We'd all be lying if we said we'd never taken even a little bit of joy in messing with someone. You may have to lie to the people who know you in person, but c'mon. This is the internet, we're all friends in our mutual horribleness here.
One Reddit user really wanted to bond with their fellow scumbags, so they asked:
Fellow scumbags of reddit, what's the worse thing you've ever done?
Some of the answers were legitimately awful, some were hilariously terrible, all of them were downright scuzzy ... just like we like it! Here are some of our favorite responses. They've been edited for clarity when needed. Enjoy!
Coffin
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After a house party, multiple people slept over. My friend was on a queen sized bed by himself. I grabbed him and put him on the floor and then pushed him under the bed so I wouldn't step on him when I woke up. He was super drunk, so it was easy. He woke up in the morning, still drunk and screaming. For a couple of seconds he thought he was in a coffin.
- MePirate
Bacon Fire
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College friend burned her whole apartment building to the ground. Not a joke.
About 10 minutes after the fact, while we are literally sitting there watching the whole building engulfed in flames, I tried to lighten the mood and turned to her and said "What the hell. Were you trying to cook or something?"
It was a grease fire. She was cooking bacon. She started crying and I felt terrible.
Cancer Joke
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My brother's girlfriend of like a year came out to a family meal once and while playing catch with a football she broke a nail and just broke down sobbing about it. I was shocked and in my family we always use gallows humour to cheer ourselves up during the dark moments. She was very aware of this and joked right along with us.
I made a light-hearted comment about how it sucked but it was just a nail and it would grow back, at least it wasn't cancer or anything...
Nope, she had found just the day before that her cancer had returned. My brother had never told us she had cancer in the past or that she had just found out this awful news.
Assaulting The Ice Cream Man
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When I was a kid, I put some dishwashing liquid and water in a squirt gun. When the ice cream man came, he asked what I wanted. I said I wanted a drumstick, so he reached into the freezer and waited for the money. I didn't have any so he asked why I did that. I said I do want it, I just don't have any money. He got pissed and I squirted him in the eyes with the soapy water. Why did I do it? I think I was mad that we never had money for stuff like that, and here he was parading it in my face every day. It's been about 50 years and I still feel bad about it.
- Singnomo
The Worst Kind Of Theif
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I stole one piece from a thousand Jigsaw Puzzles at a naming ceremony (like a baptism sort of thing) I attended with my parents.
This Accidental Felony
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One time when I was 17, my friend was having some big illicit party and I didn't want to deal with that, just wanted to hang with a few of my friends. So early on in the evening before it was to begin, I called in a fake noise complaint to get the police to drop by and maybe rattle him so my friend would call off the party.
Well little did I know that it had already begun, and the cops showed up and did a huge bust. Guess who was there drinking? My two younger brothers. One of them assaulted a female officer (pushed her so he could run away) and got charged with a felony.
I came clean, everyone was pissed (both at me and at my brothers, especially the one who ran from the cops), our family paid $3,500 to some attorney to get it busted down to a misdemeanor with a bit of community service, and I felt awful for months. I did use my summer earnings to pay my dad back half of the lawyer's fees though.
0/10 would not recommend trying to use the police as a tool to get what you want
This was 20 years ago, btw. Still makes me cringe to think about it.
- il1il2
Jacuzzi Poop
On holiday in a hotel I didn't know very well and had to look after my little brother. I needed to poop. Bad.
Couldn't find where a toilet was, so dragged him into an empty Jacuzzi and took a dump in it. We both screamed and ran out as it floated to the top and managed to convince him it was already there when we got in.
- BradenA8
Playing Warcraft While She Cried
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Broke up with my college girlfriend over the phone a week after saying "I love you" to get her to do butt stuff. Also, I was playing Warcraft 3 on mute while she cried
Parsley
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I was 17, picked up weed for a friend, smoked some of it. Then put some parsley in and said it was just shake. He was in the car with us and smoked a bowl, you could hear him smack his lips with the weird taste. I laughed, told him, and never reimbursed him for it. At that age you are the worst version of yourself.
Framing The "Dude In A Wheelchair"
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To preface this, it's important to note that I ate a ton of Taco Bell right before bed the night before the funeral showing. Not sure of everything I had, but there was definitely a burrito supreme in there.
Anyway, let's back up a couple of days. I was looking forward to a weekend in Chicago for an annual trip for people in our major. Unfortunately, my on again/off again ex girlfriend's grandma passed away. Despite ex being a general bummer of an individual, I offered to pass up the trip and be by her side.
Cut to the post TB morning. I awoke and felt a small cavernous rumble of gas that shalt not pass. You know when it's going to be bad. The relative's house we stayed with her big family was not large, so I couldn't even find an unoccupied room nor a walk-in closet to fart in.
So it sits in my stomach and churns. We get dressed and get to the showing, and the fart seems to have calmed ... but it's still in there. Most of the family walks up to talk to each other and I begin to see an opportunity to release at least a portion of this tainted copy of Air Bud: Spikes Back that was "now showing" in my butt. It seemed perfect. Finally, some relief! So I remained seated as they dissipated and did the deed. I knew it would be silent. But I had no idea it would be that deadly.
It honestly smelled like a dog did it. Or some sort of dog/human hybrid. The family started to notice the smell, and then a ton of others nearby did as well. And they started looking for the source.
Now folks, I'm pretty laid back. I'm no actor by any means, but I think some kind of innate human instincts for preservation came into play to keep me from taking the blame for that anti-enchilada. I denied that I supplied, and was acquitted of the chunk charges. But what happened next made me a scum bag.
