure if it was a targeted act because of that."
"Administration didn't find out until the entire senior class had received their books. Some people turned theirs in to get their pages replaced, but some kept it because it was a 'limited edition item' or some stupid sh*t like that. Kid got arrested and charged with cybercrime, since he hacked everyone in our school system's school passwords."
"He was so close to graduating too, but got expelled like two weeks before he could. Looked like a rat too. It was all over the news, and everyone in the state of CT basically knows about this now. Got out on bail for $5000." ~ kocorpsie
Good God!Season 3 What GIF by On My BlockGiphy
"We had a huge fight happen in the girls bathroom."
"Apparently one student brought drugs to school and was selling it to her friends. A completely unrelated student caught on and stole the drugs while everyone else was in class. She was caught snorting the drugs in the bathroom by the group selling the drugs and got the crap beat out of her."
"We also had a recently graduated student murder his parents for insurance money . He hid the bodies in a chicken coop and told everybody they were on vacation. It wasn't until 7 months later the bodies were found by the landlord because the rent was late." ~ randomgenericcow
Enjoy high school, at least try too. Maybe if more kids do that, it wouldn't be so insane.
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