Mother In Laws already have a reputation for being The Worst™, but insert an already embarrassing situation, and what do you have? The answer is, a recipe for a stressful ongoing disaster.
u/ch3ssclub told us her story:
My [25/F] MIL [50s/F] walked in on my husband [28/M] and I having sex, and now she keeps directing these weird remarks at me.
We've been together three years, married three months. His family invited us to join them on a trip. Our first day there, SO and I decided to have a quickie before dinner.
We gave his mother a spare key card to our room just in case, but we did not expect her to use it. I guess we were running late for dinner. She came up to see what was taking so long, tried to open the door, unlocked it on her own (even though we put the do not disturb thing up) and caught us. She stared for a second and then ran out embarrassed. My husband and I burst out laughing. He closed the door, we finished
because we're monsters and went down to dinner expecting some awkward laughter and a joke or two.
MIL usually makes the innocent sex joke here and there so we didn't expect her to be traumatized or anything. But she has really made a point to direct weird, shameful remarks at me. Implying I'm a hussy for f*cking my husband, while conveniently ignoring the fact that she ignored all the signs and unlocked the door on her own.
SO has tried to talk to her but she "can't look at him". The rest of the family has no idea what happened.
TL;DR: on family trip. SO were having sex in our hotel room. MIL has spare key. She unlocked the door and walked in on us. Now she keeps trying to make me feel bad for having sex with my husband.
Here was some of the advice she got.
Hold on a sec, let me dig back into the fundamentalist southern baptist mindset here. Okay.
Sex is a god-given act of procreation, and Gob made us so that our lady parts line up perfectly with men's man parts. Is that an accident? Of course not! Therefore, any sex act that doesn't involve lining up those parts the way Gob intended and mashing them together is sinful. If you have to bend down or twist or stand on your head, Gob doesn't want you to do it.
Basically, just don't do anything that might make sex fun, especially anything that might make sex fun for women. Gob doesn't like women and if they start enjoying sex, Jeebus cries and everybody loses their boners.
If she continues to refuse to talk to him, he could write her a clear note, or email or something, saying "My wife and I had sex and you unfortunately walked in on us, despite having do not disturb signs up. We aren't ashamed of what we did, and if you have a problem with it I'm not sure what to tell you. But I WILL tell you that your comments degrading and shaming my wife need to end, or we will have to have a pretty serious conversation. Do not insult my wife any longer".
What the heck did she think she was going to find walking into a married couple's hotel room with a do not disturb sign up, without knocking? This is 100% on her. And it's 100% on your husband to tell her to stop the comments right f*cking now. I think this should probably be the end of MIL having a key to anything, including your home. If she has a key it's time to change the locks at home. And if she can't stop with the comments, you might need to take a time out until she can get over herself.
I would just make some remarks or jokes back about learning how to read (the sign on the door) and doesn't anybody knock anymore?
I am a Mother and MIL.
If - perchance - I had mistakenly seen such an intimate act between my son and wife - the most I would have said would have been nothing.
There is no need to "talk" about such intimate, private, marital relations with you (as it's none of her business anyway) and you don't have any obligation to do so either.
Let Mom stew and go on with your lives. Simply act as if nothing was seen. If she brings it up simply say "Oh we don't discuss private matters." Change the subject. If she persists, raise your eyebrows and walk away.
I believe within a short time things will revert to normal.
Oh - next time? Don't give Mom a spare key since she seems not to understand the basics of privacy and knocking on doors before entering.
Nana internet hug
He needs to tell her to knock it off, and if she keeps it up (or if she is doing it front of the family), tell her to knock it off and why (YOU used your key to walk into OUR room without knocking loudly, ignoring signs) in front of the rest of the family, and that if she is going to treat him and his WIFE badly, y'all are going home and instituting a period of no contact until she apologizes. Because she does not get to treat you two like sh*t.
I'm super fascinated that the crux of this post is that MIL is making weird remarks, but the weird remarks are being glossed over entirely (double bonus confusion that no one else in this thread seems to have noticed?).
You said there were remarks, you said that it seems to you like she's using the remarks to imply you're a hussy. What has she actually been saying to you?
Your version might be totally accurate. But there is definitely a world where this is all in your head and she's being perfectly fine, and you're projecting the weirdness onto her.
Can your husband talk to his father, perhaps? I'm sure she's been venting to him.
I find that a lot of mothers just can't let their sons go, the flip side of the fathers who threaten the boys their daughters date. You're supposed to rear children into becoming adults, and adults have intimate lives that their parents aren't part of.
Why not call her out on her behavior at the next family meal? Make everyone aware of her ridiculous behavior. CALL HER OUT ON IT.
"Oh geez Mom, really? We are newlyweds, what did you think you were going to see when you barged in our hotel room while a DO NOT DISTURB sign was up and we were unreachable? Why on earth are you implying that my WIFE is a hussy? We are married! EVEN THE POPE APPROVES OF OUR RELATIONS AT THIS POINT! Or maybe wife should get her own room so that you'll feel more comfortable? HAHA! Your behavior is borderline hilarious. Someone pass the bread, please."
Sometimes anger is an easier emotion to process than others and it may be easier to be angry at you than her son.
Her reaction isn't appropriate but it's up to your husband to deal with it. She possibly feels stupid for having ignored/not seen particular signs and is trying to deflect. No one is perfect and sometimes even the most experienced and reasonable of us have a hard time processing certain things. It's different knowing your child is a sexual being to actually seeing it - maybe that's what she's having an issue with?
Give your MIL some space and let her come round. Let her figure it out and don't make jokes about it for a while. Think of her as a small child who is feeling angry, hurt and confused and treat her with the kindness you'd give that child. It will all blow over but now is the time for sensitivity.