Bad dates are a universal experience for most people. I would know--I once went to my date's improv show. That was the date. Never date comedians, y'all.
But then again, I was one of the lucky ones. Because no matter how cringey that improv show was, it wasn't even close to some of these dates from hell. Readysetexplode asked:
What's your worst horror story from a date?
Ah, to be young again. Nothing tops a really bad high school date.
This is some Die Hard sh*t.
“It was a warm summer night, we were 15, and we were in love.
No wait, scratch that, we were 15 and wanted to grind. That's the one.
I was over at my friends place chilling out, He was playing Diablo 2 and I was on the other computer chatting on msn when, lo and behold, she logged on. After some small talk I mentioned I was in town at Joe's (pseudonym) place, and she said I should come over to her house. We had talked beforehand about sex and fooling around, made out a bit, and we both wanted to screw, but parents etc kept getting in the way. I told Joe that I was going to go and try to get laid, and he was understandably supportive. And with that, I was off into the night.
It was midnight or shortly after, cloudy but hot out, and the orange glow from the city lit up the night remarkably well. As I walked and pondered the possible events to come, I was accompanied by the distant yet booming sound of thunder. I really should have noticed the smell of rain in the air... I made quick work of the several blocks between us and came to her house, going to her bedroom window as was previously directed.
Knock Knock. She came to the window with a finger to her lips, wearing a black bra and pink underwear, and pointed down. My eyes followed her gesture to the still form of her young brother lying on her bedroom floor.
She preempted my curiosity with, "He gets afraid of thunderstorms, so he is going to sleep in here tonight", to which I asked with more of a look of disappointment and confusion than words, "But I wanted to plow you, all romantic like!"
Her smile told me I was still in business. I crawled into her window, took off my shoes and left them on her bedroom floor, and we stepped out of her room and made our way to her basement. The lights were out, as we did not want to wake her religious parents, but she knew her way around, and led me past a table to her couch.
After a few minutes of pathetic teenager make out and pawing, things got serious. After the foreplay, we moved onto the sex.
Being the responsible young adult that I was, I had brought 2 condoms, and being the dumb young adults that we were, she advised I wear them both for extra protection, and I did. Cue worst sex ever. but I'm FAIRLY sure it did happen.
In the throes of passion, we were totally unaware that the distant rumbling of thunder had become the storm of the year directly above our town, and the rain and thunder eventually tore our attention away.
Wait a minute... That doesn't sound like rain... That sounds like... FOOTSTEPS!!
To this day, I have yet to see anyone do anything faster than that Christian girl get dressed. She was dressed and tugging at my arm before I had my pants fully done up! So i grabbed my shirt and my socks, and she dragged my up the stairs and across the common room. Well, mostly across. About halfway down the telltale flicker of flashlights descends the stairs, turns out the power had been knocked out by the storm. Not having enough time to get to her room without being seen, she shoved me into the bathroom beside us, and went to address her parents as I climbed into the shower stall and cowered.
Outside I heard them conversing, her parents having no suspicions were quite calm, just asking how her and her brother were doing. Fine. Ok, well then we are going to go back to bed, try and get some sleep. PHEW! I'm in the clear.
Her dad utters a phrase I won't soon forget, "I am just gonna use the bathroom before we go." And steps into my hiding place. Placing the flashlight on the bathroom counter, beam up, I see the silhouette of a large man walk over to within 3 feet of me, and take a piss. I'm fairly sure my heart stopped beating just to make sure he couldn't detect me at all. He finishes, wastes his 1 flush (cmon people, when the power is out, follow the mantra, 'if it's brown, flush it down, if it's yellow, let it mellow') and departs. Parents leave, she comes and gets me, we both sh*t bricks, and then we continue into her room so I can GTFO ASAP.
I get fully dressed, and am sitting on the edge of her bed putting on my last sock when both of our eyes shoot to the bottom of her bedroom door. Flashlights.
I quickly discern that I don't have the time to get out the window undetected, but spot that her bed has a fairly decent rise to it, and luckily for me, was uncluttered underneath. I drop to the floor and ninja vanish mere moments before her parents enter her room. Again, inconsequential chit chat and I feel like I am in the clear. I sigh a breath of relief and let my head rest on her carpet, looking out into the room.
