In 2017 I was briefly famous in Nigeria, a country I have never been to and know very little about. In a series of events that I would absolutely not believe if I had not lived them, I ended up accused of plucking my left eye out to gain entry into the Illuminati.
Thing is, only people in Nigeria seemed to care about my penchant for blinding myself - because literally nobody knows who I am so why would the Illuminati want me and why would anyone care? The Illuminati version of the story didn't pick up traction anywhere else, but in Nigeria I was people's favorite bit of conspiracy theory evidence for a while there. This whole situation was surreal.
Evidently in one of the iterations of my eye-loss story (which is truthfully wild enough without the Illuminati, thanks) a creative and enthusiastic writer decided to tell their readers that I was a Nigerian socialite and that's why the Illuminati was even interested in the first place. Other local outlets ran with that version of events.
Fast forward a few weeks and I started getting messages from people I had never met accusing me of being in the Illuminati. One person told me God would punish me for "plucking your eye out just so you can partake in eating babies."
So yeah, the weirdest thing I've ever been accused of is plucking my eye out so I could chow down on some people mcnuggets.
Think Reddit can find a weirder thing someone's been accused of? Let's find out.
Mommy Issues
My mom accused me of stealing her boyfriend from her even though she knows I'm straight, I'm a guy and in a relationship. Also, I don't know why she thinks I would steal her partners. 😐
My mom hates it that most of her boyfriends like to hang out with me since I'm a social butterfly and treat them like human beings and not like toys, like my mom. Her mentality is "Men were created to be a woman's slave."
When they break up with her, most of them send me text messages on thanking me to help them get out away from her. I still talk to my mom's ex's and they are in better relationships.
My mom thinks that I stole her boyfriends to make them fall in love with me and then brainwashed them to breakup with her. (Yeah don't know where that idea came from)
She even thinks that my girlfriend is a 'Cover Up' on the fact that I'm gay and trying to act straight and she is really determined that I'm gay!
Mom: You can just stop pretending to be straight and admit that you are a Man-whore who steals women's men.
Me: Rolling my eyes for the 100 time I'm not gay and it's your Fault that you can't be a decent human being with good morals.
Mom: How dare you say I'm ugly?!
Me: You said that not me.
Mom: Stop acting straight and admit you are a man-whore!! whining
Me: No, it's not my fault that I treat your ex's better than you can!!
It went on and on until I have to leave the house and go to my Girlfriends and she was laughing the whole time,she said that most parents want their kids to be straight but my mom wants me to be gay to not admit SHE was the problem of men and not someone else 'seducing' them! Lol
Islamaphobic Against Furries
I was accused of being Islamaphobic against furries for asking them to stop posting graphic pornography to the house group chat.
Their argument had something to do with fur suits and burkas and them being f*cking insane.
$6.66
Being a child devil worshipper.
When I was about 9 or 10, I rode my bike the store to get candy or something, at the register my total came out to $6.66.
The cashier lady started screaming at me to buy something else quickly. I was confused in the moment and said I didn't want or need anything else. She said I better buy something else because I must be a devil worshipper to make the numbers come up like that. It's such vivid memory because it was so weird, and I was too young to stand up for myself or argue back.
Not to mention, this happened in like a nice, large progressive suburban area, not a Midwest small town or anything...
Cancer Wings
A lady once accused me of giving her family cancer because her honey BBQ chicken wings were slightly blackened on the bottom, cause you know, sugar burns. She had me remake them a few times and the only way I was able to get them to not blacken was to soak the bottom of the pan in Pam. Absurd.
Crohn's And Terrorism
Making a terrorist threat.
A company wanted to fire me due to a disability I have, even though it didn't interfere with me doing my job in anyway. I just was skewing the insurance usage charts. When they realized I was never going to give them a legitimate reason to fire me, they came up with that.
Just so you know, I was a Vice President at a major insurance company, and was a highly compensated employee. None of that meant anything. Oh, and they were a health carrier, so the accessed my medical records too.
I have Crohn's Disease. My medication costs around $300,000 a year. They were self insured. They tried to specifically exclude my medication, and I lawyered up. It was a matter of time.
And yes, I successfully sued them for a substantial amount of money.
