Being a smart criminal means you don't get caught... at least in theory.
Today's burning question is from Redditor ItzTacoTimmie, who asked the online community: "Police officers of Reddit, who's the smartest criminal you've ever encountered?"
Here are some stories from police officers and people with stories of their own. The nerve of some of these criminals; you have to admire their moxie.
"There's one guy I recently dealt with..."
There's one guy I recently dealt with who is on parole. I stopped him in my city after he was looking to buy drugs (usually people come from all over to buy drugs and then leave). I issue him a warning and let him go as it's pretty common and he sang like a bird regarding the people he was trying to buy from.
Anyway, the next day, I got a call from his parole officer who says he was alerted the guy was pulled over and wanted to verify that It was his guy that I stopped. I'm a little confused at first but he goes on to say that the day before, he was scheduled to meet with him but he had an excuse and bailed.
His excuse was that he was in the hospital. Well when he spoke with him the following day, he was able to provide documentation that he had entered the hospital day 1 and had left day 2. Well I had stopped him at 115 in the morning and after looking at the picture, it was 100% him.
Turns out the guy had checked in then out of the hospital on day 1, then in and out again on day 2. He then re arranged half the paperwork to make it look like he was in the hospital overnight which would make my car stop of him appear like I mixed him up with someone else as well as give him a valid excuse to miss their meeting.
Not sure what's gonna happen to that guy but I thought it was pretty clever.
"A guy in my dorm..."
This was in the late 90s-early 00s.
A guy in my dorm came to school solely to deal drugs. He took out student loans, registered for a bunch of 300-person freshman survey courses where he would never be missed, then literally never went to class. All he did was go to raves and concerts and keggers and sell party drugs.
After the first semester, he was suspended. He wrote the usual 'I was young and dumb and in over my head' sob story, and got put on probation for a semester. So he had a repeat of the fall. At the end of the year, he was kicked out, and didn't care.
He made something on the order of $150k, in return for about $8k in student loans to cover a year of housing and tuition.
So far as I know, he was never caught. It may have been a short-sighted maneuver in the long run, but in the short run it seemed fairly genius to effectively use federal loans to start your drug business.
"He was smart enough..."
Probably someone who committed a crime I never solved.
With that being said I had a guy use a sledge hammer to smash his way through a wall at a Best Buy and steal a bunch of phones and cameras. He was smart enough to wear gloves and a face mask and not touch anything he didn't have to. Alarms didn't go off until he exited out the back door, which the alarm company gets after a minute or two and takes them like 3/4 minutes to call in to us, giving him a good 5 minute head start so he was probably a few miles away before we got dispatched to it. He clearly scoped out the area before doing his deed too. Smart dude.
"It was middle of January."
Worked at a jail. After getting off work, I watched an ex inmate (homeless) being released, he walked over to a patrol car, looked me in the eye, and the elbowed the window in. He was walked back to the entrance and re-booked in. It was middle of January. He didn't want to get too cold.
"Anyone that immediately requests a lawyer..."
Anyone that immediately requests a lawyer, prior to questioning. That's the smartest thing you can do, if you committed a crime (in most scenarios).
If you speak with me and confess, you're f---ed. If you speak with me and lie, and I can prove it, you're f---ed.
If you say nothing at all... there's a chance I'm f---ed.
"I remember an officer..."Giphy
I remember an officer telling me about a B&E alarm he and his team responded to. No one was there to report the alarm, it must have been a security monitoring company that called.
When police showed up, everything seemed normal, most lights were off, and there was an employee still working. Explains he was there working late and must have set off an alarm.
They almost believed him until he said "uhh" before saying the name of the company he worked for. After that it was downhill but with a little more research he would have pretty much gotten away with it.
"Almost got away with it..."
Kid killed his grandmother. Used her credit card all weekend. Went to a dance. Went to Pizza Hut with a date. Had a stereo installed. Called family members in another state over and over like nothing happened.
The following Monday or Tuesday he poured gas through the house and lit it. Gas flashed and he ran into the yard. Fire department arrives. Said he heard a male in the house who he thought was an estranged family member that hated his grandma.
