Raising children isn't for everybody. That is a cold, hard fact that everyone should really comprehend. Being a parent is one of the most, if not the most, important jobs in the world, it's a calling really. And being a good parent is essential. Being an unwanted human is the most devastating feeling in life. So that's why I get so aggravated when people try to push others to have children when they're not ready or are unsure. There is so much avoidable pain and heartache by just being honest.Redditor u/SniperGlizzy was wondering about some of the hard truths when it comes to parenting by asking people to share... [Serious] What is it like to have children you don't want?
Kids are not for everybody, especially me. I have little patience and I'm selfish... but all in good ways. ; Just not in the ways that best rear a child. I love kids from afar. And giving them back to their parents after hanging out for a bit is the greatest feeling of all. It's too bad that the people on this thread realized that far too late.
Not the Plan
I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby.
Two years of IVF later and still no baby.
After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorced.
She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her 'perfect' life.
The husband couldn't live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.
I have custody of my brother's kids. I didn't want them. I already have one of my own. My brother's kids are not as well behaved as my children. It is very frustrating. I love them. I will protect them and take care of them. I find myself very upset by the fact that I just can't seem to love them as much as my children. It's depressing. I hate myself because I feel this way. I wish it was just my children a lot of the times.
My brother's kids put a strain on my marital relationship, because they act out so much. My brother is homeless and addicted to drugs, with really no hope of him getting better. Heroin sucks. I just wish it would go back to a family of three. 7 is just too much for most things. Want a regular sized vehicle with smaller monthly payments and lower insurance? Nope, gotta have something that seats 7 or more. Holidays? Gotta plan on a family size of 7 instead of three. It's frustrating.
I try so hard to not let my nieces and nephews see that I struggle with this. But kids are smart and I know they pick up on this. I hate that I can't just be happy with this. At least for their sake. Can't talk to family about it. I'm this hero who took the kids so they wouldn't end up in foster care or group homes. But I'm really not a hero. I stepped up because no one else would, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.
I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition got worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them.
Crappy part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining a lot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick." I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.
I don't know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I'm told I'm a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it's just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it's not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn't painful. It's just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you're good at it or not.
At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I'm secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they're happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don't think I'm counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me.
I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I'm just not one of them.
So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they're no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it.
But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when's the next time I'll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it?
So, I don't know if I'm in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I'd like.
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
Oof those are tough tales. I pray that everyone who has been affected by these kinds of abandonment can find the mental help necessary. Children need structure and love so that they can feel safe. If you know in your heart you can step up for all of that, then just say it.
I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I'm the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don't care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived.
I've made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don't talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it's your parents. It's liberating.
I know someone who was diagnosed with MS and had 5 kids because each pregnancy her MS got better. She was a terrible mother. No involvement with her kids. Imagine growing up and at some point you figure out you were a medical treatment your mother was using to not have MS episodes.
8 of 9...
I grew up #8 of 9 kids, my oldest sister was responsible for raising each and every one of us, to this day she resents our mom for stealing her childhood. My sister has told us stories where as newborns we'd cry and my mom refused to get up and get us, she waited until my sister who was a full time student, to get up and take care of us while my mom just continued to lay in bed.
My mom knew she could continue to collect welfare as long as she had children in the house so she prolonged her welfare dependence by having so many children.
What A Woman Wants
I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1) if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children. Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.
Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.
I had genetic testing done during very early pregnancy to screen for congenital problems and mentioned I would abort if they were present. I had friends severely upset with me about this. I know I couldn't handle a disabled child financially or emotionally, I had to be honest with myself.
Who is that Guy?
I remember having to stop at my dad's work, the receptionist leading me back to his office, and her gushing about what a great guy he is and what a diligent worker to put in so much overtime. Just listening to this woman fail to realize she was describing an absent father, and a mean one at that.
This question makes me think of the guy who posted about having pressured his ex into having the baby when she found out she was pregnant. She agreed but only if she could give up all parental rights and (at time of posting) pays more than the required child support. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally oblige her to take care of the child.
Like, this lady got pregnant, didn't want to have a child, and agreed to carry the pregnancy to term only if she had nothing to do with the baby besides paying child support.
Buuuuuut 1.5 years later the guy realized being a single father was hard and wanted to know if he had any way to legally force the bio mom to physically help raising their son.
I don't remember where I saw the post, might have been r/legaladvice
I have spoken with a woman who feels nothing towards her kids. She had them because that is what the church requires and her husband wants them. But I don't think it's just the kids.
Even though she says she loves her husband I don't think that's what she feels for him. She was picked on severely growing up and he is really good to her. I think it's "thankfulness " that she feels and confuses it with love.
Anyways she knows that it's wrong (her words) to not love her kids and decided to view parenting as a project with the best possible outcome is have her children grow into healthy, happy and well adjusted adults.