Directly into the eyes of her 5 year old brother lying on the floor, now wide awake, and staring into my soul. I'm done. I'm busted. I'm dead. "Christian father kills horny teenager" is going to be the headline in the newspaper the next day, guaranteed. A million options flash through my mind until I decide on a brilliantly simple choice. Bringing one finger up to my lips, I make the sign for silence and secrecy.
Thank FSM for the playful naivety of children, because he simply smiled and returned the gesture.
Her parents departed, and shortly after, so did I, to enjoy my walk home in the pouring hot summer rain, with ample time to ponder how close I came to a serious sh*t-beating.
Tl;dr Went for a midnight screw and almost got eviscerated by crazy religious parents, ninja'd my way out.”
Yikes.Jay Z Reaction GIF by Complex Giphy
“Nightmare date occurring RIGHT NOW.
I rode 250 miles to see this redditor I'd been corresponding with for a couple months. She's cute and we get along smashingly, but she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to be in an awkward position so I refrained from visiting. She almost breaks up with him, but she doesn't. She assured me there'd be no problems(?), but sure enough, I pull into her seedy apartment complex and I see 2 people arguing. My spidey sense tingled so I doubled back, parked, and called her. They are now arguing and I'm sitting at a sh*tty convenience store...fml"
Parents Explain Why They Regret The Name They Gave Their Child | George Takei’s Oh MyyyDenmark has very strict laws to protect children from bizarre names. Parents must choose from a list of 7,000 pre-approved names. And if they choose a name o...
“I was on a first date with a girl and I also worked with. We'd been flirting for weeks and had wonderful chemistry. Our date was great and had a life of its own. She drove. At the end of the 6-hour long date, we were sitting in her parked car in front of my house, continuing the captivating conversation. We had a work meeting the next morning, so when it came time for me to go, I started to exit the car and said ‘See you tomorrow’. She sheepishly said ‘I can't wait that long’. Without thinking, I replied, ‘Well, you're gonna have to’ and slammed the car door.
I didn't realize what she meant, or how what I said came across, for some time, like the next day.”
Thanks a lot, dad.
“She comes to pick me up ( I couldn't drive yet ), she's waiting with the car running in the driveway and calls me because she's somewhat scared of my dad. I come out the front door, my dad follows me wondering where I'm going. He see's the girl and decides he's going to ‘embarrass’ me. He proceeds to tackle me onto the lawn and pretend like he's kicking the sh*t out of me. She drives off in panic. Thanks dad.”
If you thought your dating experiences were bad, you’re not ready for these next few.
Fragile egos don’t make for good dates.Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory Tantrum GIF Giphy
“So we're still in high school, and we'd been hanging out forever, really liked each other. He's a pretty decent nerdy guy, we play Starcraft together all the time, have a couple of classes together. He takes me to a Magic tournament.
Cool! I register and I start playing. I advance, and he throws a hissy fit after I beat him... and refuses to drive me home. The guy behind the counter guilts him into taking me home, and we're about half-way through the awkward silence home when he gets pulled over by the cops for speeding. Instead of cooperating, he throws a f*cking fit and starts yelling. Officer asks him to step out of the car, and he eventually does. I'm in tears, so the nice officer calls my parents to come and get me from the side of the road, because he's taking DateGuy to the station for belligerence and, as he said, ‘Totally ruining your night’. I had to answer a ton of questions with the guy sitting in the back of the cop car, glaring daggers at me.
Worst date I've ever had, and I had to continue taking classes with him until the end of the year. We never spoke again.
“I had a dud first date - we had nothing to talk about, and none of the social skills or inclination to make small tall.
We made it half way through the second drink before both abandoning the idea.
I walk her back to her car - she collapses on the way.
I call an ambulance, and end up in the emergency waiting room wondering exactly what my obligations are to a girl I don't know.
I stick it out for 4 hours until she's discharged.
I ask her to call me when she gets home, to make sure she gets there ok - she doesn't call.”
This is just plain cringe.