Just Racist
My roommate's boyfriend, who ended up moving in with us, accused my friend of stealing my roommate's pet snake. My friend had only been at our place once and she lived at the college dorms. So he accused her of sneaking a ball python up her sleeve and secretly keeping it in her dorm room.
Turns out this guy was a racist piece of sht. The only other black person who stepped foot in our house, another one of my friends, he accused of stealing his cigarettes. This friend DOES NOT even smoke.
- CandaF
Cocoa Puffs
Calling a black kid Cocoa Puffs in 4th grade. The kid didn't like me so he completely made it up, and keep in mind I had a very very anti-racist mindset growing up. The teacher pulled me outside and forced me to confess because she wasn't having any "he made it up."
Also, I'm from Romania and when I went there over the summer, I saw how poorly Gypsies were treated by everyone else and I suddenly gained a more nuanced view on race.
I don't know how but it still bothers me today and I am very sensitive to false accusations when I see them.
Physically Incapable
Weirdest and the most hurtful; my best friend of 4 years accused me of having sexual relations with her brother. For some reasons I'd rather not get into details on, I physically could not do what she was accusing me of. She knew that, as well.
But our friendship was seeming to turn toxic (both at fault for that) and we weren't getting along well. I feel like it could have possibly been the last plea from her to remove herself from the friendship, but to take it to that extremity was absolutely not okay.
She told her parents, my mom, and her other friends. After threats to take me to court, my mom stepped up and talked to hers, giving doctoral proof that I could not have possibly performed anything that was said.
Still upsets me to this day that things were taken so out of hand and that anyone who knows me could think that I would do such a thing at that.
Assault With A Dairy Weapon
At a coffee shop I worked at my boss came up to me one day and straight up asked me if I threw a jug of milk at a customer. He told me he knew it was very unlikely, but apparently somebody complained that I'd basically assaulted them so he had to check.
That was definitely a weird one.
Because It Was True
I worked at a bar when I was 19. The creepy owner accused me of gossiping about him and another waitress. Apparently I started a rumor they had an affair (he was married).
I heard the rumor, but didn't start it. It started on its own, because it was true. He left his wife a year later.
Super Hidden Stash
My aunt accused me of stealing her and her husband's pot. When she found it, she accused me of being a bad mom and not keeping an eye on my kids because they must've found it and moved it.
No stupid, your stoned self didn't remember where you hid it.
3 Weeks Ago
OMFG I met a girl recently who had a huge paranoia problem and accuses people of strange stuff all the time. Even me and we just met!
First of all I just accepted her on Facebook and she went over ALL of my friends profiles to come at me and ask me if I approve of my cousins FB post, she was scandalized so I went to check. It was just a Halloween picture with fake blood and shit so I said "You think Halloween is disrespectful to the dead?"
NO. She thought my cousin committed actual murder and posted it on Facebook lol
Then when we were chatting online before we met in real life she accused me of trying to trick her. She believed that I was 2 people taking turns talking to her and that it was not really me talking sometimes.
She then thought I disappeared because I didn't text her back one entire morning (Like yea I'm working) and proceeded to call the police
All of this, we met 3 weeks ago 😂
Drugged In Quebec
Not the accused, but the accuser. On an 8th grade trip to Quebec, we had to sleep on the bus, and I got very little. The next day, I was understandably exhausted.
At one point I accidentally dozed off and took a nap as we were moving (I rarely, if ever, take naps as they are disorienting for me) and when I woke up, we had gotten to a stop for lunch. I was so woozy, that I could barely process the world around me, and somehow I convinced myself that someone had somehow drugged me.
So I began accusing my friends (and enemies) of drugging me. It took me awhile for me to calm down and listen to reason, and even when I got to that point, I was still really out of it. It was truly the most bizarre thing that happened that trip.
Poo, A Wallet, and The Police
I was once accused of stealing a girl's wallet because I had bad diarrhea. Let me explain.
I was about 16. I had a sudden attack of the runs and had to go real bad. We've all been there, right? I was in the city center in my town at night, and the only place open for me to use a toilet was the single public toilet near the bus interchange. I was sitting there, minding my own business, in a bit of bowel pain with really bad runs when I heard a bang on the door and a girl's voice asking me if I could see a wallet anywhere. I mean, I was kind of distracted by the pain of my pooping at the time, but I did my best to look around and I yelled out that there was no wallet anywhere I could see. Well, guys, she didn't believe me.
