People Imagine The Funniest Things To Say Before Getting Put Under Anesthesia
People Imagine The Funniest Things To Say Before Getting Put Under Anesthesia[rebelmouse-image 18354387 is_animated_gif=
Anesthesia is fun, it's ok, you can admit it. But before that milk of amnesia flows, what do you want to say? My gastroenterologist used to say, "see you on the inside" before a colonoscopy.
Jamarcus_Haag asked, What would be a funny thing to say to a surgeon before anesthesia kicks in 5 seconds later?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Narrator: it worked.[rebelmouse-image 18354388 is_animated_gif=
Last thing I remember saying before a minor surgery, "I know what you're trying to do to me, and it's not gonna work."
What a great way to confuse people.[rebelmouse-image 18354389 is_animated_gif=
Related: Penn Jillette told a story of someone he knows in the medical field who would count down with the patient as they go "under". The same person would be there as the patient regains consciousness and would continue counting from where they left off.
I remember my surgeon in April saying, "ok, now you're gonna..." then I woke up.[rebelmouse-image 18354390 is_animated_gif=
I had seen two orthopedists for my seriously broken ankle. One was nice and pretty quiet, but the other one was an obnoxious smartass (I really liked him.) I thought the quiet one was doing my surgery but I was just about to go under when I saw this face looming over me. He was wearing a surgical mask but I saw the mischievous blue eyes and said "oh shit! It's YOU!" He responded with a maniacal laugh, and next thing I knew I woke up feeling like I was about to puke.
Waking up outside the operating room can throw you way off.[rebelmouse-image 18354391 is_animated_gif=
I was having my wisdom teeth removed and as they were knocking me out they had set me up to the heart rate monitor. I then started playing with it by changing my breathing rate making it beep faster and slowing down. The last thing I remembered was the nurse asking if I was okay and I replied, "Yeah, just playing with the heart rate monitor." Midsentence I had knocked out and when I came back to, I was finishing what I was saying, but then realized I was in another room and had no memory of sleeping, so I suddenly screamed. "I TELEPORTED!"
There would definitely be a story to tell. Or would there?[rebelmouse-image 18354393 is_animated_gif=
"Wake me up if I die."
After my first surgery, I woke up trying to order pizza from my mother.[rebelmouse-image 18354394 is_animated_gif=
I was going on for brain surgery. They had given me the injection about a half hour before wheeling me into the OR, so I was pretty loopy when we got there. There was like 15 people in scrubs waiting. My wife reassured me, "Look, there's a whole army of people here to take care of you!"
I replied, "Oh no, how are we going to feed them?"
My gastroenterologist used to say, "see you on the inside."[rebelmouse-image 18354395 is_animated_gif=
I had to go in for a colonoscopy, the awesomeness of getting old... As I was about to go under, I looked at the doctor and said: "safe word is waffle." He laughed and then I was out cold.
From the story it sounds like a premature discharge.[rebelmouse-image 18354396 is_animated_gif=
I woke up very groggily from surgery to the nurse saying "You're about to be discharged, sweetie."
My croaking response: "Is it an honorable discharge?"
This kid got the good stuff.[rebelmouse-image 18354397 is_animated_gif=
When I had my tonsils removed, my mom told me I said
"Where did all these spiders come from? " just like, out of nowhere a bit before I passed out.
I've said the same thing, and I distinctly remember laughter.[rebelmouse-image 18354398 is_animated_gif=
I remember telling the nurse "I don't feel woozy at all stop chatting sh_t and operate" thank God I fell asleep straight after that.
I'll have what he's having. Why not make it an adventure?[rebelmouse-image 18354399 is_animated_gif=
Had a few brain surgeries but before the last one, the anesthesiologist didn't properly secure my mask so I wasn't falling asleep. I was tripping out on fentanyl and just sat up and looked around. The doctors all surprise quickly because I'm supposed to be sleeping so they come over to fix the mask. I stop them and say (again, I'm tripping out on meds):
"Guys, guys, guys... wait, wait, wait - I'm serious here... Don't f_ck up" and then I start belly-laughing as hard as I ever had. I even had my brain-surgeon laughing himself to tears.
