In 2017 I was briefly famous in Nigeria, a country I have never been to and know very little about. In a series of events that I would absolutely not believe if I had not lived them, I ended up accused of plucking my left eye out to gain entry into the Illuminati.
Thing is, only people in Nigeria seemed to care about my penchant for blinding myself - because literally nobody knows who I am so why would the Illuminati want me and why would anyone care? The Illuminati version of the story didn't pick up traction anywhere else, but in Nigeria I was people's favorite bit of conspiracy theory evidence for a while there. This whole situation was surreal.
Evidently in one of the iterations of my eye-loss story (which is truthfully wild enough without the Illuminati, thanks) a creative and enthusiastic writer decided to tell their readers that I was a Nigerian socialite and that's why the Illuminati was even interested in the first place. Other local outlets ran with that version of events.
Fast forward a few weeks and I started getting messages from people I had never met accusing me of being in the Illuminati. One person told me God would punish me for "plucking your eye out just so you can partake in eating babies."
So yeah, the weirdest thing I've ever been accused of is plucking my eye out so I could chow down on some people mcnuggets.
Think Reddit can find a weirder thing someone's been accused of? Let's find out.
Mommy Issues
My mom accused me of stealing her boyfriend from her even though she knows I'm straight, I'm a guy and in a relationship. Also, I don't know why she thinks I would steal her partners. 😐
My mom hates it that most of her boyfriends like to hang out with me since I'm a social butterfly and treat them like human beings and not like toys, like my mom. Her mentality is "Men were created to be a woman's slave."
When they break up with her, most of them send me text messages on thanking me to help them get out away from her. I still talk to my mom's ex's and they are in better relationships.
My mom thinks that I stole her boyfriends to make them fall in love with me and then brainwashed them to breakup with her. (Yeah don't know where that idea came from)
She even thinks that my girlfriend is a 'Cover Up' on the fact that I'm gay and trying to act straight and she is really determined that I'm gay!
Mom: You can just stop pretending to be straight and admit that you are a Man-whore who steals women's men.
Me: Rolling my eyes for the 100 time I'm not gay and it's your Fault that you can't be a decent human being with good morals.
Mom: How dare you say I'm ugly?!
Me: You said that not me.
Mom: Stop acting straight and admit you are a man-whore!! whining
Me: No, it's not my fault that I treat your ex's better than you can!!
It went on and on until I have to leave the house and go to my Girlfriends and she was laughing the whole time,she said that most parents want their kids to be straight but my mom wants me to be gay to not admit SHE was the problem of men and not someone else 'seducing' them! Lol
Islamaphobic Against Furries
I was accused of being Islamaphobic against furries for asking them to stop posting graphic pornography to the house group chat.
Their argument had something to do with fur suits and burkas and them being f*cking insane.
$6.66
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Being a child devil worshipper.
When I was about 9 or 10, I rode my bike the store to get candy or something, at the register my total came out to $6.66.
The cashier lady started screaming at me to buy something else quickly. I was confused in the moment and said I didn't want or need anything else. She said I better buy something else because I must be a devil worshipper to make the numbers come up like that. It's such vivid memory because it was so weird, and I was too young to stand up for myself or argue back.
Not to mention, this happened in like a nice, large progressive suburban area, not a Midwest small town or anything...
Cancer Wings
A lady once accused me of giving her family cancer because her honey BBQ chicken wings were slightly blackened on the bottom, cause you know, sugar burns. She had me remake them a few times and the only way I was able to get them to not blacken was to soak the bottom of the pan in Pam. Absurd.
Crohn's And Terrorism
Making a terrorist threat.
A company wanted to fire me due to a disability I have, even though it didn't interfere with me doing my job in anyway. I just was skewing the insurance usage charts. When they realized I was never going to give them a legitimate reason to fire me, they came up with that.
Just so you know, I was a Vice President at a major insurance company, and was a highly compensated employee. None of that meant anything. Oh, and they were a health carrier, so the accessed my medical records too.
I have Crohn's Disease. My medication costs around $300,000 a year. They were self insured. They tried to specifically exclude my medication, and I lawyered up. It was a matter of time.
And yes, I successfully sued them for a substantial amount of money.
Just Racist
My roommate's boyfriend, who ended up moving in with us, accused my friend of stealing my roommate's pet snake. My friend had only been at our place once and she lived at the college dorms. So he accused her of sneaking a ball python up her sleeve and secretly keeping it in her dorm room.
