It's moments like these when you remember why you got into teaching in the first place. Free comedy show!
1/29. Girl got so drunk that she locked herself in the bathroom.
We found her and obviously had to call her parents to come take her home. We kept telling her, "Listen, it's your dean and you have to unlock the door."
She kept responding in the horrible drunk teenager voice, "No YOU listen....I'm YOUR dean." It was very difficult for us to not break down in laughter.
2/29. Can I tell you what I did instead of kicking a kid out? I was covering another teacher's class in a computer lab and we have a program called Net Support that basically allows you to spy on all the kids' computers. It also serves some legit instructional purposes like allowing you to take control of a kid's computer so you can demonstrate things. Only this teacher never used it so I don't think the kids knew it existed. I don't normally use it because I don't like the Big Brother vibe it gives off BUT there was a kid being a total obnoxious jerk. He was looking up stupid and distracting videos and laughing loudly about them and making obnoxious comments to show off in front of his friends. I could have blocked YouTube but instead I took control of his computer.
I started typing in "kitten videos" into YouTube. "My Little Ponies" anything I could think of that wouldn't be cool to him or his friends. Then every time he started to freak out and insist he wasn't doing it to his friends, I gave him control back. And then took it away again. Then finally I made a little pop up come up on his screen that said, "I'm watching you." I expected him to figure out what was going on but I think he got freaked out instead. It never seemed to occur to him that it was me. So I gave him control back and he did his work quietly for the rest of the class.
3/29. There was a student with Autism who lived in a very literal world, we'll call him, T. You had to be precise with your words as T could not comprehend slang or figurative language. He had an issue with another student at recess the day prior. It was something minor about a basketball. Basically, T had a basketball and placed it under the goal and walked away, another student grabbed it, T became angry and ultimately gave the ball to the other student rather begrudgingly. Apparently, T told his uncle and the uncle's response was, "I'd have made that kid eat a shit sandwich!" Well, T made a quick stop by the litter box before coming to school. He also wrote a note to the other kid saying, "I get the ball today, you can have this shit sandwich." It wasn't a gesture he viewed as inappropriate, he actually thought the shit sandwich was a viable option for the other student. I had to send him to the office, but my god did I laugh. Even his mom laughed before aplogizing. The principal still has the note in the office 2 years later.
4/29. Kid dropped a folder full of xeroxed copies of his hairy ass. Turns out he had been taping them to people's lockers all over school.
5/29. Kid in boarding tried to cook a whole raw chicken with like 5 minutes in the microwave. A whole chicken.
6/29. I used to work in a super strict school for kids who got kicked out of their regular schools. We had an assembly twice a day, morning and afternoon, that was extremely serious. Kids had to sit up straight with their hands in their laps, girls on one side and boys on the other. Totally silent. That kind of thing. Occasionally when we were having behavior problems with entire groups we'd make them sit in assembly for the remainder of that period or however long until they could get it together.
There was a class (middle schoolers, naturally) who could NOT. STOP. FARTING. They'd intentionally fart as loud as they could just to be gross and disruptive, and it even evolved into them getting up out of their seats and farting on each other. This is hilarious to me now, but it got REALLY old (and really smelly). Anyway, one day, it was happening so much throughout each class that we took them to assembly. I'm standing in the front with the other teachers, and our principal was talking to them. Except he was PISSED. So he's pacing back and forth, reaming these kids out, punching his fist into his hand, spit flying out of his mouth. His face is bright red. He's saying all this stuff about respect, and then he adds in "oh, and if you have to FART...." and he yelled the word "fart" with such venom and disdain that I just LOST it right there in front of everyone. I could not stop laughing. I tried to play it off like a coughing fit or something but I couldn't. I had to leave the room.
7/29. "Mrs. B, I have a question. I think it might be a dumb question."
"Sweetie, there's no such thing as a dumb question."
"My brothers told me this though. So there might be."
"....fair. What is it?"
"Okay, so you know Michael Jackson right? He was like kinda old, so I think you'd know about him."
"Yeah, hon, he was even a thing when my mom was a kid."
