Divorce arises from a lack of connectivity between two parties. Both get into their head the person they're with is no longer for them. You both split up, eventually move on, and hopefully get on with your life. That's how it should work, right? Not always.
Reddit user, u/werewolfbarmitzvah03, had a story to share and asked for whatever help she could get with her situation. She began:
My husband (M25) told me (F26) a few months ago he wanted a divorce. Today he said he made a mistake.
I'm gonna start this out by saying I don't know what I'm looking for here. Reassurance? Helpful anecdotes? Outside opinions? I think I know what I want but how can you ever be sure?!
I'll try to make this short and sweet, please let me know of any helpful information I likely missed. Been together nearly 9 years; married for just over 4.
In January he told me he didn't want to be together anymore. As we aren't just "together" we're married, I wasn't sure what this meant. We talked, we figured some sh-t out, we agreed on counseling, we did nothing for three months.
In May he told me he was leaving to go stay with a friend. After a lot of back and forth I went to stay with some family, he enjoyed his alone time where he could be autonomous and alone. We went to a few sessions but after a lot of drama with his family I came back home in June. That night he said he thought we should get a divorce. I agreed since it felt like the whole thing went from an "us problem" that we could work on together, to a "him problem" in that he stated he just wanted to be alone.
He has been one of my very best friends for the better part of a decade - obviously this sucked. But I'd been dealing with the idea for a few months now, I was processing, I was finally telling my family and friends, I was becoming okay with the whole moving on thing. We talked about keeping in touch to an extent. I talked to a recruiter about joining the Navy. Things were okay.
Unfortunately we've been living together still (in separate rooms) because of some financial stuff, so we do see quite a bit of each other. This past week I really started thinking about what moving on would look like. Do I want to just have fun? Do I want to be by myself? Do I want to swear off men and go live in a shack in Scotland with a bunch of sheep? Who knows.
So last week we went out for a drink where I may have gotten a little petty and mentioned some boys at work that had been paying attention to me and how I felt about it and what I was going to do about it. I'm not sure where this came from as I generally do not act like that, just a culmination of feelings that busted out in an immature way in order to get a reaction. Well that worked! He was pissed.
We talked (and cried) a lot this weekend. Mostly just about being sad it has to be this way, awkwardness of not being together anymore, blah blah blah.
So today he sits me down to talk. What percent over him am I? I think I made a mistake, I don't want to file the papers I wonder if you want to work on this. Uhhh???? Awesome. Great. Except that for 8 months now I've been coping with the fact that you don't want to be with me and trying to deal and now all of a sudden you miss me and you f-cked up??? Now you realize that you don't want to live without me?
Not to mention there was a whole thing today where he got infuriated I was texting another guy because obviously I got his number with certain intentions (and I did, was I not supposed to be moving on over all this time??) and how he feels so stupid now and he shouldn't have said anything. I just don't know which of the thousand feelings I have to actually feel at the moment.
I always laugh at the posts where they say at the bottom "sorry, this got long" but uh, sorry this got long.
I feel hurt still over the back and forth and the general behavior of the past year. I just don't know if I want to try to work it out?? And not because I'm talking to some guy because I just got his number today, it'd be pretty easy to shut it down, but because I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal. Is this a mistake on my end?? Should I be trying harder to salvage this??
Tl;dr - Husband wants to end things. Flash forward a few months though my processing and just kidding I made a mistake! Let's work it out, he says. I don't know where I stand or what I want
Continue On As Planned
What has he been doing all this time? Has he been going out or talking with other women?
He's been fine being separate all this time but now that it appears you could actually put him behind you he wants you back.
You're his safety net. He wanted to go out and do his thing, drink, party, sleep around, whatever. But still have you at home waiting for him so when he was done he could come back and continue as if nothing happened.
He's been expecting you to be there ready to let him crawl back into your bed.
Now that you're making moves and letting him know you're not going to do what he imagines you doing. He realises he's going to lose a good thing. If he can't have you no one can.
If I were you I would continue with the separation.
Time Changes People
GiphyI had something similar happening with my then financé. He treated me like I didn't exist for months and was set on leaving.
Then when I actually accepted that was really happening and moved to my parents place, got with a boy to have some fun, he was suddenly all "oh I want to try again". I said yes, moved in again and realized I lost all respect for him during those months. I couldn't do it, I felt trapped and I left for good a few weeks later.