She did clarify that she doesn't hate them or resent them. After all they were part of her life plan. So she made up a way following all the best parenting advice and making sure she follows through. For example, keeps track of how often she cuddles them (by minutes noted in her journal) and if she notices that she hasn't been doing it a lot she tries to correct it.
She also leaves discipline up to her husband because she doesn't want them to associate any negative feelings towards her.
She knows they'll eventually be able to recognize her lack of feelings towards them and will think her discipline came from a bad place.
From what she told me she has never explained any of this to her husband and he has no clue how she feels.
This conversation lasted about 4 hours and was the moment I realized that you can CHOOSE to be a good parent or a bad one. Regardless of how you feel it's never the child's fault and an adult is responsible for making up for what they lack.
I have three (a girl and twin boys). I really thought I wanted kids because that's what I thought I was supposed to do... be a wife and have kids.
I love them, and I want the best for them. But I don't have the same connection to them that other moms seem to have. I don't miss them when I have to go on a long trip, I just feel relief. Having them home because of the pandemic has been really hard for me. I have a lot of guilt about it.
I don't withhold affection or anything, but I'm not a naturally affectionate person.
My husband is. I feel pretty lonely and left out when they're playing together, I feel like I don't belong. It's a weird dichotomy.
I don't really know. Even though I'm surrounded by family, it feels pretty damn lonely. I don't feel like I belong in my own life. I fantasize about taking off alone and living somewhere by myself. But I don't want to mess them up like that, they're innocent and don't deserve it. So I do my best, and hope I'll be alive in 10 years to be alone again.
Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a sh*tty person) At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience.
It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation.
My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of crap and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.
My mother point blank told us she didn't want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It's always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It's made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I'd be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored.
My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife's then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It's not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself.
What Could've Been
A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids.
She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot.
I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her.
A Strong Son
My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I'm being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks.
I wasn't ready and I hadn't really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible.
Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year.
Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his "father" hasn't been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own.
My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I've made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn't want to be a parent after my daughter died.
Say it out Loud
My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He's 5 now.
I didn't plan to have kids, but I love her. I'm pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he's attached to my hip when he's here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I'd have preferred to not have a kid around.
I can deal though. He can be a little crap-head sometimes lmao. Also it's weird disciplining someone else's kid so I'm just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I'm supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird.
Never really said that out loud this is liberating.
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I have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young.
He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn't want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn't want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don't want—they're aware on some level.
I was the literal red-headed step-child, my mother married him when I was 4 years old. I'd get hit, locked in my room, and just assumed this was normal dad stuff. My brother was born when I was 8 years old - it killed me to note the difference. My primary function became almost full time nanny for him and later my sister. I remember getting beat because I wasn't doing a good job potty training brother.
The state removed me from the home after I was almost beat to death by him. F**k that guy - he died miserably of liver cancer. My mother never left him.
Every now and then well meaning aunties tell me I'll regret not being close to my mother, and I just kind of laugh. I made myself, without her, no need to try to wedge her back into my life.
"the next kid"
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.
We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more.
I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.
That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
If you never had a mother it is very hard to be a mother. Raised by people to whom you were an unwanted burden, an imposition, the child who was always in the way - a person like that, like me, does not know how to love. You know you are supposed to - you see it on TV, in the movies, you read about it in books but somehow it never happens.
If you where born and raised in a place and time where there was no birth control, abortion was illegal, a lot of children were not wanted. And then the child became an adult who did not know how to love any thing. This is a common enough story, no one likes to hear it so it does not get told.
Years of Bologna
I can tell you what its like being the unwanted child. I went to the dentist once in my first 17 years. I had broken my nose twice and I just had to walk it off. I never saw a doctor. I would get yelled at if my shoes wore out too quick and they were Payless $19.99 shoes. As soon as was able to drive the dinner table was only set for two instead of three because I could get my own food now.
My lunch was a Bologna white bread sandwich and an apple for 10 years straight. Fast forward I moved in with my grandma, she said she would help out with college if I helped out around the house. First few months she got me in the dentist fixed all my teeth and I got some braces on. Second I was a mouth breather so I went to a plastic surgeon fixed my deviated septum right up.
She also co signed on a car loan so I could get around. She embraced every friend that came to the house while growing my up friends hid from my dad because he was so mean. My grandma noticed that I would get home and run to my room and one day she told me I don't have to hide in there I can hang out wherever I want. Thats the difference between being a burden and being wanted.
I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can't remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn't want, I can't remember the circumstance of whether if was her's or a dead sibling's. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can't forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn't come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved.
That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn't love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I love my son, I would die for him, I'd kill for him if I had to.
