Typically before a big break up people already have a feeling that a storm is brewing. There is that spark of a moment when it hits “this is over, isn't it." For some it's a small thing like thinking about what they won't do with a spare room if their partner moved out, others it's when this lover was caught in the act with another.
For me, it was when we at down to a family dinner only to have our car surprisingly repossessed while sitting at the table. I found out the ex had spent hundreds on a multiplayer online game instead of making payments on the family vehicle. Right then was the realization that we had vastly different priorities and the days together would be numbered. Sometimes sharing these experiences can help others not feel so alone.
Redditor abul201 wanted to start the conversation about these moments. They asked:
"What was the exact moment you realized your relationship was doomed?"
From the minor to the heartbreaking, Redditors from all over shared the moments when they knew deep down it was over.
Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater...
“Using my ex's computer and saw a folder on his desktop with a random name. It was weird so I clicked on it and he had HUNDREDS of photos and screen caps of sexts, ads he put looking for women, emails, etc. It was insane. Some of the chats ended literally moments before I opened the front door.”
“Some of the chats were just complaining about me. Some were more romantic. A lot were purely sexual. I have no idea why he screenshotted them all. I have never felt that level of betrayal in such a short moment; it felt like I'd explode. So yeah, we weren't working things out after that lol.”
Parenting says a lot about a person...
“Almost 3 years ago now, my ex and I had plans for a couple weeks to take his 2 toddlers to Chuckie Cheese when I got off that day. He decided to go to CC by himself that morning to 'get out of the house.' He was screaming and cussing at them for not behaving while there and while having lunch at my work, and turned around while driving to spank one of them for something small, and I LOST IT."
“I let him know what I thought of his parenting, how I had raised his kids for two years and I was hurt he excluded me from family time, I let him absolutely have it about everything. 2 weeks later I was living with family instead of him. Thank God I got out. I'm currently laying in bed with the love of my life and our two dogs.“
This Redditor continued adding a more lighthearted break up moment...
“Also adding my funniest one because we aren't all perfect: I broke up with my last ex bc she ate my dessert and refused to accept it was rude. (After 6+ months of not being happy together, I'll add.)”
Hungry Bill Murray GIF by Groundhog Day
Giphy
“"When she stopped saying 'I love you’...”
“When she stopped saying ‘I love you’ at the end of our phone calls. I know it sounds minor, but that was when I knew. I don't think she even realized that I noticed.”
“Internally I was like brush...”
“I had this conversation with the last guy I dated. Apparently I knew things he told me which not even his friends knew and all. But I realised he doesn't ever initiate or let the conversation go that way where I can talk to him about my past relationships and all, I don't share much about family stuff initially.”
“He said he doesn't want to lose the spark and all excitement by knowing everything in one go. Internally I was like bruh, I have many stories atleast let me feel like you're interested. It was such a blegh answer. I said cool.”
“Maybe he didn't wanted me to get attached because he was going to change cities soon, but I already knew that. His way of handling it just made me realise, that I'm waiting for him to change cities soon, and if he was not , I'll end it anyway.”
What did he expect?
“When he showed up after disappearing for 5 days (after he'd picked a fight the same day he returned from a TDY and left saying he ‘was done’) and his first words were ‘I’m recording this and I'm just here to get some of my stuff’.
And then he had the audacity to be pissed and upset when I filed for divorce and moved out a week later because he ‘never said he wanted a divorce’.”
Sometimes things just run their course.
“We didn't have a crazy blowout breakup, it was a long slow death of relationship. We were laying in bed about a month before we officially split and she was expressing the possibility of leaving.”
“My first thought was ‘I could do so much cool sh*t with the office/spare bedroom once she's gone’ instead of trying to communicate or work through it in a constructive way. We had a good relationship, it had just ran it's course. But I suppose that's the exact moment I knew it was really over.”
Malaligned priorities...
“When she spent the mortgage payment on Facebook games.”
Video Games Gamer GIF
Giphy
Didn't want to deal with the consequences...
“When 3 days after admitting that she cheated and had sex with her previous boss, after 9 months of denying my suspicions and projecting on me, she said 'are you going to get over it already, or just hold this over my head forever?'"
Best Excuses For Late Assignments That Were Actually True | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
So much infidelity...
