Everything you're about to read is a lie. The previous sentence is true. Lying is an art, though people do it so commonly it's often nearly impossible to distinguish fact from fantasy. White lies save our butts all the time, but the really devilish falsehoods are harder to stop.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Cracking the Nazi Enigma was a massive feat of intelligence. And a huge secret.
My favorite lie is Ultra.
It's not really just one lie. It's a campaign of lies, probably more widespread and deep-routed than any in history, all leading to one collossal lie: Hiding the fact that the Allies broke the Enigma cipher. And, later, the Japanese "Purple" cipher, and the German Lorenz cipher, and the Italian C-38 cypher.
Basically, the Allies had blown every code the Axis used out of the water, thanks to the work of the Polish Cipher Bureau, and the Bletchley Park mathematicians including Alan Turing, and the American Signal Intelligence Service.
The collective intelligence from all these broken codes was called Ultra.
But what do you do when your code gets broken? You make a new, harder one. The allies couldn't let that happen, they couldn't let the axis know that their codes were broken. So how do you use data from a broken code without revealing that the code is broken? You lie.
If they wanted to take out an Axis supply ship after finding it through Ultra, they didn't just do that. They had a spy plane fly over where they knew the ship would be, then they sunk it. So the crew are all like "oh we got spotted." They also had to hide the broken codes from their own soldiers, lest they be revealed under careless talk. So they sent out other spy planes knowing nothing would be found, so crews wouldn't wonder how mission found an enemy every time.
They would never attack until they had a "cover story". Men undoubtedly died, by attacks the government knew were coming, because they would not compromise Ultra.
One of the few times they were forced to sink ships immediately, they covered it by sending a message in a code they knew the Germans had broken, to a spy in Naples, congratulating him of his success. The spy didn't exist, but the Germans intercepted the message and assumed everything was still good with Enigma.
The best part is, they didn't even reveal Ultra after the war. They saw to it that the Enigma machines were sold to potential enemies in the Third World, who continued to use the broken codes for years. Ultra wasn't revealed in its full extent until 1974, 29 years after the war. Never has a secret of such massive importance been so well kept for so long.
Fool me once...
Gregor MacGregor, the absolute madman, managed to convince a whole bunch of people not only to believe he was the king of an entirely fictional Central-American country, not only to invest in entirely fake government bonds for this fictional country, but also to sign up as colonists and freaking emigrate to the place!
Despite nearly 80% of the colonists dying after being dumped in a totally undeveloped jungle, a few of them made their way back to Britain and still spoke up in MacGregor's defense! Even after the French authorities finally arrested him, he was acquitted of all charges!
Who would question this?
I tell people that I was my country's high school national Connect 4 champion. It's so random it never gets questioned though its also far from humanity's greatest lie ever told but it's definitely my personal favorite.
I'm going to tell everyone.
"I won't tell anyone."
What they always mean: "I'll tell my best friend/ SO everything."
No it isn't and no you won't.
"Your call is important to us and we will be with you in a moment."
Narrator: he hasn't.
I have read and accept the terms and conditions.
That you can grow up to be anything you want to be.
Vaccines DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM.
Vaccines cause autism.
Andrew Wakefields completely bullsh*t, totally faked paper (for dirty money) has so far caused the death of thousands and thousands of people and rises in cases of diseases like measles, rubella, diphtheria and whooping cough.
I hope he wakes up every day with the weight of those dead children on his shoulders.
No but it can buy alcohol.
Money can't buy happiness.
More often than not, what gets us to keep tuning in to our favorite TV shows, or drawn to certain movies, is to get a glimpse into various professions which fascinate us, but which we wouldn't ever want to work ourselves.
Needless to say, there aren't many people who find the Indiana Jones films to be a remotely accurate depiction of archaeology, or that the Jurassic Park films show what paleontology is really like.
But many people tend to watch iconic procedurals like Grey's Anatomy and Law & Order under the notion that they both give an accurate depiction of the medical field and the legal world.
Only, how accurate are they?
Redditor Just_Surround_2108 was curious to learn which professions have been documented on screen without as much research as one might expect, leading them to ask:
"What profession does Hollywood get completely wrong in films and TV?"
In case you had any doubts about hacking...