She insisted that I let her in to look for her wallet, and I said, "Sure, when I'm done." Then she asked me why it was taking me so long. I was like, "I'm using the toilet still!" I didn't want to go into detail. I began to hear a rising set of voices outside. She started yelling at me that she knew I'd stolen her wallet because otherwise why was I spending so much time in the toilet? I was annoyed, but it's not like there was anything I could do about it.
When I was finally done with the awful poop-attack and opened up the door, there was a crowd gathered outside and a police officer. The police officer then proceeded to question me about the whereabouts of this young lady's wallet. I was a bit freaked out, of course, being 16 and accused suddenly of a crime I didn't commit. The police officer turned to the young woman and asked her name. The girl told her and the officer made a really annoyed sigh and said, "We have your wallet back at the station. Come with me." The girl turned on her heel, without an apology to me and I never saw her again. But I remember her name, 25 years later. And if I ever run into her again, I'm gonna... probably do nothing.
Real Life GTA
When I was in high school, around 16 years old, an older kid showed up at my door one day after school and accused me of stealing his car stereo and threatening me if I didn't give it back. I knew jack sht about car stereos or how to remove them from a car.
Over the next month or so I saw a steady chain of people accusing me of stealing their car audio stuff. To this day I don't understand how I became associated with this string of thefts. It was crazy how it snowballed.
Eventually another kid from our school was caught by police with an entire garage full of the stuff.
Salt And Pepper
My dad has a terrible memory and misplaces things constantly. There were a solid couple of years right after I moved out, that he was convinced that I was coming into their house while no one was home, just to move the salt and pepper shakers around so he wouldn't be able to find them. Like he was telling everyone that I was doing this, apparently just out of spite for him. I can confirm that I did not do this ever. I have no idea why he specifically thought I was doing such a strangely specific, and petty thing.
Cat Lover
In high school a girl on the bus asked me why I let a cat eat tuna out of my vagina (I didn't) I was so shocked by the question I thought I misheard her.
I was really young had not even considered that was a thing that could be done - but because my initial reaction was that of being dumbstruck it seemed to confirm that I had done this. Thankfully this rumor was so ludicrous it didn't stick....or at least I think it didn't, no one ever asked me about it again.
Unarmed And Hatless
Had armed police come to my home after reports of a little girl said a man was aiming a gun out the window. The girl was adamant that he was wearing a hat.
I don't own any hats or guns and despite those facts the police and the girls mom wanted to go nuts at me. The little girl was even saying it wasn't me. I had also only just got home about ten minutes prior.
Thankfully everything ended well for me but was a terrifying experience.
- Fox_
Hate Crimes And Dog Poo
Got accused of a hate crime, but it ended up being the person doing it to themselves.
They told our building management that they saw me bleaching a swastika on the carpet in front of their apartment a floor above me. I was at work during the time she claimed it was me. I'd never seen her before in my life and have no idea why I was singled out. Well, I have a SMALL inkling... I'd written a letter to our superintendent because the people above us used to let their dog do their business, number one and two, on their patio because they were too lazy to bring the dog outside.
I'd been leaning on the rail and had a stream of dog piss pour down on me one day. I should have gone upstairs and banged on the door, but I did the civil thing and wrote a written complaint to the neighbors. A few days later, we found dog shit out there. So I went to the supers with it. They must have then given an official warning to the offenders about it. So I guess they knew who ratted them out, from the first letter. But it was signed "Your Neighbors on the 12th floor" and there were 4 of us living in the place at the time, so I still don't know why they picked me specifically.
So yeah, when the woman went to the supers a while later to accuse me of bleaching a swastika in their carpet, she described me to the super, who then understood which of me and my roommates they were going to question. The woman had said she watched me through the peep-hole in her door as I "burned the swastika into the floor."
As I said before, I'd been at work the whole time. Super told one of the roommates about it, he came to get me at work and we went to the cops.
Turns out that she'd accused others over the years of various hate crimes and that every time it happened, the conclusion was that she was doing it herself for attention. The people she picked was arbitrary, except for this time. She did it because I didn't like dealing with her dog's... leavings.
The cops laughed about it, which was fine, because I knew they understood that I'd done nothing wrong. They told me that if she ever gave us problems again, to call them first. We ended up moving to a much higher floor.