“Was set up on a blind date by a co-worker. Things went reasonably well- ok conversation, he seemed to be genuinely nice. My co-worker and her boyfriend double dated with us for moral support. We went back to the co-worker's house after dinner to watch a movie together. That's when things got weird.
Co-worker and boyfriend left the room to give us some "alone time". Immediately, my date tried to kiss me. It was one of those approaches with his tongue hanging out. I nicely rejected the kiss, saying it was too soon for that type of affection for me. So he shifted his attention to my feet. I was wearing open toed shoes and he grabbed a foot in his hand and asked if he could rub my feet. I declined and he began to beg. Told me that he loved feet and would love to suck on my toes. I declined again, started to get a bit scared. He made a last ditch effort by asking if he could just sniff them once. I gathered my things and left ASAP.
He followed me to my car and tried to beg me in a baby-talk voice to come back, me and my "widdle piggies" (toes). I kept expecting a camera crew to pop out from behind a tree proclaiming that I had indeed been "punk'd". I was as nice as possible about everything, citing that I just needed some time to get comfortable with someone before becoming affectionate. I pulled out of the driveway in such a hurry that I squealed my tires a bit.
I had no intention of seeing him again since he had violated my personal space so much. I (probably wrongly) passive aggressively ignored his phone calls and myspace messages. He couldn't take a hint though, and called 20 times in one day. I finally manned up and told him that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. He immediately got nasty, called me a tease, and told me never to contact him again. Weirdest date ever."
Considering the fact that these posts were written in 2010, it’s safe to say that people aren’t going on dates from MySpace anymore. Although Tinder isn’t much worse…
What an a**hole.Ben Stiller Basketball GIF Giphy
“He called 20 minutes before he was supposed to pick me up. Told me he'd be a couple hours late because he wanted to play basketball.... the time he was supposed to get me rolled around... no show.... twenty minutes later a car pulls up and his mom gets out....(keep in mind we're freshmen in college)
He sent his parents to come get me. 20 minute drive to his house in the car. Alone with his parents. He proceeded to talk about the girl he was in love with for the rest of the date and ended it with an awkward hug stating that it wouldn't work because we lived too far away.”
So much for dancing.
“Went dancing with a girl from work; first date with anyone, 25 years old - zero social skills, naturally. Wisely, I let her do all the talking, and we have a decent enough time. She doesn't even seem to notice my awkwardness, and I start to loosen up and even show a bit of confidence. "Hey, this is sort of fun!", I say to myself.
I explain that I can't dance, but she goads me into giving it a try - just one slow song. She'll walk me through it, she says, no big deal. No one's watching. My blood pressure shoots through the roof, but I'm still on a high, and hardly noticing my hands trembling and my pulse approaching a dangerous rate. We go over to the floor and she puts my hand on her waist and takes my other hand in hers.
Instantly, my breath leaves me and the room fills with pea soup fog. The arteries in my forearms and throat contract painfully and a crushing sensation overtakes me; fade to black. My memory cuts out at that point, but I'm told that I managed to crawl to the corner of the room after hitting the floor.
When I came to, I was completely numb and paralyzed from head to toe, gasping for breath, but getting almost none at all. The crushing feeling intensified and I lost consciousness several more times in the next hour or so as I lay in the corner. Eventually I regained enough feeling in my legs to pull myself upright, stagger to a stool, and order an orange juice. My scalp and tongue were still numb, but I managed to drink it down and gather my thoughts enough to remember where I was, what day it was, and how I had gotten there. In another hour I was aware enough to risk driving home, which I did as slowly and deliberately as I could with my still-dull reflexes and persisting numbness. I made it back to my room and slept until past noon the next day, still a bit numb and groggy even then.
My date, I found out later, had been profoundly embarrassed by my actions, and left immediately after I fell. She forgave me and never mentioned it to anyone, as far as I know.
Tl;dr: first date; tried dancing with a girl; had some sort of stroke (I think*); blacked out; girl leaves, but agrees not to tell anyone about it."
People think this sh*t is cute, but it’s just creepy.
“He wanted to watch a movie at his house. Turns out, he wanted to watch G.I. Jane. Turns out, it's his favorite movie. Turns out, he gets so pumped when watching it he wears his army fatigues and spontaneously does pushups every 5 minutes.
