We've all had a "never again" moment after doing something stupid - like falling asleep at the wheel or taking too many caffeine pills. How well do we learn, though? Is there ever just one instance of "I'm never doing this again?"
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Be careful what you offer to clean.Giphy
A friend of my grandma complained about not having any help to clean her house. She was a sweet, well put together old lady in her 80's. On a whim, and to impress my grandma, I offered to come by and clean up her house for her. I planned Three hours, Windows, floors, shampoo carpets, all that stuff. I showed up to an episode of hoarders. I made it up to 5 giant bags of trash without it looking like anything had been done. I had to bail. I told the lady that I wanted to help, but that I thought she probably needed a professional.
Not using a separate bowl for eggs...Giphy
I was making two pumpkin pies for my family on Thanksgiving. I had all the pumpkin baked and scraped out. I go to mix in the eggs. 4 in total. The last egg plops out.... Rotten...
Oh the smell.
Oh the all of my pumpkin puree that is now contaminated. No time to try again.
Break your eggs in to a separate bowl when baking.
Gotta rinse the hydrogen peroxide off your contact lenses...Giphy
Back in the days before soft contact lenses you were supposed to clean them with hydrogen peroxide and then use a special neutralizer tablet afterwards. I forgot to use the neutralizer before I put my contacts in. Hydrogen peroxide in your eye HURTS!
This wasn't a good idea.Giphy
I had a 4:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. shift to work the next day, at around 9 P.M. the night before I thought it would be a good idea to just stay up all night and just go to work. I had some dumb idea that being up all night will make me feel more awake than sleeping and waking up feeling groggy. Did not go well.
Driving tired is no different than driving drunk.Giphy
Drove while exhausted. I hit the point where, "I'll just close my eyes for a few seconds while going 80 mph on the freeway" seemed completely reasonable. I caught myself drifting a few times but stupidly thought I was fine. Then I hit the highway divider. Fortunately I just barely scraped it with my driver's side mirror. Aside from some cosmetic damage to my mirror, I and my car escaped completely unscathed.
I'm so lucky I didn't crash and kill myself or anyone else. Driving while exhausted is just as dangerous as driving drunk. I'll never do it again.
Edit: I really did not expect this to resonate with so many people. Drowsy driving is so easy to do accidentally because it sneaks up on you and you keep telling yourself, "I'm just a little tired. I can make it. It'll be fine." It's not fine and you shouldn't try to make it. Pull over and get some rest. Stay safe everyone.
Don't write down your fantasies - especially about teachers.Giphy
I wrote fan-fiction when I was 15 years old for the laughs. My friend introduced me to it and I thought I would try writing it myself. Fast-track to my senior year, a person I used to be friends with somehow found a very, very sexual one and showed it to everyone in my grade at lunchtime. It was super embarrassing and I wish I had never written it.
"Smell this." No.Giphy
I have a firm policy against smelling the things people hold up and tell me to "smell this". I don't remember what caused said policy to be made, but it's saved me many times.
Eating 45-year-old peaches. Why?Giphy
I went down in the pantry of my grandma's house and ate 45 year old peaches from a jar. Did you know the human body is capable of sh*tting peaches in roughly the same consistency they were consumed? Me either.
Too many caffeine pills.Giphy
16-year-old me was playing bass in a punk band. A buddy and I had been wanting to try Speed, but had no way of finding any in the burbs. We settled on taking a ton of caffeine pills as a substitute. We went to the store and bought a couple packs. I believe the recommended dose is 1-2 pills. We each took 8.
Fast forward 15 min later and we were ripping t up during band practice feeling like bada**es. Fast forward another 15 min and I felt like I was dying. Both of us were keeled over not moving much. I got my mom to come pick me up and claimed I was just not feeling well. In order for this plan to work my buddy had to stay at band practice because two us with stomach aches would have been suspicious. poor bastard.
