People Share The Coping Mechanisms They Had To Un-Learn After Leaving A Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships can have an affect on a person for ages - even after they are no longer in that situation. People learn survival techniques based on what's likely to earn them the smallest amount of scorn or abuse possible. Those coping mechanisms may be what we have to do in toxic situations, but when it's time to enter the world of healthy relationships those same coping mechanisms can be the proverbial iceberg to our Titanic.
Some of us learn to lie to avoid the fight, or we learn to hide things about ourselves so we don't have to be judged. I, personally, learned to give explicit and overly detailed accounts for every moment of my time and every dollar I earned. I would fret every single moment that I wasn't at home because I knew I needed to know every single detail for questioning later. Otherwise, I would be accused of lying or cheating or whatever else. Even if I drove to do errands my partner sent me on, I would need to remember exactly which route I took, note times and names of everyone I spoke to, remember the colors of the cars around me and what people were wearing etc. Any and/or all of it could be on the "test" later and I had no way of knowing what the punishment for failure to answer his random questions quickly and to his satisfaction would be.
One Reddit user asked:
What survival tactics did you have to unlearn once leaving an abusive/toxic situation? How?
So it turns out I'm not the only one who has learned to be unhealthy in response to a situation that was unhealthy. I mean... it makes sense when you think about it. Toxic water is what gave us the three-eyed Simpsons fish, after all.
Happily, quite a few people can attest that yes - it gets better; but it takes work and time. Here are some of the most popular responses, edited for language when needed.
Sorry/Not Sorry
I had to learn to stop saying sorry for things that were not my fault. I had been conditioned to kind of feel guilt for every bad thing that happened to people around me even when it literally had nothing to do with me. I had to not only learn to stop that, but also stop finding insane ways to justify how it was my fault. I was refusing to let my non-abusive partner take any responsibility just because my abusive one never wanted to accept any and convinced me to go along with it. For example, let's say my husband leaves the oven on. I apologize and insist that I must have distracted him so that's why he forgot and I'm so so sorry. Meanwhile my non-abusive husband is like "ooooooookaaaaaaaay" and doesn't understand how I could possibly think it was my fault.
- effietea
This.
Luckily, later in life I met someone who helped me stop, take a breath, and think before apologizing. I don't think he had any idea how that helped me. I think he was more annoyed or confused by the constant apologies, but he helped me recognize when it was actually appropriate, and even when to choose not to apologize.
Finances and Rationing
My abuser used to control me with finances; I'm disabled and don't have much income so he was the one who handled much of our money. He volunteered to do so, of course, and I didn't realize it was a method of control until I was eventually freed of his manipulation. If I asked to go grocery shopping, for example, I got yelled at for costing him money. It was only "safe" if the shopping was his idea. I got out of that relationship in 2016.
Earlier this year I moved in with my current boyfriend and found myself rationing my half of the groceries (I'm vegetarian and he isn't so we tend to each buy our own stuff for meals). When we got low, I'd go into "survival mode" and only eat one or two meals a day, hoping he would notice we were low on food and suggest shopping soon. He works all day and didn't notice immediately.
When he found out, he was horrified. He sat me down and explained that since he didn't cook much, he didn't tend to notice what our food supplies were like. He assured me, while I was crying HARD from both shame and fear, that if I was ever close to running out of food, it was safe to talk to him about it.
We've since set up a "food fund" so that if we're ever low and he's not around and I'm out of spending money, I have the ability to buy more.
Honestly most of the healing I've done has been because I've noticed a strange behavior in myself and eventually opened up to him about it. We address it together and find a solution.
Don't Fret
I call it fretting, and I had to learn to stop doing it to my husband. When I would get home from work before him, I would get so worried and freaked out about him thinking I was lazy or getting pissed if some random chore wasn't done. So I would like quietly follow him around the house fidgeting with my hands, waiting for him to figure out what he was going to be mad about, so I could fix it before he got too mad. Like if he went in the kitchen to put his lunch box down and if he tried to move a coffee cup off the counter I'd rush over and take the cup from him. Extra bonus freaking out points if he had a long day at work and was quiet.