Speaking in tongues after surgery? What did they do to you?[rebelmouse-image 18345656 is_animated_gif=
This was post-surgery, and I don't even remember doing this. When I woke up, I immediately started yelling "AGUA! AGUA!" (I don't speak Spanish). The nurse finally understood and asked me, "Do you mean water?" and I shouted back, "No, agua!"
I had a resident tell me, "I'll be working on you, it's my first day."[rebelmouse-image 18354400 is_animated_gif=
The surgical nurses were laughing at something while I was wheeled in, so I said "Wow, sounds like a party in here. I guess I'm the piñata." I heard laughter as I blacked out.
When you're responsible to the bitter end.[rebelmouse-image 18354401 is_animated_gif=
Before I went under I slurred, "one of you's gonna hafta drive I'm f_cked up" - brought the house down.
It can be intimidating having all those people watch, give them a show.[rebelmouse-image 18354402 is_animated_gif=
True story. I was doing my clinical rounds for RN school at a surgical center. We saw a lot of colonoscopies that day. The very last one was a young guy....maybe 36ish. He was really timid about having nursing students watch his procedure, but the doctor assured him we would be professional and he said OK. Anesthesia was pushed in and they were rolling him on his side to start sticking the camera up his butt, when he whips around saying, "wait wait wait..." looks at us (me and another student nurse) and says, "My wife says I have an a** like a cherry!" We hold our laughs in, nurses turn him back around, then again he whips around: "wait wait wait!" Points at me with a shooting gun finger and says very coolly, "I'll see you (winks eye) up my BUTTHOOOOOOLE!!!" Then passes out. The doc busted out laughing and so did we. I like to tell that story to anyone that's going to get a colonoscopy hahaha!!!
Morphine really can take you places.[rebelmouse-image 18354403 is_animated_gif=
I woke up after the anesthesia and I remember the nurses laughing at me because I thought I was the medic in Saving Private Ryan. What did I say? "Mmmmmmmm-morphine, I've been hit!"
My name is "let's get this over with."[rebelmouse-image 18354404 is_animated_gif=
When I was going in for a hernia surgery, the hospital had a practice of asking you to confirm your name, birthday, and reason you're here multiple times before you go under.
The last time they asked as the anesthesiologist held the mask, I replied "surgical male enhancement", to which she laughed and put the mask on anyway.
Talk about driving on a 'high'way...[rebelmouse-image 18354405 is_animated_gif=
I was getting surgery and was awake being wheeled into the OR. At the time I was a younger kid, who loved Mario Kart, so when my gurney started getting pushed down the hall I sat up, held my hands like a steering wheel, said "It's a me, Mario!", and then made driving sound effects all the way to the OR, where my surgeon burst out laughing seeing me wheeled in like that.
You've been warned, have that coffee ready.[rebelmouse-image 18354406 is_animated_gif=
Before my last surgery: "keep your distance, I don't wake up nice."
They asked me what that meant when I woke up afterward. And then I had to tell them I'd punched a nurse after a previous surgery because I'd woken up while I was still intubated.
What could possibly go wrong?[rebelmouse-image 18354407 is_animated_gif=
I had knee surgery right after Michael Jackson died. The doc said to me, "This is what Michael Jackson used to go to sleep." I did not find it funny and was very mad for about four seconds.
One would think we're in a place in time where all conversations should be easy.
But that is not the case.
So much is still too "taboo" to be truthful about.
It is so frustrating.
There is so much to discuss.
Being shy is understandable, but it's something that we can all get over.
Redditor No_One_Special34 wanted to breakdown some barriers with a few simple conversations, so they asked:
"What is a taboo subject that should be talked about more?"