Then we go for a walk and he insists on holding my hand and practically hanging on it for the entire walk.
Finally I get to my house and send him home, relieved to finally be alone. 5 minutes later, I hear something hit my window. Then again. He's outside, throwing rocks at my window. He tells me he loves me, and gazes up at me with a sh*t-eating grin. He had to see me again! I tell him, ‘Go home!’
I think about how I'm going to break up with this extraordinarily needy dude. It digs at me all night.
In the morning when I leave for work I find flowers under my windshield wiper, and a poem. First dates can be gruesome.”
Bad dates can lead to bad consequences.
Not a good look when you’re in twenties.Alejandro Jodorowsky Party GIF by Endless Poetry Giphy
“Last year, I started screwing around with a coworker of mine. BAD IDEA. We decided to go to a party as our first date-like thing. The party was at her house (she had like 6 roomates in this giant house). Now, I'm not really a big drinker, but these people (all of whom are well into their 20's) were just getting schwasted off of Barton's Vodka. I've never seen a more childish abuse of alcohol.
Yada yada yada, everybody at this party (25 people or so?) started drinking at about 10, and were all passed out in piles of their own vomit all around the house, high-school style. The girl I'm with, after throwing up on her bed, drunkenly begs me to stay and take care of her. Because of my hatred of immature drunk people, I simply leave (kind of a d*ck move, I know). The next day my boss talked to me and said that I wouldn't be working with her anymore because she threatened to fill out a sexual harassment case or something against me. Whoa!
Worst date ever.”
“I had no car at 17 but thought I would be creative about taking a girl to a movie without involving my parents:
I invited this girl I had a crush on to come to the movies with me and two guy friends. We sat in the back seat together, and sat next to each other at the movies. For the most part my friends left us alone and it seemed like we were on a quiet, awkward, conversation-less first date. I was pretty lame but tried my best to keep her interest in the few moments a movie-date provides. But on the ride back to her house, my best friend happened to play some music she liked on the stereo and they started talking. She immediately opened up and the two of them hit it off instantly (while I was sitting next to her in the back seat, silently raging). She dated my best friend for a year after that.”
Grease was NOT the word that night.
“I went on a date one time when I was in elementary school with a girl I met through a girl in my class. We were going to see Grease, (the 20th anniversary release in 1998) and we had a lot of time to kill before the movie started. Being the adventurous young chap that I was, I decided to get some Milk Duds from the snack counter, as I had never eaten them before. I thought, "Milk chocolate? Caramel? I love both of them, so together, they should be amazing!"
I had a few of them, and they were pretty good. I waited for them to melt, then chomped down and ate them. After a few, however, I became impatient of waiting for them to soften up and started to just bite through them. It was a little challenging biting through solid caramel, but nothing terrible.
However, one Milk Dud was more difficult to chew than the rest. I popped this particular one to the back of my mouth, and the caramel core decided to latch itself onto one of my molars. I pulled and pulled to try to get it unstuck from my teeth, but the caramel was too much for my young teeth. In trying to open up my mouth, I ended up ripping the stuck molar from my mouth with the hard Milk Dud still attached. The molar wasn't even loose, it just got pulled out!
It's strange enough going on dates when you're that young. It's stranger when it's with a girl you met only once prior to the date. It's strangest when you end up ripping out a not-loose tooth with a Milk Dud still attached, and then have to sit through Grease.
Note: I have not eaten a Milk Dud since.”
Definitely a Team Jacob kinda dude.robert pattinson team edward GIF Giphy
“Not really a date, but still...
I met a girl in a club whilst working as a nightlife photographer - you meet a lot of girls that way, its a good ice breaker. She was pretty, sweet and funny, and we kept bumping into each other throughout the night as I worked. Ended up finishing work and getting to chat to her a bit, things were great, and we ended up going back to her place for a bit of drunken rumpy pumpy.
When we got into her room it was like a normal student room, posters on the wall etc, typical girl stuff, y'know? Twilight poster, calendar of a boy band, some frilly stuff... all that. Quite cute. Anyway, we got down to business, and we were nearly naked when she whispers into my ear in the sexiest way possible, "Bite me like Edward".
I had my clothes on and was out of the door faster than you could even imagine.”
