We all have fantasies of punishing our enemies from time to time.
Today's burning question came from Redditor BisexualVegan, who asked the online community: "Satan's retiring this fall and would like you to take over as CEO of hell, what's the first thing you do to make hell more miserable?"
Some of these suggestions are downright evil.
"The gates of hell..."
The gates of hell is now a waiting line. Once you get to the front, you get to go to the back of the line.
"Everyone is violently hung over..."
Everyone is violently hung over, for 2/3 of each day, everyday, but no intoxication. Just the hangover.
"There is an extremely remote chance..."
There is an extraordinarily remote chance to escape hell into oblivion.
Suffering at its core requires the tiniest iota of hope.
Ideally it would be something only one person can achieve over a long interval, leading the sinners to scheme against one another, and clamber over one another in order to attain it.
So we can crowdsource the torture to the torture victims, easing demon workloads.
"If I'm taking over..."
If i'm taking over, why do i need to make it more miserable?
Seems to me like turning the focus around may be more profitable.
After all, if the goal is to get more people into hell, what easier way is there?
"Porn is readily available..."
Porn is readily available in 4K Ultra HD - over a dial up connection.
"Remove the torture..."
Remove the torture - make it absolute boredom.
You sit in an empty room alone. Hunger and stuff isn't a problem and you can't sleep.
Turn it into the DMV.
Give the toilets legs so you have to chase them around.
"Everyone is working..."
Everyone is working at a fast food joint with the laziest possible management, everyday is the busiest day of the week, and they're constantly on the verge of having a mental breakdown and quitting. The only thing getting them through the day is knowing they'll be off at 6pm, but one minute before the clock hits 6pm it restarts back to 5pm.....every single time .Once they start to get used to it, I'd switch them over to a different corporation so they have to learn an entirely new process while dealing with the same crap.
"Then they have to kick stuff."
Toothpicks under the edges of everyone's toenails. Then they have to kick stuff.
"I'd let them visit their loved ones..."Giphy
I'd let them visit their loved ones once every thousand years. A lack of hope is a lack of desire. Desire breeds discomfort of that which isn't desired. An hour of happiness every thousand years is a small price for the suffering it brings in its wake.
"Add an exit door..."
Add an exit door which takes exactly 3 arbitrary hell-tokens to open and give everyone a 2-token bill. If someone especially evil arrives, give them a single token: they'll complain about only having one hell-token for everyone else to hear.
"Whichever religion you believe in..."
Whichever religion you believe in, it's the Hell of the one you don't like the most. When you start to get used to it (you have all Eternity after all) it swaps out to a different religions version of one. Would have the added bonus of making you think your chosen religion was wrong all along too.
"I'd make it..."
I'd make it so that every tortured soul hallucinates a loved one alternately ignoring, laughing at, and blaming them for their pain.
One should never be fooled by a first impression.
Certain people might behave in a way that is less than indicative of what they are actually like, and might prove to be far more impressive, or much less friendly, once you get to know them a little better.
However, sometimes people will behave in a certain way which leaves one unable to avoid making assumptions about people.
Namely, their intelligence.
Redditor sparklingshanaya was curious to hear what behavioral traits the Reddit community took as a sign of possessing a considerable lack of intelligence, leading them to ask:
"What are some behaviors that scream unintelligence?"
An unwillingness to learn
"I feel like the classic example is being unable to change your opinion or idea when you are presented with new information."
"You don’t have to set everything you believe in stone."- Rusty_of_Shackleford
"I think a key thing that separates the intelligent from the less intelligent is curiosity and how far you actually go to learn."- TuxedoWolf07
When even they don't know what they're talking about.
"Maybe not unintelligence but ignorance."
"People getting angry when I ask them to explain what they just meant as I want to understand them and not misunderstand."- smokinstuff·
"Getting angry when someone ask them to explain their point."- SuvenPanWorking Julie Andrews GIFGiphy
It's never attractive to gloat
"Obsessively telling everybody how intelligent you are."- terribleUsername18
It's ok to admit defeat every now and then...
"Playing 'last word' in an argument you've lost."- LennonMcCartney65
"Being defensive when corrected instead of just accepting it."- Marthstewart123
"Claiming they are always right but not being able to argument why or have a serious debate about it."- GReatChinookDrop The Mic GIF by In Real LifeGiphy
Are you sure about that?
"Constantly saying 'facts' that are extremely false."
"Gets on my nerves."- Sharkifish
Read the instructions!!!
"I just started driving for UberXL."
