Redditor Eli-Aurelius asked:
"You are the new ruler of Hell, what are your orders?"
Take Attendance
"Well first things first—let’s get a count of who’s here and see what we’re working with."
- Alternative-Shake-16
Psych!
"Install a bunch of fake thermostats marked air conditioning."
"That are not connected to anything."
- wilburstiltskin
GiphyReading Is Fundamental
"Punishments are no longer eternal, but can still last centuries to millennia."
"You get four days deducted for every book you read and write a report on."
"Every book ever written is available..."
"...but printed in 10.5 comic sans and aligned page right."
"Hey, it's still Hell."
- AdvocateSaint
GiphyParty All The Time
"Burning for eternity seems a bit much."
"Let’s just get rid of that and have a good time."
- Timmy_McPitchforks
"When you read Dantes inferno, the first circle seems like the place to be.
"It's all the intellectuals and artists that either lived before Christianity or just typical non-believers that did nothing else wrong in life."
- emsthrowawaytriph
GiphyNuke It
"No more torture, no more burning, etc..."
"The catch is, you can only eat perfectly cooked microwaveable meals for the rest of eternity, with the exception of the center."
"That, my children, is still frozen."
- CilliamBlinton
GiphyEarworms
"Rebecca Black's 'Friday' is to be played 24/7 effective immediately."
- LargeSnorlax
"Worst of all, it's turned off on Fridays."
- Neuromangoman
"Friday's are for 'Baby Shark'."
- kuriboharmy
GiphyA Master Plan
"Firstly, let's liven things up. I mean, red is cool and rage-inducing, but c'mon... No other colours? Bit bland."
"Mix in some copper or potassium into the flames, get some cool colours like emerald green and lilac. That way we got a bit more variety!"
"Next, music. Everyone has different preferences, so we'll sort it per region of hell. One area will have some spicy jazz and/or swing, one will have comedic classical, we've got to have one area that is entirely musical-numbers."
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I know hell is a place for punishment and things (I'll get to that in a moment), but I want to reward some people who have come down here for wrongful yet understandable reasons."
"Also, ruling alone is gonna be difficult as hell, not to mention boring with boring paperwork. Let's get some staff down in this business."
"Hire some top-tier sinners to keep security around the place, get some tax-frauds to finalize any paperwork, and I'll pick a close person to be my second in command."
"Obviously any rulings will go through me, and anyone who tries to deceive me will find themselves begging as I throw them into the deepest pit of hell, but at least some of the boring work is out of my way."
"Now, reputation. I want to seem approachable, but also strong. None of this 'Raaagh I'm evil and scary' bullsh*t. You first come down here? I'm gonna welcome ya, ask ya how you are, what's been happening."
"Find out you were a piece of sh*t? No worries, got just the place for you slime! Find out you were vengeful but reasonable? Understandable mah dude, here let me take you over yonder."
"I'm a business man, here, ruling hell, you gotta make friends and enemies. You try and abuse my friendship? That's when I publicly humiliate and scar you, reveal you to your darkest fears and allow my mates who help run the place laugh in your misery—you know what, not just me mates."
"Let's put it live for everyone to see, record the whole thing. Finally with a classic volt of shock and banishment, I'll feed whatever's left of you to the hell hounds."
"Bones still there? Nice, you can become part of my foot-stool. Keeps the threat alive, but also shows that I can be generous if my generosity is respected."
"Okay, so obviously we need sections. I can't make everyone boil alive nowadays—some people are into that."
"So we talked about those that I could appreciate and keep around in hell for fun, but what about the Karens? The Hitlers? The Putins (more recently)? Well I've got some nice philosophy about reaping what you sow, so let's play an Uno reverse card on them."
"You want to bully staff and give psychological (and sometimes physical) torment to them? Let's see how you feel. Oh? You want to see the manager? I am the manager, and this is perfectly fine in my books."
"Now, some of this might not always work, which is why I'll always keep my fear-pit open, and hey! My foot-stool could always use a little more bones!"
"But what about décor? Well of course we got to have décor!"
"Add some lights to the entrance, put up signs for each place, give the land a bit more spice! Pits and spikes are so 2000, we're in 2022 now! Don't get me wrong, we'll keep some of the pits and spikes, but what about some cultural stuff?"
"Get some axes, some flamethrowers for style, fireworks that go off in your face. Archery made a comeback, I heard, so how about we put flying arrows around the place? In the areas for less-respected people, we'll make it unpredictable as well!"
"Traps are awesome, but so is paranoia! When will it activate? When will you be stabbed up? Don't know, but it can happen any moment!"
"There we go, a revitalised Hell. Now to sit in my throne of muscles and kick my feet back on some smoothened bones. Anyone fancy a tour?"
- KEBABFISH
GiphySo let your imagination run wild.
What would you do as the new leader in Hell?
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We all have fantasies of punishing our enemies from time to time.
Today's burning question came from Redditor BisexualVegan, who asked the online community: "Satan's retiring this fall and would like you to take over as CEO of hell, what's the first thing you do to make hell more miserable?"
Some of these suggestions are downright evil.