“When I went to use the iPad we shared and realized he hadn't logged out of his email. He worked out of town a lot, I found out he had an Ashley Madison account and had many posts on Craigslist 'in town for one night only, looking for sex'. Felt like I got stabbed in the heart right then."
“I never saw her for days on end.”
“When she started going out to friends' houses more and more. It wasn't that I was against her seeing her friends, but I mean it was to a point where I never saw her for days on end.”
“When she DID come back? She didn't want any sort of affection. Or touch. Or anything. I knew it was over, but my heart ruled my head and I tried to ignore it in the interest of saving it, but I knew.”
“Found out a day later she was cheating while she was ‘out with friends’. And that she had fallen for the guy she was cheating on me with.” We1tfunk
Off with his head!
“When I was in the hospital after a c-section and told him I just wanted a burrito for lunch and he said he wasn't going for Mexican, he was going to Panera. Then showed up and ate his Panera in front of me, didn't get me anything because 'you never told me what you wanted'." itsgravynotsauce
“it was past time...”
“When she kept saying in arguments, ‘What if I break up with you tomorrow?’ To be fair, she probably should have long before that.”
“When I pointed out to her that she was sounding like a broken record with that line, she admitted that she had been too passive-aggressive lately, and came out and said, ‘I've been unhappy for a long time.’ We both knew, then and there, it was past time for us both to walk away from that mess of a relationship.” tifftafflarry
Young love...
“After she moved over a thousand km north I flew up to see her during holidays. When I got there I already saw how much she had fallen out of love with me (which I know is normal, to a degree). I spent two weeks up there trying to stop it from going where it was going.”
“I flew home and we ended it on non hostile terms a few days later. Sucks to have a relationship end like that, especially my first and one that lasted over a year. All less than a month ago.” Lagoon2812
How many?
“I walked in on my ex gf in bed with her co worker. Also found she had been messaging 3 other guys and was f**king them too. That was 7 years ago, I still have trust issues. I've been ghosted 4 times in the last 6 months.”
“Last one really hurt, we were doing great and she vanished. Dating sucks. Keep it up, we will find our soul mates eventually!” Shut-the-fuck-up
*Gag*
“One day I came home from work and he was asleep naked in my bed. I always made my bed with lovely fresh white cotton bedding. He was 'straddling' the edge of the duvet... the edge of the duvet was between his arse cheeks. Also he didn't shower every day.”
“Also if I didn't wash his clothes, no-one did. The duvet incident must have been the straw to break the camels back, it repulsed me to the point where any attraction I had for him drained away in seconds. I shortly after met my husband who I have been with 8 years, who is deliciously hygienic and smells amazing.” TheOutlawJosieWhale
They needed to stay out of Google...
“When they would come to me every day and tell me they think they have a new mental disorder. They would self-diagnose almost every day and then refuse to see a therapist or doctor, and would instead come to me and ask for me to help, when I have absolutely no idea how to deal with that kind of stuff, and then get pissed off when I didn't know what to do.” Anonymous26576
She didn't care...
“When I realized she never asked me how my day was when I'd ask about hers. Never asked about my hopes and dreams, about how my weekend was, or how I was doing in general. She didn't give a sh*t about me.” ipromiseimcool
“This is one of those ‘hindsight is 20/20’ things, but. My ex fiancé got into a verbal altercation with someone at a screening of Batman. I guess she stole someone's seat and didn't tell me?”
“Just led me over to the seats. So I went to get popcorn and she stayed at the seats. Well, the person whose seat it originally was came back, and was (understandably) upset that she was sitting there. Instead of moving like a normal person, my ex proceeded to get in a yelling match with the guy.”
“I came back with popcorn & saw this happening, and tried to get her to move... no dice. An usher got involved. We ended up getting her to move seats but she proceeded to rant about ‘that jerk at the movies’ for a while after.... even tho she was, in fact, the jerk that day....”
“That was very early on in what turned out to be an abusive relationship that I should have run screaming from. But hey, hindsight and all that. Now I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who would never do that. Lol so it worked out.“ CubanaCat
“When he called me crying asking if I was dating him for his (family) money. We were in college. I worked, he did not. I paid for over 50% of what we did socially. I paid for his Xmas gift out of my own pocket, he had to ask his parents permission to charge mine to a credit card.”
