Whether the person delivering the remark is joking or dead serious and miserable, chances are that we'll be insulted plenty of times in our lives.
And the worst thing that can happen is to freeze.
Nobody wants to be a dear in the headlights when someone decided to bully them. Instead, it's best to be prepared.
A recent Reddit thread asked people to pool their best comebacks to insults they could come up with. Thanks to them, we can walk around stocked with some return fire on the occasion we do fall prey to a person's put downs.
Redditor Concert-Extra asked:
"What is your go-to comeback when insulted?"
Of course, there were plenty of witty one-liners proposed. The hope here is that wittiness of the comeback trumps the intelligence level of the insult that provoked it.
It's all math.
" 'I've been called worse by better men' " -- Atbunyar
"Stealing that, thanks" -- GSavvage
Saying It Without Saying It
"Let's play horse: I'll be the head and you be yourself."
"If they say 'fu** you.' I say 'not even if you paid me.' "
"I say, 'I'm not that desperate, and you're not that lucky...' " -- webjocky
"If the insult is funny / good, laugh with them. If it's bad, laugh at them, and just go 'you know what buddy, we'll give you another crack at that one if you'd like.' "
Others advocated against getting into the weeds with a counter-insult. Instead, they advised a response that, above all, thrived on its absurdity to leave the insulter as puzzled as possible.
"Complete silence… let the uncomfortable sizzle and sink in. It's debilitating to the ego." -- LivingBeneficial3814
"That's what I do. Insults only have validity if the issuer thinks it worked." -- trenchfootflyfisher
Annoy, Annoy, Annoy
"Ask them to repeat themselves. Then do it again." -- Global-Ad404
"This is the best one because a good insult relies on timing. Having them repeat it makes it sound dumb and mean." -- Elephinker
"i just say 'and then?' and i keep saying it after every insult until they run out of insults." -- snodnif
"and theeeeeeeeeeeeeen?" -- Ninkaso
Finally, some advocated the "kill them with kindness" approach.
Opening Things Up
"When somebody is insulting me without any purpose, I just tell them 'bad day, huh?' "
"I swear, 90% of the people almost immediately calm down and even apologise to me, beacuse they seriously had a bad day and they just had too much bad energy without a way to let it go."
"There's no need to fight back, sometimes we need a good approach to end the argument and calm down the attacker."
"You doing alright, bud?" -- 7788445511220011
"Oooo the condescending use of 'bud.' Nice touch." -- Kuli24
"noooooooo not the BUD!!!! he's to evil to be left alive" -- Kbirt24
Wind Out of the Sails
"I don't get insulted often but the odd chance when it happens I say 'God Bless You' It either enrages them or they look confused for some reason."
Here's to you leaving here with 10 comebacks in your back pocket.
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Food is an essential part of life. We're supposed to use it for survival but let's be serious, so many of us just use it for love.
And there are so many meals and certain products that have brought us comfort and joy over time that get snatched away.
Going shopping or just popping into a local store with high hopes, while salivating at the mouth about that one thing that will satiate a craving, is a beautiful thing.
That's why it can be soul-crushing to discover that your favorite food or food product has been discontinued. Say what?!
Redditor u/PixelPervert wanted to discuss our favorite shopping lists by asking:
What discontinued food do you wish was brought back?
Apricot bear claws. Can someone please find me apricot bear claws? My grandma and I use to share them over coffee and cards when I was a kid. They are delicious, specifically from Publix. So will someone please send me a recipe or box of them? Thank you.
Perfectkourtney kardashian eating GIF by KUWTKGiphy
"This is obscure, but Pepperidge Farm made salad croutons that were absolutely amazing. Perfectly flavored. Perfectly crunchy. Nothing else compares."
"My family actually has a running joke when it comes to me and discontinued foods. It seems whenever I start to like something it goes away. A few notable examples have been, Eggo Muffin Tops, Taco Bell's beefy frito burritos, and, not a lot of people know about this one, but a carbonated yogurt called fizzix that I believe was from gogurt. Now my family won't let me eat stuff that they like because they're afraid I'll like it and it'll go away."
