Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. Many of those silly, childlike mistakes and misunderstandings are actually the workings of a tiny little mastermind.
A recent Reddit thread culled together the childhood schemers of the internet. They gathered to share their favorite heinous deeds from those blissful days when a cute smile turned a parent's scolding into laughter.
They knew exactly what they were up to, and they knew just what to do when they were on the edge of trouble: controt the face and say the precise things to maintain the facade of lollygagging and obliviousness.
Early Savings Accounts
"The First 2 years of elementary school I had to take the public bus two times a week to get to my school. So my Mum gave me money for the Ticket each morning I needed it. What she didnt know, I never once bought a Ticket and kept all the money."
"Two times I got caught, but pretended I didn't even know how to buy one and they let me go, because I was so young."
"My parents had weird schedules so for school, my mum usually packed my lunch in the evening and my dad would give me lunch money in the morning not knowing that I already had lunch packed."
"I continued that scam for a couple of months until I had enough money to buy a Wii which is when my parents noticed that they've been tricked by a seven year old but of course they didn't think I did it on purpose."
"I threw a water balloon during a birthday party at my friends dad that I didn't like. Made him spill his drink. I was like 5 or 6." -- CuckingMeNancy
"Now I'm picturing that guy quietly fuming, certain that it was intentional but also not ready to argue with the other adults about whether or not a five year old is being a jerk to him." -- SOdhner
Know Where Your Leverage Is
"I used to wait until my mom showed up at the babysitters to pick us up to ask for snacks. She would never give them to me throughout the day but she wouldn't say no when my mom was standing there." -- m0neal449
"Moral of the story. Bring your parents when you're negotiating with your boss for a raise." -- iwantknow8
That Confusing Thrift Store Concept
"I stole a ball from a thrift store. I said I thought it was just someone's lost ball since it was obviously not a brand new item in a store. However I fully understood the concept of a thrift store." -- shicole3
"My stepmom took my sister and I to a thrift store when we were little. I would try on shirts and shoes all day, but I wouldn't touch any pants or shorts. 'What if someone peed in them?' She accepted my stance, and no potential piss-pants were considered that day." -- Grizzly_Berry
The Victim of Another Schemer
"I was on a trampoline, and my older brother kept pushing me whenever I tried to stand up. He repeatedly did this about 7 times, he pushed me all the way to the springs, I tried to stand up again, and he pushed me off the trampoline. Because of the way he pushed me, I was falling head first, so I reached above my head to protect my head from the impact. I broke my fall with my arm, and I broke my arm with my fall."
"Compound fracture, bone pierced the skin (it popped back in immediately after stabbing my skin, so I never got to see the bone)."
"He told our parents that I was about to fall off the trampoline, and he tried to catch me but he accidentally pushed me. And my parents thought, 'he tried his best, but he's just a kid, so at least he tried to catch him.' "
When Parents Discover the Intelligence Beneath the Show
"One time, I became a black market candy shop owner at school, of course my parents thought I didn't know better, but I had a whole business plan. Eventually I made $400 bucks and my parents realised that I was becoming some sort of weird hustler that knew too much financially."
"I lost the touch as I got older though."
A Well Executed Revenge Plot
"I was in pop warner (think kids from 10-13) football and I absolutely hated our assistant coach. He was the quarterback's dad and a complete asshole to me - was the center, i.e. the lineman who hikes the ball to the quarterback. Every time something went wrong it was my fault, always making me run laps, picking on me for having a squeaky voice and being overweight."
"With the benefit of hindsight, I have no idea what was wrong with this guy to be so shi**y to a kid."
"Anyway, we went to the playoffs but lost our last game to a much better team. I had seen people dump gatorade on to the coach on TV and thought - f*** it. Now is my chance."
"He was wearing a white polo with khakis and I dumped a whole jug of red kool-aid on him. I smiled and shouted 'Great season coach!' "
"He was pissed but completely shocked too. My dad ran up quietly but sternly asking 'what are you dooooooing?' and I just said that I saw people do it on TV."
"The coach laughed and shook his head. He patted me on the shoulder and said 'people really only do that when you win, but I understand how you got confused.' "
"The whole team went to dinner after that. Dude had to spend the rest of his evening in sticky pink clothes. It was the first time I ever felt like I got away with anything."