"The amount of people who think they can fit 8 people with all their luggage into a midsize SUV is astonishing."
"You can see which car comes to pick you up and it says fits 5 people."
"If you have a piece of luggage each then it's more like 3 people."
"I had one group sit there and stare me down like they didn't understand."
"I swear some people just have a mental limit for figuring things out and they all find each other and never get anywhere."- predict_irrational
One should always reserve judgment, as one never knows for sure what lurks beneath the surface.
Even if more often and not, you are left with little to nothing which encourages you to see what's there.
One of my favorite horror films ever is Black Christmas (1974). It's the perfect slasher film. It's scary. It's uncompromising. It's sordid. It's eerie. It leaves you with a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. It features some great acting, too! There are some powerhouse talents in it, including Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, and Andrea Martin.
But did you know that the film has been remade? It's been remade twice, as a matter of fact. The first remake, which was released in 2006, was so ridiculous. Not even Martin, who showed up in a glorified cameo in the role of a sorority house mother, could save it.
It was remade again in 2019 — this one bore few similarities to the films that came before it. One wondered why this one even had the same name, but there you have it.
Suffice it to say that the original Black Christmas is untouchable. But it is not the only film out there that should never have been remade. Far from it.
People shared their thoughts with us after Redditor CrescendoX asked the online community,
"What movie is so perfect that if it would remade, it would be a crime against humanity?"
"Misery. I could totally see a remake of Misery that used the way social media creates parasocial relationships so prevalently."
But let's not. I mean, who could ever replace Kathy Bates? She won an Oscar for the role!
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
I've seen the animation they've done for some of these new "live action meets cartoons" things.. The work the art/animation team put into Who Framed Roger Rabbit is STILL to this day putting them to shame."
A good choice. It was a pretty groundbreaking film and it's still influencing filmmakers to this day. That cast!
"It would be impossible to remake that perfect movie. The cast, story, and practical effects are wonderful. A remake would be full of CGI and a BS script."
Don't you dare suggest this! Don't you dare give those horrible Hollywood execs any ideas!
"Spaceballs. I don't want any other version."
But think about the merchandising!
Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money
"Jaws. I read somewhere that Spielberg won't let it be remade."
If someone did someday remake it, I would highly suggest they remove a lot of the unnecessary subplots that are in the book!
Did we really need that affair?
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
"The Silence of the Lambs. Remakes should only be attempted when you are sure that it can outclass the original but Silence of the Lambs cannot be outclassed."
Two Oscar-winning performances. It doesn't get any better than Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster. The film is a masterclass — the Criterion edition is especially beautiful.
Stand by Me (1986)
"Stand by Me. It would be an insult to River Phoenix and many others to remake that."
This film is so highly regarded that a remake just seems foolish. Why even bother attempting one? Go and read the novella instead.
Back to the Future (1985)
"Back to the Future. Please please please PLEASE don't ruin it with a remake."
As long as Robert Zemeckis doesn't kick the bucket we're safe!
Uncle Buck (1989)
"Uncle Buck. Don't you dare touch it."
Without John Candy that would be like trying to remake the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in a Denny's with only ketchup and mustard. Just a tragic, ill-conceived imitation.
My Cousin Vinny (1992)
"My Cousin Vinny. Joe Pesci's performance is perfect."
Hey, don't forget Marisa Tomei! She stole the show. And she won an Oscar for the role!
The list of movies that should not be touched is endless and you no doubt have your opinions.
Which movies should be left the hell alone? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
Sex talk is still considered a taboo subject in many households. And I don't mean going into detail about your bedroom conquests at the dinner table.
Overprotective parents tend to be evasive about discussing the birds and the bees with their kids because they feel it's not up to them to have that conversation.
Remember Carrie White's religious mom who refused to talk about intimacy with her 16-year-old?
We all know how that turned out in the classic Stephen King novel.
Anyway, parents turning down an opportunity to have the uncomfortable convo or having their kids miss out on sex education can lead a child to potentially develop damaging misunderstandings about their body and puberty.
The effects of which were explored when Redditor sparklingshanaya asked:
"What’s a sexual misconception you had for way too long?"
It helps to have an earlier understanding about your body when you're younger.
"As a girl, I had no real idea of where/what the vagina was until I was like 11 or 12. My mom didn't give me a real sex talk, just a puberty/body book that said 'the vagina is between the woman's legs' and just had a full frontal diagram (legs closed) of a woman with an arrow pointing to her pelvic region. I also didn't know a period lasted longer than a day until I got mine at 14, and then wondered why it was still going on the next day."
