In 2017 I was briefly famous in Nigeria, a country I have never been to and know very little about. In a series of events that I would absolutely not believe if I had not lived them, I ended up accused of plucking my left eye out to gain entry into the Illuminati.
Thing is, only people in Nigeria seemed to care about my penchant for blinding myself - because literally nobody knows who I am so why would the Illuminati want me and why would anyone care? The Illuminati version of the story didn't pick up traction anywhere else, but in Nigeria I was people's favorite bit of conspiracy theory evidence for a while there. This whole situation was surreal.
Evidently in one of the iterations of my eye-loss story (which is truthfully wild enough without the Illuminati, thanks) a creative and enthusiastic writer decided to tell their readers that I was a Nigerian socialite and that's why the Illuminati was even interested in the first place. Other local outlets ran with that version of events.
Fast forward a few weeks and I started getting messages from people I had never met accusing me of being in the Illuminati. One person told me God would punish me for "plucking your eye out just so you can partake in eating babies."
So yeah, the weirdest thing I've ever been accused of is plucking my eye out so I could chow down on some people mcnuggets.
Think Reddit can find a weirder thing someone's been accused of? Let's find out.
Mommy Issues
My mom accused me of stealing her boyfriend from her even though she knows I'm straight, I'm a guy and in a relationship. Also, I don't know why she thinks I would steal her partners. 😐
My mom hates it that most of her boyfriends like to hang out with me since I'm a social butterfly and treat them like human beings and not like toys, like my mom. Her mentality is "Men were created to be a woman's slave."
When they break up with her, most of them send me text messages on thanking me to help them get out away from her. I still talk to my mom's ex's and they are in better relationships.
My mom thinks that I stole her boyfriends to make them fall in love with me and then brainwashed them to breakup with her. (Yeah don't know where that idea came from)
She even thinks that my girlfriend is a 'Cover Up' on the fact that I'm gay and trying to act straight and she is really determined that I'm gay!
Mom: You can just stop pretending to be straight and admit that you are a Man-whore who steals women's men.
Me: Rolling my eyes for the 100 time I'm not gay and it's your Fault that you can't be a decent human being with good morals.
Mom: How dare you say I'm ugly?!
Me: You said that not me.
Mom: Stop acting straight and admit you are a man-whore!! whining
Me: No, it's not my fault that I treat your ex's better than you can!!
It went on and on until I have to leave the house and go to my Girlfriends and she was laughing the whole time,she said that most parents want their kids to be straight but my mom wants me to be gay to not admit SHE was the problem of men and not someone else 'seducing' them! Lol
Islamaphobic Against Furries
I was accused of being Islamaphobic against furries for asking them to stop posting graphic pornography to the house group chat.
Their argument had something to do with fur suits and burkas and them being f*cking insane.
$6.66
Giphy
Being a child devil worshipper.
When I was about 9 or 10, I rode my bike the store to get candy or something, at the register my total came out to $6.66.
The cashier lady started screaming at me to buy something else quickly. I was confused in the moment and said I didn't want or need anything else. She said I better buy something else because I must be a devil worshipper to make the numbers come up like that. It's such vivid memory because it was so weird, and I was too young to stand up for myself or argue back.
Not to mention, this happened in like a nice, large progressive suburban area, not a Midwest small town or anything...
Cancer Wings
A lady once accused me of giving her family cancer because her honey BBQ chicken wings were slightly blackened on the bottom, cause you know, sugar burns. She had me remake them a few times and the only way I was able to get them to not blacken was to soak the bottom of the pan in Pam. Absurd.
Crohn's And Terrorism
Making a terrorist threat.
A company wanted to fire me due to a disability I have, even though it didn't interfere with me doing my job in anyway. I just was skewing the insurance usage charts. When they realized I was never going to give them a legitimate reason to fire me, they came up with that.
Just so you know, I was a Vice President at a major insurance company, and was a highly compensated employee. None of that meant anything. Oh, and they were a health carrier, so the accessed my medical records too.
I have Crohn's Disease. My medication costs around $300,000 a year. They were self insured. They tried to specifically exclude my medication, and I lawyered up. It was a matter of time.
And yes, I successfully sued them for a substantial amount of money.
Just Racist
My roommate's boyfriend, who ended up moving in with us, accused my friend of stealing my roommate's pet snake. My friend had only been at our place once and she lived at the college dorms. So he accused her of sneaking a ball python up her sleeve and secretly keeping it in her dorm room.
