Married People Explain How They Tactfully Initiate Sex With Their Partner

A couple making out in the kitchen
We-Vibe Toys/Unsplash

Positive emotions are high among people in the blossoming phase of relationships.

Everything seems more romanticized for people in love due to the amorous joy in their hearts–which also influences their desire to frequently get it on under the sheets–or any other daring location in the heat of the moment.

But for those who've declared "'til death do us part," devoted couples may find that they are not always on the same wavelength sexually compared to when they first met.

Curious to hear how people keep their passion alive, Redditor Rude_Phone6841 asked:

"Married people, how do you initiate sex with your partner?"

When verbally articulating isn't enough...

Let The Book Dictate When

"There is a book called 'How to Subtly Tell Your Partner You Want More Sex.' If you sleep on the right side of the bed, you can casually open it up and your spouse will see the giant printed title on the front. Sometimes, I’ll just get the book out and leave it on his side of the bed. Once he was messing with me and acting like he was oblivious to my not-so-subtle hints, so I threw the book at him. The book is effective and hilarious."

"ETA: Sadly, we haven’t found the book since we moved. Fortunately, we’ve started communicating with our words instead. Words are just as effective."

– Flaky_Finding_3902

Save The Date

"I send her an outlook calendar event and if she accepts, IT'S ON."

– Dawn_Piano

The Signal

"You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business."


These couples find that verbal cues are best.

Now's The Time

"Honestly when we have the time one of us usually bluntly says 'let's go have sex right f'king now before we can't' and we go do it. Lol"

– brie1305

Option A Or B

"I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Some of the best sex we had was because I said 'after 2 year old goes down and if 2month decides to sleep do you want to meet in the basement' well she decided to sleep and damn that was good."

– Ahkmedjubar

End Of Day Reward

"We just ask each other tbh. We’ll bring it up earlier in the day so we build up the anticipation with each other throughout the day, flirt with each other, gas each other up. All that. Then when it’s finally time at the end of the day, we usually fall asleep cause we’re so tired."

"But the cycle continues the next day!"

– supermariobruhh

People continued offering their wisdom.

Afternoon Hanky Panky

"The trick is to initiate sex during the day. We are both too tired at the end. Plus hanging out all day after is somehow more rewarding."

"Same goes for dates. Have sex at the beginning the date, then go enjoy your time together without any pressure."

– drneeley

Kids In The Equation

"This literally happened today with my wife and me. We have two toddlers so we’re extra exhausted. Earlier today we had the sexy initiation of 'hey, we both showered today, want to have sex after the babies are asleep?' 'Sure.'"

"Then when the kids were asleep, and my wife and I were getting settled into bed, she asked if I still wanted to. I said if she wants to I’m down, but I’m pretty tired and would be fine without it. She said she was also tired and could do without it. So we kissed each other good night and she went to sleep. I’m just winding down on Reddit for a few minutes before I also fall asleep."

"I know this is boring. I didn’t write this to tell an exciting story. Just to share what married life is like for me and probably the large majority of married couples, especially parents of young kids."

– MolotovCollective

Shadow Puppet Technique

"Use my phones torch to shine a shadow of my member up against the bedroom wall."

"Kinda like a bat signal of sorts."

– SchoonerOclock

Mood Lighting

"Turn off the lights and switch on the red lamp beside the bed."

– SuvenPan

Reliable Visual

"Walk by him while taking my top off. He follows me wherever I go and it's been 30 years and counting."

– LisaBooHigh

Every couple is different, and usually establishing a strong communication bond makes everything else in the relationship–including sexy time–falls in line effortlessly.

I knew a couple who made a game out of foreplay and agreed that whoever got home first from getting off work at the same time got to choose the sexual position that night.

They may no longer be together, but I remember them recalling how that technique was fun for them at the beginning stage and it took the pressure off of establishing when they were going to have sex.

Don't take get too anxious about it. It's just sex, and it's fun.

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