"Edit: thanks for everyone who suggested alternatives to my carbonated yogurts. I have a huge asian market near my house and I think some of those things should be there so I'll be sure to check it out. Another one of my favorites that I just remembered was the cinnamon clusters from chick fil a. So unhealthy but so delicious."
"Pre 2010 Spree created a Valentines Candy Heart for one, single, Valentines Day. I have never been able to find the Spree candied Hearts on any website, but I know they exist. There was crack in those hearts. I still think about them 15 years later. If someone could contact Spree for me and tell them that I will pay obscene amounts of money for 2 bags of those Spree candied Hearts. Please. Please they were so good, please."
"Maybe this was a dream, but I remember Philadelphia Cream Cheese made single size cheesecakes that I would always see at convenience stores. I finally got the courage to ask my grandma to buy me one and it was my first cheesecake experience... so delicious!!!"
Former Flat Earthers Explain What Finally Made Them Come Around | George Takei’s Oh MyyyScience is science. Fact is fact. Truth is truth and simple is simple. These are things we must now attest to in 2021. Can we please all get onboard with wha...
Homer food...Homer Simpson Reaction GIFGiphy
"Butterfinger BB's... With the Simpson's characters on the package."
I love me some BB Butterfingers. And I'm obsessed with this list already. Except the Philadelphia cream cheese, you can keep that. Gimme more...
No J?Peanut Butter Lol GIF by JifGiphy
"PB crisps from planters. Since this is mildly popular I want to post this in the top comment this is a link to help bring back PB crisps. https://pbcrisps.com/".
"Snapple Elements - the Rain one was agave cactus and delicious."
"I would give anything for them to sell their drinks in glass bottles again!!!! I stopped buying their products when they switched to plastic. (I know the big packs still have them, but I mean the single ones)."
"Kellogg's Product 19 cereal. I know it's lame, but I really miss it."
"I was NOT going to comment on this thread because I knew someone would say this. People do not understand how good this cereal was... they're all like "whatever its like freakin' corn flakes or whatever... no, they weren't, they were crunchy, and healthy, like freaking PACKED full of vitamins and minerals, no other "healthy" cereal could touch it."
"I've contacted Kelloggs multiple times about bringing it back or just like giving me the recipe and I'll make it. Nope, proprietary... you know what... I 'm going to, right now, make a petition about it, and I'm coming back here, and I'm posting the link, and then I'm gonna make a new thread, and post it there. It's 2021, it's time to bring it back."
"Not necessarily a food, but they used to have these mini Listerine "balls" that you would bite into and mouth wash would explode out."
"On the same level were "brush-ups". They were little finger gloves of a toothpasty rough material that you could use like at work after lunch so you didn't feel like you had food residue on your teeth the rest of your shift. Apparently, people started using these quick-fix products as their main brush for the day and the ADA pulled it. They were awesome."
Fry' Em!flipping ronald mcdonald GIFGiphy
"McDonald fried Apple pies. There's only the baked version now."
"Vault soda. God I miss that. Kids at the skate park would drink this and eat a snack size bag of Doritos and lose their stomach from one end or the other. Never failed. Also the typhoon flavor Mtn Dew that was part of a contest way back. It was fruit punch and Mtn Dew mixed. So much better than the blue one that won."
"Watermelon Laffy Taffy with the candy seeds in them."
LayersGIF by Gorton's FishermanGiphy
"Trident used to make a "layers" gum that came with apple and pineapple as the flavors and they discontinued it. It was so great and it lasted forever. They kept grape lemonade! I just don't get it."
"Do y'all remember the ubiquitous Viennetta commercials in the 90s? I never tried it but it was the height of sophistication when I was in elementary school."
"Ding dongs. They still make them, but they were better before Hostess went bankrupt and was bought out."
"I loves snack cakes, pies and anything similar to that. I did notice that… something has been off about Hostess snacks since they went bankrupt and subsequently revived however many years ago. I remember Twinkies being so good and delicious, and now they're just… not for some reason. I don't know why though. I can't tell if it's something with the ingredients they use now or a change in recipe but it tastes off nowadays."
