Being cheated on sucks. What a lot of people don't realize, though, is that it can suck for longer than just that moment, that incident, or even that relationship. Cheating can leave a lasting wound and sow the kinds of trust issues that follow us around for ages. One Reddit user was battling that insecurity from a past relationship when her current fiance started acting more distant. She said she was feeling "really insecure with his change in behavior" even though he gave a valid reason for it. She couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so she created fake profiles on popular dating sites to see if she could find him.
She did. So she turned to Reddit for help.
We'll let her explain:
My fiance and I have been together a year and a half, we moved in with one another a few months ago. Lately he has been a bit distant. I've been cheated on in the past and have been really insecure with his change in behavior. He has assured me he is just stressed about work and because his car broke down a couple weeks ago and he hasn't gotten a replacement yet.
I couldn't let the nagging feeling go, so I did a little investigating. I didn't snoop in his phone or personal accounts, but I made a fake profile on a popular dating site and found him there. He was last online July 1st.
I don't know what to do. How do I confront him? What do I say? Can our relationship be saved? Do I even want to save it?
I feel like I am a wreck right now
Buckle up, guys. You're about to go on a roller coaster of a ride with these responses and updates. Some have been edited for language or clarity.
Got popcorn? Let's do this.
Catfish Him!
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Don't marry someone who is still out there "dating" unless you are okay with an open relationship. If you confront him, he'll say, "it belongs to a friend", "it was just a joke", "I forgot I even had it".
Test him out on the website and see if he is active or if it really does belong someone else.
This Is Ridiculous
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If you don't trust him to the point of going online and creating a fake profile to see if he's on there, and then plan on talking to him through the fake profile to see if he's actually using it, then you're definitely in no position to marry him and you should save yourself the time and ridiculousness and break up.
Catfishing Will Help Her?
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Honestly, the other reason I can think of for op to do it is to help her break away from him. Successfully catfishing him would maybe make her more definite about the breakup, and make it psychologically easier to process (more concrete proof he's bad = easier to let go of, depending on your personality... Although for other people it'd backfire because knowing your SO could hurt you that badly would mess them up.)
Another Perspective
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If I can offer another perspective, about 2 days ago I suddenly got an email from okcupid saying I had matches. Which is great, except I've been in the same relationship for 3.5 years and disabled my account the first month we met. Then got a second email saying there was suspicious activity on my account.
So what did I do? Immediately notified my partner and showed him the emails and asked if he was comfortable with me logging in to see what was up. I did and yup, account had been hacked. In another relationship before we both had our POF accounts suddenly reactivate as well. Dating sites are weird.
So it's possible he was hacked or it got randomly reactivated. But what would be inexcusable is not telling your partner...my first instinct this week wasn't to just go and quietly sort my profile hacking out without notifying my partner....my first instinct was to be open and transparent with the truth. And he was like "huh. Weird. Go do whatever you need to do."
So if he's not cheating them he still has a loooooot of work to do to be an open, honest and transparent partner.
- musicmaj
Be An Adult
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Don't catfish him. Be an adult and confront him. Entrapment is hardly a healthy way to continue a relationship. Ah let's be honest, your relationship is doomed if you are actually considering this as a logical move.
- rbus
Definitely Catfish
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Definitely catfish this to make sure. It's too easy to explain away the active account as "being hacked" -- that's the standard excuse.
On the other hand, I did something completely innocent once that looked shady; I'd been in a relationship with someone for a few months and she got upset/concerned because she'd noticed my POF account was showing as recently active. It was, but I'd logged in once to try and delete the account, then quickly gave up looking for the option. She was OK with the explanation, but I also evidence to prove I'd sent polite "thanks for chatting but I've met someone, bye" messages to 3 or 4 women a month or so prior. I understood why it looked shady though, and was happy to provide proof if she asked for it.
Basically, these things can happen, but don't just take people at their word if you can get proof. If your BF is guilty, he's not going to hold up his hands and say, "yes, you caught me."
Assuming The Worst
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Here's some possible perspective that I might give you.
I met my wife on OkCupid. 2 years in of dating I noticed I hadn't deactivated my account. I logged into it, laughed about the in retrospect cringey shit I wrote in there to try and land a date. I had grown a lot in 2 years. Signed out.
If my wife had seen that I logged in, man, she might have been pretty damn concerned.
A few weeks later I thought, huh, worst case scenario is kinda bad, she might see I still have this. I deactivated it and told her I deactivated it and laughed about the cringey shit I had in there, and laughed about my imagining a paranoid scenario where she would snoop on me and confront me.
Just don't assume the worst of your partner. Has he given you any real reason to?
That being said, you are free to test him out. Ask a friend he doesn't know to hit him up and see how he responds is my idea. That way you can put all this to rest. However, you run the risk of being wrong if you do this. If he finds out you secretly snooped, didn't ask him directly, asked a friend to do this stuff, etc... It shows you don't trust him, and for me personally if they can't trust me, there can't be a relationship in the first place.
Because That Would Be Crazy
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OP, I hope you don't catfish because that would be crazy. Just talk to your fiancé, and if you feel you can't trust him after that then break off the engagement. You are planning on marrying this man, and you need to know how to properly communicate and trust your partner without going behind their back and playing games.
It's hard since you have been lied to and cheated on before, but that's it's even more important that you're able to be with someone that you can trust.
And if he doesn't bite the bait, what will you do? Pretend it didn't happen? You've already made a fake profile and looked for him... from his side, that would sound some pretty big alarms.
- Avertri
Overreacting
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Aren't you overreacting just a bit here? Just tell him what you found. Although it doesn't bode well that you can't just share your feelings.