For the record, I still have no idea what those people even look like. That was about 2004-5 so the dog's probably long gone at this point, I guess.
Appliance Repair
After a lengthy and angry harangue in which she accused me of holding her washing machine without repairing it, I eventually managed to convince a wrong-number caller that I was not the appliance repair technician. Without missing a beat, she asked me, "Well then why are you answering their phone?"
I gently placed the phone back in the cradle. What else could I do?
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- People Break Down The Worst Co-Worker They've Ever Had ... ›
- People Share The Craziest Cases Of Vigilante Justice They've Ever ... ›
- Managers Divulge The Weirdest Complaint They've Ever Received ... ›
- People Break Down The Most Absurd Baby Names They've Ever Heard - George Takei ›
- People Divulge The Weirdest Things They Found In A Public Toilet - George Takei ›
- Managers Divulge The Weirdest Complaint They've Ever Received About An Employee - George Takei ›
Though it's often used as the butt of jokes, there's still a lot to appreciate in the United States, whether you live there or are visiting.
But there are also a lot of things that leave onlookers infinitely perplexed about what it's actually like to live in the United States and why they do things like that.
Redditor DadIsMadAtMe asked:
"What’s the hardest thing for you to comprehend about the American culture?"
School Pride!
"School mascots. Where I live, we just have teams and just play matches against people."
"In America, it’s all like, 'GO, EASTTOWN EAGLES!!! OOGACHACKA!' and there would be some person in a cheapo eagle suit spinning a basketball on his fingers or something. You would have a full dramatic cheerleader dance-off before your match, we just shake hands and stare hard at each other."
- benderbrodriguez2
No Child Left Behind
"Canadian here on spring break in Florida."
"I can't get over the baseline... I don't know how to say it, the baseline education level? There are smart people, but there are also completely uneducated people. Like, the divide is massive."
- Spiffydude98
Little-To-No Paid Time Off
"Having two weeks vacation or no PTO (Personal Time Off) for most."
"In my current country, you have to take two weeks of mandatory leave in a row. Including public holidays, I get about seven weeks of vacation per year."
- poor_decision
Financial Debt Culture
"How casual debt is, how easy it is to take loans and credit cards out in other people's names without their knowledge, and how casual it is to rack up huge amounts of debt."
- StrangeDarkling
...Enough Said.
"College fraternities."
- Gorazde
Where's the Poutine?
"Americans love french fries, cheese, and gravy, but poutine never took off south of the border. Always found that odd."
- righhanddan
Zero-Tolerance Policies
"The zero-tolerance rule... Who came up with that s**t? The victim is the one who is f**ked. Either he gets bullied or he gets a penalty for defending himself."
- vomahaf244
Political Followers
"A lot of people follow and worship politicians like they’re gods with flags and all that s**t. In the UK, it’s universally acknowledged that we hate all politicians pretty much equally."
- Monkeytennis01
Tipping Culture
"Having to tip almost everywhere. It definitely makes sense at some places, but feel like we have to tip at the most random of places these days."
- Educational_Word_647
Cultural Appropriation
"I speak as a Latin American, just setting that down on the table."
"I don’t get why people think that using something from my culture or showing interest in Latin culture is 'cultural appropriation.' I’ve even spoken to a lot of people in my culture about this thing and we all think it’s alright."
- OG_sweaterguy
Healthcare
"Your healthcare system, it's so complicated and expensive. And people going bankrupt because they get sick, what bulls**ttery is this?"
- MrTempleDene
The Stereotypical American Eagle
"American here, fun fact! That stereotypical screech you commonly hear associated with the bald eagle is actually a red-tailed hawk. Bald eagles do not make that sound. They make more of a weird (way less cool) chirping sound."
"I was too old when I learned this for the first time."
- ay-aye-ron
Plus Tax... What?
"Why don't they include tax in the total price of something? Just include it and make life easier. I don't want to have to do maths every time I go there and buy something."
- Old_Understanding325
Not In That Exact Order
"You are allowed to drive a car at 16, own guns, and sign up for the military at 18. But alcohol, behold the devil's liquid!, is only for 21+. The math ain't mathin'."
- lover_of_wisdom_
Money Money Money Money
"Lobbying."
"Legal bribery, what the h**l."
"Also, why do you have to do your taxes? If the Government, in the end, knows if what you paid was what you actually owed, why not just tell you."
