Divorce arises from a lack of connectivity between two parties. Both get into their head the person they're with is no longer for them. You both split up, eventually move on, and hopefully get on with your life. That's how it should work, right? Not always.
Reddit user, u/werewolfbarmitzvah03, had a story to share and asked for whatever help she could get with her situation. She began:
My husband (M25) told me (F26) a few months ago he wanted a divorce. Today he said he made a mistake.
I'm gonna start this out by saying I don't know what I'm looking for here. Reassurance? Helpful anecdotes? Outside opinions? I think I know what I want but how can you ever be sure?!
I'll try to make this short and sweet, please let me know of any helpful information I likely missed. Been together nearly 9 years; married for just over 4.
In January he told me he didn't want to be together anymore. As we aren't just "together" we're married, I wasn't sure what this meant. We talked, we figured some sh-t out, we agreed on counseling, we did nothing for three months.
In May he told me he was leaving to go stay with a friend. After a lot of back and forth I went to stay with some family, he enjoyed his alone time where he could be autonomous and alone. We went to a few sessions but after a lot of drama with his family I came back home in June. That night he said he thought we should get a divorce. I agreed since it felt like the whole thing went from an "us problem" that we could work on together, to a "him problem" in that he stated he just wanted to be alone.
He has been one of my very best friends for the better part of a decade - obviously this sucked. But I'd been dealing with the idea for a few months now, I was processing, I was finally telling my family and friends, I was becoming okay with the whole moving on thing. We talked about keeping in touch to an extent. I talked to a recruiter about joining the Navy. Things were okay.
Unfortunately we've been living together still (in separate rooms) because of some financial stuff, so we do see quite a bit of each other. This past week I really started thinking about what moving on would look like. Do I want to just have fun? Do I want to be by myself? Do I want to swear off men and go live in a shack in Scotland with a bunch of sheep? Who knows.
So last week we went out for a drink where I may have gotten a little petty and mentioned some boys at work that had been paying attention to me and how I felt about it and what I was going to do about it. I'm not sure where this came from as I generally do not act like that, just a culmination of feelings that busted out in an immature way in order to get a reaction. Well that worked! He was pissed.
We talked (and cried) a lot this weekend. Mostly just about being sad it has to be this way, awkwardness of not being together anymore, blah blah blah.
So today he sits me down to talk. What percent over him am I? I think I made a mistake, I don't want to file the papers I wonder if you want to work on this. Uhhh???? Awesome. Great. Except that for 8 months now I've been coping with the fact that you don't want to be with me and trying to deal and now all of a sudden you miss me and you f-cked up??? Now you realize that you don't want to live without me?
Not to mention there was a whole thing today where he got infuriated I was texting another guy because obviously I got his number with certain intentions (and I did, was I not supposed to be moving on over all this time??) and how he feels so stupid now and he shouldn't have said anything. I just don't know which of the thousand feelings I have to actually feel at the moment.
I always laugh at the posts where they say at the bottom "sorry, this got long" but uh, sorry this got long.
I feel hurt still over the back and forth and the general behavior of the past year. I just don't know if I want to try to work it out?? And not because I'm talking to some guy because I just got his number today, it'd be pretty easy to shut it down, but because I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal. Is this a mistake on my end?? Should I be trying harder to salvage this??
Tl;dr - Husband wants to end things. Flash forward a few months though my processing and just kidding I made a mistake! Let's work it out, he says. I don't know where I stand or what I want
Continue On As Planned
What has he been doing all this time? Has he been going out or talking with other women?
He's been fine being separate all this time but now that it appears you could actually put him behind you he wants you back.
You're his safety net. He wanted to go out and do his thing, drink, party, sleep around, whatever. But still have you at home waiting for him so when he was done he could come back and continue as if nothing happened.
He's been expecting you to be there ready to let him crawl back into your bed.
Now that you're making moves and letting him know you're not going to do what he imagines you doing. He realises he's going to lose a good thing. If he can't have you no one can.
If I were you I would continue with the separation.
