People Share The Coping Mechanisms They Had To Un-Learn After Leaving A Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships can have an affect on a person for ages - even after they are no longer in that situation. People learn survival techniques based on what's likely to earn them the smallest amount of scorn or abuse possible. Those coping mechanisms may be what we have to do in toxic situations, but when it's time to enter the world of healthy relationships those same coping mechanisms can be the proverbial iceberg to our Titanic.
Some of us learn to lie to avoid the fight, or we learn to hide things about ourselves so we don't have to be judged. I, personally, learned to give explicit and overly detailed accounts for every moment of my time and every dollar I earned. I would fret every single moment that I wasn't at home because I knew I needed to know every single detail for questioning later. Otherwise, I would be accused of lying or cheating or whatever else. Even if I drove to do errands my partner sent me on, I would need to remember exactly which route I took, note times and names of everyone I spoke to, remember the colors of the cars around me and what people were wearing etc. Any and/or all of it could be on the "test" later and I had no way of knowing what the punishment for failure to answer his random questions quickly and to his satisfaction would be.
One Reddit user asked:
What survival tactics did you have to unlearn once leaving an abusive/toxic situation? How?
So it turns out I'm not the only one who has learned to be unhealthy in response to a situation that was unhealthy. I mean... it makes sense when you think about it. Toxic water is what gave us the three-eyed Simpsons fish, after all.
Happily, quite a few people can attest that yes - it gets better; but it takes work and time. Here are some of the most popular responses, edited for language when needed.
Sorry/Not Sorry
I had to learn to stop saying sorry for things that were not my fault. I had been conditioned to kind of feel guilt for every bad thing that happened to people around me even when it literally had nothing to do with me. I had to not only learn to stop that, but also stop finding insane ways to justify how it was my fault. I was refusing to let my non-abusive partner take any responsibility just because my abusive one never wanted to accept any and convinced me to go along with it. For example, let's say my husband leaves the oven on. I apologize and insist that I must have distracted him so that's why he forgot and I'm so so sorry. Meanwhile my non-abusive husband is like "ooooooookaaaaaaaay" and doesn't understand how I could possibly think it was my fault.
- effietea
This.
Luckily, later in life I met someone who helped me stop, take a breath, and think before apologizing. I don't think he had any idea how that helped me. I think he was more annoyed or confused by the constant apologies, but he helped me recognize when it was actually appropriate, and even when to choose not to apologize.
Finances and Rationing
My abuser used to control me with finances; I'm disabled and don't have much income so he was the one who handled much of our money. He volunteered to do so, of course, and I didn't realize it was a method of control until I was eventually freed of his manipulation. If I asked to go grocery shopping, for example, I got yelled at for costing him money. It was only "safe" if the shopping was his idea. I got out of that relationship in 2016.
Earlier this year I moved in with my current boyfriend and found myself rationing my half of the groceries (I'm vegetarian and he isn't so we tend to each buy our own stuff for meals). When we got low, I'd go into "survival mode" and only eat one or two meals a day, hoping he would notice we were low on food and suggest shopping soon. He works all day and didn't notice immediately.
When he found out, he was horrified. He sat me down and explained that since he didn't cook much, he didn't tend to notice what our food supplies were like. He assured me, while I was crying HARD from both shame and fear, that if I was ever close to running out of food, it was safe to talk to him about it.
We've since set up a "food fund" so that if we're ever low and he's not around and I'm out of spending money, I have the ability to buy more.
Honestly most of the healing I've done has been because I've noticed a strange behavior in myself and eventually opened up to him about it. We address it together and find a solution.
Don't Fret
I call it fretting, and I had to learn to stop doing it to my husband. When I would get home from work before him, I would get so worried and freaked out about him thinking I was lazy or getting pissed if some random chore wasn't done. So I would like quietly follow him around the house fidgeting with my hands, waiting for him to figure out what he was going to be mad about, so I could fix it before he got too mad. Like if he went in the kitchen to put his lunch box down and if he tried to move a coffee cup off the counter I'd rush over and take the cup from him. Extra bonus freaking out points if he had a long day at work and was quiet.
To be clear, he has never once said or done anything to warrant my fretting. Thanks mom!
It took a while, and mainly it came down to him asking me what the hell I was doing, and us having a lot of long conversations. Hes a good man. Imma go hug him now.
Liar Liar
Keeping secrets. Useless, stupid secrets about things that don't even matter.
Yep me too on this one. I would tell small lies purely because it was easier than dealing with a controlling psycho argument.
Yes. I lie about the dumbest stuff and don't know how to stop. There's times where I actually believe whatever I've made up in my head and I have to investigate whether or not it actually happened.
