How many know-it-alls or one-uppers have you met in your life? The answer's probably quite a few, right? It's always a bore when you run into people like this and when you can spot how much they're trying to get the people around them to oooh and aaah from a hundred miles away.
After Redditor da_hammah1 asked the online community, "What was a 'Dude, just go home' kinda moment when you witnessed someone trying to impress people?" people came forward to share their stories.
We can't stop cringing.
"I had a guy pull up in the lane beside my car..."
I had a guy pull up in the lane beside my car on a motorcycle at a red light. He did this little wave and kissy smooch face at me and kept revving it up. When the light turned he tried to do a wheelie take off and ended up falling off. I stopped and asked if he was okay at which point he realized that I was old enough to be his mother. Still makes me laugh.
"She used to say..."
My best friend in high school used to come up with the most insane lies to be more interesting. She used to tell us her dad (who she had no contact with) owned multiple houses in an area similar to I'd say Malibu. She used to say she was a child model, and that her family opened the first Coke factory. It never stopped and a year after we graduated, she bought a ring at something like a dollar store and told everyone she was engaged to a model from the US (when we asked to see a photo, she used a stock photo from Google lmao) We constantly had second-hand embarassement.
"A bunch of residents came into the function suite..."
I was at a wedding on one of the islands far off the north west coast of Scotland. We were at the reception in a hotel, it was around 9pm, things were going well, everyone was having fun.
A bunch of residents came into the function suite, and most of them were fine. They kinda just disappeared into the mix, really. But this one lad...
The happy couple were amongst the last in our friendship group to tie the knot. Consequently, almost all of the women there were married. This one lad decided he was going to have a crack at pulling each woman. He went around the room, in sequence. When he crashed and burned with one, he'd go on to the next. Usually, the next was in earshot of the previous conversation.
He would use the same line on each lady: "Why have you come here, it's a total s***hole?"
Nobody gave him any grief, we were all in too good of a mood. And he was wrong: it wasn't a s***hole, at least not for a visit. Perhaps a bit limiting to live there, but for a visit it was lovely.
"We were all waiting for the bus..."
We were all waiting for the bus after school and this kid whipped out a guitar and sang a god awful remix of some Jason Mraz song to his love interest. It didn't help that his absurdly unkempt finger nails were used as his "guitar pick". It was a train wreck and I still violently cringe whenever I think about the poor girl just standing there trying to be polite throughout the ordeal.
"Well, it went a bit wrong."
I was in the smoking area of a busy bar with a friend of mine, and he started chatting up a girl. I was doing the usual small-talk with her friend - you know, the small-talk that has the subtext of "Well, those two are probably gonna bang, how about this weather we've been having huh?"
My drunk friend decided to do the condom trick to impress his new-found lady friend. The trick where you unroll a condom, snort it up your nose, and spit it out your mouth.
Well, it went a bit wrong. The condom went up his nose alright, and some of it managed to drop down into his throat, but the base of it stayed lodged somewhere around his sinuses. Within seconds, theatrical snorting gave way to uncontrollable coughing, choking noises, and then projectile vomiting that sprayed out his mouth and his one unblocked nostril, covering the table, a large area of floor, and (of course) his new-found lady friend.
Cleared the entire smoking room, got us both thrown out of the bar, and needless to say he did not get laid that night.
"We eventually convinced him..."
Two years ago at a four-day camping music festival, it was two or three in the morning and our group had made our way back to our campsite, sitting around and chilling for a bit before those of us who were turning in did so. Occasionally the group picks up hangers-on in the Forest, and for the most part they're cool people. This guy was being obnoxious, though, and I don't know who he was tagging along with. Perhaps that person had left again, and this guy felt he had found an audience.
He was on an inflatable sofa between a couple of others, the rest of the circle made up with camping chairs. Some people are sitting, some are walking around or going in and out of tents preparing to head back out.
He keeps asking people for topics to freestyle about. "Gimme a word, man. Or a thing. I'll freestyle about it. I'm good but I gotta get better, and you guys can help me practice."
He would just keep repeating that until someone humored him and give him a starting word. For the life of me, I can't remember a single one of the prompts he dragged out of us. But when he got one, it would always go the same way. He'd start improvising four or five syllable lines that included the initial word, then he'd get maybe one or two coherent lines after that which rhymed. Then he would just kind of fall into a mumble, not saying anything but keeping the rhythm he established. Occasionally words would bubble up out of the mumblemush, usually things that rhyme with his starting word.
After he'd run dry on a word, which never took long, he'd immediately start pestering someone else for a topic. Even when it was hinted at that we were after a quieter, calmer atmosphere, he just went, "Yeah man, that's cool, I get it. ...Gimme a word, man. I can freestyle about anything."
We eventually convinced him to go try to find his friends. But of the people who were around, no one was impressed, and everyone just wanted him to stop.
"He just took a sip..."
I went out with a group of my brother's friends one time and one of our group was a smarmy, frosted tip and pooka shells kind of douchebro. We were shown our seats at a Thai restaurant and a few of us are ordering wine. Douchebro is sitting across from me next to a girl and he's bragging about some bottle of wine he had recently (tangentially, I discovered years later - wine is one of my hobbies now - that this winery he was bragging about is just kind of okay). This girl is totally falling for all his crap. She's very impressed with the $30 bottle of wine that this guy said he had one time.
The server brings us our wine and he proceeds to put on this ridiculous performance with a $9 glass of cheap red wine - swirling it, holding it up to the light, sniffing it and then tasting it. He nodded - not sure if that meant the wine was good or bad - and then the girl asked him if he would taste hers and tell her what he thought. Surprisingly, he didn't do any of the swirling or sniffing with her wine. He just took a sip, set down the glass and put on his best thoughtful face. He then put his hand up, made magic fingers for a second and pinched the air with his thumb and two fingers.
