Oh Granny. 

Not butt, but once my grandmother, a life long alcoholic, forgot she had a tampon in and inserted another, jamming the first one up incredibly far.

She tried to get my poor grandfather, a man with zero training, to remove it. Even with a flash light and tweezers, he couldn't do it.

They went to the ER. Doctor said my grandfather futzing around her area had caused extra, unnecessary trauma.

I know this because toward the end of her life, she had dementia and she told us all sorts of weird stuff. She told this particular story in a fancy restaurant in front of most of our family and a mortified waiter.

R.I.P., Grandma. I miss your insane stories.

Edit: Thanks for the train award! Happy holidays to everyone! entomofile

"We've found Ken!"

Not my story, my friend is a radiographer. A guy came into the hospital with Barbie dolls up his butt. After scans, One came out without too much issue, but the other was too far up. They were worried that if it was pulled out, it's arms would open and puncture the bowel. So they scheduled surgery, the x-ray staff waiting excitedly for news... The surgeon then returned and with a serious voice announced: "We've found Ken!"

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO TO YOUR DOCTOR

Not a surgeon but, wowie wowie, do I know a LOT of cases involving "falling" on things and other such excuses. Here are just some of the things I know:

• A Buzz Lightyear action figure.
• A Barbie doll.
• Plaster of Paris (they wanted a mold of his colon. Instead, it had to be cut open as it was glued shut by the plaster)
• Glasses (the sight kind)
• Jewelry (mostly necklaces)
• A cucumber which, after proclaiming he fell over in the Garden naked and landed on his cucumber patch, STILL HAD THE TESCO WRAPPER ON IT.
• A light bulb.

Finally, on a rather dark note, if you're a fool who slipped something up their black hole (cos the butt sucks things in disturbingly well) they can't retrieve, please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. People have died due to toxic shock due to this crap, a guy here died of it in two weeks due to having a dildo stuck up their and never went to his doc's. Your pride can recover, but you can't recover from death. wolfyfancylads

Kinky Style. 

Somewhere out there in the world there is that one deeply unfortunate person who was ACTUALLY cooking while naked, who DID slip on the kitchen floor, and whose ass really DID slam down on the freshly peeled potato. One in a million chance.

Poor guy probably went to the ER figuring "No one will ever believe me," and just told the attending physician, "I'm into some weird kinky tuber sex-play." whyenn

Mr. Potato Head.

Son of a Doctor here. My dad removed an entire peeled sweet potato from someone's colon once. He swore that he had just slipped and fell on it. Salty_Knees

17 Barbie doll heads....

I was an RN at a busy Detroit emergency department. A homeless woman, frequent-flier and drug abuser came in to see us with abdominal pain. The x-ray revealed 17 oval-shaped objects in her vaginal space.

They were removed by a very diligent medical resident armed with a speculum and McGill forceps, with the aid of an ultra sound tech.

17 Barbie doll heads. Their removal was made a bit easier by their long hair.

EDIT: Former co-worker saw my post! Small world. Reminded me of the man with the small fluorescent bulb in his rectum. He insisted on the doctor in the ER just pulling it out, and sending him on his way. But those bulbs break very easily (lacerated colon) and are full of toxic chemicals (poisoning). Surgical removal was recommended, but he flatly refused, because hey, what would he tell his wife? He signed out AMA and we never saw him again. StreetBob2016

Diet Please.

I've seen a small size Fanta orange soda (can) get pulled straight out of a man's rectum. Luffywara

Blockage...

We received a patient with horrible pain that felt like constipation. He couldn't poop and laxatives weren't helping. We soon found out that the blockage wasn't just constipation, it was a string of beads several meters long that had become tangled into an ugly ball inside. I had to snip it apart and carefully pull pieces of it out. When most of it was out his moron became a rocket engine with diarrhea as the propellant. Pyrrhape

Side Salad...

I once had a flatmate who was a nurse. She had a patient who came in complaining of stomach pains, which was caused by the cucumber he'd shoved up his butt a couple of days earlier. Apparently the smell caused by pickling a cucumber in your colon is extremely nasty. scatteredloops

The Urethra. 

Not the butt, close to it! My sister worked in a Urology clinic and has some very crazy stories ranging from "at-home sex change" procedures to this case in particular. She had to remove almost 200 bb's from a guys bladder via his urethra one by one! As the guy had a fetish of shoving things down is urethra. highsociety121

"sloshing"

Endo Tech here, had a guy come in with a capped section of PVC pipe filled with Mercury because he liked the "sloshing". Had to call in Hazmat and security had to be called when he became violent because they wouldn't give the Mercury laden pipe back. thadiator94

Don't Eat the Poop! 