Turns out this guy was a racist piece of sht. The only other black person who stepped foot in our house, another one of my friends, he accused of stealing his cigarettes. This friend DOES NOT even smoke.
- CandaF
Cocoa Puffs
Calling a black kid Cocoa Puffs in 4th grade. The kid didn't like me so he completely made it up, and keep in mind I had a very very anti-racist mindset growing up. The teacher pulled me outside and forced me to confess because she wasn't having any "he made it up."
Also, I'm from Romania and when I went there over the summer, I saw how poorly Gypsies were treated by everyone else and I suddenly gained a more nuanced view on race.
I don't know how but it still bothers me today and I am very sensitive to false accusations when I see them.
Physically Incapable
Weirdest and the most hurtful; my best friend of 4 years accused me of having sexual relations with her brother. For some reasons I'd rather not get into details on, I physically could not do what she was accusing me of. She knew that, as well.
But our friendship was seeming to turn toxic (both at fault for that) and we weren't getting along well. I feel like it could have possibly been the last plea from her to remove herself from the friendship, but to take it to that extremity was absolutely not okay.
She told her parents, my mom, and her other friends. After threats to take me to court, my mom stepped up and talked to hers, giving doctoral proof that I could not have possibly performed anything that was said.
Still upsets me to this day that things were taken so out of hand and that anyone who knows me could think that I would do such a thing at that.
Assault With A Dairy Weapon
At a coffee shop I worked at my boss came up to me one day and straight up asked me if I threw a jug of milk at a customer. He told me he knew it was very unlikely, but apparently somebody complained that I'd basically assaulted them so he had to check.
That was definitely a weird one.
Because It Was True
I worked at a bar when I was 19. The creepy owner accused me of gossiping about him and another waitress. Apparently I started a rumor they had an affair (he was married).
I heard the rumor, but didn't start it. It started on its own, because it was true. He left his wife a year later.
Super Hidden Stash
My aunt accused me of stealing her and her husband's pot. When she found it, she accused me of being a bad mom and not keeping an eye on my kids because they must've found it and moved it.
No stupid, your stoned self didn't remember where you hid it.
3 Weeks Ago
OMFG I met a girl recently who had a huge paranoia problem and accuses people of strange stuff all the time. Even me and we just met!
First of all I just accepted her on Facebook and she went over ALL of my friends profiles to come at me and ask me if I approve of my cousins FB post, she was scandalized so I went to check. It was just a Halloween picture with fake blood and shit so I said "You think Halloween is disrespectful to the dead?"
NO. She thought my cousin committed actual murder and posted it on Facebook lol
Then when we were chatting online before we met in real life she accused me of trying to trick her. She believed that I was 2 people taking turns talking to her and that it was not really me talking sometimes.
She then thought I disappeared because I didn't text her back one entire morning (Like yea I'm working) and proceeded to call the police
All of this, we met 3 weeks ago 😂
Drugged In Quebec
Not the accused, but the accuser. On an 8th grade trip to Quebec, we had to sleep on the bus, and I got very little. The next day, I was understandably exhausted.
At one point I accidentally dozed off and took a nap as we were moving (I rarely, if ever, take naps as they are disorienting for me) and when I woke up, we had gotten to a stop for lunch. I was so woozy, that I could barely process the world around me, and somehow I convinced myself that someone had somehow drugged me.
So I began accusing my friends (and enemies) of drugging me. It took me awhile for me to calm down and listen to reason, and even when I got to that point, I was still really out of it. It was truly the most bizarre thing that happened that trip.
Poo, A Wallet, and The Police
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I was once accused of stealing a girl's wallet because I had bad diarrhea. Let me explain.
I was about 16. I had a sudden attack of the runs and had to go real bad. We've all been there, right? I was in the city center in my town at night, and the only place open for me to use a toilet was the single public toilet near the bus interchange. I was sitting there, minding my own business, in a bit of bowel pain with really bad runs when I heard a bang on the door and a girl's voice asking me if I could see a wallet anywhere. I mean, I was kind of distracted by the pain of my pooping at the time, but I did my best to look around and I yelled out that there was no wallet anywhere I could see. Well, guys, she didn't believe me.
She insisted that I let her in to look for her wallet, and I said, "Sure, when I'm done." Then she asked me why it was taking me so long. I was like, "I'm using the toilet still!" I didn't want to go into detail. I began to hear a rising set of voices outside. She started yelling at me that she knew I'd stolen her wallet because otherwise why was I spending so much time in the toilet? I was annoyed, but it's not like there was anything I could do about it.
