These Redditors have no shortage of ideas regarding their hypothetical funerals.
Luckily, questions of legality or logistical possibility need not apply to this thread.
The result is a collage of ideas that take different approaches to a couple key factors of the parting ceremony: what happens to the actual body, and how funeral attendees ought to feel.
Theyโre often meant to be grossed ought, entertained, shocked, or some bizarre combination of the three
aroadcaptain asked, "Social/religious norms aside, how would you like your death to be mourned/celebrated?"
A Nice Mix
"New Orleans has a tradition of marching slowly to the graveyard, mourning. Then a ceremony and a dancing jazz party on the way back to the church, where food and drinks are. The party continues from there."
"I've always thought this is good psychology - mourn, but celebrate also."
-- Naweezy
Quick and Cheap
"After my death, just throw me in the trash." -- leiner240
"If it's summer time, I just hope you die close to garbage day...you'll want your family to remember you fondly after all." -- Bradiator34
"trashes to trashes..." -- michar
Taking Your Principles With You
"I want to become a tree. I don't want my family going broke after I die. If my 1st choice isn't an option, I want them to do something sustainable and affordable." -- jennybean2442
"I want to become Coral Reef!!" -- SamwiseEGangeefff
"Do you want haunted forests? Because this is how you get haunted forests." -- Throwaway726368
Epic
"I want to be dropped like 500 or so feet from the sky and wherever I land is just a surprise." -- pukichoo
"I think there's a funeral parlor that cremates your body and put the ashes in a big-a** firework and blows you up over the sky..." -- superciuppa
At Least Have the Decency to Cure It
"I want my body to be cured, stuffed with candy, and hung from the ceiling so the funeral guests can beat the candy from my dead body like a piรฑata." -- fxstfullofashes
"Hmmm a human jerky piรฑata. Nice." -- DerpyArtist
A Minor, Important Stipulation
"I want my remains to be scattered over Disneyland but I DO NOT want to be cremated." -- fu**ingham_green
"My spouse, a wildlife photographer, said that instead of spreading my ashes over my favorite part of Yellowstone that he'd throw me out limb by limb so he could get some amazing photographs." -- chickaboomba
Viking/Irish/Italian Burial Rites
"I'd love to be placed in a wooden ship soaked in gasoline and pushed into the sea while an archer shoots a fiery arrow from the bay."
"The people will then mourn me watching my ship on fire and crumbling into the sea while a bagpiper play a sad Irish music."
"Then, after a while people will start questioning the irish sad song since i'm italian but i will be gone forever, not to be bothered by them."
-- Xobark
Living Reputations Will Follow You
"When I die, I would like one of the following said about me at the service, and written on my tombstone."
"If I outlived the average life expectancy age: 'Late for death, as he was for most things in life.' "
"If I died before the average life expectancy age: 'Finally, something he wasn't late for.' "
-- AMN-
Educational
"I want my body donated to the Body Farm with one special stipulation."
"I want to be put in a car trunk and spring-loaded so that when some hapless grad student comes to check on my decomposition, my corpse pops out at them like a fermenting eyeless jack-in-the-box."
A Corpse That Keeps on Givingย
"I want them to take my bones and make me into one of those skeletons they always have in high school science classes."
"This is not in jest, I think it would be truly cool."
"I got the idea from a guy who lost his arm, and later had it taken to a taxidermist. It now sits on the mantle above his fireplace, a skeleton arm and hand."
-- FedMyNed
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.
In some deaths there is time and notice. The person can get their affairs in order, choreograph who gets what, hide away the embarrassing things and divvy out the proudest trinkets.
Some deaths, though, come suddenly. There is no time to make calculations about the objects with that kind of passing.
For the living, the results of uncovered items can be a concoction of surprise, disgust, and sudden understanding.
One Quora user asked, "While sorting through a deceased person's possessions, what is the most disturbing thing you found?"
Identifying Objects
"A morbid collection of about 20 teeth, clutches of different colored hair in little plastic bags, a bunch of what looked like fingernail clippings in plastic baggies, and a four-inch dried and twisted up stalk of something with a bow-clip attached in the middle."