To be clear, he has never once said or done anything to warrant my fretting. Thanks mom!
It took a while, and mainly it came down to him asking me what the hell I was doing, and us having a lot of long conversations. Hes a good man. Imma go hug him now.
Liar Liar
Keeping secrets. Useless, stupid secrets about things that don't even matter.
Yep me too on this one. I would tell small lies purely because it was easier than dealing with a controlling psycho argument.
Yes. I lie about the dumbest stuff and don't know how to stop. There's times where I actually believe whatever I've made up in my head and I have to investigate whether or not it actually happened.
- liviapng
You don't have to lie about a situation -- making it either completely your fault or completely someone else's -- anymore so they don't hit you. It's a rough road, unlearning lying for survival, lemme tell you that lol
How To Argue
I needed to learn that talking about my feelings was healthy - or even an option. I was taught to bottle up most of my problems growing up because my mom didn't want to hear about them, then as I became an adult I would lash out in anger and get somewhat the results I wanted. So the only arguing skills I have are anger and shutting down. My wife is a saint for understanding but I feel so bad that I don't know how to convey emotions like an adult. It's like pulling teeth trying to express myself.
- Cmmajor
Don't Flinch
Flinching. What got me out of that was realizing that I'm taller and stronger than most people. I couldn't tell you how to avoid it if you're less "physically gifted" than me, though.
I hate it when people laugh when I flinch
"Haha you were hit as a child and it still scars you as an adult"
Last week my boss was 'play scolding' me, but he kept swinging a roll of wrapping paper around as he did, any time the roll went over his head I would flinch, I flinched like 3/4 times in a few minutes, only one co-worker took notice and laughed
I try very hard not to flinch, it hurts my boyfriend's feelings when I do, but if someone is mad at me they really need to keep their hands to their sides
Dodging and flinching are very hard to unlearn. Even now a decade after the fact I tense if someone is behind me and become flinchy if people are angry. It just takes time. Sometimes I hold myself as still as possible so that when people are angry I can observe them instead of waiting for a blow. Even with repressed memories my body knows.
Get Out Of Your Head
Still trying to unlearn it, but shutting down. If a conflict arises or we're trying to discuss an issue I shut down. I was 100% used to my ex exploding, yelling, sobbing, and having those emotions get worse if I tried comforting him or saying anything really, so I just withdrew into myself for awhile. My current SO is very good at communicating and doesn't explode or get upset at me when I instinctively shut down. He's always telling me to get out of my head. It helps, that's one of the things that makes him great.
Food Issues
Not hoarding food away. Mostly I've stopped that by having small amounts of nonperishable, sealed high-calorie food that I know where it is (like protein bars) so that the urge not to waste ANYTHING isn't nearly as strong, I can remind myself that I'm set.
I just now these past couple of years stopped having stress dreams about trying to pack as much high calorie, nutrient-dense, non-perishable food into a bag as possible.
I had a similar discussion with my girlfriend (now ex). I tried really hard to eat healthy and fresh food, but she constantly liked buying boxed items and frozen food. It grew to arguments because I didn't like the temptation of boxed Mac N Cheese.
It wasn't until she thought about it and we talked - she grew up without a lot of food and an uncaring mother. She was terrified of running out of food.
The next day, we bought a box and filled it full of non perishables and stored it in our closet. Her favorite canned food, Boxes of Mac N Cheese, etc. It didn't cost us much, it gave her peace of mind, and we started to eat a lot healthier.
- Shepsus
Responsibility And Expectations
Closing myself off emotionally. I still struggle to form close relationships or even take interest in other people. One thing I did unlearn (mostly) is making other people take responsibility for my feelings. I don't know how exactly I did it, but after having a hissy fit with my therapist for telling me I can't rely on other people to comfort me all the time (I was angry because I didn't know how to comfort myself), and then having a talk with my best friend about this, I somehow slowly learned not to blame other people for me feeling bad.
I also had to learn not to expect of them to make me feel better. It also helped understanding that my expectations could not always be met and to appreciate the fact that people at least try. They don't have to and I need to do my own emotional weight-lifting.