"When my mom realized how abysmal my sex education was, her solution was to rent a video from the library about it and make me watch it on the big family TV in the living room at like 3pm. Granted— it was a very educational video but I won't ever forget one of the educators (a 50 year old woman) talking about how to give a satisfactory blow job."
"Ok so I grew up in a VERY conservative household. Was not allowed to take sex ed in middle school and they helicoptered in high school. Any internet access they had access to view so I never watched porn/looked at pics. Absolutely nothing. So for a long time I thought penises were shaped like a smaller pringles can. I thought it was just like...a straight up cylinder. Moved out at 17 and googled some things and man I had men's anatomy SO wrong."
Wrong End Of The Stick
"Friend of mine has a similar background and I just about lost my mind when she said the balls are the END of the penis. Like she had seen those doodles and had it upside down so they just dangle off the end of the shaft lmaooo."
Let's get verbal about getting oral.
Satisfy A Woman
"Learn to go down on a woman, like become a master at it. Do this."
Excuse For Supper
"I second this. Been married for 20 years and it's something I'm happy to do."
"Get involved, people."
"Edit: thanks for the medals and upvotes, people! Be assured that I'll be celebrating tonight."
"Friend of a friend thought it meant kissing. And they were like 19. So glad they found out through a conversation and not through a dude asking for it, or her talking about it. That would've been extremely confusing for everyone."
"My friend back in middle school thought a blowjob meant to literally blow on it. I still tease her about it to this day."
"Man, I thought I was gonna get so many blow jobs. That’s just not true."
As young adolescents, these Redditors got these terminologies mixed up.
"When I was around middle school age I thought that oral sex meant talking dirty :’)"
"I used to sext with my girlfriend in high school. When we broke up, she just went crazy and told everyone in our grade that I was great at 'oral sex' (she meant sexting💀) School hasn’t been the same since then."
Learning By Example
"I was kind of sheltered growing up, and like most sheltered kids, I learned a lot about sex through porn. I kept seeing 'blowjob' videos, and (i had no idea what a blowjob) assumed it was some kind of sex blooper. Like, something got messed up and the director said 'Oh darn, you blew it! Let’s take it from the top.'”
I had sex education in sixth grade after my parents gave the school permission for me to attend the special assembly centering on the topic.
But I remember how vague the instructor was. By the time I eventually had my first nocturnal emission, I remember being terrified, yet simultaneously elated. It was very confusing, and I didn't know what happened.
I remember reflecting back to sixth grade and thinking the school must've skipped that part in sex ed.
We all want to help out our friends, and so when they ask a favor of us we are always ready and willing to help.
Well, maybe not always.
For sometimes, the favor in question might not exactly be helping assemble a bookshelf, or help move a sofa, but rather something a bit bizarre.
Possibly affecting our eagerness to help.
Redditor Tinyterex_ was curious to hear the strangest favors requested by friends of the Reddit community, leading them to ask:
"What is the worst/weirdest favor a friend has ever asked you for?"
We all scream for ice cream.
"Go to Doncaster, England, to pick-up an ice-cream van for a friend that he'd bought on eBay while he was in Australia."
"I said yes, and so it began..."
"Firstly he wired me £6000, which I withdrew in cash to pay for it."
"At the time this was the most money I'd ever held so I was a little nervous."
"My girlfriend then drove me down the M1 to Doncaster, and dropped me off at a house with a Pepto Bismol pink ice-cream van in the driveway."
'I knocked on the door and a jolly, gigantic man in dirty overalls opened the door and spent the next two hours with me as I learnt to strip and rebuild the Mr. Whippy ice-cream machine inside the van."
"I was thoroughly unprepared for this."
"I was also unprepared for the machine exploding in my face after loading it with the minimum 4 litres of UHT ice-cream mix."
"With slightly sour milk now liberally coating my clothes, and the light fading, the Friendly Ice-cream Giant talked me through the intricacies of starting and driving a 1973 Bedford ice-cream van."
"The ice-cream machine inside ran off the engine, rather than a generator like most do."
"So there was an elaborate set of linkages that transferred the engine power from the wheels to the machinery when engaged."
"They were also entirely exposed and directly where you would normally put your foot when driving."
"The engine also didn't start on its own, you had to crack open the bonnet and spray a generous amount of combustable gas directly into the air intake before giving the accelerator a bloody good stomp."
"Fortunately, The F.I.G did this for me. He then let me drive it to the local petrol station to fill it up, during which time he also let me discover that the speedo, windscreen wipers and lights didn't really work."
"Oh, and neither did the fuel gauge."