Almost got away with it but the door closed from the wind and the flames went out. Allows us to do an autopsy showing a .22 wound to the back.
Unraveled a long history of crazy abuse and family stuff for 16 years by his parents. Grandparents tried to help (edit clarification)
He's still in jail. Smart funny intelligent kid. Other than murdering his grandmother he seemed like a good kid from a distance.
"One guy would print barcodes..."
One guy would print barcodes, bring them into home depot and stick them on merchandise in the $100 range. When scanned the items came up around the $10 range. Putting random barcodes on things isn't really illegal and super hard to notice. Guy two would come in an hour later and buy the underpriced stuff. Complete plausible deniability. They would then sell the stuff on Ebay.
Only reason they got caught is because the guy with the barcode printer/software cut the second guy out of the operation so guy 2 stole a bunch of barcodes, put them on the merchandise and paid for it immediately afterwards. He then proceeded to rat on the first guy and spilled the beans they had been doing this on a weekly basis for over four years. Because we could only pin the one case on him, the burglary was dropped down to a pretty theft and he walked away with a few days in county and a small fine. Dude probably took Home Depot for tens of thousands over the years.
"I worked with this one guy..."
I worked with this one guy who had a lengthy record. He had a system for getting released if he got caught. After committing a crime, if the police were in pursuit and he knew he was about to be cornered, he would act insane. His girl would play along with it telling the police that he was off his medication. The police would arrest him but then send him to a mental ward with papers instructing the ward to release to police once he was cleared. Once he was in the mental ward, he would cause a distraction that would make the person attending the desk with the file cabinet to leave said cabinet.
He would then crawl to the file cabinet, look for his "release to police" papers, and then would literally eat the papers. When the psych evaluators decided that he was stable enough to be released, there would be no instructions to send him to the police, and he would be released to the general public. He did this about 10 times until police officers noticed him back on the streets. This stunt forced the state to change their procedure for detaining mentally unstable suspects.
"My favorite was the guy..."
My favorite was the guy who stole a post office mailbox off the street, repainted it, and then put it next to the night deposit box at a bank. And hung an out-of-order sign on the deposit box. All the businesses came along and dropped off their deposits in the mailbox.
"I remember some thieves..."
I remember some thieves would go and trigger the alarm of a vacant Blockbuster after they all started closing down. They did this for two weeks straight, so I guess the cops became convinced that this was a false alarm going off at the exact same time every night so they stopped rushing to investigate. One day we find out that the pharmacy next to the Blockbuster was broken into through the wall they shared. Not only that, but there was only one tiny section the wall that wasn't covered in shelves and panels in the pharmacy, so the thieves had to know exactly which part of the Blockbuster wall to break through. Still pretty impressed by the heist these junkies managed to pull off.
"There was a guy with over 50 speeding charges..."Giphy
There was a guy with over 50 speeding charges, with the name "Prawo Jazdy." He was in a different car, with a different disguise every single time. Eventually, after the government set up a special task force to take down this guy, they realized that "Prawo Jazdy" means "drivers license" in Polish.
"Stopped a guy at night.
Stopped a guy at night. Willingly pulled over. Was Mr nice and had an answer for everything. Mistake was he left night vision on the dash. Which have me grounds to search. Had a perfect tool kit for high end breaks... radios to reach others in on the act... thermal suits etc. Barrister turned up to interview... offence of going equipped never stood a chance. He was released. On his way out joked he hadn't been stopped in 10 years... even complimented me on being pro active and observant. (record showed loads for burglary then nothing since 2002) 2 months later a camouflaged server site down the road was hit... 1.5 million in kit went. Police didn't even know it was there. ISP had no idea how the alarms didn't go off and how such specialised kit was difficult to sell... Knew exactly who it was... but 0% proof. nicest prisoner I ever had!
"They were housed in one of our maximum security tiers."
