JOIN
OUR EMAIL LIST!
Image by yabadene belkacem from Pixabay

I've often thought that I may one day fake my death, just to see who would show up at my funeral, and just to see what they would say.

We all know that the true tea is spilled after one has stopped breathing. So many of us play a good game of nice when we're all in corporeal form, but once that heart ceases to beat, honey those knives are coming out.

I have been to funerals that could rival episodes of 'Dynasty.' The things we say at a funeral can only possibly be topped by truths we tell at a wedding. And it's all a mess.

Redditor u/harumin24 wanted to hear about the tea that is spilled when saying farewell to the dead by asking:

What's the worst thing you've heard someone say about the deceased at their funeral?

I remember the first funeral I went to where people didn't hold back. And I was shook. I mean I get it, you hated that person, by why bother sharing the craziness now? You should've just punched them in the face when you had a chance.

Lies!

i see you no GIF by Shalita Grant Giphy

"Everyone stood up and spoke about how much they missed him and what a great man, friend, and leader he had been. His daughter stood up to speak last and said: "I don't know who you people are talking about because my father was nothing like that to me my whole life."

- Caliblair

Why bother?

"There was no funeral for him. His sisters wanted one in the "it's the right thing to do" sort of way, but the rest of the family (his mother included) were in camp "why bother?"

"A lot was said, as this was the man who had abused my grandparents for drug money for years, stole from family members (including the birthday money of small children - I taught the younger cousins how to hide their holiday cash from him), faked cancer on multiple occasions to gain sympathy (and more money), and broke down my grandma's front door when she didn't want to deal with him while my grandpa was dying in their house."

"There were two that stand out:"

"Oh, he actually did die of cancer? About time."

"And the real ice cold one, from his mother:"

"It's for the best."

- dal_segno

Good Riddance

"When my grandmothers brother-in-law passed away my grandmother asked me to be a pall bearer since they were having a hard time finding anyone that would agree to do it. During the funeral nobody other than family showed up and when the minister asked if anyone wanted to say anything about the deceased there were several people that shouted out things like 'good riddance.' He had been a man that was widely hated by the community as well as his family. He spent his entire life swindling anyone, including members of his own family, out of everything that he could."

- stagehog81

John Doe

"I have an 1910 local newspaper obituary for my grandfathers brother (my great uncle), who died when my grandfather was 12. It reads.... "JOHN DOE died walking on Goose Gap Road with friends Saturday night when he fell on a knife. He was well-known as a wicked and godless boy, who brought shame to his family, but his parents are good, faithful church-going people and our sympathies are with them."

- Reddit

Oh My!

Fanning Heat Wave GIF by Harlem Globetrotters Giphy

"My very Christian grandmother who is in the beginning stages of dementia talked about how great my grandfather was in bed at his funeral. It was actually kind of sweet, but the timing wasn't great and I don't know how much her children wanted to hear about it right then."

- Reddit

Oh my... now that is a ton of mess. It makes you think, what are my so called "loved ones" thinking about me right now? I always have some shade to throw, but I like to see live reactions of the landings.

Not You

Oh God Reaction GIF Giphy

"After Grandma's service we were discussing where to go for lunch when Gramps tells cousin (10) You stay here with the stiff, we'll pick you up later."

- sisnomor

What the hell Brian?!?

"My friend's father passed away a few years ago and a buddy of ours shows up out of the blue. We haven't seen this guy in a long time. We would send him texts, call him, send Facebook messages but he never responds. So anyway he shows up at the funeral and our friend says, "What the hell Brian?!? My father has to die for you to hang out!?!?"

- bjh182

911 Dispatchers Share The Most Ridiculous Calls They've Ever Received | George Takei’s Oh Myyy

The Mistress

"My biological father's long-time mistress spent her time during the eulogy talking about:

  • All the profound emotions she felt when they were making love, and how she knew from that he was the one (Her children, from a man she divorced to be with my father, were sitting right in front of her.)
  • While on his deathbed, he woke up one of his last times and used his time to scold her "bitterly" for reading a magazine while he lay dying. She considered it a lighthearted and endearing moment.
  • While recounting his legacy she got almost every single detail of his professional life wrong, and pointed me out as hopefully walking in my fathers steps (knowing I hated him)."

"The only other person to talk was the priest. My father was narcissistic, a psychopath, and a bad person in ways that aren't mentioned in pleasant conversation. All he cared about in life was power and glory at any and everyone else's expense, and he was buried at the funniest and most undignified funeral I have ever seen. It was almost therapeutic, 10/10."

- xenomorphs_at_disney

"A great friend of mine died a couple years ago. He was known for his amazing sense of humor and the sound of his laugh. When his wife asked me to speak at his funeral, I started thinking about how--if he were alive and we were going to someone else's funeral, he'd figure out how to have fun."

"So I played a game and opened it up to his friends, challenging them to give me a word I had to work into the eulogy. In the end I came up with the word myself; as soon as I thought of it, I knew he would have used it. The word was "ejaculation." I won the challenge."

