I tell you what:
He would look at certain corners of the internet and immediately start crying.
"Jesus returns and sees our world, whats the first thing he says?"
The modern era of the world can be highly influential, and who can say what Jesus might be into the moment he arrives.
I'm Sure There's A Lot He'd Enjoy, First Off
"As carpenter, he would probably really dig the whole IKEA thing."
"As a fisherman you know he'd dig Bass Pro lol...."
"He'd enjoy the abundance of foot spas though."
On The Flip Side Of Those Feelings...
“Welp… time to tell dad to start from scratch again.”
" Dad, get the meteor. We clearly need a new f-cking creature to roam. "
"I don’t think he would say anything, he would just uncontrollably sob for a full 45 minutes before returning to Heaven to tell God to remove the Sun."
He'd Probably Be A Good Party Friend, Though?
“Anybody got water?”
"Best drinking buddy ever. Water is typically free at most restaurants, so I’d be getting free wine. Even at non-alcoholic places."
*rim shot sound effect
"I just flew in from heaven and boy are my arms tired."
"I love the idea of a Jesus that just like Michael Scott. Like he means so well, but is just the most cringe worthy person to listen to or be around."
"I’m picturing Buddy Jesus from Dogma with this personality"
His Tik-Tok Would Go Viral
"Don't forget to like and subscribe and leave a comment bellow!"
"This Rapture brought to you by Raid Shadow Legends"
Religion shouldn't be that hard. You attend service, take the lessons on how to be a better person to heart, and then use those lessons to help guide you and only to a more fulfilled existence.
It's certainly gotten twisted along the way, hasn't it?
Misusing The Point, Completely
*looks at Televangelists flitting about on private jets paid for by parishioners*
“Are you motherf-ckers back? No more humane catch-and-release, where can I get a glue trap big enough for temple moneylenders?”
It's Laid Out There For Us
"You guys couldn't follow ten simple rules?"
"9 out of 10. It's my neighbor's butt I couldn't leave alone..."
One Way Or The Other
"How's he coming about? If he descends from heaven as some kind of spiritual mouthpiece of God, it's probably going to be something along the lines of, "Wrong."
"If he goes the birth canal route again, it'll probably be, "Mama."
Hopefully, and this is a big hope, this world hasn't gotten so twisted that it's not possible to come back from.
Certain Demographics Really Don't Know Their Geographical History
"I died for this?"
"and WTF is this super white dude in all these pictures you're venerating?"
"I like the ones where he's draped in an American flag and holding an assault rifle."
Wonder What His Thoughts Are On All This?
"..... What's with all the crosses? Which part of my story made you think I liked crosses?"
"What's funny is that it was a stake rather than a cross and it was like a gallows - it was a common method of execution. They would put your hands above your head and drive a nail between your ulna and radius - you would slowly suffocate to death. That's why when they stabbed his side liquid flowed out, his lungs had filled with fluid."
"Like a lot of other religious customs it was adopted as part of bringing pagans who already worshipped a cross into the fold, they were allowed to keep their religious ceremonies and symbols just the meaning behind them was changed to be all about Jesus"
"What shouldn't be surprising is that the Cross and Christmas both rose to prominence around the same time."
Gone In A Flash
"One very audible sigh and just vanishes"
The day might never come, at least while we're all here, but we can only hope this world turns into the kind of one where the son of the great creator might be comfortable hanging around for a while. We should all work to turn this world into something a little nicer.
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