The Plan Of A 14-year-old
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Obviously you shouldn't try to catfish him. That would be the plan of a 14 year old school girl.
If you must get your screenshots, then ask him what is going on. Talk to him, and respond as if you are a mature adult woman.
Seriously 🙄
UPDATE: Now It's An International Incident
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After reading some responses and suggestions, the girl decided her best course of action was to try and catfish her man rather than talk to him. She couldn't be sure it was him using the profile, so she felt like she needed to catch him in action. She enlisted the help of an old friend who lived in a different country and whose pictures the suspected-cheater had never seen. The friend cleared things with her man and our leading lady got to work creating the profile to try and catch her man.
In Her Own Words
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Thank you everyone. Further investigating is leading me to believe that it is an older profile. The pics aren't recent and I can positively date 8/9 of them to before our relationship the last I am not sure on the date. I think that means a hacking/signing in to try and delete the thing scenarios a little more plausible. I don't think that in itself is enough to break up over... So I guess it is time to either confront or catfish. People here are kinda split on it, but I took the advice to catfish. I need to know for sure. Will update when/if anything comes of it. I texted an old HS friend he has never seen pics of to ask if I could use hers for my profile...
PLOT TWIST!
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So off goes our leading lady creating fake profiles to try to catch her man cheating. She spent a while making the perfect profile using her international friends pictures, then fired off a message to her man. When she didn't get a response she logged back on to the site to see if he had even read the message. That's when she discovered his profile was now deleted.
Now what?
She had no choice left but to confront him or let the unanswered question eat her alive. She opted to confront.
ANOTHER UPDATE: "Clearly My Fake Account"
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I posted a few days ago because I found my fiance on an online dating site. I took reddit's advice and catfished him...
A few hours after I set the bait, I found that his profile had been deleted.
When he came home from work I showed him the screen shot and asked him what was up.
Long story short, He was hanging out with his coworker and the coworker was frustrated with figuring out how to navigate the ame dating site. My fiance signed into his old account (opened in 2013) to try to help his friend figure it out. Apparently a lot had changed on this particular site and he realized that his knowledge on the site was too out of date so he logged out and that was it. A few days later he saw in his email that he had gotten a message from a woman on the site and he then deleted his account.
He obviously couldn't show me his dating site account, but he did volunteer to show me his email account with all the alerts from the site, the only woman that had messaged him recently was clearly my fake account. He also realized when we were looking through his email that he had an unused old profile on another dating site, he signed in and deleted that one in front of me.
I fessed up about catfishing him. He wasn't upset at all. Said he understood completely considering my history and that I have been in therapy for trust issues for years. He was more upset with himself for not realizing that his behavior would make me so insecure.
I apologized for not trusting him and catfishing. He apologized for being so distant lately and not deleting his dating profiles ages ago.
He offered an open phone/social media/email policy between us, in case we ever stumble across another "trust but verify" type of situation.
The responses to her update were ... um ... interesting.
Save Your Sanity
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Sweet baby lord Jesus a lot of people on this thread need therapy. OP, save your sanity and delete these threads.
- mdp928
Six Months Tops
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"Life is good," but you're so insecure you can't trust your boyfriend enough to have an adult conversation about this and instead go straight to catfishing?
I not only give this relationship six months tops, unless you start handling problems in a healthy way, this kind of situation will keep happening.
Before Considering Marriage
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Yeah I was on OP's side but now they both seem dysfunctional. Like how did she know which dating site he was on, there are so many! And I'm sure the boyfriend had a back up story ready, maybe because OP has trust issues. Now they have a marriage date set?
They both need to work on their relationship and trust issues before considering marriage. Not a boat any of us would like to be on.
- rrr_zzz
"Handled My Crazy Girl Side With Grace"
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Super relieved to hear this. Sometimes communication is best. I agree that it is okay to do a little snooping because you want to be smart enough not to fall for bs or be blind to deception. But it is also good when your partner can talk to you so openly and you can work things out and get through a misunderstanding. So happy for you! I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. We met on a dating site and a few months ago we were a little distant because of stress and him finishing school. I got insecure and went through his phone and found dating app messages. I confronted him about it and it turned out that it was just spam and he proved it to me by logging in and showing me that the last activity was a month before he met me. I was really happy he handled my crazy girl side so gracefully. I wasn't in the right but it felt good to know that we can be open about anything that bothers either of us.
Communication Resolves Issues
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This is the best kind of update!!!
My friend recently messaged me to let me know she had come across my BF's profile on Bumble, she had been cheated on by her fiancée so she's really sensitive about these things. I knew it was probably nothing, but there's always that voice.
BF was out of the country at the time (even weirder that his profile was showing up!), I debated waiting for him to come back (where the small voice might become a louder voice), or just saying it to him via text (where I can't read his facial expression / tone of voice). I did end up just messaging him, he knows I have a touch of anxiety so I told him I knew it was likely nothing but just needed to raise it with him to shut that voice up. He reassured me that he just hadn't deactivated account and that he's not using it or any other dating apps, where we live or abroad. He said he wasn't bothered to reinstall the app just to deactivate it, unless I really wanted him to, I'm not that fussed.
He travels a lot for work, before his next trip we were out for dinner, I made a joke about it and told him I wouldn't accuse him of cheating on me this time, he took out his phone, placed it in front of me and said *"Anytime you want to check, just let me know."*
Who knew communication resolves issues in relationships!?
Tricks Instead Of Communication
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I'm not trying to be mean but make sure you have everything mentally in order before you get married. By your own admission you have some stuff to work through. And it puts a lot of strain on a marriage if the people in it don't trust each other and use tricks instead of communication.
H/T: Reddit
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.