- jinniji
It's Okay To Be Criticized
Sometimes it's okay to be criticized. It doesn't mean you're in for a verbal whooping, it doesn't mean that the boss hates your guts, and it doesn't mean you're a worthless POS. It just means you're human, and you made a mistake. People tell you you're doing it wrong so you can do it better, not to laugh at you.
When I started working, if I didn't know how to do something I had a really hard time asking for help. Usually I would just wing it, and I would usually get it wrong, leaving others having to finish it for me when they found out.
I have had to learn that it's okay to say: "Excuse me, I haven't seen it done like this before, can you please walk me through it?". It's okay the second time to go: "Oh okay, so I do A first, then B, then C?".
It might take you longer to do it the first couple of times, but at least you'll learn, and the others can trust that you know your shit.
Winging it is what will get you in trouble.
Those who grew up between the '80s and early 2000s have a long memory of items and experiences that either went out of style or disappeared completely.
From early PC games to Blockbuster to favorite snacks, there's a lot to miss from childhood.
But the odd thing is how quietly some of these things went away, and how few people seemed to notice.
Feeling nostalgic, Redditor lukiiiiii asked:
"What quietly went away without anyone noticing?"
Top-Notch Abbreviations
"ROFL (Rolling on the Floor Laughing) dropped off of the face of the planet, and now we just go straight from LOL (Laughing Out Loud) to LMAO (Laughing My A** Off)."
"I've been using it way more lately because of this. ROFL; can't let the classics die."
- habofi2125
Save Those Box Tops!
"Actual toys in cereal boxes and Cracker Jack boxes."
- GuttMilton
The Early Facebook Years
"Facebook 'Poke' wars."
- Hot_buttered_toast
How the Times Have Changed
"People calling them 'camera phones.'"
- NecroJoe
Advancing Technology
"When you turn off the TV, how the image would shrink to a dot before slowly fading away."
- ConcreteCubeFarm
TV Connection
"When you turn off the TV and then you run your finger on the screen and hear the crackle and feel the static on the glass."
- iwannaberockstar
Positive Environmental Change
"Acid Rain."
"It was a huge environmental issue in the late 70s through the early 90s. Rain was acidic and damaged fertile areas among other things."
"In the US, there was much research done, and eventually industrial regulations were put into place. Companies were allowed to decide what approach they chose to take as long as the results showed the appropriate amount of reduction in sulfur dioxide emissions."
"Unfortunately, positive news doesn't sell, so news outlets did not do justice to reporting this success. As we went into the 2000s, hardly anyone remembered what was done."
- GurglingWaffle
Can We Say, 'Nom Nom Nom'?
"McDonald's all-day breakfast menu."
- EmeraldAlicorn
Old Pastimes
"The pandemic killed a lot more than just people. I really miss McDonald's all-day breakfast."
"And being able to go to Walmart at 2 AM."
- LyrMeThatBifrost
The Days of Landlines and Cords
"I live in a rural area and have to pay for landline service to have internet. Since I have to pay for something so stupid, I figured I'd have to get something stupid."
"...So I got the hamburger phone from the movie 'Juno.'"
"Not gonna lie, the landline has come in clutch a few times, and holding a hamburger to your ear is amusing every time. 10/10 would recommend."
- Meat_Skeleton
Late-night Grocery Runs
"I think people have noticed now but at the time, nobody noticed it was happening: the closing of 24-hour stores. I live in a major city and we don’t have a single 24-hour grocery store ever since the pandemic."
- anxiousfamily
"In a World Where..."
"Movie trailers with that deep voice guy [Don LaFontaine] doing the voiceovers."
- jonathonkarate
SoBe Drinks
"SoBe. I think the last time I had one was at Quizno's."
"[cue 'X-Files' Music]"
- kooshipuff
Gizzard the Taco Bell Dog
"Taco Bell used to have a chihuahua as their mascot. Little dude just disappeared one day, and anyone born after 2000 probably doesn't even know what I am talking about."
- To_Fight_the_Night
Google+
"Google+ was the only social media our school forgot to block on our laptops, so I used it a lot. RIP."