By the time I got home I ran straight up to the bathroom. I've never been so grateful or aware of how conveniently my bathroom was laid out for what was about to happen. Sitting on the toilet while leaning my head into the sink. Worst couple hours of my teenage life.
Always peel your potatoes!Giphy
I made mashed potatoes without peeling and cutting the potatoes first. There was a rotten core inside one or more of them that I didn't notice until I started eating.
I threw up and couldn't eat mashed potatoes for long time.
This guy who didn't know how prunes work.Giphy
I'm an excessive snacker. I'll finish a whole bag of chips within a few hours if you let me.
I once ate a whole Costco sized bag of prunes within an hour. I was living with my grandma at the time who upon discovering that her bag of prunes she just bought was missing, asked me where they went.
I came clean and expected her to give me an hour long lecture like she was prone to do.
Instead she gave me this smug look like she had the last laugh.
An hour later, I had the worst, rancid farts I had in my life followed by stomach cramps and diarrhea.
A regular Edmund Hillary over here.Giphy
Hiked up the Glittertind mountain in Norway starting at about 5PM with no proper mountain climbing equipment. Near the top we were so cold, hungry, and weak, and looking down to the left was probably a several hundred ft. drop onto boulders...I was wearing Timberlands and it was that semi hard icy consistency of snow, so I could have easily slipped and fell a long, long way.
EDIT: Here is a picture of the peak.
Southwest all the way baby.Giphy
Spirit Airlines - Wasn't even a long flight, LA to Vegas. Think of the sh*ttiest Walmart you've ever been to and attach imaginary wings to it, and that is Spirit in a nutshell. Sometimes saving a couple extra bucks is just not worth the trouble.
Agreeing to let the Jehovah's Witnesses into my living room. Literally wasted my whole day.
One last time. One last meal. How do you choose a last meal?
Let's hope we never have to find out. People on death row get that option.
The menu options are almost endless...
"You're on a death row, you have one hour left, they ask for your final meal - what is it?"
I'd want 2 hours in a Golden Coral with a bar.
Covers it all.
"Everything my mom has ever made."
"I want a nice filet mignon, medium rare, a baked potato with everything on it, and a nice Cabernet from a good year - I'm thinking 2135."
"'Sorry, we couldn't get the Cabernet from 2135. So instead of what could have been a great wine request from a more plausible period of time, you get this crappy stuff we sourced from Wal-Mart. Enjoy your meal, I hope that maintaining your sense of humor was worth it."'
"Something badly cooked so I will be sick and want to die sooner and have diarrhea so bad it will be a last revenge!"
"Taco bell it is!"
"If Taco Bell makes you poop a lot, it's a sign that you probably need more fiber in your diet."
The Yuck Factor
"A huge bowl of baked beans, a bowl of shredded wheat, a six egg omelette, and a gallon of apple cider. I'm gonna make it awful for everyone."
"Save yourself the hassle of eating all that, just ask for one pack of sugar free Haribo gummy bears. Should make for an interesting time for the folks watching you die."
"You void your bowels when you die too so that should be lovely."
"Fried chicken with some Fanta."
Fried chicken is on the top of everyone's list!
"150mg of MDMA. I’m dying happy."
"This should absolutely be allowed. If our leaders insist on the practice of capital punishment then the condemned should be able to ingest any substance they damn please."
"McFlurry. Those machine are always broken. I just bought myself some time."
"Is this like an American thing? I worked at a McDonald's in Denmark once and our machine was never once broken when i was there."
"I saw a video about this once. I'm a little fuzzy on the details but I think it has something to do with the contract that was signed in America. Only one company is allowed to do maintenance on the machines and they basically lock out if it's cleaned incorrectly. It's a crap system."
"Cabbage!! Add some cabbage. I don’t know if an hour if enough to take effect but there was an old coworker on a cabbage diet. Omg she smelled, like it was coming out of her pores. She knew she smelled and kept apologizing and reminding us of the diet."
