Gay People In A Straight Marriage Reveal How It Happened

Knowable

'Til YOUR death do us part!

People's love stories and intimate relationships is first and foremost... "Nobody else's business!" They are however constantly fascinating. How two people or.. three or... four make it work is a miracle. It's difficult accepting yourself and in this current climate in life it's often terrifying to be public about it. So people will hide themselves and try to 'make it work' in a relationship that is probably doomed.

Redditor u/pbntm wanted to discuss the inner workings of mixed marriage; mixed being... Gay people in a straight marriage, how did that happen and how is it working out?


Maybe next year. 

I'm not sure if I'm really 100% gay, but over time I just kind of lost interest in men. It wasn't always like that. When I first met my husband, we had plenty of sex. No orgasm for me but I remember enjoying it. But like a lot of relationships, the passion faded. After a decade or so I realized that non only did I no longer desire my husband, my fantasy material had changed.

If I see a pretty woman on the street, it turns my head and makes my heart flutter. If I see an attractive man, I'm curious about his diet and exercise routine. I regularly develop strong, painful crushes on the women around me. I've never been romantically interested in a man other than my husband, ever. All in all, I think I'm at least mostly gay.

As for our marriage, he knows. We've discussed it at length. We still love each other and are compatible in every other way, so we're staying together. Over a year ago, we agreed I could date women outside of the marriage, but dating is hard and scary and takes time and energy, and I haven't had any. Maybe next year. 6079_WSmith

Thanks Religion.

I grew up in religion and I just had no idea that I was queer. We were already married several years before I realized it. I honestly didn't know you could be homosexual. I had been taught that was a fake thing. I thought the way that I thought about women was how everybody thought.

I am in pain a lot of the time about it but my husband is absolutely wonderful, and we have an amazing life together, so I choose to do nothing about it. sweetcarolinekisses

For the Coin. 

Did it just for the money. Wife is gay and her parents are wealthy, conservative. All of her sisters already married even though she is the oldest. She wanted a sham marriage to get her parents off of her back and I wanted $200,000 plus the lifestyle of my choice while I'm with her.

We have a sham shared bedroom for when the in-laws are over but normally I sleep in the office where the gaming PC is and she sleeps in the master bedroom. I can't have girls over, but I am free to do whatever I want in my free time. She has had women over sometimes and she explains to them that I'm her gay roommate/personal trainer.

What's the end-game here? I never want to get married anyway, but if I want to start a family within the next 5 years I will have to pay back the 200k, with interest. I've already tripled this money though so that's fine.

Her end-game if I leave? I don't know, but I'll assume she can just tell them that I was unfaithful too many times. The in-laws ask about children, but we keep putting off the conversation. InclusivePhitness

Just Rub it Away.....

I know an LDS couple where the man is gay and the woman is lesbian. Openly. He blogs about it. But because according to their faith it's wrong, they got married and had children. It was almost like it was a "program" of the church - connecting homosexuals of different genders in order to ensure they quell their "urges". In his blogs he talks about her more like she's a good friend and companion, but there's clearly no Eros there, no spark that glues them in that way.

On the one hand, it's sad. On the other hand, who the heck am I to judge how people who have different values than I do live their lives? It's weird to me, but it seems to work for them as far as it goes.

Still tho, I wish dude could just rub up on another dude and be happy. RogueModron

Oh Auntie....

My Aunt was gay but just kind of denied it for years. She eventually married a man who was basically her best friend and just kind of pretended to be happy with it. She eventually gave birth to her only son (my cousin), but a few years after that she finally came to her own realization that she just wasn't happy pretending she was straight. She came out to her husband at the time about how no matter how much she tried to be attracted to him and love him as a husband, it hurt her inside to do it. And he was... surprisingly accepting of it all things considering.

He had apparently picked up that she seemed to be in distress whenever they would try to make things work, and for awhile he had blamed himself for it and thought it was his fault for putting her through that pain. So in reality he was somewhat relieved. They both mutually agreed to separate, and were divorced. Both found new partners, they remained great friends, and my cousin lived a pretty balanced life despite having to jump between 2 houses from time to time. C3POH66

"dated"

When i was younger i "dated" an older married man for cash, i felt awful doing it but i did what i had to.

Hearing about his family made me sick. He claimed he would never leave his wife because of their son's health problems, I'm not sure what they were exactly was the issue, but the son was older than me and still living at home.

I begged him a few times to leave his wife, not for me, but for her, i truly believed he needed to be honest with her, this man had been unfaithful since the day the met. He constantly remarked if she would just die it would solve all his issue, hearing this would make my skin crawl. Sister_rayon

The Wool Puller....