"Wow. But yeah. So you've seen Thriller right, when they play it around Halloween?"
"Yeah, I love that video."
"Okay, well my brothers told me that Michael Jackson was really a werewolf and a zombie, and I just wanted to ask: was he really a werewolf? Or a zombie?"
"...no dear."
"I knew it. I knew Michael Jackson wasn't a zombie. He still dead, and they're full of sh-t."
Several students head and gasped, otherwise I never even think I would have sent him to the office. I was about to die laughing. And he wasn't wrong either! I knew his brothers, and they were both consistently "full of sh-t."
Note: I feel the need to explain. He was sent to the office for cursing in front of other students. I did not make school policy regarding cursing.
8/29. Not a teacher, but... We had an older lady as a Science substitute in 8th grade. It was a hot June day and the windows were open, we were on the second floor. My friend told the sub when she walked in the classroom that "Jimmy" had fallen out the window. When the sub looked out the window she saw "Jimmy" laying on the ground, contorted and she passed out. We never got a chance to explain to her that is was joke. He had just laid down on the sidewalk under the window. The two boys got suspended and that sub never came back.
9/29. My dad worked as a teacher and on the first day, he wrote his name on the board as new teachers do, and when he turned back toward the class, a kid had lit his desk on fire with hair spray and was just laughing. 3 foot high flame no more than a foot away from him.
10/29. I'm a male fifth grade teacher. One of my boys yelled out right before the 3:15 bell rang, "Everybody be quiet! I have an erection!" I was like, "Did he just say that?" Luckily no one noticed me turn and bust out laughing. The bell rang to go home and I call him over, not sure if I should send him to the office or not. I decided to ask him if he knew what an erection was. Very innocently, he said "No." Then I thought, "Oh great!" So I said, "Do you know what a boner is?" Of course, he says, "No." I could tell by his face that he wasn't lying. So I said, "Well it's when your private parts get hard." Right when I said that he got this very scared look on his face and said, "I promise, I didn't know that!" Like I said, I could tell he wasn't lying. I had a very hard time keeping a straight face. He said his friend had yelled that out once so he thought he would. I told him he can't say those kind of things and he has to be careful with what he says. He walked away very embarrassed. I laughed and laughed when he left the room.
11/29. I'm a student, but this definitely should have gotten me sent to the office. went to a small Catholic high school in the Seattle area. We had monthly mass in our gym, and every year around Easter we did the "stations of the cross." Mass was always brutal, but the stations lasted two and a half hours or so. Unreal. A little background, I couldn't burp until I was in my early 20's. I have no clue why, but any built up gas had only one exit. Growing up, I farted to the point that people thought I had a medical condition. People even called me "fart boy."
Anyway, it was my senior year and we were headed to the dreaded stations of the cross mass. My friends and I had farted in class a number of times, but never during mass...we always talked about doing it, but never mustered the courage. I had decided about a week before that this would be the day. The mass was set up where the choir would sing before each station (I think there were 11 or something), and then the priest would ramble on about its significance. Each time the choir stopped, there would be about 10 seconds of complete silence. We're on the 5th station, and the choir is finishing "Were you there, when jesus something something...BRAAAAAAP" I unleashed a behemoth right as everything went silent.
I was sitting on gym bleachers, which amplified the blast perfectly. I remember the guy if front of me was holding a yellow plastic screwdriver...he dropped it. In shock or from the blast wave, we'll never know. My buddy and I proceeded to muffle our laughter for at least an hour until mass ended. I've never tried to not laugh for that long before or since...each time one of us would start to settle down, the other would release a cackle that started the whole process over again. We didn't even get in trouble! I'm not sure if the teachers thought it was an accident or never wanted to speak of it again. I am laughing right now...one of my favorite memories.
12/29. I wasn't the teacher, I was the one working in the office. I am a teacher, but I was covering that day.
I had another teacher bring in this young boy. Probably grade 1. She tells me "He is to sit here and not say or do anything." And I was just like "okay". But as she walked out the door, she said "Oh, be sure he keeps his clothes on". And I was just like "okay.... wait what?".