"Upon closer inspection, you could see these very tiny markings or labels on almost every item."
"The teeth; they were [her son's] baby teeth and his brother Ron's baby teeth (Ron passed away a year before Thelma) and apparently the tooth fairy had helped [her] collect each one."
"The bags of hair were all labeled differently; 'My sister Jane funeral 1947,' 'Ron 1st haircut 1950,' 'Rich 1st haircut 1953,' 'Mom funeral 1962,' 'Aunt Mabel funeral 1964,' 'sister Dorothy Jane funeral 1965,' etc."
-- Becci Winkler
A Pristine Artifact of an Ugly Age
"Folded neatly inside, on top of a shelf, was the uniform of what we later found out was a Major in the SS. The tunic, cover, slacks, medals and insignia looked like they had been kept clean and maintained. It looked like it had been freshly dry-cleaned and was ready to wear."
"Under the shelf were several drawers, and in each one were his Ausweis, SS identity cards, daggers, commissions, promotion to the SS Medical Corps, and letters from superior officers; one was even signed by whom we later learned was Heinrich Himmler."
"There were also a significant quantity of Gold Krugerrands which he had obviously put aside for an emergency."
"The man who would have been my father-in-law was an SS Doctor who, I now believe, had worked under Mengele at one of the camps."
-- Patrick Parrish
It All Makes Sense
"My uncle Don was an odd guy. It wasn't until my teen years that I really understood that."
"When I was younger, he was friendly to me, so that was enough. He was a loner, particular, moody, intense, especially after he divorced and separated from his wife. No kids."
"When my parents went to clean out his home, among the heaps and mounds of a rotten life were dozens and dozens of high heeled shoes, both well- and never-worn, women's clothing, size XL, and a sturdy noose."
"It was a revelation that brought clarity to a lot of things: the solitude, the neighborhood, the sadness. I recall my parents both deeply rattled from the experience. Like someone might feel after watching a dog being hit by a car, traumatized, yet removed and either unable or unwilling to describe it in greater detail."
"Something that had occurred to me at various points in my adult understanding of people, was that Don had been in the seminary at the height of its pedophilia reign, when it ran wild and unchecked."
"Sure enough, Don was a student at St. Edward's Seminary. I found Father William Queenan's name in a database of abusive clergy with multiple accusers. The more I searched, the more certain and sad I became that this was the culminating experience that robbed Don of his ability for successful self determination."
-- Pam Patterson
"A very extended and detailed critique of my every word and movement. Even printed emails to a family friend who had been a confidant (but was close to my part of the family as well) that painted me as a terrible person."
"I began to question myself and wonder at who I really was. But some of the words she put in my mouth were bold faced lies and there were things she said I did that I knew I had not. In fact, some of the things she attributed to me had been things she had said or done."
-- Anonymous
Would Rather Not Have Knownย
"After mom broke the news to me that my dad passed away I went into his bedroom, remember it's the old days and quite often couples would have separate rooms and just meet for the conjugal part.
"I opened up my dad's large walk-in closet and went in observing all the different items in there and reminiscing and smelling."
"I saw this long white robe with this very distinct red white and black cross pattern and a goofy looking kind of hood hat I couldn't quite figure out what it was but it stuck with me and embedded so deeply that when I did see an actual KKK outfit I knew immediately what that was."
-- Fancee P Pearse
Evidence of Crisis
"My mom was an immaculate typist. She died in her 40's while much of her family was young (including me). Long after her death I was rooting through our basement for a prize; I heard that her journal was there."
"Here were hundreds of pages of journal, single spaced, typed and there was perhaps one error every 3 pages."
"It is filled with XXXXXX's, crossouts, notes in the margin. There are other errors that weren't caught. It was from a very dark part of the history of my parents' lives."
"A dark part that happened prior to my birth. My mom at that time, was struggling with her mental health. She knew it too. Had even asked to be committed, but we were far away from family and there were too many needs from her young kids and so she suffered."
-- Aaron Lassig
Wildly Organized Trash
"Boxes and boxes of used dead batteries, blown fuses, burned out light bulbs, broken household items, broken furniture, broken transistor radios, flashlights, Etc. All of these items were labeled with the date they stopped working. Why did my Mom and Dad keep garbage like that? I'm still confused."