Having worked as a Disciplinary Officer in corrections, I've always been amazed at the ingenuity of inmates. The problem most run into is the follow up of the crime they commit. Our department received a call one night that there were three of our inmates walking down a street a short distance away from our jail. The three were caught quickly (they were still wearing their stripes). However, upon doing a roster check it was discovered there was still one missing. He was caught about a month later. So, the ingenuity was more in how they escaped.
They were housed in one of our maximum security tiers. After lockdown there is really only one way out of the cell. There is a very narrow window in each cell overlooking the yard (this was never really seen as a viable escape risk as they were so narrow one would have to be really skinny to even attempt to try to squeeze through). Due to lack of staffing, our guard tower stayed unmanned, so they took note of that.
They spent a year losing weight, and observing the officers that worked the tier, taking note of which ones were lax in their duties. They loosened one of the windows, and when they finally reached a weight where they could all fit through, they took their opportunity.
The officer on duty that night was so lax he didn't notice that four men entered a two man cell at lockdown. Not just that, he didn't do a roster check at lockdown. So they got out and used a mattress to climb over the razor wire. The problem is they didn't have a good strategy for after they escaped. The one that was out the longest was probably the smartest, as he decided to part ways with the three who felt like it was a good idea to walk on a street in their prison stripes. But, he had no real plan either. He spent his time living in people's fishing camps when they weren't around. He was caught when one of the campers surprised him, and called the department who was able to locate him shortly thereafter.
"When I figured it out..."
Not exactly the same, but I am a Cyber PI, and had a case where an escort was working 3 sugar daddies. She convinced each one of them to buy her a boob job. She collected $4500 from each of them and pocketed the difference. She got a set of boobs and $9,000. Each guy thought they were the only ones until I uncovered the enterprise. (One of the daddies was a married CEO.)
When I figured it out, I totally did the Ron Burgundy golf clap..."I'm not even mad...
"Not the smartest but the most determined."
Not the smartest, but the most determined. A couple of years back we had a dealer in, heavily suspected of plugging. He was put on a 'poo watch' constant supervision (effectively placed into a specialised cell whereby the toilet is rigged up to a clear tank, so if they poo, one of the lucky officers gets to sift through it to look for drugs). The bloke managed to avoid pooing for 12 days, after which point the doctor in charge of his care wrote a report saying that he needed to be released as he would likely die if he didn't poo asap. The guy was released, facing only a minor charge of the initial possession rather than what would have likely been a higher charge of possession with intent to supply.
"I'm a corrections officer..."
I'm a corrections officer and often encounter career criminals that are professionals at cheating the system. The real smart ones are few and far between, but every now and then I see something that opens my eyes to how ingenious and resourceful people can be who are institutionalized and have very little to their name.
One, less nefarious example I can share is this alcoholic and chronic gambler inmate who is homeless on the streets, has no family to put money into his canteen jail account but always seems to have various food items like chocolate bars (which are as good as money in jail) for trading and gambling. I searched his property one day to discover little coupon clippings, chocolate bar wrappers and fruit cup lids. This guy was using his 2 letters a week to send out complaints, reviews and coupons to food companies and having them ship replacement/winnings/samples to the jail. They would be factory sealed and pass security screening. All for free. I'm talking boxes of KitKat bars and whatnot. A true scammer.
A less intelligent but funny example is this 45 year old, 4'5 tall, half a skull, gimped leg in and out homeless regular we called 'dent head' (due to the large dent on one side of his head due to past surgeries removing half the top of his skull). He couldn't walk without a walker and even with a walker, moved with a massive limp at a snail's pace. I wondered what crime he could possibly be committing to keep coming to jail. Turns out he would shoplift from the local liquor store every day; if he didn't get caught, he gets free booze, if he did get caught, he'd come back to jail for: "a warm bed and 3 hot meals." Unbelievable.
"Knew two guys working at a scrap yard."
Knew two guys working at a scrap yard. One long semi trailer was for copper only, the boss would come around at closing and click the locks shut.
These f*kers put their own lock hanging there once a week and the boss would click it shut. They'd return hours later and grab a pick up load the lock the bosses lock back in place. They pulled that shit for a yr until the guy had cameras installed. They both just quit and called it good.
