Most people like to think of childhood as the easiest and happiest time in a person's life. Ideally, that's exactly what it should be.
Unfortunately, ideal isn't always real.
One Reddit user asked:
What's a subtle sign that someone had a rough childhood?
So let's talk a little bit about rough childhoods - or more honestly about what it does to a person. It changes them in ways that they, themselves, might not even realize. Even if they don't talk about it, there are signs that things were not or are not healthy at home.
This article is not directly about abuse or neglect - but in talking about the affects they have on people, there were some personal stories shared and uncomfortable truths discussed. Proceed with caution.
A Little Too Responsible
My sister in law adopted 3 siblings who are completely self-sustainable at a very young age. When they were visiting, I noticed a lot.
-If I gave anything to the oldest boy, he would pass it off to the youngest sister. Then I'd give him another and it went to the middle-sister. Then I'd give him another and he'd finally keep it for himself.
-I asked if they wanted water. He said "yes" and I asked if the girls wanted water too. "Oh, we can all share this one." Obviously I gave them all water, but that one hit me pretty hard.
-He knew their eating schedules and would nag my sister in law.
-Offered to make them mac and cheese or noodles or whatever we have laying around. Promised to clean up after. He was 12 years old.
-When "normal" kids play videogames, they're glued. This kid was constantly checking over his shoulder to make sure everyone was safe and if he felt one of his sisters was up to no good, he would put the controller down even if it meant dying or losing his progress in the game.
-To elaborate on "up to no good" what the oldest brother considered bad behavior was pretty innocuous. There were several instances of things I consider normal childish behavior that he would regularly put a stop to. The most outstanding one was being too loud. It wouldn't even be yelling or screaming. Just typical 5 year old make-believe noises that would cause him to run over and tell the little one to keep it down.
Insecurity
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Insecurity.
My Psychology professor used to joke that, "Psychology is the study of common sense." When someone is Insecure, it is generally because they lacked security as a child. Parental love was typically conditional and varied depending on the caretaker's mood. The child becomes insecure due to love not being guaranteed, so to 'earn' this basic need, they will go throughout life trying to 'solve social puzzles' that don't exist. solving imaginary puzzles all the time can prove to be fatiguing, so these individuals tend to isolate themselves.
Milo
I remember going to summer camp as a kid and meeting Milo. Milo was big on attention seeking and validation, and would take food from the cafeteria back to his bunk, like eggs and toast. I remember thinking he was just weird, but I think looking back and knowing what I know now, he was probably being neglected at home. Thin as a rail and probably malnourished, so he wanted as much food as he could get, and just wanted someone to acknowledge him. Pretty sad stuff.
Liar Liar
I went through a compulsive lying phase from about age ten through...I dunno, 22 or so? A lot of innocuous stuff, like I really wanted the snooty horse girls in my fourth grade class to believe I had an uncle with a sprawling horse farm (?!?). It was absolutely attention seeking, and I've been beating myself up about it since day one. Looking back, of course it was attention seeking behavior. I was so lonely.
We talk about compulsive lying as such a pathetic behavior. Most people who recognize it just write you off as a nutcase or toxic or untrustworthy. But at 10? I was a little kid who didn't believe anybody could possibly like me.
My self worth was nonexistent. The fact that the lying continued through adolescence is because
a) the internet became a thing and I could almost effortlessly develop a whole new identity, which is intoxicating to somebody who feels worthless all the time, and
2) I was intelligent and imaginative enough to juggle the lies, so consequences came very slowly.
It's very appealing to treat liars with contempt, but it takes a special person to recognize the behavior's roots in abuse and neglect and find some compassion. I hope anybody who went through a lying phase (or is in one right now) can be kind to themselves. It's not pathetic to want people to like you. It's human.
Sorry
They apologize habitually, compulsively, and for everything. Even for things that have nothing to do with them.
This one hurts. I'm constantly told to 'stop apologizing,' and it gets so frustrating trying to explain that I CAN'T HELP IT. It was a survival mechanism in a home where I had no say, and would get in trouble for EVERYTHING. Even the things they told me to do.
Yep. And everything is their fault. They take you to a restaurant and the food sucks? They apologize profusely for it and feel terrible about it — it somehow has become their direct fault.
- Zerobeat
A Little On Edge
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Everyone is different, but one that automatically raises a red flag for me, and makes me extremely worried is when someone flinches for "no reason". (I wouldn't say It's for no reason, but I don't know what other words to use. So really sorry about that!).
Like, you raise your voice slightly at them and they flinch, you raise your hands to grab something near them and they flinch, you look at them in a certain way and they flinch, you hug them and they flinch, etc., etc.
My dad would hit me when I was younger, but stopped around middle school age. He would get mad at me if I flinched when he went to grab something nearby me like it was my fault for being afraid of him. I think he stopped hitting me after this one time he went too far. He had me pinned up against the wall while kind of choking me? Idk the memory is pretty foggy now, but I remember my mom going completely off on him after that incident.
