Toddlers are a test of the human experience.
No matter how much you have it together, a toddler has the ability to throw you for a loop every which way. Things you didn't think you'd have to explain become fodder for explanation; phrases you never imagined would come out of your mouth simply have to-for the sake of your toddler.
Here were some of those answers.
We have an almost daily conversation about how its not nice to color the cat.
I'm not saying kids should be intentionally hurt to teach them things, but if a toddler won't listen to their parents about pulling the cat's tail and being gentle then the cat will be more than willing to make the argument.
It Can't Actually Do That
So we were counting down the time on the microwave until her chicken nuggets were done. 3...2...1...END. Not zero. The worst tantrum today was that she wanted to count down to 0 on the microwave, but there is no 0 just END. "No I can't make the microwave be 0 sweetie."
I work at a doctor's office and sometimes take triage calls in the evening and weekend. One time while on the phone with a patient, my son ran over and said loudly, "I NEED YOU TO PROVE TO ME THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS."
Blame It On The Booty
"We don't touch people like that" after my then 2 yr old daughter reached out and caressed the butt of a woman in a tightly packed elevator. I still remember the look on the woman's face as she spun around and looked at me, and then looked down to see a smiling 2 yr old in her stroller with hand still outstretched.
Not So Loud!
My daughter in the bathroom at Target, "Dad! I'm shaking the pee off!" Me: "What? Child, girls don't need to-" Her: "I'm shaking the pee off my who-ha!" Me, meeting the gaze of another father in the bathroom: "I don't know...." Other father: "You learn to just let some things be."
The Dog's New Best Friend
"You need to make me more chicken nuggets"
Me: well why is that, buddy, are you still hungry?
"No, but Sydney (our dog) was so I fed them to her."
It's not that he didnt want to eat... He just thought the dog looked hungry so he fed her his entire bowl without taking a bite. Needless to say our dog was happy
We are naked potty training and I've literally lost count of the number of things my son has tried to smoosh into his foreskin. M&Ms? Check. LEGO fig head? Check. Grape? Check. So my vote is for "You can NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR PENIS!"
This Ain't Gonna Last
"You can't go to school today because it's Saturday!"
And then she sulked because who the heck dares close the school two days per week. I hope she'll still be this motivated during her teen years.
I Missed My Mouth
No kids here but once i babysat my neph and niece. Was so proud of mealtime, baths, diapers changed on the niece, got them to bed and settled. My sister and BIL got home and the neph woke up to greet them. First thing she notices....the macaroni noodle behind his ear from dinner. How is that possible?
It's Not Your Fault, Nephew
Not today and it was my nephew. He had a bunch of those little McDonald's toys that you can clip onto backpacks and stuff. "Hey bud, how about we find another name for those. Something different than 'hooker toys'"
Vomit As A Weapon
I have twins, everyday I have to remind one of them, "don't throw up," and the other, "don't jump off of anything."
Basically, if they get into a heated fight, one of them will deliberately vomit on the other. Meanwhile, the other one spends all day trying to jump onto her sister and other people from high ground WWF-style (usually triggering the aforementioned fight/vomit-fest).
Before you ask, it's not a medical condition, she will not do it if she's been reminded (we got it checked out too).
You Just Gotta Hold On, Kid
Daddy doesn't like it when he and other daddy have the, uh, door closed for a little while and you lie on the floor and try to peek and listen through the gap at the bottom of the door. Not today but that one is evergreen the weirdest thing I've said.
Did He Deserve It
When my daughter was three this boy (maybe 4) walked up to her in the store and slapped her. The boy's dad of course yelled at him but before either of us could get to them she full on knocked this kid on the ground with one punch. First thing out of my mouth? "Nice hit sweetie but you shouldn't extend your arm that far."
This Isn't Up For Debate
"No, buddy. Nazis really are bad."
Nazis came up in a conversation in front of him and he thinks disagreeing is the funniest thing ever so he kept saying they were good.
It's Just Right There
Obligatory "not a parent" but I am a preschool teacher and the weirdest thing I've had to say so far to a kid is "We don't kiss our teacher on the butt."
Can't say I blame the kid, I mean, adult butts are right at their face level.
This may not sound weird to most people, but those with a toddler will be wondering WTF
"No bud, you cant have just peas & carrots for dinner. Can you at least try a bite of chicken nugget or cheese?"
(My 2 year old is a freak of nature and regularly eats only the veggies, no matter what i make)