"Even with multiple police reports on this guy..."
Not police but I worked Asset Protection for a major retailer.
The guy was an electric shaver booster. Someone who specifically comes in, disarms the security tags, and walks out, within minutes.
Even with multiple police reports on this guy, we aren't allowed to stop him without probable cause. Lo and behold, we see him take a shaver. I left to do surveillance on the guy, undercover, but before I could, my coworker already had him in cuffs. No struggle, weird.
We get him in the office, he doesnt have it on him. Cops called. Cops search him. Nothing. He dumped it in a toy aisle we didnt see.
He sued us for $175,000 for unlawful detainment and we settled for $100,000. He knew what he was doing.
"When he first started as a rookie..."
I'm not a cop but my dad was in the NYPD for 20 years. When he first started as a rookie, he had a more experienced partner who he saw as kind of a douchebag. So one day they're on patrol, and this guy starts chasing the car screaming "Officer! Officer!" My dad's partner speeds up and my dad says something like "aren't you gonna stop for him?" And he just turns to him and says no. My dad didn't wanna argue with him so they just kept going. But the guy was still chasing the police car screaming "Officer!" After realizing they weren't gonna stop anytime soon for him, he drops to his knees and screams "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD OFFICERS!" And they just speed off. My dad never forgot that.
This was probably some sorta distraction maybe. It was a common trick back then my dad saw all the time in his later years on the force. They have someone do something crazy so that they get your attention, and while you're not looking, they can do anything. Sometimes they'll sneak up and mug you, other times they'll just steal something. Always very risky let your guard down.
DQ: Who is the smartest criminal you've heard of or encountered?
Life is hard. It's a miracle to make it through with some semblance of sanity. We are all plagued by grief and trauma. More and more people of all backgrounds are opening up about personal trauma and its origins. Finally! For far too long we've been too silent on this topic. And with so many people unable to afford mental health care, the outcomes can be damaging.
All of our childhoods have ups and downs and memories that can play out like nightmares. We carry that, or it follows us and the first step in recovery is talking about it. So who feels strong enough to speak?
Redditor u/nthn_thms wanted to see who was willing to share about things they'd probably rather forget, by asking:
What's the most traumatizing thing you experienced as a child?
I am claustrophobic. It paralyzes my life. I can't ride elevators. I freak out at amusement parks. And don't get me started on trains in New York that get stuck in the tunnel. Why am I like this?
"I was about 7 or 8 when I heard some noise coming from the garage. My mom was at work and I was being babysat by one of my uncles. I went to open the garage to find my other uncle strangling his girlfriend up against the car. She had blood coming out of her nose and mouth. I just froze and stood there staring and my uncle didn't even notice and continued choking and strangling her."
"My other uncle came to the door where I was standing saw what was happening and grabbed me. He called my mom and then the police who later came and arrested my uncle. There's more to this story I wasn't privy to at such a young age. But yeah my other uncle is crazy. He's been to jail a few times, has anger and control issues."
"Going to another person's house and realizing that living in filth and decay and having breathing problems isn't the norm. Having dinner every night and a clean room was just a regular day in their household. Grass is always greener right? Especially when yours is dead and everyone from school thinks your house is haunted. Smh good riddance."
"Watching my grandpa slowly waste away on our living room couch. He had a paraganglioma on his pancreas, and there was nothing (especially in 1980) that could be done for him. I was four, and he was my favorite person, and I couldn't sit with him, or hug him, or anything. I miss him even after 40 years. Either that or my best friend dying over Christmas break in 1988. I miss her too. I pretty much hated everything after that."
"I saw my Dad get swept away and drowned when I was 11. It's really something I've never recovered from. It's been 16 years and not a day goes by I don't remember it. I live with it. I think we have to for those who we've lost. I always kind of imagine it as a sort of like an emotional loss of a limb. I haven't lost a limb, but I imagine you adapt to not having it. You learn. But you never forget you are missing an arm or a leg."