"And, for some reason, the fuel cap was level with the tank, so you couldn't pump fuel into at more than a dribble or it all ran back out."
"This meant you had no real idea how much fuel was in it."
"But plenty to get it home, I was assured."
"After, sort of, filling it up, struggling to start it, and chugging home at an unknown, but very leisurely, pace, I paid him and we filled in some paperwork."
"At which point he let me know it was untaxed and, contrary to my friends belief, not exempt."
"So I'd be breaking the law driving it home."
"Which I now had to do."
"In the dark."
"With no real lights."
"Did I mention it had just started to rain?"
"But off I set, gingerly traversing the on-ramp to the busiest motorway in the UK, foot to the floor, wind whistling through the various holes in the bodywork."
"I had no idea how fast I was going, but from the waves and gestures I got from passing vehicles it definitely wasn't fast enough."
"I also realized I didn't know how good the brakes were."
"Or what condition the tires were in."
"And it was wet, very wet."
"And the off-ramp was downhill, with lights at the bottom."
"Oh goody, now there was smoke coming from the bonnet."
"By some miracle of agricultural engineering and blind faith I made it back to my flat, and parked the dreaded van in a visitors space."
"Where it sat for the next 3 months, as I gradually ate my way through the industrial sized box of Cadbury's flakes that were going out of date."
"Until my building management lost their sense of humor and forced my friend to come and get it or they'd have it towed away. because once he realized he'd bought a lemon, he was in no hurry to have it become his problem."
"But I'd do it all again."
"The joy you can give kids on boring car journey by hitting the ice-cream tune as they go past is brilliant."- Will-this-doIce Cream Truck GIF by Jordan McGrawGiphy
A real friend puts up with all kinds of sh*t.... literally
"Not something a friend asked of me but something a friend offered to help with."
"Had a lingering smell of rotten sewage in the house."
"Was a bit short on money at the time so I called a buddy who can fix anything to see if he could figure it out."
"He identifies the issue right away and crawls under my house to find a previous owner used drano and must have not done a proper flush so it ate away the main sewer pipe."
"At least 6 months of sh*t, piss, and food was built up that was probably 4 inches deep."
"He went to his truck to put on his boilersuit and crawled through my girlfriends and my sh*t for 2 hours replacing the rotted pipe."
"I was down there with him trying to help however I could but he pretty much did the repair solo."
"Every time he encountered a thick chunk of poo he would yell up through the crawl hole that my girlfriend should ease off on the corn."
"Didn't phase him one bit and he wouldn't accept any form of payment even though I insisted I had to repay him somehow."
"Best friend I've ever had, this isn't the only example I could give about how great of a friend he is but definitely the wildest."
"Dan the man, you the real MVP if you ever see this."- COYFC
"I became friends with a female coworker as I was dating a guy who was friends with her boyfriend at the time."
"She had this weird thing about not pooping around him to the point when they eventually did long distance she would visit him for the weekend and hold it in the ENTIRE TIME."
"We planned a trip together and shared a hotel room with all four of us."
"While her and I were getting ready to go out, she pulled me aside and told me she had to poop so bad but didn’t want to be in the bathroom alone because everyone would know she was pooping."
"She asked me to stay in the bathroom with her while she took a sh*t so it would just seem like we were doing our make up."
"I kid you not, it stank so bad that I’m 100% sure the guy smelled it in the room anyways and we both just looked like weirdos who poo together."- titsout666
But who helped him bury it?
"To 'un bury his boat' no other information was given, I said yes and turns out he thought that burying his boat in one of our cornfields would help protect it over the winter because 'it wouldn’t get snowed on cause it underground'."- EatingH_tlersB_otydigging spring fever GIFGiphy
The "big cheese" indeed...
To borrow my truck to 'get the cheese'."
"He drives a Tahoe, I have no clue how much cheese he was getting."- Zpitfire_MK_VI
Keep your property off mine!
"Neighbour asked if they could put a dead rat in our bin because they didn't want to put it in theirs."- HungInSarfLondon
An underground operation gone wrong...
"Back in the old days, had a paranoid friend pay me good money to rent out and dupe porn vhs tapes because he didn't want a record of him renting them out."
"His logic: if he ever became famous he didn't want a record of him renting out porn tapes."
"Postscript: he never became famous."- jacklord392
Bizarre as many of these favors are, one will effortfully lower their raised eyebrow and muster up the courage to do it, on the assumption that this friend would do the same for you.
Then too, sometimes getting a bizarre request might actually indicate just how good a friend some people actually are...