Sure enough, when I look away, I hear a tiny voice say "Pee pee! Pee pee!". And I see the boy with pants around his ankles and his shirt covering his face waving shaking his hips around.
I'm a high school teacher now.
13/29. I had a kid show up to band with a massive dildo instead of his clarinet, and he honestly thought I wouldn't notice.
14/29. Not entirely "principal's office," because they were kindergartners... But two boys turned off the lights in the bathroom, had their pants around their ankles, chasing each other around in the dark and peeing on each other. That was a weird one to explain to the parents...
15/29. I was teaching cinematography and we were talking about different shots, like close-up and long shots, etc. I asked the students to call all the different shots out, and one student screamed, "CUMSHOT!"
Anonymous
16/29. I was doing an "about Miss MadiDontLeave" slideshow at the beginning of the school year and it had a slide with me at a Cardinals game. I explained how I'm a huge Cardinals fan and go to games every chance I get. Kid raises his hand and asks "do you like getting really drunk at Cardinals games?" I mean obviously I do. But God damn it kid. You're in 8th grade. Don't ask me that.
I had a student, as we were playing team Jeopardy, discretely write a sign to flash to other teams that were up that said "you ninny poos are going down because you friggin suck at science. Love, team 7" it took me a while to catch him. It was one of those "fuck that's hysterical but you can't say that to people in school" situations.
Same kid asked if I like to smoke weed. Not as funny. But still funny that he thought it was appropriate to ask.
The joys of being a 23 year old teacher are endless. They think of you as a peer sometimes, and ask the most inappropriate questions.
Edit: remembered one more that I cried laughing about. I was working with groups. Same kid who asked if I smoke weed was upset because I wasn't getting to his table fast enough. He started shouting my first name. I shoot him a look and say "I don't respond to kids calling me by my first name." Kid says "oh I'm sorry. Miss (insert first name). I call him in the hallway and ask him why he did it. He says "I thought it would be funny." I point out that no one but him was laughing (even though I was on the inside) and he responded by saying "yeah no one was laughing because you sucked the funny right out of it". It was so funny. I'm going to miss this kid. Never a dull moment.
17/29. I didn't send him to the office but one of my fav moments was one time I was working with a small group while other students worked on independent stuff around the room. One student was working pretty close to me and obviously made a mistake because he exclaims "shit!" So I said "excuse me, Ty? What was that?" and he says "oh, I didn't say what you think I said Ms. Someday42." And I said "oh good. What DID you say?" And he says "I said shiiiiiii.......(obviously thinking hard)..... t." And then just stared at me horrified. I was trying so hard not to laugh but I just told him "That's what I thought you said, please don't use that language in my classroom."
18/29. I had a sixth grader (let me set the scene- this kid is the human incarnation of Ralph Wiggum) who wanted to get out of class so desperately that first he raised his hand and said his ears were ringing and he needed to go to the nurse. Sorry kid, not falling for it. 20 seconds later he raised his hand and said his tongue was burning and needed to go to the nurse. Not falling for it, Ralph. 10 seconds later he had blurry vision. (He was squishing his eyes with his hands). No dice, kid. And then, in the grand finale he stands with a flourish and yells so loud that teachers all down the hall stuck their heads out into the hallway- " MY PENIS IS BLEEDING!!!!!" We all stood mouths agape until the one smartass in the class adds, "...and you want the nurse to look at it???"
19/29. Not a teacher but the last time I was sent to the principals office was over a live chicken in high school. The high school I went to used the 8 block schedule system. My last period teacher was afraid to the point of hilarity of birds. We had chickens at home and since they were 4-H chickens they were quite docile. I put one in a duffle bag one morning and then put it in the top shelf of my locker. They will just sleep if its dark so once last period came I just put it in the bag (she was used to all of us bringing bags in since it was last period and when she got up to put the attendance slip on the door i just took it out of the bag and put it in the middle of the room..hilarity ensued and I spent the next day playing pokemon in suspension in the cafeteria.
20/29. First year of highschool, got sent to the principal's office by my near retirement teacher for breaking dress code with my t-shirt that had drug references/paraphernalia on it. Funny part is when the principal had to explain to my teacher that 'Billabong' is a legitimate clothing company name and nothing more.