Yet, if I could go back in time and not have children then I would. I was not prepared for a child, even though I worked, we planned this pregnancy. I was not prepared for how much I'd lose myself and my whole identity. I was not prepared for the sleep depravation, the constant screaming, the colic.
I think overall I had a very bad experience. I was very very sick after having a baby.
I will NEVER let my son know this, I will NEVER let my son feel he is unloved or unwanted. It was not his choice to be born.
EDIT: okay wow I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did. To those calling me a good mom, thank you. To those saying I'm a terrible mom well I don't care what you say lol, this is why women do not talk about this kinda stuff and suffer in silence.
To anyone really struggling and want to talk to someone who won't give judgement please dm me.
I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers.
It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.
My mom was very interested in performing motherhood in front of others, and I think she liked babies being completely dependent and unable to speak. Once I got older, started becoming more independent (more than my sister) she really started to dislike me. She was interested in the idea of motherhood, but not too keen on the work of being a mom. She gets along better with my older sister, but that's not saying a lot. My mom was very parent identified, so if she could have lived with her parents forever (without social judgment) I think she would have.
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My husband and I just got married and I've been wavering about my childfree decision because I'm almost 30. I've been wondering whether I could tolerate a baby. This thread just reaffirmed my decision. Thank you all for being honest.
Doing my Best
I can only speak on my experience. I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that. When she was born, I felt like I had postpartum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But... I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy.
There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her. Suddenly, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me.
She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world. Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."
I am really not proud to share this, but I went through a period of bad drug addiction resulting from mental illness and an abusive relationship (with the dad) so I actually had a period of time where I didn't want my children. Not as in I didn't want them to exist, I do and always have loved them, but I didn't want them WITH me basically because I knew that I was incapable of taking care of any of us so I was constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and just wanted everything to stop.
It was the worst and most heartbreaking period of my life because they deserved so much better and I knew it but I couldn't give that to them and every time they showed me any kind of affection I just wanted to break down because I didn't feel like I deserved it and didn't really know how to react.
I'm happy to say that I am now getting my crap together and we have a good relationship (I'm extremely grateful that they're still young and have no memories of the Bad Times.) At any rate, the problem was with me, not them.
Call me selfish...
I helped raise my ex's 4 yr old until she was about 6 or 7. I never got used to it. Yes I loved her very much and would do anything for her. I just couldn't deal with the crying and lack of sleep and being disobedient. Everytime I wanted to do something like play a game, go the bathroom or have a conversation with her mom she always butted in. Also she was an only child and always wanted me to play dolls with her or something. I just couldn't handle someone needing my attention like that all the time. Call me selfish. I went from being single for years to being daddy. I just realized I cant do it.
Don't Ruin Lives!!
My sister got pregnant by a total piece of crap she knew for 3 months.
Nephew born, he split. Loves her son, but not enough to take care of him. She moved in with my parents and passed all parenting duties to them.
It's obvious she resents him. She screams at him over little things. Everyone is miserable.
It's been a mixed bag. I had my son while I was 22, strung out, and going through a massive depression phase. I worked hard and saved money, and then my dad passed away unexpectedly a few months before my son was born. My wife and son moved into our family home, and it was functional. I hadn't stopped using, and it became the only way I could function. I used so I could work on 2-3 hours a sleep a night. Outside of working, my wife wasn't very helpful. Then she got caught smoking pot in the house, and my mom tried to have her arrested.
We were kicked out, homeless, and we lost custody of our son in under a week. We managed to pick ourselves up slightly, but I we struggled to stop using. I finally got clean, and got a divorce. I moved back home, and my son was diagnosed with Autism. I was working three jobs, and taking classes. Eventually I started using again to be able to keep up with everything.
Long story short: I'm sober and my son is in college. I'm very thankful for my mother and family for helping me out, and providing a safe environment for my son to succeed.
I don't have a very close relationship with my family or my son (their choice). I don't think I ever will. I was there during very important times in my son's development, and I tried as best as I could, but it always seemed like everytime things picked up, it always came crashing down. I never wanted to have children of my own, and don't consider myself a parent even though others tell me I am. It's a difficult thing to reconcile, and i struggle with it often.
Down the Drain
I'm an OB nurse. See it a lot. Also have a few coworkers in this situation. It's definitely hard being a spectator. One of my coworkers has a granddaughter no one wants and is two years old with ptsd due to her crappy living situation. When her 13 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant and my coworker started talking about it I naively asked/recommended abortion and now she doesn't talk to me unless I'm the only one around she can vent to. I just don't get it. This kids life is down the crapper already and she's two.
I am an unwanted child. My parents had addiction problems to both drugs and alcohol. My mother abandoned me and my dad when I was two years old to be with her new lover. My father was in the midst of a crippling pain killer addiction. My grandparents ended up raising me and they did their absolute best, but all of their love was never able to fix the deep seated abandonment issues I was left with.
