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Autopsy Doctors Reveal The Strangest Causes Of Death They've Ever Seen

Autopsy Doctors Reveal The Strangest Causes Of Death They've Ever Seen

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*I don't want to see dead people. Ever! Imagine if it was your career? And not only seeing them but having to dive into their bodies and figure out everything them went awry? Those are moments for vodka for sure. Autopsies and cadaver evaluation is mostly routine. But sometimes... not. *

Redditor _\d4nk3std4nk3r _**wondered **People who do autopsies, what's the strangest cause of death you've found out? Just when you think you've heard and seen it all... you learn you should be grateful for your own day job.

SHOTS FIRED!!

At Med school we have to spend a season in a pathology department and we were responsible of autopsies. One day I received a body of a woman who died by multiple shots (and that is the worst nightmare of an autopsy, because it's needed to measure and report every damn hole). Anyway, a classmate received a boy about 12 or 13 years old, still in his school uniform. We were all shocked to see the boy's body: no blood, no weird lesions, nothing. Anyway, we all started to work on our own cases and let our classmate to resolve the boy's cause of death. About 8 hours later, an exhausted me stopped by my partner place to see how was he going, and he was dumbfounded. He finished the autopsy and did not have a clue of what killed an otherwise healthy kid. It was a complete mystery. So I decided to read the police report. In summary the boy was involved in a school fight, all the kids screaming, other kid hit him on the face, he had a rush of blood to the head, yelled the other kid, suddenly stopped and fell dead. It was a chilling story. Anyway, it was late so I went home and left my classmate to solve the mystery. Next morning in the changing room I asked my classmate if they solved the case. They did, with the help of an experienced pathologist. Finally they found a congenital defect in his cervical bones that fused together some of them. Anyway, when the other boy hit him, the fused bones moved in an irregular way cutting his medulla and effectively separating his brain from his body. It terrified me: the boy who hit him actually killed him with the punch, but it wasn't his fault. The boy could have died in any other way that moved his head forcefully, even riding a car. Bad luck, I guess.

NO GUNS WITH DRINKS...

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A man is found dead in hotel room. Coroner says it's a heart attack. Then said guy was beat up. Then realizes a fired bullet entered guy's scrotum & went thru heart. Drunk guys in next room over were playing with a gun. They eventually were caught.

WELL... NOT THE WORST WAY TO GO...

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My mom used to run as an EMT and was called to an unattended death at a camp. The guy had fallen from the lofted bed and died from that. The odd thing was that he didn't have pants on and there were erotic mags surrounding him. Dude died while masturbating. I'm hoping no one told his wife that.

HOW DARING... SAD END...

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A friend of mine processes death claims at a large insurance company. He has had two separate cases from people who worked for the same company, where they died from erotic asphyxiation.

The first one hung himself with the garage door opener. Daughter found him when she got home from school. Classic disturbing case.

Second one, just a couple weeks ago- guy hangs himself in his doorway off of a pull up bar. He had his Webcam on, and there was a blowup doll on his bed. Doll had a bag over its head. Gloves on its hands.

But my friend said that his boss and their higher ups all know about it, and it was hard for them to keep their composure while discussing the payout and logistics of the claim. I couldn't even imagine.

CHECK FOR A PULSE FIRST!

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I did an autopsy on a 25 year old male involved in a car accident. He was fine, it was the autopsy that killed him.

THAT BURNS...

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I did a forensic pathology rotation in medical school in Florida. Was working there one day when they brought an old guy in who had been found in his apartment in the middle of the summer with no air conditioning after about a week (So he had decomposed pretty quickly). When bodies decompose the bacteria inside you eats the tissue and releases gas, so bodies tend to be bloated. So when they unzipped the body bag I wasn't surprised to see that. But I was surprised to see that his scrotum was about the size of a football (No exaggeration). This apparently occurred via the same bacteria process. Anyways, I was being keen, and I think they liked me, so they took a large bore needle and stuck it into the scrotum to let the gas escape. Then, they took a lighter and lit the end of the needle, so as the gas was escaping from the scrotum, it burned like a blowtorch. Lasted for about 20 seconds. They justified the process by saying it _"decreases the smell in the lab." _Talk about seeing things that very few other humans have. The scrotum blow-torch.