“Long story short. Christmas party went well. met a girl. Woke up in her apartment, in her bed, naked on top of the covers. Woke up because a man in the doorway was angrily asking me, "is that my daughter?" He had come to pick her up for Christmas vacation and her roommates let him in. I answered, "no." by the way. Seemed the only smart thing to do.”
If your memories of first dates make you cringe, just remember, at least your date didn’t throw a tantrum over a Magic the Gathering tournament. That story was unreal.
And if you have a history of bad dates, don’t worry- the right person WILL come along, and they will provide good memories that will give you hope for relationships again.
Christmas is upon us. It's time to get those Christmas present lists together.
So... who has been naughty and who has been nice?
Who is getting diamonds and who is getting coal? Yuck, coal. Is that even a thing anymore? Who even started that idea?
There has to be some funnier or more "for the times" type of "you've been naughty" stocking stuffer.
I feel like the statement coal used to make is kind of last century at this point.
Apparently I'm not alone in this thinking.
Case in point...
Redditor rallfreedom wanted us to update Santa's deliveries for the children on the naughty list, they asked:
"Since Santa is old, and coal was considered worthless back in the day, what new worthless item could Santa give to naughty children in 2021?"
If you really wanted to set me off on Christmas morning, then you should leave me something personalized. Something you how I'd hate. Like a cassette tape of 80's Christian soft rock. That would make a statement of just how naughty I've been.
What a DifferenceBlockbuster GIF by Big Potato GamesGiphy
"Blockbuster gift cards." ~ GamerOfGods33
"And still no one will shop at the one franchise location still open." ~ pesto_trap_god
"AOL Internet discs... (actually getting rare these days)." ~ whorton59
"After collecting enough of those AOL discs, I just open a bottle of Tennessee whiskey and make AOL disc fish wall art." ~ ExRockstar
"I wish I still had the picture, but my friend passed onto me a photo of a chair (more like a throne, if I recall) made entirely of AOL discs." ~ PM_MeYourSmilingFace
"Outdated phone chargers." ~ TheBrotherhoods
"A correct phone charger for the device, but it only works in one very specific angle and charges the phone super slow." ~ Karl_the_stingray
"People rave about how good old Nokias were but they forget that if you went up a version like you got upgraded to a 3310 from a 3210 then all your chargers were now something like 0.25mm too small and you had to buy all new ones." ~ erroneousbosh
"We currently misinterpreted what 'naughty kids get coal' originally meant. For a poor family in December, coal was the difference between warmth and freezing, hot food and not. 'Coal' was not something mean. It was like socks, now." ~ adaza
"Exactly. If the child was selfless, they would get a personal gift as a reward. If the child was selfish, they instead would get a gift to be shared with the family, forcing them to be more altruistic." ~ MoobyTheGoldenSock
Necessities...toilet paper help GIFGiphy
"Toilet paper. Just like coal, it's something the whole house needs and will use but is going to be bought anyway. It's also consumable and practical just like coal." ~ NeverGetaSpaceship
I could still use toilet paper. You never know when society is gonna go off into the deep end again and buy it all up. Remember the beginning of Covid?
Spinfidget GIF by Future GenerationsGiphy
"Idk why but I feel like fidget spinners would be pretty infuriating to the masses of children as something that still counts as a gift but is for sure a let down & past trend." ~ mmaster42
Way back when...
"An "Introduction to Windows 95" book." ~ Actual_grass
"There's one of those package shipping stores near me that sells all kinds of miscellaneous stuff. Anything to make a buck. They have a carousel stand with laminated sheets containing tips on how to use various computer programs. Still for sale as of last week: 'Shortcut keys for Windows XP' and 'Tips for using Microsoft Word 2010.'" ~ dartdoug
"He could give kids one of the old cables that was collected over the years but wasn't thrown away because it could need it at some point." ~ CaptWeirdBeard
"I have a tupperware tote full of those things. I'll sell it to Santa for scap value of the copper. You hear that Santa? $5 and it's all yours." ~ GreatJanitor
"A rotary phone." ~ cannotbefaded
"My Grandma had a rotary phone she kept(still worked so why not) as well as having a cordless phone. Had a relative that wanted to use the rotary phone the one time just to use it instead, decided they didn't want to do that again." ~ golden_fli
"Okay, I actually like rotary phones. I was young enough to remember using rotary phones and preferred using them to touch tone phones. Only because it was fun to spin the dial and watch it spin back into place." ~ GreatJanitor
So close...ronald mcdonald mcdonalds GIFGiphy
"McDonald's toys from 2 years ago. Old enough to not be popular trends, but new enough to not be collector's items." ~ GavinSnowe
McDonald's still has toys? Who knew? And those fidget spinners, how did anyone ever enjoy those? That would set me off as well.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
I admit, I love my stuffed animals. They're the best.