- Lolleos
People looking in on the United States definitely had some questions about the people who live there and the systems they have to observe. But the big secret is that many Americans are asking the same exact questions.
People Confess Which Things They Swore They'd Never Do As A Kid But Ended Up Doing Anyway
When you were younger, your protected perspective on life and the world was probably significantly different compared to now.
Before life experience informed your decisions, younger you most likely had higher aspirations to achieve a specific goal or swore off doing something you found objectionable.
But here you are, as an adult, doing the exact opposite of what you had intended.
Curious to hear from strangers online about their developmental growth, Redditor 1234kyou_ asked:
"What did you swear in your childhood you would never do, but ended up doing anyways?"
Some hobbies that delighted us as kids never really go away as these Redditors have experienced.
The "Bird Creep"
"Birdwatching. I used to think it was the lamest way someone could spend their time when I was a kid. How could anyone just sit around and look at birds? What are you, some kind of bird creep? ... 20 years later and I'm obsessed with birds. Love hearing their songs and seeing all the beautiful colors."
– Koala-teas
Unfilled Dream
"Give up drawing."
"I actually broke my own heart when I recently found a school project we did back when I was a kid. We had to write a letter for our future selves and mine starts with: 'Hey, did you become an artist already? I really hope you did not become a boring adult with a boring job who gave up on his dreams and passions.'"
"Well, sorry little me, but I kinda did."
– Aesma_
Tending To One's Garden
"Gardening. We had a large garden. We raised and preserved what we grew. It was me and my sister's job to care for this garden. This was back when whipping your child was acceptable punishment. I was whipped sooo many times, because I hated that I had to grew and preserved vegetables I did not like. I hated it! Swore I'd never have a garden. Never do THAT to my kids. Then I had kids. A switch flipped in my head. I had to have a garden! I never made my kids take care of it. Gardening was my 'me' time. But being little kids, they wanted to be with mom and 'help' with the garden. I 'gave' them an area and they were allowed to grow whatever they wanted. If it was a fruit or vegetables , they had to eat it. As a result, they both love gardening and neither are picky eaters."
– Eogh21
When it comes to keeping it in the family, it's not always the goal.
Like Father...
"I have become my father."
– jer1303
Like Mother...
"I have become my mom.... even the voice is similar."
– rogue1206
Dad's Cynicism
"I've taken on a lot more of my dad's cynicism than I would like, but mostly I have my mom's wonder and carefreeness."
"But my dad is rich and mom is poor."
"He does not share the wealth he just shares 'you should've done X like this'. But his advice is the level of 'tear down the sign punch them in the face and say you're looking at your new employee'. I've also never heard a single dad joke from him."
– BugTester350
Posthumous Disapproval
"When I was touring houses to buy before the pandemic, my mother's spirit must have possessed me because I opened my mouth and her voice said 'i don't know, i don't think I could live in a house without both a coat closet and a linen closet.'"
– TJtherock
Adulting is hard.
The Financial Hole
"Get into debt I can't pay off."
– lilviviv
Potty-Mouth
"I said I wouldn’t curse unless a nuke was dropped on my house. That was a f'king lie."
– -notjosh-
Can't Wait, Don't Hate
"Have sex before marriage. Thank f'k I never made good on that one since I'm 41 and have never been married."
– squid1891
I'm a pretty fussy eater. Always have been.
I grew up in a Japanese family where regularly eating natto was a thing.
Natto is a Japanese dish made from Bacillus subtilis-fermented soybeans. It's known to have magical health benefits but the smell is overwhelmingly powerful, and the nutty taste leaves little to be desired.
Many people not used to eating exotic foods can't stand the flavor and slimy, sticky texture–let alone the pungent aroma.
I swore as a child that would be the one food I would never eat again after having a bad experience.
And yet, here I am as an adult, eating it for breakfast 2-3 times a week after truly understanding the health benefits.
Natto–which is rich in protein, vitamins, and minerals– helps maintain healthy cholesterol levels, reduces blood pressure, and can prevent heart disease. Some studies have suggested it can prevent certain cancers.
Once I trained myself to get used to flavor and smell, I actually crave it now.
It's definitely an acquired taste, but it's crazy to know that we are all capable of liking or appreciating something previously thought of as repulsive once we set our mind to it.