"It's a bit...brighter?"
"I wanted to eat a bullet."
I was at a party in college and some dude started acting out some scene from the Dark Knight as the Joker in front of a bunch of confused girls. The movie had just come out a few months earlier, so it was pretty obvious what he was doing.
Everyone in the immediate vicinity stopped talking and we all watched this dude awkwardly act out a one-sided scene as Heath Ledger's Joker, after which he started trying to talk to the girls while still in character.
At one point he jumped up on a coffee table and one of the guys that apparently lived there, angrily yelled at him to stop and get off the table unless he "wanted his @ss beat". Clearly caught off guard, he finally breaks character, sheepishly says "oh..sorry...sorry" and awkwardly saunters off and sits down on a couch, trying to play it off like nothing happened.
I wanted to eat a bullet.
"He kept looking at people..."
Guy in an expensive looking suit, with an expensive looking haircut, carrying an expensive looking briefcase, pushing through a bunch of people at a bus stop (including elderly) while loudly talking on the phone about the "VIP accounts" he managed. He kept looking at people and smirking. When the light changed, he immediately charged across the street, saying something like "move, I'm more important than you" ... And he slipped on the road kill possum in the crosswalk, and put his hand in it.
"He thought it would be a good idea..."
I have a girl friend who is a lesbian. She is a beautiful woman. The number of guys who do not take "I only like women" as a no to their advances is staggering. I've been lightly assaulted twice when I've asked them to leave her alone. The most "go home" moment, though, has to be the time when a dude went up to karaoke the song "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry to try and impress her after being shot down.
He thought it would be a good idea to switch the word "girl" with "guy".... for reasons? It was brutal.
"We were at a free outdoor concert..."
I swear this was like a scene out of a movie.
We were at a free outdoor concert in our downtown area (Night Ranger) and there was a VIP section roped off for the first few rows in front of the stage and an open area in front of the stage where some people were dancing. One drunk middle-aged-balding-potbellied guy decided it would be a fantastic idea to climb-up the 5-ft to the top of the stage and "join the band".
So he pulls himself up onto the stage, almost knocked over a mic-stand while he was standing-up, then turned around to the audience with this "Hey look at me everybody !!!" facial expression just as one of the crew-members appeared from behind the gave the guy a good shove.
It was hilarious because all I saw from where I was is homeboy going off the stage head-first but didn't see him landing on the asphalt-street below. Next thing I saw was the security guys helping this guy stand up (with his glasses all crooked on his face) and him looking like in the cartoons when somebody gets hit hard and they have those imaginary-birds or stars rotating around their head.
"Wanting to be the guy who can drink more alcohol than anyone..."
In college, the guy who claimed he could out drink anyone and lined up shots to prove it. We ended up carrying him home after he puked all over the table. He wasn't the only person I witnessed in this predicament. Wanting to be the guy who can drink more alcohol than anyone has always seemed like a weird life goal to me.
"This obnoxious dude..."
This obnoxious dude that I have mutual friends with is always desperate for attention. We were all camping recently and rented a pontoon and of course he 'had' to drive it. Well he intentionally was plowing through wakes because it was 'fun'. Well he hit one so hard the nose dipped and the boat took of a lot of water. Of course it didn't sink but it still infuriated the mother of the 6 month old that was ON BOARD with us. Needless to say he was not very popular for the rest of the weekend.
"I used to be quite good..."
I used to be quite good at (respectfully) chatting up women in bars. My best friend used to come with me and he'd constantly talk about himself and his family and have absolutely no idea how to read a situation or an audience. I remember once he just threw into a conversation about how he makes it his mission to not let women make him cum because of..... reasons? You could literally hear the vaginas drying up in a mile radius.
"I had started going to the gym..."
My dumbass in high school:
I had started going to the gym then and because of that (and a healthy dose of anime), I used to carry my backpack over my shoulder with one hand and would just have the other hand permanently inside my pocket.
I thought I looked cool. I didn't.
Anyway, I was going by the soccer field with a buddy and these group of girls were playing and they happened to kick the ball near me. I was by the goal post. Me still in my "cool posture" thought hey I'll kick the ball in the same posture. It'll look even cooler.
Not only did I miss spectacularly but I also caught my foot in the goal net and fell...with my hands in my pocket.
The girls laughed. My buddy pointed and laughed. I got up and decided I needed to go home.
"Watched an intoxicated man..."
Watched an intoxicated man play a 17 minute cover of Freebird in a (failed) attempt to impress a woman.
No, buddy, she doesn't want to come home with you.
"When my girlfriend and I were driving home..."
When my girlfriend and I were driving home and saw a guy doing shirtless standing pushups and taking flexing selfies on the steps of the church overlooking the main road during rush hour.
"Yeah we can all see you buddy. Wow so cool. He sure is sweating a lot." "Maybe he's so masculine his hairline got intimidated by him and hid on his back."
"Everyone was done with him..."
I studied IT for one semester. And during the "meet everyone" party we noticed that indeed we all looked and behaved rather nerdy, which was awesome. There were a few girls from the psychology department there as well and all of a sudden a guy comes in and immediately throws himself on the girls. When asked what he does he replied with: "I know you can't see it cause I actually take care of my body and my looks but I'm also in IT." Everyone was done with him for the whole night.
"Guy in the front row..."
Crowded college freshman history/religion class. Guy in the front row notices the chair (they're those weird desk/chair hybrid things) he sits in isn't in its normal spot. Rather than picking a different spot, he sits on the ground. The whole 2-hour period.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