"Regarding the Ding Dongs, I personally taste tested and compared Ding Dongs to Drake's version, Ring Dings. The Drake's stuff was so much better. Again, I don't know what changed exactly. But nonetheless I don't buy Hostess stuff anymore and go for either Drake's or Tastykake."
"Flintstones Push-Up Pops."
"This brought back something from the deepest corner of my brain. Also brings the question why were the Flintstones such an integral part of our childhood and diet. Push ups, fruity pebbles, vitamins. What else am I missing from the Flintstones?"
Turtle Powerninja turtles GIF by Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesGiphy
"Ninja Turtle Pies."
"This is it. This is the right answer. It was only in the last couple years I found out that people besides my family ate them. We'd buy every single one at the store whenever we'd see them."
'"Oh Boy!' Garlic bread. We didn't have a lot of money growing up so we always had to ration it whenever we got some, 2 pieces for me, max.. I remember thinking that when I was an adult, I'd buy so much and have all I could want, whenever I wanted. Then, I grew up and it was discontinued. Sadness ensued and persists til this very day. :( "
"Apparently I'm the only one of my friends who remembers these, but those fries from BK that you would get with a separate bag and a packet of cheese powder. You'd proceed to shake the crap out of both of them in the bag and you'd have cheddary fries. So good."
"The original Trix yogurt. they have yogurt now, but it doesn't taste anything like it did when I was a kid & it breaks my heart."
I thought those pies tasted weird. Why do they have to make changes to great things? Leave perfect alone. Now someone get on those bear claws.
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It's incredible how much changes over time. For those of us who grew up in the nineties and early 2000s, it's common for us to get nostalgic for what seemed to be a simpler time back then. But there is always hope that our favorite things will make a comeback.
Here's a list of what really needs to make a comeback. A lot has changed in the past decade or so, and it's time that we bring back a few older values.
What needs to make a comeback?
One of the biggest things that has changed over the past decade or so has been entertainment, and how we consume it.
Video games have changed so much.
"Making a single purchase and getting all of a game's content."
"Similarly, develop your next game instead of continually porting your game to yet another next gen console."
These were the BEST.well be right back saturday morning cartoons GIFGiphy
"Saturday Morning Cartoons"
"Just plop on my couch, have some Cap'n Crunch and watch cartoons all morning."
"They may not be Saturday morning but they're certainly all day."
Now we have twelve different series of 90 Day Fiancé.
"Good programming on The History Channel, TLC, Discovery, MTV, etc."
"Those channels used to be so good but they're full of bad reality TV shows now."
Classic Disney is the best Disney.
"Classic 2D Disney films. No not CGI films meant to look 2D, actual hand drawn 2D films."
"Sleeping Beauty took six years and six million dollars to make, that entire film is one beautiful painting."
Societal norms have certainly changed a ton in the past twenty years or so.
We all need more of this.Do Not Disturb Privacy GIF by Juan BillyGiphy
"I hate that the majority of people went from somewhat private lives, to giving it all up via social media in seemingly 5 years. As with most things, it wasn't a well known concern until it was already a huge problem."
They wait that long?!
"This might sounds weird but as someone working in childcare. Early potty training."
"The amount of parents who are waiting until their child is 3-4 to potty train is huge now. When I worked in daycare we were lucky if a child was 3+ and in pull ups."
"When I talk to other daycare workers and nannies they always say the age used to be around 2. Now it seems like everyone is 'waiting until they're ready' then panicking when that moment never comes."
College is way too expensive now.
"An affordable college and graduate school education. I.e Medical school tuition used to be $3000 a year in the 1960s according to some of the older docs. Now it's $72,000 a year at some schools. Even with inflation in mind, $3000 in the 60s is about $25,000 a year in 2021."
Honestly, if people started bringing back the things they were nostalgic for, the world would be a much better place.
Gen Z is bringing back so much.Broad City Reaction GIFGiphy
"Roller skating at skating rinks."
"And perms. Low key 80s kid here lol."
"Perms are back. See all those Gen Z dudes with the curly-on-top and buzzed on the sides haircut, aka the broccoli haircut. You might reconsider your position on that issue after looking though."