- liviapng
You don't have to lie about a situation -- making it either completely your fault or completely someone else's -- anymore so they don't hit you. It's a rough road, unlearning lying for survival, lemme tell you that lol
How To Argue
I needed to learn that talking about my feelings was healthy - or even an option. I was taught to bottle up most of my problems growing up because my mom didn't want to hear about them, then as I became an adult I would lash out in anger and get somewhat the results I wanted. So the only arguing skills I have are anger and shutting down. My wife is a saint for understanding but I feel so bad that I don't know how to convey emotions like an adult. It's like pulling teeth trying to express myself.
- Cmmajor
Don't Flinch
Flinching. What got me out of that was realizing that I'm taller and stronger than most people. I couldn't tell you how to avoid it if you're less "physically gifted" than me, though.
I hate it when people laugh when I flinch
"Haha you were hit as a child and it still scars you as an adult"
Last week my boss was 'play scolding' me, but he kept swinging a roll of wrapping paper around as he did, any time the roll went over his head I would flinch, I flinched like 3/4 times in a few minutes, only one co-worker took notice and laughed
I try very hard not to flinch, it hurts my boyfriend's feelings when I do, but if someone is mad at me they really need to keep their hands to their sides
Dodging and flinching are very hard to unlearn. Even now a decade after the fact I tense if someone is behind me and become flinchy if people are angry. It just takes time. Sometimes I hold myself as still as possible so that when people are angry I can observe them instead of waiting for a blow. Even with repressed memories my body knows.
Get Out Of Your Head
Still trying to unlearn it, but shutting down. If a conflict arises or we're trying to discuss an issue I shut down. I was 100% used to my ex exploding, yelling, sobbing, and having those emotions get worse if I tried comforting him or saying anything really, so I just withdrew into myself for awhile. My current SO is very good at communicating and doesn't explode or get upset at me when I instinctively shut down. He's always telling me to get out of my head. It helps, that's one of the things that makes him great.
Food Issues
Not hoarding food away. Mostly I've stopped that by having small amounts of nonperishable, sealed high-calorie food that I know where it is (like protein bars) so that the urge not to waste ANYTHING isn't nearly as strong, I can remind myself that I'm set.
I just now these past couple of years stopped having stress dreams about trying to pack as much high calorie, nutrient-dense, non-perishable food into a bag as possible.
I had a similar discussion with my girlfriend (now ex). I tried really hard to eat healthy and fresh food, but she constantly liked buying boxed items and frozen food. It grew to arguments because I didn't like the temptation of boxed Mac N Cheese.
It wasn't until she thought about it and we talked - she grew up without a lot of food and an uncaring mother. She was terrified of running out of food.
The next day, we bought a box and filled it full of non perishables and stored it in our closet. Her favorite canned food, Boxes of Mac N Cheese, etc. It didn't cost us much, it gave her peace of mind, and we started to eat a lot healthier.
- Shepsus
Responsibility And Expectations
Closing myself off emotionally. I still struggle to form close relationships or even take interest in other people. One thing I did unlearn (mostly) is making other people take responsibility for my feelings. I don't know how exactly I did it, but after having a hissy fit with my therapist for telling me I can't rely on other people to comfort me all the time (I was angry because I didn't know how to comfort myself), and then having a talk with my best friend about this, I somehow slowly learned not to blame other people for me feeling bad.
I also had to learn not to expect of them to make me feel better. It also helped understanding that my expectations could not always be met and to appreciate the fact that people at least try. They don't have to and I need to do my own emotional weight-lifting.
- jinniji
It's Okay To Be Criticized
Sometimes it's okay to be criticized. It doesn't mean you're in for a verbal whooping, it doesn't mean that the boss hates your guts, and it doesn't mean you're a worthless POS. It just means you're human, and you made a mistake. People tell you you're doing it wrong so you can do it better, not to laugh at you.
When I started working, if I didn't know how to do something I had a really hard time asking for help. Usually I would just wing it, and I would usually get it wrong, leaving others having to finish it for me when they found out.
I have had to learn that it's okay to say: "Excuse me, I haven't seen it done like this before, can you please walk me through it?". It's okay the second time to go: "Oh okay, so I do A first, then B, then C?".
It might take you longer to do it the first couple of times, but at least you'll learn, and the others can trust that you know your shit.
Winging it is what will get you in trouble.
Comedy is in a very tricky place right now.
There is so much to NOT laugh about in this world.
In truth, many of us have forgotten how to laugh.
And certain jokes that are told, make people afraid to laugh.
So what do we do?
We tell inappropriate jokes apparently.