It's my story, and we weren't married. If you chose to stay, go to couples therapy because this won't work well without. And watch things closely, maybe you are better of without him (I was).
Come To Terms With Being Seen As His "Toy"
GiphyLike a child, he is only interested in his toys when they're about to be taken away. It's no coincidence he became a lot more interested in reconciliation only after it occurred to him that you were about to move on.
Expect that interest to evaporate as soon as you appear okay with going back to the status quo of being his celibate roommate.
Remind Yourself It's A Betrayal
I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal
It is a betrayal, and you shouldn't forgive it.
He told you in January that he wanted to break up with you. He presumably meant it, because you do not tell your partner of 9 years you want to end the relationship unless you mean it. And now he just wants you to forget the last 9 months of misery, loss, loneliness, and self-reflection, and just carry on the marriage as though the last year didn't happen?
No. He doesn't deserve you. If he regrets his mistake, that's on him. He can live with it. You are not a yoyo he can spin around at his whim.
Remember How Far You've Come
GiphyHe's using you as a safety net. Now that you've shown him that you are more than capable of being happy without him, and with men other than him, he feels jealous. Who knows what he's been doing while he was "alone", but I suspect that if he's pursued other women, he has not been as successful, if at all.
I would move forward with your separation. You seem like you've gotten to the point where you want a divorce more than you want to be married to him, and frankly I don't think this relationship has much of a shelf life if you do decide to stay married to him.
Think Of What's Going On Behind The Scenes
His girlfriend dumped him. If you take him back he will do this again when he gets another girlfriend.
Make Past Actions Known
GiphyAn ex put me through this. The breakup blindsided me unlike in this case, and was really upsetting. But after a couple months I was pretty much ok with it. Can't make someone be with you, right? And I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince. So I told him nah, I don't want to be friends, he was right, we should both just move on.
Well then he starts sending me flowers and sh-t and asking why I don't want to talk to him. Uh...... because you dumped me, maybe?
In the end I had to get forceful with HIM. You broke up. It's over. You made your choice, stop calling, stop emailing, you wanted to move on so move tf on.
I don't believe he was cheating. I saw no signs. I think he was just a broken confused person who thrived on NRE and drama. He wasn't interested anymore when we started to get comfortable in the relationship so then he had to create drama to keep it interested.
It's Okay To Acknowledge This Is Hard...
I agree with other posters that he likely either had someone on the side that dumped him, and you are his safety net, or he sees you moving on and doesn't know how to process the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that are cropping up, or some combination of the two.
But, this is about you and how you feel... I would say it's totally reasonable to feel hurt, betrayed, and as if you have "shut down" and have nothing left to give to this person and this relationship. Honestly, people can't just throw you away and expect to pick you up in the same condition they set you down. You are right to protect yourself moving forward. But only you can decide if that means ending this for good and moving on, or trying again with this guy with both eyes open.
Personally, I know for me, once someone shows me I'm disposable when shit gets real, I'm inclined to believe them and find someone who can commit. So no, "should you" isn't a question you should be asking. "Can I" or "Do I want to?" is the question you should be asking yourself. If the answer is no, give yourself permission to accept that.
Will it be hard to separate from someone you grew up with? Sure, but that doesn't mean you should force yourself to stay in a relationship that is no longer working.
...But, Remember This Simple Piece Of Advice:
GiphyAs the saying goes, "if it's not HELL YES, it's no."
Your husband keeps changing his mind. That's not a hell yes. You deserve someone who doesn't even have to THINK about whether they want to be with you.
I hope you find them. This one blew his shot.
H/T: Reddit
Curious to hear what strangers online would think about modifications to their work schedule, Redditor LanaDelCoochie asked:
"Do you believe in the 4 day work week? Why or why not?"
People mentioned how poor time management was more problematic.
Marking Time
"Some jobs are literally waiting for something to happen."
– Leeiteee
Working Efficiently
"I don’t mind working if I’m busy, but sitting somewhere staring at a clock waiting for the time when I’m ‘allowed’ to leave drives me crazy. If there’s nothing for me to do, let me go home. You’re just wasting my time and your money."
– uglyuglydog
Slow Shift
"I'm food service, my first store was so slow I only needed 2 people in the afternoon. I intentionally worked 11-2 then 5-11 just so I didn't have to twiddle my thumbs and clean already clean things for 3 hours each day."