"Child/infant death. When my daughter died a bunch of people just... stopped talking to me altogether."
"I'm sorry to hear about your child."
"A 7-year-old was hit by a truck last week near my son's kg. I've never met the boy but I have had nightmares about it. I can't imagine what the parents are going thru right now. I can't imagine what you are going through."
"This happened to my mom when my brother died. Nobody knew what to say so few people said anything, and then it was treated like it didn’t happen."
The Aging Process
"We are a disgustingly ageist society. No wonder people pay BILLIONS for plastic surgery, hair color, and fitness, etc to stay relevant and not be thought of as useless or 'other.' It’s so very hateful. I think our society fears old age and death. It’s a f**king pathos."
"THANK YOU! I'm a 20-year paramedic. One of the things that I really hoped COVID would shed a light on is the absolutely abhorrent treatment of our elderly and infirmed. The 'treatment' in far too many nursing homes is negligent to a criminal level."
"Household budgets and finance - how much your parents make, how much is the mortgage, car insurance, car payment, and so on."
"That's easy. House, two cars, three kids, stay-at-home wife, pets, college tuition for everyone in the bank, a summer cottage home by the lake, and a hobby like golf should all do if you're a hardworking drug dealer nowadays."
"Agreed! We have gone into detail about our finances with our kids. We have them pick jobs on LinkedIn and a home on Zillow and budget so expenses and have them watch as they realize they can't afford expensive stuff on a crap salary. It's been really great."
Look for the Signs...
"Many people tend to assume that abusive people look creepy/scary and behave badly in general, but they don't seem to get that anyone can be abusive, regardless of appearance or demeanor. An abusive person can easily be charming, attractive, funny, witty, etc."
"Just because you think someone has a few positive qualities does not mean they're incapable of abuse."
"If someone's child 'seems' happy and well behaved, it does not mean that they are automatically OK or safe. There are many signs of abuse, and I wish that more people educated themselves on this issue. We can literally save lives by doing so."
The Girl Truth
"Girls need to know everything there is to know about menstruation before they experience it. At my school we were only given a quick 'every month you will bleed out your vagina, you can use pads or tampons to absorb it.' Nothing about any of the other mental or physical effects, nothing about how to deal with them, and nothing else reassuring."
Why are girls not taught more sooner?
Like what year are we living in?
"Number one for me, especially out-of-order deaths (young deaths). My husband died when I was 33 and he was 38. It's been almost 3 years and people still struggle with how to talk to me. We need to talk about death more as a society."
Only Legal One
"Alcoholism, especially in older generations."
"The biggest drug in the world, the most dangerous, only legal one. Alcohol has been disguised to make society believe it isn't even a drug. Now we're all hooked and can't go a week without a drink, funny because the cravings come back within a week."
"I quit drinking 18 months ago and it kinda sucks because if you want to go meet new ppl or go on a date it usually involves alcohol."
"Comprehensive sex ed. My mother never had sex ed and was convinced that vaginal discharge wasn't normal and that your crotch didn't sweat."
"My mother had a condition that requires her to use a catheter. She was shocked to learn that she doesn't urinate from her vagina, and that the opening to her urethra is actually slightly above it. She's 75. I'm a dude, and I've known that since I was 14."
"She was raised Catholic, and her mother taught her nothing. Not even what her period was. She was convinced she was dying."
Follow the Money
"Financial debt. In my line of work, I see people's bank accounts and credit reports every day and it is very rare that someone has zero debt. Excluding mortgages (which is a given) the vast majority have car finance, personal loans, and credit card balances. Mostly it's manageable, credit is mostly a convenience for which a person pays interest."
"But debt can also destroy a person. It can keep you up at night feeling like you're literally suffocating. It can lead to suicide. I know because I was close at one point. I don't know if I would have actually gone through with it but I had planned it to the point of measuring rope from the timbers in my attic to my neck and to ensure my feet wouldn't touch the ground."