-- Lisa Anne McBride
Couldn't Not Have This Story in the List
"Grandmother dies and Bonnie (ex-wife) goes to Winnipeg to help her mother sort through Grandmother's stuff and do what is needed."
"She gives me three pairs of knee-high socks which are still in their packets."
"I looked at the 3 packs of socks and decided to just open one of them for now and see how they felt. I opened the plastic covers and then felt the hard cardboard inner liners to help keep them stiff."
"I pulled out the inner liners BUT wait there is more; what is this? Wow, hundreds of dollars in Canadian bills."
"I fall back sitting on the bed and go WTF! My heart is beating strong as money will help a lot. I quickly count, then recount - nice there is $15,000."
"I was glad to give her the money to give back to the family... I cried a bit inside but was glad I did the right thing."
-- Bill Taylor
Hidden Talents
"A simple file hidden within my dad's personal filesโpast tax info, some stuff he was gathering from a genealogy site, and one other thing."
"A manuscript."
"So I began. I read, and I read. Then I read some more. I spent about 5 hours in our basement, lights off, in front of that glowing white screen that made my eyes ache. I read my dad's book."
"And it was flippin' amazing."
-- Rob Schark
Back Before the Trauma Set In
"Among them, a photo album. In the album, their were extremely disturbing and graphic pictures from the war. I'm not kiddingโshocking images, heads blown open, bodies charred with napalm. People posing next to scenes of utter devastation and death."
-- John Kestell
When their True Character Comes Out
"What was the most disturbing to me was that my sister had removed much of my mom's belongings - almost as if I'd come and haul it all off."
"All her Waterford crystal collection and Belleek, and china sets, silverware were gone, so were the photos and jewelry, and a lot of other things, things that weren't nailed down. I'm sure my sister cleared out the place before I came."
-- Kathleen Grace
"Dark Family Secret"
"On the last day before closing, I emptied out her night table and found a yellowed envelope from a doctor dated sometime in the 1940s. Inside was a brief handwritten letter about my dad, confirming that he had epilepsy and was not qualified for driving or the draft."
"When my dad was asked about his exemption from the service, he always said it was because of flat feet."
"I mentioned the letter to my brother and he told me that one day, when he was a little boy, he saw our father rigid and unresponsive in his easy chair. He thought our dad was dead."
"My father's condition was a dark family secret."
-- Barrie Levine
A Record of Abuse
"My Mum died very suddenly at the age of 53. She'd had a massive brain haemorrhage caused by a berry aneurysm that just suddenly burst."
"I was given her possessions in a bag at the hospital. There was just her clothes and handbag and her mobile phone."
"The phone had got about 10 missed calls and voice messages. I listened to the messages. They were all from my Dad. Whilst she was dying my Dad had left several messages."
- "Ring me when you're on your way home."
- "Where are you, you should be home by now."
- "Would you mind calling me back and telling me where the f*ck you are?"
- "Where the f*ck are you, you f*cking bitch, answer your f*cking phone."
- "Get f*cking home right f*cking now.
- I've organised this holiday, and if you're f*cking lateโฆyou f*cking know what will happen when you get home."
"He obviously didn't know that I'd listened to these messages, and told everyone that their last conversation was, 'I love you, I'll see you soon.' "
-- Lucy Reid
Walls of Privacy Stripped Away
"Imagine a tornado hit your house. Inside. Add years worth of receipts and plastic bags, clothes, records, furniture, and stuff that belonged in the garbage, was strewn everywhere by this tornado. I had to look to find the bed. It was indistinguishable from the rest of the mess."
"Under the bed were tied-off, white plastic deli bags of cigarette butts. He'd empty the ashtrays but couldn't throw the bags of butts out."
"What was found that was even more of a surprise than the disastrous mess? Bank statements."
"He had millions in his account."
"He chose to live like that. Although choice may be the wrong word. I think it entirely possible he stayed there because if he moved, someone had to see the place. He probably couldn't bear the idea of anyone knowing how he lived."
