People Who Were Born Into Cults Admit The Moment They Knew They Had To Get Out
As children, our educational and cultural influences are determined by our parents. But sometimes our family can be in an unhealthy environment and as children we're trapped there as well.
Reddit user sweaterobsessed asked "Children born into cults and (who) left, what was your "Oh, sh**!" moment?"
Here are the stories of people living in a bad situation as children, but who made the decision to get out and what was their final straw.
The moment when I asked myself, what, fundamentally, the difference between my church and North Korea was.
My thoughts went something like this:
We sing songs about allegiance to the Supreme Leader.
We have pictures of Supreme Leader in our house.
We ascribe supernatural events to Supreme Leader.
Supreme Leader can do no wrong.
One day, we will invade false Korea, Jesus will come and kill all our enemies. Sometime soon, as of last century week.
Leaving church Best Korea? Where will you go? Horrible things outside!
People who leave Best Korea are evil traitors!
Take extra time out of your day to serve Best Korea (the church).
Anyway, I highly recommend this as a thought process as to whether or not a part of religion is bad- if via substituting nouns it sounds like something out of North Korea, or from a true external perspective (hard to do) it seems strange, it probably is. That's how I left.
A Loving God
I grew up in a church that was one compound and a bulk order of kool-aid away from being a cult. They mostly focused on the end times and how much and when to tithe.
For me there were two (last straws), the first when the preacher preached a sermon on how god doesn't care about how good or evil you are. Only if you believed the correct things. The second was when he preached a sermon about how babies, children and yes even the mentally disabled go to hell. Unless of course they believed the correct way. Of course as he put it most of them were in hell. The idea that god is all knowing and all loving and tortures babies and the mentally handicapped for eternity was abhorrent to me.
In the Cult, job descriptions and qualifications include scriptures. My father wanted a job and one of the requirements was that his children respect him and fear the Lord. But he only had one child at the time.
He was told he would not get the promotion until he had another child, and my mother was accosted several times being told she was selfish, a hellish woman, worse than Eve. She had several panic attacks and finally struck off to find a psychiatrist and renew her use of the anxiety medication she was on before my father made her stop taking them.
Once I was conceived, my father was promoted and they were transferred to what was at the time the USSR. My brother was left with...honestly I don't know who, and my parents won't tell me, but they left for the remainder of her pregnancy. Against medical advice, they flew back to the US and I was born in Illinois. For the next five years we were left with strangers who were ranked highly enough in the Cult to take care of the children of my Father's ranking, until we were assigned secondary parents.
I was shunned for dating someone that wasn't white. They gave me bible verses to "support" their claims that it wasn't right. The bible says that God is love. If I can't love someone, then they're not reading the same book that I am. I left, half of my "friends " wouldn't speak to me anymore.
I don't think I ever truly believed, but the moment that was cemented for me was when the I had the unfortunate experience of going on a mission trip to Cambodia. Long story short two teams from the church I had previously attended were sent, for the first two week the teams were sent to different locations. During this time we helped the local communities and it was actually pretty nice, normal prayer sessions etc etc.
However during the last couple days of the trip both teams met up and stayed in the same location. It was then that stories from the other team about being possessed by the devil, spiritual enlightenment, tongues (becoming a vessel for god to speak through) and being struck down by the love of god were mentioned by the other team. Keep in mind till that point our team just had your good ole regular fashion prayer sessions.
Surprise surprise later that night when both teams held a joint prayer session, members from my team started hysterically yelling, crying out for god, passing out on the ground and it was at that moment when I realized that it was all bullshit and pretty much mass hysteria mixed in with an enlightenment measuring contest.
I was at a yearly conference at a megachurch in my state when I was 15. There were fog machines and laser lights during "worship" and the power mysteriously went out as we took communion, which was an obvious indication that God was in our favor instead of just an overloaded circuit or someone pulling the plug. That's around the time I realized that you can trick anyone into believing anything and started doing research. Officially denounced the church when I was seventeen and had seen enough.
When I read a book about our sect that told its actual history even though the leaders always said it was created in the time of Jesus and passed down over the millennia in the same form.
It was a Sunday, Sundays we'd usually go during the day and afternoon. But after the first part, when my parents sat me down they told me that we were leaving. I recall being sad because I was playing a game with my friends, at the time I was confused.
My friends that I grew up with ignored me like I didn't exist, I felt like everything I knew was gone. Later on I slowly pieced together what went on there was not normal.
