At first it was just the artists who chimed in, but it didn't take long for more people to speak up with their stories, and pretty soon the whole thing was a magical dumpster fire of bad ideas, misspellings, and at least one totally wrong name. Brace. It's about to get awful.

Teenage Boyfriends

I asked this to my buddy's tattoo guy and he told me this:

Two young girls come in with their mom, 16 and 14. They want to get their boyfriends' names tattooed on their back, like tramp stamp area. Big letters. Said each one would be $3-400. Mom approves.

He's tattooing the first girl, 16. Decides he will try to strike a conversation. "So, how long have you been dating your boyfriend?" ... 2 months.

Okay.. finishes first girl, next girl up. Thinks to himself.. should not ask, but gotta know... "So, how long have you been dating your boyfriend?" ... 5 weeks!

He asked the mom if she was sure prior and her words were, "They got good grades and this is what they wanted."

He also mentioned that if he wasn't so in the need of the cash he would have declined, but had bills to pay.

- EasyBakeLoven

Buttception

I remember this one pretty clearly because the guy was such an idiot. Guy had an overly big head and was wearing some sort of generic band t-shirt. He kept ogling the sexy tat samples and giggling - like the Betty Page stuff that nobody really gets. He had a friend with him that was obviously a moron too; friend had this horrible under-bite and blonde Elvis hair. He wanted a tattoo of a butt with a tattoo of a butt on it.. and he wanted it right on his butt.

I didn't want to have to handle the fool's unwashed butt, so I gave him a quote for like double the normal price - but he paid it anyway.

- SirWeeble

Always "Remeber" 

Was dating a girl, and her friend brought home a do it yourself tattoo kit. Yeah. Immediately everyone starts saying what they want tattooed on them while I'm backing up into the corner like some kind of scene from a horror movie. Thus ensued two hours of painfully hilarious, sh!tty tattooing. All kinds of random lines. A bad drawn rectangle. But the one that takes the cake, this guy got "Always Remember" tattooed on his bicep. Except, the amateur artist missed an "M", so instead his tattoo read "Always Remeber"

Three people looked at it and said yeah it looks great, it's awesome.

The instant I looked at it, I died. I laughed, So. F*cking. Hard. I couldn't take it. Assh*le move on my part, but what do you expect when you get a tattoo from a bunch of amateurs?!

- TheStuntman1234

Practice

I used to work with a bloke who liked to practice tattooing himself. It started with the lower legs and after about a month of owning his own tattoo gear, his legs ere covered in shitty line drawings of diamonds, dollar signs, card suits, bank notes, etc.

But then the big day came where he showed up sporting a phrase something like:
"If you had the World in your hands, would you hold onto it, or just let it slip away"

(sort of like the Eminem lyric but not quite the same)

That wouldn't have been so bad - if he hadn't done it on his f*cking neck, using the mirror and filled it with almost as many spelling mistakes as there were words.

- Trinkelfat

Columbine

We had a crazy client come in one time asking for the portraits of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, the kids responsible for the Columbine massacre, on her calves.

We refused, but later she came back in with a boyfriend she had for less than a month and he got a "Property of _______" tattoo right above his junk.

- Oppapi666

"Fail Music Speaks"

My very good friend, just after school, joined a mildly successful band. While pretty oiled up from a gig and 3 days of non stop drinking and drugs meets an old friend who expresses his admiration of the impressively quality koi sleeve my friend had done and said that he is about to become a tattoo artist himself and if my friend would ever like to, he could be his first customer, for free of course.

So, band friend decides to get his calve tattoo'd just before a major music festival, he decides that "When words fail, music speaks" was the quote around an old school microphone.

The session starts off rocky and just gets worse, this guy has never tattoo'd a human before and here is doing a piece bigger than my whole hand spanned out.

Halfway through my friends says thanks, but they must stop now this is going badly, he is bleeding, the lines aren't straight and the guy is clearly out of his depth.

What did the tattoo look like for the festival and about 10 months after until he got cash together to fix it?

It was an outline of a microphone that looked just a child had drawn a penis while having never seen a penis before with the lovely quote of:
"fail music speaks"

Almost 10 years later we still manage to fit that quote into just about every group conversation we have.

- GremlinDotKill

That's Not My Name

I know a guy who was desperately trying to impress a woman and get her to date him. I was there when he turned up and showed her his very first tattoo. Of her name...

Which she laughed at hysterically before she told him that it wasn't her name, it was a nickname because her actual name was unusual and people always got it wrong.

So he's walking around with a random name on him and she's even less likely to ever date an idiot like him.

- BitchLibrarian

The Nether-Swastika 

When someone talks about bad tattoos I always remember what happened to my mom, who works at a hospital. Once, they had to operate on a girl who was about 18 years old. Basically they do these surgeries on veins and arteries. Usually they use catheters inserted into the groin so obviously they see the patients private parts.

Well the girl had a tattoo down there and - I sh*t you not - she had a damn swastika tattooed on her crotch. The doctors were speechless. The girl claimed that she "doesn't know what it means."

I have so many question.

- aaakyn

At Least We Know It Was A Wanted Pic

Her boyfriend's d*ck pic. I hope they're doing ok...

- Maxmcccool

Pot Of Gold

Went to get a burrito and the 19 yo dude had a f*cking rainbow coming out of one ear and it ended at the pot of gold next to his mouth. Guess who's making burritos forever?

- WitnessMeIRL

"I've Not Actually Seen It" 

I did see a dude getting a huge thigh piece of Mad Max Fury Road the week the film came out. It was like an old school movie poster with the characters faces around a car, and looked sick.

Mentioned to the guy that he must really love the film. His response: "I've not actually seen it yet."

The artist looked up, mid ink, horrified when he heard that.

- SGDave

Satan v. Jesus

Not me, but I have a friend who was a longtime owner of a tattoo parlor. I was asking him this very question. He said he once declined a guy who wanted to get a tattoo of Satan bashing in Jesus's skull with a crucifix.

- johnboysmith42069

Dot

My uncle's buddy wanted the "worlds smallest tattoo" to be in the Guinness book of world records. The tattoo artist (also a friend of my uncles) was hesitant and thought it was a joke and an insult, so he took the tattoo gun and gave him a "dot" on his back and told him to get out.

- ToxicCandy

"Got Boost?" 

My girlfriend's little brother has the worst tattoo. He is 15 and went to Serbia with his friend to visit their family. He writes home to his mother asking if he could get a tattoo. Mom says no.

He then comes back with a large tattoo of an engine part with the text "got boost?"

He's pretty happy about it and I don't think he is going to regret it any time soon, but I did have a pretty hard time not laughing at it. He's 15, he doesn't even drive, and I'm pretty sure that's not the correct engine part.

- UndercoverSchizo

She Objects!

A guy came in with his girlfriend, wanting a tattoo of her name. Over her objections.

- EmeraldCoaster

Stank

I was sitting in the room with my friend when a guy walked into the shop and asked to get "my rap name tattooed on my neck." It was his first tattoo and he got a little bit frustrated when the artist refused.

His rap name was Stank.

- apl_soz

Truth Or Dare

A drunk lady asked me to tattoo a penis on her head while her boyfriend kept saying "It's truth or dare bro do it." I requested sobering up first. She said she would kill herself if she didn't get a big black c*ck on her head.

- YellowRavioli