
Forest Rangers Reveal The Creepiest Experiences They've Had On The Job
[rebelmouse-image 18349544 is_animated_gif=Being a Forest Ranger is a job so many of us no NOTHING about. Apparently though we've been missing out. It's a job full of adventure.. maybe too much adventure. It seems it can be a job riddled with danger. Bears are EVERYWHERE people!
Redditor UpbeatAvocado wondered aloud... Forest rangers of Reddit, what is the creepiest/strangest experience you've had while on the job? Lord these people are NOT paid enough. If we all want to go enjoy a natural park or forest, we have to hep these people.
SWIPE RIGHT MOOSE!
Had campers who honked at a moose. The moose took this as a mating call and proceeded to mate with their car.
THIS ISN'T FOR GEICO...
[rebelmouse-image 18349545 is_animated_gif=Dude. Tourists do amazingly dumb things. I live in Australia and a few years ago I visited a local national park that had a waterfall. On the way back from a swim I heard people laughing and saw a group of backpackers all huddled around a rather large iguana (large monitor lizard, smaller than a Komodo dragon but mean looking). They were trying to get a selfie with it. They must have seen the look of horror on my face because one of them asked "Can...can we pet it?" and I was like "sure" because you can physically pat one. They are real but there isn't a bone in my body that would want to pat a lizard the size of a medium-sized dog that's all jacked on discarded junk food and used condoms. Anyway, they touched it and it went a bit silly but no one was hurt (badly).
CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME!
[rebelmouse-image 18349546 is_animated_gif=I'm a forester for the US Forest Service in northern California.
I've never had anything like supernatural type creepy happen to me. But it always creeps me out a little bit when I come across a kill site from a Mountain Lion. When you're by yourself in the woods you're just another link in the food chain but you don't really think about it until you come across a 1/2 eaten deer and realize a huge cat killed this thing with its face.
As for the strangest thing, that would be the time I thought I was about to see a plane crash. As usual I was working alone on a remote hillside and I saw a plane, like a full size commercial plane flying below the ridgeline between mountains. I thought it was going to crash for sure. But it didn't. It just weaved through and kept going. I thought it was weird it didn't have any logos or writing on it. Come to find out we were close to an Air Force base and they were training pilots for Afghanistan and this was not a totally uncommon thing to see in the area.
THAT IS CYOTE UGLY...
[rebelmouse-image 18349547 is_animated_gif=I live out in the country and frequently hike trails on an 100+ acre property. I come across a lot of coyote kill sites, it doesn't really bother me any more... It's a part of nature and all that.
But I've never thought of it how you described it and now I'm terrified.
IT'S JUST WATER..
[rebelmouse-image 18349548 is_animated_gif=i spent a few weeks on a long camping trip in a national forest near a navy site for bombing practice.
the shock waves from the water bombs hitting would shake the tents. it was pretty cool.
JUST RUN!!
[rebelmouse-image 18978032 is_animated_gif=My friend and I were going through a more secluded part of the woods off of the trail. We planned to head back soon since the sun was setting and shadows were getting longer - I know it doesn't sound like much, but understand that everything gets creepier when you're surrounded by miles of forest.
Then, we noticed it: in the distance was a small wooded platform, a bit rundown. It looked like a man-made structure, completely out of place, and I'd never seen anything like it. I remember we approached with caution and even radioed it in; apparently, nobody had ever seen it before or knew what we were talking about. We didn't have to get very close- the smell hit both of us like a freight train, I felt like I was going to puke. There are no words to sufficiently describe how foul it was. It was the scent of rotten flesh and death but millions of times worse. At that point, we were both seriously spooked and decided to leave since it was getting late, plus we'd already reported it anyway.
Found out that when rangers checked, they discovered a couple things. First, the scent was actually caused by severely mutilated small animal corpses, ravaged and left to rot around the mysterious platform. Next, they collected several bear set traps surrounding it, even though there are no bears here. They uprooted the platform and found the entire thing was a trap, basically because the boards were weak and a deep pit had been dug underneath it with metal shards waiting at the bottom.
JUST GO ALONG WITH IT...