I noticed the manipulative tactics such as showing us graphic videos of people dying and being ripped up because they didn't follow God. They made us have no TV to isolate us, but there's more.
But it was very difficult leaving. It felt like my entire life was a lie, and everything I had learnt for 12 years was taken away and I was left clueless as ever and couldn't relate to anyone.
Luxury Off Poverty
I'm from Mexico. I was raised Catholic, doing my first communion, going to mass almost every Sunday. However, the first time I saw a very poor old lady giving $300 Pesos (About $15 USD and keep in mind this is a lot of money for a poor person in Mexico) to the church just to see the preacher spend that money on luxury (I had been to that preacher's house and it was very luxurious), I was done with it. Never trusting any sort of religion again. None of them. The way they mess with the people that honestly believe in them is not correct.
Profit for Prophets
When my church built a $1.5 billion shopping mall using its "investment" money.
Gotta make a prophet somehow.
Had a very intelligent friend, she also grew up in this cult. I remember her telling me one day how much she was struggling in science class because evolution made sense to her, but she knew it conflicted with her faith. She was in tears over it, saying that she needed to block it out.
Not quite cult, but when the pastor started talking about how God was sending Hurricane Katrina and all these mass shootings as punishment for legalizing gay marriage and not praying in schools, that was it for me.
When I was 19 and by orders of the pastor, my mom took my bedroom door off the hinges. They were doing everything in their power for me not to leave the church. She would do random searches and pat downs to see if I had any communication to the outside "world". There was so many signs that I started seeing when I got older (I was raised into the religion) - but I was terrified to leave due to the shunning, the fear and being ashamed of "leaving the truth".
Also, my mom didn't want me to go to a therapist even after knowing I was having panic attack's because she was afraid that the therapist would take the "fear of god" out of my life.
Lack of Faith
When I realized I had this deep, deep feeling that nobody would ever love me if I left the religion because the religion f'd me up in lots of ways. And also feeling like nobody would ever love me if I stayed because deep down I didn't believe.
Runaway, Never Look Back
My brother and I grew up in a cult family. Not specifically naming anything, but has since disbanded to my knowledge though some of y'all might know which town this happened in. Picture this: a rural town, middle of nowhere with only a handful of people. It was made very clear that outsiders weren't welcome and we obviously didn't get many guests, the ones that stumbled upon it were lost....the town looked creepy as shit so they cleared out fast. Contact to the rest of the world was nonexistent, and we didn't have access to anything - no news, tv, etc. Here are some of the worst things that are burned into my memory...
People got sick frequently but weren't permitted to see a medical professional outside of the cult, but the "doctors" in the cult were absolute quacks. Education was handled by leaders and whoever they appointed.
My older brother really liked dragonflies and other insects. Our dad would capture them and force him to pluck the wings off as a sacrifice.
I had a romantic relationship with a teenage boy in the cult. I became overly paranoid because it was against our religion to be engaging in same-sex relations. For a long time I thought I was going to die since he disappeared one day with no warning. I still have no idea what happened, if he got out by ditching in the middle of the night like I did or if he was killed.
The night I left I kept going until I found a paved road, was picked up by a young man and I can still picture his pickup clear as day. I told him I ran away from home but nothing else, and he didn't pry so we just kept driving. He made small talk, I mostly listened, but eventually I confessed I didn't have any plan or place to go. He suggested the military since he had a friend in it who could help me, plus that'd get me on my feet. I enlisted.
It was like being five again for many years afterward. I had to relearn a lot because what I had been told in my childhood was centered around the cult's beliefs, and my education was severely lacking for my age. I was considered an eighteen yr old in 5th grade. My time was spent drifting between homes and jobs and friends, never stayed in one spot for too long. I didn't feel connected to any identity since it wasn't like I had papers to say who I was.
I had a job as a mover for a while and that's where I met my long term boyfriend. Currently I live with him and just try to take things one day at a time.
I don't know what happened to my parents, but they're probably dead. I haven't seen my brother since that day I left. I have no way of contacting him if he's alive and I don't even know where he'd be.
End of Days
The pastors got involved in the prepping movement. Suddenly there was this huge focus on the end times. One day she starts tearing into me about not stockpiling more food. The pastors had joined a Multi-level marketing scam for dried food. Most of the members were dirt poor, but suddenly God wants us all to buy expensive prepper stuff.
No Boys Allowed
I knew a guy born into a fundamentalist Mormon sect on the Montana/Idaho border.