The OG Always
"Olive Garden. Unlimited soup and breadsticks."
"I saw a sketch once, can't remember who it 2qs from. But a an inmate ordered the all you can eat buffet and had been eating for like 8 years. He's constantly on the toilet and takes micro-naps between bites."
"Unlimited for 1 hour. Cool."
"If my grandma is still alive her potato soup and cheesecake. Hopefully I'd be able to cook said meal with her one last time."
Let's hope none of us has to make this decision.
Most people have friends they've been close to for most of their lives.
But at the same time, friends evolve, and everyone finds themselves losing touch with any number of people they at one point considered their friends over time.
Most of the time, this isn't intentional, but just simply happens.
On rare occasions though, people might realize that their friends were not exactly who they thought they were, and didn't like who they revealed themselves to be.
Redditor One-Refrigerator69 was curious to hear stories of people who realized their friends were not exactly the nicest people to be around, leading them to ask:
"When was the moment you realized that your friends are assholes?"
Compared to others...
"When I started hanging out with better people."- Darklink326
All it took was getting my life together
"When I quit drinking ‘cos it was killing me."
"There were people I literally saw every single day who just disappeared as if by magic."
"12 years ago this week, as it happens."
"I’m not anti-drink, far from it."
"Some people, me included, just can’t enjoy it without it becoming a problem."
"Everyone is different."- bigdaftgeordie
A little perspective goes a long way.
"After I realized that other people don't sh*t on each other on every possible occasion in their circle."
"And that it isn't right when a 'friend' uses every known insecurity as an argument against you when you do not behave the way he/she would want you to."- ViscousPlatemanThe Simpsons GIF by MOODMANGiphy
Lack of respect for other people's things
"I let my friend borrow my ps2 when I went to boot camp."
"When I came back, he said he sold it and gave me $50 I think?"
"This was in 2006."- madmike-86
Lack of mutual respect
"When he does sh*t to me and acts like it’s no big deal, then I do the same back and he gets offended."- Primary-Maybe-2749·
Constantly being taken advantage of.
"They only bothered with me when it suited them."
"I'd rather have nobody than have to deal with that."- zombi33mjhappy eric cartman GIF by South Park Giphy
When they literally revealed themselves to be criminals
"When they robbed me at gunpoint."- Ok_Student8032
When they stopped liking them after a change of situation
"Fourth grade, when my parents economical situation went downhill and suddenly no one invited me to their birthday party."
"Until Seven years later no one had never invited me to their birthday, or to anything at all actually."- Justalittletoserious
Not being able to get a word in...
"When they tell me to shut up when I say anything."- the_golden_cheesela respuesta GIF by Becky GGiphy
Violently playing with emotions
"She got a boyfriend and would let him listen to our phone calls and not tell me, even if I was crying about personal stuff that I would only ever tell her."
"Then they both started lying to me about my crush liking me back, forcing both him and me into awkward positions, telling everyone we liked each other so they'd play along, swapping places constantly to make us sit next to each other, pressuring him into giving me a lap dance, making him kiss the prettiest girl in the room, etc, and encouraged me to shoot my shot more and more."
"All the while they knew he didn't like me, he had told them both directly."
"One night I was crying on the phone cause I was so confused why my advances weren't working, and they just kept explaining it away, blaming some other bullsh*t reason and telling me to try again."
"The next day they told me they were laughing throughout the whole call, because I didn't get it and I was so upset."
"I should add I had no dating experience at all and nobody had ever liked me at this point."- Juliemj
It's always sad when our friends disappoint us.
But when our friends proved to be completely different people than we thought they were, it can be devastating.
As the saying goes, one never truly knows who their friends are.
When visiting any foreign country, one should always be familiar with the laws and customs of the land.
After all, what might be generally accepted on your home turf, might be frowned upon, if not illegal, elsewhere.
For that matter, even locals might need a refresher course on what they can and can't do while at home.