[rebelmouse-image 18978033 is_animated_gif=Prior Marine, we were doing amphibious landings and set up to rack out on the beach. I woke up and walked over the sand dune to take a pee in the middle of the night when I saw a squad of recon guys geared up with night vision goggles maybe ten feet away from me. I said what the hell pretty loudly and none of them said anything. I walked up to one guy and had to physically touch him before he said they were practicing on us. I told my platoon commander about it and the next day he told me they failed because I noticed them. Startled the s*** out of me though, I was halfway through my piss before my eyes adjusted enough to notice 10 or so guys just watching it go down. Would have died for sure.
CAN YOU HEAR US?
[rebelmouse-image 18978034 is_animated_gif=When I was working for a federal government land management agency in Montana a few years back, something really creepy came over the repeater network. While we were working in a canyon that had very poor radio reception, we heard a very long, creepy, and drawn out moan come over the air. This was followed by a very weak (in both reception and tone) "...help...me..." in a women's voice. All of us freaked out. These weak cries for help kept repeating low guttural "...help me..."on until dispatch finally stepped in a said "This is a federal emergency network. Unless you have an emergency, get off this channel." This was followed by another plea for help, then a gun shot and screaming. Turns out 2 local crazies were out four wheeling, going straight up steep embankments, when the ATV flipped backwards, pinning the man under the ATV. Both of them being high on some substance, they started freaking out. The man, being perfectly fine, except for being pinned by the leg and high, started to hallucinate that he was bleeding out, pulled out his handgun and shot himself to make it quicker. Because they were four wheeling so far back in the sticks, a helicopter was needed to retrieve the body.
BLAME CANADA!
[rebelmouse-image 18357827 is_animated_gif=I work as a forester in northern Alberta (Canada). One of the weirder things I've found was an old rusted toboggan in an area of forest that had recently been harvested. It had obviously been there before the forest was cut, because it had about 3 inches of soil on top of most of it with plants growing out of it. This was also 15-20 kilometres off the highway, and not near any well used trails or roads.
W. T. F?!
[rebelmouse-image 18348500 is_animated_gif=Forester here; running into fresh mountain lion and bear scat and tracks is always creepy, but I'm most afraid of other people. I started carrying a gun (which is against my companies policy) after one particularly unsettling run in. I normally work alone but on this day I had a coworker with me, I stepped out of his sight for a bathroom break. We were way off the grid, thought we were the only people for miles. All of the sudden I see a man standing motionless about 20-30 feet from me- I scream in obvious terror. He doesn't say a word, and I'll never be able to accurately describe the look on his face. It was pure evil, I could feel his intent. He takes a step TOWARDS me at which point my coworker yells "Are you ok?," the guy then just turns around and walks away, disappearing back into the woods. I'm a woman btw, and I know for a fact if I had been alone that day he would have attacked me.
Another creepy one was when I was patrolling in a swamp in SC and my boss just happened to fly overhead in a helicopter while conducting an aerial patrol, I could see him in the 'copter waving his arms, I'm waving back smiling like _"hey buddy! I see you!" _My cell rings and it's my boss telling me to get back in my vehicle (amphibious Argo) because I'm walking towards a 10-12 ft alligator. Super creepy because god knows how many I'd been close to in the past, not a normal day to have a helicopter scouting for me.
Strangest thing I've come across was a huge pile of dental molds (like the kind orthodontists make) in the middle of no where. About 3 ft high, thousands of messed up grills. I love weird, random s*** so it made my day. I took like 30 of them and would randomly leave them around town with stupid quotes written on the bottom, kept them stored in the driver side door so people would be like"WTF" when they noticed lol. My friend that happened to be a dental assistant saw them one day and explained that they are expensive to dispose of? So a shady dentist just dumped 'em.
Another time I had just stepped out of the woods when a fish dropped from the sky and landed right in front of me... I was super confused until I saw the hawk that was carrying it fly away.
DEEP BREATHS AND KEEP MOVING...
[rebelmouse-image 18346830 is_animated_gif=I do a lot of of solo hiking and I've seen some weird s***. I actually had a what the hell moment this weekend..
Decided to wake up super early and hike into this a great little fishing spot in Uwharrie national forest. Now I am probably a good 8-10 miles from anything or person. As I come over this hill I see a hoodie hanging up about 25 ft in a tree and an axe head at the base of the tree. The hoodie was on a branch that is couldn't of been thrown or even placed up there if someone climbed.. the limb would of snapped. I just took the safety of my pistol and kept walking. Nothing you can really do that far out..