- AgentBieber
Some of these really brought back some deeply-engrained memories for the '80s to '00s kids, and it's true that many of them blipped out of existence quietly.
But if this teaches us anything, it doesn't mean that "out of sight, out of mind" also has to mean "out of heart."
And let's have a moment of silence for the vocal stylings of Don LaFontaine and Gizzard the talking Taco Bell dog.
We all know that the human body is very complex.
But even with all the recorded and available science, there are certain things about our bodies that continue to elude us, and medical experts can still get stumped about how the human form reacts unpredictably.
Curious to discover some of the mystifying yet unsettling truths about our anatomy, Redditor Hot_Banana_Ice-cream asked:
"What is a creepy fact about the human body?"
Now, observe this.
Visceral Reaction
"If you wear glasses which vertically inverts your vision long enough, your brain will correct it, and you'll see things normal. But when your take those glasses off, everything will look upside-down again until brain recalibrates again."
– shadow29warrior
Brain Assessment
"Our brain filters out a lot of what we see along with just straight making sh*t up based on extrapolation."
– AdmiralClover
The Experiment
"My favorite is the blind spot at the center of each eye, where the optic nerve is."
"A lot of people don't even know it exists, and even if they do, it is bigger than people often think."
"And it's also really easy to demonstrate to people if you know how. It's one of my favorite bar tricks - all you need is a pen and a napkin to draw a cross and a dot."
https://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/capsules/experience_jaune06.html
Alternate demo: https://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/chvision.html
"Edit: If it doesn't work, you're doing something wrong - not getting close enough, the image is too small on your phone, you're not closing the correct eye or not keeping your gaze fixed on the cross."
"It isn't because you don't have a blind spot. Unless you're a squid, you have a blind spot. All vertebrates have them."
– M0dusPwnens
The workings of our innards are out of this world.
The intestines are covered by a double "fleece" of peritoneum. See it like a blanket.
When your intestines get damaged for whatever reason, this blanket starts moving out of itself and crawling upwards towards the place which has the injury. It will stay there until the injury is recovered. And then move on again.
Maybe not the most creepy fact, but definitely interesting in my opinion.
Do Do That Doo-Doo
"We don't just have one anal sphincter. When poo comes along it passes another inner sphincter which isn't under voluntary control."
"Sensory cells can detect whether you're about to pass gas or solid. From toddler age on, you can decide to go or not to go. If the time isn't right (e.g. at a friend's house or no toilet nearby), the inner sphincter can push the poo back and store it there for later."
"That's why sometimes if you need to do a number two but don't go, the urge goes away after about 20 minutes later. (But seriously, go if you can. Constipation risk.)"
"Gas can't be pushed back so easily, so we sometimes toot by accident when moving or engaging the core."
– bmb00zld
The Same Lining
"The inside of your cheek and your rectum are lined by the same type of tissue."
– GasTsnk87
You don't always have control of your body.
Taste Of Curiosity
"The front of your tongue is curious, constantly patrolling, and autonomous. It chases the dentist around your mouth and you aren’t even aware of it. So embarrassing and weird/creepy."
– AdeleBerncastel
Licking Partner
"In dental school, I learned this fact when practicing taking impressions on each other. My buddy’s tongue kept licking my finger. I asked him to quit licking me, and he was like 'I can’t help it!' And then we switched places and my tongue wouldn’t leave him alone.And for those of you that don’t think your tongue does this: some of you are right. But the majority of you just think your tongue is behaving, but it is all over the place without you even knowing."
– recoveringcultmember
Dancing With The Dead
"Bodies will move as they’re coming out of rigor. I’ve been bumped by a few (I’m a coroner). Bodies can also make sounds as the remaining air/ gas leaves… 2am in the morgue and I thought I was in COD zombies."
– Jar-JarShotFirst69
Wonder of wonders.
The Only Way Out
"When you get laser tattoo removal the ink doesn’t disappear, you pee it out."
"Your body’s immune system breaks down the pigments of ink and it flows in your blood stream, gets processed through your kidneys, then you pee out the ink."