His "oh shit" moment was his 18th birthday when his dad and the other men kicked him out of town and told him never to come back.
They keep the girls and marry them off to the other men in town. But boys gotta go so they don't take the precious girls.
My aunt, uncle and their ~5 kids were in a cult in the 80's/90's. They were faith healers and the leader basically preached that if you got sick it's because you didn't love god enough. Their "oh shit" moment was when the cult leader died of gangrene. They immediately founded their own church after the cult disbanded though, so they definitely still have some weird beliefs.
8/21/2011 + 1
I was raised in the Family Radio apocalyptic Christian cult. I guess the biggest "Oh SHIT" moment was when the world didn't end on May 21, 2011. My whole life was building up to that day and I had no other purpose.
...and then May 22 came and I figure out how to live in a world that I was taught to reject.
When my mom said a relative had "educated himself right out" of our religion I realized that something you can educate yourself out of might not be the source of all truth and enlightenment after all.
This is a big thing for Jehovah's Witnesses. They're encouraged not to engage in higher education because it "destroys faith."
Perhaps if learning to reason and understand science destroys their faith, maybe that faith is not well founded.
Books are life. Recently studies have been published that reading for fun, reading for knowledge, just interest in reading in general is down, and that is a tragedy.
We've become too obsessed with our binge watching and ADHD mindset that we've lost focus on one of life's greatest joys... literature.
There are some stories and books that should be a mandatory read for life. There should be age benchmarks that require knowledge of certain books in order to progress. I know, how "1984" of me. ;)
Redditor u/bugtanks33d wanted to hear about what literature we should all be familiar with sooner than later by asking:
What's a book everyone should read at least once in their lives?
One of my favorite books is "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." It was a key element in unlocking what I could see with my imagination. No adolescent should go beyond sixth grade without knowing it. What else?
"ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE READING THIS THREAD:"
"MANY OF THE BOOKS MENTIONED HERE ARE IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN AND IN AUDIO BOOK FORM. GO THROUGH YOUTUBE/RANDOMHOUSE/AUDIBLE/OVERDRIVE FOR ALL THE CLASSICAL GOODNESS YOU WANT."
"It almost totally eliminates the financial/time commitment that many will cite for not picking them up. I listen to books on double speed all the damn time. I am working my way through "A Tale of Two Cities" now."
Meaningwondering simon cowell GIF by X Factor GlobalGiphy
"Man's search for meaning - Viktor Frankl."
"The Phantom Tollbooth."
"Milo: "Many of the things I'm supposed to know seem so useless that I can't see the purpose of learning them at all."
"Princess of Sweet Rhyme: "...what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover the wonderful secrets of tomorrow."
"Johnny's Got His Gun. It's so intense, but it's so good. Metallica's song One is based off this book. Guy has his arms and legs blown off, goes blind and deaf, and is left to live like that. I only read it once, but it's forever engrained into my memory. It hits you like a freight train."
"Surprised I haven't seen it here already so I'll add it... The Brother's Karamazov by Dostoyevsky. In Slaughterhouse 5 Vonnegut said it could teach everything that we needed to know about life, except that wasn't enough anymore."
"If the only thing that book did was make you marvel at how people centuries and oceans removed from you in time and place, could experience the exact same emotions about life as you did, it would be worth the read. There's so much more to it, but Dostoyevsky had such a knack for digging deep into universal human experience. And it's just a hell of a good story too."
Classicsdiva read GIFGiphy
"Speaking as somebody who isn't religious, the literary value of the Bible (and the Hebrew Bible) is severely underrated."
I took a class on it in college, with a prof who'd once allegedly gotten into a bar fight over Beowulf. We would sometimes spend half a class discussing a single verse or two because there's so much stuff going on under the hood."
I know so many of those. And sadly, I'm already behind in my studies. I love books and I'm always on the path to find more to consume. Let me ready my already lengthy list.
WARWar Shockwave GIFGiphy
"All Quiet on the Western Front. Everyone should have to reckon with the reality of what war actually means."
"Night, by Elie Wiezel. It is absolutely heartwrecking , and I hated every moment of reading it, which is exactly the effect it is supposed to have."
"Came here looking for this one. I had to read it back in high school and it blew me away how moved I was by it. Stories like his need to be remembered for all time, no matter how hard it is to get through (emotionally-speaking; it's actually quite an easy and short read). I'm so grateful that my English teacher assigned it."