Some of them have been with me for years and I have them proudly displayed in different spots around my apartment. And when I've packed them for a move, I've done so with all the tender loving care I can muster.
What is it about them that stirs up these feelings?
Believe it or not, it's quite possible to form emotional attachments to inanimate objects!
People told us all about their own feelings after Redditor MoneySquare5734 asked the online community:
"People of Reddit, what weird sympathies do you have towards inanimate objects?"
"Computers when someone's throwing a fit or tantrum over something like a game lag, buffering or general software issues. Like dude, get angry at the real cause not the hardware thats essentially just the messenger."
We really mistreat our hardware sometimes, don't we? Going to apologize to my computer now.
"I think we're okay now..."
"I once slapped my iPad when it was being slow, then instinctively hugged it and apologised afterwards. I think we’re okay now but the level of trust definitely isn’t what it used to be."
Serves you right! You have a lot to make up for!
"I have way too much emotion..."
"I have way too much emotion invested in my Roomba. Especially as I only have one charging station, so when it's running in my living room/hallway, it can never get back to base as there's a step in the way."
"Usually feel guilty when I come home and find it stuck in some corner, knowing that it literally ran until exhaustion trying to find its home."
I do not have a Roomba but my friend has one and I think he has the opposite reaction. I think he mistreats his!
"All my dollar bills..."
"All my dollar bills need to face up in my wallet, otherwise I get the feeling those Georges and Lincolns are uncomfortable."
I think I do this too. I did not ask to be attacked like this.
"If I see..."
"If I see a really ugly plush toy at a thrift store, I feel compelled to buy it because I feel like it will just get thrown away. So now I have quite a few ugly plushies. I love them."
Aww, they now have a home with you and they must be so happy!
"I guess in general..."
"Abandoned toys. I guess in general I just feel so bad for any inanimate object that is no longer serving its purpose."
How many toys end up in the dump each year, I wonder? And how many of them are plotting their revenge as we speak?
"So I transferred everything..."
"I got a new cellphone not too long ago. So I transfered everything to my new phone but I didn't turn off the old phone afterward."
"This happened late on a Sunday and the next morning my old phone still rang to wake me up and I was somewhat sad that it still thought it was my current phone and that it still had the duty to wake me in the morning."
The feelings this stirred up... I did not know it was possible to feel this way!
"I am very appreciative..."
"Sometimes I give my car a pat on the dashboard and say thank you. It has carried me so many thousands of miles and i am safe. I am very appreciative of its hard work."
Aww. I don't have a car, but I get this! And your car appreciates YOU!
"When I was a kid..."
"When I was a kid I spent a whole afternoon feeding pebbles to a small drain outside my house because I thought it was hungry."
Okay, this is cute – and totally something a little kid would do!
"There's a thing I call..."
"There’s a thing I call 'mechanical empathy.' If you emotionally attach to your bike or car you’ll be kinder and more gentle to it."
"Some people are really rough on cars and other machinery, it’s painful to drive with them."
I was in a car recently with a driver who got a bad case of road rage and just slammed her hands on the dashboard whenever she was upset. That poor car!
Who knew we could feel so attached to the inanimate objects around us? Humans are fascinating creatures. We're capable of a lot of love and empathy, even for the smallest things.
Have some opinions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.
They say your 30's hits different, like one day you're young a hopeful and the next day you're just WAY too old for this.
What is the "this" you're suddenly too old for?
No idea. It's different for everyone, but make no mistake, it'll happen to you too.
Maybe it already has?
