Marriage is a complicated situation, it's been shrouded in fantasy and fairytales since the beginning of time. We've been indoctrinated to believe that it is essential for living a happy life. We're all -straight, gay and all in between- suppose to find that missing half of us to be complete. Marriage, kids, house = HAPPINESS. What a load.
Redditor u/m1ke156 wanted divorcees to discuss hindsight by asking.... Divorced members of Reddit, what is one thing you wish you asked your spouse prior to marriage?
Who do you swing for?
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Are you gay? Would've saved me 7years and a bunch of heart ache. Terriberri877
Not op. We were both "taken by surprised" in some way but yes, given the benefit of hindsight there were signs. She didn't like to be touched in a romantic way and the dead bedroom. This would have been a very good indicator for anyone else but she had other issues from childhood that were also a very good explanation for not wanting that sort of thing.
At the time you are both in a straight relationship so "is it because she's/I'm gay?" is not really a thing either of us thought us.
In the end the "gay feelings" were there but not the only reason for splitting. They are however the only reason for not getting back together. We get along fine now. Kazamz
The truth is lying in wait....
Honestly I don't think it would have mattered what I asked, she still would have lied about it. AngloKiwi
This. So much this. Some people don't understand the idea of relationships working from both sides. It takes honesty on both to work and sometimes you don't realize you're being lied to until it's too late. VirtuousVice
Too Many Kids...
Are you looking for a wife, or a mother? Let me tell you, feeling more like a caretaker than a partner is demoralizing. In a much better place now. TheEggplantRunner
Yes!! I totally get this. I wasn't married to my ex but i felt like his mother 80% of the time. Always picking up after him, feeding him, clothing him. People even made comments about it! Was such an eye opener being with someone who acts like an adult. Unicorns_are_real05
You thought this through?
Why do you really want to get married? Are you sure you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with only me? PhantomAngel042
Who are you?
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Are you a compulsive liar, narcissist and likely to sleep with anyone that shows the slightest bit interest with no care for how that effects your husband and children? Wouldn't have done any good, she'd have just lied anyway. Only_100kcal
Can you stand still?
Would you ever walk on me and our two kids after 13 years together to run off with a guy literally twice your age to that you meet on the internet, with out saying a word to me or anyone else, on our anniversary?
Yeah, explaining to a 7 and 12 year that I don't know where their mother went, or if they will ever see them again, while trying to assure them them it is not their fault was a something i never want to deal with again.
And doing this while packing up the house cause we can no longer afford to there...... evilcj925
Good Enough?
Not really ask my spouse, but ask myself... Am I settling? "this will be fine" is not enough. cysgr8
I think thats why people are less able to be happy. Always looking for better and never being able to enjoy what is around them. Nasirammes
Sex isn't just Sex!
You're aiming to keep enjoying plenty of sex with me for the duration, right?
I don't think it was anything so deliberate on her side - just that something we both used to love mostly stopped mattering to her after the kids came along, whereas for me it never stopped being a cornerstone of what I thought intimacy should be (and such a waste of your life not to make the most of). She claimed she still loved me, but there's only a certain number of times you can hear that in a row as you lie there hurt, frustrated and despairing night after night after night...
Stayed together for the sake of the kids for a few years but then I finally left. Happy ending though - she lives five minutes up the road, we share custody, we're pretty good friends again now, and my lovely new girlfriend is utterly straightforward about - and keen on - having as much sex as she can (with me, that is!). I couldn't believe how simple that approach was when we first started seeing each other, and it's stayed that way ever since. UrsulaSpelunking
Want to discuss anything?
What are your true motivations for marrying me or, do you have any reservations/concerns. Considering she had to put on reddit that apparently she did, then ended up having motivations long term. throwaway_wubbles
A Change is Gonna Come...
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"What do you expect to change once we are married?"
For me, the answer was not much. We already lived together and had a kid together. For her... Lots of things that she apparently thought were obvious but did not communicate. A brief example: a month before we got married I was driving two hours out of town for a company meeting and met with an old college friend (female, no romantic history) for lunch. No objections from the fiancè. A few months after we got married, same situation with the same girl and it was suddenly 'unthinkable' that I would do that. I asked why it was fine last time but not now and my ex wife said "because you're a married man."
I don't think it would have changed anything but it might have saved us both some heartache along the way. BarzTheOrange
Love YOU first!
Honestly, all the information I needed was available to me. I knew she was a narcissist. I knew she was emotionally abusive. I just didn't think I deserved better than that.