Now I am 26, married and have two children. I never wanted to have children but because of my past and wanting love more than anything, I let my now husband get me pregnant at 19 with our first, and then our son was a surprise 4 years later. I struggle with motherhood in ways that I can not articulate, but even so, I love my kids dearly.
Sometimes though, I find myself wishing they would grow up and get out. I struggle with chronic mental and physical health issues I am just now starting to get treatment for, so those things don't help. I tolerate motherhood a lot of the time, and I feel insanely guilty for never really loving actually being a mother. It is okay though, only sometimes I actually show my discontent with motherhood, so I am getting better.
I love my son more than anything else in the world.
But he wasn't my idea.
My (now ex-) wife was dealing with mental health issues I still don't understand. It was one of the causes of intense stress in our relationship. Eventually she "decided" the "solution" was to have a child right away.
I told her we weren't ready, emotionally or financially, but I loved her so much (and still do) that I gave in. After all, I did want to be a father someday, so if starting a little too early could help bring us closer together, it would be worth it, right?
Now we have split custody, I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, our toddler son is struggling with the new reality of his broken family, and she's "doing great." At least that's what she says when she says anything to me at all.
I love him so much, he's the best kid in the whole world. He's the only good thing in my life. But I wonder every single day what life would be like if we had never had him.
And if I had never met her.
Whoever said "'Tis better to have loved and lost..." never met my lovely wife.
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I am that kid that wasn't wanted, I'm old now, but it really shaped some huge insecurities in me that I have tried to figure out all my life. I made it, despite being unwanted.
Man it's not like I don't want them let's get that out of the way. Would I have chose a different woman to have children with? Yes. She has a genetic thing that means she will have disabled girls no matter what and it's a 50/50 whether a boy will be disabled. We didn't know it was her until after our 2nd child. So it goes disabled boy, disabled girl then a regular normal boy. She booted me to the curb about 2 yrs ago and I had custody of the kids within 3 months. I've had 0 help from her or any of my family or hers.
She is off on meth having a blast of a life while I spend every moment changing diapers on an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old, going to therapies and just doing what I thought any dad would do in my situation. I have moments that i hate my life yeah but those pass and then the smiles my littles give me fix it all, sorry I know it doesn't fit your question exactly but I wanted to give a happier response than some on here have.
"ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved"
When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as hell from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines.
And this went on for the whole pregnancy... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just one single moment when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt relieved. I have yet to forgive myself for that.
My ex heard I was thinking of breaking up with her. 21 year old me was too stupid to realize that the condoms didn't just vanish all on their own and that the "it's totally fine bc I'm on birth control" story was a lie. She wasn't on birth control and had been telling people that she was gonna keep me no matter what she had to do.
Well, it worked for a while. I wasn't ready to have kids but I did want them eventually. I tried to do the right thing and married her and made it work for four years. Eventually the crazy witch decided that meth and lunacy was more important than her family so long story short, since my daughter was four it has just been the two of us.
I wish I could have avoided all the drama and pain that woman caused but to be 100% honest it's kinda worth it bc being a dad is the best. My daughter is 12 now and going into the teen years as a single dad is terrifying but i think it's gonna be alright. I'm glad I have her in my life even if I wasn't ready and had to deal with an abusive psycho to get her.
Know Your Limits
I'm not seeing a lot of first hand responses, so I'll jump on the grenade.
I have two sons who (despite loving them very much and wanting the best for them) my life would be much better if I hadn't had them. My whole life growing up I expressed doubts that I wanted kids, because kids freak me out. Everyone always said that it would be different when it's your own kids.
I'm sure for some people it is, but for me it's not.
I think I have some kind of phobia of kids. I'm on the autism spectrum (as is my oldest son), and I hate that I helped bring two people into this world that I can't be there for. I wanted to be a good father, and all things considered I'm still not terrible, but I don't enjoy time with my kids the way I should.
My wife and I separated when our boys were still young due to other issues in our relationship, she has since remarried to a great guy who is wonderful with our boys. She moved about 5 hours away but I still visit them on big holidays and their birthdays. I pay my child support without fuss. I'm happy knowing my boys are happy, but it's a weight taken off my shoulders that I'm not having to care for them, because I just can't.
If there was a moral to this story I would say that if you think you might not be able to handle kids it's perfectly okay to not have them. But make sure that's known early in the relationship. Don't expect your partner to change because they'll be expecting you to change as well, and one if not both of you will end up unhappy. The bonus moral is never trust someone who wants to use the rhythm method of birth control.