NOT SAFE PEOPLE!
[rebelmouse-image 18348506 is_animated_gif=Not me, but my ex works in the National Parks. Trees with low limbs, waist high, cut off about a foot away from the trunk.....with used condoms rolled on the ends.
THAT'S NOT SMOKEY!!
[rebelmouse-image 18978035 is_animated_gif=I used to be a ranger for a cave park. One morning, I walked up to our caves to unlock them as a lot of our caves are gated to protect them from vandalism. As I'm walking up, I feel just...weird. I go unlock the cave and as I head back down I realized that the metal boardwalk under my feet feels and sounds different. I walked up and down it a few times trying to figure out exactly what was different but no luck. I decide to head back down to our visitor center and ask the first tour of the day to check on it and see if they notice anything. As I'm heading down the stairs I glanced back up at the cave, and the great big bloody bear that had been snoozing under the boardwalk sticks his head out.
OLD TALES.. DON'T ASK..
[rebelmouse-image 18344995 is_animated_gif=I was in the Black Hills of South Dakota in 2015 with some friends. We came into a clearing about 12 miles into a very remote part of the BH. There was a noose hanging in a tree. The rope was old and mossed over. No other evidence of humans around. Just plain creepy.
LEAVE IT IN THE GREENERY....
[rebelmouse-image 18346863 is_animated_gif=I worked as a botanist for the park service- as a scientist you still wear the uniform. My field partner and I were surveying some plants- and a super old dude walks up - we chat a bit and he tells us he's in his 80s and been hiking there forever. He seems pretty tough and with it from the conversation.
Cut to an hour or two later - he's on his way back - but his pants have disappeared and he's just wearing a (thankfully) long tank top - no pants or underwear. He waves and keeps going. Since you can only be cited for being naked in parks if someone complains- we wave and continued surveying plants. Never really figured out what happened- maybe an restroom emergency or he just wanted to feel the breeze.
IM NOT THOR! YOUR'E ON YOUR OWN!
[rebelmouse-image 18978036 is_animated_gif=Worst story for me was when three bears entered our campsite at like 2:00 in the morning when we were sleeping in a tiny little tent. Pitch black outside, but we were high up the mountain, so when laying in the tent, you could see the moon light filtering through the thin plastic of the tent and the silhouettes of the trees and stuff.
So my friend and I were in one tent and the guys were in another tent a few feet away from us. We are awoken to banging sounds in the campsite, about 3 or 4 feet from where we are laying. We both looked at each other and held hands because it was LOUD. I was terrified to move because the sleeping bags would make that rustling sound if we moved. I swear to god, the bears were FASCINATED with our tent. Now, we did go through all the hassle of setting up a bear proof camp, even washing the sun screen off of us, putting food and self care items and chap sticks and stuff in the food canister and such. We did everything we knew to do so that we did not smell good to bears, but I think just camping that far up gets their attention, period. These things literally were making grunting noises, throwing items around the camp, and rubbing themselves along the side of our tent. Like I could hear the sound of their bristled fur rubbing against the side of our tent over and over and over. I will NEVER forget that sound. When I would open my eyes and look up, you could see their HUGE grunting silhouette rubbing against the side of the tent. It was like the scariest 30 minutes of my entire life. Three GIGANTIC bears were a mere inch away from me and the only thing that separated us was the thin plastic of the tent that they could shred in in half a second.
After what seemed like an eternity, they wandered away, and the guys came flying into our tent carrying the gun. We huddled there, all four of us like terrified school girls, until the sun came up. When we took a look at the camp, everything that had been sitting out (mostly bags and clothes and non-food item stuff) was destroyed and scattered. I never went camping again after that experience. It terrified me. Before that, I never really thought what was out there. Now I know!!
KEEP A TRUE NORTH...
[rebelmouse-image 18346862 is_animated_gif=Every summer I work on a national park just to get a little extra cash for college.
So last year I decided to say okay and solo a 7ish mile hike up the mountain to get back to my dorm. This is after having a few days off, and instead of being late the next day waiting for a ride I decided I was gamed enough to venture the forest at night
So here I am alone crossing makeshift bridges, and going along a makeshift trail in the middle of an pitch black evergreen forest.
