As a teacher, you have to maintain some level of composure in front of your students in order to gain their respect. But students say the darnedest things taking everything in the teacher's power not to break. Here are some outrageously funny things teachers shouldn't have laughed at.
1/27. Last year, my classroom carpet had the alphabet border around the edges. One of my students, Demetrius, liked to sit on the letter D because it was the first letter of his name. One day, Zaria sits on the letter D. Demetrius gets in her face and yells, "Zaria! Get off my D!" I lost it.
2/27. My friend was subbing in a high school class. The teacher had left some work and the kids all had these sheets they had to fill out. One kid (let's call him Jimmy), who was overweight, was bringing his filled out sheet to the teacher's desk when another female student (think Mean Girls) asked out loud: "Jimmy... why are you so FAT!?" Before my friend could say something, Jimmy replied with:
"You want to know why I'm so fat? Because every time I see your mother, she gives me a cookie and tells me she wishes I were her kid instead of you."
My friend had to leave the room so as not to laugh. Everybody lost it and apparently the girl even apologized because Jimmy's comeback was too good.
3/27. When reading Hamlet with the class, after Ophelia's line about Hamlet, "To speak of horrorshe comes before me," a kid said, "Hamlet, get it together, man." I cracked up. The other kids didn't get it luckily.
4/27. I confiscated a balloon from a kid one day, because he was making that really loud squeaky noise with it. Two minutes later I looked over and he had another balloon. A blue one this time. Took that one too. Next time I turned my head he pulled out another one. Red. Took it.
This went on for another two minutes or so, which counted another three balloons. I finally asked him how much longer this was going to go on, to which he just kinda shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, how many more balloons do you have?" I asked him.
"I dunno, couple?" he said, as he opened his backpack.
His backpack was literally full of balloons. There were at least a couple hundred in there. No books, no pencils, no spare room for anything else, save for the five or six balloons that I had confiscated a few minutes prior. There were four or five pockets on the bag that I asked him to empty, which were all filled with balloons as well.
All in all, the kid was very dedicated to the gag, so I told him that if he promised to do the same thing to another particular teacher, he could get them back at the end of the class.
More hilarious stories teachers weren't supposed to laugh at on next page!
5/27. When I was in grade 1, I was some seriously hot stuff. I knew my times tables up to 12, was picked first for dodgeball and everyone wanted to trade their lunch with me. I had it going on.
Now, one day, we're all assigned to write a small story to share with everyone at the end of the day. Most kids haul out a sheet of looseleaf and a pencil, one kid's in the back eating glue, but me? I've decided to write a monster of an epic tale, the likes of which Tolkien himself would be proud. I haul out not one, but FOUR sheets of looseleaf, but then I had an even better idea : if I fold the sheets in half twice, I can snip the top edge and have an EIGHT PAGE BOOK. That thang is gonna have a picture on the cover with MY name on it as the author. Aw yeah, I was gonna be making it RAIN smiley stickers.
So I labour away creating a fantastic novella about three little ducks. I've got a story, a villain, and a picture on every page... And did the fact that I couldn't find my yellow crayon stop me? Hell no - I updated my working title to "Three naked ducks" and coloured them peach.
I turn in my book and go crack a juice box with my buddy simon.
Finally, at the end of the day my teacher, Mrs. Davis, calls me to the front of the room to privately discuss my masterpiece - "yes!" I think, "this is it kid, you're moving up to the big leagues" and practically skip to the front of the room.
Mrs. Davis looks me right in the eye, face flushed and strained, with tears in her eyes and says,
" 'Duck' is spelt with a 'u', not an 'i' "
6/27. Teacher hears a girl's phone vibrating in her purse and says "I hope that is a phone." Teacher walks another two steps and realizes what she just said. Class erupts in laughter.
7/27. One of my preschoolers said, "I love you Miss Amiso, but I'm too old for you."
Apparently a five year old is too old for me...
8/27. One time a kid twisted another kids nipple as he raised his hand to answer a question.
9/27. This year, we were talking about our families. Dads were a difficult subject of discussion last year because I taught in a neighborhood in which most students didn't have dads, or if they did, they were in jail. Students would shout out things like, "My dad sells drugs!" or "My dad yells at my mom!" in this oddly excited voice because they didn't have filters yet & were just happy to have a chance to share. This year, most of my students have more traditional families. The other day, one of them shouted out, "My dad snores when he sleeps!" & another student responded with, "My dad sleeps naked!" Hilarious.