"If you are in debt you are not alone, you're in the majority. If it's a struggle, notify the lenders/creditors; they're legally obligated to offer options to help you. It might reduce your credit score a bit but please don't ever reduce your life instead."
"Life is precious and money isn't. If you're struggling financially please speak to someone. There is no shame in it, pretty much everyone is struggling financially so someone will understand but please don't let a credit card balance be the reason your life ends."
"Pooping and poop problems. Colon cancer is so common and relatively treatable, but like all cancers, it's so much better to catch it early - yet so many people are too embarrassed to talk about poop problems, and they don't bring it up with their doctor until it's too late."
"I have ulcerative colitis and make sure all my friends know I'm totally comfortable talking about poop if they ever have any questions about whether something happening to them is normal or concerning."
Speak more. Speak louder. We've all been quiet too long.
The Thing People Would Look For First If Given A Box Of Everything They Ever Lost
As much as we might try to take care of our things, there are going to be instances where we lose things that we love.
Ironically, those lost things might be some of the most meaningful things we have in our lives.
Redditor baba_yaga_777 asked:
"If someone offered you a box of everything you ever lost, what would you look for first?"
A Mother's Brooch
"The brooch I bought for my mom's birthday when I was five years old (60 years ago)."
"I took all my money out of my bank and walked to the local Hallmark store. The nice lady took my money (probably less than $2) and wrapped up the gift."
"When my mom opened her gift, we walked back to the store 'to thank the lady for wrapping it so nicely.' It was actually so my mom could offer to pay the rest of the cost of that beautiful brooch. The lady wouldn't accept any more money, though."
"And here we are, 60 years later, and I still remember the incredible kindness of that lady."
"I don't have the brooch or my mom, but I do have this memory."
"When we left Yemen during the civil war in 1994, it was rushed and we lost a handbag that had all family photos from 15 to 20 years prior. It sucks not to have pictures of me when I was younger."
The Perfect Fit
"My swim trunks for this summer. I just got them last year and they fit me perfectly, and now I can't find them for the life of me. It p**ses me off thinking about it."
All Progress Saved
"The 'Pokémon Crystal' game that I had leveled all of my favorite characters up to Level 80. The housecleaner swiped it and my parents wouldn’t believe me. F**k you, Julie."
Lost Loved Ones
"My daughter. She was gone way too quick."
A Beloved Baby Blanket
"My childhood blankie. I have no idea what happened to it!"
"I somehow managed not to lose or destroy mine and gave it to my firstborn child. He still keeps it in his bed and turns seven soon. I think I’d ask for that too if it was lost."
Former Best Friends
"My best friend from my formative years."
"Oof, same. She was like a sister to me. She lives on the other side of the country now and, even though we grew apart, I miss how I felt when I spent time with her."
"The stuffed platypus I had when I was in elementary. Every time my mom mentions finding stuff in my grandpa's house, I ask about it."
In Exchange for Toxic Relationships
"The self-esteem that I allowed others to destroy during a phase of illness."
"High school sketchbook full of emo edgy drawings."
The Family Ring
"My mum's ring she'd been given by her Grandma that I pawned (my mum agreed at the time but always regretted it afterwards)."
"I got way, way less than its worth, since the guy took advantage of my age and desperation. The worst thing is, I can't even remember the design so can't ever have it replicated and can't ask my mum because she passed away earlier this year."
"Sure, I still love holidays but… as a kid, it was like, 'Holy mother of everliving f**k, Halloween is in THREE WEEKS? That is entirely too long. I will never be able to wait. Holy d**n.' And when it finally arrived, I'd have the night of my life."
"Now it’s like, 'Oh no. Halloween is in two days. Uh... Oh well...'"
The Sea of Lost Picks
"As a guitarist, all of my f**king picks."
Junk Drawers and Boxes
"The box I lost that had everything in it."
Quite the Conundrum
"The issue is that I can't recall what I've lost."
We've all lost things in our lives, some more important than others.