Turns out this guy was a racist piece of sht. The only other black person who stepped foot in our house, another one of my friends, he accused of stealing his cigarettes. This friend DOES NOT even smoke.
- CandaF
Cocoa Puffs
Calling a black kid Cocoa Puffs in 4th grade. The kid didn't like me so he completely made it up, and keep in mind I had a very very anti-racist mindset growing up. The teacher pulled me outside and forced me to confess because she wasn't having any "he made it up."
Also, I'm from Romania and when I went there over the summer, I saw how poorly Gypsies were treated by everyone else and I suddenly gained a more nuanced view on race.
I don't know how but it still bothers me today and I am very sensitive to false accusations when I see them.
Physically Incapable
Weirdest and the most hurtful; my best friend of 4 years accused me of having sexual relations with her brother. For some reasons I'd rather not get into details on, I physically could not do what she was accusing me of. She knew that, as well.
But our friendship was seeming to turn toxic (both at fault for that) and we weren't getting along well. I feel like it could have possibly been the last plea from her to remove herself from the friendship, but to take it to that extremity was absolutely not okay.
She told her parents, my mom, and her other friends. After threats to take me to court, my mom stepped up and talked to hers, giving doctoral proof that I could not have possibly performed anything that was said.
Still upsets me to this day that things were taken so out of hand and that anyone who knows me could think that I would do such a thing at that.
Assault With A Dairy Weapon
At a coffee shop I worked at my boss came up to me one day and straight up asked me if I threw a jug of milk at a customer. He told me he knew it was very unlikely, but apparently somebody complained that I'd basically assaulted them so he had to check.
That was definitely a weird one.
Because It Was True
I worked at a bar when I was 19. The creepy owner accused me of gossiping about him and another waitress. Apparently I started a rumor they had an affair (he was married).
I heard the rumor, but didn't start it. It started on its own, because it was true. He left his wife a year later.
Super Hidden Stash
My aunt accused me of stealing her and her husband's pot. When she found it, she accused me of being a bad mom and not keeping an eye on my kids because they must've found it and moved it.
No stupid, your stoned self didn't remember where you hid it.
3 Weeks Ago
OMFG I met a girl recently who had a huge paranoia problem and accuses people of strange stuff all the time. Even me and we just met!
First of all I just accepted her on Facebook and she went over ALL of my friends profiles to come at me and ask me if I approve of my cousins FB post, she was scandalized so I went to check. It was just a Halloween picture with fake blood and shit so I said "You think Halloween is disrespectful to the dead?"
NO. She thought my cousin committed actual murder and posted it on Facebook lol
Then when we were chatting online before we met in real life she accused me of trying to trick her. She believed that I was 2 people taking turns talking to her and that it was not really me talking sometimes.
She then thought I disappeared because I didn't text her back one entire morning (Like yea I'm working) and proceeded to call the police
All of this, we met 3 weeks ago 😂
Drugged In Quebec
Not the accused, but the accuser. On an 8th grade trip to Quebec, we had to sleep on the bus, and I got very little. The next day, I was understandably exhausted.
At one point I accidentally dozed off and took a nap as we were moving (I rarely, if ever, take naps as they are disorienting for me) and when I woke up, we had gotten to a stop for lunch. I was so woozy, that I could barely process the world around me, and somehow I convinced myself that someone had somehow drugged me.
So I began accusing my friends (and enemies) of drugging me. It took me awhile for me to calm down and listen to reason, and even when I got to that point, I was still really out of it. It was truly the most bizarre thing that happened that trip.
Poo, A Wallet, and The Police
Giphy
I was once accused of stealing a girl's wallet because I had bad diarrhea. Let me explain.
I was about 16. I had a sudden attack of the runs and had to go real bad. We've all been there, right? I was in the city center in my town at night, and the only place open for me to use a toilet was the single public toilet near the bus interchange. I was sitting there, minding my own business, in a bit of bowel pain with really bad runs when I heard a bang on the door and a girl's voice asking me if I could see a wallet anywhere. I mean, I was kind of distracted by the pain of my pooping at the time, but I did my best to look around and I yelled out that there was no wallet anywhere I could see. Well, guys, she didn't believe me.
She insisted that I let her in to look for her wallet, and I said, "Sure, when I'm done." Then she asked me why it was taking me so long. I was like, "I'm using the toilet still!" I didn't want to go into detail. I began to hear a rising set of voices outside. She started yelling at me that she knew I'd stolen her wallet because otherwise why was I spending so much time in the toilet? I was annoyed, but it's not like there was anything I could do about it.