Let's hear some...
Redditor CrewCreation wanted to hear some "risky" comedy. So they asked:
"What’s the best morbid joke you know?"
***WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SENSITIVE MATERIAL. PROCEED WITH CAUTION!***
I can't think of anything hilarious at the moment. Make us LOL.
Lady
"I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like 'Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him.'"
UnoriginalUse
at 9am...
"Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s. 'One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife.'"
"'Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it… just to see the smile on his face.”
dreagan021
Comedy?
"Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is."
GW2RNGR
"Why can't orphans play tennis? They get confused when they hear love."
JayDub506
People who make comedy are evil. LOL.
The Darkness
"Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it."
storm_the_castle
God Laughs?
"A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says 'I guess you had to be there.'"
“'I guess you had to be there' is a common expression used when someone doesn’t laugh at a joke. It means that the comedy may not translate without the context of the situation."
"In this case the Holocaust survivor is saying it, meaning that during the Holocaust God was nowhere to be found. It’s not really a joke about the Holocaust, but the absurdity of belief in a benevolent God. Hilarious right?"
semimillennial
Oh Baby
"How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb? More than 3 cause my garage is still dark."
sirnibs3
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Because I don't know what it says about us as people if we laugh. Oye.
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Life can change in an instant.
It can always change for the better.
Just ask any lottery winner.
Sadly, life can also take a turn for the worst and leave people shattered beyond repair.
Watching someone's life fall apart in a short amount of time is difficult.
You have to wonder if there really is such a thing as karma, bad luck, or Voodoo.
Redditor OkImagination5852 wanted to hear about the times we've been witness to personal disaster. They asked:
"People who witness a person's life crumble in a single day, what happened?"
I have lived through a lot of bad days. But thankfully they've been one disaster at a time days. So I guess I'm lucky.
Horror
"A friend of a friend had his entire family killed overnight. He was from my college and was home visiting his family. His parents, siblings, and extended family were all there together. One night, while they were all asleep, his father got up, took out a gun, and went on a shooting spree. He then killed himself."
"Everyone except this guy died on the spot. When my friend visited him at the hospital, the guy was still in shock. He had no idea why his father did that. This was more than a decade ago, and I have no idea how he's doing now."
DeadOnDeparture98
The IRS Called
"Knew a guy who had a nice house, wife, 3 kids. Machine shop in his garage, Snap On tool truck, sign out front, great mechanic. Never incorporated, didn't pay taxes on his business, cash only. Took nice vacations, bought a boat, then a camper. Five years later, the IRS came. I don't know what they estimated he owed but they seized everything. He lives alone in a trailer now."
Nobody_Wins_13
2 at Once
"My mom’s dad and dad’s mom both died on the same day. Completely unrelated. We were pretty messed up for awhile. It was 2010. Mom's dad had emphysema (lifetime smoker) and was pretty sick for a few weeks. I was in college at the time and came home to be with him, because we knew he was about to pass. Dad's mom was in the nursing home, as she had had a stroke and also had dementia (she often thought I was my dad, she thought we were in the 70s, etc.)."
"She took a turn for the worst, and so my dad left the hospice my grandpa was at and went to be with her. The towns they were in were about an hour apart, so I stayed behind with my mom to comfort her when her dad passed. A few hours go by, and he passes peacefully (huge thanks to the hospice workers for their respect and grace during this time)."
"Within an hour or so of his passing, we get a call from my dad saying that his mother had passed as well. It was a terribly dark day in our family, and the next couple years for me in college were pretty much a blur. Thankfully, things got better in time and we are all doing well now."
She lost everything...
"Her husband left her after previously persuading her to remortgage their house to save his business and he's already made her take multiple credit cards out in her name. She lost everything. He did it the week after their youngest turned 18 so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He'd obviously been planning for years."
Ieatclowns
a black sheep...
"My cousin was in a motorcycle accident with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend died. She broke her back. When she was in the hospital she learned she was pregnant. It's been 16 years and we're still trying our best, she took an all too familiar path of drugs, burning bridges and more pregnancies."
"At this point she's fairly stable and clean as far as I know but a bit of a black sheep. Her mother has custody of all one of her kids. She has her youngest and seems to be doing good by her, but who knows. It's been hard on everyone, especially her mother and her brother."
Paradigm6790
Well this is the stuff of nightmares. I'm grateful for every moment I have alive.
Several lawsuits are filed...