– Fine_wonderland
Our soul-containing vessel is a mysterious wonder unique to us.
We should do whatever it takes to take great care of it because it's the only one we've got.
If we don't, they might turn on us.
People Explain Which Companies They Wish Would Go Out Of Business To Help Improve Society
When the global pandemic hit in march of 2020, countless companies saw themselves going under.
Sadly, some companies, from a wide variety of businesses, simply couldn't adapt to working under the parameters of social distancing, or couldn't adapt in time, resulting in them permanently closing their doors.
Many people were sad to see these companies close, while many others were even sadder that some companies managed to pull through and stay open.
Indeed, long before Covid-19 wreaked havoc on the world, some companies and corporations people felt were actually detrimental to society would be doing the world a favor by going out of business.
Redditor param_T_extends_THOT was curious to find out which companies people fell into this less than prolific category, leading them to ask:
"Which company could go out of business tomorrow and it would be to the betterment of this world?"
Nothing Express About It
"Express Scripts."- BadDadJokes
Wildly Different, Yet Equally Unnecessary
"Privatized prisons."
"Glitter manufacturers."- Sped-Connection
Where To Even Begin?
"The church of Scientology?"- dipshipsaidso
Beware The Pyramids
"Any MLM bullsh*t."- Work-Alone
Taylor Swift Would Probably Agree
"Ticketmaster."- Tynesand
You Really Want To Trust Them With Your Money?
"HSBC, one of the largest banks in the world, is a criminal enterprise:"
"In 2012, the bank paid $1.9 billion to settle charges brought by U.S. authorities that it had failed to prevent money laundering by Mexican drug cartels."
"In 2013, HSBC was fined $1.92 billion by US and UK regulators for its role in the manipulation of the London Interbank Offered Rate (LIBOR), a benchmark interest rate."
"In 2014, the bank was charged by the U.S. Department of Justice for violating sanctions against Iran, Sudan, and other countries."
"In 2018, the bank was charged by the US Department of Justice for violating the Bank Secrecy Act and anti-money laundering regulations."
"Also, Nestle."- alecsputnik
Amen!
"Joel Osteen's ministries."- ststeveg
Maybe All Big Pharma?
'Seems like the general consensus is Nestle, but I’ll be weird and say DuPont."
"They’re the reason every living human on the planet has Forever Chemicals running through their bloodstream."-poppidypoppop
"Blinded By The Light"...
"Everyone one that makes blindingly bright low beam bulbs."- RetinaMelter9000s
One Bad Experience Can Ruin It Forever
"Mark's plumbing."- GreenieMachinie93
"Oh The Wells Fargo Wagon Is A Comin' Down The Street..."
"Wells Fargo."- Itchy_Focus_4500
Honestly, Can't Agree With This One
"F*cking TurboTax."- camilofl20
Absolutely Frightening
"Wagner Group.'
"Dirty mercenary army with soldiers for hire."
"They have caused chaos where ever they have gone."
"Syria, Central African Republic, Madagascar, Libya, Venezuela, mali, Mozambique and a few other places, they have no desire to see a peaceful world as that would financially cripple them as a organization."
"Look at what they are doing to the Ukrainian people."
"Despicable organization and they have zero moral compass."- Weary_Violinist_3610
Maybe all Credit Reporting?
"Experian, Equifax, and/or Transunion."
"Leeches on America."- compusmack
Can't Help But Say It, Did She Really Think "goop" Was An Appealing Name?
"Comcast & goop."- celeresaharano·
Be it poor customer service, questionable business practices, or just plain fraud, it's hard not to agree that any or all of these companies would not be missed should they close their doors.
After all, when a health and wellness brand openly tells you that some or all of its products may not actually improve your health or wellness, that just about says it all.
...even if Shakespeare in Love remains a romantic gem...
Even if society as a whole seems to become more tolerant with each passing year, bullying still remains an ever-growing problem.
Particularly at schools.
Some might say bullying has only gotten worse, as social media often means children are no longer safe when they're out of school hallways and in the comfort of their own homes.