"The Westing Game."
"A Librarian here, such a terrific book. I have gotten so many kids to read it by hooking them with the fact that the reader can play the game and has all of the clues. And good luck as it is fiendishly clever."
All the Good Crazy
"The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. Such a great book."
"Oh my god yes. I love this book for being the sex, drugs and rock and roll of the classics world. It is lengthy but has revenge, treasure, plots and schemes and drugs. There is nothing stuffy about this classic."
"The Giver- that book made my 9-10 year old mind really think about what was important in society. It was the first time the idea of "good" things having a negative consequence was presented to me. I think what makes it work is that we are learning how this whole society really works along side a character who has lived in it his whole life."
"As the facade of the utopian society begins to fall away to show devastating consequences of the "perfect life and society" the reader not only feels their shock but the main character's shock. This was a book I read in school 4 times- once in 5th grade and once in 10th for English and then in both high school and college sociology classes. This book written for 9-13 year olds made for great discussions."
Good and Bad of Liferead ford GIFGiphy
"The Grapes of Wrath and/or Of Mice and Men. Both are heartbreaking, but not for the sake of being heartbreaking - instead they provide a glimpse of how freaking hard life can be, but also how beautiful it can be."
That is a lot of good advice. And a lot of great storytelling and advice giving. Did anyone miss anything that should be there? And make sure you read anything by Harlan Coben, he's a fav.
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It's always our high school dreams, as shown by every high school teen movie ever, to marry the popular girl or the jock. But high school is high school for a reason; life does not really last outside of the walls of high school in the way it did within.
Jocks tend to fall off their athletic bandwagons. The popular girls have a hell of a time making their way in the working world when their popularity means nothing. People's lives sometimes completely freeze in place.
Or sometimes those people really do completely change, and live their lives for the better.
Here were some of those answers.
"My mom was the elite Atlanta debutante and lived a very cushy life at a budding Miami country club. Beautiful and very popular at the private school. My dad grew up on a farm in Virginia. They weren't poor but they were definitely not refined."
"Eventually my father's family made it down to Miami after selling the farm. He became the lifeguard at the country club pool where my mom spent days lounging about."
"My parents say they saw each other and that was it. The scandal was great - the debutante and the lowly lifeguard...."
"They just celebrated 54 years of marriage. My 'lowly' lifeguard father made quite the life for my mom regardless of what all those elite twats said was going to happen."
"She gladly left the country club life for him and they are still so utterly in love it's crazy. He carries a photo of her at the pool where they met. The only references she makes to being 'that girl' are that they proved everyone wrong."
"They are beautiful and I love their story."-wadinglimpkin
Just Because He's Hot Don't Mean He Can't Be Smart Too
"Not me but my mom married my dad who who was hot sh*t. They met in college when he was an absolute hellion."
"But since then he became a doctor, still a really fun dude. He's also a licensed contractor so when he was bored he built a 6000 square foot barn in our backyard over 10 years completely on his own."
"Absolutely stand up dude."-GravityMyGuy
"I married the cool girl. Super athletic, everyone was her friend. We started dating in high school."
"She's kept up everything people loved about her. Nowadays she isn't as interested in other people, and focuses on herself, her career, us and our future."
"We're planning to buy a house and have kids soon. I'm the breadwinner today but I'm not so sure if that'll be true in a few years lol"-WakeAndVape
See, not all the cool kids go on to have horrible, boring lives after. Sometimes the cool kids were cool because they deserved it.
"As it turned out, I married one of the mean girls, didn't go to her school, didn't find out she was considered that until after the divorce. That's how it turned out."
"Then I dated one of the cool chicks. Did go to her school, did know she was considered that. And she was the most amazing human being I've ever known. That one didn't work out either."
"Now I'm just retired from relationships for a bit, strike 3 would kill me right now."
"This was very therapeutic. I have friends and family that are awesome. Hopefully, I'll have more Someday. For now it's me and my kids I'm focusing on."-read110
A Tale Of Strength (On The Outside)
"My mom was the cool girl all through high school, undergrad, grad school. But life didn't go that well. For most of her life, she had to be caring for someone in the family who was ill, and that took a huge toll on her."
"First it was her dad, then it was me (I had childhood illnesses), then her in-laws in quick succession, then her dad again, and finally she had to nurse my dad until he passed away from a terminal illness."
"She was meant to be social and have fun, and instead she was forced to be around sickness and sadness for her best years."