"I don't know if this fits because I don't remember it at all, but when I was around 3 or so my sister (10 years older) kept getting blamed for eating all the ice cream, and would deny it, which made my mom mad."
"Then one day, my mom rounds the corner into the kitchen then quickly pulls back to watch little 'ole me drag a chair from the table over to the freezer, grab a spoon from the drawer, open said freezer and dive into the ice cream, finish and put the ice cream back, close the freezer, lick the spoon and put it back into the drawer, and pull the chair back over to the table."
"It was almost the perfect crime."
"My grandfather was always grumpy and didn't like kids."
"So as he climbed the stairs, I'd pinch him on the butt with a pair of dad's needle-nose pliers."
"He'd yell, 'Drag your @ss on outta here, ya damn lil kid!' But Mom would smile and say, 'He's just being cute.' "
"When I was really little, a year or so into using the bathroom mostly on my own, I decided I wanted to use the potty again this time. But only the top part was there. Just the seat, no bowl to be found."
"Now I don't recall exactly what my motivation was, but I definitely remember I knew exactly what was going to happen as I decided the lack of bowl wouldn't be stopping this train and how hard it was to not to laugh and keep acting confused as my mom was patiently explaining how it worked and did I forget how to use the toilet while there was a puddle on the floor like I had made some honest mistake."
"This reminds me of something i actually went through. There was a 6 year old who used to step on me and my sisters feet (we normally didn't have socks on) TWIST so that it hurt more, then when we got mad at him he would say 'iM lItTle' with a smile." -- anime_dummy
"The day a kid realises being little is an excuse is the day it stops being a valid excuse" -- other_usernames_gone
Zero Hesitation, Zero Shame
"Eating the giant chocolate egg my brother got from school, the second he went to get my mom to show it" -- Depressiekinder
"This is a gem. A memory no doubt that will bring a cheeky grin to you face for as long as you live and will stick in you brother's craw for just as long." -- almostwithyou
"I would have peed in your bed that night as payback" -- FruitPunchCult
No News is Good News
"When I was maybe like 3-4 years old, I remember going to the fridge for a snack at maybe 3 in the morning. I accidentally knocked a WHOLE carton of eggs onto the floor. I think I kind-of just.. pushed the broken eggs and stuff under the fridge with paper towel."
"All of it. It was hidden pretty well if I remember correctly. I don't remember any aftermath from the incident.. weird."
Cram It, Lady
"Mooning some lady on the highway when I was like 7."
"I'd just watched some funny movie where there was a mooning joke. So there I am, in the backseat of my mom's car. We're going to meet up with the rest of the family for dinner at Sizzlers and there's remnants of the rush hour traffic, lo and behold my idiot 7 year old self thinks it would be funny to moon someone in slow traffic."
"My victim followed my mom off the highway, to the Sizzler and approached her when she got out of the car 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON JUST DID?!?!' to which my mom told the lady to lighten up and told her to get lost."
"My granddad lived with us when I was growing up and he was really a very mean spirited man and talked awful to most everyone including my sister and me."
"Once his brother who lived a few states away parked his RV in our yard for a few months and one time I overheard my granddad say he wished he'd move that ugly thing out of our yard. Well when his brother came to visit I repeated this in front of both my granddad and my great-uncle and it embarrassed my granddad so bad."
"I left the room acting like I was just being a kid who accidentally let something slip but I knew what I was doing the whole time."
"When my older brother and I were young teens, he kept getting yelled at for watching porn on the family PC. Our Catholic mom would check the browser history, find it, and yell at him and ground him. He insisted it wasn't him. He would then get punished for lying, because it wasn't Mom or Dad and it couldn't be the young, innocent, straight A catholic high school attending sister."
"A few years ago I fessed up that I, at the time the 14yo catholic school girl, would google porn and click links to fill up the browser history and then go on my merry way, every time my brother pissed me off. Didn't even watch it. Just googled some boobs and then moved on because I knew she checked our browser history every night because... that's just what she did."
"We did not get along as teens. He pissed me off a lot, so he got yelled at by our mom a lot for porn use."