Now, I can't look at that dad without blushing.
More stories of teachers trying to keep their composure in front of their students on the next page!
10/27. My friends wife is a high school music teacher, and she told me a story.
She went into class and was getting set up, when she sees this kid take his trombone and place it between his legs and slid the slide out going "Look, I got a tromboner."
She said it was very difficult to discipline him while not laughing her butt off.
11/27. I teach undergrad courses. I caught a student that had plagiarized a few paragraphs in one of her papers. I asked her to stay after lecture and sat her down, asking if she had plagiarized her paper. Her eyes got huge, she welled up and then she said, "I did! I'm so sorry! I was so tired and had so much work and my roommate told me to do it and said you would never find out." Then with the most serious expression she whispered, "And, I know now she's the devil!"
I did not laugh even though I really wanted to.
12/27. My friend is standing at the front of the room as class is about to begin. The student comes barging in the room and basically yells at my friend, "MR G.!! I DON'T NEED YOUR QUESTIONS, I JUST NEED ANSWERS.....CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM!?" My friend was somewhat stunned, then as he was holding back laughter, he said "Sure..."
13/27. My friend is walking down the hallway headed to his classroom as the bell has just run. The hallway is basically empty, except for one student. He's standing at his locker with his backpack right in front of it. My friend walks over and says to the student "Hey, you need to get to class" to which the kid responds "I'm headed there in a second Mr. G." My friend sees him messing with his backpack and being secretive. Fearing he may have something (drugs, weapon, etc), he asks him what he's doing.
The kid pulls his hands out of his locker and is holding... two small turtles.
14/27. I taught daycare for four years. My favorite was when a four-year-old would curse. It usually went like this:
"Sh*t" "Jack said, 'sh*t.'" "Ms. Fickvitch, they said 'sh*t.'" "Who said 'sh*t'?" "My dad says you can't say 'sh*t'." "My dad says 'sh*t' all the time."
15/27. I was a student when this happened, but a friend accidentally said "Octopuses have 8 testicles" instead of "8 tentacles" when reading in a science class. The teacher was having a VERY hard time holding back laughter.
More outrageous student comments that had teachers trying not to laugh on the next page!
16/27. My wife is an elementary art teacher, which basically means constant stories.
My favorite is from a time when kindergarteners were playing with Play-Doh. Class was ending, and one little fella was just standing there, looking down. Wife checks to make sure he's okay, he turns around, showing the little Play-Doh snake he's holding to his crotch and says, "Look! It's a wiener!"
17/27. Our aunt teaches kindergarten. Often, kids are exposed to swearing and profanity at a young age. One time, she asked her students to sit "Criss-cross Applesauce" and one kid wasn't paying attention. His friend next to him whispered, "Hey, criss-cross applesauce motherf*cker!"
Needless to say, my aunt couldn't contain her laughter and had to leave the room for a minute.
18/27. There were three kids that were friends, but ones who, in a high school fashion, enjoyed ribbing on one of the friends as often as possible.
The bell rings, the Ribbed-on-One (R.o.O.) gets to the table first, and has his hood up on his hoodie. Not sure why - I have never understood it, I feel like it restricts my vision. Regardless, there he is, sitting at a table, with his hood up.
The two friends come in through the door and see him. I think they had this planned for a while, because what's next was a shared look and two students jumping into action.
They walk across the room to the table. One pokes R.o.O from behind in the side, and then begins to tickle him.R.o.O leans forward in response, and tries to swat the hands away.
The other friend comes from the side, closest to me, and takes the strings of his hood and yanks them - completely closing the hood. While R.o.O. is still being tickled by the first guy, the second one ties the string to a leg of the table that they sat at.
So, R.o.O is flailing his arms around wildly, while trapped in the hood of his hoodie and tied face-down to the table.
It was over in less than 10 seconds. It was amazing. Probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
19/27. I'm in the front of the classroom talking about stoichiometry and balancing reactions. Out of the corner of my eye I see two girls talking to each other and not paying attention to me. The rest of the class was though, so I didn't want to pause the class just to get their attention. I sort of ignore them for the duration of the lecture and keep observing them out of the corner of my eye, waiting for them to look over at me.
One girl shows the other girl her palms like they're about to give each other a double high five while the other was visibly nodding her head in agreement. The second girl then begins to cup her own boobs and then the first girl says something like: "WOW, you're right!" and she moves her hands to the other girl's chest.