Silence the Bullies
I was made to feel that having children was my only use and that stuck with me hard. I have two kids and the last one was with my husband. He made me feel that way too and I got my tubes tied. I could scream at the freedom that my body is mine to do with as I please and everyone could go take a jump. Forget my family and that ex for gaslighting me and making me feel that because I was pregnant I had to keep them and forget me if I needed support. I used to scream and cry whenever I drove because I was stuck in a hole and no one would help me.
I overheard my mom talking to my sister through a cracked door that I was a witch because I was pregnant. I had to suffer mental abuse from parents who could hardly be brought to show their love. I talked to my husband about this a couple years later and he apologized and said he is ashamed for his part. My kids are 2 and 4 and I treat and teach them the best I can. You could say I spoil them but I call it love. I always keep in mind that I am better than my family, "shame on my parents for who I am, shame on me if I stay that way."
A quote from my corrections professor that I always remember.
Do I want kids... F**K NO but I have them and I'm going to do my best and be there for them. Forget people that bully you mentally, emotionally, and physically into doing their choices when it's your body.
Thats my burning rant about that.
Too Much Thinking
I was a planned, wanted child, and I have had a (mostly) happy life with parents who love me and who I love. But when talking about abortion with my mum, she said that if she'd known how badly I would suffer (I have fairly hefty depression), she wouldn't have had me. That was a hell of a thing to process.
Very few are answering the question, they are explaining what the feel like to be unloved or unwanted, some even describing what it's like if they never had kids. The question is "what's it like to have kids you don't want?"
The really grasp this concept, you need to understand it's not a sudden thing, it's a slow process; very very slow.
What you need to do, is before each Powerball drawing, go and buy a lottery ticket... then daydream about what your life would be like if you won. Every week, never be without a lottery ticket, and forever daydreaming about what you could be doing vs what you actually are doing.
It's mentally draining...
Another way to think of it is to get involved with a hobby you aren't interested in and don't want to do, but keep spending money on it and keep doing it. Then imagine what you would like to be doing instead, but keep doing the hobby you aren't interested in doing.
Born of Need
I myself don't have an experience with such things but in my country Hungary we have a "family helping program" kinda thing (if there are any Hungarians here could you please find a reasonable translation for "családi pótlék"?) which means that if you have 3 kids you get 10 million forints (roughly $30.000) which leads to a lot of children being born out of need instead of love which is a big problem considering the financial status of over 2/3 of the country.
The Other Life
I accidentally got pregnant when I was 24 because I didn't take my birth control correctly. (I gave her to a loving couple, and last I knew she was doing great) That pregnancy was honestly one of the worst things I've put myself through, and every now and then I wonder what things would be like if I had either not gotten pregnant, or had an abortion.
Use Controlthink winnie the pooh GIF Giphy
Being an unloved child is the greatest pain and destructive force a human being can endure. If you don't want a child use birth control. If you get pregnant anyway give the child up to an adoptive parent who wants a child to love.
There is no shame in not wanting to be a parent. There are other important things to be in life. I've seen the damage firsthand in my family. When a person is unwanted they know it. They just don't understand why, and that kind of internalized pain, can ruin lives.
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Christmas is upon us. It's time to get those Christmas present lists together.
So... who has been naughty and who has been nice?
Who is getting diamonds and who is getting coal? Yuck, coal. Is that even a thing anymore? Who even started that idea?
There has to be some funnier or more "for the times" type of "you've been naughty" stocking stuffer.
I feel like the statement coal used to make is kind of last century at this point.
Apparently I'm not alone in this thinking.
Case in point...
Redditor rallfreedom wanted us to update Santa's deliveries for the children on the naughty list, they asked:
"Since Santa is old, and coal was considered worthless back in the day, what new worthless item could Santa give to naughty children in 2021?"
If you really wanted to set me off on Christmas morning, then you should leave me something personalized. Something you how I'd hate. Like a cassette tape of 80's Christian soft rock. That would make a statement of just how naughty I've been.
What a DifferenceBlockbuster GIF by Big Potato GamesGiphy
"Blockbuster gift cards." ~ GamerOfGods33
"And still no one will shop at the one franchise location still open." ~ pesto_trap_god
"AOL Internet discs... (actually getting rare these days)." ~ whorton59
"After collecting enough of those AOL discs, I just open a bottle of Tennessee whiskey and make AOL disc fish wall art." ~ ExRockstar
"I wish I still had the picture, but my friend passed onto me a photo of a chair (more like a throne, if I recall) made entirely of AOL discs." ~ PM_MeYourSmilingFace
"Outdated phone chargers." ~ TheBrotherhoods
"A correct phone charger for the device, but it only works in one very specific angle and charges the phone super slow." ~ Karl_the_stingray
"People rave about how good old Nokias were but they forget that if you went up a version like you got upgraded to a 3310 from a 3210 then all your chargers were now something like 0.25mm too small and you had to buy all new ones." ~ erroneousbosh
"We currently misinterpreted what 'naughty kids get coal' originally meant. For a poor family in December, coal was the difference between warmth and freezing, hot food and not. 'Coal' was not something mean. It was like socks, now." ~ adaza
"Exactly. If the child was selfless, they would get a personal gift as a reward. If the child was selfish, they instead would get a gift to be shared with the family, forcing them to be more altruistic." ~ MoobyTheGoldenSock
Necessities...toilet paper help GIFGiphy
"Toilet paper. Just like coal, it's something the whole house needs and will use but is going to be bought anyway. It's also consumable and practical just like coal." ~ NeverGetaSpaceship
I could still use toilet paper. You never know when society is gonna go off into the deep end again and buy it all up. Remember the beginning of Covid?