-- Elizabeth Grey
Not Sure How Much it Helps the Case
"Several years ago as a police officer I was sent to deal with a report of the sudden death of a man in his thirties who was found deceased in the caravan he was living in."
"I was sorting through his personal possessions to try and find details of his next of kin when I came across a box full of Polaroid photographs."
"Also inside the box was a fairly interesting collection of rubber sex toys and vibrators, nipple clamps and cock rings."
But those Polaroid's were something else!
"Clearly the guy was well into the swinging/ bondage scene."
"There were photos of him in women's underwear, group sex, BDSM and a few other fairly strange and kinky group sex activities. I'm fairly broad minded and I've seen a lot of things before but some of this stuff was quite shocking."
-- Steve O'Boyle
A Sudden, Morbid Explanation
"Was cleaning out the large freezer and found the body of my aunt's favorite cat, Teddy. Now we know why she wouldn't let us get anything out of that freezer when we visited."
"She didn't want us to know she'd saved his body after he died and stored it there. He'd died several years before, and his uncleaned litter box was still in the bedroom she had kept shut since then."
"She slept on the sofa from then-on, only walked into her bedroom to grab something from time to time, and wouldn't let us go in there."
-- Arran Walker
Huge Fans
"A membership card for the Roy Orbison fan club in my stepfather's name, and a box of Roy Orbison records and memorabilia. I think if you had given me a thousand guesses, I never would have imagined him as a Roy Orbison fan."
"A photo of my grandmother and my grandfather as a young couple posing in front of Huey Long's grave in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. This must have been a long and expensive trip for a young couple during the Depression; I had no idea that they had such a devotion to Huey Long."
-- Mark Thomase
Ya Certainly Hope So...
"Well, no one really expects to find pills of crystal meth in their Opa's belongings. Obviously at some point he had gotten it from a soldier or some other military complex, because there's no other logical explanation."
-- Melody Bertrile
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.
Oprah style....
GiphyAt the end throw a bouquet of flowers to see who is next. ScotianStupid
Think bigger, throw the corpse. pototoes_
Tardy.
Since it's been an ongoing joke for my entire life, I actually want to be brought in late to my own funeral. crazyjake91
I am probably gonna write down something similar. "Please make sure to wheel me in about 15min late, because that's how I lived life as well." AErt2rule
'Pop goes the weasel'
Start with a closed casket. But at some point the organ begins to slowly play the music for 'Pop goes the weasel'. The music keeps getting slowly faster and faster as more and more people stare at the casket in horrific expectation. varthalon
My mom wants this but she wants a spring loaded casket full of glitter. She also wants strippers and some other random crap. And apparently I'm the one that's supposed to make this happen when she dies. mother_of_dragons011
Tased!ย
Everyone gets a taser.
Last one standing in my Battle royale gets all my stuff. Klaus_Klavier
Second place gets the ashes. m_sporkboy
It depends.....
GiphyIt depends on the person and family. My grandfather had a great sense of humor and loved to tell jokes. At his funeral, we celebrated his life of over 104 years. Everyone who got up to speak told a funny story or fun memory of him and a lot of laughter was had. Granadafan
Birthdays are for the dying. Funerals are for the living.
I was at a funeral of one of the aunties of my ex gf, she was from Suriname. During the whole funeral everybody was dancing and singing. At the end they told me that it was about celebrating life instead of feeling sorrow for death. lil_beanie420
Birthdays are for the dying. Funerals are for the living. WeedMan420BonerGod
Now for the details:
I would make mine a social event. Talk about me or don't talk about me. The fact that you came to see me off is good enough. My legacy has already been shared and my work here on this planet has been completed.
Now for the details:
Full service ice cream bar
My favorite EDM playing
Nachos and taco bar. Stamafia
Roasted.ย
My funeral is going to also be a roast. And I want there to be some kind of accident that occurs with the corpse. PhreedomPhighter
I hope it's not your typical weenie roast. Yes, I called your weenie "typical". NicNoletree
SPLAT!!!!