Time Changes People
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I had something similar happening with my then financé. He treated me like I didn't exist for months and was set on leaving.
Then when I actually accepted that was really happening and moved to my parents place, got with a boy to have some fun, he was suddenly all "oh I want to try again". I said yes, moved in again and realized I lost all respect for him during those months. I couldn't do it, I felt trapped and I left for good a few weeks later.
It's my story, and we weren't married. If you chose to stay, go to couples therapy because this won't work well without. And watch things closely, maybe you are better of without him (I was).
Come To Terms With Being Seen As His "Toy"
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Like a child, he is only interested in his toys when they're about to be taken away. It's no coincidence he became a lot more interested in reconciliation only after it occurred to him that you were about to move on.
Expect that interest to evaporate as soon as you appear okay with going back to the status quo of being his celibate roommate.
Remind Yourself It's A Betrayal
I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal
It is a betrayal, and you shouldn't forgive it.
He told you in January that he wanted to break up with you. He presumably meant it, because you do not tell your partner of 9 years you want to end the relationship unless you mean it. And now he just wants you to forget the last 9 months of misery, loss, loneliness, and self-reflection, and just carry on the marriage as though the last year didn't happen?
No. He doesn't deserve you. If he regrets his mistake, that's on him. He can live with it. You are not a yoyo he can spin around at his whim.
Remember How Far You've Come
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He's using you as a safety net. Now that you've shown him that you are more than capable of being happy without him, and with men other than him, he feels jealous. Who knows what he's been doing while he was "alone", but I suspect that if he's pursued other women, he has not been as successful, if at all.
I would move forward with your separation. You seem like you've gotten to the point where you want a divorce more than you want to be married to him, and frankly I don't think this relationship has much of a shelf life if you do decide to stay married to him.
Think Of What's Going On Behind The Scenes
His girlfriend dumped him. If you take him back he will do this again when he gets another girlfriend.
Make Past Actions Known
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An ex put me through this. The breakup blindsided me unlike in this case, and was really upsetting. But after a couple months I was pretty much ok with it. Can't make someone be with you, right? And I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince. So I told him nah, I don't want to be friends, he was right, we should both just move on.
Well then he starts sending me flowers and sh-t and asking why I don't want to talk to him. Uh...... because you dumped me, maybe?
In the end I had to get forceful with HIM. You broke up. It's over. You made your choice, stop calling, stop emailing, you wanted to move on so move tf on.
I don't believe he was cheating. I saw no signs. I think he was just a broken confused person who thrived on NRE and drama. He wasn't interested anymore when we started to get comfortable in the relationship so then he had to create drama to keep it interested.
It's Okay To Acknowledge This Is Hard...
I agree with other posters that he likely either had someone on the side that dumped him, and you are his safety net, or he sees you moving on and doesn't know how to process the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that are cropping up, or some combination of the two.
But, this is about you and how you feel... I would say it's totally reasonable to feel hurt, betrayed, and as if you have "shut down" and have nothing left to give to this person and this relationship. Honestly, people can't just throw you away and expect to pick you up in the same condition they set you down. You are right to protect yourself moving forward. But only you can decide if that means ending this for good and moving on, or trying again with this guy with both eyes open.
Personally, I know for me, once someone shows me I'm disposable when shit gets real, I'm inclined to believe them and find someone who can commit. So no, "should you" isn't a question you should be asking. "Can I" or "Do I want to?" is the question you should be asking yourself. If the answer is no, give yourself permission to accept that.
Will it be hard to separate from someone you grew up with? Sure, but that doesn't mean you should force yourself to stay in a relationship that is no longer working.
...But, Remember This Simple Piece Of Advice:
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As the saying goes, "if it's not HELL YES, it's no."
Your husband keeps changing his mind. That's not a hell yes. You deserve someone who doesn't even have to THINK about whether they want to be with you.
I hope you find them. This one blew his shot.
H/T: Reddit
Of course, most of the time, it was “just a phase". And looking back, those phases are regrettable, to say the least. Here are some prime examples of that.