Along the way I come to a small rocky River bank, I look up and see a blood moon looming over head. For some reason I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me like I just f***ED up big time.
Hours pass, in turn with me getting lost and my flashlight dying. I kept seeing a shadowy figure in my peripheral, pointing to something. Wasn't a good time, as I was already on the look out for bears and mountain lions, plus being exhausted.
YOGI? IS THAT YOU?
[rebelmouse-image 18978037 is_animated_gif=I've been working at this park for a few years, and I've been having issues. It's this bear, and he isn't like any other bears. HE STEALS PIC-A-NICK BASKETS FROM THE CAMPERS!
All of us have fears which some might call irrational.
Up to and including ghosts, witches, monsters.
But more often than not, reality can be far scarier than the supernatural.
And there are very few people indeed who don't have a memory of a moment when they were truly and genuinely scared.
And not by an otherworldly encounter, but by things that could quite literally happen to anyone.
Redditor GodhimselfUwU was curious to hear the scariest experiences people have lived through, leading them to ask:
"What’s the scariest non-supernatural thing that ever happened to you?"
Intruder
"I was 14, alone at my grandmas house around midnight."
"She was across the street at the bar she owned."
"I was playing games on her computer, about 15 feet from one of the windows facing the backyard."
"All of a sudden the glass from that window shatters, and I ran to one of the bedrooms."
"I can hear my name being called."
"Eventually I see my grandma's ex-boyfriend enter the living room where the computer is."
"He keeps saying my name."
"I’m scared sh*tless, but I walk out and confront him."
"He says my grandma stole his ID and that’s what he came for, as he’s taking money from my grandmas purse."
"He looks f*cked up on something."
"I forget how he leaves but when he does I call the bar and people come over looking for him."
"They didn’t find him."
"About a year later he did it again, and I was once again alone there."
"Except this time instead of breaking a window he decides to try to kick the side door in."
"I’m just there chilling when out of nowhere I hear the loudest bangs coming from the side of the house and I instantly knew what was happening."
"I immediately called the bar and they sent a bunch of people over before he could make it in."
"He apparently tried to jump from one of her sheds into the alley next to her house and broke his leg."
"He went to prison."- nfreshn
They're coming right for us!
"Two bison charging right toward me down a narrow wooded path in Yellowstone when I was 12."- pcc2
Uncomfortable in new surroundings.
"My sister has mental health issues."
"We were in a foreign country, driving across mountains on a one lane dirt road with no guardrails."
"She had a complete mental breakdown and threatened many times to drive off the edge."
"To this day, my mom swears my sister wouldn't have done it."
"All I say is, 'you weren't in the car'."
"'You have no idea'."- BlorengeJulius
Lost in the woods.
"Getting lost on 350 acres of woods in southeast Georgia."
"Was found about 6 hours later."
The dog found me hours before the people did.- No_Regrats_42
A near death experience.
"Was working as a linemen tasked to replace a 16m wooden power pole which requires climbing up to untie the lines from the isolators."
"I checked if the pole had any rot beforehand, climbed up, untied the lines, climbed down, as I was packing my tools up , the pole fell from its own."- LimaRadek
He wasn't who he claimed to be.
"A man claiming to be a meter reader was in our yard and tried the back door AFTER trying the front."
"It was unlocked because there was a field behind us and our gate had a lock, that he somehow got by."
"The meter reader man was nearly eaten by our Great Dane who was dumb and peaceful, except for when she laid eyes on him."
"Our other dog also wanted to kill him and he was up on our trampoline begging us to call the dogs off, which we, my then 11 year old sister and I, refused to do and went to get our dad, who worked from home."
"The guy escaped while we got our dad and my dad let the police know what happened."
"The real meter reader man came the next week."- Applesintheorchard
Had no idea what they were witnessing.
"I guess watching a loved one have a seizure when I didn’t understand what it was."
"Legit thought I witnessed a death."
"Scary stuff."- Peppapigisgodly
Always look both ways.
"I got hit by a car while in a crosswalk a few months back."
"Had a split second where I saw him coming and realized what was about to happen."
"I thought I was going to die."- jolalolalulu
Big Sister to the Rescue.
"Saved my sisters life."
"We were boating and my parents just kinda assumed we’d be ok with them only out a couple hundred feet."
"I was about 17 and she was about 7."