My dad was gay. He got married for status and propriety, and basically told me as much later in his life. He effectively pulled the wool over my mom's eyes until after my older brother was born. I guess I should be glad they still had me, even though I'm certain she knew by that point.

I recently found a couple of letters that my mom had sent him during these years. She was absolutely miserable and remained depressed through the remainder of her life.

He was honestly a lousy dad, and things weren't really much different when he finally jumped ship in my teens. I realize much of his anger and emotional distance may have had its roots in a self-loathing born of a deeply homophobic era. That doesn't change the fact that he basically ruined my mom's life in order to project a desirable social image.

So to answer the question, it didn't work out so hot. gertalives

Besties....

From what I remember of my ex-best-friend, both of his parents were gay and after moving from their country that was pretty against their skin color (and sexuality we later learnt) later divorced and have their own same sex partners now. Black369Ace

The Needed Truth...

My spouse didn't admit to themselves that they were trans until five years into our marriage and so they didn't feel the "need" to inform me that from their perspective they were a gay male whereas from my perspective they were a straight female.

So the short of it is that they lied to themselves and me for all that time, even going so far as to omit other former relationships from their "full" list that would have clued me into the truth of the matter.

The truth came out when it was time to have kids and they couldn't go through with it even though it was a pretty big intention we both expressed before marriage. lightknight7777

The Future?

My parents expect me to marry a girl. The impending crap show that will occur when I come out (22 rn, I have no idea when it'll happen) is not something I'm looking forward to. Riko-Sama

It's Cultural... 

I know a gay person here in Africa who is married. His culture expects it and so he has gone along with it. Even has a kid--it's his for sure because they look like twins. Nonetheless he identifies as gay, not bi. He is very effeminate and it's more like an open secret that he's gay. But since marriage in his culture is more about a social arrangement rather than love it's not a big deal.

He has a very good job and she wants to be a housewife and so I guess she is ok with the situation. It is kind of funny to me when all his gay friends are over visiting him and his wife is there.

Does she know about him and his friends? I asked him once and he said she doesn't know anything, but I asked one of his gay friends and he said she knows everything. ontrack

Don't Ask, Don't Tell...

Not me but my uncle. Married his wife as an alibi. She was a young single mom with a daughter. So she got a man who raised her daughter and my uncle got a family so no one asked questions. A few years ago they broke up, but stayed married and still are best friends. When he finally came out to everyone a few years ago a part of our family cut him and everyone who supported him off. But he's happy now with his lovely boyfriend and he enjoys finally being able to be himself.

I talked to my aunt about it and she said, she didn't know from the beginning and really loved him, but always had a feeling. She's still in love with him but she knows it's not his fault and he was the greatest husband and father and he's still her best friend. SaschaCawa

Love you mom...

Not a first person experience, but my buddy in high school's mom was gay. She had extremely homophobic parents and denied that she was gay the majority of her life. She married and had kids, don't ask me how that worked out. They divorced eventually and both remarried, now he has 4 parents. TH4TS4M4ZING

Gay or straight... be kind! 

Not me but my dad. He came out last year, I'm now 25 and have three sisters. Our childhood was pretty good, didn't really have any idea until he came out to us all. He tells us he's always known.

When he came out I was the only one that really accepted him, my family was quite religious at the time. He left my sick mother and moved to the other side of the country to be with a new boyfriend. Now they want to move into the house he and my mother built together.

Now, none of my sisters talk to him. Slowly I keep getting more and more information about what was going on throughout my childhood. Reports of cheating and huge amounts of crippling debt are making their way to me and making me rethink my childhood. Part of me feel that I don't really know the man who is my father. I still love him but this secret he has had to carry around for my whole life seems to have caused him to make choices that have hurt our family.

Not really the best. jazzvibe

Safe Sex... 

Had an uncle in this position.

He was legitimately in love with his wife (they were high school sweethearts) and they had four kids, he just wasn't sexually attracted to her. Eventually he cheated, caught a serious STI and at that point came clean. They divorced.

It was a bad situation for everyone involved in the end. sirgog

Carry on girl! 

I am South African. My family is very religious and homophobic. They will literally rather die than have LBGTQ daughter. I am in a secret relationship with a girl. They think she is my roommate/ best friend. So we are able to get away with it. I know a closet gay African guy in my situation and he is willing to marry me as a cover up for both of us. However, my girlfriend does not agree and will not allow it. So stressful and depressing.