Spinfidget GIF by Future GenerationsGiphy
"Idk why but I feel like fidget spinners would be pretty infuriating to the masses of children as something that still counts as a gift but is for sure a let down & past trend." ~ mmaster42
Way back when...
"An "Introduction to Windows 95" book." ~ Actual_grass
"There's one of those package shipping stores near me that sells all kinds of miscellaneous stuff. Anything to make a buck. They have a carousel stand with laminated sheets containing tips on how to use various computer programs. Still for sale as of last week: 'Shortcut keys for Windows XP' and 'Tips for using Microsoft Word 2010.'" ~ dartdoug
"He could give kids one of the old cables that was collected over the years but wasn't thrown away because it could need it at some point." ~ CaptWeirdBeard
"I have a tupperware tote full of those things. I'll sell it to Santa for scap value of the copper. You hear that Santa? $5 and it's all yours." ~ GreatJanitor
"A rotary phone." ~ cannotbefaded
"My Grandma had a rotary phone she kept(still worked so why not) as well as having a cordless phone. Had a relative that wanted to use the rotary phone the one time just to use it instead, decided they didn't want to do that again." ~ golden_fli
"Okay, I actually like rotary phones. I was young enough to remember using rotary phones and preferred using them to touch tone phones. Only because it was fun to spin the dial and watch it spin back into place." ~ GreatJanitor
So close...ronald mcdonald mcdonalds GIFGiphy
"McDonald's toys from 2 years ago. Old enough to not be popular trends, but new enough to not be collector's items." ~ GavinSnowe
McDonald's still has toys? Who knew? And those fidget spinners, how did anyone ever enjoy those? That would set me off as well.
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I admit, I love my stuffed animals. They're the best.
Some of them have been with me for years and I have them proudly displayed in different spots around my apartment. And when I've packed them for a move, I've done so with all the tender loving care I can muster.
What is it about them that stirs up these feelings?
Believe it or not, it's quite possible to form emotional attachments to inanimate objects!
People told us all about their own feelings after Redditor MoneySquare5734 asked the online community:
"People of Reddit, what weird sympathies do you have towards inanimate objects?"
"Computers when someone's throwing a fit or tantrum over something like a game lag, buffering or general software issues. Like dude, get angry at the real cause not the hardware thats essentially just the messenger."
We really mistreat our hardware sometimes, don't we? Going to apologize to my computer now.
"I think we're okay now..."
"I once slapped my iPad when it was being slow, then instinctively hugged it and apologised afterwards. I think we’re okay now but the level of trust definitely isn’t what it used to be."
Serves you right! You have a lot to make up for!
"I have way too much emotion..."
"I have way too much emotion invested in my Roomba. Especially as I only have one charging station, so when it's running in my living room/hallway, it can never get back to base as there's a step in the way."
"Usually feel guilty when I come home and find it stuck in some corner, knowing that it literally ran until exhaustion trying to find its home."
I do not have a Roomba but my friend has one and I think he has the opposite reaction. I think he mistreats his!
"All my dollar bills..."
"All my dollar bills need to face up in my wallet, otherwise I get the feeling those Georges and Lincolns are uncomfortable."
I think I do this too. I did not ask to be attacked like this.
"If I see..."
"If I see a really ugly plush toy at a thrift store, I feel compelled to buy it because I feel like it will just get thrown away. So now I have quite a few ugly plushies. I love them."
Aww, they now have a home with you and they must be so happy!
"I guess in general..."
"Abandoned toys. I guess in general I just feel so bad for any inanimate object that is no longer serving its purpose."
How many toys end up in the dump each year, I wonder? And how many of them are plotting their revenge as we speak?
"So I transferred everything..."
"I got a new cellphone not too long ago. So I transfered everything to my new phone but I didn't turn off the old phone afterward."
"This happened late on a Sunday and the next morning my old phone still rang to wake me up and I was somewhat sad that it still thought it was my current phone and that it still had the duty to wake me in the morning."