"Here is multiple lives ruined in an instant. A friend was over at some other people house, drugs were involved. They had been playing with a gun. My friend points the gun at a girl, pulls the trigger and shoots her in the head. Girl dies, friend gets locked up until he turns 18. Parents at the house get arrested because they knew what the kids were doing. Friends mom goes into a depression and ends up getting evicted from her house. Several lawsuits are filed."
sentondan
Gone Forever
"It was me... got in a car accident and suffered a traumatic spinal and brain injury that I had no chance of surviving... a 7 vertebrae spinal fusion, yrs of physical and mental therapy... 18 yrs later and the pieces, though many forever gone, are finally coming back together."
2boneskuLL
A Bad Night
"He trashed his fathers vacation house with an axe before setting it on fire, stabbed the neighbor nearly to death, stole their car and then crashed it into a cop car so bad the cops were injured. He also got his girl pregnant, so once he is out of prison they're gonna start a family."
Dumbing_It_Down
"dangerous"
"Pregnant friend found out husband (43) was having an affair with young woman (19) who was a volunteer at their ecolodge. Friend had 'dangerous' pregnancy and had to spend a lot of time in bed. This betrayal destroyed their marriage, split the little town where they lived and caused two employees to quit because witnessing the affair going on was just too painful."
"She had a beautiful baby girl (to go with her other two girls, lol) and after the breakup was clinically depressed. Worked hard and got a divorce (she had a great lawyer); got the business back on track; beat her depression and now is planning a great vacation trip with her girls."
"Meantime, Dad has generous visitation but just 'hasn't gotten around to' buying a car seat so he can pick up the baby and for a long time asked my friend, 'Can you drop the girls off at my Mom's?'"
NoBSforGma
Lost it All...
"Recently, I know of a guy that had borrowed all his family’s life savings for the most part to participate in the whole game stop stock thing happening… he lost every penny of his money (credit card advances), and his parents retirement, and every other dime he could get… it makes me sick to even think of it."
Bangbangsmashsmash
Well those are A LOT of bad days. Good luck to all of you.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
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Those who are wealthy have the luxury of acquiring the best of the best–whether it's dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant or status-identifying clothing from Chanel or Yves Saint Laurent.
But even the rich have their limits when it comes to frivolous spending before casting judgment on friends or colleagues.
Curious to hear examples of this, Redditor Sasquatchfl asked:
"Rich people of Reddit, what's the craziest/most unethical thing you've seen people in your circle spend money on?"
Expensive experiences were a priority over prized possessions.
Live Sushi
"An ex worked for Dell in the late 90s/early 2000s. He was pretty high up and there were lots of partiers in his work circle. Went to a party hosted by one of the dellionaires and there was a body sushi girl. I don’t know what was paid to her, but it was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen."
– 5hrs4hrs3hrs2hrs1mor
Pissing Contest
"Paid a group of homeless guys to only use the bathroom on a competitors business. Eventually bought that place for a massive discount."
– Haboobalub
Let's Work Out
"My mother woke up one morning and said she felt she was way too fat and she wanted to get a treadmill. The treadmill wouldn’t be a problem, but then she saw where it would be and didn’t like the lighting. Fast forward 2 months later there’s a 40k outdoor gym built and connected to the house. She hasn’t used it once."
– Herrera5449_
Taking A Leap
"Travelled with a bunch of ex 'friends' all fairly wealthy."
"First trip to SE Asia together and as an ex-local I was a de-facto tour guide (despite not being there in over a decade)"
"They somehow found and offered a bunch of kids diving off cliffs to jump for spare change."
"They increasingly challenged each other to land their coins as close to the cliff base and small surrounding rocks for the kids to dive for."
– Satakans
It's about the finer things in life.
Expensive Party Gag
"A 3k ouija board from Gwen Paltrow's store. I didn't even know it was a thing until the dude brought it out. I really wanted to cut it up and see what it was made from. Looked nice don't get me wrong but the thing is basically a party gag. For 3 grand, it better summon a demon that's all I'm saying."
– con_this
Slow Burn
"$600 USD for a candle."
– Jeffranks
It's not always about the things you acquire.
Minor Inconvenience
"I know a guy who went to get a new drivers license and had to pay ~$100k in back parking tickets, then joked about it after."
"Apparently he couldn't get a permit to park in front of his house, so he just did anyway, and accepted like a $200 fine everyday."
– melodyze
For A Successful Election
"Not me, but I know a guy who crowd funded (read: threw a bunch of money into, then solicited more at a flea market) $80,000 toward his friend's DA election campaign. The guy won. So far, this has paid back at least $120K in avoided legal fees. I know some rich people. Most of them are more boring than you think. Hell, most of them drive Hondas, Toyotas, and Nissans."