I woke up to all these amazing messages , thank you so much for your help. And Encouraging words. Working on permanently moving to Another country. I have been traveling out of South Africa multiple times with short stay visas. Working on getting permanent residency. Thank you all for the kind messages. ❤️💚 ibabaka

Therapy is fun! 

My ex came out after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. He sexuality was deeply suppressed due to her upbringing and was only uncovered while in therapy for other issues. 10 years later, I'm happily remarried, the kids are doing well, and she is in a same sex relationship. Canucklehead_Esq

In & Outed! 

I'm a lesbian from a religious and conservative area/family that heavily considered doing this as a teenager.

However, my good friend (who is also gay, and in the closet) had a really hard time when his father came out as gay. He had been having an affair with a man for awhile and it just broke his mom's heart. She was very upset, and rightfully so... not only about the affair but that her whole marriage and relationship was a lie. My friend was upset by this too, and ended up coming out because he didn't want to do this to anyone. I decided soon after I'd never marry someone I didn't love, because it wouldn't be fair to them.

Ended up coming out in my mid-20s and my family was super accepting and I currently have a gorgeous, intelligent and very patient fiancée my family adores.

I have strong feelings about this... I understand the pressure to conform and the fear of being "outed" but you have to consider the other person as well. Icarus_Dee

4 is the best #!

This used to be so commonplace that Southern grannies of my Nana's generation even had a word for it. A 'white marriage' was when one or more homosexual people got married in what looked like a hetero union, but the actual situation was based on a deep friendship. One might see a lesbian lady and a gay gentleman pairing off to keep up appearances, a straight lady and a gay gent, a pair of asexuals, or any combination. And so long as they were happy and kept any drama to themselves, it wasn't a problem.

Of course, there was also such a thing as 'practically double twins' or a 'merry foursome' which in Nana's generation's slang was when a pair of white marriages were clearly just the best of couple friends, did everything together, and everyone in town would sort of smile at what close friends these two obviously straight couples must be. Certainly not two gay men and two lesbians. Definitely not. Right.

And the whole town just kind of went along with that, because friends are adorable and couples are adorable and happy families were so rare in the Flannery O'Connor-esque Southern Gothic horrorshow that was life back then, a slight suspicion here or there wasn't really that big a deal. Apparently Nana's childhood best friend's grandparents were a merry foursome whose respective kids had paired off after the one returned from boarding school, and the whole family was very happy. Their family is still friends with ours. spiderqueendemon

Mic. Drop! 

Dare I say.... bi-accident. Morwen_Kalir

This is the only correct answer. I love it! I_try_and_fail

Sorry for your loss...

My husband came out as gay last month and now we are getting a divorce after being with each other for 17 years married for 2 i met him in the 4th grade as a friend and we evolved from there... he said he can't be with me anymore and although I am doing better I am absolutely still devastated any of this is happening. BBQpringles

The Wavelength...

I'm super late, but I'm a straight Male married to a gay woman. Sexuality is definitely a spectrum. If super straight was 1, and super gay was 10, she cruises at about a 9. She identifies as Pan, but definitely favors innies.

She's had more girlfriends than me. She was married previously to a man. When she decided to leave him, she had pretty much given up on guys. We were really good friends. The kind of deep personal bond that you get with someone, where even if you've only known them for months, it feels like years. We are on the same "wavelength" on some many things. Eventually we stopped pretending like there was no sexual chemistry between us and started dating. Married a few years later.

We have a very healthy sexual relationship. Some might call it alternative. I understand she has desires that I, as a man, can't fulfill. I have no problem with her fulfilling those desires with others. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But with love, understanding, a strong friendship as a base, and compassion, we make it through. ShortyLow

No sex please...

Not married but been together for 3 years. We met through a mutual friend. He's always known I'm gay. We had 3 months was an extremely, extremely emotionally intense friendship. He's the nicest person I've ever made and the person I wish I was. Could not adore him more. Still can't.

Then we started hanging out one-on-one constantly. I knew I completely 100% loved him emotionally and wanted to see if I could make it work. I was always the one who suggested and initiated everything. He was always hesitant because he knew I was gay and needed to feel sure it's what I wanted. Plus he had never done anything before- not even kissing. All of the firsts were fun and exciting because it was he was so happy and amazed and thankful.

And then 3 years whizzed by. Still not "out" to friends and family about it, though at this point they pretty much know. It's working out as good as possible. We're technically poly, but I've made no efforts to date other woman recently because of my depression. We've had an active poly relationship in the past which me and him handled decently well.