I'm a vet. Dog had eaten a whole roll of poop bags (the plastic baggies people use to clean up after their pets on walks). They unspooled in his gut and spread from stomach to colon. His owners realized what had happened when he started pooping out bags, and brought him in through ER. My coworker went in to cut him, and the scene she described was hilarious: he would intermittently strain a little, and poop out a little section of bags. Someone would tear them off, and he'd be ok for a bit then poop out some more. Like he was dispensing them for himself! He did great after surgery. PrettyButEmpty

Use it all Wisely....

ER Nurse. I've seen baseballs, loads of sex toys, cans of soda, vegetables. There should be a public service announcement about using thins in the bum. It needs to have some sort of base so it doesn't get lost up there. A doctor I worked with once told a man, "It's ok if you want to put things in your rectum. You just have to use the right things." amybpdx

Cued Up....

I wasn't the surgeon, I was the patients family doc, and took care of him in the hospital for his short stay after. He had a cue ball get stuck. Not sure exactly what he thought would be the way to get it out. We had a lot of trouble getting it out.

The conversation of the surgeons trying to come up with a way to get it out was pretty hilarious. tadgie

Had to remove it in pieces.

A enormous silicone plug which broke off at its base inside the patient. It was shaped like a soft cone on a stalk, with the base at the bottom. Had to remove it in pieces.

Also, an Orangina bottle two years before this plug. breathofdawildebeest

disappointing update....

Years ago my nurse wife told me a man had an apple removed from his butt but I never understood how this could be possible. I often think about this but have never asked her for more details. I'll ask her over the table at Christmas dinner tonight.

disappointing update.

I didn't ask her at the Christmas dinner. There were small children around and everyone was having a nice time, it didn't seem cool to bring it up. Also no one else started any butt stuff related conversations providing an opening for my inquiry.

I asked her today but also told her about my post on here. She didn't feel comfortable sharing the details with you guys so I guess you'll just have to use your imagination.

Someone posted about a similar situation and suggested they had possibly worked with my wife. Based on the details in their post I am sure it was a separate apple/butt incident. lowly_worm_

Meth is a hell of a drug.

A friend of my mine is a surgery resident and during one of her trauma shifts a meth head walked in with an incandescent light bulb in his colon... it was shoved in with the wide part first. They were dilating the rectum in an attempt to remove it and the resident in charge of the procedure managed to accidentally separate the metal base from the glass globe; which immediately shattered under the pressure if the colon.

They had to perform a partial colectomy to resolve the complication. Meth is a hell of a drug.

A foreign body per rectum is a fairly common occurrence. In my time rotating in the ER the most common things have been yuca roots, avocados, shampoo bottles, etc. But that lightbulb story is still unmatched... I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen the xray. HeisenV

I suspect it is still on......

ER doc here, as previous posters suggest, it becomes hard to distinguish what is weird any more, so judge for yourselves

3 lemons About a foot of broom handle A lightbulb (which did not survive is adventure) So many toilet brushes (inserted brush and handle first) A series of toothpicks Any number of bottles, aerosol cans, etc

My favorite case was a simple sex toy. We xrayed it and the radiologists report read: "There is an approximately 15cm cylindrical foreign body in the large intestine extending proximally from the rectum. Judging by the indistinct outline of the foreign body, I suspect it is still on." Mnonni

"fell on it in the shower." 

Back when I was an ER tech, we had this guy come in with a full size bottle of VO5 shampoo up his butt. Of course he said he "fell on it in the shower." You could clearly see it on the X-ray, it was pretty spectacular. The best part was he knew exactly what needed to be done to get it out, suggesting that this wasn't the first time... he asked for conscious sedation and for someone to pull it out... well the ED doctor tried that, then tried to manually get it out with forceps.

He had to go to the operating room to get it taken out. I bumped into the surgeon a few days later and asked him how it went... he joked to me that "after we knocked him out, I grabbed a plunger out of the bathroom and got it out that way." But then told me all he had to do was stick some suction up there till he felt it connect, and then slowly pulled it out.

According to the surgeon, this guy never presented any sort of identification or insurance card, and demanded to pay his entire bill before he left (usually takes some time for bills to get finalized). He paid it completely in cash, and then left via a taxi. Cramer19

Behold the Light!

When I worked in the ER we had a guy come in with a 6 battery Maglite stuck up Main Street. The funny part is that it was inserted bulb out and it was turned ON.

So we laid him down prone and the doc spread his cheeks; then the room lit up like he just cracked open Marcellus Wallace's briefcase. reuben515