When I was finally done with the awful poop-attack and opened up the door, there was a crowd gathered outside and a police officer. The police officer then proceeded to question me about the whereabouts of this young lady's wallet. I was a bit freaked out, of course, being 16 and accused suddenly of a crime I didn't commit. The police officer turned to the young woman and asked her name. The girl told her and the officer made a really annoyed sigh and said, "We have your wallet back at the station. Come with me." The girl turned on her heel, without an apology to me and I never saw her again. But I remember her name, 25 years later. And if I ever run into her again, I'm gonna... probably do nothing.
Real Life GTA
When I was in high school, around 16 years old, an older kid showed up at my door one day after school and accused me of stealing his car stereo and threatening me if I didn't give it back. I knew jack sht about car stereos or how to remove them from a car.
Over the next month or so I saw a steady chain of people accusing me of stealing their car audio stuff. To this day I don't understand how I became associated with this string of thefts. It was crazy how it snowballed.
Eventually another kid from our school was caught by police with an entire garage full of the stuff.
Salt And Pepper
My dad has a terrible memory and misplaces things constantly. There were a solid couple of years right after I moved out, that he was convinced that I was coming into their house while no one was home, just to move the salt and pepper shakers around so he wouldn't be able to find them. Like he was telling everyone that I was doing this, apparently just out of spite for him. I can confirm that I did not do this ever. I have no idea why he specifically thought I was doing such a strangely specific, and petty thing.
Cat Lover
In high school a girl on the bus asked me why I let a cat eat tuna out of my vagina (I didn't) I was so shocked by the question I thought I misheard her.
I was really young had not even considered that was a thing that could be done - but because my initial reaction was that of being dumbstruck it seemed to confirm that I had done this. Thankfully this rumor was so ludicrous it didn't stick....or at least I think it didn't, no one ever asked me about it again.
Unarmed And Hatless
Had armed police come to my home after reports of a little girl said a man was aiming a gun out the window. The girl was adamant that he was wearing a hat.
I don't own any hats or guns and despite those facts the police and the girls mom wanted to go nuts at me. The little girl was even saying it wasn't me. I had also only just got home about ten minutes prior.
Thankfully everything ended well for me but was a terrifying experience.
- Fox_
Hate Crimes And Dog Poo
Got accused of a hate crime, but it ended up being the person doing it to themselves.
They told our building management that they saw me bleaching a swastika on the carpet in front of their apartment a floor above me. I was at work during the time she claimed it was me. I'd never seen her before in my life and have no idea why I was singled out. Well, I have a SMALL inkling... I'd written a letter to our superintendent because the people above us used to let their dog do their business, number one and two, on their patio because they were too lazy to bring the dog outside.
I'd been leaning on the rail and had a stream of dog piss pour down on me one day. I should have gone upstairs and banged on the door, but I did the civil thing and wrote a written complaint to the neighbors. A few days later, we found dog shit out there. So I went to the supers with it. They must have then given an official warning to the offenders about it. So I guess they knew who ratted them out, from the first letter. But it was signed "Your Neighbors on the 12th floor" and there were 4 of us living in the place at the time, so I still don't know why they picked me specifically.
So yeah, when the woman went to the supers a while later to accuse me of bleaching a swastika in their carpet, she described me to the super, who then understood which of me and my roommates they were going to question. The woman had said she watched me through the peep-hole in her door as I "burned the swastika into the floor."
As I said before, I'd been at work the whole time. Super told one of the roommates about it, he came to get me at work and we went to the cops.
Turns out that she'd accused others over the years of various hate crimes and that every time it happened, the conclusion was that she was doing it herself for attention. The people she picked was arbitrary, except for this time. She did it because I didn't like dealing with her dog's... leavings.
The cops laughed about it, which was fine, because I knew they understood that I'd done nothing wrong. They told me that if she ever gave us problems again, to call them first. We ended up moving to a much higher floor.
For the record, I still have no idea what those people even look like. That was about 2004-5 so the dog's probably long gone at this point, I guess.
Appliance Repair
After a lengthy and angry harangue in which she accused me of holding her washing machine without repairing it, I eventually managed to convince a wrong-number caller that I was not the appliance repair technician. Without missing a beat, she asked me, "Well then why are you answering their phone?"
I gently placed the phone back in the cradle. What else could I do?
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When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
Disney World GIF
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.