(story continued on the next page...)
More hilarious stories on the next page!
At this point I finally catch their eyes and I mouth the words: "WHAT THE F*CK" to them. They immediately sit up straight and they pay attention for the rest of the lesson.
During individual study time I go up to the two of them, and was about to tell them how inappropriate their actions were, especially when surrounded by teenage boys who'd get a raging boner from well...anything. As I'm walking up to them, they take a look at me, look down at my hands, and then begin to freak out and saying: "oh my god" repeatedly. With no advance warning, they then grab my hands and do they whole hand size comparison thing. I'm a lanky six and a half foot tall man with pretty large features. I can palm a basketball.
They then begin explaining how they were talking about how big their hands (or boyfriend's hands) had to be to fully cover their boobs. Not wanting to hear more, I start shaking my head incredulously (what the f*ck?) and begin walking away. Their last remark to me was: "You can get any girl you want with those hands, Mr. Bigtcm!"
Took a ton of willpower not to turn around and smirk.
20/27. I was teaching English to a class of primary school kids. I was teaching them plurals by showing them a slideshow of cartoon monsters ('It has three eyes', 'It has four legs' etc) and getting them to tell me how many limbs and stuff each monster had. One little kid, five years old, got really into it and on one monster shoots his hand in the air and comes out with 'It has one... ANUS!'
I was speechless for a second so he jumped up on his chair, backwards, bends over and starts pointing to his arse shouting 'NO TEACHER! ANUS! IT'S ANUS!'
21/27. Not my story, but my little brother's. When he was in 1st grade, he told his teacher a joke:
Bro: Why did Captain Hook die?
Teacher: I don't know, why?
Bro: Because he wiped with the wrong hand!
Apparently she had to step out of the room for several minutes so she wouldn't be seen laughing at his joke.
22/27. I was a teacher's aide in a third grade classroom. It was the last day of school before Spring break and all the kids were so excited, it's a big party day. We had pizza, watched the muppets movie, and all the kids brought gifts or dessert foods for everyone else. One kid wanted to make personalized bookmarks for the rest of the class. He decided to look around his dad's work place to find something he could use.
In the trashcan there were a bunch of long strips of cardboard. The only thing was the cardboard came from cigarette cartons and his dad worked at a liquor store. So on one side there was a kid's name and cute pictures, on the other was blatant advertising for Marlboro, Pall Mall, Camel, you name it. It was so hard to not laugh when he came up to me and excitedly show them to me. This was my first time working in a classroom and I had no idea what to do, the teacher ended up having me take them to the supply room and laminate them with construction paper covering the other side. We told the kid it would help them last longer.
His bookmarks were everyones favorite gift.
Mine still has the Al Capone logo on the back though.
More hilarious stories on the next page!
23/27. (student waiting late after rehearsal)
Kid calls home: "Hey can you tell mom to pick me up? Oh, she's in the shower... what about dad? He's in the shower too... ?"
Turns to teacher: "It's going to be awhile Mr. M"
24/27. A girl, trying to prove she was worthy of getting into an Advanced Placement Lit class asked me of an essay: "Is it good?! Did I show you my AP-ness?!" (Say it out loud)
25/27. Grade 11, reading Romeo & Juliet aloud.
There's a line at the beginning where a character says "Bring me my long sword, ho!"
My friend got the inflection on the "ho!" completely wrong. He said it with such enthusiasm too, it was hilarious. Our teacher smirked.
26/27. I had a student who had extreme test anxiety. Every time we went to take a test he would throw up. After vomiting he would be fine, but he had to spew everywhere first for stress reduction or something.
I would seat him next to the bathroom and provide a bucket. Now this worked on normal days but during our state testing he would not be able to go to the restroom unless I first called an administrator to escort him.
On the big testing day we practiced breathing techniques, I had a handy vomit bucket for him and we were ready to go. After ten minutes he sure enough looked like he was going to be sick. Except he forgot about the bucket.
He vomits and then tried to hold it in his mouth. He shoved his puke back in his mouth, swallowed and smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up.
Horrified, yet simultaneously holding back laughter I gave him wipes and a bunch of mints.
The kid did great on the test in the end.
27/27. From when I was teaching preschool:
"You have blue eyes like my mommy, but her tatas are HUGE!"
Uh, thanks, kid.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.