SirGergoyFriendman asked:
What was your biggest/most regrettable "It's not a phase, mom. It's my life." that, in fact, turned out to be just a phase and not your life?
The enthusiasm of a young person can lead to some unexpected changes that parents are just not ready for.
Hi, Wheeljack!
I was VERY into The Transformers when I was a wee lad in the 1980s. One day, I decided to change my name to the name of my favorite Autobot. My name was lame, and I wanted an awesome Transformer name. And I was VERY insistent that my parents only call me by my new name. Calling me by my 'old' name would cause a big fat tantrum on my part.
So for the better part of a week, my poor parents had to call me Wheeljack.
Very 2008.
Ariana Grande Shrug GIFGiphyMy cat-ear phase. I wore cat ears every single day. Everywhere. I had like 20 pairs of them. Now everyone thinks I'm a furry.
I find that very cute and wouldn't have thought you'd be furry. Even if you'd had cat mittens. I think my suspicions would have started if you moved a bit like a cat, displayed catlike grooming habits or got a cat mask.
Not gonna lie, that car sounds cool.
I went to a car show once as a teen, and the only newer car there was some chick's PT cruiser. It was hot glittery pink, and at the time I was obsessed. I insisted that one day I would have a hot pink car, with pink seats, pink dash, pink carpets, etc. I was pretty heavily goth at the time, so my parents just rolled their eyes.
These phases can often lead to some very strange fashion choices.
That’s commitment.
When I was a teenager (early 00s), I was waiting for my mother to pick me up and was wearing one of those sh!tty sports wristwatches. It was itching me so I took it off for a second, but then she arrived and because I was struggling to get it back on my wrist, I looped it around the equally sh!tty chain I had around my neck in a rush to get out the door.
My mom asked me about it in the car, and I told her this was my new style and I planned to wear it like that every day. She rolled her eyes.
I wore that watch on a chain around my neck every single day for 3 years or so. There are even professional family photos where I'm wearing it because I refused to take it off.
One day, the chain broke and I lost the watch. I was in high school at that point anyway and it was a major lady repellent, so... phase over.
Not everyone can be Eminem.
slim shady eminem GIFGiphyBaggy pants, being a rapper someday and being a professional skater.
When I was about 14 and Eminem was starting to blow up I bought myself a keyboard with a synthesizer. It cost like $200 which was all the money I had saved up. It finally came (this was way before amazon prime and such) and I tried rapping.
My sister told me "you're effing horrible" and I gave up right then and there.
This should be a sin.
I used to button the top buttons of polo shirts.
I must say, this is probably the worst one I've read.
Looking back at our regrettable choices, all we can do is cringe.
An optimistic look at bad tattoos.
check me out season 3 GIF by PortlandiaGiphyBeing a tattooer. Regrettable because of those poor people who have my awful doodles on their bodies.
Take heart! My favorite tattoo is the one I drunkenly got my buddy to do in his living room one year during March Madness! It's dumb and frankly mediocre? But such a good story and has such good associations I smile every time I see it.
RIP Fredro’s.
My friend and I decided we were going to open a bar in Jamaica with exotic snakes in glass cages in the walls at each booth. We convinced ourselves it would be amazing for at least two years in college. It was going to be called Fredro's.
My entire family made fun of me for it. Once we got out of college, we realized it was not feasible and joined the office grind. We're also two white guys with no ties to Jamaica.
Talk about cringey.
I wore a top hat with an anime pin on it for around a year. Met one of my current best friends while wearing it, idk how he could bear to speak to me after that.
My weirdest phase was probably when I insisted on wearing knee-high rainbow socks to school every day. But honestly, I don't regret it. I rocked those socks, and I wish I still have a pair.
To all the people out there cringing over their past selves, remember that you were just a kid, and to be easy on yourselves. After all, we've all been there
Yet, too often, manufacturers who oversell their products fail to deliver what is promised and are inevitably left with angry customers who want their money back.