"But she is a very happy and mentally strong person in general who made the best of things. She hosted a lot of people and events."
"My house growing up was full of people visiting and having fun. She's very charming and easy to talk to, and has a lot of fans all the time."
"Though, my siblings and I find her social side rather annoying. She isn't like that with us, and she tells us her charming side is just an act, and the real her is the lady who is constantly critical of us 'for our own good.'"
"She likes having groupies hanging around, people who are happy to take her help and be grateful to her. She has very few friends who could be considered her equals."
"She also expects a lot from other people and is constantly disappointed. She wants to be the center of everything. She doesn't know to be a guest at anything, she somehow ends up running every event she's invited to."
"She sincerely believes she's helping, but it's just disrespectful sometimes and when we tell her that, she doesn't get it."
"She likes to dominate everything and make decisions for everyone. We joke that if the prime minister was her friend, she'd somehow end up running the country for him."-sensitiveinfomax
Sometimes, Chase The Waterfalls
"My mum was the nerdy girl who got all the As and had zero social skills, and somehow managed to start dating my dad who was the popular, good-looking guy who everyone thought would peak in high school."
"She was actually advised by her family and friends that he wouldn't give her the future she was hoping for. They got married at 19, had me when they were 20, and while they were pretty broke the first few years of my life, he paid for my mum to attend law school, started his own business and 25 years later with 3 kids, they're still so in love and have a pretty cushy life."
"My dad actually met one of the loud voices who told my mum she was making a big mistake marrying him, and she had said how she always knew he would turn out well, which he found hilarious."-samknowsbest8
"Found out recently (30 M) that my dad was extremely popular in highschool from my aunt. I had no idea he was an all-star football player with lots of college offers and was prom and homecoming king."
"Never talks about it, but he's doing well. 2 kids, a dog, and a loving wife, imo he's still winning."-ZoatDGoat
And what counts as successful in high school doesn't necessarily count toward success in later life.
What Kind Of Woman?
"My brother was one of the hottest guys in high school and went on to be a model. He's still cool and hot to many but now he's a bit fat."
"He's my brother so ewww on the hot part in my opinion. But women still swoon and he's so obnoxious. Think Matt Dillon, etc…. Era."
"He got dumped by his model 17 years younger wife for a 26 year old. He has impossible standards and it's making him miserable. He's into these flashy shallow women. Overall he's doing really well and his business is thriving."-RunRevolutionary9019
Always Take The Risk
"I sat next to the popular guy every day pretty much for five years and I was so afraid of speaking to him. I'd watched him and his friends picking each other up and shoving the chosen one into lockers, or chasing each other round into a pile on and throwing their shoes at each other. Typical school sh*t."
"They were rowdy and loud and intimidating, but he was the quiet yet seriously funny one and I crushed on him HARD for years. He remembers me as the little blonde girl who didn't speak to anyone (because I was so anxious all the time)."
"He also protected his sister from some a**holes every break time and she'd come to find him for safety from bullies."
"Should have spoken to him sooner when school finished, because we have the same music taste and we get on well enough now at 26 that we have a 6 month old daughter together, my daughter from a previous relationship and we just got engaged last weekend. I adore him, he's handsome, charming and funny and I would do anything for this man as he would for me."-hospital-flowers
High School Never Ends
"I married the Student Council President/ Prom King. He jokes that he peaked in high school. Graduated 20 years ago. He dropped out of three colleges and hasn't found a career path he is passionate about."
"He hates his job, but he's actually really good at it. He's kind of trapped in it because it would be incredibly difficult for him to find a new job without a degree."
"He's a good husband. He's an amazing father. He struggles with anxiety and some depression. A lot of self-doubt. He's incredibly social and the pandemic hit hard."
"He's put on weight and hates his body. He admits that he worries about what other people think of him and wants people to like him."
"He's introspective and wants to be a better person, but anxiety gets in the way sometimes. He married a theater nerd lol, but we didn't meet until college. I felt a little intimidated by his popular past, but he's very down-to-earth."-madestories
We really want our lives to fit neatly into these stereotypes, but at the end of the day, we are all just people repeating a cycle of wanting more for ourselves over and over again. We can't shove that into a stereotype.
Even the student council president, the prom king, the homecoming queen, and the jocks can't run away and hide in a single identity forever. Life makes you into a more rounded person whether you want to be one or not.
Movies' strong focus on creating drama through conflict inevitably has lead to countless on screen deaths.