It's taken me years to confront my struggle. Finally a little while ago, I tried hypnotherapy and I was able to recover a childhood memory that manifested into my phobia. I was trapped in handcuffs as a joke by my babysitter's brother. Six hours.
"The older I got through my teens, the more my step-father's alcoholism spiralled out of control, and the more I was biding my time until I was 18 and would head off to college. Education was my only escape in my mind. Every instance of physical and emotional abuse had to be met with, "just shut up and take it, it'll be over someday." Really wish I could give that kid who slept on the floor of a three-bedroom trailer a hug and say that he'd make it out and get a master's degree. I feel like I just won a decade-long war."
"I had a dog that I absolutely loved. I begged for this dog in a Walmart parking lot a week before my 3rd birthday, my mom said I could have the dog but that meant no birthday presents or cake just the dog (she lied, I got presents, cake, and dog.) This dog went everywhere with me and did everything with me. Despite being a tiny mutt he would do his best to protect me from our Doberman who did not like me."
"In fairness to the doberman, as a 2 yr old I did stomp on his nuts for some unbeknownst reason so no hard feelings on not liking me. When I was 5 my mom became a truck driver so we moved in with my grandparents on their farm. While I was at school one day Bouncy had gotten into the fence with the donkeys and was kicked in the head."
"When I got off the bus I couldn't figure out why he wasn't waiting on me. My grandparents met me outside and told me what happened, then walked me in to where he was. He died 30 minutes after I got home like he was waiting to see me. I haven't been able to bond with a pet since."
"I saw our neighbor's collie killed by a driver speeding through the neighborhood. As a young boy, it had real impact because I loved her, and it hurt when he stuck his head out the driver's door window, grinned, and just sped off - leaving the dog dead in the road and me - a kid - in tears. As I once commented, how anyone could be so callous and cruel was beyond my imagination."
"I actually don't remember the event much, but when I was really young (~6years old) I was playing outside and I heard a woman screaming. I was curious so I went across the street to see a bunch of smoke coming out of the cracks in the front door. Didn't see any flames initially so I didn't put two and two together right away. My Dad saw me across the street in the driveway just staring at the house and when he investigated what I was doing he realized the house was on fire. Whole house burnt down."
"Older woman fell asleep on her couch with a lit cigarette. I was traumatized by fire as a kid and I was petrified about burning alive in my sleep for quite some time. Dad had to install a fire escape ladder in my room, fire extinguishers, etc. I was obsessed with what to do in case of fires as a kid. No longer an issue, but my parents still tell me stories about how they knew that messed me up."
"I was 12 and sat down at the edge of a sidewalk to pet a cat crossing the road. I lived on a very quiet, but wide street. Even if a car drove by, there would've been a lot of room, as I was in an area reserved for parallel parking. (No cars were parked though). All of a sudden a big red car sped up and swerved to hit the cat. It missed me by inches, and instantly killed the cat. It was decades ago, and I still think about it often."
"Oh, hands down, my mother alcoholism. It really messes you up in ways that you cannot imagine. And you don't even realize that until years after. I still can't drink alcohol because of it, it terrifies me to even entertain the possibility to become something close to her."
I survived. But, I'm still haunted. I think I always will be. But I have learned to manage. We all struggle with the past. We were too young to process. But now we have to try. You're not alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Being single can be fun. In fact, in this time of COVID, being single can save lives. But the heart is a fickle creature.
And being alone can really suck in times of turmoil. None of us are perfect and it feels like that's all anyone is looking for... perfect.
Now that doesn't mean that all of us are making it difficult to partner up. Sure, some people are too picky and mean-spirited, but some of the rest of us are crazy and too much to handle. So one has to be sure.
The truth is, being single is confusing, no matter how much we try to match. So let's try to understand...
Redditor u/Mcxyn wanted to discuss some truths about love and our own issues, by asking:
Why are you single?
Give too much. Give too little. Pay for the first date. Don't pay for anything. I've heard it all. Sometimes it all worked, sometimes it didn't. Let's hear more...