21/29. As a student, I once witnessed a classmate get written up for using "Telekinesis" on another student.
22/29. Not a teacher, but my mother is.
Kid in her class asked if she had any kids. At the time I was my mothers only child. She mentioned me, and the kid goes "what school does he go to?", and of course my mom answers without hesitation. Kid goes "good, i'mma blow it up". Expelled
23/29. I use to work in a tough high school in south-central LA. One of the most challenging boys in school was in my integrated math class and one day he's been using profanity so I've gone through the whole discipline stages and have a referral written for him on my desk, but I'm giving him chances because... its south-central. Well eventually he cusses again. I go. "RonSean, again, we cannot be using that language in class." Under his breath he goes "Fuck that shit mother fucker." I whip around. "What did you just say!?!" The whole class turns and looks at him and it catches him off guard and then in Dave Chappell's Rick James voice he screams "i said... FUCK THAT SHIT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!" Whole class is laughing, I'm in tears, he gets up grabs the referral and walks to the office.
24/29. I made the mistake of leaving a ninth grader in my classroom when he missed the bus home. I had to go to meeting and it was pouring rain, so I let him stay. I told him not to use the computers.
The meeting was in the computer lab. We were learning how to see all of the students' computers on our own screens. The tech guy had us all pull up our first period classes on our monitors to test it out. No students should have been logged on to a computer at the time. All the screens should have been blank. I saw that a very conservative Jehovah's Witness teacher in the row ahead of me had one screen lit up on her multi-screen view. I watched as she clicked on the screen to see it larger. She gasped. She made a small whining sound. It was anime style tentacle porn. It was the screen of the student I had left alone in my classroom. The teacher quickly turned around, calling my name very loudly, and asked if (insert student name here) was in my classroom. I told her he was.
I got up and went to the phone at the back of the room. I called my classroom number. The student answered. I said, "You're doing something you shouldn't be doing right now, aren't you?"
He said, "Uhhhh... yes."
I said, " I suggest you turn it off right now." I heard footsteps running across the floor and a slam. He returned to the phone.
"I'm so sorry... I....I... I'm sorry.. I just...I...."
"We'll talk about this later." I said. I hung up. What an unlucky kid. He chose to watch tentacle porn on the wrong day at the wrong time.
25/29. One of the brightest, honest female students I've ever had to THE most annoying kid I've ever had: "Would you shut the fuck up?!"
Took everything in me not to laugh or say "I know, right?"
26/29. Not the principal's office... but...We had a friend (let's call him Steve) get written up for "In School Suspension."
Steve! Why'd you get written up? ::says nothing, hands me the slip::
-Reason for 2nd write up... "Ate first detention slip."
He vomited a lot later...
27/29. I had this obnoxious, smarmy, show-offy 5th grader. One day he was up to his usual smartassery, and a girl silently got up, opened the classroom pencil sharpener, and dumped the shavings all over the kid. I had to send her to the office, but it was a truly satisfying moment for the whole class.
28/29. This happened today. By the end of class I had enough of two of my tenth graders being disruptive so I asked them to go outside the last fifteen minutes of class so I could actually wrap up the lesson without interruption. I was gonna leave it at that, until one of them grabbed his skateboard and hopped on and road it across the carpeted classroom and out the open door. He got suspended.
29/29. I teach various high school subjects. My bathroom policy is simple: go when you need to. For most students, it's no problem at all.
I had a student who constantly went to the bathroom for twenty minutes at a time to avoid doing work. He had no medical issues that would have caused this, but the 3DS in his pocket explained a lot. Naturally, I put a stop to this and gave him three bathroom passes that he needed to cash in if he wanted go.
So he asks to go to the bathroom five minutes after lunch, (Ugh I hate that so much. Pee on you own time!) and I let him go. He comes back twenty five minutes later, and only after I sent my student service to the bathroom to tell him to shit or get off the pot (in politer words). He's only in class for about ten minutes before shocker! Guess who has to pee? I said no.