Movies used to be so good.
"Making movies/shows/anything like that because they'd be good stories more than just moneymakers."
"Last season of Scrubs, I am looking at you."
Nothing like a good handwritten letter.
"People at my work have seen my cursive and expressed a desire to possess a handwritten letter from me. My handwriting is a mess when I'm just jotting something down, but if they want letters, I'll go get my sealing wax and a card out of my box for that extra fancy feeling."
"And then the card will just read 'Butts.'"
I'm about to show how much of a nerd I am, but you know what really needs to make a comeback? Good musical theatre that's not based on movies. Just like movies and TV shows, I'm craving some good ol' fashioned original content. Maybe I'm just nostalgic for older theatre, but dang, I miss it.
Luckily, older trends almost always circle back around at some point. There's always hope for things to get better, and bring us back to simpler times
Oh the Brits, they are a saucy and sassy bunch aren't they? They are far more free wheeling and fun with everyday language and conversation. Everyone else is so uptight and proper all of the time. Let's be more British. Of course then we'd never know if we were being insulted or congratulated; but that is half of the fun. Listening to the British people hurl insults is like a masterclass in subtle reading and rage combined. I've never been so insulted and simultaneously entertained.Redditor u/Redditfrie wanted to discuss all those beautiful British slangs we love to bandy about by asking..... British people of reddit, what is the most british insult you can think of?
BEWARE>>>>> Much of the content below isn't for the kiddies.
1-french stereotypes GIF by CheezburgerGiphy
Also, consider some of the variations; knobhead, knob cheese, knob gobbler...
When I read in a recipe recently that called for a knob of butter, I immediately felt insulted. 😂
My English boyfriend said "Screw off you coffin dodger!!" Meant to be shouted at old people.
Oh I'm gonna keep this one in my arsenal! Mostly because most old people where i live have no clue what it means.
Jog on you tosser.
Similarly: "on your bike, bellend!"
You complete and utter twat.
Dunno if its an American thing or just in my area, but I've only ever heard it pronounced "twot" before. I could be wrong but I think in the movie Easy A its pronounced like that as well, but I don't know why that even comes to mind.
5-angie imacelebau GIF by I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! AustraliaGiphy
What a numpty.
"That's my girlfriend, you numpty!!" Is my favorite Harry Potter quote.
Do one you bloody pillock.
I'm American and I tried using the word "bloody" one time and my brother told me to STFU cause this wasn't Harry Potter. :(
7-Enough Pulling Hair GIF by OriginalsGiphy
You're getting on my tits.
It's a cruder equivalent of 'you're getting on my nerves'. Said by guys and girls.
Well, nearly anything can be a British insult when you put the word "Absolute" in front of a word.
For example, I could say: "You absolute doorknob" and it would sound like an insult!
Eg: "you complete and utter muppet".
9-Neo Yokio Giant Toblerone GIF by walter_Giphy
The Scottish do this really well.
I was working in Scotland last year and standing at the bar in a hotel. It was quite busy, and they were a bit drunk and loud.
The guy at the back keeps pushing his mate, telling him to move forward when he turned and said "I canny occupy tah same space as him you Toblerone".
I laughed so hard I nearly cried!
Reminds me of a Michael Macyntire (I think?) bit where he suggested anything can be used to replace "drunk" when you're British.
"We got proper bungalowed last night."
"Jessica was completely and utterly side tabled yesterday."
11-crazy homer simpson GIFGiphy
My friend calls people "absolute watermelons" and I love it.
"OH you ABSOLUTE.... trails off in disappointment*
Was at a limmy book reading a couple of years back where a bunch of drunk teens kept shouting it out loud for no reason. Everyone round them were just telling them to shut it. I reckon it's gone from "heh, that's quite funny" to "freaking honking patter" in a lot of people's minds.
And you Ma?Cocina Mauricio GIF by Avon MexicoGiphy
Ya dad sells Avon!
Yer da guards statues.
Rhymes with Jerk
What a berk. Not used as much nowadays but I still like it. Same with the insult "pleb".
So Berk is a totally mild and generally acceptable way of saying C**t.