Nemo?Finding Nemo Movie GIFGiphy
"There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I live in the desert."
"My girlfriend passed, and I can't figure out how to fall out of love with a dead woman."
"I think the only way I could move forward is knowing I will always love and cherish her memory, but am capable of loving another as well. Then again there's nothing wrong with making peace with the fact you've had the love of your life and staying single."
"I tell myself it's by choice."
"Here is the reality, it may make some feel better. If you aren't using a dating app, not going to bars/clubs or putting yourself out there, you have made a conscious choice not to date. If you are ok with this, you have NOTHING to be ashamed or worried about. Some people are wired differently. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. If you are not ok with this, you need to make some changes in your life. And no, it's not their fault. Do some introspection."
"Self esteem issues. Anyone I like enough to date deserves better than me."
"I have a question for you, I suspect that this person I really care for a lot also really cares a lot for me but they push me away despite never fighting having any disagreements or ever a bad time or issue of any type. In fact, we've always really enjoyed each other's company. So my question is would you or have you just given up on someone despite really liking them because you thought that they'd just leave you anyway and couldn't possibly be happy with you--and they'd would be disappointed? Thinking you're doing them a favor?
"It's not really that I would be worried about them leaving or being disappointed with me. I'm disappointed in myself, and I wouldn't want to bring that into a relationship. I don't like me, so how can I ask someone else to? If I've given up on myself, then I'm really not bringing anything to the relationship except baggage. I'm not sure I'm doing them a favor, but I am sure that they will find someone better than me."
"Also, I swear I'm a functioning human lol. These are legit the deep dark thoughts that come out in the wee hours of the morning. I am trying to fight against this train of thought as much as I can, but I hope you can see why I wouldn't want to make this someone else's problem, especially someone that I care for deeply."
The Appeal...So Excited Reaction GIF by OriginalsGiphy
"I assume because I'm not appealing in any way to anyone"
no one else....
"I can barely handle myself, what makes you think I could handle some other fool?!"
"For me, it is a choice. In my country, marriage is set up by parents and children barely have a say in 90% cases. I am 35 now and still single, think of it how you will. I just detest human interactions. When I try to recall the happiest moments of my life, all of them were with my dogs, gods help their departed souls. I can't imagine spending intimate time with another human being. And a relationship is unnecessary bondage. It is an utter waste of time, money, energy and everything one can imagine."
"I'm a physically ugly dude who generally dates by having people get to know me for a while, look past my looks and develop feelings for me. Post-university this has been extremely difficult, as I don't have enough people coming through my life despite my best efforts, and doubly so in a dating market that is so thoroughly warped by looks-based online dating."
"I lack the social skills."
"It's difficult, I avoided people and bonding with people because I was too insecure about being socially unskilled and this only gets worse with time, people are growing and getting better at it, but I barely started really."
ConnectionsDont Touch Me Season 9 GIF by FriendsGiphy
"I don't connect with people very well. I have a hard time talking to people I care about normal things, and I have an even harder time talking to them about my feelings. On top of that I have really bad social anxiety and I don't have a lot of friends, so the chances of me actually getting in a relationship is basically zero."
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Whether you're an at home parent, a college student just leaving the nest, or a Food Network junkie, there are a few basic tips that everyone should know.
Chef's gave us some of their top tips for amateurs and beginner at home cooks that will really make a difference. They are trained professionals with years of experience in the kitchen, so they definitely know what we're all missing.
If you're looking to improve some of your cooking skills and techniques, but you're still learning how to boil water correctly, this list is for you.
Redditor BigBadWolf44 wanted in on the secrets and asked:
"Chefs of Reddit, what's one rule of cooking amateurs need to know?"
Let's learn from the masters!
What a common mistake!
"A lot of the time when people add salt to a dish because they think it tastes flat, what it really needs is an acid like lemon juice or vinegar."
"Instructions unclear I drugged my dinner party guests and now they're high on acid."
"Yes! Or tomatoes. They're pretty acidic too and go with so many things. Our dinners are so much better once the garden tomatoes are ripe. Or if a dish is too acidic, oil/butter or a little sugar can help add balance to it."