Some of those movie deaths occur to minor characters we don't care much about (enter Wilhelm Scream). Nonetheless, they can still pack a punch if the manner of the death was gruesome or sad enough.
On the other side of the coin, a death doesn't have to be spectacular to create drama if it happens to a character we've grown to love throughout the film.
And sometimes, a beloved character faces a gruesome end. That's the double whammy.
Redditor Boston_Strong_CQB241 asked:
"Out of all the deaths you seen in movies, which one really stands out to you as the worst?"
Many Redditors recalled the deaths that drew their intensity from the connection they'd felt with the character who did the dying.
And, yes, sometimes the manner of death only heaped on the drama.
"The soldier in Saving Private Ryan that had the knife slowly plunged into his chest after a hand to hand fight and he was begging the other soldier to stop. Intense."
That Etched Wooden Beam
"The old man (Brooks) who hangs himself from The Shawshank Redemption."
" 'Get busy living or get busy dyin.' "
A Very Different Boxing Film
"Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. Almost becoming World Champion, then paralyzed, her family only caring about the money she won from boxing, then having her limbs chopped off because of bed sores that got infected."
"All this just to be put down as a act of kindness like the story she foretold of her dog she grew up with. I will never watch that movie again."
Stoic Until She Wasn't
"Vesper Lynd drowning in 'Casino Royale.' That moment when she goes serene and calm, to a panicky and frenzied last gasp for air.... that really bothered me."
Others were spooked by the pure violence of some onscreen deaths. They could barely watch the gruesome moments when they erupted.
But now they can't forget them.
Slam, Slam, Slam
"That f**king wine bottle scene in Pan's Labyrinth. The casual brutality is so horribly realistic." -- Darth_Mufasa
"My jaw dropped the first time I saw it and it still haunts me. In fact, that movie gave me nightmares for two weeks" -- TheSilverCrystal
"The curb stomp." -- AUTheatreNerd
"American History X. The curb stomp. It haunts me." -- DigitFisher
"Ryan Reynolds getting his insides eaten out by an Alien in the horror movie Life. It still traumatized me."
And some people recalled the deaths they witnessed as children movie-watchers. All grown up now, they still can't unsee those old images.
"That shoe from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it was so happy and friendly and then it gets slowly dipped to death. The smoke and its cries of pain are burned into my mind 25+ years later."
"Artax in the swamp of sorrows. Made me cry so much as kid, Atreyo was so hopeless." -- kirby60
"Don't you dare do this to me right now" -- OmgOgan
Multiple Movies' Worth of Sadness
"Stoick from How to Train Your Dragon 2, I still cry every time I even think about it, and the flashbacks in the third movie just break me, great trilogy. Full of emotion and great everything, best Dreamworks movies, in my opinion"
The worst part is that this is only a small handful of the tragic movie moments that are out there. And we have so many unknown future deaths we'll see too.
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It might feel like a challenge to come back at someone who has just insulted you, but it's easier than you think.
What's the most memorable comeback you've heard in your life?
No one knows you like your family, hence why they're usually the one who know the best way to eviscerate you using only their words. Anyone with an older brother and/or sister knows what's going on with these comebacks.
She Can Stay
"My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal."
Got That Sacred "Dad Laugh"
"I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
"Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing."
"Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts."
"Me: The corner doesn't count."
"Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*"
Oh, Good Lord...
"My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"
"My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
Like, in public. Where people are. Other people. People you don't know, who might just be going about their day-to-day business, and they just so happen to hear someone being roasted alive?
What's Keeping You Alive, Grandpa?
"Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for "not knowing how to live without technology" and without looking up she went "don't you have a pacemaker?".
When The Store Hates You...
"Someone yelled out in a Walmart , "I'm not ashamed of who I am".
"Another voice echoed back, "that's your parents job"
You Would Really Walk Up To Someone You Don't Know And Say This?
"Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied, "well, being a nosey rude bi*ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
And then there's these clapbacks. Unplanned, zero preparation, and with little prior knowledge, there needs to be a call placed to some local medical center with how much damage was done with these comebacks.
If You Pantsed It, Fix It
"My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up."
Definitely Seems Like You Got Tricked Here
"When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on."
"One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him"
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c-nt".
"He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful."
That's A Mom Burn! Those Don't Heal!
"I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room."
"Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
"For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common"
If you have some ice nearby it might be a good idea to go and grab some.
These burns spread.
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