- Rilkespawn

God Who?

jesus GIF Giphy

"During his sermon at the funeral, the preacher said that he "thought it odd that the deceased insisted on having a church funeral, given that records and personal testimony indicated that he had never stepped foot in church during his lifetime."

- Back2Bach

Burn

"Complaining about the length of the service he said, "f**k me, 2 hrs to bury a set of teeth because that's all that was left after the fire. I was embarrassed but so did I. He was an ex SAS trooper so tended towards plain speaking. Ironically the deceased was not a friend of mine (he didn't know) so I'd been very careful not to say anything negative."

- crosstherubicon

"Bill was a very flawed man..."

"At my Father's wake 20 years ago the man married to my Godmother gave a speech. He started with "Bill was a very flawed man..." and went on to badmouth my Dad for 5 minutes. This from the smarmy alcoholic a**hat that hit on me at a bar 2 years later and was universally regarded as a fool."

"We are ALL flawed, but my Dad was one of the greatest men and best Fathers I have ever met (aside from my husband). The funeral was standing room only and full of people whose lives were touched by my Dad's kindness and ability to make people laugh. I wanted to punch my Godmother's husband in his face that day."

- horribliadorable

Bad Timeline

Sorry Not Sorry School GIF Giphy

"At my Grandma's funeral, I admitted to a cousin that I often forgot she was still alive. I had started referring to her in the past tense years before."

- weeeeelaaaaaah

He was Ours!

"Well, being dead doesn't make him any less of an a**hole." It was said by me, about a good friend, and it was met with a lot of laughter because we all knew it was true. He was our a**hole if you know what I mean."

- Booji-Boy

"I feel thats what my friends are going to say about me , and I'm proud to be their a**hole. After all , one of them said , you are friends with us because we are the only ones to put up with your bullcrap and dark humour :P"

- Vitaly17

Hey Michael

"Ooh, the boss gave a very Michael Scott-like eulogy. First, he asked for moment of silence, then talked through it. But the cringiest moment was saying how much the deceased cared for his ex-wife and daughter. "I see how much child support comes out of every one of his paychecks, and he never complained about that."

- Scrappy_Larue

You do this for a living?

priest GIF Giphy

"Went to a funeral where the catholic priest got the deceased name wrong, the dead guy's SIL's name wrong, and then told everyone refreshments were available at the back of the church, they weren't."

- Catalystic_mind

Heaven's Mess

"We can always hope our understanding of heaven is wrong", priest, speaking about a deceased friend who was an atheist but his parents insisted on a church funeral. He said it repeatedly and in different ways, implying that it was a shame he was going to burn in hell."

- DrunkenGolfer

Gimme my Money!!

"He still owed me $14."

- SteppeTalus

"I said that about my buddy that passed away. He owed me like $5 and I was joking to my friend that it's just like him to die on me so he didn't have to pay it back. Fast forward a couple days and I find random piles of change all adding to about $5. It's funny because that's exactly how he woulda paid me back."

- decapitatedwalrus

It's Obvious!

"Not me, but my father went to the funeral of a man he knew while growing up. The preacher said he could tell by looking down on the deceased in the casket that he had went to hell. Then proceeded to preach a sermon about how it was necessary to live a morally upright life so that the people present didn't go to hell like the deceased man had."

- twoliterlopez

Greedy

Halloween GIF by Pop-Tarts Giphy

"The officiant at my boyfriend's grandmother's funeral just a few months ago said that the deceased was good at getting free desserts from wait staff, which the family interpreted as him saying she was greedy and conniving."

- lovelylayout

Funerals really are a hotbed of drama and hilarity. That is when everyone has nothing craps left to give. And it shows us, all people are not good and need to go. Just truth!

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

Image by donterase from Pixabay

Cities. Those things we live in.

Keep reading... Show less
Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Sex is fun. Sex is healthy. Sex should be enjoyed and always consensual. But often, sex can be dangerous, especially when you're trying out new things, like a new location.

Who hasn't thought about upping the adrenaline ante when it comes to sexytime? We've all been there. But some ideas really should just stay ideas.

Why break a hip or an arm just to make things a little more saucy? Just try a different room in the house, or the backyard, but bring bug spray.

And some areas in public are safety hazards for a reason.

Redditor u/playfulinvestment01 wanted to know about all the places we need to avoid when it's sexytime, by asking:

What is the worst place you had sex?
Keep reading... Show less
Image by ambermb from Pixabay

Being a parent is one of the greatest challenges you'll face.

Keep reading... Show less
zhenzhong/Unsplash

Animated movies meant for children have been known to sneak in a few dirty jokes here and there. After all, the parents have to sit through the movies with the kids too.

These "Easter eggs" can be found in virtually every movie meant for kids. It may go over our heads when we watch at age 10, but years later when we re-watch to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, we realize just how raunchy the creators were.

It's not just old movies from the 90s or early 2000s, some movies as recent as Frozen 2 have some moments of adult centered levity.

Keep reading... Show less