Folks listen... yes those are your pants and the police totally know it. Stop it. Nobody believes you.
Reddit user RoundTriagonalSquare asked:
and I gotta be honest here people, I'm kind of disappointed in us collectively speaking. The sheer number of people out here in the universe wearing other people's pants is just staggering. At least that's what some of us would have police officers believe.
I'm not advocating lying to law enforcement ... all I'm saying is that if you're going to do it, at least make sure it's a new one, ya know? Not like these people.
The Pants Dance
"These aren't my pants"
Blew me away the first time I heard it. Laughed my butt of for the next few times after that. Then it became routine, maybe once every couple of weeks someone would try it.
Typically when they were being arrested, we'd have to search them for inventory and find: pipes, baggies, knives, etc. Which - according to the suspect- just happened to be in the pants when they put them on, and didn't notice they were in the pocket until we found them.
Dehydration
As we were treating the patient, the officer tried to get the story. Apparently, when the guy came home there was a man inside their house. His girlfriend, who was home, "did not know who the man was." (yup, she was cheating.)
The boyfriend "politely asked the gentlemen to leave," which he obliged. But the boyfriend thought he saw the random man in their house grab something and drive away. (Boyfriend and side dude fought. Side dude left.)
Out of frustration, he became so "dehydrated" that he wanted to go to the store immediately and get water. Which is when he promptly rammed into the car of said "random man." (Boyfriend got angry, chased him down, rammed his car.)
He then proceeded to get whooped by said "random man." (Oops. That didn't work out the way he had planned.)
Moral of the story is don't make decisions when you're "dehydrated."
Murdered Over Noodles
Giphy
Police officer of 24 years here. This is not an unbelievable lie, but rather a believable lie followed by an unbelievable truth.
When I worked homicide we responded to a dead body fallen from a high rise apartment call. The deceased is an elderly, Asian male. When we went upstairs and met with the wife, an elderly Asian woman, she told us he jumped and committed suicide in front of her.
She was hysterical and distraught. After talking to her for awhile, she revealed that he hadn't actually meant to commit suicide.
He pissed her off when he demanded dinner. He asked her for noodles and then went and took a nap. When water was boiling, she poured the boiling hot water on his face and body.
He woke from the nap disoriented, in shock and in horrible pain - and jumped out the window. Dead. 11 stories. Yes, he had scathing burn marks on his face when we inspected his body. She was arrested for murder.
Pants Again
Found a baggy of coke on a guy arrested in the courthouse, on his court date, after sentencing. He knew he had that court date and brought the coke anyway. His response when I pulled it out of his pocket?
"These aren't my pants, I borrowed them from my friend two years ago."
Donations
Got a call about a robbery. An elderly guy had been punched and someone stole his phone. The victim had a bloody mouth and gave a very good description of the suspect. I found the guy at a nearby bus stop and put him in cuffs. He had the phone sticking out of his back pocket. His story was that the victim walked up to him and just gave it to him.
Uh-huh
And then while I looked in a different direction for a second I looked back and he had been able to reach around in front of him and was digging in the front pocket of his hoodie. I pulled his hand out and he was holding a wad of crack. He immediately said that this wasn't his hoodie and some guy just gave it to him. But it was a different guy than the one with a phone.
Now he wasn't wearing a shirt under the hoodie and it was in the mid 30's. I guess he was just walking around with no shirt on and people just decided to donate stuff to him.
We don't catch the smart ones folks.
Whaaaaaaat?
We were searching a car and found meth and pipe next to the passenger, the driver (in the most unconvincing tone possible) said "Whaaaaaat? I can't believe that...that's crazy...I would never expect that from her. I'll be honest with you, (usually means they're about to lie) I had no idea she had that."
Two minutes later I go to search him and unsurprisingly find another bag of meth at his feet, just under the bumper of the car. He said it was there when he got out of the car.
Red-handed
I quite literally had a case involving a guy doing graffiti with red spray paint. He tried to deny that it was him when we caught up to him - with red paint all over his hands...
In HD
Giphy
The dickheads who deny its them in the HD quality CCTV of them shoplifting is always a laugh. Especially when they have been caught just after and they are in the same clothes, same obviously Tatts, everything.
Great Throw (Yup, More Pants)
Had a woman say, when a baggie of suspected coke was found in her pants pocket, that "some one threw it over the stall wall while I was in the bathroom and it landed in my pocket."
Undercover
"I'm really undercover following this lady around she's a known meth dealer" - from an obvious crack head...
Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:
“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"
Professor burn…
“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots
“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter
You should apologize…
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin
“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth
How low can they go?
“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst
“That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.” give_it_a_vodkashot
Series 2 Limbo GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert
“From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”
"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven
These teachers got clap backs for days…
“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling
“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Priceless” melbers22
Bob Dylan…
“Bob Dylan: One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.” WhatDaufuskie
“I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken
Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne
“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi
“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg
“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2
Firefly insults…
“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”
"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026
Shakespeare master of insults…
“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil
“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying
Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.
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Sure, it's depressing, but you know what? Aging happens to all of us, and no one is getting out of here alive.
"What gets worse with age?"
Physical consequences of aging is one of the cruelest things in life.
What The Body Does With Food
"Digestive system."
"Every meal is followed by a poop."
Fighting Gravity
"Bending over to pick a quarter off the ground. Hurts your back, gut and your fingers don't work. That's why there is change all over my floor. ;)"
After A Wild Night
"Hangovers for sure."
"At 18 I could go heavily drink and feel damn near 100% the next day. Now I get horrid mental and physical effects. Probably should quit drinking all together."
When our senses gradually start to fail us, it's yet another reminder of our brief mortality.
Look, See
"eyesight."
"Make sure you get your eye dilated every year and check for cataracts."
See, Hear
"My hearing is on the decline. I don't think it'll go completely, but I did get hearing aids last year."
Deaf GIF by memecandyGiphyThe degeneration of certain abilities as we get older is too much to bear.
Staying Above Water
"My ability to cope. I'm just burnt out all the time."
"I feel the same. Aside from my family and friends, I have no care for anyone or anything anymore. Nothing phases me but that's not a good thing IMO. I feel very apathetic towards everything, I'm tired all the time and just want to lay down."
Counting Sheep
"The ability to sleep through the night."
– dabuku1
"Used to be a world champion sleeper and now 5-6 straight hours is huge. Pretty much wide awake every night at 3am."
Putting Up With People
"Humanity.... The older I get the less I want to deal with people."
Maintaining Friendships
"Friendship - making new friends after your 20s becomes a big struggle, and the newer friendships just aren't the same. You can literally run out of 'lifelong friends' due to death, disease, people growing apart, etc."
– cowanon7
I found as I'm getting older my patience and tolerance for certain things have gotten worse.
Waiting in line at the grocery store while someone fumbles with their payment option, or getting antsy when the food I ordered at the restaurant is taking way too long are things that never bothered me ten years ago.
I"m not curmudgeonly by any means, at least not yet. Besides, I'm not that old.
But to all the cranky elders I grew up with who complained about poor service or lack of efficiency, I get it now, and I hear you.