Fire me out of my new corpse cannon. mykylodge
Didn't George Carlin want to be fired out of a cannon against the side of a building? SPLAT. I think it's great. It would be hard to organize though. I'm sure some safety whiner would step in as they were setting up the cannon. jerkfacebeaversucks
Doris spent her career shattering boundaries, breaking rules (in the cutest way possible) and tackling important issues. One thing she could never quite bring herself to face, though, was death.
It seems Doris Day just straight up "didn't like death." It's not a subject most people particularly enjoy, but for Doris it was one to be actively avoided.
Trying to talk to her about it was pretty likely to garner this reaction:
Her friend and long-time manager Bob Bashara explained to People that he tried repeatedly to talk to Doris about how things should be handled after she passed. Death, however, wasn't something Doris was willing to discuss.
Not just her own - but any death. The passionate animal activist was well known for her love of her pets, but she couldn't be present with them when any needed to be humanely euthanized.
It was her dogs, though, that ended up getting Bashara anywhere with Doris writing a will. He was eventually able to convince her to draft something up to make sure the dogs would be cared for. What she came up with is something many people are finding incredible.
Bob explained:
"I'd say we need to provide for her dogs [after she died], and she'd say, 'I don't want to think about it' and she said, 'Well, you just take care of them' - She had several when her will was written, and she wanted to be sure they were taken care of. She didn't like to talk about the dogs dying."
Her will is clear - she wanted no funeral, no memorial service, no grave marker. Essentially, Doris Day refused to acknowledge her death or to let anyone else acknowledge it.
She would rather we all just carry on like it never happened, folks.
Her estate is to be donated to charity. Bob is to take care of the animals. Simple.
It's unusual, but it's very Doris Day.
As news of her no-funeral request hit social media, people's reactions were mixed:
@TMZ @TooFab I know it'll be hard to honor those wishes.๐ข I just loved her movies and singing!!๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐พโ Daphne (@Daphne)1557844982.0
@NeilMcMahon Itโs in her quotes; she felt grief was v private and thought funerals were barbaric.. ๐โ ๐ฆ (@๐ฆ)1557833385.0
Odd topic. So Doris Day died. I loved her movies and Iโm sad. I wanted to grow up and be like her when I was a kid.โฆ https://t.co/LZVLoCGMW2โ Laurann Dohner (@Laurann Dohner)1557771959.0
@ceoaetnews That is so sad ๐ข๐ขโ Maggie Copeland ๐ (@Maggie Copeland ๐)1557864622.0
@mcharlesworth7 Doris Day all day tribute June 7 on TCM (why so late ?)was announced yesterday meantime, I have reโฆ https://t.co/sUx9vTo2cWโ sylvia tomarchio (@sylvia tomarchio)1557835595.0
As we learnt the news of Doris Day's death yesterday, we also learnt that she didn't want a funeral, a memorial orโฆ https://t.co/Z6gSqN5b8wโ Marie Hough (@Marie Hough)1557832251.0
@GeneA22860 @people No itโs not a waste of money to have funerals and headstones. My dad, daughter and grandparentsโฆ https://t.co/h04Kn4SH2Rโ Tracy Mirelez (@Tracy Mirelez)1557810337.0
Doris Day Wonโt Have a Funeral, Memorial or Marker | PEOPLE https://t.co/gzw7Wh0HlTโ Good for her standing by her dโฆ https://t.co/v9NicwHu7fโ Wake Up America (@Wake Up America)1557854602.0
@people Good for her Family & Friends respected her wishes that doesnt always happen RIP fair lady ๐ท๐บ โ๏ธโ The Spice Of Life (@The Spice Of Life)1557840452.0
#DorisDay. Good on Doris Day for eschewing all the nonsense of a funeral. They are useless ceremonies!โ Mark Owen (@Mark Owen)1557814636.0
Doris Day says no funeral, no memorial, no marker. Kind of cool, I guess, but kind of a middle finger to her fans, isnโt it?โ Jeremy Tuman (@Jeremy Tuman)1557775340.0
People who wish to honor Doris Day's memory are being encouraged to donate to or volunteer with an animal charity - like the Doris Day Animal Foundation.
RIP Doris. You will be missed.