“I was in an awesome program with great job potential, he was not. His mom hated me for ridiculous things, his father liked me though. The funny thing, his parents were well off, but not ridiculously rich. I started laughing when he said that. It was over by the end of the call.” whichtoo
Some of these moments were glaring realizations like catching infidelity while others were more gradual and subtle. One thing is for sure, relationships take work and if the work outweighs the happiness then it might be time to reassess.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Money and debt are my two biggest issues. Debt just keeps building if you don't get on it. I'm too afraid to call the student loan people. I'll do it tomorrow. Whoops...
MOST IMPORTANT!!!
Think About It Reaction GIF by IdentityGiphy"Mental health. It took me years to realize how much I've dissociated. It became how I deal with everything. There are so many unhealthy ways to live your life by ignoring mental health."
Check the skies...
"Terminal velocity."
"Birds crap at up to 26,000 feet, or 14000% higher than the CN tower. When was the last time someone got killed by falling avian feces? But no, seriously. I used to work on tall buildings and radio towers. I'm also afraid of heights, so while I was up there I'd work out out how fast various things would hit the ground to distract myself."
"Air resistance is a real witch, and rotational effects make it even slower. Pennies dropped off the tallest building west of the Mississippi, the one I was on top of, would barely break 22mph. Harking a loogie over was no worse to pedestrians than pigeons."
"It was only once I got into the tools I was using that there would be an injury. A 9/16 wrench dropped 900 feet might actually kill someone, if it hit them in the head just right. The 1-inch would kill someone most of the time. Needless to say all my tools were on loops, and undroppable."
- technos
"participate"
"Disassociation. Your brain is an incredibly powerful force and it can start working against your best interests so quickly while telling you that everything is fine."
"Thank you for this. I looked up dissociation in Google from this thread. I realize I have been struggling with both derealization and depersonalization in teens, and even now to some extent. I too think physical activities and activities I am really passionate about are the ones I "participate." I can say I have been a spectator to many years of my life and not feel my own experience. It is really strange, how do we come out of it??"
I'm scared to be honest...
"Mental and emotional abuse. Damn, I'm 36 and still trying to undo the damage done my whole childhood. The pain of beatings doesn't compare to how mental and emotional abuse screws with me every day in so many ways. And even stupid stuff. I go into fight or flight mode if my boss wants to talk to me. I constantly think my friends and my husband are mad at me or sick of me. I'm scared to be honest about my feelings sometimes because I don't want to be ridiculed."
Need Zzzz...
Stressed Episode 19 GIF by The SimpsonsGiphy"A severe lack of sleep. I have no longer been able to sleep at night for some odd reason, so my brain causes me to essentially pass out during the day."
Open your mouth...
Richard Kiel Smile GIF by James Bond 007Giphy"Take care of your TEETH. Unless you want to end up with a molar shattering one day and having to get a quadruple root canal."
Dear Doctor,
"Just got gallbladder surgery! I had a pain under my right ribs off and on. Then at one point it wouldn't go away and kept getting worse. Had an ultrasound and emergency surgery like two days later. I had a huge gallstone blocking my bile duct, and it would have ruptured. Yeah pain can come and go, but if it gets to the point where it is there all the time, go to the doctor!"
Love your skin...
"Strange skin growths. One of my wife's uncles was at a family gathering that was also attended by my BIL, an ER doc. The uncle mentioned that he'd had this odd growth on his leg for some time but hadn't bothered to do anything about it. Showed it to my BIL who adamantly advised him to get seen immediately. Uncle still took his time—too many other things to do or whatever. A year on an the man is just riddled with cancer. I don't think there's much to be done other than making him as comfortable as possible at this point."
Messages...
"Email. My kid almost lost the financial aid award because it's summer; I don't have to check my email. It was an intense hustle to get everything squared away and not lose that spot at college."
- awill237
"At the beginning of all the grad school classes I TA'd for I always ended the first day by asking, "Who here has a smartphone? Who has an email app on their phone? Who has their student email account synced with the app?"
"It was always all hands raised, all hands, two or three hands. I would make them set it up before they left. Checking your email in the morning and evening takes maybe 5 minutes on average unless you are a very important person in some organization who should really be checking more often!"
the long list...
list GIFGiphy"Headaches, skin cancer, tooth pain, kids, UTI which can turn into kidney infection, wound infection, bowel disease, debt, bad relationship."
The list is endless. So just start chipping away. Stay on top of it. Teeth and mind first. Stay calm.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.