"Don't nobody code that fast lol."- lmoore0621
The better question is, what does Hollywood get right?
"Just about anything medical, including deaths."
"Just about anything dealing with space."
"Just about anything dealing with natural disasters."
"Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think Hollywood really gets anything right about anything."- Xyrus2000
"Especially in big firms, it’s a lot of just endless hours in front of a desk doing doc review."
"Sincerely, someone studying to do endless hours in front of a desk doing doc review."- geeeeeetarSeason 2 Nbc GIF by Law & OrderGiphy
For better or worse...
Don't let them in the operating room...
"Nursing."- buhzkillWake Up Coffee GIF by FOX TVGiphy
Drop that baton!
"Oh my god just take a lesson or two and learn how to hold the instrument right."- soysaucemmm
Crunching those numbers... incorrectly...
Accountants. I'm sorry, but the action Thriller "The Accountant" starring Ben Aff-lack, was in no way a true representation of my job. - User Deleted
Defying all laws of motion...
"It's hilarious how they act!."- Prestigious-Order-62back to the future 121 gigawatts GIFGiphy
At least depending on where you went to school...
If we're being honest, most people tune in to watch films or television shows to escape from reality, and aren't usually looking for a documentary on these professions.
Though, for anyone thinking they want to be a scientist after watching Back To The Future... you might want to really think that one over...
Those who commute to work are always looking for ways to pass the time.
Many take it as an opportunity to catch up on their reading, or in this modern age, binge their favorite show on their laptop, tablet or phone.
Others, however, might make the time it takes them to get to and from work a little more practical, and either hone or learn a skill.
And while one can't master anything too complicated or difficult on the train or bus, there are some skills which can be practiced virtually any time, anywhere.
Redditor This_IsATroll was curious to hear from the Reddit community the ideal skills to fine tune on the way to work, leading them to ask:
"What's a silly little skill one can practice during the daily train commute?"
Expand your skills in communication
"One phrase in many languages."
"I used to know 'Where's the bathroom?' and 'More water please' in 16 different languages."- shaka_sulu
"Sign language"- Billie_Goat_Eilish
"Use Duolingo to learn a new language."
"Before you know it, you've learned phrases like "''m crying on the floor and eating bread'," and you'll soon be ready for your breakdown in multiple languages."-Talk Talking GIF by WikipediaGiphy
Impress your inner circle
"Memorize obscure poetry."- GodsCasino
Before there was Wordle...
"Crossword really expands your vocabulary and gives you some useless knowledge."
"You never know when you will need to know who was the first president of Serbia."- Much_Committee_9355
Work those abs!
"Clench your ab muscles."
"'Tuck your tummy in' anytime the train stops at a station."
"Hold them clenched until the train starts up again."
"We used to do this as kids when the car was stopped at a red light."
"It sounds silly, but it's a surprisingly strenuous workout for your core!"- AirborneRodentWorking Out Sit Up GIF by jecamartinezGiphy
You never know when it will come in handy.
'Learning how to tie knots."
"I highly recommend the app Knots 3D.'
"It provides a history of the knot being displayed, its intended use case, strength, reliability, and its structure."
'It's a wonderfully useful and easy to learn skill to have."- Nobodythrowout
You'll have a blanket in no time!
Mastering the art of numbers
"Sudoku."- CrazyKZGsudoku GIF by AARPGiphy
Take your pick, challenge yourself!
"Learn a language."
"Write a story."- camelfarmer1
Next time you're on your way to work, and think about all the things you wish you could do, maybe try doing them?
Who knows, you might end up seeing your fellow passengers reading the book you started riding the train...
It feels like I scrub and scrub and scrub and still things are never fully clean.
I have no idea what spotless looks like.
Soap always leaves spots.
And as soon as you finish sweeping, there is more to sweep.
Tell me your secrets.
Redditorgossipchickenwanted to hear about all the best ways make things spic and span. They asked:
"Janitors/maids of Reddit. What are some neat cleaning tricks we can use?"
We all can use as much advice as possible when it comes to cleaning. So let's listen up.
Red MattersBrea Grant Movie GIF by Signature EntertainmentGiphy
"Peroxide gets fresh blood out of clothes/linens if applied ASAP."
"If it's your blood, your own spit also begins the breakdown process!!!"