It's especially telling that at least most of us know exactly what we would seek first, before anything else that might possibly be in that box.
People Share What Their Reaction Would Be To Meeting A Naked Hiker On The Trail
There are several things that are appealing to hikers.
Being out in nature and taking in some fresh air is a huge motivation for people to get out of the house.
Getting exercise is also a factor to maintain a healthy heart.
But there could be one unexpected element to a hike that can happen hypothetically, and it's sure to raise your heartbeat.
Specifically, seeing something shocking along the hiking trail, like, say, a naked person could make for an exciting–or disturbing–hiking outing. It certainly doesn't get any more au natural than that.
Curious to hear from strangers, Redditor spenf asked:
"What would be your reaction if you encountered a nude hiker?"
These Redditors assessed the situation and saw no harm.
"I have passed two nude hikers in my 35 years of hiking. One male, one female, years and thousands of miles apart. Both said 'hello'. I said 'hello.' One mentioned the trail was washed out ahead but a second trail has been cut. I thanked them for the heads-up. Some people like the wind and sun on their skin. Both had on hiking boots. To each their own."
Sign Of Good Character
"I have. Three times! I'm an avid backpacker and you can usually find me in Yosemite, SeKi, Emigrant or Carson-Iceberg in California on any random summer weekend."
"My standard line: 'Afternoon, I didn't realize it was so cold out today!'"
"One of them didn't get the joke. The other two laughed their nude a**es off."
"Here's my reasoning. If you're naked and can laugh at a joke, you're probably not a threat."
"Depends. A hiker with hiking boots/shoes and a backpack, but otherwise nude, or a completely nude person on a hiking trail?"
"Scenario 1: I give a friendly wave and hike on."
"Scenario 2: I give a more tentative wave and hike on, maintaining a heightened awareness of my surroundings."
"I met one once. A middle aged man in ok shape. Had nice hiking boots, thick wool socks, fancy framed backpack, two walking poles, hat, sunglasses, and nothing else on."
"I said hi in a neutral voice, he replied hi in an equally neutral voice. We passed, I did not look back."
Some hikers are suspect.
"While backpacking out of Rocky Mountain National Park we encountered a dude wearing nothing but shoes and some very small shorts. He was off trail about 100' at the edge of a meadow, walking and swinging a machete. I...did not approach. He was probably a mile in from the trail head. I'm guessing drugs."
Beware Of Black Magic
"Ha! There are a lot of superstitious rumors/stories circulating around scenario 2 in India. Apparently, people who practice black magic with the sole intent of harming someone are often seen walking naked in places you don't expect people, carrying weird items."
"Either you interrupt them by disturbing them (no clue what happens next) or you run in the opposite direction."
You may want to take note.
"I live in the Bay Area and naked hikers are not uncommon."
"Good naked hiker: has appropriate shoes, a backpack or fanny pack, is hiking with intention and looks tanned and fit and like he does this regularly. Good naked hikers will give you room so you don't have to interact unless you really want to."
"Bad naked hiker: shoeless, visible sores, scrapes, or burns, moving erratically (i.e. really slow or in a zig-zag). Might be a drugged out person. Out-of-shape or pale are indications this is not normal for them and they may not have intended for this to happen."
"Exhibitionist: makes a point to make eye contact, smile at you, wave, try to involve you. Good naked hikers are usually on long, deep trails where they're less likely to encounter others, and they tend to give clothed hikers a wide breath out of a sense of respect and consent. Exhibitionists get chummy; it excites them to be seen naked."
"Also depends on the area. A deep woods area with long trails is ideal for naked hiking. Shorter and more accessible trails are less okay because there's a higher likelihood of encountering families with children."
"Also depends on if they're with friends or not. A group of naked hikers is less concerning than an individual."