– BlueNinjaTiger
Stress Of Killing Time
"My current job (the contract for which expires next Friday, but is up for negotiation tomorrow) is 15-20h WFH at my convenience. I wake up at 3am, log in, and work until everyone else in my house gets up- usually, 7. If I need to add some hours, I log in again while my toddler is at preschool."
"A few years ago, when I worked for this same company, I was tied to a desk in a poorly-renovated school building and very frequently had nothing to do. I cannot tell you how many books I read during my days at my desk in the summer with nothing to do. I browsed Reddit a fair amount, sure, but it was easier to leave a Kindle window open just a sliver next to an Excel spreadsheet to look busy. I re-read a few of my favorites; I read many new things."
"But it was so maddeningly frustrating to be stuck inside at work with literally nothing to do, waiting for anything to come to my inbox!!"
– WomanOfEld
People discuss the pros and cons of working remotely.
Benefits Of Working From Home
'If there’s nothing for me to do, let me go home.'
"Which is one of the reasons I've liked working from home since Covid started. If things are slow and I don't have anything to do, I can relax for a bit and wait for stuff to pick up."
– Surax
Being Productive While At Home
"100%. I'm newish at my current job, so I try to be in the office as much as I can. But if it's a slow week and I already foresee my Thursday/Friday being slow- I'm staying home. I'm still doing what I have to do, but I can simultaneously do other things like read or watch something without feeling guilty, do some laundry, hang with my dog, etc. After my first full year I will most likely be normalizing this to be my Friday each week at the very least."
"On the other side of the spectrum, my last job was fully remote and I was a little too bored and also didn't push to do anything beyond my basic responsibilities, so that was very unhealthy. It's good to be at least moderately productive and accept a new challenge every now and again. I basically did nothing for 2 straight years."
– daveblu92
It's A Preference
"I totally get why people love it, but I am so unproductive at home it‘s crazy. Tried nearly every trick in the book, but when it comes down to it just going to somewhere else for work does the trick for me."
"I think working from home is a nice tool, but it certainly isn‘t a solution for everyone. And even working from home a 4 day week makes a big difference."
– Ulldra
Not For Everybody
"For me, I am discovering the reason for my unproductivity is lack of interest in the work. Like, if I go into the office then I feel I have to make it worth it by getting the work done. If I am working from home though... I feel so unproductive because I just don't care. Like I could get the work done easier while nobody is interrupting but instead I interrupt myself."
"I've got one more week in the current job then I start a new one where I actually feel interested in what I will be doing there. Who knows how long that will last for but it just feels more like something I'd like to think about than twiddling my thumbs."
"Not the case for everybody but something to consider."
– Libriomancer
The limited work schedule seemed to please a good majority of people.
The Popular Opinion
"You might be surprised. I work with a lot of folks who still do the five-day work week, but all of them have been incredibly respectful and accommodating of our 4-day week. They ask me to schedule a meeting or call on a Friday, I reply with 'I don't work on Fridays, what other options work for you?' and they invariably give me other options without batting an eye. And frequently say 'I wish we were on a 4-day week, too.'"
– Mehitabel9
The Thing About Fridays
"It’s because even people who 'work on friday' don’t really work on Friday. Especially if your office has a WFH policy, 90% of the company will be from home on a Friday. And 95% of that group is signing off at 1pm, and breezing through their morning/just shaking their mouse. Just watch peoples skype statuses on Fridays lol."
"And even before Covid when I had to go into the office on Friday, it was well recognized that Fridays were for chilling. You don’t schedule a 3pm friday meeting."
– Count_Rostov_
Worker Burnout
"Yes worker burn out is real."
"So much work in offices is just created to fill time, make things more efficient, pay people the same, get the same amount done with happier workers."
– lemons_of_doubt
Opinions varied across the board since different jobs come with specific demands.
But the overall complaint had to do with the mismanaging of time, with many arguing if there was no further work to be done at an office, employees should be sent home.
Conversely, even a handful of those who worked remotely had the itch to be in a less distracting environment.
Personally, I'd rather be working from home than inside a cubicle at a job location–even though the latter may be more conducive to work efficiency.
What are your thoughts?