Whether the merchandise was defective or ridiculously overpriced, strangers online shared some of their worst purchases when Redditor BooksMcGee asked:
"What is the worst product you ever paid money for?"
Short Life Span
"This NERF gun that's supposed to shoot tennis balls for your dog. I bought it cause I thought you could load 3 at a time and shoot them far, but it's just one and it's super loud and the gun broke after like 4 shots (reading reviews later, this was a common issue)."
Lame Pets
"There were these toys called squiggles when I was a kid and the commercials made it seem like the toy was alive. It looked like you would get this crazy little fuzzy worms as pets that would follow you around an so sick tricks and listen to your every command. It was really just a piece of fluffy string tied to another piece of string with googly eyes on it. People may say that it was supposed to be a magic trick but they should also explain that to a 5 year old who really wanted a pet."
Card Value
"Not their fault, but I paid $70 for a Yugioh card hours before it was limited to one copy. Probably dropped to $20 by the end of the day."
These purchases were bad for your bum.
"A bicycle that literally fell apart before I made it out of the parking lot."
Not Worth Sitting On
"Joybird brand couch. Was so terrible, we returned it. Still hard to believe, we returned a freaking couch."
Going Nowhere Fast
"A 2000 VW Beetle (used)."
"Biggest piece of sh*t that literally had to have just about everything replaced before 100k miles and would still break down every time you left the driveway to the point where the tow-truck driver knew us on a first-name basis."
Expensive Lemon
"An Oldsmobile Achieva from one of those buy here pay here places. I should have known better, but I was young and thought I was getting a good deal. I had the thing for about 5 months, I drove it for maybe 3 weeks. The rest of the time it was either in the shop, or in my driveway waiting until pay day so I could afford to fix whatever broke on it this week. Eventually told the dealer just take it, I'm not paying for it any more. He said nope, and I will make sure your credit is ruined. I said well you sold me a lemon, do you really want to go this route? He came and took it. Never reported anything to credit. I heard he got sued by several other people who sold sh**ty cars too and eventually went out of business."
"Always amazes me when I see them driving around still, I can only assume there's enthusiasts who just love repairing horribly designed cars."
– zerbey
These Redditors were not convinced what they ingested was edible.
Bad Cereal
"A box of plain Cheerios. Thought they were honey nut, poured a bowl, was very disappointed."
"If I wanted to taste cardboard, I'd just eat the box."
– gor8884
Space Pizza
"A burnt frozen pizza at the air and space museum cafe in DC. I Don't wish that experience on anyone. There are some amazing restaurants in DC, don't settle."
– Alseids
The following electronics just gave off a bad charge.
"Asus Transformer Pad TF700"
"This was one of those early 'high end' Android tablets that was grossly underpowered, and it showed. Thing was slow as sh!t in no time flat. Rookie mistake investing into shiny new tech while they were still working all the bugs out. Think I paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $350-400 for it..."
– Luke5119
Bad Apple
"macbook pro 2018 13" touchbar. 2 years old and dead (battery). they're asking $300-$400 to change the battery. malfunctioning keyboard with double presses and missing presses. that's a lot of money for bad design."
Chilly Reception
"Past winter my old room heater broke down and I had to buy a new one. Went to a store nearby and somehow got convinced to buy a very costly heating device.. It's also my fault, since there were some sligthly cheaper options around, but nope. I wanted the expensive one thinking it will make my small room a volcano with little to no effort/cost (that's also what the seller told me). Long story short the device wasn't doing ANYTHING. No significant temperature changes, too much space, a weird noise, and was doubling my previous device in utility cost. I still gloom over those 80 euros.."
Some of my disappointing purchases was clothing, but only because I purchased them online. Unless they are a brand I'm familiar with, I'm usually fine with buying new jeans off of their websites.
But when it comes to graphic tees only available on specialty shops, an M-size shirt is not necessarily the same size as those found in other reputable stores.
I bought a medium sized T-shirt from a boutique store online because I loved the look of the design. But when it arrived, the supposed medium fit me like an XL.
At least I gained a fierce cleaning rag from this impulsive purchase.