– KP_Wrath
The Lance Corporal
"I was stationed with a Lance Corporal who was wealthy beyond means after selling some of his patents. He owned and piloted four helicopters. Lived in a palatial waterfront house in Jacksonville, NC."
"The cheapest one cost 400K. That's the one he trained on. The most expensive was about 1.2 million. That's 1.2 million 1981 dollars. The two he's got now are about 5 million each."
"Had a floating landing pad out back moored to his dock and another landing pad in the back yard. Kept two helicopters and a Rolls inside his custom-built hangar at Norfolk International Airport."
"He drove a pair of Rolls-Royces. He also toyed with a 900K Miami-Vice type speedboat. He also housed and transported his squad to Camp Lejeune and back in a custom mini-bus."
– ApplicationConnect55
The dude was very giving and lived a very clean life. He'd fly us to Norfolk, pickup the car and we'd do our shopping and eating. Hop in a chopper and return home. He'd fly his fire team down to Miami on weekends. He kept a Limo there and wore a chauffer's outfit and did all the driving.
He bought a full-service and licensed pub in Northern Ireland. He lives there with his wife. Does a lot of charity work there. We still keep in touch."
– ApplicationConnect55
When there's plenty of money going around, there's no need to worry about a single thing.
That peace of mind is a luxury in itself.
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When marriages or relationships fall apart, infidelity is not always the cause.
Curious to hear from strangers online, Redditor Liam_Tang asked:
"People who've divorced, aside from adultery, what were the irreconcilable differences that ended the marriage?"

You think you know a person when you walk down the aisle.
These Redditors were in for a rude awakening.
Pet Neglect
"My wife divorced her ex for many reasons, but the final straw was when she went out of town for a few days, and when she got back he had not fed or given water to the dog. The dog lived a long and happy life after that."
– StrangeCrimes
Obsessed With A Crush
"Not me, but I had an old coworker that divorced his wife for spending their entire savings on candy crush and games of the same type."
– Hexis40
Compatibility Musts
"ITT: Intimacy (sex/romance), beliefs (religion/spirituality/politics), kids, and I haven’t seen it yet but it’s coming: finances."
"The big four. You REALLY need to discuss these things in detail BEFORE getting married."
– rabbiskittles
Physical violence is a legit reason for people to peace out of a relationship.
The Flattening
"She threatened to hit me with a hammer."
– michaelrohansmith
Hitting The Bottle
"She became an abusive alcoholic. It was sad but I had to get out."
– diegojones4
Emotional pain is too damaging to recover from.
Truth Hurts
"She told me as we stood in front of the judge ending our 7 year marriage, 'I never loved you, I just wanted kids.'"
– Pinch_Dogs
Can't Fix Angry
"She was beautiful/smart but an angry angry person. I thought I could be sweet to her and 'fix' that. Heh. She kicked the crap out of me emotionally. Wife II has been a walk in the roses for 32 years now :)"
– lowlandr
A change of heart is worthless if comes too late.
"We Could've Had A Nice Marriage
"He could not understand that my wants and needs were as important as his wants and needs. We tried to make it work for 7 years. During that time, for things that were really important to me, I tried explaining logically, asking nicely, begging, crying, yelling, passive aggressiveness... cycled back through all of these options multiple times."
"(If I knew something was important to him, I would do that. For example, he was really into sports, so I went to all his events, even though that is not at all my thing.) When I finally threw up my hands and told him it was time to get a divorce, he suddenly panicked and said 'What can I do? Do you want me to do half the chores? I'll do it! Do you want me to get a job? I'll do it! Do you want me to buy you presents for your birthday? I'll do it!'"
"So, in other words, he could have been doing that all along, but just couldn't be bothered. That made me so angry. We could have had a nice marriage that we both enjoyed, but no, by the time he saw the light, that ship had sailed."
"We are both happily remarried now (to different people) and I joke that his new wife owes me a thank you note. It was his experience with me that taught him to listen to her and take her needs seriously."
– Bluebird-True
"What Can I Do?"
"My ex was exactly like this. I didn't marry him but when I told him let's break up, he went all like, what can I do? Let's get engaged, let's look at houses, etc. Basically all the pre-marriage topics that we should be discussing about after being together for 7 years."
"I got so angry and straight up told him it's too late... I don't need you anymore."
– gudetarako
As much as a couple wants to stay together, unforeseen circumstances can eventually tear people apart.
Very few people can maintain healthy long-distance relationships.
When a new job opportunity takes a significant other away, would you begrudge them for wanting a better position to earn more money? Or is it better for them to reluctantly turn down the opportunity so they could stay with you? Do either scenarios breed resentment?
These were questions I've often asked myself with past relationships, and my answers varied depending on the person I was with.
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