What is perhaps most disturbing and perplexing about bullying is there is never a justifiable reason for people to behave so appallingly.
Often, children bully other children to make them seem cool or powerful in the eyes of others.
Most of the time, they will also pinpoint a certain thing about their helpless victims as a feeble excuse to justify their bullying.
"What were you bullied for?"
Trying Too Hard
"I was socially awkward."
"I also was greatly motivated to be liked."
"I did a lot of sh*t trying to be liked that in hindsight, made me unliked."- EVEseven
Health Conditions Beyond Their Control
"Eczema which often affected my face."- Puffs01
Name Calling? Seriously?
"I was called a biscuit head, because my head was shaped like a biscuit."- cerakaz
It's Not Like They Chose It.
"My name."- maximus12121
Only Cowards Don't Pick On People Their Own Size
"Being the small kid."- occamhanlon
Picking On People For Keeping To Themselves? Just Cruel.
"For being the quiet kid."- actuallyjohnqmind
No Reason Whatsoever
"To this day, I really don't know."
"Something happened in the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade that made a bunch of people decide that they didn't like me anymore, including my best friend.'
"I only had two friends left until my family moved away in the middle of 7th grade."
"Bullies would follow me home most days and my mom finally had to verbally super-saiyan a few parents down the street to get them to take it down a notch."
"I finally asked one of them what I ever did to them, and they said 'you were born'."
"How do you even respond to that statement."
"I just got a sharp pang after seeing that phrase again."- msprang
Ignoring It Is Enabling It
"I was bullied from age 6 to age 13 every day for my surname (a word for a hunchback in my language) , my looks, my nature, me knowing English, reading, drawing and just existing overall."
"I f*cking hated middle school."
"My mom tried standing up for me, but no one cares in Slavic countries and the teachers didn't give a sh*t even though they saw everything, it's all part of growing up."
"My father ignored my constant tears and the terror I experienced in those years."
"I was attacked, beaten, and targeted whenever i would leave my flat."
"I was stabbed with screwdrivers and dull knives, chased around the neighborhood by kids on bikes while they threw rocks at me."
"I was only invited to birthday parties so that the kids would have someone to terrorize and gang up on."
"I always hated birthdays, but my mom though maybe the children would be kinder to me out of school."
"But that's that."
"Once I began high school I was around all new people, and I decided to play as a tough girl and stood up for myself on the get-go."
"But it turns out art school mostly brought other bullied kids together and I had the 4 best years of my life there with other kind and loving people who just wanted to make friends and have fun."- Cropalitet
Knowing They Wouldn't Fight Back
"Being easy to walk over."
"I had a really hard time asserting myself."
"So being 'too nice'."
"But really, just very insecure."- idolovehummus
Classism
"Being poor."
"And my mom smoked continuously so being poor and smelly."
"Kids are brutal."
"For those that can relate I'm wishing you all the best for where you are now."
"We are a product of where we came from but that doesn't define who we are today."
"For those that can't relate, I'm so glad you had a different childhood and also hope you are doing well."
"And for those that find this is their moment to continue to bully, I hope kindness finds you and helps you with whatever you need to have a brighter day."- Evil-ish
Red Hair Is Beautiful, And Don't Ever Forget It
"Glasses, red hair, and freckles."
"Opie, Howdy Doody, and red-headed step child jokes all the way through school."- espifer
"Having red hair."- DeplorableKurt
In Other Words, Just For Being Yourself
"As a black kid, in a predominantly black area:
"Wearing glasses and having braces."
"Being fat."
"Being nice."
"Being smart."
"Liking Anime."
"Wanting to be a Pilot (influenced by the Anime I liked the most)."
"But guess what?"
"I'm a f*cking Pilot now."- ApacheOc3lot
Perhaps the saddest, or most infuriating, cases of bullying are when people bully others for sharing likes or interests they have themselves.
Case in point, and true story: being bullied constantly through 2nd and 3rd grade for liking Mighty Morphin Power Rangers."
Only to see several of the people who bullied you express their excitement at the release of the 2017 film version of Power Rangers on Facebook.
Some children are just, plain cruel...