Teachers are usually nurturing and try their best to help their students succeed. Sometimes that takes the form of joking around with students, and sometimes its just too hard to resist that sick burn when the opportunity presents itself.
Reddit user u/OskarGR8 asked:
"Teachers of Reddit, what is the best roast you ever told a student?"
20.
My dad was an English teacher on the west side of Chicago in the 80s. They were reading Moby Dick and some kid in the back of the classroom yelled "MY d*ck" and my dad responded with, "were talking about long novels not short stories"
19.
While learning about Catherine the Great, one kid in class said "oh she's the one that loooved horses" and the teacher nonchalantly replied, "Yes, she greatly enjoyed the occasional ride."
18.
I was substitute teaching last spring in a high school math class. Pretty easy gig, the students were just doing worksheets while I wrote bathroom passes and monitored behavior. One kid is trying to push my buttons by singing Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes. When he got to the line "I got hoes", I interjected "no you don't". It effectively got him to stop singing. Nothing less cool than being roasted by the sub.
17.
First day of class. Walked in to see a giant cock and balls drawn on the whiteboard. Uh - OK, this isn't entirely unexpected from a bunch of 14/15 year old boys from very religious families.
Start to wipe it off. It's been done in permanent marker. Hearing lots of snickering from a particular corner.
Small voice whispers to me 'if you go over it with drywipe, it'll come off, Miss'. Considered the implications of the Head walking in as I'm painstakingly going over the outline.
Slowly, I turn my head towards the source of the snickering.
Three boys are then instructed to do it for me. 'you need to pay more attention to the base of the shaft', 'Michael, you've missed the tip of the glans'. Once it had been done and the entire thing had been erased, I ended the ten minutes of agony for them by announcing 'Right, just before we start the work you will now be continuing into your lunchbreak, I just want to say one thing. If that artwork is in any way, shape or form a Self Portrait, I strongly suggest that the owner gets himself to a doctor, as Peyronies will interfere with both masturbatory and, if a miracle occurs and they find themselves somebody actually willing to copulate with them, sexual satisfaction'.
16.
I was about to start a lesson when a goofball kid from another class I also teach walked to the still open door. Sounds slightly better in Finnish, but whatever.
"Hey teach! My next lesson is boring. Can I come to this one instead?"
"I'm sorry studentname, but this is a 7. grade lesson. An 8. grader like you would be at an unfair advantage."
"Awww. How come can't still be on the 7. grade?"
"I also wonder this every single day."
15.
I was teaching a contraception lesson to a group of fourteen year old boys. We had just finished practicing putting condoms, and moved into female contraception. The boys rapidly list interest and started getting rowdy, disrespecting the school nurse who was leading the lesson. I got their attention back and announced, "If any of you are ever lucky enough to get a girlfriend, it will be important that you understand how this works. Pay attention!" Quiet fell over the class and they behaved for the rest of the period
14.
One day a kid from my health class brought a fidget spinner to play with. My health teacher took one look and told him, "2017 called and wants their toy back. Put it away."
13.
Not a teacher but my friend was, and still is annoying sometimes and looks for some laughs every now and then. We sit down on a bench during lunch time and we see a teacher walk by. She calls over to the teacher, "HEY SIR, GIMME THAT BIN. WE HAVE SOME TRASH."
He looks back at us and yells,
"WHY, DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU IN IT?"
12.
3rd grade.
Class trouble maker is galloping around the classroom pretending to be a horse. Teacher is continually telling him to go to his seat.
He finally starts to gallop to his chair when the teacher walks up, takes his chair, looks at him and says
"horses don't sit"
Made him stand the entire rest of the class.
I think about that moment a lot. One of my favorite grade school memories.
11.
Teacher here. I mic dropped in class last week and my students are still talking about it.
I teach psych and we are going over intelligence theories. A smart ass student who loves to push buttons asked why men are smarter than women because obviously all these theories are made by men so therefore all men are smarter. He does this all the time and the fact that I'm a woman he loves to try and say I'm not as good as the male teachers.
I looked at him and said "if men are smarter why aren't your grades higher?" The class lost it and he turned red and didn't try push it anymore.
10.
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The other day another teacher came into our class who has a bald head and he just got it waxed or something and my mate says "Fresh polish sir?" and the teacher fires back with "Anything for your mother mate." Class lost it laughing.
9.
Teacher (my mother): Please sit down, the lesson has started.
Student: You can't tell me that, I'm not a dog.
Teacher: I know you're not a dog, because a dog is able to do that simple command.
She is still proud about that one and tells it at family gatherings.
8.
I didn't intend it as a roast, but I got a long serious look and a pause when I told a student, "You're smart enough to be President, but with your manners, you're going to get fired from McDonalds instead."
7.
After announcing the upcoming quiz for the umpteenth time....
Student: Wait! What? You can't spring a test on us with one day notice!
Me: I've been announcing it daily for two weeks.
Student: I never heard it.
Me: It's ok. I only wake you up for the really important announcements.
Class roared.
6.
In 8th grade, we had a mock Constitutional Convention and we were each assigned a real person to portray. The class clown was assigned Benjamin Franklin.
When questioned on her decision, my teacher's response was "I tried to think of who would be perfect for the role and no-one came to mind. Then I thought of who would be the worst possible reincarnation of Ben Franklin... and here we are."
5.
While explaining how reproduction works, one of my students was making gnarly comments so i said "Dont worry, you wont be getting any.."
4.
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I had a kid picking on the religious girl in class, asking her all sorts of tricky theological questions just so he could catch her out or something. When he asked "Does hell exist?" I said "Yes, it does. It's here, in the classroom, with you."
3.
Student sitting with three friends: "1 in 4 people in [town the school is in] have an STD. (Pointing to friends) One... Two.. Three... Four." As he said four he pointed to himself and smiled like an idiot, as if to say he had sex.
Disregarding the nastiness of implying that he had himself an STD, I said: "[student name], you don't need to worry about it. You can't catch anything from your hand."
2.
I was joking around with a student one day, and he was making some insults about my name. In response, I asked him. "Do you know what I like about you?" "What?" he replied. I said "Nothing!" He laughed about that.
The next day, our guidance counselor pulled me aside with a worried expression. "I got a call from [student's] mother. Did you tell [student] you like nothing about him?"
It turned out that the kid told his mother about that because he thought it was funny, but she was like, "How dare a teacher say that to my child!", and she called the school to complain. Fortunately, the administration believed my report of how it had happened.
1.
My high school teacher put the sign up by the clock that said "time will pass but will you?" May not be a roast but my high school teachers were very "dry"
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.