The feelings this stirred up... I did not know it was possible to feel this way!
"I am very appreciative..."
"Sometimes I give my car a pat on the dashboard and say thank you. It has carried me so many thousands of miles and i am safe. I am very appreciative of its hard work."
Aww. I don't have a car, but I get this! And your car appreciates YOU!
"When I was a kid..."
"When I was a kid I spent a whole afternoon feeding pebbles to a small drain outside my house because I thought it was hungry."
Okay, this is cute – and totally something a little kid would do!
"There's a thing I call..."
"There’s a thing I call 'mechanical empathy.' If you emotionally attach to your bike or car you’ll be kinder and more gentle to it."
"Some people are really rough on cars and other machinery, it’s painful to drive with them."
I was in a car recently with a driver who got a bad case of road rage and just slammed her hands on the dashboard whenever she was upset. That poor car!
Who knew we could feel so attached to the inanimate objects around us? Humans are fascinating creatures. We're capable of a lot of love and empathy, even for the smallest things.
Have some opinions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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They say your 30's hits different, like one day you're young a hopeful and the next day you're just WAY too old for this.
What is the "this" you're suddenly too old for?
No idea. It's different for everyone, but make no mistake, it'll happen to you too.
Maybe it already has?
Reddit user BMA1500 asked:
"What sh*t are you too old for?"
Let's take a look at how "too old" hit these Reddit users.
"Arguing with ignorant people on the internet."
"I have no patience or bandwidth to argue with random a-holes on social. Learned that lesson a long time ago."
"Too many fakes and bots now anyway. I am pretty much a 'read only' user of other platforms and only share opinions in person on polarizing issues."
"Petty games while talking to a potential partner."
"Just be straight up and real with me. Tricks are for kids."
"I've always felt this way."
"I remember when one of my girls explained the concept of 'playing hard to get' to me and I was annoyed just hearing it."
"If I have to chase you, that means you’re running away, and I don’t have time for that. If you seem uninterested, I’ll take it on the chin and leave you alone."
"If you like me just say that. If you don’t like me just say that. It’s not hard and moves the process along much faster."
"If you text me and I’m free, I’m going to text back. I’m not going to wait three hours for aesthetic purposes."
"The list goes on."
Cut That Out
"This sounds like some Instagram motivational sh*t, but spending time around people that I genuinely don't like or who make me unhappy and uncomfortable."
"There's so short of a time we have on this Earth and it just hit me right before I turned 30 that I spent a ton of that time with people who I thought sucked."
"I cut that out and I'm much happier."
"I realized this at my cousins wedding. I had a family member walk up to me flat out call me ugly, fat and say that I wasn’t the “good” family guy anymore."
"What!?!? Why would you even say that?? And they said it with a smile on their face the whole time..."
"After that night I haven’t spoken to them in 2 years and I’m super happy! I’m too f*cking old to be dealing with that nonsense for the rest of my life."
"It takes days to recover now, and most bad hangovers come with an existential crisis attached."
"When I was young I remember times I'd have a day off from work and be like 'Hell yeah, I'm gonna get trashed and play video games all night it's gonna be great!' "
"Now it's like "Great, I'm 3 drinks in and I'm just tired & have heart burn.' "
"It's not the same."
"I used to work 12-9pm, party the entire night. And then be back to work like a pro."
"If this was a Friday, partying used to resume Saturday afternoon. That was my early 20s."
"In my 30s now, and I wait for Fridays so that I can be dead on my bed the entire Saturday."
"The existential crisis is the worst. Just lying there wondering what the hell you are doing with your life, what came to this and when you are going to grow out of it."
"Then it passes and life goes on."
"General admission tickets. My old ass requires a reserved seat."
"Hahaha… last gen admission show I went to I had to find a 'comfortable' wall to lean on."
"When it comes to music festivals, the wife and I go for VIP just so we can get fancier washrooms and shorter lines at the food trucks."
"I agree but, man, it makes feel like I’m a spectator at at a concert and not part of the real party down on the floor."
"There comes an age when you have to consider... 'Do I really care what kind of clickbait sh*t my high school friends who I never talk to and never will see, likes?' "
"I only had Facebook because it helped with socializing in college/high school, but afterwards it's really hard to want to add new friends because they can see your history, and you can too."
"Honestly, the only reason why I have a Facebook is because I still have my mom as my friend and she passed 4 years ago."
"Every time I go on there, I'm tired now."
"I deleted Facebook three years ago."
"Found out all my Marine Corps buddies were either total idiots, painfully stereotypical post-9/11 veterans, ill-informed political junkies, and mostly people I haven't had anything to do with in years."
"Moving or helping other people move. Just no."
"I've moved a lot of times and have helped many people move."
"One of the best decisions I've ever made was hiring movers. 300 bucks for the big stuff is money extremely well spent."