Reddit user BMA1500 asked:
"What sh*t are you too old for?"
Let's take a look at how "too old" hit these Reddit users.
"Arguing with ignorant people on the internet."
"I have no patience or bandwidth to argue with random a-holes on social. Learned that lesson a long time ago."
"Too many fakes and bots now anyway. I am pretty much a 'read only' user of other platforms and only share opinions in person on polarizing issues."
"Petty games while talking to a potential partner."
"Just be straight up and real with me. Tricks are for kids."
"I've always felt this way."
"I remember when one of my girls explained the concept of 'playing hard to get' to me and I was annoyed just hearing it."
"If I have to chase you, that means you’re running away, and I don’t have time for that. If you seem uninterested, I’ll take it on the chin and leave you alone."
"If you like me just say that. If you don’t like me just say that. It’s not hard and moves the process along much faster."
"If you text me and I’m free, I’m going to text back. I’m not going to wait three hours for aesthetic purposes."
"The list goes on."
Cut That Out
"This sounds like some Instagram motivational sh*t, but spending time around people that I genuinely don't like or who make me unhappy and uncomfortable."
"There's so short of a time we have on this Earth and it just hit me right before I turned 30 that I spent a ton of that time with people who I thought sucked."
"I cut that out and I'm much happier."
"I realized this at my cousins wedding. I had a family member walk up to me flat out call me ugly, fat and say that I wasn’t the “good” family guy anymore."
"What!?!? Why would you even say that?? And they said it with a smile on their face the whole time..."
"After that night I haven’t spoken to them in 2 years and I’m super happy! I’m too f*cking old to be dealing with that nonsense for the rest of my life."
"It takes days to recover now, and most bad hangovers come with an existential crisis attached."
"When I was young I remember times I'd have a day off from work and be like 'Hell yeah, I'm gonna get trashed and play video games all night it's gonna be great!' "
"Now it's like "Great, I'm 3 drinks in and I'm just tired & have heart burn.' "
"It's not the same."
"I used to work 12-9pm, party the entire night. And then be back to work like a pro."
"If this was a Friday, partying used to resume Saturday afternoon. That was my early 20s."
"In my 30s now, and I wait for Fridays so that I can be dead on my bed the entire Saturday."
"The existential crisis is the worst. Just lying there wondering what the hell you are doing with your life, what came to this and when you are going to grow out of it."
"Then it passes and life goes on."
"General admission tickets. My old ass requires a reserved seat."
"Hahaha… last gen admission show I went to I had to find a 'comfortable' wall to lean on."
"When it comes to music festivals, the wife and I go for VIP just so we can get fancier washrooms and shorter lines at the food trucks."
"I agree but, man, it makes feel like I’m a spectator at at a concert and not part of the real party down on the floor."
"There comes an age when you have to consider... 'Do I really care what kind of clickbait sh*t my high school friends who I never talk to and never will see, likes?' "
"I only had Facebook because it helped with socializing in college/high school, but afterwards it's really hard to want to add new friends because they can see your history, and you can too."
"Honestly, the only reason why I have a Facebook is because I still have my mom as my friend and she passed 4 years ago."
"Every time I go on there, I'm tired now."
"I deleted Facebook three years ago."
"Found out all my Marine Corps buddies were either total idiots, painfully stereotypical post-9/11 veterans, ill-informed political junkies, and mostly people I haven't had anything to do with in years."
"Moving or helping other people move. Just no."
"I've moved a lot of times and have helped many people move."
"One of the best decisions I've ever made was hiring movers. 300 bucks for the big stuff is money extremely well spent."
"I've broken my body helping people move because I'm the 'young and strong guy' in the friend group. Way too many times now. F*ck that sh*t, hire movers."
"I can agree with this."
"I used to work as a mover for a couple summers and I don't even want to move myself lmao."
Not The Cool Old Guy
"I told myself when I get older I need to be open minded and not the close minded grumpy old man..."
"Then I see all these obviously staged videos and corny dancing/lip syncing stuff and realize it’s inevitable I am not gonna be the cool old guy."
"I have this exact same process with TikTok."