"Tri-sodoum-phosphate is my go to for anything oil/fat based. Get it in the painting prep supplies at the hardware store. It just melts though grease. You only need a tiny bit for a stain. Mix a few tbsp into your bucket for cleaning around the kitchen."
"Mix 10:1 with water to clean really really greasy messes, like between the stove and the cupboards in a new rental or to strip waxed floors. Keep the stripping ability in mind if you're cleaning anything wood, you can take off the finish if it's a strong mix or sits too long."
"Only reason it's not in all cleaning products like it used to be was overuse was causing problems with algae growth in waterways (phosphates). It's not a problem to use a bit there and there, it's more a problem if every single load of laundry done by everyone has phosphates."
Get the Gunk
"Former cleaning tech here. Get a scrub daddy and some bar keeper’s friend. Literally the best stuff I’ve ever used to get any sort of gunk or residue off of any surface."
"Not a cleaning professional (and God bless all of you, you should be paid a hell of a lot more than you already are, no f**king joke), but barkeeper's friend, a scrub daddy, some steel wool, rubbing alcohol, vinegar, baking soda makes a hell of a cleaning kit. There are few household messes you can't fix with them."
"Make sure the mops and brooms are long enough so you don’t have to bend. That increases your efficiency and you don’t get tired easily."
"Man. I'm entirely freaking convinced that no mop or broom is made for people over 5'8". TF am i supposed to do when I'm holding the top of the broom at my waist? I'm disabled. Slightly bending over to do housework is the greatest source of rage (and pain) in my life and I hate it."
To DustCleaning Tidying GIF by The Addams FamilyGiphy
"Use an old pillowcase to dust ceiling fan blades, it contains the dust so you don't get the dreaded allergy ash cloud."
I hate dust. And I hate ceiling fans. So good to know.
GeniusLets Go Dancing GIF by Rosanna PansinoGiphy
"Vacuum your way out of a room to not leave footprints. Incredibly satisfying work."
"Learned this one from a janitor. Don't scrub right away when you're mopping a floor. First get the whole floor soaked (kind of like soaking a dish with dried on food), then go back to the beginning. Anything that was stuck to the floor will be easier to clean with less work."
"(Restaurant janitor) Pouring Hot coffee and letting it sit for a while paired with a good follow up scrub for some reason is good at removing grease stains, I was shown this and never looked further into the why it works but it does!"
"Might be because coffee is slightly acidic! Really good tip as long as you clean the coffee off properly."
Relaxmatt smith newspaper GIF by HULUGiphy
"If you show up to a job and find out that the building was unused that day then make sure the garbages are empty then go find a quiet place to read for 8 hours."
"Former custodian here. Trash bags don't need to have all that air surrounding them, wasting space in the can and making trash bounce back out, and it's surprisingly easy to get out."
"- Unfurl the bag and get some air in it, so it's not stuck to itself."
"- Shake the air out. Yes, this may sound like extra work, but the next part is cool."
"- Fling the bag, bottom-first, into the trash can, holding onto the top so it doesn't just crumple up at the bottom."
"- Blow into the bag from a foot away. The Bernoulli Effect fills the bag AND pushes out all the air around the bag."
"Now the bag fills the trash can and has its full capacity ready to use. You can even add a knot to hold the bag in place if you want, but I've found it's not needed if done right."
Maybe now I can keep my house clean. Maybe...
Ah, the great outdoors.
One of the worst places ever.
I have never understood people's fascination with camping.
Give me a TV, a bed, and air conditioning any day.
Camping only leads to trouble.
Convinvce me otherwise.
RedditorDolphins_With_D*ldoswanted to hear from everyone who has been left shook by spending time in the great outdoors. They asked:
"What's your scariest camping experience?"
I barely wonder into the backyard. Last time I was there, there were snakes. Hell no.
A Few SipsCardi B Drink GIF by MOODMANGiphy
"Solo camp in the middle of nowhere. When I woke up in the morning someone had made a cup of tea and partially drunk it in the middle of the night. No sign of anyone anywhere."
"Camping with my kids in the woods for the first time. They were very nervous, but I assured them that nothing was out there to be afraid. Immediately after one of my assurances, we heard something moving outside of the tent. They started crying a bit, and I said it was either the wind or maybe a racoon a little bit away. At that moment, something came down on the top of the tent... something pushing in at four spots. They lost their minds with terror... even I screamed."