Depression sucks. Just because you think "I can live with this" doesn't mean you should. tenehemia
Oh Brother....
"Are you going to be faithful to me? You're not going to sleep with my brother are you?" ... Turns out, she wouldn't be faithful and she would do that. TheRegularPikachu
Your brother is also a piece of crap. Coug-Ra
Shut the Door!
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I can't think of any questions I wish I had asked but there were major red flags I wish I had paid attention to. For instance, normal people don't blatantly violate your boundaries and then try to blame you for it when confronted.
Ex wife, when we were dating, went through some personal items in my bedroom without asking. I confronted her about it and she proceeded to blame me because "the door was open," as if an open door was a license to invade my privacy. You know who reasons like that? Four year olds. I learned shortly after I stupidly married her that I was married to someone with all the maturity and ethical standards of a little badly behaved kid.
I was too naive to notice the giant gleaming red billboards along the way and I didn't love myself at the time. I think part of me didn't believe I could do better. Trust me, It's far better to be single than to be married to a terrible person. dontknowbilliejean
Run and don't look back!
Prior to marriage questions: Are you going to ask me for a divorce if, when I finish college, I make more money than you? If, I do not get pregnant? Post divorce question (six years later): Now that I have a child from another man, will you go to the doctor to have yourself checked and confirmed that it was you all along that could not have children, I mean after you made me cry multiple times because I did not get pregnant at all?
Edit: Thank you for your good wishes. Yes, I am happy now. My child brings me joy. Bless you all.
A Family Affair....
Are you ever going to stand up to your family to defend me?
I am newly divorced. This huge red flag plagued me from the beginning. His entire family was abusive towards me in ways that sometimes are still too painful to even describe. Why I let them, why I stayed for so long are questions I will never have the answers to. After we signed papers in November, it was revealed he just had a baby with a woman who he has been cheating on me with for possibly at least 3 years. So I am reeling from that as well. Although we have an amazing teenage daughter who is my pride and joy, I regret the last 16 years of my life. sugarcookieprincess
Can't even give a face to face?
Seven years.
If you are not with someone that is committed to making the relationship work, they will LOOK for the bad things about you and turn it into a reason to get a divorce. There ARE legitimate reasons for divorce, but too many people think of it as an escape from their resolvable issues.
I overlooked how involved her mother was because they were both so warm and accepting of me. My ex had a temper and would strike me occasionally when things didn't go her way. Never enough to hurt, I'm a big guy. But since touch is my way of feeling loved by my spouse, even small punches like hers were very damaging emotionally. I asked her to not share what had happened with her mom, but she ran to her anyway. Her mother told her that it wasn't a big deal and that I was making something of nothing. Any time she did something wrong, her guilt was hushed by her mom. She left with our daughter and divorced me through a text message, then told me she was going to think about it before she filed. Two months of excruciating uncertainty later, she had her dad meet me in their driveway to tell me she was filing. MeerkatOutlaw
Who are you really?
Two things:
- Do you secretly feel like a man trapped in a woman's body and wish to pursue becoming a man five years into marriage?
- Are you gay?
Both would have been pretty handy to know. I did ask by way of our previous partner's summary before marriage, but the list of women on their side of the equation weren't filled in until they acknowledged being trans and gay (or trans and not gay?). lightknight7777
This ain't the gravy train!
"Do your parents have a retirement plan?" My future plans did not include taking care of his parents due to their lack of future planning. erniezzz
It's Family service....
I would have asked her if she was okay being married to the military. She needed to be okay with all the time away from home. The long hours, the late nights, being posted with other women at work, having friends of all races and gender, etc.
Basically, my wife thought she was okay with being married and getting that sweet tri-care insurance, but she wasn't okay with any other aspect of it. So her cheating on me and divorcing me after we had a baby was actually both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. It hurt like hell for a whole year, and then I met my current girlfriend. We've been together 5 years this February, and I'm going to put a ring on it soon. Judoka229
Be a REAL dad!
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Do you know that childcare works both ways? Like, you're a father, you need to be involved. You can't just come home from work and berate me for not having a meal on the table. lastorderstime
As a father and husband, this kind of crap irritates me. Men aren't supposed to be served in a relationship, it's a mutual thing. One day, I cook, the next day, you cook if you want. Take turns. I don't mind cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, dishes, diaper changing, taking the kids out so mom gets a break or grocery shopping with them so you get a minute alone.
I'm making memories with my kids and teaching them about respect for others in doing so. xavier_grayson
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
homer simpson episode 23 GIF
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
Disney World GIF
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.