WHEN 2 BECOME 1...

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Maybe not so relevant, but when they made a full body x-ray of my grandma's identical twin sister, not only did it turn out all her organs were mirrored (her heart was on the right side etc) but she also had 4 kidneys... woman was 60+ at the time and they never knew before.

SKIP LUNCH....

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My friend is a pathologist. She said she threw up once after seeing a semi-liquid brain. Dude turned over his car into a lake in remote nowhere, it got pulled out, they opened his skull and a putty/liquid like mixture. I don't think anyone can blame her for vomiting.

YOU CAN'T CONTAIN IT ALL SOMETIMES.

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A friend of mine picks up the bodies. She told me this story about how there was this older 400 lbs woman who passed away in her house. It was winter time and she didn't have many friends or family so her body remained undiscovered for 2 weeks. She passed away on a couch which was directly over a heater. When they went to move her, she split right in half long ways....

CAN'T YOU JUST SERVE AN EVICTION?

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Current pathology fellow, board certified (not in forensics though). Participated in ~80 autopsies.

Weirdest/scariest case: housefire, one body recovered after 1+ hour of burning. Body completely char-broiled, rigid, limbs curled up against the torso. We xrayed the chest, abdomen, and head to see if there is anything of interest before dissection. Metal fragments in the chest. Hmm. Do the autopsy. The internal organs are largely intact despite the significant heat damage to the skin and soft tissue (this is not unexpected, I learn). There is a large (>1L) hematoma in the chest. There is about a 2cm jagged opening in the posterior wall of the right ventricle and in the anterior left lateral wall of the right ventricle. Metal fragments embedded in the left lung. Tracing backwards from the heart, a path is found through the posterior thorax with an possible entrance wound in the upper back. Yikes, he was shot? Detectives arrive to morgue. Say they've got the homeowner/roommate in custody. They're interrogating him right now. He owns a gun. He's been having frequent noisy arguments with the dead guy/tenant that have been observed by neighbors and reported to the police. He was away from home when the fire was happening, claims no knowledge of any of this, has no idea what happened to either his house or the dead guy. Detectives high-five each other when we tell them he's been shot and it's definitely homicide. We find out later after they fully interrogate the homeowner, he confesses to shooting the roommate in the back while he is sleeping and then torching his own house to try to hide the evidence (!) The roommate was actually his tenant and he wouldn't move out, so he killed him (!!!) Scary stuff.

SO MANY PEOPLE NEED OUR HELP...

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I shadowed a medical examiner several times but the weirdest thing I ever saw still kind of haunts me. There was a woman that died suddenly and had all these bruises on her body. There were detectives and cops all around us because they thought it was a case of domestic violence. However, she was schizophrenic and was not on any meds. During one of her episodes, she would beat herself violently and self-inflict all of these bruises and wounds on her. But the way she died was crazy.

She beat herself so much that these bruises developed huge blood clots and broke off into the blood stream. They eventually ended up in her lungs (pulmonary embolism). We opened up her lungs and they were just full of blood clots. Her legs were full of them too.

She basically beat herself so much that she suffocated. It was so odd.

LONG TIME NO SEE...

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My grandmother had a friend who was attending medical school at the University of Pennsylvania. She and her fellow classmates were scheduled for cadaver class where donated bodies were used. My grandmother's friend and her partner were assigned a body at the end of the rather large class room. When removing the sheet from their assigned cadaver she discovered that this was her aunt who had died two weeks previous. Yikes.

PLUG IT UP!

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A very large butt plug still inside of the man. He died while having sex.