"I've broken my body helping people move because I'm the 'young and strong guy' in the friend group. Way too many times now. F*ck that sh*t, hire movers."
"I can agree with this."
"I used to work as a mover for a couple summers and I don't even want to move myself lmao."
Not The Cool Old Guy
"I told myself when I get older I need to be open minded and not the close minded grumpy old man..."
"Then I see all these obviously staged videos and corny dancing/lip syncing stuff and realize it’s inevitable I am not gonna be the cool old guy."
"I have this exact same process with TikTok."
"I think to myself, 'I’m really the bitter old woman I said I would never be, aren’t I?' Lol"
"I’ve downloaded TikTok at least 3 times and deleted it almost immediately."
"I am drawing a line at TikTok. I’m old."
Since We're Talking About TikTok...
"When Macy's Thanksgiving Parade performers are introduced as "TikTok sensation" without any other credentials worth mentioning."
"I think the only performer I knew yesterday was Kelly Rowland because of Destiny’s Child."
"My google search history is full of my confusion."
"Oh man I’m so glad we missed the parade then. Maybe I’m just too old but that would’ve been cringe."
Why Are We Screaming?
"People (mainly young girls) who scream for no reason."
"I understand if you're terrified of something, but screaming when you meet up with your friends or just when the situation does not call for it makes me SO mad. I find it so infuriating."
"Just shut up. Lol."
"My kids learned a very long time ago not to scream like that. I hate excessive loud noise in any environment, but it’s especially nerve wracking in close quarters."
"My Mother-in-Law will have a dinner every so often for the family to get together. My husbands brother’s kids are so freaking annoying like this."
"We’re having pizza? Scream."
"We’re baking cookies? Scream."
"Someone found you in hide and seek? Scream."
"I’ve been too old for that since I was 6. Shit was ALWAYS annoying."
Real talk, apparently I'm *very* old going by the stuff on this list.
I'm gonna need to go sit with that for a bit... let me go turn on the seat warmer so my bones aren't stiff when I stand up later.
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Do all mothers go to the say mom school or something? Because they seem to share the same advice or go on the same platitudes, don't they?
Here's an idea.
Maybe they're just older, have more experience, and are trying to keep us from being dumbasses in public. At least, that's what I think.
I'm definitely grateful for my mother's advice—it's saved me more than once—and it seems many out there are too. And they all seem to have heard the same things from their mothers, too.
Any of these sound familiar? They probably do, and we heard all about them after Redditor lame_excuses asked the online community,
"What are some things all moms say?"
"I'll go first..."
"I'll go first: 'So if your friend jumped off a cliff would you jump off too?"
Okay, my mother did not say this, but all my friends' mothers did.
"We have fun."
"My mom always made me put on a coat when we went outside, even if I wasn't cold, simply because she was cold."
"Now that I'm an adult, she no longer tells me this but instead I complain about being cold and ask, indignantly, why no one told me to put in a coat."
"We have fun."
I want a documentary crew to follow you both around. It'd be hilarious.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
"When you lose something."
- Have you tried looking for it?
- Have you looked everywhere?
- Well, it didn't just get up and walk away.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
George Carlin knew what he was talking about. RIP.
"You know Glynis? She's your aunt's mother-in-law's close friend. Anyway, she died last week."
"I have eyes..."
"I have eyes in the back of my head."
"My mom used to say that to my sister and I so we wouldn't be sneaky behind her back. One day she was washing the dishes and I came up behind her with my two fingers and poked her right where I assumed her back eyes would be. She shouted, 'Ouch!' I believed her for years!!"
I was convinced of this too! Damn, my mother was good.
"I had some friends over..."
"I had some friends over when I was a teenager, and I bet them I could get my mom to say the word 'food.'"
"Hey, mom, what's for dinner?"
"Worked every time."
You both clearly planned this!
"When at the billing counter..."
"When at the billing counter every mom has the maternal instinct to say - 'Just stay in the line, I need to go grab a few more things.'"
This is my mother.
How many times have I dealt with this?!
“It’s because you didn’t drink enough water."
BUT I DO!!
"If you have siblings..."
"If you have other siblings and they’re trying to yell at you they will call you by all your other siblings' names before they get to yours. Usually starting with the oldest and working their way backwards."
Good thing my family was small!
"My Mum used to use it all the time..."
"'Soon.'" An indeterminate time frame from 5 minutes to several hours. My Mum used to use it all the time to deflect stupid questions like 'When is dinner?'"
"Answer: she always, always served it around 6 pm."
It's true! My mother would do this – and still does this. And we definitely don't eat as early as that!
Confirmed: All mothers meet for the annual mother convention to say all–and I do mean ALL–of these things to their kids.
Anything missing, though? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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