Kid goes back to his seat and chugs a water bottle, the whole thing. He leans over to his friend, they giggle a bit, and his friend passes him another water bottle which he empties straight down his gullet. While drinking, this little shit had successfully avoided doing his classwork, so I walk over to get him on task. This is when it gets good.
The kid makes direct eye contact with me and pisses his pants. Alpha, yes, only he is the omega and got to sit in the vice principal's office in his pee pants. The awesome custodial staff (who should never ever have to deal with this) moved the desk outside and laid some paper towels on it. Mr. Pee Pants spent an hour after school apologizing to the custodial staff and sanitizing his mess.
Intruder
"I was 14, alone at my grandmas house around midnight."
"She was across the street at the bar she owned."
"I was playing games on her computer, about 15 feet from one of the windows facing the backyard."
"All of a sudden the glass from that window shatters, and I ran to one of the bedrooms."
"I can hear my name being called."
"Eventually I see my grandma's ex-boyfriend enter the living room where the computer is."
"He keeps saying my name."
"I’m scared sh*tless, but I walk out and confront him."
"He says my grandma stole his ID and that’s what he came for, as he’s taking money from my grandmas purse."
"He looks f*cked up on something."
"I forget how he leaves but when he does I call the bar and people come over looking for him."
"They didn’t find him."
"About a year later he did it again, and I was once again alone there."
"Except this time instead of breaking a window he decides to try to kick the side door in."
"I’m just there chilling when out of nowhere I hear the loudest bangs coming from the side of the house and I instantly knew what was happening."
"I immediately called the bar and they sent a bunch of people over before he could make it in."
"He apparently tried to jump from one of her sheds into the alley next to her house and broke his leg."
"He went to prison."- nfreshn
They're coming right for us!
"Two bison charging right toward me down a narrow wooded path in Yellowstone when I was 12."- pcc2
Open Range Running GIF by Reconnecting RootsGiphyUncomfortable in new surroundings.
"My sister has mental health issues."
"We were in a foreign country, driving across mountains on a one lane dirt road with no guardrails."
"She had a complete mental breakdown and threatened many times to drive off the edge."
"To this day, my mom swears my sister wouldn't have done it."
"All I say is, 'you weren't in the car'."
"'You have no idea'."- BlorengeJulius
Lost in the woods.
"Getting lost on 350 acres of woods in southeast Georgia."
"Was found about 6 hours later."
The dog found me hours before the people did.- No_Regrats_42
Scared Woods GIF by Brat TVGiphyA near death experience.
"Was working as a linemen tasked to replace a 16m wooden power pole which requires climbing up to untie the lines from the isolators."
"I checked if the pole had any rot beforehand, climbed up, untied the lines, climbed down, as I was packing my tools up , the pole fell from its own."- LimaRadek
He wasn't who he claimed to be.
"A man claiming to be a meter reader was in our yard and tried the back door AFTER trying the front."
"It was unlocked because there was a field behind us and our gate had a lock, that he somehow got by."
"The meter reader man was nearly eaten by our Great Dane who was dumb and peaceful, except for when she laid eyes on him."
"Our other dog also wanted to kill him and he was up on our trampoline begging us to call the dogs off, which we, my then 11 year old sister and I, refused to do and went to get our dad, who worked from home."
"The guy escaped while we got our dad and my dad let the police know what happened."
"The real meter reader man came the next week."- Applesintheorchard
Dog Bouncing GIF by AFV PetsGiphyHad no idea what they were witnessing.
"I guess watching a loved one have a seizure when I didn’t understand what it was."
"Legit thought I witnessed a death."
"Scary stuff."- Peppapigisgodly
Always look both ways.
"I got hit by a car while in a crosswalk a few months back."
"Had a split second where I saw him coming and realized what was about to happen."
"I thought I was going to die."- jolalolalulu
Big Sister to the Rescue.
"Saved my sisters life."
"We were boating and my parents just kinda assumed we’d be ok with them only out a couple hundred feet."
"I was about 17 and she was about 7."
"I’m laying there chilling and see her slip and fall into the water and just straight up sink."