My gran called my a bloody berk once. Great.
Treasonous Waysbonnie gordon GIF by AlphaGiphy
When I was angry at my mum once she tried making me a cuppa tea, so I took it and poured it down the sink.
Legally speaking, according to the magna carta you are no longer British after committing such an act.
Not seen window licker yet?
And just between us... my fave thing of the week was a photo of a frosted up windscreen with MONG written on in massive letters... and the caption, I can't believe someone just did this to my car... it took me 30 minutes to lick it off.
I hate myself for laughing.
Move Alongcarpool karaoke adele GIFGiphy
Sod off, you prat.
I love the phrase dozy prat, so add that and that's perfection.
Fur and Liquor
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
There is some deeper meaning to this, hamsters breed indiscriminately and elderberries were commonly turned into booze...
Magscan't wait meryl streep GIF by MauditGiphy
I have an older Scottish friend who said her mother used to call everyone she didn't like a "bloody Maggie thatcher."
Loss of Nice
I'm not British, but I used to date a very prim and proper girl from Cambridgeshire.... she was embroiled in a feud with a workmate for a while during our relationship, and at one point things got so bad that they both stopped using "kind regards" at the end of emails and just switched to "regards." It was brutal.
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The only thing better than a REALLY good insult is an equally as good or better comeback.
That kind that gets the entire room involved, where people applaud, or someone goes "Ohhhhhh!" and the fun and energy of the comeback just really gets you jazzed.
Maybe that's just our inflated view from the metric tons of 80s movies we've been watching in lockdown, but, that's the idea.
Here were some of those answers.
Fast And Merciless
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: "why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one?"
My friend: "the same reason you watch porn"
The entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn't the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: "Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody f**king cares."
Congrats On Being A Big Kid
Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, "Congratulations!"
The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.
Sick Burnz Yo
Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a bad@ss and intimidate my buddy.
He says"my feet are registered".
Without missing a beat my friend replies "Where? Health & Sanitation?". Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.
Explosion Of Laughter
English class in Middle School
Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like crap having a mom that works at McDonalds"
Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"
English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...
Victorians Were Ridiculous
18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".
Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."
On a construction site one afternoon, different trades were working in the same area. Like silly team sports, the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and anytime they're together it turns into a pointless dick-measuring contest (usually not literally)!
One particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth- my unti biggest, blah blah blah. Finally one of em spits out this classic:
"I've got girth like a can of corn!"
And the clap back was unforgettable:
"But you've got length like a can of tuna!"
Everyone busted up. Mister girth tried to hide his embarrassment, but was tied-up. No come-back. And a room of men laughing uncontrollably.
Insult Queens And Kings
Chelsea Handler told Russell Brand: "the way you are looking at me makes me wants to cover my vajayjay."
He replied "Ma'am if I had a rubber glove, I'd do it for you."
Crowd burst into laughter and she even acknowledged "that was good"
City-State Of Sick Throwdowns
Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:
"As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls."
"Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying 'If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.'"
"The Spartans replied with one word, 'If.'"
This Is Why They're Neutral
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."
Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their shit, it was amazing
My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny.
A Bully Shut Down For Good
I can't remember the best one I've heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don't know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, "Small feet, you know what that means!" I didn't mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, "Don't worry, fella, there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger." So I said, "Have you tried all 10?"
Not very impressive, but it shut him up.
The Toilet's Jealous
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s**t
Our security officer replied immediately, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, "but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking of me," It continued on and on, and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder, and I'm in the back laughing so hard I'm nearly crying.
After that spiel was over though she didn't give us anymore problems the rest of the night.
Unprecedented Moments Of Genius
He was walking out of English I was walking in. We met at the door way and were chest to chest. And he looks me in the eye and says
"Grow some t*ts"
Without missing a beat i reply dead faced "Donate yours"
Then proceed to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.
Also I did eventually grow some boobs. They are small but they are nice.
The Gays Will Not Stand
It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.
Person A: "I can't believe how many people you've slept with, I don't understand how people can have sex with someone they aren't in love with"
Person B: "Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay"
Person A: silence as he dies inside