"I’m laying there chilling and see her slip and fall into the water and just straight up sink."
"Ran over, dove in and pulled her to shore."
"She spit up a bunch of water and was fine but that experience rocked me to my core."
"Not a super crazy story but almost seeing a sibling die has always stuck with me."
"I’ve broken almost every bone in my body, I died one time and was in a coma for a little bit but for some reason this one stuck with me."- Present-Trip5231
Often, an experience that left us scared does make for a good story down the line.
Though whether it was a good enough story to make having gone through the experience worth it, is debatable.
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Having to work for a living is hard work.
Some jobs come with difficulty and two extra sides of stress.
So the last thing people need is unwarranted hate.
I'm so glad I work from home. Writing alone.
I have issues with me, but that I can deal with.
I do hate internet issues.
But that is warranted.
Redditor PM_ME_URFOOD wanted to talk about the jobs where a ridiculous amount of vitriol is all part of a days work. They asked:
"What profession gets an unjustified amount of hate?"
Waiting tables was always the bane of my existence. Customers are rude. Staff is rude. It never ends.
Filthy Hours
"Trash men. They’re looked down on as dirty and uneducated, but they do a hard job that is absolutely critical to our public health."
kirkl3s
You're Out!
"Youth sports officials. I umpire baseball as a hobby and the way parents act is deplorable."
kennsing75
"The parents on the other hand deserve loads of hate sometimes. I was a coach for soccer and volleyball while I was in the Air Force. You would have loved to be a sports official for our leagues at our base. If a parent got sh**ty they are immediately ejected, no questions, and reported to whoever is their higher authority. It almost never happened."
DaniTheLovebug
Behind the Counter
"Any customer (client/patient) facing job. They get the abuse that stems from managements decisions, mistakes and incompetence."
HighlyOffensive10
"I did customer service for automotive companies at a call center for years. People get so unhinged, between dealerships, management, people calling into the wrong department, angry customers who were itching for a fight over a rental car. The job paid for five free therapy sessions a year, but honestly, it would take every ounce of restraint not to break some days."
"You aren't allowed to defend yourself or hang up, you can't transfer them to supervisors for a call, you technically work for a third party company that exists to keep the customer from ever actually speaking to the corporation. It was the worst job I've ever had, and that's coming from someone who used to work at a seafood processing plant."
Bromelia_and_Bismuth
I'm Hungry
"Food service. The workers have to eat too, you know."
stinky_cheese33
"Working fast food sucked. Not because the job was hard. But because people were *icks. For like, no reason. Working in an actual kitchen also sucked. Not because the work was hard, but because you never did it quick enough and your boss was a *ick for like no reason. But at least you didn't deal with customers."
thedankbank1021
Too much stress...
"Defense attorneys. People hate them because they defend violent criminals. However, as one lawyer put it, their job is not just to defend these people; their job is also to make sure that the cops did their job correctly."
TomoyoHoshijiro
I've always wondered about defense attorneys. How do they reconcile their morals?
They're Smart Too
"I live in Germany and currently in my (hopefully) last semester of university to become a pharmacist (4 years of university, one practical year and three exams of state required). A lot of people here think pharmacists are only cashiers and don’t know we get a scientific education. And God help me if I question a doctor's decision."
this_is_lune
Hard Hours
"I usually just lurk as a guest, but I made a Reddit account just for this. Cooks for public schools. They are constantly overworked, underpaid, and disrespected. Most schools have only a few ovens and microwaves, so school chefs have to either jam unsafe amounts of frozen food into ovens and microwaves, which is a giant fire hazard, or work non-stop from early morning."
Clingitty
Green Thumbed
"Plant breeders and plant geneticists. Imagine you're a plant nerd and you spend your life studying genetics so you can figure out how to improve food crops. Like, to make them yield more, taste better, be healthier, survive drought, etc. But on the internet, you're apparently trying to poison the world and control the food supply."
kjhvm
Heartless
"Veterinarians. My doctors CONSTANTLY get yelled at or called heartless when, for instance, we refer them to a hospital more suited to care for the animal than us. Like bro we didn't just tell you know we are giving you options and trying to ensure you seek the proper care. Don't call me a heartless b**tard for that crap."
Zfullz
No Fun Involved
"Janitors. Trash-related work. Sewage workers. Plumbing."'