A recent Redditor was curious to hear what tourists and locals alike should avoid doing in the USA, leading them to ask:
"In the United States, what should you never do?"
Stay out of the skies!
"Don't fly a drone in Washington, DC."
"The whole D.C. Area is a no fly zone."
"It's a federal offense."
"Just don't do it."- PeytonCarrK
Cops can't be bribed.
"Don't try to bribe cops when you get pulled over."
"I had some Argentinian friends immediately pull out their wallets and start pooling their cash when they got pulled over once.'
"Fortunately someone in the car noticed and told them to put it away immediately."- PeytonCarrK
"Don't pay off the police."
"My dad has friends from several third-world nations where it is common practice to give the police some cash when you are pulled over."
"However, if you try to bribe a police officer here, you'll get into a lot of trouble."- JohnASmiley
Know your rights.
"Everyone, including foreigners, has the right to be silent and have a lawyer when being questioned."
"Don’t say anything."
"Also, even if you speak English fairly well, ask for an interpreter."- WickedLilThing
Enjoy all that nature has to offer... carefully!
"Don't wander off in the national parks."
"It's very real wilderness and you can get lost and die out there."
"This includes going over railings you aren't supposed to, or off trails."
"People have died accidentally falling into a steam geyser that looked like normal water, mauled by animals or left to the elements."- AlphaOhmeganational parks GIF by Visit The USAGiphy
Allow plenty of time!
"Expect consistency at TSA in airports."- WickedLilThing
Some terminology doesn't translate...
"If you’re from England, they’re called cigarettes here."- Yung_Onions
Make sure your license is up to date.
"If you come from a walkable country don’t come here expecting the same."
"There are some areas with good public transportation and bicycle/pedestrian friendly streets but for the most part, especially outside of cities, the areas are designed to accommodate cars more than anything else."
"The reason a lot of Americans drive everywhere is because, depending on where you live, we have no choice."- The_Cars93Dog Driving GIFGiphy
Wait for instructions.
"Get out of your car and approach the cop when being stopped by a cop unless told to."- hildrash
Whether your'e waling down a street in a foreign country, or the street you've lived on for your entire life, it's always wise to be on guard and aware of your surroundings.
Not to mention, obey the law.
Who doesn't love a good joke?
And one needn't be a professional comedian to always have a joke in their back pocket to make people laugh.
Particularly as there are certain types of jokes which are almost always guaranteed to elicit at least a tiny chuckle.
They could be knock-knock jokes, "little johnny" jokes, and of course the "yo mamma" jokes.
Though always teetering on the boundaries of good taste, the possibilities of jokingly insulting the mother of a friend, or foe, are endless, and more often than not, hilarious.
Redditor nobody-and-68-others was eager to hear the funniest "you mamma" jokes people have ever heard, leading them to ask:
"What are the best “Yo mama” jokes you got?"
Yo mamma's so fat...
"yo mamma so fat she wakes up in sections."- LolCoca
"Yo mama so fat when I had a threesome with her I never met the other guy."- 1nzlocky
"Your mama so fat, her memory foam mattress wish it could forget."- cuirboyFat GIFGiphy
...How fat Is she?
"Yo mama's so fat she outweighs the needs of the many."- BenefitsCustardbatch·
"Yo mama’s so fat that every time she turns around, it’s her birthday."- Amphibutter·
Yo mamma's so ugly...
'Yo mama so ugly, criminals break into her house just to close the curtains."- Cap_the_pro
"Yo mama so ugly your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't."- lukeedbnash
"Yo mama so ugly, her portraits hang themselves."- SolHalcyonthe emperors new groove hangover GIFGiphy
This could have so many meanings...
"The earth was flat until they buried yo mama."- jaymo54
Fat AND Ugly?
"Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, the stock market drops."
"Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back."- SophisticatedOtaku
Needless to say, not all jokes are to everyone's taste.
Something to keep in mind when sharing these jokes with others.
Particularly with, "yo mamma", or anyone else's...