"Like tomato and eggs. Every Chinese mom makes those slightly differently and I haven't had a tomato egg dish I didn't like yet."
"There's a book called 'Salt Fat Acid Heat' that comes highly recommended to amateur cooks."
"Reading even just the first chapter about salt made a lot of food I cooked immediately better, because I finally understood salt wasn't just that thing that sat on the dinner table that you applied after the meal was cooked."
"Salt is important for sweets. A batch of cookies without that little hint of salt doesn't taste quite right."
Unfortunately, this tip might not be accessible to everyone. Many people who contracted COVID can no longer use their sense of smell the way they used to.
"Have a friend that lost his smell from COVID, and now he only recognizes if food is salty, sweet, sour or bitter."
"Just wait until he gets his sense of smell back and a ton of foods smell like ammonia or literal garbage now. Yeah, that's fun... It's been 7 months for f*cks sake just let me enjoy peanut butter again!!!!!!!!!"
You can't take back what you've already put in.
"You can always add, but you cannot take away."
"I find people's problems usually are they're too scared to add rather than they add too much."
"I see you also grew up white in the mid-west."
"Not really a cooking tip, but a law of the kitchen: A falling knife has no handle."
"I'm always so proud of my reflexes for not kicking in when I fumble a knife."
"If I drop anything else, my stupid hands are all over themselves trying to catch it (and often failing). But with a knife the hardwired automatic reaction is jump back immediately. Fingers out of the way, feet out of the way, everything out of the way. Good lookin out, cerebellum!"
"Speaking of KICKING in. On first full time cooking job I had a knife spin and fall off the counter. My (stupid) reflex was to put my foot under it like a damn hacky sack to keep it from hitting the ground. Went through the shoe, somehow between my toes, into the sole somehow without cutting me. Lessons learned: (1) let it fall; (2) never set a knife down close to the edge or with the handle sticking out; (3) hacky sack is not nearly as cool as it could be."
"Similarly, NEVER put out a grease or oil fire with water. Smother with a lid or dump baking soda in there (do not use flour, as it can combust in the air making things worse)."
How else will you know it tastes good?
"Taste the food."
"Also don't be afraid to poke and prod at it. I feel like people think the process is sacred and you can't shape/flip/feel/touch things while you cook them. The more you are hands on, the more control you have."
"No, this does not include situations where you are trying to sear something. Ever try flipping a chicken thigh early? That's how you rip a chunk out of it and leave it glued to the pan until it's burnt."
Here's one just for laughs.
"When you grab a pair of tongs, click them a few times to make sure they are tongs."
"People really overlook this one. You've gotta tong the tongs a minimum of 3 times to make sure they tong, or else it can ruin the whole dish."
If you're looking to get into cooking or to improve you technique, pay attention to these few tips.
Salt generously, add an acid to brighten things up, and don't forget to taste your food!
If all else fails, you can always order take out.
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As part of the learning process, children often do embarrassing things before they learn a little more about the world and all the different implications therein. While the inappropriate moment is usually minor and ends in laugher some instances are truly mortifying.
One such instance involved a little sister who was around 6 at the time. It was the 90s and at the height of the youth-focused PSAs (think the frying egg representing your brain). One type was a safety PSA about stranger danger. The speaker would remind the children that if a stranger tried to take you anywhere to yell “Stop, you're not my mommy/daddy" to raise the alarm.
Fast forward to our grocery store trip with our mother, my younger sister, and myself. Sister was having a fit over wanting one of those cheap plastic toy packs they hang in some of the aisles. Mom said no.
Cue the scream, my little blonde sister lets out a wail and starts yelling for the entire store to hear "Stop it! You aren't my mom! You aren't my mommy! No!" My mom tried to grab her hand and tell her to stop but then realized that in doing so it made the scene look worse.
It was such a mix of mortification and humor that I just stood there. Little sister stopped after a few minutes, pretty sure she got her prized toy just to shut up. Now that I'm older it's a wonder the police didn't come.