SubiWhale
I feel for everyone in these jobs. They deserve better.
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Short of having a shopping addiction, no one actually likes spending money on stuff.
Why would you ever willingly give it away? It's your money!
Which might be why it feels so bad when you have to spend money of something that should be free from the beginning. People/ corporations are going to chase that cheddar, though, so there's little you can do besides complain, which frankly might be the best thing the internet is for.
Reddit user, woodside37, wanted to know what we should never have to pay for again when they asked:
"What should be free?"
Let's get these out of the way first...No, let's get this first one out of the way first.
Hidden fees are the worst.
Hidden. F***ing. Fees.
"Transaction/processing fees when you order a digital product online. Such as a concert ticket, where you pay 6 euro extra while you pay online, and have to print the ticket yourself."
rickmitchel
"Or processing fees to pay bills that you need. Duke energy charges a $7 processing fee for you to pay your energy bill. Like wtf."
CrispyCrunchyPoptart
Pay To Pee
"Public bathrooms! The amount of human piles of poop around because the homeless have no where to relieve themselves!"
AuntyMarcy
"Live in a very tourist-y part of the U.K., all public toilets charge and most cafes/pubs/libraries won’t let people use their toilets. As someone who lives here year round it’s really frustrating and doesn’t seem to make sense."
JonesNewport83
Want A Better Society? Educate Them.
"College. Or at the very least, college APPLICATIONS. If you're gonna require it for most careers, atleast make it accessible for people. And I just think it's stupid that people have to pay to get rejected."
callmeventibcimavent
"Oh god I hate that so much. Same with applying to apartments it’s such a waste of money if you don’t get approved. It racks up quickly too."
Kydra96
It does feel grimy when "official documentation" that is "mandatory" has to be bought and paid for not by the people requiring it, but by the people needing it.
Forcing Us To Pay For Something We're Forced To Have
"ID cards issued by the government. Especially since you need them for almost every aspect of daily living."
waqasnaseem07
"I. Exist."
"Birth certificates"
alexchico3
"I'm not the biggest fan of free stuf but having to pay for a piece of paper that says "I exist" is ridiculous."
Spaghetti-Evan1991
It'll never not feel bad having to pay for something we expect to be free, but it feels ten times worse when it's something you need to get by in life. As in, need to live.
Let's All Agree To Take Care Of Each Other
"All base needs up to a level. I mean stuff we need to survive, eg. power, water,... and things we are required to use to be relevant in daily life internet,..."
"Seeing how now power companies are fuel companies are having THE biggest profit in years while more and more families are pushed into bigger and bigger deths just to get by."
"Same goes for internet tbh, poor kids are just not getting by in school becasue they lack the basic stuff every other kid has to get further in life. I am not saying they need the fastest possible internet with unlimited dl, but give them so they can work for school so the vicious cycle can be broken."
Amelsander
We Need It More Than Anyone
"All mental health services. If you don’t have benefits or a VERY good paying job, they are unaffordable for how often most people really need them. At $120-160/ session even once a week is not affordable for most people these days"
pennylayne77
A Fine Line Between Need And Want
"Water"
selfishnerd77
"Drinking water, sure. But water is an expendable resource and it should honestly be more restricted when we think about cases like people watering their lawns."
I_Am_Become_Dream
Paying To Live
"Insulin. People are dying because of greedy pharmaceutical companies."
Astronimus123
"But We're 'Pro-Life'" - Jerks
"Birth control of all kinds."
"For anyone who b*tches about spending taxpayer money, I'd ask whether it costs more to provide condoms or to house prisoners."
AlexReynard
"Giving birth (In the us)"
z0k0n
"As a female US citizen the more I learn about the whole giving birth sh*t the less I want kids. My friend just had a baby, there were some complications. She is now paying off a 14k hospital bill! The lowest I have hears is 8k. 8k just to have a f-cking kid! For a country that is gung-ho about forcing women to have kids they have missed the mark completely."
Main-Yogurtcloset-82
Everyone is looking for their payout, and unfortunately sometimes we're the ones who have to give it to them, whether it makes sense or not.
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The worst part of having breasts is Florida.
I didn't even say large breasts. Just breasts, any breasts. Florida and breasts are mortal enemies sworn to battle one another into oblivion until the end of days.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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