Divorce arises from a lack of connectivity between two parties. Both get into their head the person they're with is no longer for them. You both split up, eventually move on, and hopefully get on with your life. That's how it should work, right? Not always.
Reddit user, u/werewolfbarmitzvah03, had a story to share and asked for whatever help she could get with her situation. She began:
My husband (M25) told me (F26) a few months ago he wanted a divorce. Today he said he made a mistake.
I'm gonna start this out by saying I don't know what I'm looking for here. Reassurance? Helpful anecdotes? Outside opinions? I think I know what I want but how can you ever be sure?!
I'll try to make this short and sweet, please let me know of any helpful information I likely missed. Been together nearly 9 years; married for just over 4.
In January he told me he didn't want to be together anymore. As we aren't just "together" we're married, I wasn't sure what this meant. We talked, we figured some sh-t out, we agreed on counseling, we did nothing for three months.
In May he told me he was leaving to go stay with a friend. After a lot of back and forth I went to stay with some family, he enjoyed his alone time where he could be autonomous and alone. We went to a few sessions but after a lot of drama with his family I came back home in June. That night he said he thought we should get a divorce. I agreed since it felt like the whole thing went from an "us problem" that we could work on together, to a "him problem" in that he stated he just wanted to be alone.
He has been one of my very best friends for the better part of a decade - obviously this sucked. But I'd been dealing with the idea for a few months now, I was processing, I was finally telling my family and friends, I was becoming okay with the whole moving on thing. We talked about keeping in touch to an extent. I talked to a recruiter about joining the Navy. Things were okay.
Unfortunately we've been living together still (in separate rooms) because of some financial stuff, so we do see quite a bit of each other. This past week I really started thinking about what moving on would look like. Do I want to just have fun? Do I want to be by myself? Do I want to swear off men and go live in a shack in Scotland with a bunch of sheep? Who knows.
So last week we went out for a drink where I may have gotten a little petty and mentioned some boys at work that had been paying attention to me and how I felt about it and what I was going to do about it. I'm not sure where this came from as I generally do not act like that, just a culmination of feelings that busted out in an immature way in order to get a reaction. Well that worked! He was pissed.
We talked (and cried) a lot this weekend. Mostly just about being sad it has to be this way, awkwardness of not being together anymore, blah blah blah.
So today he sits me down to talk. What percent over him am I? I think I made a mistake, I don't want to file the papers I wonder if you want to work on this. Uhhh???? Awesome. Great. Except that for 8 months now I've been coping with the fact that you don't want to be with me and trying to deal and now all of a sudden you miss me and you f-cked up??? Now you realize that you don't want to live without me?
Not to mention there was a whole thing today where he got infuriated I was texting another guy because obviously I got his number with certain intentions (and I did, was I not supposed to be moving on over all this time??) and how he feels so stupid now and he shouldn't have said anything. I just don't know which of the thousand feelings I have to actually feel at the moment.
I always laugh at the posts where they say at the bottom "sorry, this got long" but uh, sorry this got long.
I feel hurt still over the back and forth and the general behavior of the past year. I just don't know if I want to try to work it out?? And not because I'm talking to some guy because I just got his number today, it'd be pretty easy to shut it down, but because I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal. Is this a mistake on my end?? Should I be trying harder to salvage this??
Tl;dr - Husband wants to end things. Flash forward a few months though my processing and just kidding I made a mistake! Let's work it out, he says. I don't know where I stand or what I want
Continue On As Planned
What has he been doing all this time? Has he been going out or talking with other women?
He's been fine being separate all this time but now that it appears you could actually put him behind you he wants you back.
You're his safety net. He wanted to go out and do his thing, drink, party, sleep around, whatever. But still have you at home waiting for him so when he was done he could come back and continue as if nothing happened.
He's been expecting you to be there ready to let him crawl back into your bed.
Now that you're making moves and letting him know you're not going to do what he imagines you doing. He realises he's going to lose a good thing. If he can't have you no one can.
If I were you I would continue with the separation.
Time Changes People
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I had something similar happening with my then financé. He treated me like I didn't exist for months and was set on leaving.