YOU HAVE TO BE MADE OF STEEL...

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I'm probably way too late to the game but... I interned at our county coroner's office for a summer for college credit. Saw several dozen autopsies. The first and most haunting one was of a child who had set some things on fire in his grandmother's trailer and then hidden under the bed to keep from getting in trouble. The pathologist had to verify whether he had died of the resulting fire or if he had died of smoke inhalation. He was curled into basically the fetal position kind of hugging his knees. The waistband of his jeans and the tops of his socks had semi-protected his legs so you could see some severely burned skin there but it was the only humanesqe looking part of him. As soon as the first incision was made revealing the body cavety the coroner stated 'carbon monoxide' and exited the room while the pathologist continued. Apparently when you inhale large amounts of carbon monoxide your blood and organs turn this crazy cherry pink color. The body's position with the knees to chest is another indication. He was unconscious and died before any flames ever came in contact with his body. The smell was insane. It looked so incredibly fake that if the actual body were to be used as a hollywood prop no one would have found it to be believable. Most interesting and horrifying summer of my life.

WHY IS LIFE HARD?

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One of my bestfriends is an autopsy tech at a hospital that allows her to actually cut into the person. One day she was called in for an autopsy on an older woman. She said that when she walked into the room, the other techs asked her if the woman looked strange to her. My friend responded that she looked a bit too thin but nothing else seemed off. The other techs told her to roll the older woman over to see something. When she did, the woman's back was completely gone as well as a bunch of organs. Turns out the old lady had died in a chair and slumped over when she passed. She had a couple dogs and after a few days the dogs got a bit hungry and ate out her back and some organs.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

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Had a gig at a hospital one where the guards had to help move bodies from the hospital rooms to the hospital morgue.

One night me and a nurse are lifting the body of an obese woman who had already been placed in a bag to a gurney for transport. As we lifted the body up, it moaned. We dropped her back on the bed, got the bag unzipped, and checked for a pulse- nothing. The lifting action had expelled air from her lungs, through her vocal cords.

The nurse told me, " Sometimes that happens."

OH GOOD LORD!

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Eh. To be honest when you're in that field not much shocks you. I guess what gave me a chuckle was one guy who had a quarter stuck in his trachea. It wasn't what killed him, it was just... hangin' out. When I left that company I was tempted to take it with me.

Honestly, what's most shocking to me is sometimes how much fat covers some people's hearts or how huge some peoples can grow to be. Also, how small some people's brains are. Oh, and the sheer spikiness of some of the kidney stones I've seen. We found one that was the exact size and shape of those stupid spikey balls that fall off of some trees.

SO NOT HOT!!

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I do autopsies.

Strangest - Several giant egg shaped fecaliths with multiple large clots inside the wall of the bowel completely obstructing the already hugely dilated lumen.

Worst smell - 10 day post mortem large bowel that was inflated like a balloon and filled with rather unpleasant orange goop.

Worst thing - 3 year old Munchausen by proxy victim.

Most interesting - I cut up and examine brains every Thursday. Brains are awesome.

Favorite related story - On a date with a girl and said "I like to listen to Slayer and cut up dead people."

"That's hot."

People Who Wouldn't Quit Their Job If They Won The Lottery Explain What They Do

Reddit user BITE_AU_CHOCOLAT asked: 'People who wouldn't quit their job even if you won the lottery, what's your job?'

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

So what are these compelling careers?

Keep reading... Show less
Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Aerial view of a church in a small town
Sander Weeteling/Unsplash

There's something comforting about living in a small town.

It's characterized by close communities where neighbors know each other by name and there is an abundance of kindness extended to others.

Gift-giving is a commonality, as is the sharing of recipes, and people going out of their way to help each other in a time of need.

The pace of living in small towns is also a striking contradiction to city life, where crowds of people go about their busy lives without much interaction.