"I think to myself, 'I’m really the bitter old woman I said I would never be, aren’t I?' Lol"
"I’ve downloaded TikTok at least 3 times and deleted it almost immediately."
"I am drawing a line at TikTok. I’m old."
Since We're Talking About TikTok...
"When Macy's Thanksgiving Parade performers are introduced as "TikTok sensation" without any other credentials worth mentioning."
"I think the only performer I knew yesterday was Kelly Rowland because of Destiny’s Child."
"My google search history is full of my confusion."
"Oh man I’m so glad we missed the parade then. Maybe I’m just too old but that would’ve been cringe."
Why Are We Screaming?
"People (mainly young girls) who scream for no reason."
"I understand if you're terrified of something, but screaming when you meet up with your friends or just when the situation does not call for it makes me SO mad. I find it so infuriating."
"Just shut up. Lol."
"My kids learned a very long time ago not to scream like that. I hate excessive loud noise in any environment, but it’s especially nerve wracking in close quarters."
"My Mother-in-Law will have a dinner every so often for the family to get together. My husbands brother’s kids are so freaking annoying like this."
"We’re having pizza? Scream."
"We’re baking cookies? Scream."
"Someone found you in hide and seek? Scream."
"I’ve been too old for that since I was 6. Shit was ALWAYS annoying."
Real talk, apparently I'm *very* old going by the stuff on this list.
I'm gonna need to go sit with that for a bit... let me go turn on the seat warmer so my bones aren't stiff when I stand up later.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
Do all mothers go to the say mom school or something? Because they seem to share the same advice or go on the same platitudes, don't they?
Here's an idea.
Maybe they're just older, have more experience, and are trying to keep us from being dumbasses in public. At least, that's what I think.
I'm definitely grateful for my mother's advice—it's saved me more than once—and it seems many out there are too. And they all seem to have heard the same things from their mothers, too.
Any of these sound familiar? They probably do, and we heard all about them after Redditor lame_excuses asked the online community,
"What are some things all moms say?"
"I'll go first..."
"I'll go first: 'So if your friend jumped off a cliff would you jump off too?"
Okay, my mother did not say this, but all my friends' mothers did.
"We have fun."
"My mom always made me put on a coat when we went outside, even if I wasn't cold, simply because she was cold."
"Now that I'm an adult, she no longer tells me this but instead I complain about being cold and ask, indignantly, why no one told me to put in a coat."
"We have fun."
I want a documentary crew to follow you both around. It'd be hilarious.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
"When you lose something."
- Have you tried looking for it?
- Have you looked everywhere?
- Well, it didn't just get up and walk away.
"I credit George Carlin for all of these."
George Carlin knew what he was talking about. RIP.
"You know Glynis? She's your aunt's mother-in-law's close friend. Anyway, she died last week."
"I have eyes..."
"I have eyes in the back of my head."
"My mom used to say that to my sister and I so we wouldn't be sneaky behind her back. One day she was washing the dishes and I came up behind her with my two fingers and poked her right where I assumed her back eyes would be. She shouted, 'Ouch!' I believed her for years!!"
I was convinced of this too! Damn, my mother was good.
"I had some friends over..."
"I had some friends over when I was a teenager, and I bet them I could get my mom to say the word 'food.'"
"Hey, mom, what's for dinner?"
"Worked every time."
You both clearly planned this!
"When at the billing counter..."
"When at the billing counter every mom has the maternal instinct to say - 'Just stay in the line, I need to go grab a few more things.'"
This is my mother.
How many times have I dealt with this?!
“It’s because you didn’t drink enough water."
BUT I DO!!
"If you have siblings..."
"If you have other siblings and they’re trying to yell at you they will call you by all your other siblings' names before they get to yours. Usually starting with the oldest and working their way backwards."
Good thing my family was small!
"My Mum used to use it all the time..."
"'Soon.'" An indeterminate time frame from 5 minutes to several hours. My Mum used to use it all the time to deflect stupid questions like 'When is dinner?'"
"Answer: she always, always served it around 6 pm."
It's true! My mother would do this – and still does this. And we definitely don't eat as early as that!
Confirmed: All mothers meet for the annual mother convention to say all–and I do mean ALL–of these things to their kids.
Anything missing, though? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.