Seconds later, a dude in a wheelchair came through the crowd of us. One of her family members, was like "do you think it was him?" And I composed myself and was like, "yeah, I didn't notice the smell until he came in the room."
I'd say I felt bad for all of this. But I still laugh every time I remember hearing ex's concerned mother say "I wonder if he rolled his wheels through something."
Ta-da. I'm trash forever.
Ghosted Her When She Got Cancer
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Fairly late to this but here we go. I started "dating" this chick during 11th grade who I knew in 9th grade but transferred to another school in 10th grade. I didn't let it be publicly known we were "together" since I was just trying have someone around to f^ck, and still be able to pursue other chicks. High school me was really sh!tty when it came to girls.
2 weeks down the road she's texting me at around 8pm telling me about how she had gone to the hospital and the lump she was worried about (talked about it earlier in the day) was confirmed to be breast cancer. As I was with her solely for the purpose of sex, I didn't want to be there for all the emotional support/boyfriend duties she'd obviously need.
So I never replied to her. Never even broke up with her, said goodbye, nothing.
Ungrateful On Christmas
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One time during Christmas my cousin's grandparents (not related to me by blood) got me and my sister Christmas presents.
I opened my present and it was a polly pocket doll. Me being the dumb 10 year old or something I was, said "here, you can have it, I don't want it." and just gave it to my younger sister, who played with that stuff more then I did. The problem was that I did it right in front of grandma. She felt bad she didn't give me a good present and gave me 20 dollars instead later on.
I still feel bad about it to this day.
- Dilisa
Competitive Thievery
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i stole money from my parents constantly throughout my teenage years - and any other family member (or anyone) who visited and left their handbag or wallet lying around. It was a common thing to do amongst my friends and I. We were almost competitive about it.
So, once while visiting my grandma who ran a bed and breakfast place (off the books as far as the taxman was concerned, that'll be important in a minute) i was searching through a desk in their living room and found a purse that contained at least 1000 pounds in neat rolls. It was obviously their business cash. Like I said, off the books.
I stole 120 pounds from it - a huge amount for a 13 year old to have in 1983, and massive bragging rights when I got home and told my fellow thieves about it...... they definitely noticed, and i am 100% certain they knew it was me.
Sorry Lucy
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sort of granola bar or raisins. Just before break I snuck over to the bag racks and rummaged in someone else's school bag. I found a packet of Cadbury animal biscuits and stole them. When break time finally arrived the girl who was now biscuit-less spent the whole time crying.
I'm 23 now and I still feel guilty.
Sorry Lucy.
Caused A Car Accident In A Snowstorm
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We used to snowball cars, egg cars, you name it and we would probably throw it at cars while they were driving through our neighborhood.
One night we were doing just that, and my neighborhood growing up was set up in a way that worked to our advantage pretty well- it was a peninsula with one way in and out, and a long road we could see all the way down coming into it. We got into so much trouble that we eventually learned to identify headlights of cars coming in and knew whenever a cop was coming.
So we basically set up this weird snowball trap for cars where they would turn a blind turn and see a hose tied across the road between two parallel signs, stop and get out to move it, and we would blast them and run down this little getaway path we had.
Eventually someone came through and didn't see it in time, ran the hose over, and got it all wrapped up in their wheelwell and caused them to skid to a pretty abrupt stop in a snowstorm around a blind turn. A cop car was immediately following them and slammed into the back of them. We all ran back to my house and no one got caught, and next thing you know we're all in my house looking out the window at the towns entire police force driving around outside.
The neighbors all knew who it was and tried to tell my parents what we did. Luckily they couldn't ever prove it was us!
This Monster
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I regularly drink straight from the orange juice and milk cartons in a household of 4.
Pretending To Be Blind
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I wear John Lennon style circle sunglasses, one night my friends and I went out to the bar and they thought it would be funny if I were to pretend to be blind. So for the rest of the night, I held onto a friends shoulder and he guided me around the bar, introducing me to girls as a blind man named Jamie.
It took a little theatrics and not flinching when girls would throw their hand at their face to convince them that I actually was blind.
I ended up hooking up with 3 girls that night at the bar and even took a girl home. They all thought I was actually blind. I saw a picture of one of the girls on someone's snapchat story crying because she had hooked up with a blind guy.
Many people still refer to me as the blind guy when I go out to the bar in my shades; I still go along with it.
Bad Tipper
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I once tipped like 3 cents at a restaurant just so it was even. I thought it was funny at the time, but i feel bad about it.
- The2kman
"Guess That's College And Dating For Ya"
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Freshman year of college a few years back, I met this guy who I really fell for. He was in a frat, which I usually steer clear from, but we had a lot in common so I gave it a shot. He took me out for coffee, played one of my favorite more obscure albums on his record player, and it was cool, until I didn't want to mess around. He got kind of annoyed but still said I should come to his frat party the next night. I assumed everything was still cool - he dropped me off at my dorm, walked me up to the door, kissed me goodnight, etc.
Anyways, I went to the party the next night, and instantly found him sloppily making out with this chick in the middle of the room while everyone watched. I was pretty hurt, so I left, called the local PD non-emergency line, pretended to be a disgruntled neighbor, and watched from a couple houses down as the cops shut down the party. Super, super petty but man, I was hurt. Guess that's college and dating for ya tho
H/T: Reddit
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
homer simpson episode 23 GIF
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
Disney World GIF
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.