Our emotional connection is fantastic. We were soul mates in the first couple months of knowing each other, and that hasn't changed at all. He's thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking, dependable, sensitive, kind, witty, adorable: he embodies every value I care about and is the best friend you could ever have.

Plus sex isn't the worst thing ever. I'm indifferent and "bleh" more so than disgusted or traumatized. Feels like I'm just doing my best friend a weird, mildly gross favor that makes them far more happy than it makes me feel icky. Penetrative is the one thing that really fucks me up because of the physical pain, so it's very rare and I'm always the one to initiate it. In general I get a lot emotionally out of pleasing him. We both get a lot out of making the other person happy.

But that only goes so far. I know I'm not sexually satisfied and it's not enough for me to just have this one relationship forever. I've told him that and he knows. He's always known. We're just enjoying it for what it is as long as it makes us both happy. I think that's as much as you can ask for in any relationship. Or just in life, really. Geigas

Pray it away...

Child of a gay man who married a woman to be a good Christian here.

He left my mom with two kids to have a string of partners, eventually marrying a millionaire. He lives with his husband in an actual mansion while his ex wife and children live in a tiny house that we can't afford/repair. Holes in the siding, leaky pipes and roof, dilapidated wooden monstrosity that used to be a deck, family of squirrels in the attic we can't get rid of, etc.

He at least texts me sometimes, so that's nice. I love the guy, but he's responsible for a whole lot of pain and misery. Don't start a family to stay in the closet. It isn't your life you'll f**k up, it's theirs. I mean i'm glad I exist, but I don't like being a chapter in my dad's life that he would clearly rather forget. saltinstien

Thank you Josh...

For anyone interested in this, there is a very long running blog by Josh Weed about doing this for fifteen years. He is LDS and recently came to the conclusion that they shouldn't have been proponents of this, people were hurt due to their example, and are getting amicably divorced so they can live their lives to the fullest. It's a good read. Maebyfunke37

Duck and cover...

Not me but my Uncle in Law, had homophobic parents. Married his best friend, a lesbian with homophobic parents. Their marriage was the perfect cover, they claimed they were infertile (tbh i doubt they even tried to see) and instead adopted three kids and raised them. They secretly dated what others just thought were there best friends. Once both sets of parents had died they told a few close friends and family but they stayed married and still live together etc. lucozadeprincess

You can't hide forever... 

My old boss is gay. He had two kids with his ex-wife and until the kids were about 2 and 3 he finally couldn't hide his true sexuality from his wife. Apparently he told her the truth and how he still loved her a lot and how he loves his kids and wants to make it work.

She let him talk and he knew she would listen. What he didn't know was how CRAZY homophobic she was. She went mental and took his kids to the United States, stole his money and sent him divorce papers in the mail like the next week basically. He signed the papers because she promised he'd see his kids every other week and she'd send him back half of the money she took but she needed it right away because she couldn't bear to be near him. You can imagine how this played out.


As far as I know he's still trying to see his kids more than once a year and because she's in another country it falls on really messed up rules plus she keeps avoiding the cops. Apparently she just randomly shows up once a year at his house at random times of day on a day he would least expect it so she can avoid the police here and he has no idea of her whereabouts at any time. It's messed up I feel really bad for the guy.

It's been years since I talked to him last so I don't 100% know how he is now but like I said I hear he's still fighting for his kids who are now in their late teens and seen their father a handful of times since she bolted. From what I hear him and his boyfriend have been together for a while now and are having talks about getting married so I hope everything works out for him. MilitaryFish

Make it work...

My dad came out when I was in middle school. He and my mom are still really good friends, and they probably talk everyday. Instead of divorcing, they stayed together - although separated - for financial reasons until I went away for college. My mom and I lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building, and my dad on the 1st. I'd alternate dinner nights with the two of them. We still spent most holidays together. Although now, my mom lives with her new husband. Both are very happy, and I don't think there are any regrets. DickVitalis

Cheers!! 

[MARRIED A LADY] We lived together for 3 years as really good friends and we divorced and she went on to marry a close friend of mine and i am in a long term gay thang so it all worked out great! samuelma

Happily Ever After...

Me. As a scared Mormon boy, I told myself growing up that the only person who could decide if I was gay was me and so I decided I wasn't and swore never to tell another soul. Got my first girlfriend in my late 20s and married her, had kids, etc.

I was all in and congratulating myself for doing the right thing and making it work until my wife decided it wasn't working. She is now engaged to her girlfriend. Nowayucan

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