"All this boils down to:"
"If you see a naked hiker, mind your own business. A good naked hiker isn't trying to bother you. A bad naked hiker is potentially dangerous. An exhibitionist wants attention so any attention paid to them will fuel them. Best thing to do is nod as you pass and carry on like you haven't even noticed."
"Edit: There are actually areas in the Bay Area where it's permitted to hike naked. Regionally, some places allow nudity. Also some places allow women to be topless so a topless female hiker might just be evening out her tan. It's best not to assume and to know the local laws before passing judgement on a person getting their nature on."
Guilty as charged.
The Name Is A Dead Giveaway
"No reaction at all, since I would be nude myself."
"Stare in disbelief. That's just very strange and coincidental for two nude hikers to run into each other."
"I guess make sure they have sunscreen also."
To each their own, but if hiking in the nude is your thing, you do you.
And just a heads up: If you're walking around in the buff and happen to be wielding a machete, you're going to make people very jittery. So maybe drop the prop.
Also, wear plenty of sunscreen.
The Absolute Hardest Parts Of Dating After Age 30
30 is the new 20.
At least, that's what a lot of people tell themselves after they pass that milestone birthday.
Even so, while age is merely a number, people still find certain things grow increasingly more challenging with each passing year.
Including, or even particularly, dating.
Those still on the hunt for love after turning 30 might grow increasingly insecure, worry that their moment has passed, or be unable to ignore the ticking of their biological clock reminding them that time might be running out to start a family.
Not to mention, playing a losing game over and over can become completely and utterly exhausting after a while.
"What is the hardest part of dating after 30?"
Not Everyone Wants A Package Deal
"Realizing that the number of single parents is larger than you’d expect."- dhabo1030
"Some people have kids or want them soon."
"And emotional baggage."- Psyblade0_0
"Kids, whether you have them or not, is something to talk and consider immediately before starting anything."- Crisb89
"For me, it was finding someone who didn't have kids, and didn't want them."
"At that point in my life, I was (and still am) 100% sure I don't want kids."
"Finding a long-term partner who wants the same was pretty tough."- Toiletpaperplane
"Everyone has kids."- TopScruffyPlaying Happy Children GIF by MOODMANGiphy
Everyone's In A Hurry
"'Dating after 30 is like catching a city bus after midnight'."
"'There aren't as many, but they're faster'."- civex
How Long Have You Got?
"Online dating sucks and all my friends are married or dead or single fathers."
"So I am on my own for the most part."- somedude-83
"It's not all fun and games anymore."
"People feel late or behind."
"First dates often: are we compatible, do you want kids, are you OK with my kids, are you ready for a serious relationship, do you make enough money, do you own a home, politics?"
"I don't have time to mess with you if we aren't a match because I'm in my 30s and supposed to be married and having kids."
"The days of just light fun dating are less common."- ZLVe96Kill Me Now Season 1 GIF by FriendsGiphy
Emotional And/Or Excess Baggage
"You sometimes pay for what their ex did to them."- JJJAAABBB123
Rising Standards And Expectations
"You have your preferences narrowed down a LOT more than you did in your 20s, thus finding a compatible partner is more difficult."
"Especially if you dislike kids."- Clintman
"Many people want 'high value' partners while having no value."- Zetterburger40Sassy Red Wine GIF by Married At First SightGiphy
Solo routines Can Be Hard To Shake...
"I've learned I prefer my own company."- PrinceEnternalStench
"The summoning rituals you have to go through."- AdCareful5654
Wait Till Your 40s...
"Wait until they’re over 45."
"Most are divorced and have been alone for a while."
"It‘s a reset of dating and they’re open to try something new."
"That person who was out of your league is now squarely in your court."
"Go for it!"- macgivSee Ya Goodbye GIF by MaxGiphy
Good Luck Getting A Good Night's Sleep...
"CPAP Machines."- Reddit
As long as you are single, finding love is one of the many things you think you might never achieve with each passing year.
However, when you do finally find that one true love, no matter when or how old you are, you will realize in no time at all it was definitely worth the wait.