Curious to hear examples of exploring this notion Redditor LinksOtherUncle asked:
"What’s your story about 'the one that got away' that turned out being a gigantic bullet dodged?"
These Redditors had no idea their romantic interest would wind up in trouble with the law.
She Did Jail Time
"She tried to stab the next guy she wound up with and did a little jail time. Came out an addict and proceeded to destroy herself."
"On a positive note, she’s good now, but if I see her coming down the street, I’m crossing the damn street."
– Jimi204
Leaving For An Ex Con
"Was incredibly close to a gorgeous girl in my friend group. We’d dance at raves together, make out drunk, and talk on the phone for hours most nights. Whenever I'd ask her out on a date she’d say 'I don’t think I’m ready for a boyfriend yet but I like what we have.'"
"We’ll eventually she starts dating an ex con. They start doing drugs together. She runs a few thousand dollars on her dads credit card and gets kicked out of her house. She moves in with her now bf and a friend, then one day her bf trashes the place in a rage so they get kicked to the streets. A few years go by and she’s been arrested a few dozen times and serves a three year prison sentence."
– dirtybrownwt
Killer Relationship
"I was dating a guy a few months ago that was the sweetest person ever. 10/10 in every single way. He just got arrested for murdering two people."
– Nice_Rise6702
Had these Redditors pursued their relationships, it literally would've been the death of them.
Filled With Rage
"I've told this story before in another post. Anyway, I was engaged to this guy who was apparently engaged to this other girl too. I dumped him of course and they got married. He strangled her to death."
– sarcastic_monkies
These might sound like plot lines in a convoluted rom-com but with no happy ending.
The Saga
"My very first girlfriend whom I truly 'loved' at the ripe age of 17, dating for about 7 months. We had plans to move interstate together, she moved first to secure the accommodation, I was to follow a week later once I’d finished working. Two days in she told me not to bother because she’s met someone. I was devastated for a whole year afterwards."
"She ended up marrying the guy and moved in with him and his best friend. Lived together happily for a few years, no issues with the marriage whatsoever."
"One summer, ex-girlfriend, hubby and housemate all decided to go on a 3 week road trip together. Partway through, hubby gets called back to work and has to fly home. Ex and housemate finish the trip and return home."
"Upon returning, ex and housemate announced they had discovered their undying love for each other on the trip, and would henceforth be an item. Hubby, understandably crushed."
"Here’s the kicker, not only did the three of them live together, so hubby had to listen to them sleeping together every night, but hubby and housemate worked together in the same company, in the same cubicle, directly opposite each other."
"Edit: I discovered this when I took a job at that same company, and heard the tale around the office."
"Ex and housemate have since had a child, and I’m eagerly awaiting the next chapter in the saga."
– PM_ME_LADY_SHOULDERS
Closet Romance
"Not exactly the same, but two friends through high-school got married a couple years after we graduated. Night before the wedding (for some reason) we had both the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties (because why not be hungover on your wedding day?)"
"Bachelor party decides to crash the Bachelorette party at the strip club we were at, where I bought the bride a private lap dance in the back. Husband to be decides he doesn't like seeing us at a strip club, queue huge parking lot fight where the owner is threatening to call the cops if we don't leave the premises. Screaming, yelling, throwing things."
"Anyway, we get back to the house and go to bed - a few of the wedding party were staying at the house that night."
"I get called into the office, where bride to be and our friend is naked making out with each other. They confessed their love for one another and wanted to be together before she got married."
"I'm in the living room, Husband to be comes out asking where bride is. I answered loudly enough for them to hear. He goes and opens the office door and shouting commences."
"She was scrambling to put clothes on and he was hiding in the closet naked."
"A few hours later, we're all awkwardly standing as they get married on the beach."
"They were divorced shortly after."
"THEN"
"Fast forward several years. A friend puts on a 'friend reunion', because nobody had set up a proper high school one. She is remarried and has a few children at this point. All is going well at the party, and I go to find the restroom. I open a closet door on accident and there she is, making out with the original friends brother. I just closed the door and continued to find the bathroom."
– PM_ME_OCCULT_STUFF
Look, it's hard to accept the fact that the person you love doesn't feel the same way.
But when they reveal their true colors–or murderous streak–in their next relationships, it makes getting over them that much easier.
This is also a good reminder that we shouldn't be blinded by love. Because you might miss seeing red flags.