"Ran over, dove in and pulled her to shore."
"She spit up a bunch of water and was fine but that experience rocked me to my core."
"Not a super crazy story but almost seeing a sibling die has always stuck with me."
"I’ve broken almost every bone in my body, I died one time and was in a coma for a little bit but for some reason this one stuck with me."- Present-Trip5231
Often, an experience that left us scared does make for a good story down the line.
Though whether it was a good enough story to make having gone through the experience worth it, is debatable.
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Waiting tables was always the bane of my existence. Customers are rude. Staff is rude. It never ends.
Filthy Hours
Fail Just For Laughs GIFGiphy"Trash men. They’re looked down on as dirty and uneducated, but they do a hard job that is absolutely critical to our public health."
kirkl3s
You're Out!
"Youth sports officials. I umpire baseball as a hobby and the way parents act is deplorable."
kennsing75
"The parents on the other hand deserve loads of hate sometimes. I was a coach for soccer and volleyball while I was in the Air Force. You would have loved to be a sports official for our leagues at our base. If a parent got sh**ty they are immediately ejected, no questions, and reported to whoever is their higher authority. It almost never happened."
DaniTheLovebug
Behind the Counter
"Any customer (client/patient) facing job. They get the abuse that stems from managements decisions, mistakes and incompetence."
HighlyOffensive10
"I did customer service for automotive companies at a call center for years. People get so unhinged, between dealerships, management, people calling into the wrong department, angry customers who were itching for a fight over a rental car. The job paid for five free therapy sessions a year, but honestly, it would take every ounce of restraint not to break some days."
"You aren't allowed to defend yourself or hang up, you can't transfer them to supervisors for a call, you technically work for a third party company that exists to keep the customer from ever actually speaking to the corporation. It was the worst job I've ever had, and that's coming from someone who used to work at a seafood processing plant."
Bromelia_and_Bismuth
I'm Hungry
"Food service. The workers have to eat too, you know."
stinky_cheese33
"Working fast food sucked. Not because the job was hard. But because people were *icks. For like, no reason. Working in an actual kitchen also sucked. Not because the work was hard, but because you never did it quick enough and your boss was a *ick for like no reason. But at least you didn't deal with customers."
thedankbank1021
Too much stress...
Jim Carrey Omg GIFGiphy"Defense attorneys. People hate them because they defend violent criminals. However, as one lawyer put it, their job is not just to defend these people; their job is also to make sure that the cops did their job correctly."
TomoyoHoshijiro
I've always wondered about defense attorneys. How do they reconcile their morals?
They're Smart Too
will birth control GIFGiphy"I live in Germany and currently in my (hopefully) last semester of university to become a pharmacist (4 years of university, one practical year and three exams of state required). A lot of people here think pharmacists are only cashiers and don’t know we get a scientific education. And God help me if I question a doctor's decision."
this_is_lune
Hard Hours
"I usually just lurk as a guest, but I made a Reddit account just for this. Cooks for public schools. They are constantly overworked, underpaid, and disrespected. Most schools have only a few ovens and microwaves, so school chefs have to either jam unsafe amounts of frozen food into ovens and microwaves, which is a giant fire hazard, or work non-stop from early morning."
Clingitty
Green Thumbed
"Plant breeders and plant geneticists. Imagine you're a plant nerd and you spend your life studying genetics so you can figure out how to improve food crops. Like, to make them yield more, taste better, be healthier, survive drought, etc. But on the internet, you're apparently trying to poison the world and control the food supply."
kjhvm
Heartless
"Veterinarians. My doctors CONSTANTLY get yelled at or called heartless when, for instance, we refer them to a hospital more suited to care for the animal than us. Like bro we didn't just tell you know we are giving you options and trying to ensure you seek the proper care. Don't call me a heartless b**tard for that crap."
Zfullz
No Fun Involved
Angry Neil Flynn GIFGiphy"Janitors. Trash-related work. Sewage workers. Plumbing."'
SubiWhale
I feel for everyone in these jobs. They deserve better.
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In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
GIF by VIASWEATGiphy"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
rachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
Happy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
Black Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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