Curious to hear more examples of what small town living is like, Redditor official_biz asked:

"What's the most 'small town' thing you've witnessed?"

These are positive examples of a tight-knit community.

Live Updates

"We have a village Facebook page. Every time the ice cream man drives into the village, the entire page goes ballistic. People send live updates of where the van is and which direction he's heading. The ice cream man has started accepting DMs so he knows which streets to go down."

– PyrrhuraMolinae

Brush With The Law

"I’m from a town of less than 2,000 people. When I worked at the grocery store there people would often drop off stuff for my family members because they didn’t want to drive all the way down to our house. I no longer live there but recently got a call from my daughter. She had been stopped for speeding and handed over her license and insurance which happens to be in my mother’s name. The officer goes 'Hey, you’re Donnie’s granddaughter! I ain’t gonna write you a ticket but I’m telling Donnie when I see him tomorrow cause we’re going fishing.' She replied 'I think I’d rather have the ticket.'”

- Reddit

Roadside Catchup

"The traffic on the 'main street' of my town is so sparse, two drivers going opposite directions can stop and talk to each other for a few minutes without causing any problem."

– anon

When things go wrong, people take notice without incident.

Bank Robbery

"A guy robbed a bank and everyone knew immediately who he was and the teller got mad at him."

– AlexRyang

"A local bank was robbed and one of the tellers told the police to bring her a yearbook from about ten years earlier and she would be able to point the robber out. He had been in the grade before hers in school."

– Strict_Condition_632

Wise Woman

"When I worked at the bank in town there was an older lady that had worked there through 5 mergers."

"She knew everyone, there was a young guy yelling at me one day. She walked out of the back and he immediately quieted. She went off about telling his grandmother that he was treating young women like sh*t. She also said that if he didn’t straighten up not one girl in town would ever marry him she would make sure of it."

– ilurvekittens

Intoxicated Local

"Town drunk was paralyzed and used a motorized wheelchair to get around. I was driving home one Saturday night and said town drunk was passed out in his wheelchair doing circles almost directly in the town square. Had to call his brother who came and picked him up on a rollback truck. Strapped him down and drove off into the cold dark night."

– DoodooExplosion

Grazing Over To The Bar

"In my former small town, there was an older guy who'd lost his license after getting a few DUIs. Every day, he would ride his John Deere lawnmower to the corner bar around 3PM and sit around watching TV and sipping his beer well into the night. Then he'd head the couple miles back home on his mower. He even had a little canvass shell he put on when it rained or got too cold."

– brown_pleated_slacks

It's not surprising how small town people behave differently than those who are from metropolitan areas.

Welcoming Committee

"I lived in a small town. When I moved there, people would ask, 'Whose house did you buy?'"

–MoonieNine

"Move to a small town. 30 years later, you are still the new guy."

– impiousdrifter

"I lived in a small town for most of my childhood but I wasn't "from there" because my grandparents weren't from there."

– raisinghellwithtrees

"Worked with an older guy, relative of the owner of the business, he was 73. I asked him if he was a local, he said 'no his parents moved here when he was two.'"

– realneil

A Busy Day

"Lived in a town of about 5,000: A woman walked into the DMV on a Friday, saw that there were 3 people ahead of her and left to come back another time when they weren't so busy."

– KenmoreToast

Who Let The Dogs Out?

"My dogs got out while i was working. the police called my niece's elementary school (she was a 5th grader) to get her to round them up and take them back home."

– mediocrelpn

"There was a small kennel behind the police station for runaways. They called us saying they had our dog, and moments later our dog showed up home. He broke out of jail."

– Worried_Place_917

While life in a small town sounds appealing, I don't know if I can ever live in one.

I'm so used to life in big cities, I think it would be quite unnerving to adjust in a neighborhood where everyone literally knows your business.

I would be paranoid.

And I'm sure the same could be said of life in the big city.

Would you consider making the switch to life in a different setting?

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.