Finding love is something that nearly everyone hopes for at some point in their life.
For some, love practically finds them. They hardly need any time searching for the true love.
Others might have to work a little harder and be a little more patient. They never give up the hope that their one true love is out there, somewhere.
Then there are those for whom the search simply isn't worth it and have found themselves resigned to the fact that they may never find someone.
Whether or not that's how they want their life to be.
"Have you given up on love, if so why?"
Fear Of Getting Hurt
"To me the price I have to pay if I want to be in a relationship is I have to be vulnerable."
"And at some level I just don’t want to get hurt that bad again."
"I accept this, and have family, friends, work, hobbies, and things to look forward to."
"So while I wouldn’t say I have given up on love, I’m not looking for it and would be very wary of any new situation."- hdhdhdhdzjursx
"Gotta be honest, pretty much have."
"The last person I loved romantically found just about every way to put me down and reject me, all the while pulling me back in repeatedly."
"It was not worth it."
"I'm going solo but still kind of hoping for Miracle."
"I like me."- ATXDefenseAttorney
Don't Have The Energy
"Yes, because I'm tired."
"Tired of going out to find someone to love, tired of getting to know a new person and being comfortable enough to fall in love, tired of learning new things about this new person and whether we are compatible, tired of meeting each other's families and getting to know a whole new bunch of people..."
"Being single may be lonely, but I won't be exhausted."- Avelevanstar
"Not sure if I've given up, but I am getting real tired."
"Having to get to know new people, putting my heart out there without knowing if I'll succeed this time, so tiring."
"I'm learning more about myself in therapy, and I've seen ladies' heads turn when I speak, I've been told I have a nice voice, but chasing a lady is so much work for so little payoff."
"Never had a girlfriend before too, and I'm hitting 40 soon."
"Each new lady is a learning experience but it's also incredibly draining."
"Sometimes I just wanna curl up on my bed and ignore the whole world."- Blim004
It's Given Up On Them
"I haven't given up on love, but I doubt I will ever love again."
"After 53 years and so many attempts that ended in tears, I don't think I will ever have that chance again for a variety of reasons."
"I spend times just trying to come to terms that I will die alone someday."- kalwayne3573
For Their own Self-Care
"Yes."
"For now."
"Need to repair myself so the next guy doesn’t have to do it for me."- Beginning-Match592
Lack Of Reciprocation
"Given up on love as I am the only one loving, the others just need me."
"When they're done, they push me away."- gameygamer15
Traumatized By Past Mistakes
"Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love?"
"So that's why, though I hope time will heal me or sth."- guess_I_feed
"I was in a 10-year abusive relationship."
"Unfortunately I didn’t realize until very late and then I ended it."
"It’s too much of a risk to meet someone again as these type of people are very manipulative and you don’t realize the cruelty they are capable of until you are trauma bonded."
"It’s not easier being single but it’s a lot less heartache."
"I thank my lucky stars every day that I got out."- corickle
"My last four love interests either cheated or 'found a girlfriend'."
"It's left me believing I'm just not a person who can be romantically loved."- Owlmystery
Happy Being Alone
"I’m not capable of giving someone my all and I enjoy my time alone more than anything."
"Two failed marriages later, we chillin."- HDTempo
Life Is Good The Way It Is
"I had a big love."
"It didn't work out."
"Now I live a truly beautiful life alone and I wouldn't trade it for the world."
"I just spent the weekend with my friend, her toddler, new puppy and failing marriage and when I got home I nearly cried with the feeling of gratitude for my peaceful life."- spice-pop
"On romantic love, yes."
"I have so many social aversions and require so much space that I'm neither capable or interested to nurture such a relationship."
"I'm happier and more functional on my own."- USAIsAUcountry
Literally Don't Know What They're Missing
"Never been loved before, can't miss what I haven't experienced."- Allnutsz
Social Anxiety
"I wasn't socialized from the ages 12-22 and have severe social anxiety."
"It's hard to meet people when you're terrified of them."- owe-me
The true romantics should never give up the hope that their soulmate is out there, somewhere.
That being said, being without a partner is nothing to be ashamed of.
As the only person in control of your own happiness, is you and you alone.
Hiring Managers Explain Which Mistakes Make Them Want To Throw Away Someone's Resume
A resume is so much more than just a simple list of your work experience.