"It was our cat. My wife had let him outside, and he made his way down in the woods to see us. He was young and had never seen a tent before and jumped on top of it right above us. This was a few years ago, and my kids still bring up how scary it was and how daddy screamed."
"I went camping alone (female) with only my son who was about four at the time. When setting up in a fairly remote place, there was a guy who just stood watching us from about 100 metres away (his tent was all set up). During the night, we heard footsteps walking around our tent for about half an hour. No other noises."
"I sat up with a mallet in my hands for the rest of the night. When it got light, I went outside and saw hundreds of emu tracks all over our campsite and a friendly camper neighbour congratulating me on getting the tent up by myself because he wasn't sure I could do it but didn't want to intrude."
"Sheer terror when I was a kid at boy scout summer camp. One kid left a couple airheads out on the picnic table. Everyone woke up in the middle of the night to, no joke 30+ raccoons fighting over airheads and going into tents looking for more food. If you've never heard that many hissing and growling raccoons at the same time good for you."
Staring OutTired Over It GIFGiphy
"Camping in the Serengeti with Masai tribe men as guards. Sitting around the fire when suddenly the Masi looks out into the pitch blackness, turns the flashlight on illuminating The eyes of a lion 40 yards out. Just staring at us. I never heard a thing."
Now why do people do this to themselves? When there are lovely Marriots.
Under the Starsscared bear GIFGiphy
"I was about 8, I didn't want to sleep in the tent with my sister so I slept on a cot under the stars."
"Woke up to a bear sniffing my head/neck. I was basically paralyzed with fear, the bear left me and went to sniff around for snacks. It made enough noise to wake my parents who then scared it away. I moved my cot into my sister's tent immediately after."
"why, what happened?"
"I was camping in Zion National Park in late August 1992. The campground was almost empty by then. At 3:30 in the morning I woke up in midair. You know those dreams where that happens? I figured that's what it was... then I hit the ground. Earthquake. Then I was hearing cracking sounds, a few small thuds, then thud."
"Little bits of the cliff face had sheared off. Thankfully the campground was far enough from there that no one was injured. Had that happened in the daytime there's a good chance that a number of people would have been killed. The park was closed for a few days after that, and you couldn't get in or out for much of that day, as one entrance road was just gone, and the other one a boulder the size of a car had fallen on it."
"That one they got open that day and they kicked everyone out of the park. Anyhow I called home to say I was OK, everyone was like 'Why, what happened?' It hadn't made the news or anything, fortunately it was relatively mild, just some local destruction."
"I was tent camping in Arkansas around 2003-04, and The Blair Witch project was still fresh on my mind. I was about 20 years old at the time. Around 2-3 in the morning we’re woken up by what sounds like a small child running around our tent crying and trying to get in. I was thoroughly freaked out."
"Finally decided to open the tent and there was a kid that couldn’t have been more than 3 years old scared half to death and only wearing a diaper. I had lots of thought going through my head, but mostly - how the hell do I handle this. I can’t really go campsite to campsite, the ranger office is closed and I’m standing there in the middle of the night holding a child that isn’t mine."
"We had decided to call the cops, figuring it was the safest thing to do, just then a lady walks down the trail and is like ‘how did you get out?’ The kid was saying ‘mama, mama…’ and went straight to her. She nonchalantly said thank you and walked away. Now as a parent, I can’t imagine how much more that would freak me out if it were my kid."
"I went on a road trip with some friends to Lake Chelan. We left late and got lost (this was before cell phones, we didn’t have a map and trusted my friends memory). So we pull off the road and decide to camp for the night at a grassy area. We have limited lights and quickly make our tent."
"We’re woken in the morning by someone hitting the tent and screaming to get off his property. We’d inadvertently camped on some poor guys lawn. We were just dumb 18 year old kids but have never packed up camp that quickly before!"
Woofwild dogs puppies GIF by Nat Geo Wild Giphy
"Thought our tent was being attacked by 3 bears. Turns out someone's dogs just got loose and the light outside made them look gigantic."
And this is why I only sleep in actual beds. Inside.