Defensive
From personal experience, they always have a defense about what they're doing and why they're doing it lined up.
I was verbally abused and mocked a lot as a child/teen, it hurt me a lot because it didn't matter if I did something right or wrong I'd get yelled at for it, so I learned to have an excuse prepared just in case I have to answer for what I'm doing. Even in my adult life I feel like I'm always thinking to myself ways to justify what I'm up to, even if it's something as benign as why I put a dish away where I did.
No one ever asks about the mundane stuff I do, but I always feel like I have to be ready to defend myself. It really sucks. I shouldn't have to justify my existence.
Lesson Number One
The first lesson we learn in childhood is: How much am I worth?
Our caregivers are the first to reflect this worth to us - from when we are infants and toddlers (if we cry, will someone come to us? if we fall down, will someone pick us up?) to when we are kids and teenagers (do our caretakers choose to spend time with us? do we get help with schoolwork/friend drama?). There is an important balance here. As kids, we want to be taught that we are equally important as everyone else.
Some kids are taught they are less important, and as adults, they may have a hard time asking for help. They think they are "bothering" someone when they have a problem. They may also prioritize the needs of others based on an underlying belief that other people are more important. Some kids are taught that they're more important than others, and therefore treat others poorly and have trouble learning empathy. They try to justify, in their own minds, why they are "better", which can lead to some narcissistic-type thinking/behavior.
A Handy List
From the horse's mouth:
- People-pleasing behaviours (class clown; always agrees)
- Overcompensating with laughter during conversation, in an attempt to appease others
- Self-isolating; stops contacting friends for seemingly no reason (due to feelings of inferiority/worthlessness)
- No motivation to make anything of themselves (believing they would only fail anyway)
- Allows themselves to be bullied; usually hangs out with/dates abusive people
- Conspiracy theorist (can't live without a sense of impending doom; will unconsciously find one)
- Extremely nervous when doing new things in front of others
- "So mature for their age" = didn't get to be a kid/teen
- Total inability to accept compliments
- No - or very few distant - friends as an adult
- Barely any memory of childhood
- No happy stories of childhood
- Extremely-negative self-talk
4 F's
Boundary issues are common, but reactions still are an individual thing. What helps to keep in mind is the 4F model of trauma responses:
Fight
Flight - running away
Fawn - to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner, so basically the stuff pathological people pleasers are made of.
Freeze
When you notice somebody's reactions are easily categorized as one of those and it is a very persistent pattern, adverse childhood circumstances of some sort are a pretty safe bet.
Food Hoarding And Other Signs
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Food hording is a sign of food insecurities.
Both of my parents were addicts and I spent time in a foster home that had 10+ kids at all times. We were served what we were served, so if we didn't like it we went hungry. I would sneak food that I liked to my room and hide it from the other kids.
I also eat very fast. So much so that people comment on it all the time. My wife will pat me on the shoulder if it's super noticeable and whisper,
"No one is going to take it..."
I was also a bed wetter, which connects to my sexual abuse. but I think that goes past the question at hand.
I used to think my mistrust of police was because of my childhood, but I've since learned that everyone knows all cops are bastards, so that isn't just me. Even as a kid I would run at the first sign of law enforcement, even when I hadn't done anything. I was taught from a young age that the police weren't there to help, they were there to take me or someone I cared about away. Sometimes for good.
Less Important Needs
They think their needs are less important than other people's convenience. My husband was like this when we met. I think it's pretty normal (although not good) for men to be socialized to downplay their emotional needs, but my husband would downplay his needs for, like, food and medicine. He never said he was hungry, he would wait until I said I was hungry and then say "oh my god, me too."
One time he needed allergy medication because he'd been around a cat, he was obviously miserable, and I had to convince him that, yes, we would be stopping at the drug store on the way home, are you kidding me, you are not fine, shut up, your eyes are so swollen you can barely see.
My husband was one of those kids who was neglected in an affluent household. He always had clothes and food, but no one in his house ever had time for him. He has a hard time admitting he was mistreated because of this, but he's definitely got some psychological scars. His parents absolutely would have looked at his allergy-swollen face and told him to just deal with it, he's fine and anyway they're too busy to stop at store.
Expecting Escalation
My partner grew up with a cold unloving mother and an abusive father who would beat him regularly. I've noticed a few things with him. He is very hard on himself and others- things need to be done perfectly and to a high standard every time or he becomes super anxious or pretty much has a breakdown.
When we first got together he would freak out at every minor argument or disagreement we had, as if it was going to escalate into something big or i would end up leaving him (he had abandonment issues) its taken him a few years to realize that normal people can argue, it doesn't always have to result in a big catastrophe/drama. He has always been highly independent and doesn't rely on or trust anyone else.
That's Not Normal
When you talk about something that's considered abuse and they say something to imply they didn't know it was a bad thing.
For example, I had a friend who thought locking kids in what was basically solitary confinement was a normal thing schools did. It is not.
Immaturity
I noticed this to my friends who grew up without having a father. They are usually immature and childlike and sometimes very sensitive.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.