Indeed, your resume is the first step in getting your foot in the door to your dream job, highlighting not only your past experience but your skill set, as well as things about you that will make recruiters want to get to know you more.
On the flip side, sometimes there are things on your resume that will automatically send you to the reject pile.
Of course, this is bound to include common, careless mistakes such as spelling and grammar errors or missing vital information, such as a phone number or email.
However, no two hiring managers will have the same set of red flags they look for on a resume. This can make finding a format that will please everyone something of a fool's errand.
"Hiring managers of Reddit: What makes you immediately throw out a résumé?"
Not In It For The Long Run
"I once received an application from a man in his 60s."
"Solid CV, lots of experience."
"In his cover letter he wrote 'I'm applying because the Job Centre asked me to'."
"Please note that I intend to retire in 6 months time'."
"We had a good laugh, then sent him a very polite rejection letter and wished him a great retirement."-BeerPoweredNonsense
Make Sure They Actually Get The Right Document...
"One time I had someone upload how to upload their resume from Dropbox instead of their resume."- rabidwhale
Always Proof Read!
"I'll usually still interview unless there is no relevant experience, but I've seen some atrocious resumes."
"I've seen people use crutch words like 'uh' in writing for a job description."
"I've also seen a sentence 4 lines long with zero punctuation."
"The same resume will have 'attention to detail' as a skill set."
"I've interviewed for one of those resumes, and the applicant said 'I dunno" to about 80% of my questions, and it turned out he didn't even know what job he applied for'."
"It's not that I'm overly picky, but if someone can't spend the 20 minutes or less that it takes to proof read their resume, are they going to put a lot of effort into their job?"
"Maybe, but it's hard to know."- ChristyM4ck
Make Sure It's Legible
"The only time I have ever had to throw out a resume was because someone possibly had it in a bag with their lunch and the paper was soaking wet and dissolving as I tried to unfold it."
"It was just unacceptable to process."
"The application was left in a drop box so I don’t know if it was a prank or an actual applicant."- 416unknown
Unprofessional Email Address
"Back in 98 I asked a new group of hires at GIECO to write their email addresses on a list that was passed around."
"Remember email was kinda new back then.. "
"One young female employee's email address included 'mybaldc**tchie'."- catjugglinpimp
Never Send Someone In Your Place
"It’s been a long time but I used to do hiring for a cinema."
"Staff were often young, for many it was a first job, making popcorn and selling tickets type of gig."
"I would not pursue anything where parents came in with a CV for their teenager or if parents were contacting me on behalf of their teen."
"Big red flag."
"Either their kid didn’t want he job in the first place or they’re incapable of taking initiative and it doesn’t bode well for how they’d be as an employee."- FigJamAndCitrus
"Having your parents submit your resume while you stand silently beside them."- krim2182
It's Pure, Dumb Luck!
"I remember a meme or maybe a tv skit from a while back."
"The hiring manager had a huge pile of resumes on his desk."
"Someone asked how he was going to sift through them all."
"He took 2/3rds of the pile, threw them in the trash, and remarked 'I don't hire unlucky people'."
"Lol."- SpecialSpite7115
All About The Formatting
"This doesn’t matter 100% of the time but bad formatting."
"If it’s hard to read I probably won’t read it."- Far-Gain-3081
Depends On The Job
"If it's a professional position, significant spelling errors will make me pass on a resume."
"If it's a warehouse job or something, I'm less concerned."- staffsargent
Don't Treat It Like A Text Message!
"Former hiring manager here."
"I tossed MULTIPLE resumes that used text message abbreviations throughout the resume and cover letter and one that included emojis."
"While you can do pretty much anything from your phone, it doesn’t mean you should."- spectacularuhoh
Choose Your References Wisely
"Not me, but a friend who checks resumes/CVs had a belter."
"Candidate had a conviction and his reference was his friend 'Baz'."- LexiRae24
Make Sure You Have The Relevant Skills
"I know it’s pretty specific but If your looking for a scheduling job make sure you know how to use Excel and clearly state it on your resume."
"It will probably get thrown out otherwise."- LoyalPlanets
As stated before, no two hiring departments will have exactly the same prerequisites and red flags, so no matter how hard you work, your resume is never going to please everyone.
That being said, multiple misspellings and a cheeky e-mail address are a surefire guarantee of not pleasing anyone.