Redditor Granted01 wanted to hear the most embarrassing childhood moments the internet had to offer and asked the subreddit:
“What inappropriate thing did you do as a child that you didn't realise was inappropriate?"
The answers make us want to crawl into a hole for them.
“My parents used to keep mini bottles of liquor in the fridge (the ones you'd find in hotel mini bar). We had to make our own lunches at times when mom and dad were busy with work and my first-grade self decided to empty the bottles into the sink and put juice in them to bring to school… my parents got a call that day from school lol." wander-lux
On my--well, him...
“Not me but my daughter. We live in a place where we don't see many people of different ethnicities but one day she saw a Muslim man with a beard dressed in the long white outfit, and she was convinced he was God."
“No idea why but she wouldn't leave the dude alone (she was 4) and started reeling off a Christmas list.. turns out Santa and God were mixed up too. Thankfully he found it funny." ApricotSuperb7196
“Not me, but my sister used to lap her drinks up like a dog. Turns out she was calling this "doggy style". One time they forgot to bring her a straw at the restaurant we were in and she loudly screamed "guess I'll do it doggy style". I think she was 7 or 8 at the time." knotsy-
Not what they’re called…
“I used to call those pigeons with the pointy tuft on their heads ‘horny birds’. I would yell it out so loudly too -.- my mum told me she had to look away every time I did it because it made her laugh until she cried. Obviously I wasnt told until later because I was only 5 at the time.” Artherwritethiss
Anything but that *gag*
“I used to play with this cup in the bath and drink water out of it for years, did it in the shower too as i got older, it had a handle on the end of it and I never knew why. One day I witnessed my mother use this cup in the toilet violently, and that was the moment I realized what a plunger was."
“It scared me I was about 10 when I realized what I had been using as a toy. I would fill it up with water in the bath or shower and play with it, and sip the water out of it, etc as kids do with toys I guess. Probably never forget that." That-nz-guyChannel 9 Brush GIF by Married At First Sight AustraliaGiphy
“riding my big wheel across one of the busiest roads in town…”
“I was a serious nudist as a child. My parents could never keep me in my clothes. My older sister would have her friends over who I had a crush on and I'd run outside butt naked to see them. There's a story that I still get teased about to this day of when my neighbor called my mom at work to tell her I was riding my big wheel across one of the busiest roads in town completely nude.” jdbuck99
“I called my Granny's boyfriend a dirty bastard…”
“I grew up on Looney Tunes & would call people who were mean to me stinkers or dirty bastards. I called my Granny's boyfriend a dirty bastard cause he started teasing me. I had my mom dying.” Kuriosity93
“my mum made me forge her papers…”
“When I was like 12 my mom was on probation and had to do community service. (Still no idea why) I had pretty good cursive handwriting at the time and my mum made me forge her papers and sign her p.o's name saying she was doing her service. Good times. Thanks for the memories mum.” osum_o_posum
Why didn’t they say anything!?
“When I was in 5th grade we made a calendar to take home. We each had our picture taken and glued to cover and were allowed to decorate it and each of the following months however we chose."
“Being 10 (nearly 11) there was so much that I didn't know about the world. What made it tick and more importantly, its history. Prior to the creative masterpiece that was unfolding in class, at home, I had walked in on my dad watching a WWII documentary where they showed footage of the German regalia and, subsequently, their flags."
“Not knowing any better, I thought the 'windmill' symbol was really cool and decided it should be on the cover of this calendar. One in each corner with my photo smack dab in the middle."
“No one said anything to me about it. It went through the lamination machine and was sent home with me. I wish I could've seen my teacher's reaction while she thought one of her students had skinheads for parents..." FusedByFire
A different way to say hello…
“Right, so anyone who's seen Mr. Bean (the movie) probably remembers the scene where he waves his middle finger at people tryna say hi? I did that. To an elderly person. Need I say more.” Blackrap1d
These cringe-worthy and laughable moments are brought to you by the ignorance of childhood. We've nearly all had a moment like this growing up, some just way, way worse than others.
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