When I was finally done with the awful poop-attack and opened up the door, there was a crowd gathered outside and a police officer. The police officer then proceeded to question me about the whereabouts of this young lady's wallet. I was a bit freaked out, of course, being 16 and accused suddenly of a crime I didn't commit. The police officer turned to the young woman and asked her name. The girl told her and the officer made a really annoyed sigh and said, "We have your wallet back at the station. Come with me." The girl turned on her heel, without an apology to me and I never saw her again. But I remember her name, 25 years later. And if I ever run into her again, I'm gonna... probably do nothing.
Real Life GTA
When I was in high school, around 16 years old, an older kid showed up at my door one day after school and accused me of stealing his car stereo and threatening me if I didn't give it back. I knew jack sht about car stereos or how to remove them from a car.
Over the next month or so I saw a steady chain of people accusing me of stealing their car audio stuff. To this day I don't understand how I became associated with this string of thefts. It was crazy how it snowballed.
Eventually another kid from our school was caught by police with an entire garage full of the stuff.
Salt And Pepper
My dad has a terrible memory and misplaces things constantly. There were a solid couple of years right after I moved out, that he was convinced that I was coming into their house while no one was home, just to move the salt and pepper shakers around so he wouldn't be able to find them. Like he was telling everyone that I was doing this, apparently just out of spite for him. I can confirm that I did not do this ever. I have no idea why he specifically thought I was doing such a strangely specific, and petty thing.
Cat Lover
In high school a girl on the bus asked me why I let a cat eat tuna out of my vagina (I didn't) I was so shocked by the question I thought I misheard her.
I was really young had not even considered that was a thing that could be done - but because my initial reaction was that of being dumbstruck it seemed to confirm that I had done this. Thankfully this rumor was so ludicrous it didn't stick....or at least I think it didn't, no one ever asked me about it again.
Unarmed And Hatless
Had armed police come to my home after reports of a little girl said a man was aiming a gun out the window. The girl was adamant that he was wearing a hat.
I don't own any hats or guns and despite those facts the police and the girls mom wanted to go nuts at me. The little girl was even saying it wasn't me. I had also only just got home about ten minutes prior.
Thankfully everything ended well for me but was a terrifying experience.
- Fox_
Hate Crimes And Dog Poo
Got accused of a hate crime, but it ended up being the person doing it to themselves.
They told our building management that they saw me bleaching a swastika on the carpet in front of their apartment a floor above me. I was at work during the time she claimed it was me. I'd never seen her before in my life and have no idea why I was singled out. Well, I have a SMALL inkling... I'd written a letter to our superintendent because the people above us used to let their dog do their business, number one and two, on their patio because they were too lazy to bring the dog outside.
I'd been leaning on the rail and had a stream of dog piss pour down on me one day. I should have gone upstairs and banged on the door, but I did the civil thing and wrote a written complaint to the neighbors. A few days later, we found dog shit out there. So I went to the supers with it. They must have then given an official warning to the offenders about it. So I guess they knew who ratted them out, from the first letter. But it was signed "Your Neighbors on the 12th floor" and there were 4 of us living in the place at the time, so I still don't know why they picked me specifically.
So yeah, when the woman went to the supers a while later to accuse me of bleaching a swastika in their carpet, she described me to the super, who then understood which of me and my roommates they were going to question. The woman had said she watched me through the peep-hole in her door as I "burned the swastika into the floor."
As I said before, I'd been at work the whole time. Super told one of the roommates about it, he came to get me at work and we went to the cops.
Turns out that she'd accused others over the years of various hate crimes and that every time it happened, the conclusion was that she was doing it herself for attention. The people she picked was arbitrary, except for this time. She did it because I didn't like dealing with her dog's... leavings.
The cops laughed about it, which was fine, because I knew they understood that I'd done nothing wrong. They told me that if she ever gave us problems again, to call them first. We ended up moving to a much higher floor.
For the record, I still have no idea what those people even look like. That was about 2004-5 so the dog's probably long gone at this point, I guess.
Appliance Repair
After a lengthy and angry harangue in which she accused me of holding her washing machine without repairing it, I eventually managed to convince a wrong-number caller that I was not the appliance repair technician. Without missing a beat, she asked me, "Well then why are you answering their phone?"
I gently placed the phone back in the cradle. What else could I do?
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