Death is a hard topic to discuss. Besides the obvious, it's difficult to grasp that someone once in your world is gone. It's even harder if you truly loved that someone. Sons, daughters, spouses, none of them would comfortably accept the person they cared about is no longer there. What about those uncommon relationships? How would you handle that?
Reddit user, u/[usernamedeleted], needed advice about how to talk to someone about a death when they asked:
Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?
My daughter died three weeks ago. My wife and I are obviously upset but we're coping. I'm posting this because I'm a little worried about her boyfriend. I've been back to her grave three times and he's been there every time. Just sitting there. The first two times I left, because I didn't want to bother him, but yesterday I went over and talked to him. We went to a bar and talked some more.
I'm not going to pretend to know the guy, I had only talked to him 5 or 6 times prior to this. But he seems like the type of guy who keeps to himself, with not too many friends. He's also a bit of a nerd. He reminds me of myself actually, which is part of the reason I feel the need to help in some way. When we were at the bar he said a few somewhat alarming things , but these two stuck out: "she was all I had... I have nothing left" and "I'm lost without her."
I suggested therapy, told him that it's helped me in the past, but he had no interest in it. I offered to let him stay at my house, I can't imagine its very nice sleeping in the apartment that she died in, but he declined. I'm not really sure what to do. He said things that made me think he might commit suicide, but I don't know him that well so I can't be sure. He just seemed so gloomy. Advice is appreciated.
tl;dr:Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?
Get To Know Him, First
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I'm so, so sorry for your loss. This must be a very trying time for you and your wife.
As I am sure you and your wife have noticed, it is a lot easier to overcome grief when you have someone to share with, but this young man has lost the partner who he would normally have shared his grief with. It is very noble of you to want to try to guide him through his grief. But considering you don't know him well, I doubt there is much you can personally do for him except continue to be pleasant with him when you happen to see him, and try to keep in touch and talk to him if he is willing. If you know how to contact his parents, or if you know any of your daughter's close friends who might also be close with him, the best thing you can do is to inform them of the sentiments he expressed to you and that you are worried about his mental health and ask them to keep an eye on him and check in with him to make sure he is safe.
Just Include Him
My gf died when she was 21 and I was 26. What helped me the most was the family continuing to include me in their life. They made me feel like part of their family. They'd have me over for dinner on random nights, and I'd even spend thanksgiving with them and go to their lake house a couple times. I think it helped them as much as it helped me.
But I really didn't know how to grieve and would spend all day thinking like "what do I do now?"...Not a deep philosophical question but literally what do I do today/tonight? Passing time became incredibly difficult, so every time anyone included me in anything was greatly appreciated. I feared having to go home after work with nothing to do, knowing I'd be alone with my thoughts all night. She committed suicide, so it was impossible not to think about suicide. Not doing it myself, but just that it exists, and it's scary. Unlike other causes of death, you can't sweep that dark thought under the rug. It's right in your face. So just being around people I know was helpful. Being with her family was doubly helpful because I could kinda see how they were grieving and take cues and learn from them.
Put On Your Oxygen Mask First...
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I'm so sorry, I can't begin to imagine.
As to what you can do... I guess just keep talking to him and giving him someone to talk to. Maybe invite him over for dinner or something, you all have a chance to talk about your daughter/his girlfriend and at least you know he's eating one decent meal that day. It's tough, you've got your own grief and your wife's grief and now you're taking on helping with someone else's as well... that's true grace.
By the way, remember the rule of the oxygen masks and if he is going down a bad way and it's exacerbating your grief then call his family or a mental health team in.
Go Through It Together
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Find a local grief support group and go to the next meeting and bring him. Tell him you're going to try it just once, but want him to come along as moral support for you.
Find That Common Ground
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First of all, I am sorry for your loss.
Second of all, you sound like a phenomenal human being for caring about your daughter's boyfriend. He sounds like he needs professional help as well as someone just physically being there. If you and your wife are comfortable with the idea, maybe have a weekly coffee/dinner/whatever with him and just talk about how you are all doing and/or your favorite memories of your daughter. I think one of the worst part about losing someone you love is that it makes you feel incredibly isolated and alone- maybe he needs people around him that know just how great of a person your daughter was so they can understand how profound his grief is.
Since you said he's like you, maybe connect on stuff you guys have in common so your relationship isn't revolving around death. If you're into Star Wars, maybe talk about the new Star Wars movie? If you're into D&D and are going to have a game night with people, maybe invite him?
That being said, I think I would still every now and again bring up therapy. Perhaps not in "you should do it" sort of way, but you heard about a therapy group and you might try it out. That way, he is always reminded of the option.
You're a good dad, OP. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Hugs Are A Good Place To Start
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When I was 19, a girl I was very close to died in a car accident. Her brother is still one of my two best friends (I'm almost 40 now). She and I had dated all through high school (for me).
I remember at the visitation walking to see her in the casket and her dad was there, greeting everyone as usual. When I got to him I broke down. It's hard for me to write about now. I loved her so much and still do.
Anyway he basically held me up. I think he was the first adult to give me a hug during that time. My father was absent. My step-father was a drug addict. He showed me what a real man is.
I have two daughters now (4 and 5) and a wife I love dearly. I'll always remember how even though his only daughter was in that casket, for that moment he put that aside and loved me as much as anyone ever had. That memory has served me all through my life of what it means to be a man and servant of God.
Peace and Grace to you.
Keep The Memory Alive
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Grief counciling would be the best bet.
Short of that then remembering the times you shared with your daughter (keeping her memory alive) I find is a helpful part of dealing with it, though everybody is different. It hurts when it is so raw but as time goes on the pain dims and those memories make you smile.
I personally believe the best thing you can do for anybody who leaves your life is to find happiness and remember them.
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A Couple Of Tips
I'm pretty sure this is too late to get any attention, but all I care about is that you read this, OP. My wife's boyfriend before we met and married was killed in an unexpected altercation. Incidentally, I met her because her boyfriend was the brother of my best friend from high school. I met her about 5 months after he passed, and was able to see the good and the bad with how his family treated her. In addition I have history working as a hospital chaplain and have been with people during the grieving process and I hope I can give some insight.
- Take care of yourself and get your own therapy. My wife worried (and still mentions whenever the topic comes up) about their health a great deal as they really never coped properly. It is like the airplane oxygen masks - take care of yourself first or you will be in no real position to help others. I also believe that spiritual guidance is a very important part of processing tragedy, although some will inevitably disagree. Also, most counselors will tell you that the loss of a child is one of the most emotionally significant loss that can happen. I am touched by your care for your daughter's boyfriend, and please let that wholesome desire to give you energy to help him, but don't let that be a distraction for your own healing.
- Let him cope on his own terms. Offer advice and encouragement, but remember that everyone copes differently. Mistakes will be made, but it is a process. Your encouragement of therapy is a very good idea.
- Don't guilt him to stay near you. This is a big one, and it isn't always intentional. "Misery loves company" is very true. People commiserate over tragedy, and that is very acceptable for a time, but there comes a point where there needs to be a break. Right now, things are still fresh, so I personally believe that your mutual company is very acceptable. As time goes on though, if you see that he sticks around a little too much, it is best in the long run to find yourself occupied if he wants to visit. Subtle encouragement for him to branch out to help move through the pain is crucial - if that becomes an issue...
Maybe Just Give Yourself Some Credit?
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I dont have any advice, but I just wanted to say that: your daughter died and you're worried about how her boyfriend is coping? You're a great person. The fact that this is even on your radar at this moment is a masterpiece of understanding and empathy.
H/T: Reddit
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
Disney World GIF
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.