Then when I actually accepted that was really happening and moved to my parents place, got with a boy to have some fun, he was suddenly all "oh I want to try again". I said yes, moved in again and realized I lost all respect for him during those months. I couldn't do it, I felt trapped and I left for good a few weeks later.
It's my story, and we weren't married. If you chose to stay, go to couples therapy because this won't work well without. And watch things closely, maybe you are better of without him (I was).
Come To Terms With Being Seen As His "Toy"
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Like a child, he is only interested in his toys when they're about to be taken away. It's no coincidence he became a lot more interested in reconciliation only after it occurred to him that you were about to move on.
Expect that interest to evaporate as soon as you appear okay with going back to the status quo of being his celibate roommate.
Remind Yourself It's A Betrayal
I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal
It is a betrayal, and you shouldn't forgive it.
He told you in January that he wanted to break up with you. He presumably meant it, because you do not tell your partner of 9 years you want to end the relationship unless you mean it. And now he just wants you to forget the last 9 months of misery, loss, loneliness, and self-reflection, and just carry on the marriage as though the last year didn't happen?
No. He doesn't deserve you. If he regrets his mistake, that's on him. He can live with it. You are not a yoyo he can spin around at his whim.
Remember How Far You've Come
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He's using you as a safety net. Now that you've shown him that you are more than capable of being happy without him, and with men other than him, he feels jealous. Who knows what he's been doing while he was "alone", but I suspect that if he's pursued other women, he has not been as successful, if at all.
I would move forward with your separation. You seem like you've gotten to the point where you want a divorce more than you want to be married to him, and frankly I don't think this relationship has much of a shelf life if you do decide to stay married to him.
Think Of What's Going On Behind The Scenes
His girlfriend dumped him. If you take him back he will do this again when he gets another girlfriend.
Make Past Actions Known
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An ex put me through this. The breakup blindsided me unlike in this case, and was really upsetting. But after a couple months I was pretty much ok with it. Can't make someone be with you, right? And I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince. So I told him nah, I don't want to be friends, he was right, we should both just move on.
Well then he starts sending me flowers and sh-t and asking why I don't want to talk to him. Uh...... because you dumped me, maybe?
In the end I had to get forceful with HIM. You broke up. It's over. You made your choice, stop calling, stop emailing, you wanted to move on so move tf on.
I don't believe he was cheating. I saw no signs. I think he was just a broken confused person who thrived on NRE and drama. He wasn't interested anymore when we started to get comfortable in the relationship so then he had to create drama to keep it interested.
It's Okay To Acknowledge This Is Hard...
I agree with other posters that he likely either had someone on the side that dumped him, and you are his safety net, or he sees you moving on and doesn't know how to process the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that are cropping up, or some combination of the two.
But, this is about you and how you feel... I would say it's totally reasonable to feel hurt, betrayed, and as if you have "shut down" and have nothing left to give to this person and this relationship. Honestly, people can't just throw you away and expect to pick you up in the same condition they set you down. You are right to protect yourself moving forward. But only you can decide if that means ending this for good and moving on, or trying again with this guy with both eyes open.
Personally, I know for me, once someone shows me I'm disposable when shit gets real, I'm inclined to believe them and find someone who can commit. So no, "should you" isn't a question you should be asking. "Can I" or "Do I want to?" is the question you should be asking yourself. If the answer is no, give yourself permission to accept that.
Will it be hard to separate from someone you grew up with? Sure, but that doesn't mean you should force yourself to stay in a relationship that is no longer working.
...But, Remember This Simple Piece Of Advice:
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As the saying goes, "if it's not HELL YES, it's no."
Your husband keeps changing his mind. That's not a hell yes. You deserve someone who doesn't even have to THINK about whether they want to be with you.
I hope you find them. This one blew his shot.
H/T: Reddit
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
Out Of Office Summer GIF by Merge MansionGiphy"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
Giphy"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
miss cleo fraud GIFGiphy"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
fire burning GIFGiphy"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
Drag Racing Vegas GIF by Don Schumacher RacingGiphy"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
Johnny Depp Drinking GIFGiphy"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
Smell It Season 6 GIF by This Is UsGiphy"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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