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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.

Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.

Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.

I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.

The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.


The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.

Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.

The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.

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The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.

Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:

1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.

So, why am I sharing this with you?

Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:

"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"

... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.

I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.

Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.

That's what I'm here for.

Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.

Partner Preference

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"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."

"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015

"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades

"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside

"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead

Herding Cats

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"Probably trying to herd the cats."

"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."

"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh

"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28

"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket

Wretched Existence

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"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."

"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."

"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes

One Hour

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"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."

"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."

"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred

A Little "Light" Exercise

"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."

"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."

"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."

"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon

I 7892`1https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4C4Re-yqBw&t=29sThese Gestures Are Offensive In Other Countries | George Takei's Oh Myyy

People explain the friendly gestures in one country that are offensive in another. It's imperative to do a little research about the destinations and culture...

Vicious Predators

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"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."

"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."

"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."

"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."

"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor

A Problematic Princess

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"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."

"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."

"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."

"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90

Shoe-nanigans

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"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."

"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."

"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."

"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23

The Closet

Oh Boy Dog GIF Giphy

"She's currently sleeping under the bed. When I got home from work she didn't greet me at all, so I got nervous and went to find her."

"My husband had accidentally locked her in the closet!"

"Her stupid little face when I got her out was so cute. I love her so much. I'm gonna go wake her up and force her to snuggle with me now."

- spotmouflage

Poop Posts

Encouragement Dog Poop GIF Giphy

"Pooped a sock on the neighbor's lawn, which I, in a bathrobe, had to rush out and clean up."

- dramamunchkin

"Sh*tting in my moms daisies she planted 2 days ago."

"I'm so proud."

- Maxivixx

"Cry outside the toilet door because I'm not letting him watch me poop"

- Cyber_Connor

The Most Important Work

Best Friends Lol GIF by Boomerang Official Giphy

"She is laying next to me in the bed, head on my knees."

"She wakes me up from nightmares and keeps the truck safe all day. When I get lost in memories or severe despair she knows and comes and inserts herself."

"I'm living with PTSD and a whole bunch of self worth issues than make me want to die. So basically the dog is keeping me alive."

- Chris_Tush

Potato Time

Napoleon Dynamite Liger GIF by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment Giphy

"She woke me up at 6am for walkies."

"I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards, so I went out for coffee, and came back to see her and my wife snuggling in bed under the covers."

"I'm just going to let them be potatoes while I go draw in my office."

- Nihilism-1__Me-0

Babysitting

Best Friends Dog GIF by Disney Giphy

"The dog is babysitting my granddaughter."

"Controls where she goes, what she takes, what she does. My granddaughter loves this dog. They're about the same height."

- darinvcbdcgte

Decent Co-Workers

Work From Home Cute Dog GIF Giphy

"I usually spend a bit of the early AM with my laptop upstairs in the couch while I catch up on emails, drink coffee, and warm up (house is a bit cool I'm the morning)."

"My dog loves me working from home in that he's learned this is a great time to plunk down his head on my lap and get scatches."

"I cannot complain."

- phormix

After Daycare

French Bulldog Dog GIF by Wag Hotels Giphy

"Mines currently on my lap licking his butthole."

"He went to daycare today so he's had lots of other dogs' noses up there."

"No way I'm letting him lick my face for the rest of the night though."

- ejfrodo

Helicopter

Golden Retriever Dog GIF Giphy

"Right now he is wiggling in circles because I taught him the word "Helicopter" as a command, and someone on the news just said it."

"Man, do I love him."

- just_call_me_beans

So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?

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